So far as I can tell, their names are Beer, Delusion, Idiocy, and Max.

Some things in my life take too long to explain and I just won’t. Suffice it that I had a second pair of hands available to shovel when the schnee hit the fan over Friday night into Saturday morning, and the second pair of hands had a random cluster of relatives in town, folk who seem to regard public transit as fixed and immutable, like the firmament in the pre-Copernican world view. Do you know that an enterprising guy with an SUV can transport nine people and their luggage to assorted destinations from a shut-down Metro station and get $45 a head for it?

The next day there was Max. I’ll call him Max because the last fleeting contact I had with him was to reroute an issue of Maxim addressed to him. Since he has not got a full beard and I suspect his parents think I am the Evil Divorcee On The Corner, that was awkward enough for me to send it across the street via the postman.

“Look at this born idjit thinks an SUV will go over anything,” I remarked to my engineer friend as we excavated his two-seater roadster. I was not clear at first who was piloting the road boat that was rocking and whirring back and forth in the snowbank next door but after a few abortive tries the door opened and Max emerged, hatless, cute little stud earring glinting in the cold sunlight. I had pity on him and started to shovel in front of his tires, and a good thing because the shovel he had in the car was about right for sandcastles at Rehoboth.

“I had it in a better place,” he said apologetically, “but my dad needed to get his car out yesterday.” This would have been when the snow was still falling like ticker tape at New Year’s.

“Beer run?” I said. Max stared at me a moment, then grinned: “How’d you know?”

“Mind of a frustrated novelist,” I said. “I watch things.” Max’s dad has been making beer runs in the snow for the last fifteen years. Regular pattern: snow falls, Federal government shuts down, roads are empty except for plows, until Max’s dad’s Jeep chugs out over the barely cleared asphalt and returns an hour later with two suitcases of Budweiser.

Today Max was the soul of affability. They have probably been telling him I am a mean uptight old bitch who hates dogs. Except for the uptight part they are more or less right. But this is America and someone who sets your car free gets a pass. Right?

In the final reckoning, it’s even more important than beer.

Too bad that they have not yet invented a way to airbrush the stupid out of celebrity douche bags, because there are a whack of them coming out of the woodwork this week who could benefit from that service.

Today on the Sh*t List – Stephanie Pratt and Tara Reid. I was at odds with myself whether I should even stink up the blog by posting these skeeze-tained photos. But I decided to do it to illustrate a point. These are their most recent magazine spreads for Maxim and Playboy respectively that feed their delusions of being celebrities.

This is Stephanie Pratt in Maxim. Smoking a cigarette and looking like a hooker.

This is Tara Reid in Playboy. Wearing bunny ears and looking like a hooker.

Some days I feel as though the planet has fallen into such self-righteous, delusional disrepair at the hands of the Stephanie Pratts and Tara Reids of the world that I don’t even want to get out of bed. Is this sexy? Because to me this looks like a pair of garden variety whores pimping their sh*t. I swear to God, women like this make it way too easy for men to be pigs. Like seriously. F*CK. This sh*t infuriates me.

Women, lovely, classy women who read The A List – Can we all in unison tell these Biatches to shut the f*ck up and put their clothing back on. Is that too much to ask?

A little self respect goes a long way ladies. We know this. Why don’t they.

Here’s the link.……

Just listed or to be listed very shortly:

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” # 28 – ACEO

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” #29 – ACEO

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” #30 – ACEO

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” #31 – ACEO

Place your bid on eBay

These photos are 5″ x 7″ prints that Kathy (from NY) requested after seeing the photos on my Facebook page.  Add me as a Facebook friend to view other photos from this series that may be available.  These are the same swans that I photographed as fuzzy little cygnets 5 months earlier.  Prints are available as other sizes as well – just send me a request.

1 signed 5×7 print – $10 shipped
2 signed 5×7 prints – $15 shipped
3 signed 5×7 prints – $20 shipped
4 signed 5×7 prints – $25 shipped

Shipping free in the U.S. only.  Inquire about international shipping costs and I’ll get you a quote.  Professionally printed on Fujicolor Crystal Archive Paper, with a white border for easy matting and framing however you’d like. Titled, signed, numbered and dated on the reverse.  This is (currently) an open series.  Allow 3-4 days for both printing and shipping via USPS First-Class Mail.  PayPal, money orders, good publicity accepted.  Watermarks will not appear on the actual prints.

“Black Pond Swans #7″

“Black Pond Swans #8″

“Black Pond Swans #9″

“Black Pond Swans #10″

I’ll try to accommodate any custom requests (B&W versions, prints up to 11×14, etc.)  Just ask.  :-)

I’ve been very sick and unable to keep this blog updated over the past week.  Today I woke up in a pool of sweat, shivering.  Not good.

2009 has been a terrible year for artists…personally, it’s been downright devastating to watch my page views dwindle to less than 1/10th of what they were a little over a year ago, while my work continues to get better and more expensive to produce.  People are more interested in Tiger Woods’ driving abilities than anything else, if I’m to believe what’s on my television.

I’m not quite sure if there’s anything I can do to turn my situation around, especially while the economy is still in shambles.  The uncertainty of the future has caused me so much anxiety and depression, and I’m well aware that broadcasting my self-doubt to the world is NOT a good business strategy. On the other hand, I am inches away from rock bottom and every opportunity somehow ends up with me getting royally shafted because I’m the reclusive artist who gets discovered after they die.  I don’t have much to lose, I’ve got just a tiny shred of hope left, and I’m sincerely asking for your help.

Please, please, please share my art with anyone who might be interested.  If you’re a past client who’s pleased with your purchase…this will uphold the value of your investment.  Have a blog?  Link to my website/auctions and I’ll reciprocate.  On Facebook?  Add me as a friend.  This is also about spreading good karma.  I’ll be giving away free ACEOs and maybe even full-sized painting(s) to anyone who can turn my luck around.

I’m currently listing a lot of reasonably-priced “New Hope” breast paintings – these will make fantastic gifts for those hard-to-buy-for people on your Christmas list.

Here are a few of my current listings:

“New Hope #255″ – breast painting – 12″ x 12″

“New Hope #253″ – breast painting – 12″ x 12″

“New Hope #240″ – breast painting – 16″ x 20″

“New Hope #251″ – breast painting – 12″ x 12″

“New Hope #260″ – breast painting – 10″ x 20″

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” #24 – sleep deprivation ACEO

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” #25 – sleep deprivation ACEO

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” #26 – sleep deprivation ACEO

“A Little Bit of Insomnia” #27 – sleep deprivation ACEO

My eBay listings

TurtleKiss.com

Facebook

Don’t know what else to say.  Fingers crossed.  Thank you.

Esta guapa actriz (no los culpo si no la conocen) que salto a la fama gracias a la porqueria Twilight tomo la mejor decision de su carrera, para dejar de pasar desapercibida realizo una sesion de sexy fotos para la revista Maxim en su edicion de estados unidos, lo unico que salvan esas pics del aburrimiento masivo es poder apreciar la belleza de Ashley llena de photoshop, como sea asistio a un evento de la revista luciendo como toda una slut profesional, recuerden que ella ya habia posado desnuda para una webcam, si, asi de angelicales son las rameras “actrices” de twilight, where’s Kristen??

click en las pics para agrandar

Celebrating herself on december issue of MAXIM magazine, Ashley visited Maxim Launch Party yesterday (24th November)

Well, they had it coming.  Last week, NBC Universal (owned by GE) declared it Green Week on the network, an effort within its larger Green is Universal campaign.  Before this week, I just brushed it off as yet another big company jumping on the bandwagon of using green to market themselves as hip, cool, forward thinking and innovative.  Then they launched Green Week.  And the jokes began.  This is in fact the network’s 3rd year of doing a Green Week where, as one late night talk show host jabbed, “they ask everyone to go green by watching TV!”

Well, there’s more to it than that but aside from the message they are trying to spread, the campaign is riddled with greenwashing and overuse of the term green in general.

On the Green is Universal home page, their backdrop features cute little sayings like

Green lives here

Green connects here

Green shops here

Wait, what?  Green shops here?  What the hell does that mean?

If that isn’t asinine enough, try clicking through their “Make Green Count” section where they suggest – wait for it – turning off your computer to save energy.  Oh, and the lights.  Also, use reusable water bottles!  OMG revolutionary.  You mean if I turn OFF my lights, it will save energy?  WHY HAVE I NEVER BEEN TOLD THIS BEFORE?

Oddly enough, they never suggest turning off the television to save energy.  But then if you did that, you would miss all of the little green messages being broadcast through popular shows like 30 Rock and The Office.  So really the message here?  Watch TV – save the planet!  That seems like an environmental platform even conservatives could rally behind.

Maxim Magazine had the best attempt at broadcasting the ironic hilarity of NBC Universal’s promotion of green.  Enjoy:

The tree is my favorite part.

The lesson here is: If you really aren’t green at all, please don’t vomit the word out of every orifice of your company.  You’re rendering the term completely useless and doing nothing real to help the environment.  And it’s 2009 – you can’t fool us anymore.  We have the Google.

Posted by: Ashley / follow me on Twitter

Can you say OOOWWWWW, everytime Gabrielle Union does a photo shoot it reminds me that I’m sluffin and I need to start working out again. Ms. Union has snagged a spot in the Dec/Jan issues of Maxim Magazine. And i cant even hate she look grate. Its not that easy to take sexy pictures like that and make them look tasteful but this bish makes it look easy.

first spotted @ Sandra Rose

“Insomnia #7″ – 16″ x 20″ –  sleep-deprivation painting

“New Hope #221″ – 14″ x 18″ – breast painting:

These photos were taken at Black Pond during the Leonid Meteor Shower.

Paintings are here.

Mmm.. Miss Union is in the December issue of Maxim Magazine looking so seductive.  Don’t stop here… hit the jump.

I decided to stay up and watch the Leonid Meteor Shower last night.  I only saw 3 meteors (and caught 0 fish,) but I took some photos of the Black Pond swans while I was there – they’re all grown up and the babies are flying now!

These 7 day auctions were all listed last night:

“New Hope #214″ – 18″ x 24″ – breast painting

“Insomnia #4″ – 4″ x 4″ mini sleep-deprivation painting

“Insomnia #5″ – 4″ x 4″ mini sleep-deprivation painting

Start the bidding on eBay.

The December ‘09 issue of MAXIM should hit newsstands on Tuesday – it will have a small interview with me and a photo of one of my “New Hope” breast paintings.  Past/future client are encouraged to buy an issue for documentation purposes – keep it with the Certificate of Authenticity (after you read it, of course.)  Leave me a message if you got here from there – I’d love to know when the issue is out.  If this is your first time here, these links might be of help to you:

current eBay listings
TurtleKiss.com (my website/archives)
my Facebook
YouTube
e-mail me – still taking orders for custom “New Hope breast paintings with delivery in time for Christmas
XBox360 Gamertag: TurtleKiss
PS3 Gamertag: TurtleKiss (Don’t expect me to abandon Modern Warfare 2/360 anytime soon)

These are the 5 ACEOs I listed tonight:

“A Little Bit of Runoff” #11

“A Little Bit of Runoff” #12

“A Little Bit of Gilded Insomnia” #4

“A Little Bit of Gilded Insomnia” #5

“A Little Bit of Gilded Insomnia” #6

O nosso Top 10 do mês de outubro ficou assim (posição/nome):

01 – Aki Hoshino – ほしの あき

02 – Florencia Tesouro – Outubro
03 – Stephanie Ly
04 – Joanna Krupa #2
05 – Juju Panicat – Juliana Salimeni
06 – Tila Tequila Nguyen #2
07 – Reon Kadena – かでなれおん
08 – Renata Fukumura
09 – Grace Park #3
10 – Ursula Mayes

With the upcoming release of director Ti West’s latest horror flick, The House of the Devil, and with all these signs of the upcoming apocalypse, (balloon hoaxes, A-Rod hitting in the post season and David Letterman having sex) we thought it would be a great time to give a few pointers for when Satan actually does take over; so let’s give the devil his due as we come to grips with Beelzebub returning to this plane of existence.

7. Who You Gonna Call?

6. PETS

5. NOISE

4. DÉCOR

3. HOUSEGUESTS

2. PARKING SPOTS

1. OTHER PROBLEMS

The other week we had pictures of Tricia Helfer and Grace Park in Maxim Magazine and today we have some outtakes from that photo shoot that are just Grace Park. I’m sure there are some Tricia Helfer outtakes floating around out there but I think we are all more into Grace Park because we have caught the deadly yellow fever. Yellow Fever is more deadly then Swine Flu for your information but it’s not deadly.

Wallpaper High Quality 900×580

Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve manually (and individually) updated all 470 pages on my site. I ran into a lot of unexpected problems & I had to fix issues that I’ve been delaying/unaware of since February 2008.  That’s when my web host stopped supporting Frontpage & I needed to convert to Dreamweaver wayyyyy faster than I was comfortable with.  TurtleKiss.com isn’t perfect, but considering it’s functional and built on a foundation of questionable online tutorials, it’s decent. I’m thankful I was able to take the time to make the design more consistent and professional in appearance.  Can’t wait to see how long it takes for the code to become a mess again.

I plan to transfer & organize all of the photos from my old computers (five hard drives!!!!) to one external drive.  I’ve set up my 4-computer network and reconfigured my firewall & router to play nice with the new computer.  I’ve got all computers sharing files with each other, as well as the with the printer, Xbox360 and the PS3.  Even the Nintendo DS is picking up the Wi-Fi signal again.  I had forgotten how nice it is when things run smoothly (it’s been a while.)  I’m not a fan of Vista, but I’ll be upgrading to Windows 7 as soon as Dell decides to send to me.  I had the same exact situation with Windows Millenium before XP was released.

My break from eBay was fantastic – I did NOT miss the tedium of listing auctions!  However, I have many (30+) full-sized paintings to list before the Christmas shopping frenzy begins.

Just a reminder: My breast art will be featured in the December 2009 issue of MAXIM magazine, available November 17.  Please don’t hesitate to reserve your session for a commissioned “New Hope” breast painting.  These are great personalized gifts for investors, collectors of original art, creative individuals, and the person who has everything.  Requests will be scheduled on a first-come, first served basis.

The “UGH” section starts here.

You will no longer be seeing “similar items” from other sellers in any of my listings.  These “similar items” too often lead directly to the auctions of scumbag parasites. I am DONE helping plagiarists market their unoriginal, copycat GARBAGE.  I was recently told I “might enjoy” a gilded breast painting from another seller today!  Are people seriously incapable of thinking for themselves? I haven’t even listed a single piece from my “Gilded Hope” series yet ( or “Gilded Insomnia,” “Gilded Entropy,” & their respective ACEO crossover equivalents.)  Stealing ideas from an honest person must be a “unique” and “unorthodox” feeling.

I was not surprised by this revelation:

The last bit of this post’s title refers to that “artist” who’s been profiting off my ideas in a seemingly symbiotic, amicable, & harmless manner for quite some time.  I’ll save the screen captures, fun webcrawler tags, and details for another entry, but if you can figure out who I’m referring to (it’s not too hard)…view her feedback & see if you can spot a very suspicious ending price (on a painting that’s gone unsold since February.)  The painting in question allegedly sold for about 60 times the seller’s average selling price.  Yes, sixty.  That exact same painting (identical photo/title) is currently listed as “unsold” on a 3rd-party gallery site linked directly from another of the seller’s sites.  The Buy-it-Now price there is about 1/10th of the fake final “sale price” on eBay.

Did I mention that this painting more than DOUBLED in SIZE since it was originally listed on eBay and the other site?  That would certainly account for the increase in price – I wish I knew where to get these magical expanding canvases – even the depth increases!  Note to seller – you forgot to change the size in eBay’s Item Specifics from “medium” to “large.”  Also, it’s painfully obvious (visually) that this painting was done in the smaller (pre-magic spell) dimensions.  Keep that day job.

For those of you who haven’t seen this a million times like I have: This is called shill bidding.  The seller is trying to artificially increase the perceived value of her worthless junk by having a friend bid an unrealistic amount on it. She can then just give the painting away as a gift or something.  She and the “winning bidder” both pretend it was an in-person cash transaction, they leave each other positive feedback, and hope no one like me notices how damn shady the whole situation is.  In return, the seller gets undeserved Powerseller status, discounts for being a fraudulent “Top Seller” and an ego trip associated with deception of unsuspecting buyers who believe her lies.  Can you tell I’m a little miffed?  I worked my way up from the bottom, and it took a long time because I didn’t take dishonest shortcuts.  Shill bidding is unethical to honest sellers, it’s against eBay’s Terms of Service, it’s illegal in some places, and it’s just plain greedy to think anyone would pay that much for a painting by someone who charges for COAs and only profits from the loosely modified ideas of other artists and outright theft of Trademarked logos and images. I’ve already filed a report, but I also plan on following through with eBay Powerseller support because I’ve got way more time-stamped/dated evidence than their little form allows.  This could not be more obvious, clear-cut shill bidding, and I will make sure eBay gets all of the pertinent info.

I gave her the benefit of the doubt & I’ve been letting her subtle rip-off  ”pity art” slide for a long time.  That’s coming to an abrupt end, and I’m fully prepared to support my statements with facts.  I’m used to being a victim…and unfortunately I’ve gotten good at handling it in ways that are both professional and fair.  People like this don’t go away, they don’t get punished, and they never stop coming out of the woodwork.  Why do you think I’ve got 5 hard drives worth of screen captures and documentation of my ORIGINAL ideas?  Yes – partially due to insanity, but there’s a little common sense & self-protection thrown in.  I’m also dealing with a ridiculous amount of non-paying bidders lately.  I think that someone is trying to make me look suspicious by having random people open eBay accounts, bid on ONE of my pieces and nothing else, then win the auction and NOT PAY.  I report all NPB’s to eBay and now need to actively cancel bids from ZERO feedback bidders who don’t contact me prior to bidding. Legitimate bidders – thank you for your support & understanding.  I’m prepared to defend myself & confront anyone who thinks they can manufacture success out of thin air and lies.  I have no cushy job to fall back on – I’ve been a full-time Internet-based artist since 2003 and making ends meet has been ROUGH enough without these pesky little wannabes mirroring every little move I make.   Will someone please tell me what I did to deserve this?  Is there a sign on my back that says “Steal My Ideas & Betray Me While Discrediting Yourself in the Process?”  I’m annoyed, not flattered.

On a brighter note:

My husband and I celebrated our 1 year wedding anniversary earlier this week.  I’m so fortunate to have snagged myself such an honest and hardworking studmuffin!

I love you NES – my density! <3

I donated 3 paintings to some great fundraisers this month:

Medicalodges Bike Show – breast cancer awareness (Eudora, Kansas)
CT Children’s Medical Center Storybook Gala (Hartford, CT)
HRC Annual Dinner, Gala & Silent Auction (San Antonio, TX)

So, that’s what I’ve been up to – sorry it hasn’t been too exciting.  My next post will have photos!  This was just meant to be a quick recap.  Here’s my currently available artwork:

Sorry, no magical expanding canvases here.

]]> http://prvegas.wordpress.com/2009/10/20/fetish-fantasy-halloween-ball-sat-oct-31/ Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:28:32 +0000 PRVegas.com http://prvegas.wordpress.com/2009/10/20/fetish-fantasy-halloween-ball-sat-oct-31/

Fetish & Fantasy Halloween Ball

Fetish & Fantasy Halloween Ball 2009 Saturday October 31st 10pm to 4am  BUY TICKETS
The Joint – Hard Rock Hotel – Las Vegas, NV

Named as “One of the Top 10 events in the World” by the Travel Channel, “One of the Earths Best Bashes” by Stuff Magazine, “One of Five Events to attend before you die” by Maxim Magazine, and “The Worlds Wildest Halloween Party” by Bizarre Magazine. The Las Vegas Weekly calls the Fetish & Fantasy Halloween Ball “

The most Adult of the Adult Halloween Events in Vegas”. A must attend event!

Ok so this is technically a no-brainer since Raveena is showing a bit more than people need to see, while Amrita actually looks classy for a change. Raveena’s shoes are also atrocious and to top it off, she wore a bracelet over the long sleeves! Eeks! As for Amrita, for once, no tacky square-toed sandals and even the hair looks healthy (or what we see of it). For the guys, here’s also a picture of Amrita’s cover for Maxim India.

Image Source