You never forget your first time.

Hello there.

Are you a BCS team from an automatic qualifier conference? Are you traveling to Evanston in the near future? Are you the Boston College Eagles!?

If so, then on behalf of the Northwestern Wildcat football program and the 250 or so bored students from the Greater Chicagoland area, we cordially invite you to get fucked.

First off, let us begin by complimenting the entire BC defense on how well your faces have recovered from the monstrous welt Kain Colter’s schlong gave you in last year’s season opener.* We’re mostly just impressed that you came back for more after that thorough 24-17 dicking.

Doesn’t the Catholic Church have some sort of policy against the bestiality you are about to endure at the mercy of Venric Mark and the Northwestern wide receiver corps? We always knew that Jesuits were pretty chill about that sort of thing, but still.

Regardless, it’s kind of rude for Notre Dame to seek an injunction against the HHS mandate just so Boston College football won’t be able to receive the sexual health care it will need after getting so totally fucked by NU this Saturday afternoon. It’s not like Notre Dame was going to need any help beating you guys anyway.

Speaking of sensitive religious topics, stop trying to inquisition us.

We know we were once called the Fighting Methodists and all, but nowadays most of our students are either Jewish, godless socialist Democrats, or Markwell. Fitzwizardry isn’t heresy, and with the exception of your defensive backs, nobody’s getting torched this Saturday. Give it a rest, and spend less time trying to impose canonical law with the arm of Chase Rettig and more time getting fucked.

The only thing more depressing than being the third best college accessible via the T will be Chi Chi Ariguzo’s physically and emotionally damaging defense. The only thing more unsettling than Frank Spaziani’s mustache will be how Ifaedi Odenigbo methodically destroys everything you hold holy — starting with Doug Flutie and ending with Tip O’Neill, Scott Brown, and Matt Ryan — in an assault that transcends the boundaries of time, space, and party politics.**

Simply put, Pat Fitzgerald the Fighting Methodists will fuck you worse than the sexual trinity Karl Rove administered to BC Law alum John Kerry in 2004.

Last week, we made a promise and came through. This week we are proud to make another such guarantee.

Get Fucked BC.
———————————————————————————————————————
*My second dick slapping joke in as many weeks. I’m gunning for the record set by Brother Jürgen Taintsdorf in the infamous summer of ’06.
**Seriously, are you guys good at doing anything else besides playing quarterback or serving in Congress?

To stay updated on this weekend’s #GetFuckedBC campaign, follow us on Twitter and like us on Facebook and look for the intoxicated heinouses shouting ‘Get Fucked BC’ Saturday afternoon at Ryan Field.

To the editor:

In his Tuesday column, Peter Larson discussed the response to Cru’s Markwell campaign and mentioned one particular “fire and brimstone” blogger whose “gripes” caused him to roll his eyes. Since Larson used a female pronoun and, to my knowledge, I am the only female writer to have written a blog post critical of the Markwell campaign, I can only assume that he was referring to me. I’d like to set the record straight.

First of all, I disagree that there was anything “fire and brimstone” about my blog post. Although I do have strong opinions, as do many bloggers and newspaper columnists, I believe that my post was reasoned and well thought-out. In fact, while Larson may dismiss my opinion, one Cru member chose to engage with it by writing a public Facebook note in response. Rather than inserting a snarky, oblique reference to me into his note, he referred to me by name.

Second, Larson seems to have conflated writers like me with anonymous commenters who troll North by Northwestern. There is absolutely nothing wrong with respectfully stating your opinion, as I did and as Larson has done in his column. While rolling one’s eyes in a “decaffeinated haze” might well be the best response to trolls, it’s an unfair response to someone who has taken the time to write a coherent blog post. Larson did not offer up any actual criticisms of my post, and, in fact, made it very clear that he didn’t really read it. Perhaps if he reread my post after having drunk his morning coffee, he would be able to actually criticize it.

Finally, the ironic twist here is that, in summarily dismissing a fellow writer with his snarky commentary, Larson has done exactly what he criticized in his column. My blog post led to many engaging discussions–and, yes, plenty of disagreement–among my friends and acquaintances. Our discussion at the University Christian Ministry on Tuesday night lasted for three hours. We’ve dived right in to the difficult issues that the Markwell campaign has raised and have learned a lot about each other in the process. To dismiss those of us who want to think about and comment on issues like these as having a “shortage” of intelligence is absolutely uncalled for.

There’s a new campaign on my campus called “I Agree with Markwell”. At my school, advertising is done through chalking or spray painting on the sidewalks, flyers hanging up or taped to the ground and tee-shirts. The Markwell campaign utilizes all three with very bright orange shirts with blue splattering declaring that the wearer also agrees with Markwell.

I don’t agree.

When I first encountered this, I was interested and fascinated. Who was Markwell and why did all these people agree with him? I imagined it to be a social justice movement of some sort or an underground rebel group. I thought Markwell had to be really fucking cool. Then I discovered that Markwell was a senior in the Campus Crusaders for Christ (or Cru as they’re called here) and that his message was deeply Christian and involved accepting all humanity as lost and sinful and that through accepting Jesus’s sacrifice as salvation, we can restore our relationship with God.

And today I passed by the Rock, a central tradition to our school. Students guard the Rock for 24 hours for the honor of painting it with their particular slogan or message. Today, it was painted by I Agree With Markwell. And I felt this overwhelming anger towards the group. I actually swore out loud.

Since I discovered that the Markwell campaign isn’t as interesting as I thought, and was in fact started by Cru, I’ve been very angry about the whole thing, along with at least a solid third of campus. I’ve read articles in our magazines and newspapers, scrolled through all the comments and talked with my friends. And I still feel offended and a little violated by the campaign.

Yet Cru isn’t using any method of advertisement that I wouldn’t accept in another group. I’ve seen the South Asian Student Association do the same thing, as well as the Tonik Tap dance group and various plays and the student government candidates. So why, when faced with these religious advertisements, do I get so offended?

I think it’s because religion is different than hobbies, politics, or even national identity. Somehow, it manages to transcend even those important forms of identity. Because someone is trying to tell me what it is right to believe in. Someone is trying to tell me what I should hold true in the very core of my person.

For me, religion is extremely personal. Religion should be extremely personal. I identify as a Unitarian Universalist, which at some point, I will write about. I haven’t attended church at all this year, but I still consider myself a religious person. The idea that some group is essentially yelling about their beliefs all over campus makes me feel threatened in a way that I didn’t realize I could. I mean, they have a perfect right to do so. The “I Agree With Markwell” campaign is not breaking any rules or even crossing any real lines.

But I still can’t get past my instinctive flinch when I see a bright orange shirt. Because I know that this person thinks I am lost because I don’t agree with Markwell. On some level, this person thinks that in the most central part of me, I’m misguided and that I need saving.

I mean, the other groups who advertise this way are trying to get me to attend a show or vote for them. Their campaigns don’t seem directed at me personally, but rather the whole campus. Throwing religion into the mix changes the intent and the audience of the message. It becomes about me, the individual.The Markwell campaign seems like it’s trying to change what I fundamentally believe in.

They’re truly loving. I know that no one in the campaign or in the group means me, or anyone, any harm or ill will. They truly just want to help me find a personal relationship with God. It’s my problem that I don’t want one and that it freaks me out that they feel the need to help me spiritually.

I’m already spiritual, thanks. I don’t need help. And really, I’m trying to cool my anger towards the Markwellians with reason, but religion is one of those things that people for centuries have had a very hard time being reasonable about. I’m working on it.

And their campaign strategy is really sneaky.

Hopefully you didn't confuse this with the ads for free lube during Sex Week.

Because apparently everyone is born a fuck up. I’m not even joking. That is (paraphrasing, but not straying at all from) what Markwell put on the site. Now I may not be religious like Chet Haze, and I can tell you that I consider myself at least a slightly religious person, but the idea of religion is like a Jellyfish. It’s nice to look at, nice to talk about even, but let that shit get close to you and you’ll get stung. Now don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of religious people. My own mother has a Master’s degree in Pastoral Ministries and I am personal friends with (COUNT ‘EM) 3 Bishops. So please, I’ve been pretty up close and personal with some Jellyfish.

My entire issue with Markwell isn’t the fact that he’s evangelizing. Seriously, go ahead if you feel like that’s your jive, but if Cru’s going to brand itself like this, they’re just going to get backlash like what they’ve experienced for the past day and a half. Honestly, Cru has been known to be excessively invasive, bordering at times on incredibly rude. I’d LOVE to see them order something at Burger King. I mean, please, couldn’t you find a better way of describing all of your friends and peers and professors than as jacked-up souls “intentionally rebel[ling] against God”? It’s just too much for me. We need some memes up in this shit for real, yo.

If you bring religion up at Northwestern like Cru did with the Markwell campaign, then prepare to get stung.

Instead of going on to refute Markwell any more than I already have — because others are doing a fine-ass job — I offer a few things we could do better than spend time worrying about this Markwell crap:

1. Vote for Dillo Day T-Shirts!
What other way can you better enjoy the satisfaction of knowing you’re going to get more heinous at Mayfest than the Markwell and Kony2012 campaigns put together?! There’s plenty of really good designs, from the nerdy Dillo Venn diagram design to a Tank with a mustachioed Dillo. Do people still write “mustachioed?” It’s a word. I swear.

2. Stalk Project Cookie!
Almost as heinous as the above, but a different flavor. You can stalk down that Cookie Monster-garbed student and snag plenty of delicious cookies to feed your emotional-eating problem. This Markwell stuff is so sad, I may buy them out! Come to my dorm you fools!!!!

3. Entertain a Prospie!
Have a wee little High School Senior come on over to your dorm and unleash the fury of a thousand NU sailing team members. I’ve been to La Casa. Shit is cray, guys. I almost had to drink the beer off the floor when I spilled it. Why not share that experience with a prospie that will either be horrified (the weak ones) or push you down to the dirty concrete themselves as they shotgun a PBR (the mighty, heinous ones).

God said to Abraham, "Go kill me a son. With automatic weaponry."

5. Join Pottermore!
Because why the fuck not? It’s worth it for McGonagall’s story and Markwell will probably call you a satanic Wiccan, which will be funny. Funny mostly because who says “Wiccan” anymore?

6. Read a Bible!
Look up all the parts in the King James Version that detail the best ways to pester passerby’s on street corners.

Steve Attkins – Independent

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Stephen Bromhead – Nationals

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Greg Smith – Greens

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Barry Wright – Independent

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John Turner, Nationals

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