Yes, the Aurora shooting happened. We live in corrupt world. Even though there are Christians in it. This world isn’t perfect. We have the choice to make this world better. Affect it in some way. Some people’s choices are tragic. But on that day heroes rose up and showed true love in the midst of all that happened. Three boyfriends sacrificed their life for their girlfriends, there were to stories on Yahoo! of two men who decided to forgive the shooter completely even though the article and people thought he had every right to want him to suffer. And there was the girl who miraculously survived a shot to the head because a kind of hole-like channel already in her brain no one knew about. The bullet went through exactly this point in her causing it to miss damaging her brain. These are evidence of the love of God. This is what we wish to spread. In this world, God wants us to spread love. To do good onto them and forgive them and be intimate with the one who wishes to commit to us. And because we are human he gives us this standard of beauty because it’s easy to get caught up in what the world wants. And because were are human, he chose to sacrifice himself and take the blame for all that happens in this world. He now is able to forgive the wrongdoings we commit so that He may live in us and allow us to walk this Earth spread the love he wishes for this world. He takes away our fear and reminds us of what he wants for us and everyone else. Remember these things in the face of corruption. This is the Gospel.

Something along these lines. Thank you God.

Why would you go back?

We don’t see beyond our limitations. Moses was slow to speak and didn’t think he could speak to the people. But God made it possible for him to speak. Because did he not make our mouths? Also we confuse our characteristics for limitations. God said He made some blind and some deaf. But are these limitations for ways for people to realize what they are capable of?

God was angered by Moses’ inability to believe in himself to do God’s mission. He was angered because he didn’t believe even after God showed him He would be right there.

I started reading on. Going back to each chapter and making an entry started becoming distracting and unhelpful.

So the plagues happened. And what was interesting was how the pharaoh hardened his heart every time the plagued was over. It made me relate to the pharaoh because there are time when I feel like I do things and feel all right with God. When I feel right with God then I leave God. That’s not a good relationship It is like using Him as a crutch and that’s not what it’s all about. And it’s crazy that even after the magician told him the 10 or so plagues were the hand of God, he still wasn’t afraid. Though it does say that God hardened his heart sometimes. I was confused as to why but tonight I went to my friend’s youth group and found the answer which I will answer when I make an entry about tonight.

Then I kept reading and wondered why Christians don’t do anything for Passover. Like have a meal. I will probably ask someone. Maybe it’s because we may or may not be the descendents of the Jewish people. But still. God did something amazing. It wasn’t a happy day but a day when God”s power was revealed. It’s crazy how the first born Jewish male babies were killed and then the Egyptian first borns were killed. Then God wanted male Jewish babies to be kind of given to Him. And so (I think) the beginning of circumcision.

And after all of that, the people still say (out of fear of the unknown I would say) “Did you take us out of Egypt just so we could die out here? We were better back there!” Seriously? I would be fearful of what was to come but after all that, I feel like I would trust God enough to keep going. That was really all they had left: trust in God. But why would you go back?

Our desires were given to us by God to be used for God, but Satan tries to encourage us in the belief that our desires are our god. Rather than let God develop worship in us at the root of our desires, we can be convinced that our desires, themselves, are worthy of worship. They do not need to be submitted to anything else; what they say goes.

Not surprisingly, this creates profound friction in our relationship with God. We cannot serve Him and our desires at the same time. We have to choose one and leave the other behind. Accordingly, when God appoints a good for us that is not consistent with our present desires, we have a decision to make. We can either set ourselves to agree with Him, because we believe He is right in all He does, or we rebel against Him because we acknowledge that our desires are the only relevant dictators of “truth” we will recognize.

Our complaints about our lives and what God is doing with us are expressions of discontent that will lead us, quite predictably, toward full-blown rebellion against the God. Pouring ourselves into rejecting God does not leave much room in our hearts for receiving His care in whatever form He determines it should take. When we are trusting our desires and finding fault with God for actions (and in-actions) that we don’t understand, we are on shaky ground. It may be familiar ground, but this does not make it any less dangerous.

The foundation God longs to secure us to is so much better than this. He would have us rest upon the weighty desires of His own unchanging heart. He would have us know in full the very deepest knowledge our hearts can hold: God’s sovereignty rules our lives because our lives were first conceived in His sovereignty. No one knows us like He does; no one cares about us like He does. What He does needs not amendment, only to amend the ones He acts upon. When Christ focuses us upon Himself, we are enabled to rejoice in the functioning of plans that don’t exalt us while they bestow love upon us.

• My motivation
• My passion
• My desires
• My determination
• My perseverance
• My procrastination
• My confidence
• My plans and dreams
• My strength
• My optimism and pessimism
• My worth
• My growth
• My attitude
• My compassion
• My life and my love

I’m not sure what exactly is going on or how to describe it. Well recently it has been described as starving myself. I honestly have been spiritually starving myself in every way you can starve yourself. In prayer, in reading the Bible, in my love, my focus and perspective. As a result, I’ve been feeling terrible. Like what’s the point of anything. I’ve been encouraged about the next couple years of college but not how I’m going to do it.

I’ve been craving superiority. To be talented and my name to be known. In turn, I am critical of myself. I am ok with the things and habits I’ve always dislike. I used to pulled my hair because I couldn’t get away from them. I’ve been relying on my own standards.

Here is where things get twisted. Then I think, am I a Christian because I am just fearful and need something to cling on to? How horrible is that if that’s my reason for my walk. And then my so-called faults crawl in.

But I realized that my idleness to run back to God is caused my fear. Fear of what I might have to do as a Christian. So either way I was fearful.

You might ask me “do you actually believe in what you say you believe?” (because I’m sure not acting like it) and I’ll say yes that will never change. As much as I’m struggling. It’s my trust in God that needs to be stronger.

We all need Him. Right now I need Him more than ever and I’ve been realizing it more and more. And more and more I see the lies I’ve bought and how useless things are in this world. Might as well walk the walk the Almighty wants you to walk. Because He loves you. I want this to stay in my heart.

Seriously this has been really bad. One night a couple weeks ago, I was up late and I felt this hopelessness. Truly I felt hopeless. I was so scared. It seemed there was no hope for me, for everybody and for this world. I felt so anxious and looked around at the darkness of my room. It sounds really dramatic but it was just nothing but fear. I pulled my blanket tighter, cried and pleaded with God. I felt so small. My worries came crashing down or something.

“Dan terjadilah, apabila Musa mengangkat tangannya, lebih kuatlah Israel, tetapi apabila ia menurunkan tangannya, lebih kuatlah Amalek.” – Keluaran 17:11

Pemimpin, di organisasi manapun, memiliki peran strategis yang menuntutnya lebih dari pada yang dipimpinnya. Seorang pemimpin adalah orang yang selalu membangkitkan harapan orang-orang yang dipimpinnya. Dia harus mampu mengarahkan pengikutnya untuk semakin mendekati visi yang disepakati bersama.

Namun, pemimpin tetaplah manusia yang memiliki kelemahan dan keterbatasan. Ketika organisasi yang dipimpinnya menjadi semakin maju dan berkembang, sesungguhnya beban yang diemban pemimpin juga bertambah berat. Cobaan untuk tinggi hati dan berpuas diri pun mengintai para pemimpin ini.

Musa, yang Tuhan pilih untuk membebaskan orang Israel dari penjajahan Mesir, pun mengalami hal serupa. Visi Ilahi yang didapatnya membawanya untuk hanya mengandalkan Tuhan, tidak mengandalkan kekuatannya sendiri. Seringkali kita lebih mengandalkan manusia daripada Tuhan, padahal tanpa penyertaan-Nya rancangan kita hampir pasti kegagalannya!

Saat saya merenungkan kutipan singkat di atas, saya belajar bahwa setiap pemimpin (termasuk diri kita sendiri) perlu mengangkat tangan yang berarti tidak mengandalkan diri sendiri, namun meminta pertolongan Tuhan. Bukan berarti kita diam dan menjadi malas, namun kita mengerti bahwa keberhasilan kita adalah karena pertolongan Tuhan. Kita turun tangan, Tuhan angkat tangan. Kita angkat tangan, Tuhan akan turun tangan!

http://cuddledbydaddy.blogspot.com/2012/05/steady-steps-towards-you_28.html

The thing is, these people don’t just play the piano, they perform it, emotion is poured into music, they fill their songs with shadows and highlights, highs and lows. They don’t play pieces they paint masterpieces with sound. It’s not what they play, it’s the way they play it that makes it special and unique.

This, I think, is kind of like life,we can ‘play’ life, playing one ‘life-step’ after another until the end of our song. This is easy and takes little effort on our part, playing the generic notes that most seem to read off the musical composition of the world. We may even stick some of our own notes in their and play it slightly different, and this can sound good, it can sound fine, we can even think it sounds kinda great. But it’s not the masterpiece, it won’t have shadows and highlights and emotions and the colour of the life that you could play.

“What no eye has seen,
what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived
the things God has prepared for those who love him”

1 Corinthians 2:9

God puts emotion and shadows and light, twists and turns, into life. His plan for us is the masterpiece, even if it seems to us, at first, that the gifts or the jobs he gives us are common or the same as everyone else, because it’s not what you play, it’s the way you play it that turns its from common into something unique.

So it’s something I guess I wanted to share: God has a masterpiece planned for you, whoever you are!

Ludovico Einaudi’s I due fiumi: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x9r9O0vW-mM

——————————————————————————————————————————————–

The garden is silent, the trees bustle slightly in the breeze, men lie in under the leaves, exhausted from listening to teaching beyond their understanding and prophecies too painful to contemplate. Close by, just out of their hearing, their leader kneels face down on the ground, terrified he prays to his Father    

‘…Abba…’

the words choke out from his mouth, he is overwhelmed by the task in front of him, the thought of almost unbearable pain, the hours of suffering, the ultimate sacrifice he shall pay, sweat drips bloody from his forehead.

‘…if you are willing, take this cup from me…’ 

‘…not my will, but yours be done…’

——————————————————————————————————–

A debt so huge, that the only way to repay it, was for a blameless man to be cruelly killed on a cross, not just any man, but a divine Christ Jesus, whose entire life was leading up to this moment. He knew exactly what the price would be, and he paid it, even when he was terrified, not because he was brave or plain stupid, but because He so loved the world that God’s son, the only living human being who had never betrayed God, who had always loved him and had always obeyed him, the perfect lamb, had to put all our sin on his shoulders so that we could know him and live eternally with him.

Why would he do this, why would he sacrifice something perfect just so that God could ‘be able to tolerate’ our sin, it’s like finding the most beautiful painting that could ever be painted, and painting over it with a disgusting mouldy green-brown. It’s ridiculous! it sounds either mental or stupid…unless ‘God so loved us’ unless God loved us more than he loved anything else in the world, enough to sacrifice shining beauty for us.

I know I didn’t really directly talk about the crucifixion here, but this is what today is about, it’s what our faith is based on as Christians, the love of Jesus to bear the weight of a crown of thorns, countless whip lashes, a cross, nails in his hands and feet, and our sins, which brought about the only mental separation of Jesus from God in the history of…forever. Never was so much sacrificed by one man to save so many from such a horrific fate as was in this day 2000 years ago. Thank you lord for your amazing love for me, that you sacrificed yourself for me even though I so little deserve it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNhp9z0njNY&feature=related

I’ve read.

I’ve heard.

I’ve learned.

That it’s NOT about me. 

It’s not about my world.

It’s all about GOD.

His truth. His promises.

His Kingdom. His Glory.

Once I got so tired

Of everything.

I asked God

‘Why are You so selfish?

Why should all things 

Be all about You?’

I felt I was robbed.

Of my dreams, of my views

Of my happiness, of my self.

Today I came upon

An old and plain news

Where I found the same

But heart tugging truth.

Yes, it’s all about Him.

Because No Other God

Is everlasting

And ever-knowing.

No Other God

Can and Will

Ever save this way.

No Other God 

Will enter

The scorching furnace

Because of a fleeting man.

No Other God

Can love this way

And I can find

No other faith

No other joy

No other hope

No other love

Apart from Him who knew

And loved me

From before I was conceived

Until generations after me.

I can never fathom

The comfort, the passion

The dream, the satisfaction

That God has in store for me.

If only I, too,

Have No Other 

Than Him

And Him Alone.

***

“ When you pass through the waters, 
   I will be with you; 
and when you pass through the rivers, 
   they will not sweep over you. 
When you walk through the fire, 
   you will not be burned; 
   the flames will not set you ablaze.”

-Isaiah 43:2, NIV

<Photo credit as labeled, from http://ivehadanepiphany.blogspot.com>

Has it ever caused you anxiety somehow?

Have you ever felt that every time you were around people you felt pressure to be something other than yourself?

Do you also suddenly see things about yourself you want to change?

Does it make you wonder how to live in this world?

Me too.

Have you realized that when Christians talk about the afterlife, they truly believe after this life they will be with the God of the universe in a place called Heaven?

Have you ever tried to imagine that happening?

It’s terrifying but beautiful.

It makes you realize what’s important is a phrase we have overused and underused:

Jesus loves you.

Tidakkah Allah sendiri telah meneladankan pengorbanan ini? Kita telah melihatnya dalam karya terbesar sejarah umat manusia : kematian dan kebangkitan Yesus Kristus. Dia adalah Anak Domba Allah yang telah menggantikan manusia yang berdosa melalui kematianNya di kayu salib padahal kesalahan kitalah yang dipikul-Nya. Syukur, Dia bangkit untuk memberikan pengharapan bagi setiap kita yang dikasihi-Nya.

Banyak alasan untuk berkorban, apalagi untuk kepentingan diri sendiri. Namun, alasan terbaik dan terbesar bagi pengorbanan adalah kasih. Kasih selalu memberi dan tidak egois. Memang, kita dapat berkorban sekalipun tidak memiliki kasih. Namun kita tidak dapat mengasihi tanpa berkorban. Mari mengasihi, bukan sekedar berkorban!

Itataya ko ang lahat

Makita ka lamang muli

Makaulayaw nang hindi pilit

Makasama nang maluwat.

Itataya ko ang lahat

Maramdaman ko lamang

Ang himbing ng payapang tulog

Ang  buhos ng ligaya

Ang himig ng umaasang puso.

Itataya ko ang lahat

Maibalik lamang

Ang larawan ng Iyong palad

Na nakaguhit sa aking mukha

Ang sidhi ng Iyong pag-ibig

Na nakaukit sa aking labi.

Dalisay na ngiti

Itataya ko ang lahat

Makita ka lamang muli

Sa salamin kong puno ng lamat

Ng masalimuot na nakaraan.

Sa ilalim ng makapal na ulap

Sa sinag ng walang kapantay na biyaya

Muli akong aasa

Muli akong sasandig

Muli kong itataya

Para sa Iyo

Ang lahat-lahat.

I’ve been like this for the past seven years. I realize how blessed and protected I am to be in a very safe state despite my stubborn heart and twisted mind. I’m definitely living under the roof of this God that I keep running to and away from.

I understand that this is what Grace is. I’ve been living by it since the day I was born. Now my desire is to live in and through it. This day I want to see His Grace more preciously than before. I want to embrace it with love, righteousness, peace and joy. I want to wear it like my favorite shirt.

And I want to share it like how I received it from Him who loved me…

…unconditionally.

^^

• Eyes must be opened
• hearts must be broken
• Lives must be committed

Nehemiah 2: 9-3 and 32

When God reveals things to us, lets not be hasty through excitement, but ponder them in our hearts until the time comes to tell and it has flourished properly

Not doing things through excitement but commission (having prepared)

Preparing your hearts and mind before rising people up

We are the high priesthood that rises in the Name of God to solve every problem

Exodus 31: 1-5

Every work we do is just as spiritual as prayer because it comes from God

You are doing some of the work that others will continue doing. You do your part and not to have your name in lights but so that the kingdom of God can shine through

Stop saying you can’t do it or you’re not qualified because there is nothing too big/small or under/over you

Your part matters! When we step out to do something, all of it has to be quieter than God’s voice

Take away our desire to see each other fall and instead hoping to see each other thrive

3 Context in which we operate in our house (stewardship)

1. In our own household
2. In our neighborhood (Can I help their relationship/business)
3. Our church family

Part of my recent pampering routine after a day’s hard work is riding a taxi going home. Last night, I rode another one with plans of dozing off a little since I knew that the long line of trucks via the narrow road to San Joaquin, Pasig will cost me some more minutes of my “precious” sleeping time. But then a phrase I heard from the taxi’s radio kept me wide awake (aside from the side cursing of the taxi driver who had no idea how heavy traffic is at San Joaquin between nine to eleven o’clock in the evening):

“Approximately 700 bodies being recovered…”

“700 bodies….”

My heart raced as I repeated the words…

Not ten, not fifty, not one hundred. It’s seven hundred bodies.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I thought the typhoon that hit Cagayan de Oro (CDO) and Iligan cities was one of those common typhoons that usually hit the Philippines. What Ate Lea, a colleague from British Council whose hometown is in CDO, has been describing was not the same picture that registered in my head. It was only through that radio announcer mentioning the numbers last night that I understood the extent of what Typhoon Sendong did to our fellow Filipinos in Mindanao this past weekend.

As a Filipino Christmas song played in between the news reports, I thought about how Filipinos (as well as foreigners) across the country (and the globe) would respond to such a calamity at a supposedly merry season like this. Politicians, scientists, NGO’s, CEOs, marketing officers, government workers, journalists, church workers, teachers, doctors, artists, students and even housewives would respond to a crisis like this.

I’m not a politician, an NGO worker, a teacher, a journalist, a doctor, an artist and most especially, NOT YET a housewife (though I dreamt of becoming one if not two or three of all these categories). But one thing bugged me all the way home: HOW CAN I HELP?

I’m only one. An office worker paying her debts off and who don’t have much money to spare. I’ve been wondering whether my money would really reach the flood victims. I have clothes and canned goods to share, but I’m not also sure if that’s the best thing to donate or if it will really count since there are also hundreds, if not thousands of hands starting to send the same thing.

But then I don’t want to end up saying, “The images of Sendong’s aftermath are horrible. Kawawa naman sila. Let us pray for them.” To me, that sounds like crap. Yes, I value prayer, but I also believe that faith without action is dead. People update each other by retelling the news and end their conversation with “KAWAWA NAMAN SILA, MAGPAPASKO PA NAMAN.” And then they stop there. I don’t know why I feel so angry and why at this very moment I want to exclaim (and for the first time divert from my ‘soft writing’ as my General Manager would describe my written works): ‘THAT’S BULLSHIT!’

Left and right, people will still go on and get themselves busy with wrapping gifts and preparing for Christmas parties. Office workers (ME included!) will still cram for end of the year reports. Bosses will stick with their listssssss of plans for the next year. Kitchen buffs will still be preoccupied with Noche Buena and Media Noche. TV, radio and online reports will continually pop. People will glance. Many would comment. Some would act. While MANY WILL IGNORE.

I also don’t understand why I feel so much pain about this. I’m not playing a part of a heroine here nor trying to say “I can do better than you guys”. I’m just saying what I truly feel. And in the midst of this self-discussion, I came to my senses. I guess I’ve found a new sense of purpose at my workplace because of Sendong.

For the past several months, I’ve lost the passion I first showed my Director when I applied for the position of his executive assistant in a foreign cultural center. I’ve been wanting to crush all the worries and pains I’m encountering daily in my workplace so as to resurrect that passion. I’ve been wanting to bring back that extra early body clock, making my feet jump out of the bed, automatically looking forward to another day’s work. But I’ve lost the strength. I’ve lost the motivation. After seeing the ‘darker’ side of the culture I once adored, I’ve lost the urge to work for more cultural promotion, or rather, cultural imperialism. I’m learning a lot in my workplace, but still at the end of the day, I feel useless. I always feel inadequate. I knew I cannot meet the standards of my bosses no matter how hard I try. No matter how I count my accomplishments, I have to bear the dissatisfied look at the many pending and sometimes failed tasks. Even if I end up collapsing in front of my bosses due to work stress and fatigue, I can only guess what they will utter: “It’s her fault,” or maybe “That’s not even close to what I’m trying to overcome and endure everyday,” and worst, “Is this what Filipino educated workers can only amount to?”

Many would tell me, “But you’re still lucky to be in your post. There are hundreds of thousands who would dream of your job and of your salary.” That’s true, but I just know that my driving force at work is not really the amount I receive nor the respectful sound of “Ma’am”. It’s the sense of purpose I have at work. A sense of purpose to my being a woman, being an educated one, being a follower of Christ and being a Filipino.

Being a Filipino. I’m slowly losing this in a foreign environment. Almost everyday I ask myself, “so how am I contributing to my nation?” Oh, with my job, I’m helping make countless screaming Filipino Kpop and Kdrama fans happy! I’m also serving a nation whose government and corporations are sending financial aid to my countrymen. Yeah, right, somehow I’m helping this country that is helping my country in return. And yeah, right, after scribbling this sentence, I’m letting out a deep sigh.

I know I’m not the same old ‘bright and happy Wennah’ that I used to be. I’m not the same Christian I knew I’ve been. I’ve become very grumpy and lonely. My heart has been losing all its warmth. I feel like being pulled by a quicksand. I wanted to run away yet my feet won’t. I realized I have to stay for awhile and keep my life rolling.

So where does the Sendong Message come in?

At the very core of it. With all the paper works, meetings, inventories, plannings and pending tasks that my To-Do-List has been reminding me every single day, I have resolved to remain a FILIPINO and a CHRISTIAN at work. I know I’ve almost lost these identities in this work environment, but in this season of giving at a time of calamity, I will do what I can do. Be it texting people in my workplace and asking them if they wish to join me as I donate what I can gather in my own house;  or be it mobilizing the Korean Drama Society to donate in the name of their idols or their Kdrama groups. Whatever I can do in my capacity, I will do. Be it letting go of selfish desires and saving the money for something more worthwhile to realize a practical contribution to the victims of this typhoon. Be it sacrificing a portion of my slumber hours to further coordinate with the plans…

Anything, as long as I will NOT stop with muttering “Kawawa naman sila” or tweeting “Let us pray for them.”

I will see to it that this resurrecting passion for a purpose will see a gleam of hope within me as the year draws to a close and meets another First Sunrise.

Sendong is calling me to be a Filipino Christian once more. Let the sincerity flow and the passion grow, day by day, until I find myself smiling involuntarily again like I used to– ten years ago.