- False Labor about a week before due date.

- Real labor began evening of due date with contractions  – about 9pm.  We did a lot of walking around neighborhood while we decided if contractions were real.  I decided they were real when Ryan offered to make me something to eat and I felt to ill to eat.  Contractions were irregular but painful.  Ultimately the pain was what caused me to want to go to the hospital.  I was told when I wanted to pull the toilet out of the ground and throw it at my husband, it was time to go.

- About 2am, 5 hours after contractions started, we went to the hospital.  I was 2cm, so they did a non-stress test and thought about sending me home.  By the time the non-stress test was done, about 45 mins later, I had dilated 3 more cm to 5cm.  I was having back labor because the baby was “Sunny Side Up” so I was not really able to sit down or stand still, and the non-stress test was very uncomfortable because I had to sit down.  They decided to admit me because I had progressed so fast.  I threw up twice while waiting to be admitted.

- I contined to labor without medication, and spent about an hour in the tub.  This was a life savor for my back labor, it allowed me to be relaxed without putting any pressure on my back – I just floated there and breathed through contractions.  I felt like a champ.  At that point, about 8 hours into my labor, and at about 6cm, I decided I was ready for an epidural.  I had said I’d rather do it without, but was not opposed to the epidural. I did want to stay away from narcotics.  At that point, if you could have told me, it will get THIS bad for THIS long, then I probably could have taken it, but the fear of the unknown scared me and I went for the epidural.  Thry got us checked into a room about 6am and started the bag of fluids that you have to have before the epidural.

- 2 hours later, 11 hours into labor, I got the epidural.  It was very hard to hold still and sit during my contractions, but the nurse was amazing. I also threw up again while waiting for the epidural.  At 10am, 13 hours into labor and 8cm dilated, they broke my water.  I thought, awesome, it’s 10am, we’ll be done with this by lunch and I can eat.

- The epidural slowed down my dilation and I didn’t start pushing until 2pm, 15 hours into labor.  The epidural numbed my lower body completely and I could only wiggle my toes.  When they told me to push, I couldn’t even tell if I was pushing.  So they began turning the epidural down, and I think eventually off. 

- About an hour into pushing, they start Pitocin, to kick start contractions.  As the epidural wore off and the pitocin kicked in, things got intense and painful and I continued to push for 3 more hours.  Eventually I was able to move around to different birthing positions, with assistance.  Finally, after 4 hours of pushing, 22 hours into labor, they discussed suctioning her out.  From their discussions, it sounded like if this didn’t work, they would do a C-Section. The babies heart rate was low.  The doctor came in, they got the vacuum on her head, I pushed through a contraction.  I could feel everything and it was indeed the “ring of fire.”  They told me to stop, but she wasn’t out all the way, we had to wait for the next contraction.  I looked at every face in that room at that point and said, I can’t do this.  And every face said, YES YOU CAN.  And on the next contraction I did.  After that I couldn’t see straight I was so tired.

- Ultimately, I wanted to stay away from pain medication if I could, but I didn’t.  The birth was very painful, but I am very glad that they did end up turning the epidural way down.  I wanted her on my chest right away, but once she was out I was in such a daze, I didn’t notice they evaluated her really quickly. Ryan went right over to her, and got in her face and starting talking to her, she immediately settled down when she heard his voice and turned towards him.  He didn’t hesitate and picked her up and brought her to me.  We were not successful at breast feeding, so pumped collostrum in the hospital, and fed her through a tube going down Ryan’s finger.  We continued to pump and finger feed for 1 month.  Then, after we were able to get her tongue tie snipped, we continued to try to breast feed, and ultimately switched to pumping and bottle feeding.  Feeding has been a continious issue, and we’re still not where we wanted to be, but we’re doing what works for us.   I continue to pump 2x a day and we’re phasing in formula now that she’s 2 months old.  Luckily, she’s healthy and we’ve never had an issue with milk supply or with her weight gain.

My recovery was not something I gave much thought to.  I suggest bringing some Depends adult diapers to the hospital for the bleeding.  They are much more comfortable then the large pads and mesh underwear and will help keep the heating pads and ice packs in place.  I suggest having stool softener at your house for after the epidural.  Look into blood clots, and what it is like to pass one, because when I did, one week after the birth, I freaked out and thought I passed a human heart.  Read up on that gross stuff, like hemeroids, so you’ll know what to expect.  Take everything from the hospital, including the pads on the bed, you’ll want them on your bed at home.  Get paper plates and make and freeze a ton of food. Don’t be afraid to turn away visitors or say no.  Don’t let anyone come over without bringing food, even if it’s just a bag of chips.

I could never have imagined what having a baby would be like.  My advice to you would be to throw your expectations out the window.  They will all be rocked.  And motherhood is all about guilt, so you want to minimize that as much as possible.  Because of our feeding issues, I was very down.  I didn’t feel an immediate connection, because my husband was the one feeding her while I was pumping.  As soon as I verbalized this, I felt so much better.  I don’t think I had post partum depression, but the baby blues were pretty intense.  The first weeks just felt like maintenance.  We lived our lives in 3 hour blocks, and slept in 1.5 hour blocks. I wondered, why did we do this, we had such a good life and now we’ll never do X, Y, and Z again.  But we’ll get there. We’re already getting there.  Every week is easier.  They don’t even smile at you for the first 6 weeks!  Don’t expect anything, just go with the flow.  Tell your spouse what a great job they are doing.  Lift each other up.  Sleep when the baby sleeps, enjoy your time with her, don’t rush to get up and do dishes or laundry when she sleeps, not  in the beginning.  Enjoy them, and don’t wish the time away.  It’s cliche, but parenthood is by far the hardest and most rewarding job you’ll ever have.

2 months old, 22" long and 10lbs, 13oz

Starting tonight, we’re adding formula to the mix (Enfamil).  We’ll phase in one formula bottle per day, every 3 days or so until she’s almost all formula fed.  This way the transition will be done before I go back to work and before she starts daycare.  At the doctor’s suggestion, we’ll keep one bottle of breastmilk per day.  We’ll start the first formula bottle tonight before bed, in hopes she’ll sleep a little longer.  We’ll keep the one breastmilk bottle per day as the first bottle per day.  This week I will continue pumping 3 times per day.  Starting next week I will pump only 2 times per day and see how that goes.  The doctor tells us that January – March are the worst months for illness, and keeping giving her a little breastmilk per day may help her immunities.  So, I’ll see how manageable it is to pump twice a day and see how long I can keep that up.  Once we have her on mostly formula, we can do the math to see how much longer I’d have to pump to get her one bottle of breastmilk per day (counting the freezer stash we have). 

We’re looking forward to company this weekend and next weekend!

Margeaux and I made it to church and to the grocery store on our own while Daddy slept in.  Then we packed a picnic and we all went to the park . . .

Izzie loves her new best friend

 I couldn’t decide on a caption for this one.  It could be “Izzie helps us decide if Margeaux needs a diaper change” or “Izzie gooses even babies.”

We had a wonderful visit from Grandma Jane this week – she swore that Margeaux grew right before her eyes!

We enjoyed a visit this past weekend from Papa John, Uncle Matt and Uncle Jack.  It was great to have family here and it was a very relaxing visit.  We made it out to lunch and dinner all in one day!

We introduced Margeaux to the "binky"

Margeaux also met her first baby friend, Nolan.  Like any good childhood boyfriend, he immediately tried to pull her hair.

It took some getting used to, but Margeaux loves the Baby Bjorn, and most mornings we talk a walk before Daddy gets up (he’s on the night shift and Mommy is on the morning shift)

And here’s our most recent family photo . . .

Thanks to all of our great friends, we have had an abundance of really wonderful food!  We actually went on a walk around the block this evening.  The weather has been just beautiful!  We enjoyed visits from all three of my Gainesville cousins this week!  And now we’re all ready for Grandma and Grandpa’s visit on Tuesday!

I tried to remember the facts, I even planned to write them down, but when you’re in the thick of it, time is out the window, and there’s just too much else going on.

9:30pm – 7/26/10 (Due date!) Monday Night:  Contractions started about 9:30pm as I was going to bed.  Around 6:30pm I had been exhausted and thought, I should go to bed now (and I wish I had!)  I couldn’t stay in bed.  The contractions were the most uncomfortable while laying down, and were in my lower back as well as my abdomen.  I paced around the house and tried to go back to bed several times.  The contractions were very similar to the false labor I had about a week before, so I was not convinced this was it.  Ryan was taking turns practicing bass and sitting with me through contractions.  They were mild, but uncomfortable and starting to become more painful.  We did some walking around the block with Izzie, which actually felt very good.

2am or so – 7/27/10 Monday Night/Early Tuesday Morning:  I told Ryan I thought we should head to the hospital.  It’s only a few miles from our house, and if they send us home, oh well, but this feels a little different than the false labor from last week.  Ryan makes some food for himself and I plan to eat some too.  I know it’s serious when I change my mind and decide I am too uncomfortable to eat.  We thoroughly confuse the dog by getting the house all ready to leave, closing windows, putting out extra cat food, loading bags in the car.  She’s dissapointed she doesn’t get to come along.  I spend the time between contractions helping out, and spend the contractions doubled over the kitchen counter – the pain is mostly in my lower back.

3am or so:  We arrive at the hospital and must enter through the emergency department because the maternity doors are locked at night.  It’s a short walk through the parking lot from the car, but a  long walk once you’re in the hospital.  They offer to take me there in a wheel chair, but I cannot possibly think of sitting down – riding in the car for 5 minutes was more than enough.  When we arrive at the maternity department, I walk up to the counter and tell them they’ll probably be sending me back home, but think it’s better to be safe than sorry.  I continue to make jokes, because I don’t want to feel stupid if this is nothing.  Because of this, Ryan tells me later, he really didn’t think this was the real thing.  They get us into the triage room and tell me they are going to give me a non-stress test to check the baby.  This requires laying down for 20 minutes and I am pretty upset about this, as my back is killing me with each contraction and it hurts to sit down, but I make it through.  I am dilated 2cm upon arrival.  My cervix has been fully effaced for weeks now.  They tell me to hang around 45 mins or so and then they will reevaluate me.  We walk the halls, and I am becoming increasingly aggitated and uncomfortable, and am being to be in some real pain with each contraction.  Ryan helps me breath through each one.

4 am or so:  They come back to check me and I have dilated from 2cm to 5cm in less than an hour.  We are admitted to the hospital.  They ask me if I would like to go in the tub while they prep our room.

5 am or so:  I spend an hour or so in the tub.  It is AMAZING! I am experiencing back labor because the baby is sunny side up, or facing out (head is down though).  The tub allows me to be in a more relaxed state (I’ve now been on my feet since 9:30pm) and it allows me to be on my back, but floating, so there is no pressure.  Ryan and I chat and he helps me breath through each contraction, holding my hand.

6:00am or so:  I start to get pruny, so we head over to our room.  I ask about an epidural.  The contactions are very painful, but I think I could manage them if I knew they wouldn’t get any worse.  They are just so uncomfortable.  I just can’t imagine being anywhere but standing right now.  My fear of what is to come and fear of the unknown cause me to ask for the epidural.  I advise them I would like to stay away from narcotics.  They first must get an IV going, and I must take in a whole bag of water before they can do the epidural.

8:00am or so:  The anesthesiologist arrives, I sign paperwork, he preps things, and by 8:30am I have the epidural.  I have two contractions while he’s administering the epidural, and it’s so hard to hold still.  I focus on the nurses shoes.  By the time he’s done, I am chatting with the nurse about her shoes, and telling her Clark’s is the best place to get comfy shoes – what a difference.  I lay down and pretty soon cannot feel much from the waste down.  I can wiggle my toes.  It feels like such relief.

10am: Dr. Omrani breaks my water and we think it won’t be long until our baby girl is here. We spend the next few hours waiting for some progress on the dilation.  The epidural probably slowed things way down.

2:15pm: Time to start pushing.  My nurse’s shift is over at 3pm, and she anticipates the baby will be born shortly after, so she plans to stick around.  For the first few pushes, I cannot feel a thing – no contractions, and can’t tell if I am even pushing.  I tell them it’s ok to turn down the epidural.  I hear this is a nice medium, you have the epidural to take the edge off, but you can still push and feel the contractions.  Over the next 4+ hours they administer pitocin and turn it up a few times.  I assume they continue to turn the epidural down, but I am not sure.  I continue to push.  I try several positions, but cannot seem to get her around the corner of my pubic bone.  Finally I can feel my left leg enough to get on all fours and then push back into a child’s pose type position for each push/contraction.  This seems to make some progress.  At this point, there are two midwives and my nurse in the room with us.  I hear discussions of the baby’s heart rate.  I think the heart rate always goes down during pushing and a contraction, but my baby’s isn’t going back up as much, or as fast as they would like.  They tell us they are going to bring the doctor in and see if he wants to try the vacuum.  He comes in, asks about progress, and decides to try the vacuum.  I think they are close to considering a c-section and at this point I am just completely exhausted.  I’ve been watching in the mirror and can’t see any visible progress from the last hours of pushing.  They get everything ready and attached the vacuum to her head.  I push on the next contraction (I am no longer alert enough to watch in the mirror).  I assume her head comes part way out.  It is the worst pain I have ever felt.  Everyone in the room is cheering for me, telling me I can do it.  I am yelling that I can’t.  It hurts too much.  They tell me to stop pushing and wait for the next contraction to push her out, but that seems just impossible.  It’s the longest minute (or who knows how long!) of my life.  Finally it comes, and I can feel her head out and shoulder and I know I’m home free.  But man, it’s the worst pain ever.  If you have the full epidural, do you still feel that?  They call it the “ring of fire” and indeed it was.  I suffered a second degree tear, and some other things I’d rather not discuss to my non-baby birthing lower nether regions.

They took her over to the warmer area right away to check her out.  I assume this is because of the slower heart rate.  At that point I didn’t even really notice that she didn’t go right on my chest.  Ryan immediately went over from my left side, to the right side of the room and got his face right in her face and started talking to her.  He said she turned and looked right at him, she recognized his voice right away.  I just watched them in awe.  Ryan brought her over to me, probably about 2 or 3 minutes after she was born.  It was amazing and it was exhausting.

It truly is a miracle, from conception (all the stars must align perfectly) to birth (and beyond).  I can’t believe people do this every day.

I’ll have another post in the works with things I learned and suggestions I have for people expecting.

Noltland Castle, Orkney – engraving by Godfrey, originally uploaded by arjayempee.

A castle in Orkney. The remote, damp, tiny islands off the coast of Scotland are, in my imaginings, the perfect setting for Margeaux’s Persephonic isolation.

this dream happened the morning of 1 october