I saw an angel in the marble and I carved until I set him free.

This is one of two quotes I really want inked on me. It’s how I see creating. I see big huge walls and I know there’s something in there. I can hear it clearly at times, and very very faintly at others. It’s in there and it wants me to find it.

I rarely get it right the first time because I’m so anxious to find it. I do but then I realize it’s not exactly what it should be so I edit until I find my angel, until I get to where he is crouched down, wings folded. I don’t stop until he stands and spreads his wings.

I love that phrase. I love that Michelangelo said it. I also love the tinge of madness that is woven in through it because that is very much alive when seeking your angel.

Funny, I always thought of this quote with creating. Then I met a human it applied to. That was weird. And really powerful. A little scary. I never want that to happen again.

My angels have been very, very quiet for about two years. I thought they’d gone. It was/is devastating to me. Soul crushing. But the other night I had a thought fly through my head and right after it heard that rustle, that attempt at stretching, seeking, calling out.

At midnight that night/new day, I checked my horoscope because I take psychotic joy in how wrong they are now and this is what it said:

I laughed out loud.

I’m buying this bracelet if I have to sell a kidney.

I’ve got an angel wanting out and I’ll carve until I set him free.

What made me do it? The answer is simple. I’ve read a lot of blogs. Some of these are by my favourite authors, some by people I know, and some by people who are just damn funny. I like most of them. I even wish I was some of these guys (Pat Rothfuss *cough cough*).

So I guess I was inspired by their examples. It’s cool. At lot of people were inspired by others at some point. Robert Jordan was inspired by J.R.R. Tolkien. Sebastien Vettel was inspired by Michael Schumacher. The Crusades were inspired by God.

Ignore the last one, that’s a bad example. The Crusades aren’t people, you see.

Moving on from that, I wanted to write a blog mainly because here I can write what I want, when I want. I’ve also been told to do it for other reasons. It’s supposed to help me on my Year Abroad; it’s somewhere I can write the cool, and even the not-so-cool, moments of my life; it’s also somewhere where I can just be me.

So in the end, this blog will be written by me, about me and commented by me.

I have the feeling I’ve become a narcissist overnight.

For now though folks, goodbye!

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

*lyric credit: Alanis Morissette*

I am one who struggles with unpleasant thoughts sometimes.  I guess everyone does, but I tend to think that not everyone does quite as often as I do.  I think I’ve made some progress in realizing that I do it and that I don’t have to do it, but I haven’t ever been able to stop doing it on a regular basis.  Sometimes awful images from a news story will replay in my head from different perspectives; how did the perpetrators feel?  The relatives of the victims?  And the one that always seems to come up of late: how did the person who was about to be hurt feel?  Did they have some premonition of a bad thing coming?  Is that what I’m doing right now, in trying to understand everything about something awful?  Sometimes it’s even less specific, just a general paranoia.  The ‘what ifs’, you might say.  I’ve been noticing how I do this and trying to work on it a little and also been a little unfulfilled at work and with how much of my life work is taking up – it led me to start wondering about how people who watched me grow up would feel about me at this point of my life – would they be proud of me?

In some respects I think so – I’ve managed to do a lot that’s positive, particularly on the personal life front.  I have made a great little family, and we have hung on through some pretty rough points.  I think I could do a lot better on the grand projects of my life though, and continuing to learn the way I thought I would as a teen.  I guess that I’m always learning, but I think I had an image of myself with a lot more practical knowledge of other languages and cultures by now, and I wonder if others shared that image.  Instead I feel that much of the knowledge I worked so hard to gain in those fields has stagnated or regressed from lack of use.  Being the kind of person I am, I hoped to do a lot of work that would be more of a contribution to society than my current occupation, cooking at a fancy hotel.  I know that my future will hold more meaningful work, but I wonder at this point in time how it would seem to them?  It doesn’t help to get to work every day and see inspirational sayings such as ‘Live the life you dreamed’ and know that I’m deferring dreams to pay bills….

Would the people in your past be proud of you now?  Are you proud of yourself?

my morning view

Alarm is needed.
So I will not miss any episodes.
The reruns is downloadable.
But I’d love to watch it right on the schedule

YAY. My preface is done.
What I have to do next is rewrite the methodology and the results.
My team are going to meet the professor next monday.
I hope I can write like he wants.

Another long walk with some fellows.
It would be nice if the road is not that crowded

“When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
So she ran away in her sleep
Dreamed of para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Para- para- paradise
Every time she closed her eyes
Whoa-oh-oh oh-oooh oh-oh-oh

When she was just a girl
She expected the world
But it flew away from her reach
And the bullets catch in her teeth

Life goes on
It gets so heavy
The wheel breaks the butterfly
Every tear, a waterfall
In the night, the stormy night
She closed her eyes
In the night, the stormy night
Away she’d fly.”

Lyric Credit: Coldplay

I love my girl Fridae, number one. She’s rad as anything, so you should go follow her blog and fb and everything anyway.  Also, she has been a longtime N-Awes/Royal Society/DOLLS supporter (she was among the first to cover DOLLS way back in 2010) so £ove her £ongtime, for reals.  That whole thing about jacking a ballroom actually happened at the Fairmont Royal York in Toronto during the media registry (or something) for Canadian Music Week way back when DOLLS was still in pampers and whatever.  We couldn’t find anywhere to record the interview and I was fading and losing my voice, so operation “THIS ROOM IS NOW MINE” happened.

When she recently asked me to Q & A and sent me some questions, I was a bit like ‘hmmm, I haven’t done an interview for anything Toronto-related in a really long time, so this could be a really interesting way to burn all the bridges, ever, while talking about the new project so YES I AM IN.’  Hitting 45 birds with one stone, I thought it would be thrilling and exciting (spoiler alert: it was) to recount the tale of woe that was my experience with Warners.  I know I sound like a bitch (always) but the truth of the matter is Warner and I just weren’t right for each other, kids.  And sometimes even though labels and artists love each other very much, their day-to-day interactions are making them unhappy, so the artist fucks off to another country to run out her sell-off period and the label continues to not acknowledge she exists (unless of course she suddenly became more profitable, in which case WE OWN THE RIGHTS TO THAT).

Blah blah, here’s the Q & A, get your poison pens poised between your lips, I can’t hear you from over here in obscurity ANYWAY. Via FRIDAE TV

Q&A WITH DOLLS

By: Fridae Mattas

Amidst the whirlwind of press for her new album “Secret Sulk”, Nikki of Dolls (You may know her as Nikki Awesome.) had a few minutes to catch up and share some of her life.

Fridae: Hello, Hello! It has been awhile since we hijacked a ballroom, how are you?

DOLLS – Nikki: OMG I almost forgot about ballroom-hijacking. I mean, nowadays they just give themselves up. It’s been a while!

Fridae: What has been going on in Awesome land since we last chatted a few years back?

DOLLS – Nikki:  So much.  I’ve pretty much left the ‘Nikki Awesome’ thing behind (DOLLS website launching soon, but won’t change my Facebook fan page), relocated to the UK (three grey and glorious years this summer), learned how to produce my own music, have thrown myself about traveling, meet/greeting some of my favourite artists and making ridiculous videos.  Basically, I’ve spent the last three years regaining control of my art and having FUN again after leaving the major label game, which has definitely been a good move.

Fridae: How was Dolls created? If you could tell the world and myself a little more background information on the history of Dolls.

DOLLS – Nikki:  DOLLS was initially an outlet for me to create music with a darker overall sound which wasn’t really compatible with The Royal Society’s.  I always listened to synth-heavy music with a dirty, raw vibe, like Nine Inch Nails, Gary Numan, Depeche Mode, and Joy Division/New Order.  I also really love some of the pop artists of the 80’s like Tears for Fears, Pet Shop Boys and Men Without Hats, all acts that had depth in their lyricism as well as wicked synth lines.  I found that many mainstream artists were not into that style when I was last living in North America. There weren’t many artists making a crossover between ‘alternative’ and ‘synthpop,’ coming from a commercial pop background (though some were crossing over the other way).  I’ve always written all my own lyrics and melodies, played guitar and keys, but I felt despite that, I was limited to one style of music by virtue of having had a hit in that genre and lacking the resources to produce music on my own.  Even though The Royal Society’s fans were wonderful and the media outlets were amazing in supporting the project, the club scene was feeling a little superficial to me.  After losing several years worth of work to a series of heavily political power plays (in case you ever wondered why there wasn’t a Royal Society album), I began learning production in order to make the music I wanted, so as not to have to take direction from people who didn’t get me as an artist.  It wasn’t the easiest transition and I probably burned some bridges, but ultimately I feel more empowered and happier doing what I want to do, and if people don’t ‘get it’ I don’t have to answer to anyone.

Fridae: Good for you! It’s seems like every artist comes to learn in their own time, that the only person who can truly relay your vision is you.

Fridae:  How did you come up with the new records title?

DOLLS – Nikki: It was little bit of a joke at my own expense. I felt like in writing the material for DOLLS, people saw me as being a bit of a ‘poor little bitch girl,’ biting the hand that had fed me. Because the songs were a lot more angry, less commercially friendly, and openly bitter about things that usually get hushed up. Dolls music is a total contrast to The Royal Society vibe which is all “let’s party, everything’s rad.”. I wrote so many songs over the last three years that chronicled some experiences pretty viciously, and it turned out that after incessant (often unsolicited) input from everyone else I was (un)surprisingly kind of pissed off.  Making Secret Sulk the album’s title seemed appropriate in the sense that everything I did musically and the way I did it was otherwise so atypical and ‘inappropriate’.

Fridae: Did you work with someone on the new album or did you create everything yourself?

DOLLS – Nikki: Millions of hours alone in my bedroom. I didn’t have any previous experience with production outside of being in-studio, so it’s been an insanely huge learning curve, which is obviously not yet complete.  The new (unreleased) stuff is a lot more refined in terms of sound quality (since I have upgraded my equipment) but it’s still DOLLS: dark cynical synth/wave with pop vocals.

Fridae: What separates Dolls from all the other artists trying to break the global scene?

DOLLS – Nikki: It’s no secret that the whole music industry is upside down.  Everybody’s looking to sign the prepackaged ‘next big thing,’ so I’d say it’s pretty rare to be invited in to hear the ‘flaws’ and outtakes from the onset, especially from someone who was formerly perceived as being the prepackaged ‘thing’ . DOLLS is the evolution of an artist, not the ‘delivery of a product.’  In my opinion, flaws are what resonate with people and give the audience something real to connect with.  The pitch-perfect image airbrushing that has become par for the course is not what I want to buy into or sell anymore.  Imperfections have always intrigued me; whether it was hearing a wrong note, a crack in the vocal performance – those kinds of things are so smoothed-out these days that I feel it’s tremendously different to allow fans in on a project’s development. Not just delivering a polished focus group-approved sound or image, which means releasing material that hasn’t been over-refined.  Which is unconventional in the current system.  I’ve chosen to work outside the model of recent tradition, and I will make mistakes, backtrack, change things around, have opinions that will piss people off. It’s more interesting (to me) to throw down total chaos rather than play a formulaic game, shuffling alongside everyone else, everyone crossing their fingers for a major to pick it up.  Getting signed doesn’t always benefit an artist, more often than not it just brings in a bunch of watered-down opinions on how you can best sell your music like it’s a breakfast cereal.

Fridae: Are you planning on hitting the road anytime soon?

DOLLS – Nikki: Definitely, but nothing’s set in stone yet.  I’ve had interest in the UK and Europe, but because I don’t have label support it’s a bigger deal to commit to touring, so I’m still working out the bugs and deciding who I want to work with for the live show.

Fridae: If you could work with any artist in the music world today who would you choose?

DOLLS – Nikki: Trent Reznor, David Bowie or David Lynch.  I feel like they should come as a package-deal, just so I don’t have to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Fridae: Are there any other projects in the works?

DOLLS – Nikki: At the moment DOLLS is pretty all-consuming and there’s some deadly business waiting in the wings, but it’s all hush-hush, innit!  I’m just releasing my first collaboration with a Canadian artist since 2010 (On Your Lips with Toronto electro artist COINS), and have been talking with another UK indie artist (Magpies and Vagabonds) about a new concept project. He also did the Dustcover Mix of NOW NOW. Both tracks are on my Bandcamp and Soundcloud accounts for free download.

Fridae: Whose music are you playing on repeat right now that you could not possibly live without?

DOLLS – Nikki: I really like Miike Snow, Das Racist, HURTS and Paloma Faith.  I’m pretty shit at listening to new music, so I go through phases of not knowing about anything new and just snuggling into old faves, followed by frenzied accumulation of Spotify playlists.  I feel like not buying physical copies of albums combined with being so obsessive about learning production has changed the way I consume music; it’s like the line in Amadeus, about how sometimes there are just too many notes. When I (n)ever have spare time, I prefer to see plays, go to galleries, read.. Whatevs.

Fridae: Words of wisdom for aspiring artists….?

DOLLS – Nikki: Probably not to take anyone’s advice.  Nobody else knows how to develop your art better, and letting them try, almost invariably leaves you disappointed or risking relationships to maintain the integrity of your ideas.

Fridae: Where can people find your music?

DOLLS – Nikki:  DOLLS’ Secret Sulk is available for free on my Soundcloud account (http://soundcloud.com/dollsxx/sets/secret_sulk) and if people like it, it would be fantastic if they want to purchase it for whatever they think works; I’m asking for £5.00 on Bandcamp (http://dollsxx.bandcamp.com), which allows me to continue to make music and develop the project.

Fridae: Are there any last words you would like to share with the world?

DOLLS – Nikki:  “She probably had it coming.”

Fridae: LOL!! Thank you so much Mizz Nikki Dolls!

www.DOLLSXX.com

www.twitter.com/DOLLSXX

COPYRIGHT © 2013 FRIDAE MATTAS. All Rights Reserved

Friday Apr 26 2013

Someone may be taking more of your time, energy, or some other resource that you just don’t have enough of right now. But being a sweet and sensitive Pisces, you don’t have the heart to stop giving whatever you are giving. And that means, of course, that you are being depleted and exhausted. This individual probably doesn’t mean to “use” you; he or she probably thinks you have whatever it is in abundance. That’s why it’s so important to express how you’re feeling. You need to restore yourself before you can give to anyone else.

There is no try.
Go do the dishes.

I blame Yoda.

I was just having a little minipiphany (yeah, I just made that up because I have lots of these tiny epiphanies and they deserve a name).

I’m winning the war over the dishes. I was just finishing up and thinking about coming back to my laptop and my always-open chat window to Kait to tell her that I’ve really made a shift with this most-hated chore. I mean, I think I’m just about at the point where I appreciate having done them more than I dread doing them.

That’s huge for me. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t mind mess, and I can let a lot of things pile up before it bothers me. And dishes! I hate doing the dishes so much that I could dirty every dish in the house and would rather see them piled on the counters than wash them. Of course, I’m friends with enough normal people–and also crazy neat freaks like Kait– to know that a lot of you are cringing right now, just from that description. But I really hate doing the dishes.

It’s taken a long time to get to the point of appreciating an empty sink. I’ve been able to keep my sink empty before, establish good habits for weeks, and, very rarely, months at a time. But I always backslide because I always hate doing the dishes more than I like having them done.

So today I was thinking that I need to tell Kait that I feel like I’m turning a corner. It’s getting easier to do them right after dinner every night, and when they’re done, I really feel better now, and that’s new. And I thought:

It probably helps that I’ve changed my definition of “every.”

I have a feeling that the exactness thing I have with language causes me more problems than I realize.

It’s part of the all-or-nothing thinking plan I’ve bought into. “Every” means every. Each one. It doesn’t mean you get a night off when you’re really tired, have something else that has to be done, or even when you just really don’t wanna. “Every” night means that skipping a night is FAIL and fail is always an excuse to give up doing what’s hard.

In an attempt to work on the perfectionism that’s kicking my ass, I decided to redefine “every” for myself as “most of the time,” and even “more often than not” if necessary. With much better results.

If there is no try, there’s only do and fail.

I know that some people feel like other people need the Jedi Master Kick in the Pants. Maybe they do. What I know is that, over and over, I have tried to do my dishes every night, and then I failed to do them every night, and blowing them off felt hella better than actively failing all the time.

I actually think I need to tell Yoda to go piss up a rope (respectfully) and redefine “do” in my life as something a lot closer to try than the way I think about it now.  

Enough about me. For now.

Last week I gave you difficult artichokes so I thought I’d make them easier this week: all you need is ability to open the can. Some even come with pull tabs.

This recipe has two of my faves. Fungi and thistles. Yah. But the ingedient that took the recipe into must-make territory was capers.
I got this recipe here from the Cooking in College blog.
So what if I’m not involved in institutional scholastic pursuits?
Based on my vocabulary you should be aware that I am a lifelong scholar, oh yes I am.

Although I should probably enroll in street smarts 101 sometime soon.

shrooms n chokes adapted from Cooking in College

1/4 cup chopped yellow onion
5 small mushrooms (I used 3 cremini, three white button), sliced
1/2 tsp. minced garlic (I used jarred)
1/4 c. Dry white wine
Wine glass for you to drink the rest of the bottle which if you are planning on doing may I suggest a Sancerre? I love a good Sancerre
1 can of water-packed quartered artichokes, drained
1 tsp. freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/2 tsp. dried basil
1 1/2 Tbsp. small capers
Olive oil spray
Spray a skillet and heat over medium. Add onion and sauté until soft. Add shrooms and sauté until soft. Add garlic, sauté a rad tad longer, then add artichoke hearts, wine, lemon, and basil and cook off the excess of liquid.
Add capers and take off heat.

Eat up, bee-yatch.

That’s the wine talking. The Sancerre. You know how the French can be.
I jest. Total Francophile here. They get to be snobs because their shit is better. It is.

My original plan for today was to take Toddlette in to nursery, then tootle off for my lovely haircut, have a nice relaxing lunch out somewhere afterwards, dawdle home and apart from maaaaaybe chucking something very quick and easy together for dinner, do absolutely nothing until it was time to collect the kid.  But then I remembered that I had a commuting husband, a toddler who absolutely cannot be left unattended even for one minute, very bare fridge/cupboards and a house that looked like something you see on a Channel 4 documentary about people with hoarding problems.

I have honestly had more restful days in work!  At work, I can take 45 minutes to make a cup of tea and eat a biscuit and no-one really notices.  At home, I can sneak away for two seconds for a wee on my own whilst Toddlette watches Peppa Pig.  If I’m lucky.  (why ARE toddlers/children so obsessed with coming with you when you go to the toilet?!)

Is it just me being a fusspot?  I’m certainly not the most OCD cleaner, hence why my house often gets to the point of looking like I need intervention from a documentary crew before I tidy it.  I do like to have lots of meals in the freezer, but that’s just because I don’t like eating processed food but don’t have time to cook from scratch every night.  I absolutely do not enjoy cleaning, tidying and sorting YET AM SPENDING MY DAY OFF DOING IT.  Aarh!  What a twat!  I should be asleep!  Or lying on the sofa with a packet of double chocolate chip cookies watching a True Blood boxset.  Or, after my haircut (which was beyond lovely – I did actually get to sit and do nothing for an hour whilst an attractive man washed my hair, told me what a wonderful natural colour it had and then tended to it with more care than it will see until the next time I get it cut) I should have gone shopping, had that delicious and relaxing lunch all to myself, perhaps even with a small glass of wine, and treated myself to a new lipstick.  Pah.

I’m not really sure what the conclusion of this post is.  Do less?  Don’t be so bloody unrealistic when taking days off work?  Eat a cookie and shut up?  I think I’m floundering towards some sort of point about how parents, working or otherwise, maybe have to compromise a little bit in one area of their life or another.  Or do they?  Arh, told you I was floundering.

Me, OH and Toddlette tick along brilliantly from day to day.  There are odd cock ups when we forget to put a load of washing on and run out of matching socks or forget to pick up some bananas but really, we do alright.  Except -  if it wasn’t for days like today or next Saturday when one of us will take Toddlette to the park and the other will clean the house top to bottom, I’m not sure we would stay on top of everything and I have no idea why not?  There are only three of us and it’s a small house!  So please – either tell me I’m not alone in this ‘day off’ insanity or share with me how you manage to stay on top of your life!

And once you’ve solved my problems, pretty, pretty please would you go and vote for me as well?  I’ve been nominated in the ‘Fresh Voice’ category in the Britmums Brilliance in Blogging awards, and since I am up against some of the best bloggers out there I need your help!