Conclusion. It is vital to ensure that each patient has an individualized medication regimen, and for patients with dysphagia the formulation of the medicine is as important as the active ingredients.

from the Journal of Advanced Nursing

J’ai encore rêvé de J, cette nuit. Il était là, je le voyais, j’échangeais, je crois qu’il m’aimait bien, qu’il aimait que je sois là, et même que c’était normal pour lui. Il voulait me dragouiller, il me réchauffait de ses regards, m’adressait souvent la parole gentiment. C’étaient des mini signes qui démontraient qu’il était heureux de ma présence, qu’il pensait à moi et presque qu’il avait besoin de moi.

Bizarrement, ce n’étaient pas ses traits à lui. C’étaient même peut-être celui d’iceber (un type que je connaissais d’internet, que j’avais rencontré deux ou trois fois, et que j’aimais profondément aussi, même si j’étais ridicule).

Et puis il y avait une route, des portiques d’enfants qui la barraient, et chose étrange, on entrait dans ces portiques dans le sens inverse de celui de la route. Puis je me rendais compte que les sens n’étaient pas très clairs, et j’étais un peu perdue. Je sais juste qu’il fallait que j’aille de l’autre côté si je voulais suivre ma copine et J. Je commettais donc une infraction, car je n’avais pas envie d’attendre et de suivre la déviation qui était prévue et qui me paraissait pénible. J’étais même pas sûre de commettre une infraction d’ailleurs, tellement les sens étaient mal indiqués. Mais j’avais peur quand même. Mais seulement du gendarme, pour le reste, la route était dégagée, il n’y avait pas de problème.

C’est bizarre parce qu’au cours du repas, j’étais à ma place, et au cours de l’autre truc aussi, alors que pourtant je n’avais pas été particulièrement invitée. J’étais vraiment à ma place, je veux dire presque d’une façon que je ne connais même pas. C’est difficile à expliquer. Je crois que je me voyais même habillée en rouge, et en tout cas, ce rêve était particulièrement coloré. ça m’a fait du bien, de voir ça.

Par contre, j’étais placée presqu’en face de J, mais légèrement en diagonale. C’est rigolo d’ailleurs: de ma place de spectatrice dans le rêve, je voyais J de face vers ma gauche, et je me voyais de dos très légèrement vers ma droite, ou un truc comme ça. Il y avait des bancs (en bois) et une table de combien? Huit personnes? Peut-être davantage, je ne sais pas.

C’était bizarre de se sentir à sa place alors qu’on n’était pas invité. Comme si tout le monde était content que je sois là, que c’était parfaitement normal. Bref. Par contre, ça n’a pas duré. Peu après la fin du repas, avant de rejoindre la route, j’ai commencé à avoir des doutes. Ils ne m’ont pas complètement envahie, j’ai réussi à continuer à penser que j’étais toujours à ma place, mais la sensation avait presque disparu, ce n’était plus qu’intellectuel, donc un peu froid, donc j’étais dans le doute.

En tout cas, ça veut dire que je rêve de J presque toutes les nuits. Alors que quand je me cogne des insomnies (et j’en ai beaucoup ces temps ci), ce n’est pas forcément à lui que je pense, et je n’ai pas le sentiment que c’est mon histoire avec lui qui m’empêche de dormir.

D’ailleurs, je ne sais pas bien ce qui m’empêche de dormir. Il n’y a que le lexomil qui me permet de retrouver le sommeil, et ces temps ci, j’en ai repris pas mal. Presque un par jour pendant trois ou quatre jours. Ou bien un jour sur deux depuis une semaine? Enfin un truc comme ça en moyenne. Et ça m’a fait du bien d’en prendre, car vraiment, je ne pouvais pas dormir du tout, y compris avec des séances de relaxation!

Yeah, I skipped College today. There was 2 reasons for it.

1) I am skint and my bus pass ran out yesterday, so physically can’t afford college, unless I chance it with an out of date bus pass. Which I don’t want to do, cause they may just take the pass off me, including my college card. Which they have done before.

2) I was very, very upset yesterday. Im hoping I am just ‘dipping’ because my meds have been changed, but I dont think thats it. I was so close to phoning the Samartians because I just wanted to throw myself of something and end it all. Pretty severe, when you think that the medication is supposed to stop me feeling like that. But after I blogged, I went to the toilets and had a cry.

*sigh*
Anyways. I lay in bed this morning reading Death Note, and feeling sorry for myself. When I am like that, I am better just lying, locked away from everyone, cause I’ll just say something stupid.

I still haven’t done any work, although I sat and drew at my work last night. I say I draw, it wasn’t anything spectacular, but it was all I could do from walking out of my work last night, and never going back. Whats bugging me, is that how am I supposed to make sure I am doing everything for a customer, when the call center manager is on my back telling me to hurry up and get on the next call. If I need to email another department, I can’t. And that is not helping me at all, when I am feeling this stressed.

Just focusing on Saturday, where I’ll be up in Aberdeen with two of my oldest friends, Sharon and Gemma. Its Gemma’s birthday night out. I’m just looking to clear my head, so am really looking forward to it. Its kind of like the light at the end of the tunnel. Reminds me, I need to get Gemma and Sharon bday things on Friday, when I get paid.

Tuesday morning at 5:40am my mom & I arrived at the hospital for my Lymph Node Dissection/Biopsy with the Otolaryngologist/Oncologist. Things went as well as they could have. That hospital sincerely has a most wonderful staff!!

I have a bloody bandage covering up my incision and stitches just below my chin/upper neck area. I can’t remove it till Turkey Day. I’ll need to go back in about a week to get the stitches removed. The doctor said since the Holiday weekend, I probably won’t get the lab test results till Monday or Tuesday. I’m trying really hard to not think Cancer…but considering my symptoms and such…I’m very depressed and scared ;c(

I was very lucky to have my mom with me. She even stayed full of love and support when fear got the better hold of me and I became kinda bitchy. She really made me feel loved and helped me so much. Plus, I simply enjoyed her company!!! ♥:::thanks mommy!!::: ♥

Last night was pretty rough for me. Many tears were shed. I am such a fucking dumbass to of thought maybe my loser father would have stopped being such a coward pussy and call and wish me good luck or something. I left two messages with him, and his brothers.

But enough about those dickwads…this day was about me; and I pulled through. My neck is extra swollen now, and quite tender and sore…inspite of taking 2 vicodin not that long ago. OUCHIE!!

Mentally, emotionally and everything else with me is so all over the place. The lack of family support crushed my soul today. But I had my wonderful mom, my sweet boyfriend Pedro and my dearest friends Jamie & Steve…they all helped me so much!!! ;c)

I’ll post more as I find out more… (((HUGS)))

So I saw Dr D today for the second time. My social worker came in with me, along with a junior doctor who looked about 12.

I didn’t know where to start. I had taken some notes with me which helped a little, but I’m not sure how much he actually paid attention. I ended up having to explain most of my notes when he questioned me.

It seems he doesn’t really know what to do with me. He asked about antidepressants again, but when I reeled off the list of medication I’ve tried, he said I’ve pretty much exhausted the list. He decided to just leave my meds as they are. I’m a little disappointed about this. Although my current medication regime is the best combination so far (as in I haven’t gone *completely* batshit crazy on it), it’s hardly doing the job. I was hoping he’d have a suggestion of something else we could add. It just feels that by leaving the meds as they are, nothing is being done to try and improve things.

I brought up the subject of work and when I was likely to go back. He told me I’m still very ill and that I shouldn’t try to run before I can walk. Clichéd I know. I still find it weird when I’m told that I’m seriously ill. I guess as much as I do know differently, I still have those niggling thoughts that mental illness isn’t real illness. Everyone else’s prejudices still rub off on your subconscious.

I tried to push the subject saying that work were interested to know when I was likely to start a return to work. He just told me not to think about work. He just said the usual things about mental illness not having any exact time-scales. Apparently the CMHT are trying to get me better as fast as they can. I’m not exactly convinced. It feels like nothing has been done to try and get me better so far.

I also brought up driving and he just reiterated the need for me to be “stable”. He didn’t give any indication of what that means, just that I am not well enough to drive at the moment. Apparently all of these things will just happen when I am well again and I shouldn’t think about them. Easier said than done.

I mentioned the EAP therapy and he agreed that it might be helpful for me to have some support whilst waiting for the Enhanced Day Therapies referral to come through. Useless social worker, J was meant to chase up my EDT referral but hasn’t, so we shall see if she does it now she’s been reminded by Dr D. I think he was quite pleased to hear this about temporary therapy because it meant he didn’t have to do anything now himself!

The appointment didn’t last long and just felt like a complete waste of time. Apparently I will see him again early next year. No doubt it will be more of the same.

Regarding the EAP service. Yesterday, I was contacted by one of their counsellors to book an appointment. Unfortunately they were based in Liverpool, which is a two hour trek by bus from here (train would cost me money, bus is free!). I contacted the EAP today to ask if there was anyone I could see in Manchester. They’d linked me to someone in Liverpool because my address comes under Warrington, but Manchester is actually much easier and closer. Unfortunately all of their counsellors in Manchester are currently unavailable, but one comes back from holiday at the end of the week so they are going to ask them then. I guess we shall have to see what happens. If they can’t do it then I will probably give the Liverpool guy a go, but I’m not sure if it will be worth it with all the travelling.

Meh. I really feel crap now. Headache is raging (come on Propanolol! Work!!) and I just feel really demoralised by the crapness of the CMHT.

Wow what a topic for me.  I’ve considered them many, many times.  I’ve even sat down to make an appointment but something always happens to interrupt me.  My distrust/distaste/dislike of the possibility is so deep rooted that even making a conscious decision to try them is thwarted subconsciously.  It’s because I have an army of reasons not to try and only reason to try.  That one reason: maybe it might make things easier.  The reason to try isn’t even very concrete.

My main reason not to try: it’s a drug.  My parents are drug addicts and I don’t want to be anything like them.  To me a drug is a drug is a drug.  I worry about how much alcohol I drink and even how much aspirin I take.   I also think any drug is a crutch.  We are capable of doing these things ourselves.  Please bear in mind that these are just my opinions. 

Well, things are getting better here all the time.  My husband and I rarely have to worry about money any more, my daughter is growing up beautifully, and people genuinely love me.  I’m not happy though.  I seem to be deteriorating at a faster rate in fact.  My depression has gone from volatile mood swings to an apathetic attitude that only seems to be deepening.  Call it whatever you want the simple fact is that I’ve spent so long in a stressed out state I just don’t know what to do with myself in any other.  If you read the studies that have come out lately, this is quite literally killing me.  Stress hormones damage brain tissue, muscles, and the heart.  Stress responses are supposed to be short term fixes.  So maybe I’ve been running around on a broken leg all this time and I need a crutch.  

I’ve decided to give medication a try.  The doctor I go to is probably going to hate me.  I’ll be researching thoroughly and I’ll have a strict set of goals.  I’ve seen people rely on these things completely and I simply want to see if there is a way to help fix my current bad habit.  I’m looking at it like a cigarette smoker going on Chantix.  Stress is my addiction and sometimes one needs help to quit an addiction.

Traveling this holiday season? Check out these tips from Live Oak Pharmacy’s very own, Nathan Pope, Director of Pharmacy & Education:

1. Be sure to keep your medications in your carry-on in the event of lost or delayed luggage
2. Don’t forget your medication list. In an emergency it can make all the difference – don’t have one? Download one here http://retwt.me/1KCiy
3. Keep your medications, including over-the-counter medications, in their original packaging. You don’t want to take the wrong medication.
4. Remember that your pharmacist is an important part of your health care team!

We had school conferences yesterday. First was David’s. He’s doing very well. His reading is a little behind, but mostly because he needs to really learn the -ed and -ing endings. He is having a few behavioral issues right now. We’re seeing it at home too. The only thing I can think of is growth spurt. He always reverts to worse behaviors during growth spurt time. Then she briefly touched on the fact that this is David’s 3rd and final year in her class. Where does time go?

Daniel’s conference was next. I was concerned about this one. I wasn’t sure whether his teacher cared that he was repeating kindergarten and already knew everything on the homework sheets. Turns out Daniel is one of five who are repeating. She is very conscious of making everything new and interesting for them. She also has time for them to be challenged in class. They are split by ability and they do work according to skill. Daniel takes great pride in being a role model for the students that can’t do as much. She loves having him in class.

And finally I had Celia’s conference. This was the first time I got to meet her teacher. I went in not thinking the best of her, and left thinking she seems nice. Gee, could it be influenced by the fact that she kept raving over Celia’s beauty and her hair? Then she told me how wonderful the book was that Celia read to the class. (Celia took in The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane and asked if the class could read it. The teacher allowed Celia to read it to the class.) She said the class was quieter while Celia read than while she (the teacher) reads. She commented on Celia’s grades leveling out. Thinking that Celia just needed to settle in. I confessed that I put Celia back on Strattera (her ADD med) since her class work was suffering. And you should see her report card! All A’s with one B in science. All her behavioral marks are O’s. Previous years her report cards would have a good mix of O’s, S’s and N’s. She always had difficulties finishing work in the time allotted and difficulties working with others. Now the teacher has to assign partners because there are about six girls who always want to be paired with Celia. And her final assessment: she thinks Celia should be tested for gifted. I’ve always agreed, but it seems like while off her meds, the other teachers didn’t agree. I intend to write a letter formally requesting testing for gifted next week.

pregnancy treatments

If a woman is not able to get abundant through accustomed insemination she may use acceptable infertility treatments such as the use of abundance pregnancy treatments drugs IVF and bogus insemination. Formation is the addition of agent into the changeable uterus during animal intercourse. Formation which takes abode through animal action is accepted as accustomed formation or NI. Formation which takes abode after animal action is accepted as bogus formation or Pregnancy Treatments AI.

Alternatively she may try use Pregnancy Treatments Acceptable Chinese Medicine TCM and assemble treatment. If you appetite to alpha TCM for infertility treatments the best affair to do first is to argue with your doctor. Your doctor may actuate that the infertility stems from a structural problem such as block Fallopian tubes and again TCM is not an option.

Do bethink that your doctor may not accept the appropriate training to advance Herbal Medications. This agency you may ambition to argue with Pregnancy Homeopathic your approved doctor in affiliation with a doctor accomplished in TCM. Do acknowledge your accommodation to do so with your doctor to ensure that he/she has abounding admission to your medical history. You do not appetite to accompany a acceptable and an another medical analysis for infertility simultaneously unless you accommodate abounding acknowledgment of what drugs you are taking etc. to both doctors.

TCM has been acclimated for bags of years to advice women adapt menstruation and ovulation and restore egg quality. Many women would advance that TCM contributed to them accepting acknowledged and advantageous pregnancies.

TCM which is based on a mix of Herbal Medications and acupuncture has accurate able in some cases in abating anatomy disharmony which causes infertility. Herbal Medications are medications able from plants and bulb extracts and which sometimes accommodate bee and fungal products as able-bodied as minerals. Numerous analytic trials accept apparent that some Herbal Medications are both safe and effective.

One of the bounds abaft Herbal Medications is that they may abetment in the abolishment of any bad habits that could be causing infertility. A acceptable diet and comestible supplements enhance your adventitious of conception. The actual aboriginal affair you should do is to annihilate caffeine alcohol and tobacco from your diet and ensure you are bistro healthy counterbalanced meals. Consider abacus vitamins A C and E folic acid selenium blubbery acids and zinc to your circadian diet. You can get these if you are demography prenatal vitamins. Men should attending into demography L-Carnitine tablets which are an amino pregnancy treatments acerbic that helps the anatomy to aftermath acceptable affection sperm advice access the agent calculation and additionally to accord the agent greater motility. Herbs to barrier accent and all-overs and this can accord to a acknowledged pregnancy.

Any alone application herbal medicines should booty the aforementioned affliction as with decree medicines to abstain overdose interactions with added medications and misuse. It is additionally important to abide with Western medical treatments to ensure all avenues for infertility analysis are explored.

TCM accept admiring growing attention abnormally as some ART treatments and decidedly the added invasive ones account some controversy.

Autism has affected more than 1.5 children in the USA. It is a lifelong condition for which there is no cure.

What is Autism?
Autism is a disorder caused in children during the first three years of their life. Autism is essentially a brain disorder. It affects the normal functioning of the brain. Autism is characterized by a disability in a child’s verbal and non-verbal communication. A child with autism suffers from mental retardation, stereotyped activities and impaired learning. The child also suffers from restrained social interactions and pursuits of individualistic interests and hobbies.

What causes Autism?
Despite the fact that autism is such a life impairing disorder, researchers have not detected its common cause. Several studies indicate that it is caused due to abnormalities in the brain’s structure and working. This fact has been supported by various brain scan comparisons. The comparisons showed that an autistic child’s brain shape and structure differs from that of a normal child.

Genes are also considered as a cause of autism. Genetics play an important role in a person’s lifestyle and behavior. A child can suffer from autism if he has a family history of autism or other disabilities. 1 out of every 500 children is believed to develop autism on a genetic basis. Even if one child in the family suffers from autism, the chances of autism increase in the other children up to 20 percent.

Prenatal infection with viruses such as cytomegalovirus (CMV) and rubella can also result in the development of autism in a child. If the pregnant mother has not built up immunity against this virus, it can cause autism in the new-born child.

Autism can also develop in individuals suffering from medical conditions like Fragile X syndrome, tuberous sclerosis and undiagnosed phenylketonuria (PKU). Developmental brain abnormalities like macrocephaly, cerebral dysgenesis and microcephaly can also cause autism. Neurological disorders like bacterial meningitis and lead encephalopathy which are acquired after the birth can also lead to autism.

Features of a child suffering from autism
Autism is known to affect three prime areas of a child’s life- verbal and non-verbal communication, creative mind play and social interaction. A child’s ability in these three areas is impaired. The severity varies from individual to individual.

One of the prime symptoms of autism is impaired social interaction. A child suffering from autism fails to respond to his name. The child avoids looking at other people and their activities. A child would remain passive to various tones of voice. He would remain blank about facial expressions and would not react to emotions of people. He is completely oblivious of what others feel for him, and what impact he is leaving on people.

A child suffering from autism tends to engage himself in repetitive activities like biting, rocking, hair twirling and even head banging. Autistic children refer to themselves by their names instead of ‘I’ or ‘me’. They also tend to speak quite late compared to other children.

An autistic child shows unusual responses towards touch, sound or any other sensory stimulation. He might show decreased reaction and sensitivity towards injury or pain. He might react against being cuddled and other activities.

A child suffering from autism shows impaired learning. He finds it difficult to adjust himself to a daily give and take routine. He would avoid making eye contact with almost everyone. He spends his time in solitude and offers resistance to being kissed and hugged. He doesn’t even react in the absence of parents. He tends to takes longer time in interpreting and understanding things.

As they grow, autistic children can become aggressive and show a tendency to harm others. They become increasingly frustrated and may even harm themselves. Children might also develop a condition known as echolalia. In this condition they only learn things by parroting what they hear.

A child suffering from autism also suffers from a lack of creativity. He might simply gaze at a new object or toy, or hold it. He would not play or experiment with it, like normal children.

Treatment
There is no specific medication that can be given in the treatment of autism. Treatment differs according to the severity of the impairment in a child. If you feel your child displays signs of autism a specialist should be consulted immediately for diagnosis and also to suggest what treatment can be given.

Without glasses
to correct my vision
there is a halo
around my lights.

Without drugs
to correct my chemistry
there is a fire
inside my mind.

Without society
to correct my beliefs
there is uncertainty
throughout my soul.

Without correction
life is pure.

The only chaos
is control.

My day started out awful today…

I woke up at 7:00 to get to my gym class, took a shower then spent forever looking for Mike because he said he’d come with me. Ha, turns out he’d already left and so I arrived to my gym class a few minutes late. My professor told me that I should start getting there “on time” and that it’s already happened twice. Not to mention I still had to make up two gym classes with her. I don’t stand too well with her, I’m sure. At the end of the class she offhandedly apologized so I went to English feeling a little bit better. My 6 page paper was due – the rough draft. I had it done! But it wasn’t looking so hot in content. I arrived a tad late for that class too because of printing issues – but Kurt (My english Prof) is always super nice and understanding. He helped my day out a lot. We got to peer review and he looked over mine giving me great tips. Sure, I have to rewrite a lot of it – but it’s worth it if it’s 40 % of my English grade.
~I’m a little bit tired  from last night – Nathan’s brother, Nick, came over; he was a lot of good fun. We went to Garvey (The cafeteria) and then played some games, talked about the army and listened to some music. Apparently he’s big into gaming…
Mike said he’d start doing some photography for my blog – I always forget to bring my camera when it matters so maybe this could be for the better.

As of late, I’ve had some major sleeping issues. It turns out that I hardly ever get sleep and none of it feels restful even if I do. I’m  contemplating takeing sleep medication – I think a lot of it is stress. But writing this blog is two-fold, it helps me relieve stress and it helps me remember parts of my life that I never want to forget. Hopefully my sleeping problem will get better – I want to exhaust everything else before I go to sleep medication; I hear it’s bad for you.

Beatus Vir Qui Suffrent Tentationem

.Rin.

A “good” life insurance policy. Yep, that’s my, my mom and my sister’s gift.

When I was diagnosed with T1 my family all but shunned me. Diabetes doesn’t run in our family. No one knew anything. My aunt’s father was T2 and she and my uncle all but stopped talking to my parents after my diagnosis. (I’m incredibly grateful for their trying to knock sense into my parents…even though it didn’t work)

Being that my family is very anti-medicine, they have always “encouraged” me to be on as little insulin as possible and eat very few, if any, carbs. But I’ve never really had a great deal of “babysitting” with my doses and bg levels.

Two years after my diagnosis my father was diagnosed with T2. He didn’t take his meds or watch what he ate and two years later landed in the hospital. That was last Fall and he is now insulin dependent. He’s gone to the diabetes educators a few times, but still hasn’t really grasped card counting and still takes the same amount of insulin three times per day – regardless of whether there’s a meal or of what the meal consists. And when he snacks, he takes nothing.

My father and I have had our issues over the years. I don’t agree with a lot of his parenting choices and other things that need not be discussed. Point being, I’d prefer my father not die – no matter how many issues we have.

Not even considering the emotional side of losing him, there’s the practical side.

Is it selfish he’s neglecting his sugars and health? Does he just not want to accept what diabetes means? Is it because he refuses to accept having a dependency on insulin/medication? I have no idea how idea to approach this with him – or if I should.

He was never there for me when I was diagnosed. Never wanted to know what living with T1 meant for me. Part of me is frustrated and doesn’t want to be for him either. But the other part of me can’t help but care – I know the risks he’s running and he’s still my father

My parents and I had lunch together recently. We went to a local sandwich cafe. Along with the sandwiches came Sun Chips and potato salad. In other words, a VERY high carb meal. When we got home he also had a large cream cheese brownie, with no insulin. (I accounted for over 100carbs, ate half my sandwich and half the potato salad and was still high afterwards) I mentioned something about insulin and his response was he didn’t care.

I don’t understand how he cannot care. Looking at bad numbers – on your meter, after bloodwork, cholesterol, A1c, etc totally sucks. I get it. It’s frustrating and disheartening. But if you take that information and choose to ignore it, where is that going to take you? Back to the hospital, that’s where.

Do you sit back and watch? Or d you try to help? And, how in the world are you supposed to help someone who thinks their “good” life insurance policy is taking care of themself and their gift to you?

A whole other side to this is pretty selfish on my part, and I know that. If I’m testing, taking insulin and other meds and listening to my doctors, what does he think of me? Him not taking care of himself feels like an insult. Am I being weak for being compliant? Am I supposed to not care too? Am I allowed to be angry? Am I supposed to be?

Aren’t parents supposed to worry about their kids and not the other way around?

It’s been a while since I last got emotional.  I think that the meds I’m on has made me a better person.  I hate relying on medication, but what can I do?  I can always stop taking my medication, but what will happen to me if I do?  Should I find out?  I’m curious right now.  I want to know how I’ll act and feel if I stop taking my meds.  Will I end up in a hospital again?  I hope not because that will not benefit me at all.  I’m not a danger myself and I never was in any danger.

Holy Days and Holidays: Keeping Your Sanity and Your Spirit

By the time you read this article you will have finished most of a roasted turkey, yams, and the rest of your Thanksgiving dinner. You might have even braved the Black Friday crowds. In any case, you’ve experienced the first major holiday of the winter season and probably some of the insanity, as well.

Studies show that many people experience depression and sadness during the holidays. While the reasons vary, we all find ourselves, at one time or another, wishing we could just hide away from everything around us. At a time when we celebrate families, friends, and our Savior, the stresses of the season can drag us down.

Depression can be situational (caused by our circumstances) or physical (chemical imbalance or disease). Whatever the cause, how can we avoid and/or deal with depression during the holidays and throughout the year? Believe it or not, you can find the answer in the Scriptures.

A Few Examples of Situational Depression in the Bible

King David: “I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart” (Psalm 38:6,8, NIV; David is depressed because of his sin with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah.)

Jeremiah the prophet: “I have been deprived of peace; I have forgotten what prosperity is. So I say, ‘My splendor is gone and all that I had hoped from the LORD.’ I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.” (Lamentations 3:17-20; Jerusalem had been destroyed, and famine consumed the city.)

Apostle Paul: “We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)

Symptoms of depression include hopelessness and feeling defeated, deserted, or deprived. Causes can include the recent loss of a loved one, loneliness, financial and physical stresses, among others. People experiencing depression, even for chemical reasons, often have negative thinking patterns—ingrained habitual thinking about themselves and the world around them.

Dealing with Depression

First of all, if you are experiencing depression, or the “blues,” please talk to your doctor to rule out physical causes. Many physical maladies can bring about depression, including thyroid problems and hormonal changes, among others. By the way, it is okay to take medication for depression, even if just temporarily to help you work through a tremendous change in your life, such as a death, divorce, or other major loss.

Second, it is important to change the negative thinking patterns that are keeping you bound by depression. Don’t keep your feelings bottled up inside. Talk to someone about your feelings of depression, alienation, loneliness, etc. You are not alone.

Scriptural Responses to Depression

1. Is your depression originating in disappointment with yourself or guilt from your past? Confess your failures and your sins that you may be forgiven. “Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, ‘I will confess my transgressions to the LORD’—and you forgave the guilt of my sin” (Psalm 32:5).

2. Change your way of thinking about your past, your present, and your future. Don’t let the opinions of people around you drown out God’s opinion.

The Past: When we continually blame and criticize ourselves, we are disagreeing with God. Even when we don’t “feel” it, we need to remind ourselves that God is faithful and, when we have confessed our sins, God forgives and redeems us from the guilt of the past (1 John 1:9). Even if you don’t feel “forgiven,” tell yourself the truth, that God loves you and wants the best for you.

“Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:12-14).

The Present: Circumstances change—employment, financial struggles, physical problems, and even persecution can cause emotional trauma and depression. Change your thinking by taking an eternal view about these things. You may not understand why things happen, but that’s what faith is about, knowing that whatever comes our way, God is with us.

“But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ (Philippians 3:7,8).

The Future: Again, only God can see the future and know what is to come. A healthy view of the future, then, is one that recognizes God’s care for us. “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28). Everything I experience today is a part of the future God has planned for me. I don’t need to see the future to know that I can walk toward it without fear.

3. Practice faith in God by choosing to find the positive. “Finally, brothers (and sisters), whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” (Philippians 4:8,9).

4. Pray for those who have hurt you or caused your feelings of loss. Prayer is a therapeutic practice. You cannot hate someone when you are praying for them. Jesus said, “But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven” (Matthew 5:44,45).

5. Practice thankfulness for God’s involvement in your life. “Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

“Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 5:19,20).

As you celebrate the holy days and holidays this year, my prayer is that you will find hope in God’s Word, strength through God’s Spirit, and help for the problems that come your way.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pastor Mary Kay
revmkg@sbcglobal.net

The Schizotypal Personality Disorder Coming Into Treatment:

Countertransference Issues

Treatment Techniques

Treatment Goals

In an outpatient treatment setting, this author has seen individuals with StPD develop connections to others that, while impoverished and rather fragile, were of considerable value to the individuals involved. Their investment in the social contact provided the impetus needed for them to learn and practice social skills and appropriate interpersonal behavior.

i’ve never been a Fiona Apple fan.  when she graced us with her presence in the era of all things Lilith Fair, i just wanted her to eat a sandwich.  a few months ago, i heard this song and it seems to strike a chord with what goes on in my head.  imagine that.

i’m having a rough time.  maybe its the meds, maybe its my head.  i can’t be sure.  i get squirrely in the afternoon: restless, a little hyper, a little nauseous, a little dizzy.  and at the same time, sapped of energy.  the Xb0x and i have become good friends over the past few days.

he and i talk about what’s happening.  but quite honestly i’m afraid to a degree to let anyone else know.  i don’t know whether to call my shrink (whom i’m not scheduled to see until 12/23) or my therapist (whom i’m not scheduled to see until 12/2) or just try to ride it out.  i know Seroquel has a hell of an adjustment period, so i have to wonder if that’s the culprit for my internal weirdness.

i’m just going to keep plowing through.  after all, i too am an extraordinary machine.  and so are you.

Went down to the chemist at 2pm. In this hole of a country, most chemists don’t open on a Sunday. I had a feeling that it mighn’t be. Anyways, in gale force winds off we went. Prior to that we had gotten to call mes off P’s sister at 3.30am and 4am. We thought it was weird so we were very worried. The mood wasn’t great on the way down at all. Got down to the chemist and of course it was shut. So in hindsight i’m wondering a few things

1. How come heroin addicts get in there on a Sunday for methadone and i cant
2. Why didnt they give me enough to cover me
3. Whats the fucking point of me skipping doses and ending up sicker than i was.

I’m furious, and it’s just so typical of this shithole country….

Not only that, everyone seems to be ignoring me in my time of need. I was texting emer about it and she didnt even repyl. ignorant cunt…

I’m sorry that I haven’t posted in a while. I’ve been struggling a lot lately with anxiety about my pregnancy (shocking huh!?) and reading about more late term miscarriages at 18+ weeks on other people’s blogs has me again seriously questioning whether I need to take a break from the blogging world.

It’s Saturday night at 7:15. I’ve spent much of today working on a grad school paper that was due last Sunday. I’m actually getting through it more quickly than I expected and although it’s not very good, it will get the job done. I’m taking  a much needed break now to write this post. I have to admit, I also might do a little book shopping on Amazon.

This Wednesday I went to another ultrasound appointment. I just went to one a week ago, an “emergency” appointment that I requested when I mysteriously lost all my pregnancy symptoms. I kept this Wednesday’s appointment because it was with my actual OBGYN and I’ve been so eager to talk to her and ask her some questions. I also had an appointment after my ultrasound with someone from the mental health department of the pregnancy unit.

Anyway, all day Wednesday I was a wreck, worried I’d get bad news. I don’t know how I can get myself so worked up every time I go in for an ultrasound! By the time I got home from both appointments I was exhausted; I didn’t get off the couch for five hours (and Squeaks can attest to that).

Anyway, my appointments went well. It was kind of intense reviewing my entire mental health history with the woman who I ended up seeing first because my OBGYN was running late. We talked about my past episodes with depressions, when I was in therapy, when I was taking medication (and what I took), my past issues with food and weight, and finally my crushing anxiety about losing this pregnancy. She was very kind, compassionate and sympathetic, but never in a demeaning way. She concluded that I did not need to meet with her again (because I already see a therapist weekly) but urged me to make an appointment with my psychiatrist towards the end of the pregnancy to discuss putting me on antidepressants before I deliver so they will already be in my system to ward off possible postpartum depression (for which I’m at a higher risk). I told her I’d definitely do that.

At my OBGYN’s I got my first pants-on-tummy-ultrasound. I guess no more dildo cam! I felt like I had graduated when she pulled the regular ultrasound out. Frijolito looked considerably bigger than just a week ago, with fingers and toes clearly visible. He/she was also moving around quite a bit, so much so, in fact, that the picture is not very good at all. After the ultrasound I got all of my questions answered (mostly because I had emailed them to her ahead of time, at my therapists recommendation). I have to say, I am sad that being a part of Kaiser, I have very little control over my birthing experience. I’m trying not to think too much about that, as I have many months before I need to face those issues.

At the end of the appointment my doctor suggested I cancel my existing December 3rd appointment and push it back, at which point I broke down crying and basically begged her to let my keep it. I told her that I still have so much anxiety about losing this pregnancy and coming in every two weeks to get it checked out goes a long way in easing my mind. She was very kind and said that was fine. By December 3rd I’ll be two days away from the famed 12 weeks so I hope that everything looks okay then. Since this appointment I scheduled my NTU, which is part of the genetics screening I will be doing. That appointment had to be made in the middle of December so I will have another ultrasound 2 weeks after the next one. I hope by then I’m feeling confident and I start getting annoyed at coming in all the time. These appointments are at very annoying times and because they are in the city, and I work on the peninsula, I have to take the entire day off, no matter when they are. I guess it’s a good thing I won’t be taking any maternity leave because I’ll have very few sick days left by the time even my first trimester is over.

All joking aside, I’m beginning to realize that I have a serious problem with anxiety and it only seems to be getting worse. I thought by 10 weeks I’d be feeling better. I have a book on miscarriage (Avoiding Miscarriage) that cites a “very large study” that concluded that women who saw the heartbeat at 10 weeks had a 1% chance of losing the pregnancy. Even armed with that statistic I’m still sometimes paralyzed with fear that something will go wrong and it will completely destroy me, my relationship and my life. I’ve been operating under the assumption that this anxiety would lessen after the first trimester but as I get closer it only seems to get worse. For the first time I’m feeling frustrated at my own anxiety and also fearful that it will adversely affect my pregnancy. I know I need to find ways to introduce calming thoughts into my repertoire of constant worry, but I don’t know how. There are surprisingly few books dedicated to anxiety during pregnancy, and most deal with issues that arise much later during the third trimester. I’m sure I’ll appreciate those books in three or four months but right now I need something very different.

So I continue to struggle with sometimes crushing fear and doubt. I’m working closely with my therapist on this, but I’m finding it increasingly upsetting. I really hope that I don’t have to take some kind of medication to control this anxiety in the near future, but I will be open to that if it’s suggested to me by professionals. In the meantime I’m going to try other methods and hope they work. If anyone can suggest any resources to help me with this, I’d very much appreciate it.

I hope you’re all doing well. Thanks for hanging in there with me through this winding road. I hope I don’t sound ungrateful for what I have, because that could not be farther from the case. I am just struggling to accept uncertainty with grace instead of rage against it with unrelenting worry.

BUENAS NOTICIAS – I watched Changeling the other day and really, really enjoyed. I’m still thinking about that movie. Also, I only have work for two days next week! You can’t beat that!

I think it rather obvious that it has been quite some time since I blogged. I have been flirting with the idea of just deleting this blog, but have decided against it. The thing is I don’t typically blog when I don’t feel bad, and quite frankly, I just haven’t had the time. But I suppose I can challenge myself to at least post something regularly. The way I feel now though, it will be less complaining on my part and more free writing I suppose. Kind of like the inner workings of Ari’s mind. Tis a scary place!

My apologies to all those blogs I typically read that I have all but abandoned. I do hope you are doing well. I just need to figure out how to subscribe to these blogs!

So what’s been going on with me? I have now won the battle with my pdoc to get the Seroquel. And finally I seem to have found some meds that work. My therapist and I have been discussing the idea of my possibly having ADD. Honestly, I think I’ve had it all through childhood. I just think no one ever noticed because I wasn’t disruptive and I pretty much kept to myself as a kid. It would make sense since I have often heard of Bipolar Disorder co-occuring with AD(H)D. Of course, since as long as my bipolar is under control I can typically focus at work, I’m not even going to consider medication right now. I already take too much as it is! I have also pretty much tossed out any consideration of BPD. I think at one point I had Borderline Personality Traits, but have found ways to effectively deal with those aspects of my personality. They typically come out when I’m depressed, so as long as I stay stable I’m cool. There’s also a little problem with some Restless Leg Syndrome that my therapist really wants me to do a sleep study, but I don’t have the money for it right now. I’m even considering not doing therapy anymore just because of the money. And then not see the pdoc as often. Because I’m pretty sure come January I once again have to meet the deductible, which is $200.

It’s really interesting how my mental health journey has gone. I went from a psychiatric hypochondriac to a cynic, to accepting. For a little while there I doubted whether I even had Bipolar Disorder. I even got to the point where I hoped I didn’t have bipolar, which is unusual for me. In the past I have tended to overidentify with my disorders. Now, I just accept me as me. The fact that the medication helps me pretty much proves the bipolar diagnosis. And the ADD, that really makes sense, whether or not I ever get an official diagnosis, which probably would be better for me if I didn’t at this point. I just have to know what my limits are. Know that I am typically going to be hyperactive and super talkative. And I will always have a tendency to blurt out words before thinking and the inability to sit in long meetings or presentations. I can now only read in short bursts. I will sometimes have a hard time focusing. And once in awhile I may face some anxiety. Although lately I have been hyperfocused, which is unusual for me. I think it’s that I have followed my therapists advice and do things as small tasks now. That keeps me from getting anxious or procrastinating. So kudos to her!

Life is pretty good right now, despite the financial stresses. I just keep hoping that universe will provide and I know no matter how hard it is, I’m where I’m supposed to be.