This is part 6 of my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series.

The author of the book, Doctor Gray, gives a very interesting analogy for he intimacy cycle of men: he says

they are like rubberbands. They pull back occasionally, but can only go so far before springing back. They have to pull away to get close and intimate again. If a man never pulls away, he doesn’t get the chance to feel the strong desire to be close again.

As they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder Unlike women, though, they do not need to get reaquainted before feeling close again. Once they shoot back, they are just where they were before (in terms of intimacy).

So what happens is, men get intimate and close, and then suddenly they feel the urge to pull away. They want a feeling of independence. Once they pull away, they may stretch quite far. Once they are fully stretched, they feel that strong urge and come back.

Why Men Pull Away

To put it simply, that’s just the way Allah made them

A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy (or independence).

Basically: men need their space. If you chase him while he is pulling away, he’ll never get to reach his limit and feelthat pull to be close again.

To a certain extent, a man loses himself through connecting with his partner. By feeling her needs, problems, wants and emotions, he may lose touch with his own self. Pulling away allows him to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel autonomous.

I actually think that women need this too – especially mothers!

Interestingly enough, men may seem to pull away precisely when women want to talk and be intimate. This occurs for two reasons:

1. A woman sometimes unconsciously senses when a man is  about to pull away, and then tries to reestablish the intimacy by trying to talk.
2. When a woman shares her more intimate feelings, it may trigger the man’s need to pull away. A man can only handle so much intimacy before his alarm bells go off, telling him to find balance and pull away.

It doesn’t have to do with the fact that she says these things that trigger his departure, but when she says it.

When to Talk

Obviously not when he is pulling away He’ll be loving and supportive soon enough and want closeness. and that is the golden oppurtunity to talk. By this time, women usually either are too afraid to talk from feeling rejected last time, or they are waiting for him to initiate conversation. Miscommunication, again.

Men don’t talk to share, but if a woman initiates the conversation and talks for some time (without him feeling blamed or pressured), a  man will start to open up as well. If a woman demands him to talk, she’ll turn him off by making him feeling interrogated.

A man who needs to pull away a lot before he can learn to share and open up will first need to listen a lot. He needs to be appreciated for listening, then gradually he will say more.

Directly getting a man to talk is not the best way. Start out by encouraging him to listen to you. Realize that Martians don’t feel the need to talk much. Let him know you appreciate him listening, so it’s important to let him know the listening is valuable to you.

It is more effective to teach a man to listen to open up and be vulnerable. As he learns to listen to someone he cares for and is appreciated in response, he gradually will open up and share more automatically.

How Women Punish Men for their Elasticity

Women often unknowingly obstruct a man’s natural intimacy cycle (his rubberband-ness, if you will ) by either chasing him when he is pulling away or punishing him for pulling away. They may exhibit either of these physically, emotionally, or mentally.

Physically chasing would of course be to follow him around. ”Emotional chasing”might be constantly worrying about him. Mentally chasing a man could come in the form of asking him guilt-inducing questions like, “How could you treat me this way?”

Physically punishing a man for his natural cycle could be by refusing him physical, or even sexual, intimacy. Emotional punishment would be disapproving of him. She may mentally punish him by refusing to open up after he returns.

All of these behavior are obviously very unhealthy for a relationship. Pulling away is a natural process for men. They should not have to feel guilty about it.

Wise Men & Women

At the same time, a man needs to keep in mind how his sudden pulling away affects his woman. Whenever he isn’t pulling away, he can take time to initiate conversation so taht she knows he is interested in her and he does care. Also, he should reassure her before pulling away by saying something like, “I just need some time alone. I’ll be back soon.”

A wise woman doesn’t give up on her man. She waits, because she knows he’ll be back in a snap

So…I was sitting around watching TV last night with my cousin…and he has cable, so I was super-excited that I could shift between The Office and Man v. Food and The Little Couple and Keeping Up with the Kardashians…

And as we were watching, Jen from The Little Couple talked about dating and said that she got to a point before she met Bill when she thought, “Maybe it’s just not going to happen for me…” and I thought, “Wow – I’ve been thinking that exact same thing…”

And then my cousin and I went back to Man v. Food and he said something like, “You should marry that guy. He lives in Brooklyn and he likes food.”

And, you know, I’ve seen Man v. Food before and I *have* thought that Adam Richman is kind of adorable. (I’ve also thought that he seems like a little bit of a manwhore, too, sometimes…but, then again, what hot-blooded New York male with a show on the Travel Channel isn’t a bit of a manwhore? [And I’m not so much of a prude that I can’t admit that if I was from Mars and didn’t hear my clock ticking loud and clear, I might be inclined to sow oats ‘til kingdom come, too…])

And…I also happened to be texting back and forth with a friend in Seattle last night…and I sort of busted his chops and he sort of busted mine and he finally wrote back something like, “You love me…” and I said, “I sure do…but, right this red hot minute, I’m also sort of loving Adam Richman…” and he said, “I’ll introduce you!” and I said, “Sure…great.” And he said, “No, really – I went to school with him…” and then I freaked out a little.

And, I mean, I realize the odds of it becoming Man and Lisa v. Food are pretty darn slim *and* that 2010 is supposed to be about me and me alone (to which my darling friend said, “Well, then I guess he’ll just have to pine away for you for twelve long months…”), but, heck, I’m not so much of a cynic that I can’t entertain the fanciful notion that maybe my friend has magical powers and/or got along super-well with Adam Richman at Yale and Adam Richman has fond memories of him and/or thought of him as something of a guiding life force and will listen with rapt attention when my friend says, “Hey, so, I have this adorable friend and you should meet her…” (I wasn’t sure whether my friend should lead with “adorable” or “pie-making” in his pitch, but my friend said adorable was the way to go…and then I pointed out that they say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach but my friend argued that it is actually anatomically lower and so I amended my intro-to-Adam-Richman phrase. But this is a family blog, so we’ll leave it at that.)

And, you know, maybe it isn’t totally crazy and that blurb from The Little Couple and my cousin’s comment were fortuitous…and maybe Adam Richman will be totally intrigued by my pornographic name and he will totally have his taxi light on. And maybe this explains why the universe has spewed such tremendous man-crap at me over the past several  years – maybe it was all so I would truly appreciate Adam Richman when I had him.

Besides, think about all that Adam Richman and I have in common: Aside from food and travel, we both live in Brooklyn, we both used to live in Atlanta, we both have master’s degrees from Ivy League universities, we both describe ourselves as “a bit on the husky side” (okay, okay…I don’t actually do that…but I *did* eat a lot when I was depressed this summer…) and we are both brunettes. If *that* doesn’t spell out, “written in the stars,” I don’t know  *what* does.

So…I am going to amend my 2010 resolution slightly and say that I am going to be happy with me…and Adam Richman, too, should he happen to fall in my lap.

(Either way, I am excited about 2010. The buck stops in 2009, folks. I was watching Jersey Shore – I know! I know! But I’m working on a story about how MTV is leveraging all the online buzz to drive ratings, so I *had* to – and, you know, there’s tons of dramz: Sammi [the self-proclaimed “sweetest bitch you’ll ever meet”] gets in a fight with Ronnie because she sees him dancing with a girl at Karma and so she gives her phone number to her cop-friend and J-Woww [the one with two-toned hair and renegade boobs] sees and tells Ronnie to go “check his girl” and then he gets upset and leaves the club and so J-Woww goes after him because she doesn’t want him to be alone, but then someone tells Sammi that Ronnie left with J-Woww and *she* gets upset and goes to the house, too, and finds Ronnie and J-Woww in the same room and it’s terrible [which, tragically, is precisely why Ronnie said his one and only rule was not to fall in love at the Jersey Shore!], but then Ronnie feels bad and follows Sammi into the guest room and they make up…and, sure, I’m probably not going to draw *too* many life lessons from Snooki and the gang, BUT…I *did* sort of find wisdom in Sammi’s comment when she was upset about Ronnie and the Mystery Lady from the club [who I think ended up going home with The (poor) Situation who has abs of steel but still can’t seem to close the deal?] and she said something like, “He’s with another girl? No. That’s it. I’m done.” I wish *I* had the gall to say, “Look at how completely amazing I am! If you’re stupid enough to screw things up, I’m moving on! There are plenty of other fish in the sea!” Although…I guess that can be part of my I’m-going-to-be-happy-with-me resolution.)

(Adam Richman, you’ve been warned…[but I mean that in the nicest way possible...])

Read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus by clicking on this link.

If it doesn’t work for you, please leave me a comment so I can have it fixed.

Self-talk is the message you tell yourself, the words you tell yourself about yourself, your spouse, your experiences, the past, the future, God. It is a set of evaluating thoughts about facts and events that happen to you. Your expressions of anger, ways of showing love, how you handle a conflict are motivated by conscious and sub-conscious self-talk. Most people believe that outside events, other people and circumstances determine their behaviors, emotions and verbal responses. Actually however, your thoughts are the source. What you think about these things and about people will determine the emotions you feel and the behaviors and verbal responses you express.

from “More Communication Keys for Your Marriage” by  Norman Wright.

I have been affected by my negative self-talk my whole life. I need to allow God’s word to correct my negative self-talk.

Please forgive me.

5 questions to ask yourself before you speak:

1. Is it kind?

2. Is it necessary?

3. Is it true?

4. Is it a gossip?

5. Do you intend to prove your own point or to listen to others?

By the end of the day, we won’t be saying anything at all.

I have lost the sense of it. I couldn’t understand how to handle this anymore.

Again, our car broke down and this time the engine casket was burned. It’s going to cost us a fortune to get it fixed. What are we going to do?

I was really upset when I received the news. Of course, I was worried about the students too and I called to check if everyone was alright. I know that God will bless us with the money we need but how should we handle the students who were supposedly care takers of the car.

This is not the first occurrence, and how could they not know what to do. Why didn’t they stop the car when they saw the temperature rose? Why didn’t they ask for help earlier? Why waited until it was too late?

I wanted to teach them a lesson. To let them bear the consequences of their actions. They need to know that every action has its consequence. We need to teach them the hard way.

Is this according to the bible? I know that to teach a child to be responsible, we need to educate her that every action has its consequence. Otherwise, decisions are made without much thought.

God please tell me what should I do?

I realized that I have been upset with my hubby because I know what he will do. We bear the costs ourselves and let the students off. No consequences, nothing learned, nothing registered in their mind. I don’t think I can accept this and I don’t want to initiate this discussion. However, I can’t talk to him if I don’t resolve this. I just don’t know what to do.

Hey you two…what’s new and exciting?

Well, for me, it’s the fact that we’ve finally sorted out my workshop – it’s organised and getting more and more kitted as every day goes by. I recently decided to turn my hand to something I’ve thought about trying for a long time – wood carving. Now this probably doesn’t sound exciting to the vast majority of you, but I’ve always enjoyed working with wood – something I inherited from granddad – when I was a kid, he was always cutting and sanding, chiseling and glueing, making shelves or cupboards or whatever else we needed. He even went through a stage where he was refurbishing antiques for a friend who owned an antique shop in Stellenbosch. So I grew up with the sound of the whining power saw blades, the smell of freshly cut timber and wood varnish, the funny smooth feel your hands get when covered in very fine sawdust…and I loved it. As you know, I’m a gadget geek in the worst possible way, and there’s nothing more exciting than a workshop full of hand and power tools!!

So, I’ve been spending lots of time in my workshop over the last few weeks – retreating into my man-cave.

Here are the latest results of this time spent whittling away the hours…nothing awesome, but stuff I’ve enjoyed working on and am reasonably happy with the results. The first one is a flower picture frame while the second one is a more traditional carving of an old man.

As much as I’m enjoying the carving and drilling, sanding and varnishing, the thing I enjoy most is the wood – I just love the wood! I popped into Rarewoods (a fine timber merchant in Cape Town who have been around for decades) a while ago and drooled over the selection of beautiful woods they have. Unfortunately, it’s pretty expensive, but we did find a big cabinet full of sample pieces of wood that they were selling. These were all roughly the same size, labelled with the type of wood and selling for only R5 a piece. So, as at the time I wasn’t that sure what I wanted to carve, I bought a selection of 5 different wood samples. The carved face is in one of these samples – a lovely small piece of Pink Beech – beautiful grain and colouring and a great selection to begin carving with.

Granddad also told me of a place next door to Rarewoods. This other places sells loads of off-cuts and other odd bits of wood. I spent an hour or so digging through the bins and racks and came away with a lovely piece of some Madagascan hardwood. It was pretty expensive, but it was a big thick piece and the grain was stunning. I used about a fifth of the piece to make the Flower picture frame shown above. This was an idea I had a while ago, and I’m pretty chuffed with the end result…just need to get a proper photo to put in it rather than the crappy printout from our crappy printer on cheap paper that’s in there at the moment.

So why am I telling you all about this…well, besides just telling you for the sake of sharing, it’s also become very evident to me that my workshop has become my refuge…the place I can go to, to stop the mad cacophony of thoughts whirling through my mind every waking hour…it’s a place of solitude and escape, a place to lose myself in the simple and calming monotony of working with my hands, slowly creating something out of nothing, letting the mind focus on nothing other than making each cut correctly, sanding just so, sawing as straight as possible, varnishing without streaking…in other words, focussing on something other than Infertility.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in that workshop recently…retreating – you see, we’re off to see our new FS tomorrow afternoon. I had another set of blood tests on Friday and provided another ejaculate sample for analysis (seems silly to call it a ’semen sample’ until there’s actually some semen in it!). We haven’t got those results yet – we’ll probably get them tomorrow at the appointment.

It feels like another big intersection in this journey…I’m preparing myself for the worst, while desperately trying to smother any thoughts of ‘what-ifs’ or any stray glimmers of hope that may peek out from under the shroud of sadness and despair I seem to be under. The longer this journey goes, the more desperate I am for you guys to be my biological children. Before I even went to see the GP at the very beginning of the year, I said to your mom that maybe we should just skip all the tests and drama and go straight to a sperm donor…and I wasn’t joking – at the time, it seemed like a very logical thing to do and I was fine with doing that – saving myself from the ordeal of the tests and examinations I knew would be coming my way if I even started down that path. I was fully prepared to go straight down that route…But the further along we get down this road now that we elected to investigate the possibilities of me producing sperm, the more intense is my yearning to have my own genetic children. I don’t know why, but that’s just how it is.

It’s not been a good week really. I had a couple of SNAIF’s leading up to Friday’s tests and have been a useless mope since then. We went to a friend of the family’s 30th birthday party on Saturday night – someone I’ve known all her life, but not really a friend – in fact, your mom and I actually more friendly with her parents. And there we were at the party, all dressed up – me in my tux and your mom looking fantastic in her black evening dress, and the highlight of the evening was a quick cuddle with my niece…(and at least she threw up on your mom and not me). The birthday girl’s daughter also put in an appearance – just 8 weeks old (or something like that) and as all the friends and family crowded round to ogle her, I sat in the corner staring at it all, fighting down the great big sobs that wanted to spew out of me – I felt totally pathetic. I felt like getting hopelessly drunk and making a great big scene – yelling at everyone telling them that life’s not fair, that how come they get to have their own children and I can’t…this journey is turning a fairly with it, together person into a raving bipolar lunatic!!

Your poor mom has been so busy at work and when she comes home, she has to deal with a sulky petulant miserable git…not sure what she did in a previous life to deserve this, but it must have been WAY BAD!! I’m sorry my angel, I’d say I promise to improve my mood, but not sure whether that’s going to be possible after tomorrow’s appointment…may have to give it a few more days.

So tonight, I feel like nothing more than getting into my scruffs, shutting myself in the workshop and losing myself in the joy of making sawdust. A few posts ago, I mentioned the ‘Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars’ philosophy and the theory that when guys are faced with a problem, they want to retreat into their man-cave and think things through…well, I reckon it’s pretty accurate in my case and that my workshop should have stalactites, bats and a soundtrack of those eerie little plink’s and plop’s of dripping water…and like a modern-day Fred Flintstone, I think I want to retreat into my man-cave and try and deal with these crazy emotions and shitty moods…so until next time…Yaba daba doo!!

This year convention really a memorable for me because first day I become a mad man.  Again I left my uncontrollable anger in front of my daughter.  But this time the target is not my wife – it is someone car park keeper.

I feel very bad at that night and I cry out to God.  I know I had carried the stress beyond I can bear on my shoulder.  God want me to pour out to Him.  Thanks God for His refreshing moment in the presence of God.  Many day pass I not able meet back the car park keeper.  But God really have grace and mercy to me and I met back him on Friday evening.  I really said sorry to him.

From the first day experience really remind me for Moses struck the rock rather than speak to the rock.  I believe Moses also have jump into the situation like I did at the first night.  Good experience for God to test me in this way.

You know, I have a superstition that any couple who enjoys a successful marriage and decides to cash in on that by becoming celebrity marriage counselors is cruising for a flaming public divorce. But the Man from Mars is still married to the Woman from Venus, so maybe I’m wrong.

I haven’t read ‘Going Rough’, I mean ‘Going Rouge’, I mean… whatever. It’s not on the shelf at the Rochambeau Library yet, but when it is I’ll check it out. Does that make me a socialist freeloading off the communal space? Let’s cut out the middleman, Sarah. Tell me what your percentage is and I’ll mail it to you.

There’s a gothic novel, or maybe a long-running soap opera like Dark Shadows, in the drama of the Palin in-laws. That is, her sister’s ex-husband, a State Trooper, who is deeply hurt by how he is portrayed in the book.

The Palin out-law will be found baring his soul in Playgirl. They never have that magazine at Rochambeau, and the kid’s got nothing I ain’t seen before so I’m not wasting five bucks. I’m more interested in what he says, but you can read that for free on the net.

John Gray, dalam bukunya “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” menjelaskan berbagai sebab apa yg terjadi antara Pria dan Wanita. Di buku ini digambarin pria yang berbeda asal-usulnya dengan wanita. Ilustrasinya adl, pria sebagai Martians (makhluk Mars), dan Wanita sebagai Venusians (makhluk Venus). Mereka hidup normal di planet mereka masing-masing, sampai ketika seorang Martians melihat seorang Venusians melalui teropong (gile teropongnya pasti canggih abis, bisa ngeliat orang di planet laen ).

Cuman sekilas ngintip dari lensa teropong canggih tsb, timbul perasaan yang gabisa diungkapkan dengan kata2 (halah dangdut! ). Intinya para Martians jatuh cinta dan langsung bermigrasi ke Venus buat ketemu langsung ama Venusians. Disana, mereka hidup bahagia dan harmonik layaknya Galih dan Ratna di lagunya D’Cinammons.

“Though from different worlds, they reveled in their differences”

—————

Oke guys! itu pembukaan yang cukup serius, and gw ngerasa ga nyaman bacanya saking seriusnya hahahahaha gw cuma mw nekenin di quote-nya : “Though from different worlds, they reveled in their differences“.

.

.

What kind of “differences“ ?

Salah satu perbedaan itulah yg akan gw tunjukin di komik singkat di bawah ini.

Firstly, gambar ini bukan gw yg bikin, gw nemu di internet tepatnya disini.

Kesamaan nama tokoh, sifat, kelakuan, dan tingkah laku dengan yang sebenarnya hanyalah kebetulan semata heheheheee

Oke langsung aja disimak

*repost from Kaskus

Just what is “Daddy Solidarity”?  I found myself thinking about this when confronted with the phrase recently.

I had taken my son to a toddler singing group. The term should be used loosely as it is generally the parents feeling liberated to sing songs, clap hands, bang on the floor etc. – whilst the kids run around the room.

Mothers & babies: An intimidating sight for any Dad!

This was on another of my all too rare (and fleeting) Monday’s off – my Daddy Day-Care-Day as I’ve mentioned in previous posts.

Now I’m used to the fact that on a weekday, with a child I’m a rarity.  Much as we like to think about what a modern country we are (and we’re getting there) Mums still outnumber Dad’s on the toddler-social-scene – and I like to think I live in a particularly ‘right on’ (think Guardian-reading) area.

So, at this singing group I was one of two Dad’s.  The other Dad was a belting stereo-type of the aforementioned Guardian reader – bearded and wearing what I’d bet my life  was a shabby-chic, Oxfam bought jumper.  However, we’d exchanged the faint nod of recognition that, of those above the age of three – we were the solitary representatives of our gender.

The ‘group leader’ – we’ll call her Vera – noticed this and gleefully announced to the group: “At least we’ve got a bit of Daddy-solidarity today.”

Polite laughter and smiles all-round – but I was slightly put out by this.  It was as if it was prejudged I’d be incapable of having solidarity with some mothers.

I know, I know – from Mars & Venus and all that but since the arrival of my son I’m quite good with mothers – one even lives in my house.  Heck, I grew up with another one!

It wasn’t meant as an affront – perhaps I’m too sensitive.

Stubbornness & cold stares

If I am its only because of scarring, still raw from my first foray onto the toddler social scene.

My son (now nearing two) hadn’t even reached his first birthday at this point.  Poor lamb was suffering terribly from teething pains but ignorant of the world-stopping power of teething I’d gone ahead and at my wife’s insistence, taken him to a play group style event at a nearby village hall-style venue.

My son was already in a dangerously fragile mood when we arrived.  The sight of a room-full of strangers, singing, shouting and general toddler mayhem (which he’s a more than noisy part of now) tipped him over the edge.

This t-shirt sums-up my son's feelings!

I’d lost him from that point already – but it was the patronising looks and pity-filled stares that made the stubborn arse in me blunder on.

The room was full of mothers (I was the only Dad on this occasion – a far more frequent occurence) and I could see it on all their faces: “Oh – he probably never looks after his son – doesn’t know what he’s doing.  No wonder the baby’s crying.”

I tried everything: toys; cajoling; cuddles; talking; reassuring; milk; in the pushchair; out of the pushchair; in a quiet room etc. etc.  (parents will be familiar with the plethora of options one comes up with when trying to soothe a crying child!)

None of it worked.  Of course it didn’t – my poor son was in pain from his teeth and I should have taken him home to bed.  I did in the end and Calpol’ed up he slept for an eternity.

There wasn’t much solidarity that day though – Daddy or otherwise.

One of the most encouraging books that I have read on marriage and relationships is by the best-selling author Gary Smalley, who has  sold millions of videos on how to strengthen our vital relationships.  John Gray, the well-known author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, comments: “If you want a lasting love relationship, I highly recommend Gary Smalley’s guide to forever love”.

One of the keys to his memorable books is that Gary teaches you how to fall in love with life all over again.  Everything he writes has to do with the age-old struggle between the life-giving principle of honour and the life-draining emotion of destructive anger.  The average person, says Smalley, has little or no idea how damaging that forgotten or ignored anger can be.  Worse yet, most people don’t even know how much destructive anger they have buried inside, much like unexploded landmines left in the middle eastern sands.  Once buried, our anger does its worst damage, wreaking havoc on our physical and emotional well-being.  Facing our anger is indispensable to Making Love Last Forever.

Anger, says Smalley, is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling.  It arises out of fear, frustration, hurt, or some combination of these three.  Anger is actually a coping strategy to attempt to banish fear from our lives.  Sometimes our parents have non-verbally taught us that perfect anger casts out all fear, when the truth is that only perfect love casts out all fear.

Smalley comments that anger can be thought of as a sticky, bad-smelling dangerous substance that can be compressed and stuffed into something like a spray can.  Angry people tend to go around spraying their anger on other people.  The spray is felt by others as meanness, insensitivity, and general offensiveness.  Most angry people have no idea that their angry spray stings others like hydrochloric acid.  Unresolved anger is the No. 1 enemy of Making Love Last Forever.

Some of us as men pride ourselves that we are not as other husbands, who physically beat up their wives in drunken rages.  Yet even if our anger never turns violent or illegal, unresolved anger can still prove destructive.  All of us want to feel connected in our primary relationships.  But one of the most common results of deep anger is relational distance, an unwillingness and inability to let others get close.  It is as if we are living inside a relational box of thick plate glass.  Yet we keep wondering as men why our wives won’t become more intimate.

Unresolved anger, says Smalley, is not only destructive to our families.  It is also destructive to our personal health. Many of the backaches, neckaches, and headaches that send us complaining to our GPs are actually the outworking of buried anger.  Anger studies were done on medical doctors and lawyers over a 25 year period.  By the age of fifty, only 4 percent of the low-ranked easy-going lawyers and 2 percent of the doctors had died.  Lawyers who had ranked high on anger had a 20 percent mortality rate;  doctors 14 percent.  Studies are also showing that angry people are more susceptible to heart attacks – the leading cause of death in North America.  Hostile anger can boost heart rates, raise blood pressure and lead to increased clogging of the arteries.  What’s worse, says Smalley, is that the risk of heart attack seems to be greatly increased during the two hours following a bout with anger.

Why do we get angry anyways?  Smalley suggests that we get angry because either someone is taking something away from us that we don’t want to lose, or else we’re being denied something we want to gain.  By facing and grieving our losses, we break the power of anger to make our lives miserable.

Part of healthy grieving is the willingness to lay aside bitterness, the willingness to say like Jesus: “Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing.”  Another key to grieving, says Smalley, is to search for “hidden pearls” in any offense committed against you.  The idea here is that some good can come out of any bad situation – if you’ll just look for it.  That’s why the Good Book says that all things work for the good for those who love the Lord.  Grieving our losses is an irreplaceable key in Making Love Last Forever.

I recently watched a most disturbing and enlightening movie entitled “The Field”.  It was about an Irish farmer who dedicated his life to providing for his family’s future.  But again and again his anger rose up to destroy everything and everyone that he loved.  Given my Irish heritage,  it was a strong warning to me that I had to face the anger in my life, or it would one day destroy me.

Unresolved anger can cripple us in so many ways.  Anger keeps us distant from the very people we want to care for.  In contrast, love builds bridges of trust and forgiveness.  Sometimes anger even keeps us distant from God himself.  Smalley has found that the greater the unresolved anger, the more difficulty that person has in developing a meaningful spiritual life.  Studies after studies are confirming that a healthy spiritual life in a marriage reduces divorce rates, increases marital satisfaction, and lowers the level of relational conflict.

My prayer for those reading this article is that each of us may discover the keys to Making Love Last Forever.

The Reverend Ed Hird

Rector, St. Simon’s Church, North Vancouver

Anglican Coalition in Canada

http://www3.telus.net/st_simons

-previously published in the Deep Cove Crier

-author of the award-winning book Battle for the Soul of Canada

http://www.battleforthesoulofcanada.blogspot.com

I get now that my husband is not alone…all men have issues.  My dad wanted me to drive him somewhere even though I am a few weeks away from my due date.  Then my husband tells me that if my labor takes too long that he will have to leave me and go to work.   I get that we need the money, but he took off from work the other day because he was stressed out.  I’m sure that his boss would understand if he didn’t come in because we are having a baby. 

I really hope that he is just talking smack and that he wouldn’t do that.  I’m not sure though…women are the nurturers, but men are so incredibly self-centered and selfish that it is astounding.  A friend once told me a story of a man who was oblivious to the needs of his wife who had cancer and how she still had to cook and take care of their two daughters despite her fatigue and nausea.  Probably that’s why there is so much war in the world- because men are not thinking about how other people feel, but only about themselves.  I would hope that I have the ability to instill a sense of empathy in my son.

We all know men are from Mars and women are all mental to varying degrees and that given an identical situation the two sexes will choose to tackle it in ways that are the polar opposite of each other.  Let us look at the example of packing a bag for, say, a seasons snowboarding in the Alps.

Male packing technique:

1. Open bag.
2. Fill bag with contents of wardrobe.
3. Realise on arriving in the Alps that you need seven more pairs of boxers, a dozen more socks, a less smelly pair of shoes, and more cash.
4. Send begging letter to friends / mother.

Female packing technique:

The technique favoured by girls differs somewhat as they actually take note of:

1. What they are packing.
2. What they pack it in.
3. How they pack it.
4. Whether they have covered all possible eventualities including work, social events and meteorite strikes that may lead to a clothing crisis at any point during their five month stay.

However, they will pay little attention to:

1. Whether what they are packing is suitable for their surroundings, which in the case of a season in the Alps involves enduring sub zero temperatures on a daily basis.
2. Whether or not they have packed two correctly matching shoes.

The internet gives like minded individuals the opportunity to share their passion with others, wherever they may be in the world and whatever their perversion.  On this basis, a quick Google search revealed a number of message boards from which I could harvest invaluable tips to help me avoid beginner mistakes during my season in the mountains.  The most popular tips were; do not take Ugg boots and buy some vacuum bags so that you can fit more into your rucksack.  Which begs the question, how heavy is air?

So, with the mindset of an evacuee’s mother packing their one tiny suitcase, and with firsthand experience of EasyJet’s crippling excess baggage charges, I am going to try to pack sparingly to ensure my bag is within the allotted 20kg weight limit .  It was not pretty last time they tried to charge me £40 for an extra five kilos, despite the fact I had no hand luggage.  It took a childish, yet ultimately successful, ten minute argument that led to my girlfriend disowning me, a large crowd of spectators gathering and a request to retrieve my obese bag from the hold of the aircraft, before one of Stelio’s Oompa Loompa’s finally buckled.

I just need to find a way to get to the airport now.

POPPYCOCK!!

As a member of the female species, I am expected to be ignorant to the on-goings of the male psyche.. I am supposed to believe the “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” bullsh*t hype.. that men and women are so different and I will never be able to understand them.. well

SIKE YOUR MIND

I am smarter than your average bear patna..

I have practiced one key excercise that all women and men should also practice if they ever “hope to understand the opposite sex”*

Make a male friend — DUH!.. This is not a secret.. it is common sense.. the reason that I have been able to understand men, avoid a lot of heartache and become the master playa-slaya (what?) that I am.. is because I have male friends..

And there are some things I have learned that apply to all men..

1. “Let’s Chill” — translation: “come over my house, sit on my couch, pop in a movie and sit close to me”.. before the end of Act 2, he will have successfully tried to kiss you, caress your bodacious bod and replace your vertical position with a horizontal one.. Do NOT believe the hype.. if you have never hung out with this person before.. never been anywhere in public before and he is not a pre-determined platonic friend.. he is NOT trying to watch a movie.. STOP FALLING FOR THIS BULLSH*T.. your house, his house.. it doesn’t matter.. he is trying to get it in or get as far as he can.. you’re in the perfect situation in the house, on a couch or bed, watching a movie in the dark and probably sitting close.. the only time you should go “chill” with this cretin is if you are also trying to get it crackin.. if not, don’t be surprised when the movie is on pause and you’re missing your draws..

2. Yes, he wants it — I was once told: “every man wants to have sex with you”.. No, not every man on the street (but likely so), every man you deal with.. we are always worrying about if he’s trying to get in our pants.. there is no if hun, it’s when!? But, there is nothing wrong with this.. think about it.. your husband will want to have sex with you (I should hope).. the problem is the man who only wants to have sex with you and is deceitful about it.. A real man won’t lie about it.. he will be straight up.. “ay baby, when you gon let me hit that?” or.. something like that.. but a male-child will try to pull the wool over your eyes.. What a lot of men don’t seem to understand is, if they’d just be upfront and tell us that all they want is the goods.. they will get much more respect for being honest.. they may not actually get the goods.. but at least they were honest.. if he’s taking the easy way out.. he’s a lame plain and simple.. If you are one of these lazy lying brothas.. YOU ARE LAME!!

3. If he wants it, he will pursue– One of the most important things I have learned about men in my 23 years, is that they will pursue what they want.. they may take what is given to them, but if they don’t want it, they won’t pursue it any further.. So many women stoop so low to get a man to choose them.. girl BYE.. No man is going to walk by something he wants and not go after it.. have you ever seen a hungry lion walk past a temptingg gazelle?! No.. he chased it, tackled it and chowed down! What I am saying is, stop pursuing men! If he wants you, he will let you know and he will put in the work.. all you have to do is accept or deny his advances and be a viable “prey” (I know, bad choice of words).. As long as you know what it is that he is hunting.. if he is just after the booty.. then he should make that known.. but don’t go chasing after him..

These were just three things on my mind.. there are plenty more.. trust me.. I just get so tired of ladies falling for dumb sh*t because some book or magazine (Cosmo) told us “we’ll never understand them” or “let them be boys” and a bunch of other b.s…

Like yesterday.. I watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” for the second time.. I didn’t like it the first time, but hey, it was on the shelf at the library just screaming.. TAKE ME HOME AND TALK SH*T ABOUT ME..

I was mesmerized by how STUPID and DESPERATE the women were.. I mean really!? .. Everything that happened to them was so obvious.. the worst though, was the girl who was sleeping with a married man then got mad at him for entertaining his own wife.. GIRL BYE.. because she assumed he was leaving the wife for her.. hahahahha..

Anywho.. most of the things you read in the “self-help” section of Barnes and Noble and is Cosmo is a bunch of poppycock.. Here is all the information you’ll need to shut the dumb sh*t down: OPEN YOUR EYES AND PAY ATTENTION! ..

See?! How hard was that?!?! So.. put down the magazine, and stop believing the hype.. besides, you ever notice how Cosmo and those el desperado chick flicks would have you believe that white women are brain-dead when it comes to men?! How many black girls do you see in those books!? Hmm.. I guess that’s a win for us then huh?!

Quit the poppycock..

xoxo,

m. lauren
the keepin-it-100 relationship guru..

*probably a quote from many a frou-frou “relationship” book at Barnes and Noble..

It all started weeks ago when I told him to send his car for servicing

“Honey, why don’t you send it to the workshop cause the air-conditioner isn’t working?”, I said. He told me that he will send it some other day because he is not free then. “Okay!”, I answered angrily. The car was like a moving oven for days and he was unwilling to send it for a repair. Anyway, I wasn’t the “chicken” in the oven so I just let it be.

Yesterday, we received a call asking us for an advice cause the car broke down while they were on their way back to uni. Guess what? The car was overheated. They had no choice but to leave the car on the roadside cause it was 1 a.m already. We went to sleep cause there wasn’t much to do anyway.

This morning, we had a heated argument about what to do with the car. I told him to get it fixed but he insisted to tow it back here for the repair. Finally, we had no choice but to tow it cause we don’t have any trusted foreman there

The entire repair costs us 380, which includes the towing fee. I just couldn’t understand why he did not send the car for servicing when the air-conditioner broke down. That would have saved us the headache and money spent to get it fix.

Grrrrrr………

This is part four of my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series.

How to Motivate the Opposite Sex

We already talked about how Martians (Men) and Venesians (Women) used to live on different planets and have completely different lifestyles. Well, for Venesians, their way of life was: “I give so you can win.” Martians had a completely different mentality – “I want to win, and I don’t care if you lose.”

When a man is in love, his selfish way of thinking changes, and he is  motivated to be the best he can in order to serve others. Given the oppurtunity to prove his potential, he expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old, selfish ways.

When a man doesn’t feel that he is making a positive difference in someone else’s life, it’s hard for him to care about his life and relationships. He has to feel needed to be motivated. Not being needed is a slow death for a man.

Women, by nature, are very giving. When they are with a man, they are happy to have someone taking care of them for a change. Basically, men want to love and take care of someone and women want to be loved and taken care of. It works out so perfectly, subhaanAllah

As a man matures, he learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures, although she learns new strategies for giving, her major changes tend to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.

Giving up Blame

When a woman gives too much, she begins to blame her partner (who is usually oblivious to the situation). Similarly, when a man finds his partner being negative or unreceptive, he begins to blame his partner. Either way, blaming doesn’t help.

When this situation occurs, instead of blaming his female partner for being resentful, a man can be compassionate and offer his support even if she doesn’t ask for it, listen to her even if at first it sounds like blame, and help her to trust and open up to him by doing little things for her to show that he cares.

A woman can show her husband she loves him by forgiving her partner’s imperfections, espcioally when he disappoints her, trust that he wants to give more when he doesn’t offer support, and encourage to give more by appreciating what he does give and continuing to ask for his support.

3 Steps for Healing a Relationship

1. Motivation
2. Responsibility: accept responsibility for your share of the down spiral. My mom always says that you can only clap with two hands (it sounds better in Urdu.) That basically means it’s not just one person’s fault
3. Practice: Know that you’ll both make mistakes. That’s why it’s called practice

Don’t except your man to know what you want and need. They’re not very good at picking up things or knowing them intuitively. Expecting them to know and holding them responsible for it is unrealistic. They’re just not wired that way.

Learning to Receive

Setting limits and receiving are scary for women because they are afraid of rejection, judgment and abandonment. Those things are all very painful for a woman - twofold – because deep in their unconscious, women hold the incorrect belief that they are unworthy of receiving more. This belief was reinforced in childhood, every time she had to suppress her feelings, needs or wishes. (This, by the way, I believe is one of the sick foundations that I hate about desi culture).

Depending on others puts you in a vulnerable position. It’s not easy for a woman to be ignored, forgotten or dismissed, because it reaffirms the incorrect belief that she is not worthy.

It is important, though, to make a distinction between “needing” and “neediness.” “Needing” is openly reaching out for support from a man in a trusting manner, assuming that he will do his best. “Neediness” is desperately needing support because you don’t trust that you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated. So I guess the difference is all about trust

Women need to realize that to have a better relationship, they don’t have to give more. Their partner will give more if they give less. They may not way up and change right away, but awareness is the first step. Setting boundaries is what is important for a woman.

Learning to Give

A man’s biggest fear is that he is not god enough or that he is incompetent. He appears most uncaring when he is afraid.

When a man gives, he risks failure, correction and disapproval. Just like women believe that they don’t deserve to be loved, deep inside, man holds the iccorect belief that he is not good enough. Ironically, the more a man cares, the more he fears failurs, the less he gives.

The first step for a man to learn to give is to realize it’s ok to make mistakes.

It’s ok to fail. He doesn’t have all the answers.

For men, when women complain or are unhappy, they feel like failures. Many women don’t realize how much men need love too. Love helps a man know that he is enough to fulfill others. Let your man know when he’s taking good care of you and that you trust and appreciate him.

Does your spouse seem ungrateful and unappreciative no matter what or how much you do to make them happy? You might simply be doing the wrong things. Some women could live with you under a bridge with occasion trips to the homeless shelter as long as you hold their hand and cuddle. Other women can be ignored for the rest of their lives as long as they have an unlimited supply of money.

I’m really not sure I buy into the differences between men and women. Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, for example.  Or the idea that men need respect, women need love, but men don’t really need love and women don’t really need respect.

Just about anybody who has worked on their marriage knows about “love languages.” I would like to submit that if you are speaking a love language other than your spouses, you are not allowed to deem them ungrateful or unreceptive.

What I do really believe is the idea of love languages and I believe ignorance of this concept causes a lot of marriages to suffer a great deal. Assuming you’re already familiar with love languages, I want to add something to it based on my experience.

I love fried chicken – especially the fried gizzards part of the fried chicken. If I cooked my wife a pound of fried gizzards she wouldn’t be as excited about it – to say the least – as I would if she did the same for me. As far as I’m concerned, a pizza without anchovies isn’t really a pizza. If I ordered a pizza for my wife (which she’d love – she could eat pizza three meals a day for the rest of her life) with goat cheese and anchovies, she’d call me thoughtless and selfish, among other things.

“But you love pizza,” I’d say, “I ordered this pizza for you!”

This past weekend – and many, many times before this – I have suffered a similar fate. In the hopes that she will love me and think I don’t completely suck as a husband, I do the following:

• Take the kids out so she has some “me time”
• Sweep, mop, and vacuum the house
• Do a load or two of laundry including folding and putting away
• Do the dishes
• Clean the bathrooms
• Make the beds

And so on.

Some wives would be so grateful they’d dress like Princess Leia in Jabba’s palace serving me as my beck and call girl until I said their debt was paid. My wife – not so much. Those things are simply not important to her. She wants me to lay in bed next to her and watch whatever shows I hate. I would rather do all that cleaning plus yard work than watch anything on LMN, TLC or any of those other dingo-stole-my-baby channels. If I laid in bed with her amongst the dirty dishes, empty Little Debby wrappers, and fast food containers she’d be totally happier. In fact, she wouldn’t be emotionally eating if I met her needs so the bedroom wouldn’t be messy (well, it might still be messy but without all the food related stuff).

You see, the house being clean is important to me – my wife couldn’t care less. I see it as her being ungrateful because she still nags me and such even after I’ve done all that work. But, I chose to do that stuff – she didn’t ask me to. When I clean the house and she rags on me for not doing something else, I really can’t call her ungrateful and get angry. The house being clean is simply not a priority for her. She couldn’t care less. However, if I spent that time reading to the kids and banging her brains out even though we lived in filth, she’d be just fine.

There are, of course, things she does for me that I’m indifferent about or irritated by.

Think of your spouse as a cat – when they bring you dead animals, it means “I love you.”

So this is part 3 of my Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series.

Stress Relief: the  Cave of Solitude

Men and women cope with stress VERY differently. Men tend to become increasingly focused and withdrawn, while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. Men feel better by solving their problems and women feel better by talking about them

That is because martians are cavemen at heart A man will retreat to his cave (deep, deep in his cave…) to find a solution to his problem. And he will become so focused on solving his problem that he will temporarily lose awareness of everything else. This translates into becoming distant, forgetful and preoccupied. After all, Martians feel good about themselves when they accomplish goals themselves; there is no reason to bother anyone else. When he does solve his problem, he’ll feel better and reemerge from his cave.

If he can’t find a solution, he will remain stuck in the save. To become unstuck – and to help him focus better – he may solve problems of a smaller degree to help him forget the bigger problem. For example, he may read the news, exercise, etc.

How Women Feel About the Cave

In three words : We hate it

That’s because we feel ignored by his withdrawing and powerless that we can’t “hear a man out” to make him feel better. (Remmeber, it’s all about perspective. For a woman, hearing her out would be helping her). Not talking to her is hurtful because she feels that he doesn’t love her.

Stress Relief: When Women Talk

When women are stressed out, they like to talk. It relaxes and makes a woman feel good when she feels someone is there to listen to her. Men, however, may feel that the woman is blaming him. Because men talk about problems for only two reasons: they are blaming someone or seeking a solution.

Ah, that explains so much

Very simple, ladies: just tell your man that you talk when you are upset because it is a way of siphoning out all those overwhelming emotions, frustration and anger. Once you are emotionally stable, you can deal with your problems. All he has to do is listen and sympathize. (And  you may want to add that “listening” translates to “undivided attention” in Venesian).

A few reasons why men get frustrated by our venting sessions:

1. They become impatient by details because they feel that they are necessary to solve the problem. And since men are problem-solvers, they are trying hard to keep up with all of the gibberish we spit out. (Although, I felt like this totally didn’t apply to me…unnecessary details are my pet peeve).

2. He assumes that there is a logical order to the ranting. It’s hard to link up all of the different problems. They are not related at all, in fact.

3. He is looking for the bottom line.

As a woman, we know how we work. Explain the concept of talking to your husband Let him know that when you’re upset about something, it reminds you of other problems and suddenly you’re incredibly overwhelmed by everything. All you need is a good ear and some sympathy.

Practice

Next time your hubby goes to the cave, let him Realize he’s just trying to work though a problem and when he’s ready, he’ll come out. In the mean time, go shopping, listen to a lecture…have some girl time

Also, if your hubby is acting like a space cadet, it’s probably because he’s stressed. Ask him point blank. Makes things easier.

Oh My Goodness… When some of Jozie’s finest, skankiest and dirtiest speak out I certainly hope the ladies are listening!

With baited breath, I asked Jozie’s Men the questions they are often to scared to answer or we are to ashamed to ask!

Here is the low down, appropriately titled something for the Honeyz!

Much to your amazement, many of the respondents are not only hound dogs or lover boys but will surprise you with their career focus, which is clear from the fact that over 40% are now earning +R250,000.00 per year. The question is, are these fine guys willing to splurge some of their hard earned cash on spoiling the ladies? Mmmm….Your response gentleman?

When asked what the ladies should be calling them, the most intriguing answers on sued!

So ladies, this is what you might be screaming one day lol:

• Keenanytime ( we certainly understand what he wants )
• Crazee ( I don’t even want to know… but I will let my imagination run wild won’t you?)
• Scotty2Hotty ( I know who you are!! )
• Mr. Q.C, Quietly Confident ( Nice answer, reflective of your maturity and security in who you are – we like!!! )
• John Doe ( who should have perhaps opted for Joe Black instead of the image of the loner in the morgue?)
• Slapper…. ( who is clearly eluding to his S&M tendencies – freaky! )
• Smooth? ( smooth like what huh?)
• WildSpice ( wa ka ka… definitely an older man ).

Never mind what you will be screaming, ponder for a second what you will be experiencing as these guys have also divulged their most scandalous sex memories!

The chart toppers being:

• On a double Decker bus in London ( International Man of mystery perhaps?)
• Public Elevator
• Sleeping with a girl while “seeing” her mom ( Huh Uh Man! )
• Getting caught by a security guard, jeans embracing ankles, and wait for it… behind the library at Wits!!!!
• Sex on one flight with two different hostesses
• A sex romp with a male and female friend being involved lol ( spare us the details…)

A question from one of freakiest female readers is would you as the male respondents marry these woman and what exactly is your perception of these woman? More importantly some of these stories sound extremely exaggerated?

Please can you guys share your secrets with the poor lad who no scandalous memories? The Hard Knox School of life is taking applications as we speak!

While we on the topic of SCANDAL…. The guys had this to say about ladies in the street but freaks in the bed….mmmmm

• Definitely someone who is presentable but sexy ( nice response… kind sir! )
• She’s a  lot of fun
• A Professional in and out of the bedroom ( oooooh really! Mr. Quietly Confident you are charming all the ladies and our freaky deaky female reader loves this! )
• Grab the handcuffs, get the chocolate body paint, blind folds and ice cubes – let’s play!!

There were also those who chose to name names… uh hum….and whilst this is Vegas, certain things are left un-explored! Lol.

While I will refrain on commenting on my thoughts about a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed… I am wondering what the ladies are thinking about these responses?

Bearing the above in mind the majority of the guys have agreed that the term “Slut” refers to someone who sleeps with several men at one time, discusses it and is also irresponsible about her actions. This definition is however, not affected by how soon the ladies give it up, being men most of them are convinced we won’t be able to hold out to their charms for too long anyway! Lol… Yes, Boys you are resistible to all woman and try as we might, no one can resist you! Lol – Ya’ Right!

Now that we know a lot more their experiences than we should, what exactly is it about woman that tickles these guys’ fancy?

Obviously the usual suspects appeared, including boobies ( spelt like that lol ), bums; eyes and hair… There are however a few with far more original answers :

• She needs to give you butterflies ( cute puppy…  my heart pumps custard for you!)
• Husky voice, dark eyes and luscious lips
• Independent and needs a challenge ( Our female readers love this because many woman need to realise that you do not need to be dependent on a man! We can make ourselves happy! )
• Dance moves ( lol, clearly the sprinkler dance moves are not going to cut it with this crowd )
• 

Minus the physical attraction some of these men are actually admitting to their views on love as well. With some surprising comments being made, with my all time favourites being:

• It sucks… ( with “Broken-hearted” song playing in the background )
• Good for getting things going and then scrap it! ( Ummmm, is it just me or does this respondent have issues with females?)

With my favourite being, as he would simply put it, “an understanding beyond words”.

Forget the perceptions and embrace reality. Men love sex and often enjoy being freaky, but who is to say that women don’t as well? While I included some of the worst comments on love above, many of them had deep and meaningful statements to be made on this elusive feeling. Not surprising, that I am now convinced while these could possibly be some of the dirtiest dogs out there, there is also a softer side to all of them.

And Ladies, if you are interested, in reflection most of these men believe they are appealing to women for these reasons:

• Confident, funny, sociable and down-to-earth
• Not sure as most women will see me differently
• I really do have the looks and the package to brag about it (mmmm – debatable and I don’t think you are the best judge).
• Funny, witty and hung like a horse ( so is the last part a sarcastic comment lol )
• I treat them the way they want to be treated ( Oh yes, and woman all around the world are secure in the fact that men have perfected this art? )

Thus I think we can officially confirm that Jozie has some of the most open-minded experimental men abound, and I have it on good authority that many of them are eagerly waiting to pounce on you! Lol. Much respect to the charming men who answered, I do realise that many of you exaggerated your answers while I am confident that there are those few gentleman who did not. Especially those who chose names really similar to your current nicknames!

Future tip, we all know your nickname… please choose something else!

Now go out there and charm the panties off those girls!

Thanks to our freaky female for providing her input and comments on this weeks survey’s responses. There will definitely be a follow-up to this one, and ladies hold your panties, your survey hits on Monday. Tsek Sunni signing out.

]]> http://bhavanajagat.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/the-battle-of-words-getting-killed-is-divine/ Thu, 15 Oct 2009 17:37:08 +0000 bhavanajagat http://bhavanajagat.wordpress.com/2009/10/15/the-battle-of-words-getting-killed-is-divine/

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, the exchange of words could escalate into open warfare.

THE BATTLE OF WORDS :

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, the exchange of words could escalate into open warfare. Women while initiating conversation with men begin in the mode of interrogation. Women tend to open up with a sharp question. Some questions that are often asked are; Who are you?, What have you been doing?, Where have you been?, and What else? When questioned by a female partner, men tend to give straight, and short answers. Women never get impressed by brief and matter of fact statements. While men try to use a specific word to project a specific image associated with that word, women are adept in interpreting that word using an alternate image. Women’s zeal to prolong the conversation is often motivated by a desire to probe the man further. When the grilling begins, man relents, starts using words of endearment with his responses to defuse the situation and to take cover. Once the Battle of Words begins, women tend to remain focussed on the battle as long as they have the ammunition. Women ignore all words of endearment used by the men as they view it as a distraction and fear that they may not be able to accomplish their mission of winning the Battle of Words. The inhabitants of Venus would not stop until a total victory is firmly grasped. Man, specially the Most Auspicious One, not only is willing to accept a defeat but also lovingly chooses to get killed in the duel of words. Getting killed is Divine when the Battle of Words involves your female life partner.

Kastvam? Shuuli, mrugaya bhishajam;Neela KantaH Priye aham, Kekaam yekaam kuru;PasupatiH,naiva drushtey vishaaney;Sthaanuur Mughdhey, na vadati taruH; Jeeviteysa ShivaayaaH, gachha atavyaam; iti Hatha VachaH paatu va Chandra ChuudaH.

THE BATTLE OF WORDS BETWEEN THE “FIRST COUPLE”  :

Parvati :  Kastvam?  =  Who are You?

Shiva  :  Shuuli  = The one with “TRIDENT”, the bearer of a Spear.

Parvati :  Mrugaya bhishajam  = ( Go and )  Find medicine.

Parvati pays no attention to the tradition that allows men to identify themselves by the personal weapon they carry. Lord Vishnu is often identified as “CHAKRI” for He uses “Sudarsan Chakra” as His personal weapon. People who worship Lord Shiva recognize Him as the bearer of “TRI SHUULA” or “TRIDENT”, a Spear. Parvati ignores the image attached to the word “Shuuli” and uses an alternate meaning attached to the word “Shuuli”. The word “Shuula” is a disease entity which is characterized by stomach ache. She interpreted “Shuuli” as a person with a disease entity called “Shuula” and hence She very mockingly suggested to Lord Shiva to go and find some medicine for His stomach ache.

Shiva  : Priye + Aham + Neela KantaH = My Most Beloved, I am the One with Dark Blue Neck.

Lord Shiva ignored Parvati’s mocking suggestion to find medicine, and very politely responds with the word “Neela KantaH” which is often used to describe Him. As per the legend, Lord Shiva had protected the world from being consumed by a dangerous poisonous gas called ”Haala Hala” and had safely retained it in His throat and the deadly poison had imparted a dark blue color to His throat and contributed to His name and He is very popularly known as “Neela KantaH”.

"Neela KantaH" or Pavo cristatus, family Phasianidae, a large pheasant with a metallic blue green body; the male is celebrated for its beauty and is endowed with strong "CROWING" voice.

Parvati  :  Kekaam + Yekaam + Kuru =  ( You ) Shout loudly ( with Your “CROWING” voice ) once.

Parvati not only avoided identifying Lord Shiva as “Neela KantaH” but also She had challenged Him to give a demonstration of His voice. Birds are very often identified in nature by their unique bird calls or songs. The Indian Blue peacock utters a long mournful scream . Parvati is unwilling to look at Lord Shiva’s throat and identify Him as “Neela KantaH” and She would rather prefer to identify Him by the quality of the sound that comes from His throat.

PASUPATI, BULL - Bos indicus, Zebu, the Brahman Bull; family Bovidae.

Shiva  : PasupatiH  =  The Lord of all four legged creatures; the Lord of all living entities.

Lord Shiva is not provoked by Parvati’s suggestion to give a demonstration of His voice by giving a loud call. He very politely gives Her a different answer and identified Himself as the Lord of all creatures and He rides a Bull known as “Nandi”.

Parvati  : Naiva + drushtey + vishaaney = ( I am ) Not able to see the Horns.

Parvati made a literal interpretation of the word “Pasupati” which means a bull and responded to Lord Shiva with a bit of sarcasm and had commented that She is not able to find the Horns which could be a very characteristic feature of a bull.

Shiva  : O’ + Mughdhey + Sthaanuur  = O’ Sweet faced One, I am “Immovable”.

Lord Shiva is very patient, did not argue about the meaning of the word “Pasupati”, and tactfully changes the subject and speaks of His Personal Quality with which people identify Him. He is famously known for His Steadfastness and the word “Sthanuu” signifies this personality trait and character. He also demonstrates no signs of  irritation in His manner of speech and He very carefully chooses His words and responds to Parvati with a compliment about Her beautiful face which is full of charm and youthful exuberance.

Ficus religiosa or the Bodhi Tree is often worshipped in India. The tree is also described as "Sthaanuu" which means immovable.

Parvati  :   Na + vadati + taruH  =   A ‘tree’ cannot speak!!! ( How could a ‘tree’ talk??? )

Parvati shows no interest in evaluating Lord Shiva’s character and steadfastness and interpreted the word “Sthaanuu” in a very simple manner and further commented  that if the description of “Sthaanuu” is correct; She would not expect to hear  any words as trees are not endowed with the power of speech.

Shiva  : Jeeviteysa + ShivaayaaH  = ( I am ) Life Partner of Parvati.

Lord Shiva uses His final and ultimate weapon in this Battle of Words. The word ” SHIVA” also describes “Parvati”. By claiming that He is the Life Partner of Parvati, Lord Shiva intended to charm Her with His words and yet the same time give an appropriate response to Her question of “KASTVAM” with which She has initiated this Battle of Words.

Parvati  :  Gachha +  Atavyaam  =  Run to the forest.

The alternate meaning of the word “Shiva” is Jackal. Parvati who is fully focussed upon winning the Battle of Words is not in a mood to succumb to the magic of Lord Shiva’s endearing words. Parvati amply demonstrates Her adeptness in interpreting words as per the circumstances of the Battle. Jackals are very timid animals. They simply run away when they are challenged by voice. Parvati taunts Lord Shiva and tells Him to run to the forest for He has called Himself a Jackal by using the word “Shiva” to describe His Identity.

The humble and shy Indian Jackal is also described as "SHIVA".

Iti Hatha Vachah paatu va Chandra ChuudaH  =  The Lord whose hairlocks are adorned by the Crescent shaped Moon, who is thus killed in the Battle of Words may protect me.

Lord Shiva- Shuuli, Neela kantaH, Pasupati, Sthaanuu, Chandra ChuudaH.

The Lord has chosen not to win the Battle of Words. Ordinary mortals should not even attempt to succeed in such a Battle of Words. Following the Lord’s example, man should choose to get killed in a Battle of Words and grant victory to the inhabitants of the planet of Venus.

Sometimes when I talk with my friends about my latest crush or fling, or hear about theirs, I feel a little silly and childish because of how we discuss them. Some we nickname, some we bash, and some we brag about. It’s all in good fun and it’s just what girls do. Let girls be girls! Amen.

Well Amen until you hear your mom and her three girlfriends discussing the same things, and then your amen quickly turns into the Twilight Zone. When I first experienced this I was surprised and uncomfortable because it scarily reminded me of my friends and I thought that just couldn’t be possible. My mother and her friends are women, have lived through all kinds of things I can’t even begin to understand yet, and have kids and even grandkids. They are definitely not like us. They are cougars while we are mere cubs. But could it be, females are still silly and girly at any age? Even in their 50’s-60’s? Apparently so.

As the gossip and “boytalk” went on I became more comfortable and even entertained by what I was hearing. At that point it was actually fun and I was happy to contribute. My favorite was the nicknames they created. I couldn’t believe that these ladies were so creative. They referred to one guy as “Milton Bradley” because his real name sounds incredibly similar. I have to say, they are much nicer with their nicknames than we are. We go straight for “Toolbox” or “Douchebag” and are not as clever…or mature.

Once we moved past the nicknames, they started asking me to offer advice to one of the ladies in the group who has trouble interpreting what guys say and mean. I still have not mastered that and was even more taken aback that with all of their years of experience they had on me, they STILL had not figured it out and STILL take part in silly games and jumping to conclusions. She admitted she deleted a guy from her phone because he canceled a date due to a cold. He was obviously seeing someone else, that must be the reason, she thought because no cold is that bad that it garners cancellation.

Yes, most guys have a rotation of sorts but hello? How did you even get there from a cold?! Is it because our standards change as we get older? Does our tolerance completely disappear? There is definitely something to be said about someone who knows what they want and accepts nothing less. Probably a good lesson for us all. However, be REALISTIC about it. A cold could mean a variety of things, not necessarily that the poor guy is seeing someone else. He may actually have a cold and not want to be sniffly and snotty and groggy on a first date. He may just want to make a good first impression. Who knows. Regardless, it still blows my mind that no matter how old we get, how much experience we have, we as women will NEVER completely understand men and they will certainly never understand us. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus and that is that.