The British invasion continues. Loving Kate Nash.

Picture, Commentary and Song for the week:

(it was a big week)

Luc and I were talking about how hard life has been but how, in an odd sort of way, we’ve been granted “do-overs” for 2010. We have the chance to take some recent faults and failures and to bury them in a time capsule called 2009.

By burying them we see them for what they are, properly analyze and grieve them, and then bury them as fast as Sam can dig the hole in the pastor’s yard.

While we were laughing to get through the pain, she mentioned about writing her memoir on starting over, and asked what it should be called. I mentioned Groundhog Day; partly because it fit, and partly because that has been my week.

Every day this week I’ve taken one ridiculously hard day, gotten through it, and then moved on to the next – with full expectation that it would be different (ahem…better than the one before). If anything, they keep getting worse.

(Please don’t misunderstand. There is tragedy in the world and mine isn’t that despairing. The week has had some good, but it has had an amazingly large amount of bad in it too.)

In the movie Groundhog Day Bill Murray’s character repeats the same day until he has one defining moment that allows his life to move forward. Considering it’s Friday and the days have consecutively gotten worse, I’m super curious to know what I should be learning in order to move forward – because as of today, life’s not letting me.

A life-changing event did happen this week; and it, combined with Groundhog Day, and bits and pieces of the lyrics to Merry Happy by Kate Nash sum up my week perfectly:

…
Gave me those pearls and I thought they were ugly,
Though you try to tell me that you never loved me
I know that you did, ‘Cause you said it and you wrote it down

Dancing at discos, Eating cheese on toast,
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn’t want to stick around

So I learnt from you.
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do
So I learnt from you.
Do do do da do do do do do da do do do do do da do

I can be alone, yeah. I can watch a sunset on my own.
I can be alone. I can watch a sunset on my own

Sitting in restaurants, Thought we were so grown up
But I know now that we were not the people,
That we turned out to be

Chatting on the phone, Can’t take back those hours
But I won’t regret, ‘Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be

Dancing at discos, Eating cheese on toast,
Yeah you make me merry make me very very happy
But you obviously, you didn’t want to stick around,

So I learnt from you.

Hectic week this week. Finals week ladies and gentlemen. Finals week.

5 finals. 5 days. Three have been knocked down so far. 2 more to go. I can do this….. I have to!! I’m a little disappointed with my grades for my Comm class. But I blame myself for not listening. I studied the whole book. I thought it was cumulative. Rather it was chapters 12- 17. Dang. Kin class final- I hope I did okay on the final. I was there everyday and did good on the project…. Grades still not up yet on blackboard… Lab final went well. Passed. Foleys, NG tubes. Random assignment- NT suctioning.

Next up: Stats Final Tomorrow… and Foundations Final- hopefully tomorrow night as well (yikess!!). I hope all is well and I keep my grades above a C. Please?

While I was studying … I came across a website that streams a live feed of performances going on every first and third Tuesday of every month (outdoors of the Aratani Theater), showcasing artists from the various backgrounds. Here, they’re given the spotlight to perform and inform the viewers of what’s up.

Check ‘em out here: http://www.tnkat.org/

I happened to catch the last two artists on stage- an openly gay individual who shared (sorry, I didn’t catch your name) her experiences with the public (and Disneyland!), her marital status and her personal life. She really exposes the feel and unfortunate interactions of those around her, including her father. If you’ve never had interactions with gays before, you just missed out on a great opportunity to listen and look into the life of one. The other artist that was up was “andrew”. I have a thing for guitars and singers. If you could do both… you’re awesome! Hats off to you! He is also a great singer and “interacter”(?) with the crowd. I like it when people on stage reach out to the audience and have conversations with them. It’s awesome. Any who… He and his band will be playing out in Chinatown (Los Angeles) on Thursday… if you’re interested.

Now…..I leave you all off with this: Kate Nash- “Merry Happy”

I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset
on my own
I can be alone yeah
I can watch a sunset
on my own
I can be alone
I can watch a sunset
on my own

I started a new station in Pandora based on Lenka’s The Show. This song popped up as the second song in the queue and WOW I LOVE THIS SONG! It instantly puts mein a cheerful and relaxed mood. If you like chicks with the piano, cheerful music, a british accent, bounciness, or whatever, you probably would like this song.

Amazing how music can affect you. My friend IMed talking about how much he loved good music.

him: I love good music
him: omg
him: it’s better than sex
him: or something comparable
him: like cookie dough ice cream
him: music is better than cookie dough ice cream, jeannie

Hrm. I deno about it being better than the ice cream, but yeah, i love good music too when it puts me in a good mood.

where did i go wrong?
i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness.

darling i’m beside myself
and i don’t think you know which of me
you’re talking to
i’m tired of trying to make it up to you
sweeping the ashes and hiding the truth
i’m tired of pretending everything is alright
let me feel what i’m feeling tonight

Where are you these days?
It seems like the time I need you the most is when we’re so disconnected
How do I get you to put me back together when you’re the one who shattered me?
You’re busy, living your own life
I like to say I understand that, it makes me sound forgiving
But I pay the price of false appearances
Every day that you’re gone
And every night that I’m alone
Once in a while I get your time
And I cling to it like a dog and her bone
But I get the tiniest taste of what it’s like to have you care
And memories cave me back in
A tidal wave of insomnia and depression that floods to a point of ignorance in my own self
The dykes have obviously broken and the landscape is covered in murky water
I can’t see my old self anymore and it occurs to me that I’m never going back to that person
But with that realization comes a homesickness for myself of a year ago
So full of happy smiles and priceless subtleties that could never be recreated
A juxtapose of my current self, a person pieced together from a shattered heart and a scattered brain
Left in the cold to fuse together with the faint hope that bones won’t heal crooked

“don’t marry her luke.
am i crazy? do you not feel what i have felt every day that we have been apart for the past three years? because i have felt there is this vital piece of me that’s been missing. and i tried to fill it, luke i tried to fill it with work and friends and music. and it stayed empty until last night when you kissed me, and my entire universe snapped back into focus. lucas, look me in the eye and tell me that that kiss did not feel the exact same as it did three years ago”

“i’m in love with her, peyton”

taken from my very favourite episode, Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want.
story of my life.

all this time i was wasting hoping you would come around
i’ve been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down
and it’s taken me this long baby but i’ve figured you out
and you’re thinking we’ll be fine again but not this time around
you don’t have to call anymore, i won’t pick up the phone
this is the last straw, don’t want to hurt anymore
you can say you’re sorry but i don’t believe you baby like i did before
you’re not sorry

you’re asking me do listen cause it’s worked each time before
you had me crawling for you honey
and i never would have gone away
you used to shine so bright but i watched all of it fade
this is the last straw, there’s nothing left to beg for
and you can tell me that you’re sorry
but I won’t believe you baby like I did before

so maybe i didn’t say half the things i wanted to, and maybe i’m hesitant to believe that you mean it this time.
maybe i’m unwilling to put myself out there for you to shut down once again, and maybe i’m a little bit scared of you.
maybe i’ve lost my faith in people, maybe i’ve lost my faith in you.
maybe i’ve heard enough shiny words to last a lifetime, and what i’m looking for is action.
maybe now i hold on to the days that i don’t talk to you more than the days that i do, but maybe that’s just habit.
maybe i’ve forgotten how to be your friend, after all this bouncing between hating you and whatever that other feeling is – the one that’s easier than hate but just short of like.
maybe i want you to start every first word and put in every last word, partly because i’m not going to anymore and partly because i don’t believe you will.
maybe i’m setting myself up to be pleasantly surprised, or maybe i’m just setting myself up for disappointment.
maybe i just want you to prove to me you’re more than a lost cause and a kicking pain.
maybe i don’t really know whether i want you around me or not, because you seem to flip everything upside down and i’m not sure if i still like that.
maybe i’m torn between saying “look i’ve moved on, i don’t need you” and saying “look i’ve moved on, you don’t throw me off-balance anymore.”
maybe i want to prove that i can have you separate from my life my life without having anything to prove.
maybe i’m a mess of contradictions, and maybe i’m hoping i won’t regret this.

but can you really blame me for these uncertainties?

“i have a headache in my chest from all the chaos that you left,
cause it’s all downhill from here”

i remember those promises that you made so long ago. the ones where you said that you were going to be here when i needed you, and no matter how loud i yelled you’d always listen? well now that you’ve stopped listening, it’s hard to say i saw it coming. then again, no matter how much i used to love saying i knew you, the truth is i never could predict your actions. i guess now that all is said and done, the warning signs were all there, just like they always have been. most of the time i just don’t have the heart to look for them. i’m not going to say that this is easy, because this is going to be so hard. especially now, with this new life i’ve got going for myself (that i’d love to share that with you).  i’m on a perfection rampage.  i seem to have gotten a taste of what it’s like to have things going my way and this impulsive desire to make every part of my life that wonderful seems to include you. but i guess part of this learning experience is the knowledge that you can’t always have everything you want. i’m just going to have to learn to handle disappointment without breaking, and i seem to be handling this one alright- for me, at least. i’d love to say that this’ll all blow over, but the truth is i’m so sick of being pushed and pulled into every and any direction to fit into the shapes you ask of me.

i guess what i’m trying to say, in this roundabout, long-winded way of mine, is goodbye.

ps fuck you.

hey, honey, cat got your tongue?
don’t look so funny
mr. comedian, joke’s on you
and you’re good at bets so where’s my money?
I know you bet I’d never make that move
so why’s the house empty?
light’s off by the end of this week
I’ll leave with what I came with baby
I’ll take the dogs, you keep the mercedes

cause I’m gone, I’m not fazed
I walk these roads with grace
and I’ll wave with you behind me with a new smile on my face
cause I’m walking in new shoes now
I got a new song to sing
when I walk in the room every head turns, every eye is on me
too bad you’re not here to see it and by the time you get this
I’ll be so long gone and far, I’ll send you a postcard

hey, baby
you seen a ghost?
this ain’t your lady
you’re gone and I’m great
I got rid of your dead weight
and I’ll wave at you behind me with a new smile on my face
cause I’m walking in new shoes now, I got a new song to sing
when I walk in the room every head turns every eye is on me
too bad you’re not here to see it, and by the time you get this
I’ll be so long gone and far
I’ll send you a postcard

For our dance showcase, one of the songs we did was called Merry Happy by Kate Nash (which is a good song). So now the lyrics are stuck in my head even though this happened a few weeks ago. Weird…Cheese on toast is part of the lyrics in case you were wondering.

Who would actually eat that though? Well I eat tortilla chips with strawberry margaritas (virgin of course) but that’s different. Well to me it is.

A light bulb just went off in my head! My friends think I am too hyper and wacky so they joke around that I am “drunk,” maybe those had alcohol in them…uhhhh…I should hide now.

NOTE FROM A TELEPHONE OPERATOR PERSON: While the author of these posts is hiding please leave a message after the beep. To go on with your life press one…but even if you don’t press one, you still have to go on with your life!

lucas: sure i do, it was a great story. but it happened a long time ago.
peyton: i know. and i didn’t come here to rehash the past. i was reminded today, in a roundabout way, that the most perfect act of love is sacrifice. that’s what keith did for karen, burying his feeling for her for all those years so he could be a good friend. i love you, lucas. and i think i have since the first moment we locked eyes. and it is going to suck, but it what you want is for me to let go, then i’m gonna do it. be happy, luke. i want that with all my heart.

If I said I was truly over you
My heart would say amen
But I’d give in to the cold caress of 2AM
If I admit I can’t get used to this
Will my heart break again?
As I fall
Into the waiting arms of 2 am

i hate to sound like a broken record, but i miss you.

that’s all.

my heart is aching and i’ve never felt this bad
i pinch myself to check that all of this is real
keep thinking I’m not letting on that I feel this sad
and then you’ve got the cheek to ask me how I feel
and I say absolutely nothing
i’m absolutely fine
absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
i know that you just want to see me get upset
my world turned upside down so what did you expect
my heart is aching and I’ve never felt this bad
i pinch myself to check that all of this is real
keep thinking I’m not letting on, I feel this sad
and then you’ve got the cheek to ask me how i feel
and i say absolutely nothing
i’m absolutely fine
you’ve seen me cry too many times
but not this time, no not this time
i don’t need you to help me through
i’ll be just fine
and I say absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind

my finger tips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go
but I can’t
and every time we fight I know it’s not right,
every time that you’re upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can’t.
yes, it was childish and you got aggressive,
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.