It was probably August, when I first started writing about my big sis’s wedding.

Well many bloggy interruptions and build-ups later, I bring you the final chapter…

…After epic preparations to make myself look hot in the Indian way (see last week’s post), I arrived at the reception hall by 6:45pm. Since the bride and groom wouldn’t roll in for another two hours, all eyes were on the first families. I’ve experienced this phenomenon as well when attending other weddings.  It’s like you suddenly become obsessed with the bride or groom’s family: what outfits they’re wearing, how their hair looks. And if they toss you a glance or even a smile, you feel special.

At my sister’s reception a similar fawning occurred, as people were practically pushing each other for a slice of my attention. It was weird, because normally I don’t even like these people. One of them tried to touch my hair and I almost punched her.

Yup, I was definitely channeling a Naomi Campbell style of self-importance…

Before I could throw my cellphone at any unsuspecting heads, the party ended for me…only fifteen minutes in. That was the moment when the stress of emceeing hit me like a truck.

We did have a couple of wedding assistants for the day, but since these blondies were experiencing their first ever Indian wedding, they were more excited about being in pictures vs. helping me organize the evening’s events.

I was so preoccupied I couldn’t even enjoy the array of appetizers! (which in Indian world, is as much food as two normal dinners). I managed to down a few bites of something that would normally be delicious, but the nervousness made me nauseous. So from then on it was straight up gingerale.

After that, my brand new brother-in-law who was also my co-emcee dropped a bomb:

“Wahhhh…I feel sick and I can’t emcee with you. Sorry. Good luck.”

I later realized his illness was in fact a pansy-like shyness, since at 1am he was dancing it up like a party animal.

Man-bitch!

And so, rather frantically, I wrote in the edits.

Time flew by but my sister kept calling to tell me she was running late, and then more late still. The extra time made me all the more frantic, and it didn’t help when the lowly plebian “after-thought” guests kept approaching. Like it’s none of your business when the bride will get here! Just go sit down at your table in the back with the shittiest view!

When my sister and her husband finally arrived, and finally finished with photographs (and when she finally adjusted her tiara for the twentieth time…pfft), I ran to the podium to get things started.

And it actually wasn’t so bad.

I mean aside from having a shine slick on my face from nervousness and constant sweating (I do NOT want to watch that wedding video), I was charming. And funny. And confident. In fact, for a whole week following the wedding, my parents, parents’ friends, and relatives  kept complimenting my performance. They said I reminded them of Indira Gandhi. The Indira Gandhi who was assassinated in 1984. Hmm…

With the stress of speeches and announcements mostly over, a new kind of stress came upon me:

-trying to kick the damn kiddie performers off the stage.

This army of boys must’ve kept on performing for something like…twenty minutes? It was song after song and costume change after costume change, with their stage mom standing next to me, yelling them along, and lining up the next coloured turban for the clothing switches.

To the audience, it was a show that wouldn’t end. Behind the scenes it was my sister and her husband screaming at me, telling me to shut it down.

So umm…I engaged in a yelling match with the stage mom. Tantrum style.

(what?)

She said the many songs were a part of the package deal. I said she would still get paid the same amount, but people were bored, so throw these kids in the van and move along!

She said no.

And she was scary-looking.

She then assured me we had reached the last song, and it would only last two more minutes.

Well it was TWO more songs and SEVEN more minutes.

When it was over we forgot all about it, but if made the reception less than perfect, and for that I feel permanently scorned.

Afterward everybody danced and ate the night away. Somewhere along the way I forgot to eat dinner. I REPEAT, I forgot to partake in a spectacular Indian buffet.

Sigh.

I was too busy being instructed to take candid pictures, or hoarding cupcakes so my sister could bring some home. Or making sure the kitchen staff sealed up the top tier of the cake instead of serving it (which they almost did).

I did get to eat a cupcake though. My one meal for the day.

On the negative side, I forgot to bring home the metal tiered cupcake stand (which was rented…oops. We never were able to retrieve it. A thieving kitchen worker is the only explanation).

And also I lost my sister’s camera.

Well I never said I was a PERFECT maid-of-honour…

End.

[So I think I'll finish the '09 blog with some memories of a recent trip to India. After that a brand new blog theme on the way for 2010---back to basics, that's all I'll say for now. I hope you don't lose sleep over all the suspense of not knowing (even though I know you will...)]

This weekend was such a really good time to catch up on lots of chats and quality time.

For the first time in ages, Hubba and I tried not to pack too many things into our schedule so we could sit and talk for hours.

And catch up we did – I miss these times and I’m so glad we’ve still got them in our lives.

such times are really the best

]]> http://thesicklychild.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/recipe-for-a-pleasant-sunday-afternoon/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 00:10:27 +0000 thesicklychild http://thesicklychild.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/recipe-for-a-pleasant-sunday-afternoon/

Walk downtown. Enjoy the weather.

Eat lunch. Walk to local bookstore to browse in a leisurely fashion. Proceed to the library. Check out books on CD for upcoming road trip to Philadelphia. Move on to coffee shop in the Memorial Union. Purchase caramel latte. Sip on latte as you read in a room that looks like this:

Spend the next few hours reading Oliver Twist in comfortable armchair while your spouse alternately reads and dozes in the armchair next to yours. Listen to the faint sounds of Dave Brubeck coming from the coffee shop down the hallway.

Walk home as the sun sets. Spend the rest of your evening reading. Try not to think about going back to work on Monday morning where, unfortunately, you do not get paid to read Oliver Twist.

Maartje Pool, for an overworked and thoroughly task-focused farmer’s wife, offers a very philosophical perspective to Selina on the eve of her wedding.  A true one, too, I’d say.  Selina’s sudden panic at the thought of tying herself to farm life in High Prairie forever is certainly understandable, but the heart has its reasons, I suppose.

In all honesty, I can understand her heart’s reasons in this case, as she prepares to marry the sturdy and kind Pervus De Jong.  He steps in to spare her embarassment in public in a surprisingly sweet way, and then pays her for reading lessons.  He’s a simple man, whose run of bad luck (whether we consider crop failures, the deaths of his first wife and their only child, etc.) is shockingly consistent.

I do like Edna Ferber’s work to keep the story grounded in reality. The courtship of Selina and Pervus is a bit too easy, but even there, Ferber offers a lot of context (especially in the attitudes of the Pool family, including Roelf, the 13 year old boy who is not-so-secretly in love with Selina) that keeps it from being a fairy tale.  And Selina’s life after the wedding is the rough, exhausting, never-ending drudge of a life that every woman in the community seems to lead.  These Great Lakes farms do not bear the storied amber waves of grain…they are lucky if good cabbages can be produced.  And Pervus is never lucky.

He refuses to take his wife’s advice on planting—her experience in it is all book learning, of course—preferring to trust the same techniques and practices his father used (and perhaps his father before him).  But he’s not a monster.  Pervus is exactly who he always was—a simple, kindly man who sincerely loves his young wife (and their newborn son, Dirk), but someone who has no concept, even, of the life that Selina wants to lead.  She is desperate to go back to “culture” and “society”, but she can’t even get Pervus to repaint their wagon.  They may be in love, but this was a poor match.

I don’t know if the tale is intended to be cautionary, but it certainly serves that purpose.  Selina, a young thing and full of passion, thinks that the rapid beating of her heart when Pervus is near will be enough.  I don’t think it will.  Even if she is loyal to him, and he to her, they will never really fulfill each other’s needs.  He will never be interested in the books she reads (let alone read any himself, for them to talk about), and she will never be the homemaker that Maartje Pool is.  I hate to be a downer about this…to say that love isn’t the all-conquering force that pop music and Hallmark want us to believe it is.  There’s no other way to account for the reality of relationships, though.

Oddly, this book is titled So Big, which, as noted before, is the nickname young Dirk De Jong gets as a toddler (his mother asks him “how big Baby is” and gets that stock response).  So, where will Selina, our central character for the book’s first 110+ pages, disappear to?  I know that novelists play with the idea of which character is the real protagonist; an idea perhaps most famously stated in the opening line of David Copperfield by Charles Dickens (“Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show.”).  But given the otherwise straightforward nature of this book’s plot, it’s hard to see why and how Dirk “So Big” De Jong will supplant his mother—and honestly, it’s hard for me to imagine being able to transfer my emotional investment in her to him unless it’s done really skillfully.  We’ll see.

Oh, and I have to mention that the brief passages we get of her schoolteaching (before she’s married) are horrifying.  Maybe all teachers at the time really did demand their students to “parse” (or “diagram”) sentences on the fly.  But it strikes me as a rotten way to teach—people reminisce about the good old days, sometimes, but educationally, I ‘d say it appears to me we should be glad to get well clear of 1890s public education (at least in rural areas).

OMG  Ok this is not cool.  I’m 41 with two sons 18 and 15 years old.

My life is exhausting and complex and now I have a baby to think about?!*#@!  I don’t know what to think.  This is not the way to help a marriage.  I was just so hoping to repair the relationship with my husband.  Now I am saddled with a pregnancy and he can do whatever the hell he wants – he does anyway.  I suppose I will be happy about a baby but it will take time. I’m almost old enough to be a grandmother!

I feel SICK!  Pregnancy is rough on me.  I don’t have morning sickness I have all day sickness for 9 months.

I can laugh about it.  My husband and I were looking forward to getting to know each other.  We have been pregnant and then with kids since the third month of our marriage.  Now we have to start over.  It’s totally totally CRAZY.

I hope the baby is healthy and we have fun with it.  I just know it is not going to bring us together.  Kids move often come between parents.  NEED LOTS OF PRAYERS!

It’s been very frustrating being so inactive of late – So we took the fixies out for a little spin with Ran & Meow on Saturday before chowing down a whole lotta yummies.

Ahh… These are what great weekends are made of.

While I’m no expert on marriage and family relations, I do know a few things from experience, observation, and research that contribute to successful relationships. One particular concept that’s on my mind today is Stephen Covey’s emotional bank account. My husband and I discussed this before we got married, and we’re still referring to it. Why? Because it works.

A simple but revolutionary idea, the emotional bank account works pretty much like a bank account at a financial institution.  If I want to use my debit card, I have to make regular deposits to my account. I also have to make sure that the money in my account is sufficient to cover all withdrawals; otherwise, I’ll be overdrawn and have to pay a huge overdraft fee. Naturally, I don’t like that so I keep a close watch on my expenditures.

The idea of deposits and withdrawals works exactly the same in interpersonal relationships. This is so simple to see, and yet sometimes emotions like anger or resentment or plain old selfishness get in the way of our vision. Often we get so caught up in what we want when we want it that we can’t see the dynamics that are going on.  “Me-ness” runs rampant.

While everyone has a different idea of what constitutes a deposit, sincere compliments, hugs, acts of service, and common courtesies can make everyone stand a little taller.  Is it really that hard to say, “You look great,” or to iron your husband’s shirt (or your wife’s blouse)?  These are little things, and yet I’m convinced that in relationships, the little things are the big things.  Apologizing when you’ve hurt or disappointed someone can actually be a deposit. So can occasionally doing things you don’t really enjoy like accompanying your sweetie to an event that’s important to him. Not because you like basketball games or church socials but because you love the person.

Deposits are important because sooner or later you’re going to make a withdrawal, usually unintentionally.  Sometimes it’s something little like forgetting to pick up the dry-cleaning, and sometimes it’s a doozy like forgetting an anniversary. At times like these, you need to make sure your account is still solvent.

Not long ago my daughter Carrie was putting some clothes that her husband Rich had washed into the dryer when she began to notice stains that hadn’t been Shouted out, and now the tiny shirts were ruined for good. Plus, Rich had used hot water, and some dark clothes had faded on some white ones. She began to get exasperated and downright angry as she thought, “How hard would it have been to pick up the Shout and spray it on Emma’s shirt? And why couldn’t he reach up and change the water temperature to warm?” Still fuming, she then began to remember all of the wonderful things Rich did for the children and her every single day.  Before her laundry experience was over, she was feeling grateful again, and their relationship was “in the chips.” If Rich had not consistently made deposits, her anger could have escalated to the point that she’d have been really irritated and critical.

 A friend of mine used to call this “piling up your chips.” Call it what you like. Just do it. Just make some deposits and see what happens.

Sometimes I get touchy about word choice.

1 Corinthians 13

The Way of Love

¹ If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. ²If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing. ^3-7If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Today we recited this as a congregation in the church where Greg and I are attending – we recited in NIV – but I love what the Message Bible has to say.  And whenever you read something like this passage of scripture – sure enough – you feel convicted for not living up to this – or not having others live up to it in your life.

I was thinking about that today.  Love.  Real Love.  What exactly is it?  In the NIV – it says that “love always protects”  in the Message “puts up with anything”  powerful and underestimated words.  You see when you really love someone – you don’t want to see them humiliated or exposed in anyway – don’t want others thinking bad about them – NO – you will do anything to make sure they are safe and protected – you will put up with anything.  Endure any embarrassment on their behalf – because you believe the best in them – always – and you know that person you love will eventually see things the right way – if you are patient enough.  Love ALWAYS believes the best.

It reminds me of a good marriage relationship.  It is not always perfect – but it always protects and loves – no matter what.  It is self sacrificing and loyal – even sometimes when the other person forgets to be.  It always looks for the best – never holds a grudge – you care more for that person than you do yourself.

It reminds me of a good friendship.  It is not jealous and self seeking – but loves unconditionally – always believes the best – always keeps confidences and trust.  Always protects – always loves.

It reminds me of the love you have for your children.  Even when they “mess up” you still love them - and believe the very best for them.  You protect them and constantly encourage them to be better than they are.

and finally…

It reminds me of God’s love for us.  It is constant and unwavering.  It is unconditional – will never fail – will never grow tired – always believes – always endures – it will be there until the end.

Have a blessed day full of God’s love!

God Bless

Eight weeks of being engaged.. and still on track. Still love her. She still seems to love me. So far, so good.

Mildly freaky is, of course, the fact that in 3 months and 5 days I shall be married. Blimey.

New news: we think we’ve cracked the venue. Final negotiation conversation still to be had, but we think we’re there. phew. and assuming it all goes according to plan, it’s going to be a fantastic place for a big bash. More details asap. Good “learnings” for us about how we make decisions, too. Differently, is how we make decisions. But if it doesn’t kill you, … right?

Lots of other tasks are also being dealt with: Lists of invitees being prepared, thinking about the ceremony, official paperwork being done, initial conversation with the Best Man brother Steve raised some good ideas and showed his wit is being finely honed (damn). Fi found her shoes after deciding that the Manolos just weren’t worth it. Also, various trips for dress-needy bridesmaids are in the pipeline.

[Would you believe that, even with more than 3 months to go, Fi is classed as a "late" bride. and of course, that incurs an extra fee... even though they don't have to do anything in a rush! yet another swiz from the wedding-fleecing industry]

Bad news on the guest front is that Mrs Roberts (nee Stannett) won’t be able to join. If only I’d told her the date a week earlier, then perhaps her visit to London could have been extended. Such a shame.

Finally, more practical stuff: Hen do is planned for the 30th Jan weekend and Stag do will be the week before or after. Mentions of clippers being brought on stag do are not funny…

The doctor says
you have to walk
she says
to the husband
she drags through
the shops.

                But he didn’t say
                I have to look
                or like it.

But you have to do it
anyway.

                I could do
                something
                else.

Yes
but what.

It’s been almost three weeks since I held a meaningful conversation with anyone. I am a person who says what he feels, always have been. For me to feel the way I have and keep it all bottled up inside has been a struggle. No one will ever know what I have been going through for the past three weeks. I am not good at bearing my own cross. Who can I turn to to talk about my true feelings? The book talks of writing to a virtual reader – this does me little good, I need to share my feelings with someone real, someone pure.

I have always known what I have, its what I never had that I didn’t know. The way I feel about my wife is no different than the way I felt 6 months ago, the problem is now I know how it feels to be in love, the kind of love that makes all my worries and fears seem insignificant. I can see now how God intended it to work. You find out they are laying off at your work, you don’t care because no matter what they do, they can’t take away the most important thing in your life. This is comfort I have never experienced before in my life.

Why am I going to India? Because I had this romantic notion that I could outrun this situation on the other side of midnight. Maybe things are different 8000 miles away? Maybe everything is just magically okay on the other side of the globe? Mumbai, like New York is a city of equal parts enchantment and disenchantment, all juxtaposed together, side by side.

How I wished today I could touch her hand! I don’t ask for much, just one time I’d like to know know what it feels like to hold her hand and brush against her shoulder with mine. :|]

“I will have poetry in my life. And adventure. And love. Love above all. No…not the artful postures of love, not playful and poetical games of love for the amusement of an evening. but love that…overthrows life. Unbiddable, ungovernable, like a riot in the heart, and nothing to be done, come ruin or rapture”.

This is MY crossroads. Do I choose to believe in this fairy tale love? Does it really exist? I soooo want to believe that there is such a thing. Can you imagine if it is true? How much more my life would make sense if it were true….

I’m currently reading Camera Lucida*,  a kind of meditation on the meaning of photography by the French philosopher Roland Barthes. It’s rather a mixed experience: one minute i’m thrilled, the next exasperated. Let’s leave that aside however; what i’d really like to talk about is a passage on page 10 where he writes:

… once i feel myself to be observed by the lens, everything changes: i constitute myself in the act of “posing”, i instantaneously make another body for myself, i transform myself in advance into an image. This transformation is an active one: i feel that the Photograph creates my body or mortifies it, according to its caprice…

Do you recognise what he’s talking about? Maybe it made you smile? Well, for me, reading those lines was like being struck by lightning.

Instantly, i remembered how in the years before i transitioned, i would smile as brightly and as widely as possible whenever i was photographed. This was truer than ever during the years of my marriage. I beam like a sun in practically every picture taken of me in that period; i gleam ecstatically. Yet that was the beginning of the long, slow unravelling that brought me to the point where i finally understood that i had to transition. It was a time when turmoil, pain and confusion reigned inside my mind.

So why the smile? The reason is simple: i believed that if all the pictures of my life showed me to be happy, then i would have been happy – not simply seemed to be happy, but actually been happy. It was one of those beliefs that possessed me so deeply that i wasn’t aware of its existence.

Now it shocks me: not just the power i ascribed to photography, but the thrall that i was in to images in general. It’s as though i thought that they were realer than reality itself. My life at that time was a constant parade of impersonations of the female sex: i was ‘earth mother’, ‘sophisticated lady’, ‘out and out tart’ – sometimes all in the space of an afternoon! Even after my marriage broke down i didn’t abandon the attempt. It was only after i’d exhausted every version of ‘female’ i could think of that i gave in and bowed to the inevitable.

My naive belief in appearances reflected my own inability to understand why i couldn’t be a woman. I didn’t – couldn’t – recognise that gender identity has to have its roots inside a person. I thought it could be planted on the outside and cultivated till it flowered within. It also showed how deeply ashamed i was of my own unhappiness, the misery i didn’t understand and couldn’t name. What better way to hide a big, big sorrow than with a big, big smile?

Now i smile when i’m happy – although not always and never like i did back then. I don’t do impersonations anymore.

* Camera Lucida (ISBN 978-0-099-22541-6; publisher: Vintage Classics)

Reading a Life for a Life today, a couple of quotes caught my interest:

“When all the day’s cares and pleasures are ended, and the rest of the world shut out, the heart would naturally turn to the only one in whom, next to Heaven, is its real rest, its best comfort, closer than either friend, or brother, or sister–less another person than half itself.” Every night when I turn out the lights and go to bed, I can’t help but think of her. Does she still think of me this way? From all outward signs, it is difficult to be sure. She still cares about me, this is for sure, but does she still think of me as I think of her? It is hard to know for sure when you are looking through such a cloudy instrument. From what I know of her, she outwardly appears strong and tries to do the right thing, but when you look really closely, you see someone who wants to believe so deeply in the love of books, movies and fairy tales. This is the crux of the crossroads for me, will I still choose to believe in such a love, or will I succumb to doing what’s right for others, in spite of what may seem right for me (as most others in my situation have done)? One would think it takes courage to do the right thing, but when you really think about it, doing the right thing is the safest, least courageous choice of all. The difficult choice is the one that exposes you to a lifetime of longing, all in exchange for the slightest moment of happiness.
 

“For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part” – if you really examine the vow, it was broken a long time ago. There is nothing in this statement about just sticking out the marriage, the expectation is much higher than that. “To Love and to Cherish”, that was the promise. I promise to love you and cherish you for the rest of my life. By sticking around I am actually breaking the vow! Part of me has always felt that both of us would be better off with someone else, with whom we have a fighting chance of keeping the vow.

There's a war on. Are you going to enlist, be drafted or be run over?

The Manhattan Declaration has been finalized, signed and released.  The summary of the document is:

Christians, when they have lived up to the highest ideals of their faith, have defended the weak and vulnerable and worked tirelessly to protect and strengthen vital institutions of civil society, beginning with the family.

We are Orthodox, Catholic, and evangelical Christians who have united at this hour to reaffirm fundamental truths about justice and the common good, and to call upon our fellow citizens, believers and non-believers alike, to join us in defending them. These truths are:

1. the sanctity of human life
2. the dignity of marriage as the conjugal union of husband and wife
3. the rights of conscience and religious liberty.

Inasmuch as these truths are foundational to human dignity and the well-being of society, they are inviolable and non-negotiable. Because they are increasingly under assault from powerful forces in our culture, we are compelled today to speak out forcefully in their defense, and to commit ourselves to honoring them fully no matter what pressures are brought upon us and our institutions to abandon or compromise them. We make this commitment not as partisans of any political group but as followers of Jesus Christ, the crucified and risen Lord, who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Folks, I don’t know if you have heard but there’s a war going on.  Yep and it’s time to chose sides.  These Christian leaders have chosen theirs, and written up a biblical, theologically-based explanation. What will YOU choose?

Read the entire document here.   And then sign here.

…I am signature 18702.

Postscript:  Fr. Z assures us that while the war is raging, our awesome Pope is implementing a Marshall Plan!  He’s got some other good advice, too.

I have a question (well probably more than one but lets start with one) for people out there…what is life about?  I guess it’s one of those why are we here type questions.  I have figured out what I think life is about but I am intrigued.  so many people spend all of their time stressing and freaking out thinking they have to do so many different things and creating big problems for themselves.  Honestly, for the most part life isn’t that complicated.  Take my husband for example, he is freaking out because he doesn’t know if I am “the one” or if we will work out and so he is stuck frozen with fear of making the wrong choice.  Why?  I really don’t get it, I understand his fears, I see where they are coming from but I don’t understand why he has let them become so big and control him.  To me life is about fun, to me that is why we are here, to see what we can do and how happy we can make ourselves and each other.  So, if I were in my husband’s situation (actually I was in his situation) my choice is easy, move.  That choice presents everything, I have a chance to work on the relationship to actually see if it will work, I get to live somewhere new, I remove some stresses and potentially set myself up for a better future, even if things don’t work out I at least spend some time enjoying myself and having fun.  For him he just can not figure it out, he doesn’t like his set up right now, can’t remember the last time he was happy or the last time he actually went out and had fun, for him it is basic survival.  Why continually force yourself into that?  Take advantage of a chance and improve your situation, have some fun and if it doesn’t work out then go back to where you were.  Why do people take problems and complicate them and twist them into something unmanageable?  Just jump, take that leap of faith and see what happens.  Life isn’t about standing still frozen scared to make any decisions, you jump, you take some steps forward and you see what it does for you.  You move around and try things, you explore, get up to mischief, adventure and do something!  My goal in life…to have as much fun and be as happy as possible, life is a series of moments, I will enjoy each moment to the fullest so I can look back and say I well and truly enjoyed my life rather than spending so much time trying to make the correct decision and waiting for something to happen so I look back at my life and realize how much I have missed.  I want to play and I want someone who will play with me and enjoy life.

I haven’t posted anything this weekend because I have been too busy having a good time.

50th birthday party on Friday night then we left the kids with various friends and family so we could have about thirty hours to ourselves.

We simply went up town and had lunch, did a little shopping and had a coffee. Then we went to the supermarket and bought ingredients so we could cook dinner that we love but can’t ever make because the kids won’t eat. Hot and sour soup, then deep fried crispy beef and some bubbly from my 40th that had been on top of the fridge. Thank you Kathleen. Then today a long lie, after ten before the dog got out into the garden, a slow breakfast and a little more shopping on the way for the kids.

Nearly a perfect weekend.

When you’ve been married for a while and you have commitments that make your life a thing you take part in rather than control, relationships can waver. So taking time to do stuff that just lets you be is worth more than anything I can think of tonight.

I’ve eaten too much dinner so it’s time to hit the sofa for the first time this weekend, bliss.

Well I had an earlier post but recently I went through some housecleaning and decided to revisit this post so my message will come across a bit clearer ; ).

Through a period in my life of soul-searching  I came to a place through meditation which led to prayer, study of the Bible (I started out with a Daily Devotional Bible) and reading a few keys books by various authors that led to the following revelation of what we humans were created for. This initially came to me in March of 2008 but today after  some time walking with Jesus I can properly communicate what I feel the Lord was trying to show me with this revelation.

Our Life’s Purpose: To be a clear vessels so that God’s love will flow through us to others (Just like Jesus modelled perfectly for us).

So the question is, How does one become a clear vessel?

Well for start there is no way we can do this by our own strength but with God’s help  there is definitely a way. Over the past couple years here are a few things I have observed and tried to practise in my daily walk. I have to say that for me personally I have had some pretty phenomenal experiences but I urge you to go get your own experiences and Testimony to fully appreciate what I am trying to communicate. These words really do not truly come alive until you put them into practice but I guess the same can be said about reading the Bible, as it does not become the living breathing word of God until you put the words into action in the world ; ) .

4 things or areas in our lives that are blocking or interfering with this flow (The Holy Spirit):

  1) Sin

Romans 6:12-14 

Dead to Sin, Alive to God

10 For the death he died he died to sin, once for all, but the life he lives he lives to God. 11 So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus.12 Let not  sin therefore reign in your mortal body, to make you obey its passions. 13 Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. 14 For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.

- For those of you that are not familiar with the concept of Sin I suggest reading the following sections of scripture to get an idea what Sin is all about from a Biblical perspective:

Exodus 20: 1-17 – The Ten Commandments

Mathew 5:1-19 – The Sermon on the Mount – (God’s interpretation of the Ten Commandments through the man Jesus Christ).

Think of these verses like a mirror and when we hold these verses up to our own lives we can see how flawed we are. which in my opinion is the point of the verses to begin with. There is no way a human being can fulfill these verses perfectly it is impossible as we all have a bit of wickedness in us. That is what SIN is, our imperfections compared to God’s Holiness. We need to be aware of this SIN in our life and repent (to turn away from) and confess (admit) of our wicked SELF centered ways. This is one of the major lessons I learned unfortunately the hard way, before coming to Christ  I was the most self-centered person walking the planet. It was all about me and my immediate family but that was it and to be honest I was not very nice to my immediate family. Mostly just plain selfish and man was it an empty way to live…..

Romans 5:21
so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Another concept of Sin that you all can probably relate to outside the Bible is that little small voice we have in our minds. The voice we hear when we have that moment of choice to make the right or wrong decision. When we make the wrong decision or disobey the voice that could be considered a Sin. Yes I know that is a lot of Sin’s right? Same concept of the above verses. Some say that our conscience(the small voice) is the direction of the Holy Spirit in our lives but if we ignore this voice for long enough we will sear it and no longer hear this direction. This is a whole other Post though and one I will write some day soon. There are many verses in the Bible that support this idea, 28 Verses with the word conscience in the New Testament alone!

1 Timothy 1:5
The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.

Hebrews 13:18
Pray for us, for we are sure that we have a clear conscience, desiring to act honorably in all things.

1 Timothy 4:2
through the insincerity of liars whose consciences are seared,

Titus 1:15
To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled.

One of the biggest flaws in the New Age movement or any other belief system is they do not believe in the concept of Sin which unfortunately negates any reconciliation to God and also keeps us separated from God. If there was no SIN in the world then Jesus did not have to come and die on the Cross for our SINS. The Bible would be a complete lie, Jesus a complete fraud or just another man of enlightenment, a Guru. Was Jesus who he said he was?

“A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic – on the level with a man who says he is a poached egg – or he would be the devil of hell. You must take your choice. Either this was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us.”
C.S. Lewis
Mere Christianity

2) Fear of Death

John 3:16

 For God So Loved the World
“For God so loved the world,[1] that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 8: 38-39

38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- This one is a big one and hold a lot of power over us here on earth but according to what is written in the Holy Bible we have nothing to fear when it comes to death. Through a relationship with Jesus we realize that we are eternal beings but where we spend eternity is up to us, Heaven or Hell. I do not know about you but I pick heaven.

John 6:40
For this is the will of my Father, that everyone who looks on the Son and believes in him should have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day.”

John 6:47
Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life.

 3) Releasing ourselves(by handing it over to Jesus) from Guilt/Shame

Matthew 5:4
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

2 Corinthians 1:3

God of All Comfort
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort,

2 Corinthians 1:4
who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 13:11

Final Greetings
Finally, brothers,[1] rejoice. Aim for restoration, comfort one another,[2] agree with one another, live in peace; and the God of love and peace will be with you.

- Created from false beliefs that we accumulated from our experiences in childhood and life which have continued throughout the point of awakening(breaking point) and beyond.  Unfortunately these experiences have a direct impact on our perception of the world we walk around in today. We have to revisit these events one by one and look through the eyes of the Father and ask him what he sees happening during these events and not what you and  I perceived to be happening. For me this was a very freeing process and one that really never ends now as I try my best to look through the eyes of the Father as I walk it out . You will notice that when you look at the people who had such an impact on you emotionally you will find a lot of the time that they are just wounded human beings lashing out at the world. They say a person’s behavior is a condition of their heart, which is exactly what Jesus saw when he looked at a person. You would be surprised what comes up as you do this type of work and bring Jesus into the scene,  I have seen 20+years worth of baggage, hurt and pain just shattered by this type of work. Please do not take my word for this but try it for yourself. All you need is a few Christians to pray for you and walk you through this process, believe me you have nothing to lose from giving this a try and it is FREE : ).

  I think we as Followers of Christ are called to look directly at a person’s heart and bypass all the exterior junk which I realize is easier said than done, especially when loved ones are involved. Not saying that it is our job to try and fix these people we meet as we all know it is only Jesus that can fix anything but it just allows us to see things clearly and from a Kingdom perspective. I think during our ministry (every one of us has one and it is at our work or when we are with our families and friends) this is key as we will step into their shoes and really try and understand their point of view. Then and only then will that love flow freely from the Father through us and to them.

4) Freedom from Self Will / Ego

Luke 9:23

Take Up Your Cross and Follow Jesus
And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

- Symbolically The body of Jesus nailed to the cross represents the death of Self Will and total surrender to God. Achieved only through a life totally surrendered to God through a Relationship with Jesus Christ. This is paramount we must completely surrender our Wills and submit to the will of God. We are called to walk this out daily.

The choice is ours: either to submit ourselves to the compassionate way of God and find life or to go our own rebellious, self-centered way and find death;.

The other part of this equation(a most important part in my opinion) is that we have to spend time with God and in his presence through meditation and prayer. For me this has been the catalyst in my march to Freedom.  I wrote another blog on Meditation and Contemplative prayer so I am not going to write about it again here. Combining this with the study of Scripture (from the Holy Bible) is the only way(in my opinion) a person will achieve their True Life’s Purpose. Anything less is futile but hey that is just my perspective. Be Blessed people and have a good day.

Jamie Kirby

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.  ~Jennifer Yane

it was a rough work week.  i’m finding it hard to keep a work / life balance lately.  thank god for the hubby-man for not only keeping the house, but for also helping me keep my sanity.  and thankful too, for the upcoming holiday break & the upcoming visit of some good friends of our’s to remind me what’s real & what’s important in this life.  sometimes it moves too quickly.  i need to stop & just be for a bit.

it’s sunday afternoon, and i feel like i’m still not recovered from last week.  add to that a busy social life this coming week.  i’ll gladly welcome a 3-day weekend (saturday – monday for me).  i think i’ll need it to keep my head from exploding.  sometimes being a grown-up is *so* over-rated!

Most women I see tell me they are happy that they found someone special and are married because they would not want to be alone. What’s more curious, however, is how many women tell me that they really feel lonely IN their marriage. As hard as it is to feel lonely when you have no significant other, it is even more emotionally difficult when you do have a partner and you feel lonely anyway. When you are single, you at least have the fantasy that one day you’ll meet someone and not be lonely. But when you are married, your loneliness feels infinite and hopeless. You wonder, is it me, is it him or is it us?

What is loneliness?

Married or not, everyone has some time they spend alone. But not everyone enjoys it. The fact is to some degree we are all alone, in that no one can ever be at one with us “really”. On the other hand, metaphorically, we can feel at one with someone for periods of very intimate time. This happens in great friendships and great marriages. Still, even with your soul mate, there are times you will be alone. Alone simply means no other human being is with you. Alone time can even be intensely enjoyable if it is experienced as a freedom to do what you want and if you have the self confidence to think that your own company is pretty darn good. Loneliness is a feeling of emptiness, abandonment and rejection. You do not need to be alone to feel lonely and lonely is not a good feeling.

Why you might be lonely in your marriage.

With our ever increasing global economy, more and more people have to travel as part of their job. A lot of separation from ones spouse will of course leave you feeling lonely. Whether it is a husband in the military service or your need to make business trips, too much time alone is very hard on a marriage. This is stating the obvious. What isn’t so obvious is the many women who feel lonely with their husband close by.

In the courtship phase of a relationship couples tend to be very forthcoming in expressing their feelings of affection, of desire and of pleasure in being together. This often lasts through the first year or two of marriage. Then the settling into the relationship takes place and with it, taking for granted that the other person knows you care. In addition, it comes from working to build a financial future and often kids. Now many things compete for your attention which makes you both need more attention and feel like giving less. Not a great combination. I hear many women describing a marriage that sounds more like teammates in a military operation than a loving couple. The functional parts of the partnership like whose going to get the groceries, feed the kids, pick them up etc. becomes the marriage. Even when a woman does sit down with her husband it’s to zone out in front of the TV. She often wants to talk, but he wants to watch the game. The distance grows and soon she feels like she’s alone while she’s sitting next to him.

Developmental changes in a marriage also tend to bring up loneliness. You get so many new intense feelings when you become a new parent, when your children grow up and leave home, when you retire and you really want to share those feelings and be understood. This requires allowing yourself to be vulnerable because, of course, your spouse may feel differently than you do. As a result sometimes neither party will venture out with what they are experiencing and the distance grows between them. Some of these developmental milestones remove other people in your life who may have been filling a void (like your children or your colleagues). As a result what you are missing in your marriage becomes more apparent and you feel lonely.

Women communicate differently then men. Girlfriends tend to bond over very emotional content, whereas men tend to bond over shared activities. Many women tell me that they really wish their husbands would talk to them like their girlfriends. In fact, they expect this kind of communication and then feel disappointed, rejected and lonely when it’s just not the same. They end up feeling that if they share their fears and dreams, he won’t really get it in any kind of deep and meaningful way. Some men are not as emotionally communicative as others. This is not the same as the man who either doesn’t notice when something is really up with you or worse yet, doesn’t care. The above reasons women feel lonely are really a part of the normal course of relationships. Not that anyone should settle for feeling lonely in their marriage. I am simply saying that these are normal bumps in the road that you need to and can contend with.

Much more problematic is when you feel lonely and isolated because in fact, you are under emotional attack. If he criticizes you often, belittles you, tells you that you are nothing without him and threatens to leave or hurt you, then this is emotional abuse. In this setting it’s not unusual for the same man to isolate you from friends and family in order to keep control over the relationship. This is lonely and frightening. This is a relationship you need to get out of.

Lastly, but certainly not least, is the woman who really cannot tolerate being alone. I see women who need company constantly and who feel scared and rejected when they aren’t with someone. This woman for any variety of reasons has very low self esteem and without feeling attached to someone else they experience their feelings of worthlessness full on.

What to do about loneliness.

While there may not be anything “wrong” with you or your relationship if you feel lonely, there still can be plenty you can do about it. First, you have to give attention to get attention. Many couples fall into a “Mexican standoff” of waiting for the other one to make the emotional first move. If your husband isn’t holding your hand, then take his. Tell him you really like it when you snuggle up in bed and talk. Ask him what is on his mind, how he envisions his career going, who is being a pain at work, where he sees his life in five years and in ten. Give him the same kind of attention and interaction you’d like to receive. Be a model of the change. Then ask him to do the same for you. He may not realize what’s missing for you and the more specific you can be about your needs; the more likely you are to get what you want.

In addition to going to him to get more from the marriage you also can improve the marriage by finding satisfaction on your own. Allowing for some separate time for each of you to explore what interests you can actually be very stimulating for you both when you later come back together. By nurturing some independence, you build your own confidence and will feel less needy. This “self-possession” will translate into a partner that each of you want to know more about and have fun with. Similarly, nurturing a social life of your own with friends will help you feel less lonely. What you share with women friends can be a deep meeting of the minds. Many women find that friends are really on the same page they are and provide very gratifying understanding. This is not instead of your spouse; it’s simply in addition and will leave you feeling less alone. On the other hand it is extremely important to be able to enjoy some alone time. If you really never enjoy being alone this is a project worth undertaking. Make a list of things you might like to do alone like reading, gardening, painting, listening to music…then go through each and give it a try.

Interestingly, the more you “practice” this skill, the more you will feel comfortable with it. Learning to enjoy your own company is a necessary first step to diminishing loneliness whether it’s by yourself or with your partner.

Three Things to say to him.

1. “I really like it when we cuddle up and talk about…”
2. “What would you like to do together…”
3. “I miss sharing what we care and dream about…”

What are your thoughts?  Leave a comment below.

It is good to see that one of the churches that endorsed the reject R-71 campaign is “Atonement Free.”  Prtoecting marriage means never having to say you are sorry.

THE ART OF OUTSOURCING

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Short Fiction – One of my favourite fiction short stories…

One leisurely morning, while I am loafing on Main Street, in Pune, I meet an old friend of mine.

“Hi!” I say.

“Hi,” he says, “where to?”

“Aimless loitering,” I say, “And you?”

“I’m going to work.”

“Work? This early? I thought your shift starts in the evening, or late at night. You work at a call center don’t you?”

“Not now. I quit. I’m on my own now.”

“On your own? What do you do?”

“LPO.”

“LPO? What’s that?”

“Life Process Outsourcing.”

“Life Process Outsourcing? Never heard of it!”

“You’ve heard of Business Process Outsourcing haven’t you?”

“BPO? Outsourcing non-core business activities and functions?”

“Precisely. LPO is similar to BPO. There it’s Business Processes that are outsourced, here it’s Life Processes.”

“Life Processes? Outsourced?”

“Why don’t you come along with me? I’ll show you.”

Soon we are in his office. It looks like a mini call center.

A young attractive girl welcomes us. “Meet Rita, my Manager,” my friend says, and introduces us.

Rita looks distraught, and says to my friend, “I’m not feeling well. Must be viral fever.”

“No problem. My friend here will stand in.”

“What? I don’t have a clue about all this LPO thing!” I protest.

“There’s nothing like learning on the job! Rita will show you.”

“It’s simple,” Rita says, in a hurry. “See the console. You just press the appropriate switch and route the call to the appropriate person or agency.”

And with these words Rita disappears. It’s the shortest induction training I have ever had in my life.

And so I plunge into the world of Life Process Outsourcing; or LPO as they call it.

It’s all very simple.

Everyone is busy. Working people don’t seem to have time these days, but they have lots of money; especially those double income couples, IT nerds, MBA hot shots, finance wizards; just about everybody running desperately in the modern rat race.

So what do they do? Simple. They ‘outsource’!

‘Non-core Life Activities’, for which you neither have the inclination or the time – you just outsource them; so you can maximize your work-time to rake in the money and make a fast climb up the ladder of success.

A ring, a flash on the console infront of me and I take my first LPO call.

“My daughter’s puked in her school. They want someone to pick her up and take her home. I’m busy in a shoot and just can’t leave,” a creative ad agency type with a husky voice says.

“Why don’t you tell your husband?” I suggest.

“Are you crazy or something? I’m a single mother.”

“Sorry ma’am. I didn’t know. My sympathies and condolences.”

“Condolences? Who’s this? Is this LPO?”

“Yes ma’am,” I say, press the button marked ‘children’ and transfer the call, hoping I have made the right choice. Maybe I should have pressed ‘doctor’.

Nothing happens for the next few moments. I breathe a sigh of relief.

A yuppie wants his grandmother to be taken to a movie. I press the ‘movies’ button. ‘Movies’ transfers the call back, “Hey, this is for movie tickets; try ‘escort services’. He wants the old hag escorted to the movies.”

‘Escort Services’ are in high demand. These guys and girls, slogging in their offices minting money, want escort services for their kith and kin for various non-core family processes like shopping, movies, eating out, sight seeing, marriages, funerals, all types of functions; even going to art galleries, book fairs, exhibitions, zoos, museums or even a walk in the nearby garden.

A father wants someone to read bedtime stories to his small son while he works late. A busy couple wants proxy stand-in ‘parents’ at the school PTA meeting. An investment banker rings up from Singapore; he wants his mother to be taken to pray in a temple at a certain time on a specific day.

Someone wants his kids to be taken for a swim, brunch, a play and browsing books and music.

A sweet-voiced IT project manager wants someone to motivate and pep-talk her husband, who’s been recently sacked, and is cribbing away at home demoralized. He desperately needs someone to talk to, unburden himself, but the wife is busy – she neither has the time nor the inclination to take a few days off to boost the morale of her depressed husband when there are deadlines to be met at work and so much is at stake.

The things they want outsourced range from the mundane to the bizarre; life processes that one earlier enjoyed and took pride in doing or did as one’s sacred duty are considered ‘non-core life activities’ now-a-days by these highfalutin people.

At the end of the day I feel illuminated on this novel concept of Life Process Outsourcing, and I am about to leave, when suddenly a call comes in.

“LPO?” a man asks softly.

“Yes, this is LPO. May I help you?” I say.

“I’m speaking from Frankfurt Airport. I really don’t know if I can ask this?” he says nervously.

“Please go ahead and feel free to ask anything you desire, Sir. We do everything.”

“Everything?”

“Yes, Sir. Anything and everything!” I say.

“I don’t know how to say this. This is the first time I’m asking. You see, I am working 24/7 on an important project for the last few months. I’m globetrotting abroad and can’t make it there. Can you please arrange for someone suitable to take my wife out to the New Year’s Eve Dance?”

I am taken aback but quickly recover, “Yes, Sir.”

“Please send someone really good, an excellent dancer, and make sure she enjoys and has a good time. She loves dancing and I just haven’t had the time.”

“Of course, Sir.”

“And I told you – I’ve been away abroad for quite some time now and I’ve got to stay out here till I complete the project.”

“I know. Work takes top priority.”

“My wife. She’s been lonely. She desperately needs some love. Do you have someone with a loving and caring nature who can give her some love? I just don’t have the time. You understand what I’m saying, don’t you?”

I let the words sink in. This is one call I am not going to transfer. “Please give me the details, Sir,” I say softly into the mike.

As I walk towards my destination with a spring in my step, I feel truly enlightened.

Till this moment, I never knew that ‘love’ was a ‘non-core’ ‘life-process’ worthy of outsourcing.

Long Live LPO!

Life Process Outsourcing!

Love Process Outsourcing!

Call it what you like, but I’m sure you’ve got the essence of outsourcing.

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 2009

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work.

http://vikramkarve.sulekha.com

http://www.linkedin.com/in/karve

Appetite for a Stroll

http://books.sulekha.com/book/appetite-for-a-stroll/default.htm

vikramkarve@sify.com

Statistics (on how many men are cheating) are hard to come by, because, let’s face it, most men do not want to come clean on this subject. However, figures range from 24% to as much as 60%. Any way you cut it, many men are straying from monogamy.

What are the reasons that men do cheat? Men appear from studies to be more sexually motivated to have an affair than women (who are more emotionally motivated). So, for instance, men are motivated by a desire for sexually experimentingand for having the rush associated with “new sex”. This is their way of prolonging indefinitely the early and intoxicating phase of infatuation in a relationship.

They also do it for control and power in the relationship. If he is an affair with no promise of commitment then he controls his level of vulnerability in that relationship. Some men cheat, in fact, to avoid any real intimacy. Intimacy scares them, so they distance themselves from their wives by cheating on them, and they also never get too emotionally involved with their lovers. This way, they never have to trust, rely on, feel hurt or angered by their partner. This kind of man probably also greatly fears conflict.

Many men strike up an affair when they start to feel the fear and loss that comes with aging. To run from the terror that they are not so young and invulnerable anymore, they have an affair to deny the aging, and all that aging means. They find something or someone “young and new”.

Biologists believe that men are motivated to cheat by the Darwinian instinct to spread their genetic seed to more mates (whereas women would choose one mate to get protection and support); however, the fact that women are slowly catching up to men in their participation in affairs gives this idea less credence and suggests that the differences have had more to do with society’s lack of comfort with women expressing their sexual desires. Psychologically, men who cheat are often the child of an adulterer. They are repeating what they know and looking to correct that feeling that no one ever loved only them.

Not all affairs are created equal. There is the one-night stand, the longer-term lover and the affair that is the method of exit from the marriage. Not all affairs happen because the marriage is bad or in obvious trouble. However, a conflict-ridden marriage will certainly be at greater risk. Many women mistakenly believe the mistress must be more attractive then she. Actually, this is often not the case. It seems to be the wish for newness and variety, as well as the particular man’s psychological needs and vulnerabilities that is more the motivator. While a marriage might not be bad, it can still lack a lot of honesty and active communication. Both of these factors can really be protective against an affair.

Adultery need not be the end of a marriage though it certainly is one heck of a wake up call. If you are contemplating an affair, then there is no question but you will be SORRY! Affairs hurt everyone, including in the end, the one who cheated. You cannot keep both women so you will be distressed at some point. Don’t leave yourself in susceptible situations, like alone or in a situation where alcohol is involved. If you sense your partner may stray, then get moving on protecting your union. Ask him more of what he wants with you, sexually and emotionally, don’t let him hang out with her without you, don’t stay at home angry and pouting and giving him both opportunity and impetus, and tell him what you really love about him.

If the affair has already happened, what can you do?

For the cheater:

1. You must give up your lover. This will not be easy. You will have to grieve the loss of her as well as the loss of the feelings associated with having someone completely attracted to you and the excitement of forbidden sex. You can never restore your marriage and the trust of your spouse without immediately breaking off your affair.
2. Apologize (profusely) for the hurt to your spouse. You have devastated her, ruined her trust and made her feel like she is nothing. Acknowledge her feelings and how sorry you are you did this.
3. Figure out why you slipped. Is it old childhood hurts, fear of growing old, loss of communication with her? Work to understand how you ended up here in the first place so you can prevent it from happening again.
4. Work to regain the trust. Now is the time for honesty, complete honesty! Be open, be true and give it a lot of time. Slowly you can make it back.

For the betrayed:

1. You won’t forget, but decide to forgive. When you are wounded by betrayal it does stick with you. However, to save the marriage you must work toward forgiving him. After the apologies, understanding what happened and what needs to change you have to try to forgive him the betrayal and move forward.
2. Get support from family or friends. It’s a bad time and the person you would usually turn to is the person who hurt you. So recruit siblings, parents and friends to be your shoulder.
3. Tell him you love him. Don’t let him just go off with her but tell him he has to give her up, or there will be no you. Then let him know that you really do love him despite your anger and hurt, and that you will try to make it work.
4. Don’t punish him forever. You want to spend a lifetime with him but it can’t be a lifetime of anger and guilt. At some point you must stop asking the details and telling him what a horrible jerk he was or it will poison any chance at happiness and he will find another lover.