Do I personally find it healthy?  Yes and no.  It had and has great benefits.  Support.  Extra hands to help.  Extra wheels to run errands, extra ears to listen, laugh, to solve, to talk through with…but it also has emotional problems, conflict, etc.  What I mean…when its good its good, I’ve established that with myself…but I don’t need or want two wives.  I don’t need two women agreeing to gang up on something I believe in.  I don’t need them deciding what is best for me behind my back…likewise you don’t want or need people talking about you either, sharing everything you said or did, etc.  Do all Poly relationships go this way?  How do I get what I need from feeling the need to love two different people without this happening?  Maybe it can’t.  At the moment and for the last six months, alone has felt like a better answer than two to lean on.  We joked that I was living every man’s ultimate fantasy…two girls at the same time!  It couldn’t be further from the truth though…it was hell for me.

I still have a positive attitude of  being Poly though too…a really good thing, maybe that particular relationship was toxic?  We weren’t leaning on each other for support…we were gathering info and using it as firepower.  That particular relationship didn’t work because of some serious incompatibility, jealousy, and control issues…and that is why I stepped away first.  Maybe its worth trying again?  Maybe for us, being Poly in separate relationships is best?  In other words…we don’t share the relationship/emotional connection with the same person.  Obviously at some level you are compatible with her.  I’m not.  We only know that now though, after the fact.  We were too much the same…we are also both very new to this lifestyle and being open to others and open in our marriage.  It’s like dating for the first time, but with totally different rules.  In the case of she and I…we broke some serious rules…the biggest was how it ended.  I wanted out/a clean break.  It wasn’t allowed for me…everyone had to be dragged down because of it.  It was and still is awful and hurtful.  I’m learning more about myself from that situation everyday.

I think I know and am starting to understand what you have reached out looking for with him, then her, then him again…a partnership/friendship/emotional supporter that I cannot for some reason give you.  I’ve always felt this to be a failure on my part…like I’ve failed you and that is why you were reaching to other places to find it.  It turned me into a jealous idiot for your love and attention, as if I had to compete with someone else on a continual basis.  In a lot of ways, those emotions are still driving me even though I’m trying to let it go.  She only served to fuel that hate, jealously and rage I felt and still feel, telling me it was ok to feel that way.  I never totally understood…was just told that feeling that way was OK, and that I should only be true to myself…screw everyone else, including you.  It didn’t matter that you told me over and over again that it wasn’t the case, or that you explained to me time and time again that it was different, that you loved me too, just differently.  It’s just the way I felt in that relationship.  However, the more distance that is put between the end of that relationship and now, the more I realize that it wasn’t a failure by me or you.  It was a failure of that particular relationship. You and I are just wired differently and are capable of loving others.  I’m realizing more and more that there are things missing for me as well…there are lots of things that don’t connect between us…and at least in my mind, it is helping me to cope with my acceptance of feeling like a failure to you, and understand my own needs as well as yours better.  These are things that I’m just now putting together in my head…too early on to realize or understand about myself, hopefully not to late for us.  I am laying this on to you because we shared in the experience…and I don’t have anyone like him in my life to turn to at this point in my life.  Anyone I know now would just go into shock if I mentioned half of what I even talk to you about.

Likewise, there are things they don’t supply to our marriage…its that balance.  Balancing our individual needs on the outside, balancing our marital needs on the inside.  These are things that I’m starting to finally see, understand about myself…forgive me.  I hope you will forgive me as I try and forgive myself too.  I’ve a lot to learn and discover about myself still, as do you I know.  I’m attempting to be open and honest with myself, but also include you in that openness and honesty.  Both things that are very difficult for both of us.  I know you hate the dreaded emails, guess what, now its a blog too!   This just happens to be my form of communication and release, with you and with myself.  Please see this as an open, out-loud communication to myself.  Inner dialogue.   It doesn’t require response.

I’m not saying or thinking these things because I am afraid to lose us, lose you.  I think us apart would be a shame as we have shared in so much joy in our lives.  I’m saying these things because I feel strongly that there is an us, and a family, and a fresh start lurking.  I still think and feel that we supply a strong support system for each other and our family, even though mostly we have been in turmoil lately.  That turmoil has been caused by both of us though…really, its just a matter of changing our viewpoints and being more open to listening and accepting the other person’s point of view and feelings without judgement.  I’m trying harder every day to do that even if it doesn’t look like it.  It’s so easy sometimes to slip into anger and old habits…to look away, or roll ones eyes, and discount the other person as being too difficult to be around.  to develop tunnel vision.   I am trying really hard to stay positive.  These inner dialogues help me do that.  I’m trying harder every day to learn from, but let go of all past negative experiences.  We can’t change out pasts…we can only look inside ourselves to reflect, then  look ahead to our futures, and try to be stronger as a result of everything that has influenced us.

I really do love you.  I look ahead everyday and thank God for giving me a strong partner in life.  I want to be the strongest supporter I can for our family that I know how.  I know I need help in being that person.  Any man unwilling to admit that to himself is lying.   I know I don’t have all the answers.  I can only pray and trust in God that He will provide for us, and lead us down our chosen path to light.

Some of this post has been influenced by this article here:  
http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/the-truth-about-open-marriage
.  It amazed me how much of this I have been feeling. ]]> http://waystosayiloveyou.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/today-was-tough/ Tue, 13 Mar 2012 21:37:04 +0000 waystosayiloveyou http://waystosayiloveyou.wordpress.com/2012/03/13/today-was-tough/ Part of keeping this journal me thinks isn’t to satisfy an urge to write 365 love poems.  If that is all I wanted to accomplish, I could just as easily purchase a desktop version at the calendar and book store.  No, part of this is to probably deal with my own thoughts and feelings as well.   Get them out in the open so that I can either see how paltry they are, or, at very least, be able to let them go.  Therapy for me, if you will.

Today was tougher than most.  There was the usual quick peck and a fast “I love you” exchanged as we woke.  There was a lot of what seemed to be barking of orders…no politeness, no pleases and thank yous.  You were home half the day then got called to substitute for the remainder of the day.  When you got home, not much had changed.  You were angry with me for things out of my control.  Pointing and blaming and “I told you so” anger.  There was no reason for this.  I’m not a puppy who’s nose you rub in the mess on the carpet.  I’m your husband, and you could treat me as such.  Not correcting each other in front of others is key here…and this time it was in front of the kids too.  I made it a huge point in this case to say nothing back to you.  I just walked away.  Later on you asked me what was wrong, again, in front of the kids, and I ignored you.  There, I said it now, but haven’t let it go all afternoon or night…hopefully it will be gone tomorrow when I wake up.  Bottom line is that we can’t have things like this go on in our lives.  I know it isn’t right to make comparisions, and maybe this will sting a little, or maybe a lot…but it is the same way your mom treats your dad, and it hurts me every time she does it in front of us.

I’m going to bed now, saying to myself a little prayer, forgiven you for that which you probably didn’t even know you did.  I know you are frustrated with this particular issue, even if “frustration” is something we choose as people to feel…hopefully by the time you read this, he will have grown out of this phase.  I do love you for who you are and all that you do.  Good Night.

Today was one of those days.  I took a couple children, you took a couple children.  For the first time in a long while, with gas prices the way they are, you got to go and just drive and explore!  The kids tell me you had a lot of fun hunting for lakes.  We did too!  We built our Pinewood Derby cars in your dad’s  garage…got sawdust everywhere!  We had a blast, even took a bunch of pictures.  Hey!  Now here is an idea…pictures in a journal!  Can’t do that in a non-digital journal unless its a scrapbook…but then I wouldn’t be writing nearly as much either.

Alas, the weekend came, the weekend passed.  On to another busy week of work and shuttling kids here and there!  No matter how busy we are during the week or weekend, it is our time together talking or watching a movie in bed…and waking up the next morning to each other… that I look forward to.  That time, undivided by any other outside dramas, means the world to me.   Thank you for spending it with me.

This Blog’s creation was set up as a means for me to journal my everyday thoughts and feelings of love and affection for you. We have had many many years of happy memories, from dating, marriage, the births of our children. This written, living, breathing journal is alive, it is public, it is searchable. I hope over the course of the next year it finds use in other men’s lives as the idea popped into mine to do this. Some of us cannot walk around with blank-paged books to write in that are adorned with plastic rhinestones. Hopefully this is found just as meaningful in its digital form. I am setting a course here, a tough, tough course of blogging everyday. Journaling every day. As a means to that end, here we go…my first blog entry.

Sweetheart, I love you. Every time you are near, even though it has been many years, you render me speechless, unable to breath. Whenever you catch me looking at you my heart stops. I can only imagine what goes through your mind:  Anywhere from “What does he want now?” To, “Oh I know what HE wants.”  Though it is true, I’m a man…and sometimes that’s exactly what I want (though know full well can’t have all the time), know that it is because I am completely captivated by you.  You are beautiful in every light.  Friends and family over the years have all agreed…yes, we talk.  Yes, I sometimes brag about “how good I got it.”  It feels good to be able to babble about you.  I am mesmerized by your beauty; your deep dark brown eyes, silky smooth hair…your smile that takes every pain and trouble away as your cheeks lift, ears lay back and piercing eyes relax and tell my soul that everything is right with the world…even when its just for a second.

Sweetie,  you are my everything, without you, I am nothing.

Enjoy reading this “book” I am about to create.

To us, March 10, 2013…13 years to the day that you said “yes.”

Taking care of the kids is a job I actually enjoy; although the look on my face sometimes probably says otherwise, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  Sounds funny, coming from any guy…particularly given that for business, I was gone more than I was home for 2.5 years.  My goal is one day to finally have a career that doesn’t come with the expectation that you will work.  I’d love to say, “Sweetie, that’s it…take care of the kids during the day, do the shopping, have some fun while they are at school, work on your hobbies, arrange flowers, etc.”  Right now, unfortunately, we aren’t there.  I want to be the sole provider for our family, and I am working on it.  As hard as I can, I’m working on it, for us, for the family.  It is just another way of not only being the man around the house and taking care of business, but saying I love you.