Moss: Snappy Character

Foxborough, Mass — There was more to it than meets the eye when Randy Moss showed some “Alligator Arms” during the Patriots 20-10 win over the Carolina Panthers in Week 14.

Reports out of Gillette Stadium have surfaced that Moss was actually taunting quarterback Tom Brady after several Patriots players have been arguing all week over the differences between Alligators and Crocodiles.

The ruckus kicked off on Tuesday when, during some catching exercises, back-up quarterback Brian Hoyer lambasted WR/SS/KR/Mop Boy Matthew Slater of having “crocodile arms” after dropping an easy pass.

A melee ensued. Moss sprung to the defence of Slater, mocking Hoyer by saying “Crocodile Arms? What the fuck is that shit? It’s ‘Alligator Arms’ you ‘tard”. At this point Brady piped up to help out his back up, “Crocodiles, Alligators, whatever. They’re same fucking thing”.

Little did anyone know this would prove such a turning point for the Patriots.

Furious at what was unfolding before his very eyes, a short, fat man in torn up clothes and reeking of pee, approached. The man, later revealed to be head coach Bill Belichick, sent everyone home for the day, and called a meeting the next morning to go over the differences point by point.

“Look guys, listen here. Since we’re not allowed to video other teams any more, I sent our AV guy to document some gators down in Florida. 9am tomorrow morning, I’ll Discovery Channel your asses” yelled Coach Belichick.

Not impressed with this early start, several apathetic players, including linebacker Adalius Thomas were tardy in turning up for the meeting. A clearly unimpressed Belichick, who had prepared a slide show, and some self-published pamphlets ordered the late-comers home, and Thomas was benched this weekend for his lackadaisical attitude towards animal categorisation.

Nobody knows what happened during this meeting, but in Thursday & Friday’s practice it seemed everything had been put in the past, but it seems one Patriot just couldn’t let it lie.

There was a tense atmosphere in the locker room at Gillette Stadium on Sunday. Players saying very little, and clear divisions amongst the teams starters, and when Brady threw a pass over the middle towards star wide-out Randy Moss, the controversial star couldn’t resist the opportunity to do an impression of an alligator.

This reignited the war of the words on the sidelines as petty, petty Randy Moss continued to point out the differences while Tom Terrific sat with his fingers in his ears yelling “la-la-la I can’t hear you, la-la-la”.

It was easy to see the fall out on the field afterwards. Only one more pass made it’s way to Moss, a 16-yard catch which he fumbled, some say intentionally. Brady continued to try to prove his point by passing only to players who had supported on the matter, the main target being mighty midget Wes Welker.

Welker later admitted “I didn’t really care to be honest, but I saw the opportunity to break my own record of 142 catches in a single game”.

The Patriots head into a Week 15 clash with the New York Jets amidst further controversy now that running back Laurence Maroney has claimed the main difference between the two species is that Crocodiles can breathe fire. A team statement however has revealed this is indeed false, and nobody should listen to anything Maroney has to say, ever.

There have been many Sundays where I have wished for a running backs ass. Laurence Maroney has a great ass. It sits up high, doesn’t move as he is running, looks like you could bounce a quarter off of it and the best part is that it has a little something extra to hold on to. Throughout the league there is some great running back ass. Brandon Jacobs has a proud round ass something you could bite in to for Sunday dinner. D’Angelo Williams has an ass that “god must have made on a Saturday because he would have wanted to take Sunday off to admire it himself” Uncle Angelo, Golden Girls. It is very hard to get a really good ass. It starts of course like anything else with diet and exercise but then involves horribly endless squats but for most women it really comes down to genetics. Most of us just would never be able to achieve the pinnacle of ass like the Maroney ass. Judge me as you may but I am not looking at ass on Sunday to demean or ogle these men it is out of pure envy that I pause Tivo on the Jacobs, Williams or Addai Ass. There is not a man out there that would not like a Maroney Ass on the back of his lady while she is bent over in front of him. By the way, Kevin Faulk, you have a nice ass too.

* Theo Esptein is now on the record saying Billy Wagner is welcome back ….at the right price. And what is that price? Well, the market for a top set-up man is $3-4 million on a multi-year deal and I think the Sox could justify something at the top of that range if the deal is just a single year. But will Wagner accept something like that? Now Epstein seems to be under the illusion that Wagner will either decline arbitration and become a free agent (thereby netting the Sox two draft picks) or the lefty will return for less than he would make at an arbitration hearing. In the case of the latter, Epstein is hoping for an outcome that has never been recorded in baseball history. So is Epstein being played here? He doesn’t seem to think so but I can’t help but think he is over-playing an average hand.

* In the Arizona Fall League yesterday ….Luis Exposito went 2-4, Ryan Kalish slammed a double and both Casey Kelly and Jose Iglesias took four at-bat collars. Kalish is now hitting over .300 and has his slugging near .400. Don’t expect to see him in Portland past June next season.   

* If you are looking for the name of that idiot who gave Jason Verlander a first place vote in the Cy Young race, his name is Steve Kornaki and guess what, he covers the Tigers for MLive. Here is the tortured reasoning.

* The Globe tell us this morning that the Pats continue to struggle in the Red Zone? Really? I hadn’t noticed.

* So now, Pats Personal Director, Nick Caserio is out with a half-hearted endorsement of Larry Maroney. Explaining Maroney’s limited action after he fumbled at the goal line late in the third, Caserio had this to say ….

“We ended up playing in a lot of spread formations and multiple receiver formations, which brings up Kevin [ Faulk]’s strength as a football player – getting him into space as well as the passing game and some of those things,’’ Caserio said. “Offensively and from a coaching standpoint, we have a lot of confidence in Laurence and his ability and what he can do with the ball in his hands.’’

Hmm, Nick …..you don’t think the reason to spread things out was related to the fact that the coaches lack confidence in Larry’s ability to make good things happen? Do you even watch the games?  

* This was Kendrick Perkins in Today’s Globe ….

“I don’t think we’re attacking,’’ Perkins said. “I think we need to be more aggressive. I don’t want us to turn into a 3-point-shooting team. Obviously we got shooters, but we have to be a more physical team, rebounding, driving, I just think we’ve go to be more physical.’’

Not attacking ……is that finger pointed at Rajon Rondo who comes into tonight’s game with twelve free throw attempts on the year.

* Are the Celtics in on King Forward, Andres Nocioni? Two bad shooting nights and now the Celts are shopping around? Guys, Glen Davis is what …..three weeks away? This one doesn’t pass the smell test.

LETS GET READY TO RUMBLLLLLLLLLLLLE”  MANNING AND BRADY ARE TWO OF THE MOST PROLIFIC  QUARTERBACKS IN THE HISTORY OF THE NFL. THIS WOULD BE A PUSH FOR THE BOOKIES BACK IN THE DAY AND WOULDNT SHOW ON THE FOOTBALL CARD. TO CLOSE TO CALL? I THINK SO. I AM A PATS FAN BUT ALSO A FAN OF MANNING OR IS HE A REINCARNATION OF ELVIS? THANK YOU VERY MUCH. HERE IN NEW ENGLAND WE ARE SPOILED WITH ALL THE SUCCESS OF OUR SPORTING TEAMS AND THIER FRANCHISES. SOMETIMES IT DIFFICULT TO APPRECIATE OTHER CITIES TEAMS,BUT IN THIS CASE WE ALMOST HAVE TO. DOES THE HOME TEAM ADVANTAGE WORK TO THE COLTS FAVOR DURING THIS CONTEST? SOME SAY YES ,SOME SAY NO. IS BRADY BACK WHERE HE WANTS TO BE? I THINK PEYTON IS. WILL MARONEY SAVE THE DAY OR WILL THE COLTS DEFENSE BE FOOLISH ENOUGH TO HAVE SINGLE COVERAGE ON MOSS. WHATEVER HAPPENS ITS GONNA BE A DOOZY. I HAD TO PICK THE PATS  IN THE POOL BECAUSE IM A HOMER. BUT IF I WAS A BOOKIE THIS GAME WOULD NOT BE ON THE CARD. A PUSH JUST ANOTHER PUSH.  GOOD LUCK EVERYONE     BIG LOU

Brady and friends, planning to build a snow fort

Further proof Kyle Orton and the Broncos are the greatest thing the NFL has going: The Patriots, who Orton beat 20-17 last week, crushed the Titans 59-0 today. If little Tom Brady could throw a league-record five touchdowns in the second quarter, imagine how many Orton could’ve thrown. Seriously though, that’s the biggest margin of victory I’ve seen in my whole life.

Brady’s second quarter barrage staked the Pats to a 45-0 halftime lead — the largest at the break in NFL history. After scoring on the opening drive of the third quarter, the gracious Bill Belicheck decided the lead was safe enough to call on his backup, Brian Hoyer, who engineered a scoring drive his first time out. Brady finished with 380 yards and six touchdowns — three to Randy Moss, a pair to Wes Welker and one to Kevin Faulk. Laurence Maroney added 123 yards and a touchdown on the ground.

While Brady was busy making quick work of the hapless Titans, another pretty boy AFC East quarterback saw his hot start go up in flames — the Jets’ Mark Sanchez threw five interceptions in a 16-13 overtime loss to the powerhouse Bills. Buffalo’s Trent Edwards went down with a first quarter concussion, but that didn’t stop Terrell Owens from shredding the Jets’ defensive secondary to the tune of 13 yards on three catches. Good luck with that career after your one-year contract runs out, T.O.!

Other scores from around the league: Houston 28, Cincinnati 17; Green Bay 26, Detroit 0; Jacksonville 23, St. Louis 20; Minnesota 33, Baltimore 31; New Orleans 48, New York 27; Pittsburgh 27, Cleveland 14; Carolina 28, Tampa Bay 21; Kansas City 14, Washington 6; Oakland 13, Philadelphia 9; Arizona 27, Seattle 3; Atlanta 21, Chicago 14.

By the way, Orton & co. are in San Diego to face the Chargers tomorrow night. Let’s see what happens!

I just had to laugh when I came across this little beauty today.  At first glance this Maroney 2006 Press Pass patch looks really cool, but there is just one problem.  PRESS PASS DOESN’T HAVE A LICENSE TO PRODUCE CARDS USING THE NFL LOGO.  Press Pass has never made a trading card product having anything to do with the NFL.  All of their football products deal with college teams and their logos.  This has got to be one of the worst attempts at faking an NFL logo patch I’ve ever seen.  I’m not sure if the seller manufactured the card or not.  They say it came it a big lot they purchased at a card show, but you never know for sure.  Whoever did alter the card even made a hologram like background around the fake patch that says “Authentic”.  You can check out the auction here.  I’ll try and report it to eBay, but that doesn’t always mean they’ll close the auction.  They gotta eat too.

When I was just a hatchling, I saw many adventurers wandering around Grobb and the surrounding areas who had companions with them. Bears, alligators, wolves, and elementals. As I grew in strength, my magical ability began to develop.  With the help of my guild trainer, I learned the basics of necromancy. I was able to raise a corpse from the ground to serve me. Yes, it is as awesome as it sounds!

My first successful summoning was a skeleton. My skill was not strong enough to raise the corpse in its entirety, only the bones. I asked my new companion what his name was, but he couldn’t speak. You see, my necromantic skill was so great that I was unable to summon his jaw-bone. Oh well, I was still learning.

I couldn’t have an unnamed companion, so that day Maroney was born. Why Maroney? Well when I raised him, I called him Mr. Boney Maroney and it just stuck.

The great thing about an undead companion is that when he dies, you can just summon him back into the world. Necromancy is awesome.

Maroney and I have had many adventures across Dalaya. Maroney may not have any blood in his mangled body, but he has plenty of blood on his body. Together we fought the vicious frogloks of Mielech, the green-skinned orcs in the sands of Tarhyl, the bloodthirsty gnolls of Blackburrow, the ferocious Liodreth of Paw, and even the ghostly dwarves of Kaladim.

Maroney was there when I completed the quest for my new armor. He stole his scythe from the Wraiths. I told him that it didn’t look as cool on him, but for some reason I don’t think he cares.

I was traveling in Mielech with Maroney when I was ambushed by froglok. Without hesitation, Maroney came to my defense and began ripping the frogloks apart.

Maroney has been a great companion. Hopefully as I develop my skill I will be able to make Maroney a little stronger. Maybe he will even have some flesh, but for now Boney Maroney is just fine.

“We’re actors. If we didn’t exist, how would people know who to vote for?”

Jane Krakowski como Jenna Maroney en 30 Rock (3×05)

with Tom Brady out for the year does this even matter? The face and heart of the Pats is out for the year with a torn ACL. Matt Cassel, who has not started a game since high school, is his replacement. How will he do? As long as the defense holds up I think they’ll be fine. The pats have such a powerful offense (even without Brady) with the likes of Laurence Maroney and Randy Moss that even I could lead the pats to a playoff berth. Whether the pats make it to the superbowl again or not, your guess is as good as mine

All-Pro quarterback missed all four preseason games with foot injury

FOXBOROUGH, Mass. – It’s hardly a surprise that Tom Brady will start in the New England Patriots’ season opener on Sunday.

The shock could come when the Kansas City Chiefs’ young secondary sees how hard it will be to stop last season’s NFL MVP.

“It’s going to be a tough task, but I think my young fellas back there are ready. They’re ready for a challenge,” said cornerback Patrick Surtain, an 11-year veteran.

Rookie Brandon Flowers is the other starting cornerback and Bernard Pollard and Jarrad Page are in just their second season as starting safeties. Add to that the Chiefs nine-game losing streak at the end of last season and quarterback Brodie Croyle’s 0-6 record as a starter, and the Patriots’ 0-4 exhibition record means absolutely nothing.

“You’re still focused on it,” New England safety Rodney Harrison said. “We’re not.”

The Patriots have their own concerns in the secondary.

Cornerback Asante Samuel left for Philadelphia as a free agent, Fernando Bryant was released after starting throughout the exhibition season and two-time Pro Bowler Deltha O’Neal was signed Monday.

But the team that lost its chance for a perfect season in the Super Bowl still has a deep defensive line and a linebacking group bolstered by first-round pick Jerod Mayo, who will start at inside linebacker.

“It is a relief” that Samuel left, said Chiefs wide receiver Dwayne Bowe, who had 70 catches as a rookie last season.

Brady had a right foot injury and missed all four exhibition games. But after being on the injury or practice participation report for every game the past three seasons, he was finally off it Thursday.

Surtain doesn’t think Brady will be rusty after not playing the exhibition games. After all, the quarterback did throw an NFL-record 50 touchdown passes last season when the Patriots were 18-0 before losing the Super Bowl to the New York Giants 17-14.

“He’s phenomenal,” Surtain said. “I’m pretty sure he knows the offense like the back of his hand. I hope he has rust. But you can’t expect anything but greatness from him.”

Surtain and his secondary mates also must contend with Randy Moss, who played sparingly in the preseason. But he missed all four exhibition games last season, had an outstanding opener and set a single-season league record with 23 touchdown receptions.

The Chiefs also must contend with Wes Welker, whose 112 catches tied for the NFL lead, and a deep group of running backs with Laurence Maroney, Sammy Morris and LaMont Jordan. The Patriots will be without right guard Stephen Neal, sidelined for at least six weeks.

His replacement, Billy Yates, doesn’t think that will hurt.

“Everybody that’s in this locker room on the offensive line, we know the techniques and we know what each other are doing,” said Yates, who spent most of the past three seasons on the Patriots’ practice squad.

The Patriots set an NFL record last season for most points and had the league’s most productive offense.

“What they did last year was something that you don’t see in pro football and there’s going to be some games where all of a sudden they’re not going to score 40 points all the time,” Kansas City coach Herm Edwards said.

With Brady, even without the exhibition experience, the Patriots could score 40 again on Sunday.

“The fortunate thing for me is that I have played in about 130 games,” he said. “So I know that speed (of the game) and my body knows that speed. Hopefully, I can rely on the past history that I have had playing.”

The Chiefs were 4-12 last season, but they still have running back Larry Johnson and Tony Gonzalez, who needs 179 yards receiving to break the NFL record for tight ends.

“We’ve got a lot, a lot of young players on this team,” Gonzalez said. “We’ve got to be excited about that. The best thing about playing on a young football team is the only place to go is up.”

Defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey, the fifth overall selection by the Chiefs, will get his first look at Brady on the field. On offense, the Chiefs have two rookie starters, left tackle Branden Albert and fullback Mike Cox. And Croyle is inexperienced.

“The thing we see right now is his confidence,” Edwards said of his quarterback. “It’s a lot better than it was in the previous two years. The first year he didn’t play at all. Last year, he had played some.”

Confidence has never been a problem for the Patriots, not with three Super Bowl wins in seven seasons and a last-minute touchdown by the Giants that deprived them of a fourth.

And, of course, with Brady back on the field when the games count and with coach Bill Belichick leading the team.

“It’s not about two or three guys being superstars but it’s about all 53 guys making sure they contribute,” Harrison said. “If we weren’t confident, we wouldn’t be here. He (Belichick) would find somebody else to replace us.”

In light of the beginning of the NFL Season I thought I’d display the new NFL Fantasy Files vids.
This shit can’t be real.

Chris Cooley

Laurence Maroney

Mason Crosby

Chris Chambers

For the 2007 Vids Check the flipside.

Jason Campbell

Marques Colston

Marc Bulger

Andre Johnson

David Akers

Mike Nugent

So how smart do I look having booked my flight to Arizona after week five of the regular season. The foresight was there to see that the Pats were a team of destiny, a team bound for greatness and nothing would stand in their way.

Keeping it short and sweet because people probably aren’t at work today or tomorrow.

The Pats were a 22 point favorite and they won 28-7. So Miami covers again, and the Pats lose for the 5th time against the spread this season.  This is the first time the Patriots have defeated all their division opponents in a season. They were oh so close in 2004 before that stinker in Miami. Vindication! 

Randy Moss is just 2 TD’s away from breaking Jerry Rice’s touchdown record. So if Tommy Touchdown can throw two to Moss on Saturday night, he’ll break Satan Mannings record while helping Moss break Rice’s mark. More importantly with a win the Pats will become the 1st team in NFL history to finish a season 16-0 on our way to 19-0.   

Merry Christmas Everyone!  

 Following a week in which your third down back Kevin Faulk was your starter at running back and you relied on your fullback Heath Evans to be your tailback (nothing screams tailback like a fat white guy), one has to ask the question; where is Corey Dillon?

Coach Belichick was interviewed a couple weeks back on the Big Show and was asked if the team would consider bringing back Dillon and coach Bill said that’s not something the team is interested in at this time. Well, then can you tell me what’s wrong with Maroney the Jabroni? Either he’s the most fragile back in NFL history, or is so stupid that he stays in Bill’s doghouse week after week.

or 

 Anyway you slice or dice it, there is an issue at running back for the Patriots. As Al Michaels pointed out Sunday night (thanks Eli for the reminder) Tom Brady’s passer rating is 150 on play action. It’s pretty tough to sell play action when your starting running back is riding the pine for the first half. 

 I know it seems like were pigeon holing it, but when you’re #1, people are gunning for you. You can’t have any weaknesses and going into the final 6 weeks of the season this seams to be a big flaw with the Pats. It wasn’t so noticeable when Sammy Morris was in there running like a young Corey Dillon, but since his injury the Pats look very thin at running back.  So unless Maroney is going to smarten up or toughen up, I say you call Dillon and get him on the team. Ride him until the post season and then take San Fran’s #1 draft pick and get us a franchise running back.

(McFadden anyone?)