“I get the urge for going
When the meadow grass is turning brown
Summertime is falling down and winter is closing in”

– “Urge for Going” by Joni Mitchell

Autumn in northern Michigan

Is anyone else feeling the pull of wanderlust this week? I never consciously think of fall as a season for travel; I associate summer with travel because of summer vacations past. But every time I hear Joni Mitchell’s “Urge for Going” I am overcome with a need to shuffle out of town with the rustling leaves. Joni captures so perfectly the melancholy of autumn. She strains to break free of it by up and leaving, physically moving away from lost loves, lost seasons, lost moments, but she also revels in it the way a small child jumps into a pile of leaves, knowing the damp rot is a necessary accompaniment to the sweet smell and ticklish embrace of the swept-up pieces of red and brown.

Autumn is my favorite season, and this year more than any other I’ve heard a lot of people saying the same thing. I think part of that has to do with this particular year for weather, since we had such an abbreviated summer that any sunny and mildly warm day in the fall is greeted with great enthusiasm. But there’s also the excitement of change, the sense that whatever pattern we lulled ourselves into in the heavy heat of summer can now be broken free of. Fall is when school starts up again, which of course was set to coincide with the harvest schedule on farms, so the growing season ends as the learning season starts. I like that we still follow this schedule, even though so many of us are completely removed from the seasonal rhythms of farms, because it recognizes the cyclical nature of the year–one thing ends, another begins, and both are cause for celebration. Even as we’re breaking free of some comfortable summer pattern, it’s not that that pattern was wrong or undesirable. It’s just that its time has come and gone, and now it’s time for another pattern or set of activities.

Ask anyone in my family and they’ll tell you what a hard time I have with change, especially with traditions. One year, my British grandparents were in town for Christmas, and the flurry of activity surrounding their visit somehow didn’t include decorating the tree. No one else was bothered, but the idea of having a Christmas without this part being the same as it was every other year made me want to cry. Finally, it was Christmas Eve, and I was about ready to bury myself in the snow rather than look at that unadorned tree any longer, so between the two church services, we pulled up the heavy wooden box from the basement and hung ornaments until that tree shone. I still get teased for that one.

The Findley Family Christmas Tree, circa 2005

Which is to say that accepting change as a natural and beautiful part of life has not been easy for me. I like making lists, I like things in order, I like knowing where I stand at all times. But autumn is a great reminder that this simply isn’t sustainable. Trees that just days before were full of green life are now thinned with yellow, and soon enough they’ll be waving their bare branches at the sky. If I spend all my time mourning those green leaves, I’ll miss the joy of the yellow ones, and even the stark beauty of the spindly brown branches. Metaphors aside, it’s true in my life as well; I was heartbroken to not marry T, but I became a more interesting person who I’m happy to spend time with because of it. I thought my first job was necessary for my career and didn’t want to leave for the opportunities I thought I’d miss if I did, but when I left I moved to the city and found a good group of friends and a sane job that were more important than succeeding in a dying industry.

I’m not saying everything happens for a reason. I can’t believe that and look at the daily tragedies so many people have to endure. And Zeus strike me down if I sound like a self-help book. But I do think that many changes that I used to fear–probably even the ones I still fear–can yield surprising results. They’re not always even better results, but just as my shadow grows longer with the lengthening of the nights, they are different; change of some sort is as inevitable as summer turning into fall. This is why autumn is my favorite season. I’m reminded every year that the world is in a state of constant flux, and there’s beauty to be found in all those changes.

Of course, those changes do awaken my wanderlust, previously lying sleepy in the long, sunny days of summer. As I walk around Humboldt Park on a crisp afternoon or mix up a cup of cocoa in the evening, part of me is appreciating the sights and sounds of Chicago this time of year, and part of me is wondering what it feels like in Morocco right now. Here’s a change my teenage self would never have believed possible: I can be perfectly content where I am and still long impossibly to be a thousand miles away. For now, like Joni, I “get the urge for going, but I never seem to go,” but you and I both know that soon enough, that too will change.

Carnation

Andere beherrschen erfordert Kraft.

Sich selbst beherrschen fordert Stärke.

Laotse

*

]]> http://bybe.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/melancholia/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 20:16:07 +0000 mccowan http://bybe.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/melancholia/

I was seated on the shore of Lake Michigan, perched on a rock with the lapping water just a few feet away. There was little wind and so the waves crested only when reaching the shore and I had a gentle rhythm lulling me into thought. My mind wandered to Edvard Munch’s Melancholy and I felt myself there. Perched with head in hands, I longed to find something to focus on. The trees in the distance; a wavering, dusk-shrouded building in a far-off city further down the coast; the details of the rocks beneath my feet.

Like the man in the work, I shrugged and let slide the mantle of everyday appearances and allowed myself, if only temporarily, to bring the raw emotions to the fore. I was not sad but sober, not depressed but pensive. Ah, the Frieze of Life as Munch called his works. A Poem about Life, Love and Death. To think of such things in the autumn air and to close ones eyes and be the painting.

In time, I stood and moved along, continuing my slow amble, thoughts turning further in my head.

Edvard Munch - Melancholy (1894/95)

pointless. meaningless. empty. weightless.

how i feel of life, lately.

get a grip. get a grip.

why do i feel like this every once in a while?

]]> http://alishablogs.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/a-glimpse-of-me/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 06:21:18 +0000 Alisha http://alishablogs.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/a-glimpse-of-me/

Usually, in my idle moments, I love to lie in bed and rifle through my stacks of diaries. My diaries portray a tragic young woman…I couldn’t bother to jot down the fun filled moments, no,  periods, of my life. So if there were 56 entries in it, the rest of the 300 days would have been spent in bliss. Ah, the ‘problems’ teenagers face!

However, my last year at my old school was marginally different to all the years spent there. It was a year that I will never forget because despite everything that I went through in the later years… nothing tops this. It was plain horrible.

****************************

[4 years ago]

I should have been in better spirit after knowing that our Physics period was free on account of the teacher being absent. That way, I could test myself by doing a few Past Papers. But as much as I tried to concentrate on the paper in front, I couldn’t help but hear the giggles of  my ex-best friend and  ex-close friend. Their giggles reminded me of the recently changed state of affairs, and that was  excruciatingly distracting. I gave up trying to make my brain figure out Algebra; it was too busy trying to solve the mystery of the sudden turn in my relationship with my friends. Two weeks before I along with the rest of my family had returned home after we bid a tearful goodbye to YM; it was just two months after her wedding and it felt like hell leaving her there.

Returning back, I found it impossible to study for my Year End Grade 9 exam, which was starting the very next day. Always an A student [B once in a way], I found that I just couldn’t sit for the exams without a week’s preparation in hand. Getting low marks was the horror of horrors for; it just didn’t go down in my book. After a great amount of force from teachers and parents, I agreed and did the first paper. Naturally, I felt completely out of depth and felt just 2 feet tall after completing it. At home, as I studied, I looked through what I should study. I had Math the next day and it was impossible to go through several hundred pages of equations and sums before that. I couldn’t concentrate; my family and I were missing YM terribly and I just felt like I needed time to accept it. Cramming for the exams was just impossible. It was after Maghrib [7-8pm] and I had only managed to study a 10% of my syllabus. Not knowing what to do, I had a meltdown. I panicked, the first of the many to come in the coming months.

Despite the tears and despair, I sat for my Math exam on Friday. I got even more miserable; I found myself feeling completely helpless when answering most of the questions. I couldn’t relate to this new Alisha, who knew next to nothing and would come last in the class. I hated feeling stupid and unintelligent. Knowing that I had no time to study didn’t make a difference, I thought, A fail is a fail.I couldn’t take it anymore during the weekend; I had Chemistry and Bio on Monday and it was virtually impossible to study all the O level notes of chemistry then. I remember crying to myself, wondering whether I should breeze through all the notes or study a part of the notes properly, because with the little time I had, I could only do either one, so I make up my mind to study a section of the notes as thoroughly as I can. Then I think again, what if the chemistry paper is set on notes that I hadn’t gone through, I would get something like 10 out of 100!! It was unthinkable. I cry with my face buried in the pillow, This is my year end exams! If I get low marks, they will FAIL me!!!

That was my ultimate fear: The school will fail me. Demotion was a constant terror in my mind and I could find no escape out of it. I had spoken to the principal over the phone and when I asked her whether she’ll fail me, she said, ‘You do the papers, let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.’ In retrospect, I realise that even if I had done badly they would have promoted me and she hadn’t said that to me because then I wouldn’t have really studied for my exams had I known I would pass anyway. But right then, this did not dawn on me. I thought that she meant if I got marks ranging around 50, she would allow me to pass. But I ‘knew’ my marks would be bordering on the 20’s and not preparing for my exams would not stand as an excuse since I should have started earlier according to the perfect student book.

So, that weekend, I felt like I was drowning. I called up my friends and all of them seem to be revising. There was no hope for me. If I did the exams, I would get poor marks. I would fail then since my principal would have expected better results than my 20’s. It kept on repeating itself throughout the weekend, and in the end I just gave up studying. I decided that I will not attend the rest of the exams. That way, I hoped, they would put together a different set of papers for me later, and I would be prepared by then.

No one could really understand what I was going through. They  couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just do the freakin’ tests. They couldn’t understand my fear that I would do badly. You can’t do that badly, they said, you are a very good student.  This made me even more determined  to stick to my decision; I cannot let them down by faring poorly.

I felt like the biggest coward in the entire world. I had chickened out. To say I was feeling down would have been an understatement. I wished that I had never said yes when my parents wanted me to come to London to see my sister off, not wanting to disrupt their plans. I wished I had been a little selfish and decided to stay at home, not caring that that means my mother would have to stay behind too. But…I knew I would have never been able to do make such a callous decision. But I kept thinking in those days, where did I go wrong? Where? Should I have sat for my exams? But wouldn’t I have failed then? Round and round these thoughts went in my head, never finding a proper answer.

The week after the exams were over I spoke to my close friend[Let's call her Zayna].I can’t remember how we got into talking about friendship but  I clearly remember that Zayna told me that she feels more closer to my best friend [Let's call her Maryam] than me. I felt quite hurt and shocked but let it pass although wondering what made her choose her over me whereas she used to regard us equally [or so she said] before. She explained that it has got nothing to do with me but she realised that she clicks with Maryam than with any other. She realised that during my absence. But I was stunned when she said Maryam feels the same.

I asked her, trying not to show the shock in my voice, ‘Does she feel the same?‘. My friend replied softly, oblivious to my feelings,’Yes, she does.’ I hung up, with enough dignity as I can muster. I called Maryam, explained what Zayna said and asked, trembling ‘ Is that feeling mutual?‘ And she said, sighing ‘How can you think that, Alisha?! Of course not.’ Relief flooded my veins. How could I have ever doubted my  sincere and forever loyal Maryam? I spoke to her for an hour or so, letting out my grief about why Zayna has distanced me. She said it could be because of they got to spend more time together when I was in London. I went to bed, feeling misery, now doubled, washing over me.

The week after that, when talking to Maryam on the phone, I realised she was trying to hide the fact that she enjoyed being with Zayna while I was away. Amused, I said that it’s okay, that she likes to be with Zayna. However she misinterpreted it ‘Oh Alisha!! You know me too well! I DO feel more closer to Zayna than you…when you were in London, I was feeling so lonely and missed you a lot. She helped me and…we got closer. I didn’t want to upset you which is why I said no when you asked me the other day.’ I listen to her and comfort her,feeling dazed throughout the conversation. I couldn’t even get mad at her because she thought I knew all along and I was trying to coax it out of her. That night, I slept with tears in my eyes thinking…how quickly things change.

To be continued…

Middle of World

Der Charme hat seinen Sitz in der Seele.
Sigmund Graff

*

]]> http://angemaline.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/134/ Sun, 22 Nov 2009 02:24:37 +0000 angemaline http://angemaline.wordpress.com/2009/11/22/134/

1. Angeline Kurmann
2. Martin Lorenzo Pagdanganan
3. Julius Villa-real
4. James Khu
5. Sung ho Lee
6. Aileen Lee
7. Julian Lim
8. Paul Torkington
9. Peter Teoh
10. Jessica Nghiem
11. Patrick Villareal
12. Dianne Perez
13. Edith Chow
14. Sophia Lee
15. Wei Ge
16. Lillian Luu
17. Trevor Bulwan
18. Mia Nguyen
19. Cassandra Nguyen
20. Mylee Vien

1.How did you meet number 1 (Ange)?
Through the Patty Boys. I was always curious about this other Angeline entity (especially as I grew up convinced that I was the only one in the whole wide world to have my name… mine!)

2.What would you do if you never met 14 (Sophia Lee)?
Not have as much fun as I could at work!

3. Would you date 19 (Cassandra Nguyen)?
Familia, compadre! So, non…

4. Have you ever seen 8 cry (Paul)?
Never.

5. Would 3 (Julz) and 13 (Edith) make a good couple?

No, Julz is already in one of the most perfect relationship I know. And they have nothing in common. If anything, I would put them together in the same room, just to see how two completely different people with opposing sets of views interact. Hahah, social experiment.

6. Describe 6 (Aileen).

She’s friendly, so friendly… She can catch you in a conversation and hold your attention, even if you’re a stranger to her and therefore, have technically nothing to talk about. And I don’t know how many times I’ve been rushing around uni, only to bump into her and end up talking for ten, fifteen minutes easy.

7. Do you like 16 (Lillian)?

I do, very much. I look up to her and she inspires me… unknowingly, of course. FB stalking =)

8. Do you think 7 (J Lim) is attractive?

No eyebrows makes for an attractive person, sure..

9. When was the last time you talked to 19 (Cassie)?

Twenty minutes ago when I wandered outside of my room. She’s taken over my living room.

10. How did you meet 5 (Sung)?

At my last job.

11. Where does 15 live (Wei)?

I’ve actually no eye deer!

12. What is the best thing about 4 (James)?

His sense of humour. Never fails to make me laugh.

13. What would you like to tell 11 (Patty cakes) right now?
I hope this is alright.

14. What is the best thing about 10 (Jessums)?
There’s too many good things about Jess, and it’s hard to figure out if any of them are winning the fight to be the “best”. Some of (the very few) good things about Jess is her easy going nature, her ability to get along with all of the friends I introduce her to (and there’s been a lot!), her open mindedness, non-judgmental nature… It’s all there.

15. Have you ever kissed 18 (Mia)?
NOO.

16. What’s the best memory you have of 9 (Pete)?
Our lifegroups together. He was The First One to get me thinking about loife and Christ. And I mean, really thinking…

17. When is the next time you are going to see 12 (Dianne)?
At the next partay, most likely, that’s the only time I ever see her.

18. Is 15 pretty (Wei)?
Extremely.

19. What was your first impression of 5 (Sung)?
Good things. I thought he had good stories to tell, and it was great to have him linger and chat with.

20. Is 13 your best friend (Edith)?
Not even close.

21. Have you seen 16 (Lillian) in the last month?
No, but I don’t think a lot of people have, too busy travelling everywhere and saving the world.

22. When was the last time you saw 14 (Sophia)?
Wait, about two weeks ago! How did that happen, where’d she go?! O.o

23. Have you been to 2’s (MARTY) house?
MOST DEFINITELY. I used to go at least twice a week. That’s not going to happen anymore, now that he’s in Noo Dork =(

24. When is the next time you’ll see 10 (Jesp.)?
Tonight, at six PM if she’s ontime. Planning for Tasmania/Melbourne over the New Years and early ‘10.

25. Are you really close to 12 (Di)?
We’ve had about 5 conversations in the whole time we’ve known each other, so no. No, I don’t think so.

26. Would you give 6 (Aileen) a hug?
Always do, anyway =)

27. Have you ever been to 17’s (Trevor) house?
No, which is strange as he lives literally 6 houses away. And has a pool. But summer is coming up so… I guess I will!

28. Do you know a secret about 5 (Sung)?
Nope.

29. Describe the relationship between 13 (Edith) & 14 (Sophia).
Non-existent.

30. What’s your friendship like with 8 (Paul)?
AWESOME. We’re each other’s secret keeper. He’s my confidant and friend and on Sunday nights, fellow worker.

31. Have you ever danced with 18 (Mia)?
Not that I can remember, but it doesn’t seem probable.

32. How do you know 20 (Mylee)?
High School.

33. Does 19 (Cassie) have a bf/gf?
Yes? >=/

34. Have you ever wanted to punch 11 (Pat) in the face?
Yes, and I’m sure I have as well…. *gulp

35. Has 4 (James) ever met your mother?
Yep.

36. Have you traveled anywhere with 2 (Marty)?
If he weren’t in NYC then maybe we could this summer! Sulking aside, a trip to the Gold Coast is part of his Graduation/Christmas/Birthday present!

37. If you gave 7 (Julz) $100 on what would he/she spend it on?
Books? Artwork. Paints?

38. What’s your best memory of 16 (Lillian)?
Santos, yum yum =9

39. What is the one thing you want 20 (Mylees) to know?
I’M SORRY =(

40. What is the last thing you did with 17 (Trevor)?
Congratulated him. And got him to look after my house filled with drunk, happy teenagers.

41. Where did you meet 9 (Petaaah)?
Wesley.

42. What do you wish for 14 (Soapie)?
Good stuffs.

A fantastic indie film shot in San Francisco. Gives the viewer a look into the way two newly acquainted people spend the day in the city after a one night stand. ‘Medicine for Melancholy‘ includes stylish cinematography, fine dialogue, and the characters have a wonderful on screen chemistry. This movie is quite sexy and fun. Recommended.

Into the Light

In jeder Minute, die man mit Ärger verbringt,

versäumt man sechzig glückliche Sekunden.

William Maugham Somerset

*

]]> http://panoplia.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/mansize-island/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:17:45 +0000 dr.Uqbar http://panoplia.wordpress.com/2009/11/20/mansize-island/

of wolf and girl II by ~graemo

Ανακάλυψα πως η αίσθηση του κυνηγημένου ζώου που με κατέλαβε ξαφνικά πριν μερικές ημέρες, δεν ήταν κάτι τόσο βασανιστικά ανυπόφορο για τον εαυτό μου.
Αντιθέτως, νομίζω ότι με ξεκούρασε λίγο, φέρνοντας με πιο κοντά σ’ εκείνο το μέρος του εαυτού που συνήθως υπολειτουργεί κατά τη διάρκεια της ημέρας και ενεργοποιείται όταν το υπόλοιπο σώμα κοιμάται, ανίκανο να το ελέγξει ή να το καταπιέσει.
Σ’ αυτή την κατάσταση, που είναι κάπως σαν ψυχικό hangover, ένοιωθα να μην αντέχω την οπτική επαφή με τους άλλους. Είχα επίσης την αόριστη συναίσθηση ότι όλοι γύρω μου παίζουν έναν προσποιητό ρόλο, τον οποίον αποποιούνται το βράδυ στο σπίτι τους, όταν βάζουν πυτζάμες και αγκαλιάζονται με τους παρτενέρ τους, δίχως make up πια, και αναρωτιούνται αν εκείνος που κρατούν στην αγκαλιά τους υποκρίνεται κι αυτός.
Έσκαψα μια τάφρο γύρω μου και κούρνιασα στη μέση του νησιού μου.
Κανείς δεν μπορεί να ζήσει προσπαθώντας μονίμως να μαντέψει την πραγματική υπόσταση των πραγμάτων. Κανείς για πολύ.

Έσκαψα μια τάφρο γύρω μου περιμένοντας τα κύματα μ’ ανοιχτό το στόμα.
Θα ‘ναι ωραία όσο κρατήσει…

Lilitha - Mrs.Pegasus

Mrs.Pegasus – where have you gone?

therapist says: “go on painting!”

So I do!

Worlds of Nature

Was wir wissen, ist ein Tropfen;

was wir nicht wissen, ein Ozean.

Sir Isaac Newton

*

…but it was pretty half empty to start…

Alright, in my case, that’s a lie. But it’s one of those lyrics I wish I’d written when I hear it. Since I was a kid, I’ve always tried to be a glass-half-full girl. I’ve been known to ask “what’s in it?” when asked which way I view life, which is indicative of both my being a smart ass and the way I actually feel. Personally, the temptation to fall into negativity has always been strong enough that I’ve had to consciously work to avoid it. Never one to give up my lifelong flirtation with cynicism, I often consider myself neither optimist or pessimist, but more of a realist.

And yet, I find myself struggling with rumination this semester (or is it season?) more than ever. Maybe it’s because I’ve been studying the negative effects of it in my Human Happiness class, but that seems so counter-productive…could I really learn how bad it is for me and then go off in my life and do it more than I already was? I’ve always been analytical, and I really don’t know if I get that because I grew up with a psychotherapist dad, if it’s because I’m a woman (I hear we analyze/obsess more than the boys…I wouldn’t really know, since I’m just me & can’t speak for them), or if it’s just part of my personality.

The past few weeks, I’ve really been feeling much more glass-half-empty than I usually do. And I know you might be thinking, it’s the weather, but I love the fall. It’s definitely my favorite season: I love the cloudy, overcast days. I love the rain, the cozy days or nights spent inside, bundled up with a good book and a glass of red. Forget spring fever – I love autumn so much, I often find I get a little boy-crazy amidst all the beauty this time of year. I love the colors of the leaves, especially the reds. And yet…here I am, unusually blue.

Aside from the idea that my soul is crying since it’s not raining as it should be (and yes…I’m mostly joking), I’m not really sure what’s been different lately to cause the change in my temperament. The only solution I can think of…well, you’re reading it. I’m in need of a an attitude adjustment, and the only way I can think of to go about it is to refocus my lens to the positive side of my life.

Issue #1: My job can be really stressful. In the restaurant industry, wealthy people (tourists and locals alike) often find it appropriate to treat servers like the “hired help”. Chefs are notoriously ego-maniacal, and trying to balance the concerns of both the staff and the owners is undoubtedly stressful for management. It’s been something of a nightmare the past few months…but, it is getting better. More importantly, being one of the senior-most employees has its perks: they really let me work whenever I want and no more. They’ve always been good about working around my school schedules (which, as you can imagine, change with every passing term) and many requests off to go play whenever possible. Aside from that, it’s the kind of job I can work a day or two a week and still make my car payment. There is a bright side, and when I think about it, it’s brighter than the dark side.

Issue #2: Living with a family member can be an emotional mine field. In my case, this is a mutually (financially) beneficial situation, so we both stick it out. It’s frustrating, though. It’s a complete clash of personalities – I love time to myself, space, peace, quiet time – she loves chatter, noise, conversation, company. Furthermore, she hasn’t had a lot of others to satisfy her social nature in the past year. In other words, it’s all fallen to me. I wish I could say I’ve handled it with grace, but…unfortunately, I can’t. I tend to have a short fuse with her, which of course makes me feel awful after the fact. We’ve been at each others’ throats for so long, I can barely remember what it was like to get along harmoniously. What I do remember is living alone, and I’m missing it like crazy. But as I’ve already mentioned, this is an ideal situation for me financially, so I need to make it work. I don’t pay rent, and when you’re a 30-year-old college student, that’s an enormous blessing. This arrangement has allowed me to buy a new car (a hybrid I wouldn’t have been able to afford, which is both greener for the planet – which is important to me – and saves me a small fortune in gas money, considering how much I drive), which allows me to work only when I need to. The bright side to this is there’s an end in sight. She’s got a new job that seems to be going well, so maybe the interaction with new people will get her enough social interaction that things can return to normal between us. Furthermore, she won’t be in the house nearly 24/7, which will give me the quiet time and solitude for which I’ve been so desperate.

Issue #3: I’ve had this crazy emotional attachment to someone I couldn’t have for far too long. I’ve recently made the decision that enough is enough. While I was convinced it was mutual on some level the entire time, I’m tired of wasting my life, spinning my wheels. I always tell my friends to choose themselves – it was time to take my own advice. While I know it was time for me to sever this emotional tie, it’s a weird place to be in when you’ve basically made the chance to cause yourself a heartache. The bright side? No more extraneous relationship baggage, no more “it’s complicated.” It’s quite simple, really. Even if I wasn’t imagining the way he felt, that’s not enough. I deserve someone who’s capable of actually being with me, telling me how he feels. I’m not waiting in line to live my life. I have always said life isn’t a spectator sport, and this was one of the few areas of my life that I wasn’t practicing what I preached. Enough is enough, it’s time to open myself up to possibilities and see what life has in store for me.

Issue #4: School is kicking my ass. I don’t know what kind of fool takes 17 units at a school like UC Berkeley and then also tries to work several days a week and commutes a minimum of 45 minutes each way. I took 16.5 units one semester while in community college, but…it’s not quite the same. Cal is no joke, these classes are tough and require me to put in far more effort than I really had to at a JC. The bright side here is easy, though. Actually, there are several: one, I’m managing. I’m facing the last few weeks of the term, and I’ve come this far – I know I can make it to the end. Furthermore, not only am I somehow keeping my head above water, I’m actually doing pretty well. I’ve never been a girl who really had to have straight As, I’ve been a typical As & Bs girl. At Cal, I’ve always thought Bs were good enough. And miraculously, I’m managing pretty straight B+s this semester…I really don’t know how, but I’ll take it! And finally, though I have one more jam-packed semester ahead of me, there is a light at the end of the tunnel: one more semester, and I’ll be done with my BA. This has been a long time coming, and I’m so excited to move into the next chapter (pun intended) of my life – writing a book.

There are definitely smaller other issues I could go on about, but the truth is…my little science experiment (if you will) has done the trick. I don’t feel like I have so much to whine about anymore. I have lots of things going for me, and I need to get in the game. Now, what to do about the lack of rain…

yes, I’ve found a lot of oysters these days…and with all comes a pearl and a pretty hard shell to break… (Matt Duke, “Oysters”)

"My Soul: A Self-Portrait"

Don’t the trees look like crucified thieves?
–Warren Zevon, “Desperadoes Under the Eaves”

Hey, guess what? The Daily Wrazz is a year old! Hey, guess whatter? This is my hunnert post! Even with dismal math skills, you’ll quickly deduce that my blog hardly qualifies as “daily.” But with a considerable graveyard of ditched verbiage in my digital past (I bore so easily — myself and others), the fact this sucker still exists is a monumental achievement.

Especially when you consider that every year at this time I sit and calmly await the onset of my annual melancholy. Well, that’s what I call it, but to be honest I’ve never been able to differentiate between melancholy and sloth. But it hits like clockwork every winter. Back when your roving scrivener was ankle-high to an AP History textbook, this would usually be the time my grades started slipping. I’d lose interest in scholastic regimen and let my homework fester like a PBJ forgotten atop a radiator. My responses to test questions — even the essay portions at which I excelled (flush am I with B.S.) — may as well have been glum variations on “What’s the use?” Compounding that was a heart heavy with pant and pine as I’d gaze into the living-room fireplace, wondering what it’d be like to unfasten a brassiere in its erotic crackle.

I don’t know what causes it. Perhaps it’s the trees, stripped of their loveliness, dead to me, dead to us all. Perhaps it’s the puffy winter garments that turn me into a bloated potato, or the harrowing conditions I face as a lowly pedestrian when God spits ice down my block, coating every surface — even candidates for necessary balance — in embarrassment and pain. Also, I’m not a big fan of white everything, or the threat of white everything. Give me a gush of visual variety besides the numbed crimson of misery-laden cheeks (what an optimist calls “rosy”).

The sad thing is that I’ve no real reason to be sad. I’ve a steady job with a reasonable income, something I enjoy doing. Plus, I received two additional potentials today that please me greatly as an unrepentant capitalist. God, did I wanna blow some cash at the news. I compromised by dropping ten on a used copy 0f the late Robert Palmer’s (no, not this one) Deep Blues, which joins other tomes on my shelf of inspiration. Best of all, I have clean clothes for tomorrow, which is nice, considering I’ve slipped into the same dress shirt and high-school athletic tee two days straight. (That, I think, is the lazy part. Perhaps a shave’s in order too.)

The First Thanksgiving: So the Indians sat at the kids' table?

Even better: Thanksgiving lands next week. A most welcome respite of family interaction, wooly sweaters, acres of gravy bleeding through dark-meat dams, banter swimming through the pumpkin-cinnamon air, and, most importantly, leftovers, so’s I don’t gotta visit the 7-Eleven to fuel nocturnal scribbles. (NOTE TO SELF: Pitch to the empire a Cranberry Sauce Big Bite, drowned in gravy and stuffing chunks ’stead o’ gross, goopy chili [Stove Top squirts 'stead o' starchy bleats].)

Then, with the gobble growing rear-view faint, I can bust out the Christmas music proper: Dean Martin, Twisted Sister, Bootsy Collins. In the holiday spirit I could ask my father to loose the Cory Frye Archives, particularly my long-lost Screaming Santas EP, with its ever-so-festive rendition of Big Star’s “Jesus Christ.” Maybe I’ll excavate enough space in my apartment rubble — now that I’m finally making enough to afford it without my savings account giving me the finger — to park a Douglas fir, along with presents and flocking and sprinkles of glittery white shit I’ll be vacuuming up and blasting off socks ’til June.

Better yet, to make a little coin on the side, I’ll install a bad-ass speaker system and transform the whole of my lair into an exclusive club. Nothing snuffs wintry sadness like the Hustle, a VIP room and a humidor. But, then, what kind of cover should I charge? Should I make exceptions for acquaintances? Will crashers exploit my natural sympathy, tug at my conscience with pleas of “But it’s Christmas!”? What kind of world do we live in when your fellow man and even your closest friends are willing to take advantage of your hospitality like that? And since department stores hail the coming yuletide as far back as August 16, does that mean I’m up to my eyeteeth in freeloaders five, six months out of the year? Whatever happened to peace on earth, good will to men? Those fucks! Those evil pricks! You know what? Shit on Christmas, piss on winter, and butt-jack that fat, jolly consumerist propoganda icon with the fossilized remnants of our moribund American economy! Aw, hell, I’m gloomy again.

I spent most of the afternoon fighting back the tears. I would have happily allowed a healthy release if I hadn’t been at work. I came very close to losing it at one point, though, so I texted a friend just to sort of acknowledge it. It helped a little.

I’m not sure why I felt so sad today. I guess there’s always that part of you that wonders if a solution could have been met. If something could have been done to fix all the damage. In the past it never really felt over. Even when we were out of touch for months. There was always just enough hope there, and love, to keep it alive in my heart and in my mind. Today, the sadness indicated to me the finality of everything; it’s really over. My mind has known this for a very long time but my heart continued to hold on. But now, knowing that he feels the same way I have felt for so long; this mutual understanding that this had to end, gives me some much needed closure.

I’ve decided that I’ll take sadness over anger, any day. I have come to really hate those angry thoughts because I either end up turning it onto myself, or releasing it onto those in close proximity. And I hate doing that. The sadness feels uncomfortable but I know it’s not going to kill me. The anger scares me a little because I do things when I’m angry like consider revenge. Though, so far I haven’t acted on it, just think about it. Plan it out and play it out in my minds eye. It’s a good release.

But if it’s about choosing one emotion over the other, the worst for me is when I’m feeling totally numb. If numbness can even be counted as an emotion. Numbness frightens the crap out of me. Mainly because it’s so anti-me. It’s my total opposite because I am an emotional person. Not in the way where I am always crying, or screaming with uncontrolled excitement like those annoying high school drama geeks; that over-emotional-type. But I feel all kinds of ways, all the time. I don’t always show what I’m feeling at any given time. Much of the time I’m cool and collected on the outside, while an opera is playing out in my head. Perhaps it’s what makes me a good actor; being so in touch with my feelings. Not that I’m not surprised sometimes and caught off guard by some of them. But generally speaking, I know what I’m feeling most of the time.

Yesterdays exaltation gave way to todays dejection, but I know it’s normal and will pass with time. I’m getting used to living like this. With these constant highs and lows. What I wouldn’t give for some peace of mind, for a good long time. Back to the quiet calmness I enjoyed before the Train Wreck. The past year and a half have taken a lot out of me. It’s amazing how, with a healthy amount of distance, we go right back to (mostly) business as usual. This relationship however, with its constant on-again-off-again, no-time-to-catch-my-breath-STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF! tendency, had made it extremely difficult getting back to a healthy normalcy. But with any luck, now that it really feels over, I can get back to that place again

All the places I ve been but never seen
The man, the being , the soul unseen
The cheers & crowds
The plains and the desolate scene
The peers who scream they are proud to be friends
Oblivious to the fact that they didnt make it past the fence
The shell that shelters this vulnerable seed
Born to drought but free to feed
Longing savannah and fearing the blue
The ultimate melancholy like Haruhi Suzumiya
And after so many personifications who really becomes you ?

Written by: Heath Muchena

© HTMM ,2009 : Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given, and with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

I thought about it, and while very simple, my final project for c++ was actually too simple for me to feel like i deserved credit. So, despite spending a couple weeks on it, I have decided to return to work on my version of battleship as my final project. I’ve made one that works in Java, but I wasn’t very happy with it. It crashed unexpectedly sometimes, and wasn’t OO designed. In this version, I hope to re-make the game, this time with objects, and with a stronger AI system. Alot to do by myself I know, but I think I can handle is since I’ve done this before. So far I have the Board object underway. It works well so far, but for whatever reason when placing the ships it calls the function 3 times. very strange. next I need to work on a turn system and modifying the board to see ship sizes.

In music, I’ve decided to stop my mandolin lessons and return to guitar. Mandolin is fun but at the current time, not very useful. I’ve also decided to work on my left and right hand speed and accuracy. The piece I will focus on is Technical Difficulties by Racer X:

The intro in particular, focuses on a simple pattern, training my right hand speed and picking technique, as well as a short shred lick that will train my left hand accuracy. It helps that Paul Gilbert teaches guitar too, I’ll be watching more of his videos to see what I can do to help my progress.

I have had this in my head for weeks and finally made it yesterday. I used pieces of Murnau’s 1922 film Nosferatu and made this little tribute to one of my favorite songs off of Diamanda Galas’ La Serpenta Canta. When I can’t seem to get any real work done and I need to unwind, making these video montages becomes my art therapy.

I just posted five minutes ago. It may be improper blog etiquette to post more then once per day, especially on day one. This may cause a problem because I have so many things I want to say right at this moment that there is no way I see myself logging out of wordpress within the next hour. I want to explore, discover, and post my findings. I want to share what I want, what I love, and what I inspire to be.

The depressing aspect of this whole ordeal is that I am the only human on the planet that is going to read this little slice of the internet. There is no reason for others to stumble upon this. Its such a tragedy.

So I guess I say, let the post-a-thon begin…

Regret

As I reflect on paths not taken -
I stand remiss of the words I have left unspoken.
It is not that my heart ached more, or that my heart ached less
but that my heart aches now as I never imagined
how much my heart truly ached
- For you.

© Charles Coakley Simpson 2009