Primero, la historia. Dice que, habiendo invadido los persas Grecia como venganza por la famosa batalla de Maratón que puso fin a la primera intentona persa de diez años atrás, el famoso estratega ateniense Temístocles ideó un plan defensivo que compaginaba hacer frente al ejército persa (de unos trescientos mil soldados) en las Termópilas a la vez que su flota era rodeada en Artemisio por las naves aliadas. Así, siete mil griegos (entre los que se contaban trescientos espartanos) bloquearon el famoso paso montañoso en el verano de 480 a.C. durante siete días, de los cuales hubo jaleo en tres de ellos. Leónidas, rey de Esparta, que comandaba la fuerza de, insistimos, siete mil griegos, resistió durante los dos primeros días el empuje persa pero, traicionados por un pastor llamado Efialtes, que reveló un camino oculto que podía conducir a las tropas persas a la retaguardia griega, el espartano ordenó la marcha de la mayoría de sus tropas hacia el sur e hizo frente hasta la muerte a los persas con unos dos mil hombres, que incluían sus famosos trescientos espartanos y además cuatrocientos tebanos, casi mil tespios y algunos centenares de voluntarios de otras ciudades griegas, a los cuales la historia ha olvidado. Derrotadas fácilmente las débiles fuerzas de Leónidas, los griegos levantaron el bloqueo naval de Artemisio y se refugiaron en Salamina (consulta al oráculo de Delfos por parte de Temístocles, o al menos eso cuenta la leyenda, de por medio), donde tuvo lugar la famosa victoria naval griega; una vez sin flota, los persas fueron derrotados definitivamente por los griegos en la batalla de Platea.

Y ahora, la película. Un espanto, no sólo por su prácticamente nulo respeto a los episodios comprobados históricamente, sino por su forma demencialmente violenta y narrativamente absurda. El tebeo de Frank Miller en que se basa la película es la primera piedra de toque que echa por tierra buena parte del rigor histórico que sería deseable cuando se reflejan con su nombre y apellidos episodios y personajes de una época determinada (aunque aquí la propia leyenda haya aumentado el papel de los espartanos y casi ninguneado al resto para enfatizar el ejemplo de heroísmo y sacrificio), más si cabe cuando la pretensión añadida es establecer paralelismos con situaciones geopolíticas presentes, en este caso, de manera tan torpe, maniquea y propagandística. Empezando mal, pues, al aceptar la devaluación histórica que se permite el argumento del tebeo como base para la historia, Zack Snyder, autor de pseudocine reconocido entusiásticamente por los fans de los superhéroes y los muñequitos en la pantalla, diseña una película, por llamarla de alguna forma, cuyo interés se diluye entre la sangre digital que salpica al objetivo de la cámara y los excesos visuales de una estética fundamentada en el orgiástico festival de efectismos y en la explotación de la épica de baratillo modelo Michal Bay (cámara lenta y gorgoritos operísticos incluidos -¿por qué en todas las películas sobre la Antigüedad desde Gladiator para acá siempre hay una batalla en la que se rueda a cámara lenta con músicas siempre más o menos parecidas?-). Partiendo pues de un muy deficiente retrato de la verdad histórica (que muchos dirán que no es necesaria y que hablamos de un tebeo, pobrecitos), la película pretende ser un monumento visual y, a decir verdad, a ratos lo consigue, aunque escoja bazofia pura para retratarla con sus modernas técnicas digitaloides.

Haciendo hincapié en los músculos de gimnasio, debidamente tuneados por el ordenador para la ocasión, de los protagonistas del bodrio en cuestión, la película realiza un pesado y reiterativo intento por tomarse en serio a sí misma, por traspasar su devaluada naturaleza de entretenimiento para amantes de lo sanguinolento y sentar cátedra como recordatorio histórico y como clave de interpretación del actual antagonismo entre oriente y occidente (en el que los malos siempre son los de oriente y los portadores de valores eternos siempre somos los mismos), sin, obviamente, conseguirlo, ya que involuntariamente sin duda, pero habiendo tomado las decisiones tomadas acerca de argumento, estética e intérpretes, indudablemente el carácter superficial y casi autoparódico van servidos en el mismo lote. El pretendido sustrato intelectual, la reflexión en torno a la guerra, al sacrificio, y peor aún, las lecturas políticas en clave de actualidad, quedan apuntadas a través de una serie de personajes arquetípicos, superficiales, que repiten los eslóganes según el lado, de los buenos y de los malos, que les ha tocado encarnar, y provocan por tanto la inexistencia de un discurso serio, maduro, elaborado más allá de la apología de la estupidez que suponen gran parte de las frases de guión. Este vacío intelectual va acompañado de un descuido absoluto por retratar la vida de los soldados, limitándose a cuatro fórmulas convencionales repetidas hasta la saciedad: relación entre padre e hijo, nostalgia de la amada abandonada en casa, veterano que se sacrifica por sus semejantes, la figura del traidor por despecho (con Efialtes convertido aquí en una especie de mezcla de Gollum y Jordi Pujol que traiciona a Leónidas por su rechazo a que forme parte de sus tropas, un añadido argumental tan estúpido como innecesario) etc., etc.

Así, la película pretende ser tan tan épica que deriva en muy muy ridícula, pretende apabullar pasando por alto la historia y consigue un inmenso vacío sobre el que montar su apoteosis de gratuito salvajismo, empaquetado por ordenador, y en cuanto a sus pretensiones de erigirse en metáfora del presente, ni que decir tiene que asume los postulados dominantes en las tesis neocons, felizmente (al menos en apariencia) abandonadas por la actual administración del imperio, basadas en la guerra preventiva, la imposición de los propios intereses por encima de valores universales reservados para ellos mismos, el racismo latente en la creencia de la superioridad y mayor legitimidad de unas naciones sobre otras (llama la atención cuántos generales persas son encarnados por actores negros de manera un tanto ilógica teniendo en cuenta el reducido número de negros que viven, por ejemplo, hoy, en Irán y el resto de países de la antigua Mesopotamia) sobre las que hay que mantenerse atentos y vigilantes, en la incompetencia intelectual para comprender otras culturas y en el papel mojado en el que quedan reducidos los derechos de los pueblos considerados inferiores o enemigos cuando plantean sus legítimas exigencias, todo ello con el edulcorado discurso protagonizado por palabras interesadamente vaciadas de significado y blandidas como bandera por la que justificar incluso el crimen como medio de consecución de los propios intereses, casi siempre espurios: libertad, derechos, democracia y demás vocabulario devaluado por la democracia meramente formal que padecemos.

Éxito de recaudación gracias a la impagable labor de marketing de los grupos de comunicación que siempre se hacen eco del cine de tercera división, la buena noticia es que, habiendo mantenido al menos el final de la historia como tal, con la aniquilación total de los espartanos y compañía (mucha menos de la que habla la historia auténtica, reducida aquí a mera comparsa, a presencia auxiliar de otros griegos que, sin embargo, en la historia eran la fuerza principal), sabemos positivamente que no habrá segunda parte. Eso, si no llega un “iluminado” de los que esconden sus deficiencias de talento en el cine de muñecos y se le ocurre resucitarlos y hacer con ellos una peli de zombis o vampiros de la Antigüedad, que todo se andará…

Acusados: todos
Atenuantes: ninguno
Agravantes: los excesos violentos, su carácter pretenciosamente grandilocuente, su artificiosidad
Sentencia: culpables.
Condena: depilación a serrucho de las zonas blandas

Megan Fox is dumb cause she’s just 23 years old. WHATTT?!! I am 23 years old too. I’ve got my MA with honours and feel kinda offended by that sentence. I am certainly far from dumb and have been for quite some time. I do believe being dumb has little to do with age. Little kids are often far less dumb than scientists think they are. Just read some psychology.
So my point is, Michael (Bay) just say it – she’s JUST DUMB. You know, Meg calls you Hitler so that’s what you owe her – throw it out there, let people know the truth: the girl’s just that retarded. Well, it’s not like she’s a total wreck, just a little less of brain than average. And Michael, please, do not offend women by being this sexist. I bet you thought Megan is like this cause she’s young, faces this terrible stress of fame (oh, god, that is sooo terrible, I mean, millions of kids hungry all over the world are facing MUCH less trouble) bla-bla AND she’s a WOMAN. please. I bet that’s what you are thinking. cause women are dumb. cause you don’t meet much women who didn’t turn to be a robot or a male-like zombi and are not dumb.
well, if that’s the case, Michael, you really have to work on that cause there are LOTS of smart, intelligent and pretty (really pretty) women who are there to prove you one billion times wrong! (just ask Shia)

Every Wednesday, from today until the end of time, my close friend and bitter foe Mad Adam is going to stop by and attempt to clarify his delusions of grandeur, dominance, and defeatism. He’s very complex. And, as you’ll soon find out, most of what he has to say comes out of his ass, but man, is he angry! And I’m not talking the kind of angry that can be aptly expressed with all caps and exclamation marks, or even simple declarations of anger… you’ll have to use your imagination a little. Picture the bright red face. Picture the popping veins. Picture the holes in the wall, the shattered remotes, the hospitalized “friends”. Now, multiply it by 386. That gets you halfway there. But here, we’ll let him explain it…

Hello everyone.  Allow me to introduce myself.  My name is Mad Adam.  That’s right, not Mad Hatter (Les Miles), Mad Max (Mel Gibson) or Mad Men (those booze swilling cats at Sterling Cooper).  No, just Mad Adam.

Why Mad Adam?  First, I have an anger control problem. This is particularly true when it comes to my sports teams.  I get mad when they let me down.  I get mad when they get screwed over.  I sometimes get mad even when things are going well. What can I say….I’m Mad Adam.  As a bonus, my name is a palindrome.  Don’t know that is? Look it up loser.  And while you are at it, send some hate mail to your language teachers who obviously let you down.

Now that I have revealed that much of my anger is centered on my favorite teams, I better let you in on who those teams are.  Warning, I grew up as a military brat, so I never stayed in a place long enough to pick a team based on geography.  So, I have a pretty disparate set of favorite teams (with the exception of my college team which is clearly a result of the totally awesome education I received at the undergraduate and law schools of the institution listed below).  So, in no particular order, here are the teams that matter most to me: New York Jets (last Super Bowl….1969, the roots of my anger begin to surface); Los Angeles Dodgers; Los Angeles Lakers; Manchester City Citizens (EPL soccer you morons); and of course, my beloved OU Sooners.  Looking for a hockey team?  Go (ice) fish.  Not a fun game to watch on TV.

My proclivity for temper tantrums does not end with my favorite teams.  I also get mad about betting on sports (i.e. placing bad bets, not the act of betting on sports which I am very much in favor of), bad calls, terrible commentators, incomprehensible TV twists, bad uniforms, those who don’t appreciate good music, politics, stupid fans, silly traditions, inane rules….you get the idea.  I am Mad Adam.

The gracious, yet logic deficient Ed Honcho, has asked that I occasionally drop by this site and let all of you know what I am currently mad about.  I appreciate the forum and the opportunity to vent.  I would be remiss if I did not kick things off with a mailbag devoted to my legions of fans and their questions.  So, without further ado, away we go…..

Q: Did you see the Patriots throw a deep pass with only 30 seconds to go this past weekend when they were up 31 – 14 on the J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets? How did that make you feel? Cuz, I will tell you how it made me feel.  It made me feel like punching Tom Brady in his pretty face and defecating on Bill Belichik’s car.

- Francis Anastasio, Elizabeth, New Jersey

A: Francis, or can I call you Frank? No? OK. Francis, you could not be more right (except the part about shitting on his car, which is a tad bit weird). Not since Michael Bay decided to have “ghetto” robots in the newest Transformers movie have I seen such a brash and uncalled for decision.

What is he hoping to accomplish?  By kicking the Jets when they are down, does he hope to draw attention away from the most colossal coaching mistake in his career from the week prior against the Colts? By allowing a long pass to Randy Moss did he hope to show that Moss does in fact own Darrelle Revis? (if so, too bad, because Moss turned in a pedestrian 5 catches for 34 yards against my boy Revis).

Or is this just one more bully move by a guy that thinks he is God, but is in fact still the same a-hole that could not turn around the Browns and WHO WALKED OUT ON THE JETS IN 1999 A DAY AFTER TAKING THE HEAD COACHING JOB? What a loser. I HATE that guy. And, I really hate those spy-gate cheating, pretty boy Pats(ies).

Q: How are you feeling about the Lakers so far?

- Bonita Benson, Culver City, California

A: In a word….AWESOME.  So far, Khlomar has not been a distraction.  The return of Gasol has transformed the team.  Ron Artest is playing within the system and has not punched Nicholson in the face on his way down the court yet. And Kobe? Well, he is busy doing work.

Since the Lakers’ Western Conference coronation is all but assured, let’s turn to the more important issue.  Will those turd burgers from Boston make an appearance and get the whupping they deserved two years ago? As of this writing they are 10-4, and look pretty good (for a team in puke green adorned with a picture of a leprechaun sporting a vest, hat and bow-tie covered in freaking shamrocks).  I don’t want another beat-down on Orlando.  I want Ray Allen, Paul Pierce and “look at me I am yelling a lot, I must be really intense” Kevin Garnett to face the music like they did in 1985 and 1987 when Magic and crew beat Bird and his brigade of losers (like Kevin “the Armpits” McHale and Robert “Reefer” Parrish). SCREW THE CELTICS!

Q: When are you going to talk about the Sooners? Texas Tech destroyed Stoops and company and the crowd turned the House of Pain “Jump Around” into an anti-Sooner anthem.  And, don’t forget Capel’s b-ball team that got rocked by the VCU Rams, his former team.  Seriously, did you jump off a cliff this weekend?

- Rusty Jackson, Texhoma, Texas

A: I am typing out this response from the rather large ravine that I did indeed toss myself into after the collective DUMP THAT OU TOOK ON ME THIS WEEKEND.  This is the kind of showing that makes you want to give up sports.

That raises the issue.  Is it possible to really give up on your favorite team?  I say no.  The first time I ever tried to do it was when I was 8 years old and the Dodgers were on a serious losing streak. I declared that I was no longer a fan of Dodger blue and tried to become a Cincinnati Reds fan.  However, each morning when I would look through the box scores in the local paper I found my gaze straying from the Reds to find out what the Dodgers had done the night before. The reason?  If you are a true fan, you can NEVER give up on your team.  Even when they TEAR OUT YOUR HEART, LIKE OU DID TO ME THIS WEEKEND.

Did I kinda avoid answering your questions Rusty? You bet. Stay tuned, though, because if those goat loving, tobacco chewing troglodytes from Stillwater win Bedlam this weekend, then I may have to dedicate an entire column to how FREAKING BAD THIS OU FOOTBALL SEASON HAS REALLY BEEN.

Q: So, how about Les Miles and his clock management skills?

- Earl Papadeaux, Natchez, Louisiana

A: Oh, how I detest Les Miles.  What an overrated, egotistical, arrogant insipid little man crowned with an ill-fitting hat. How many times must he do something like this before Tiger Nation rises up and says enough is enough.  The LSU school newspaper, “The Daily Reveille” is calling for the firing of offensive coordinator Gary Crowton over this debacle.

First, “The Daily Reveille,” really? I had to look up “reveille” to even know what the students there are referencing.  It is a bugle call associated with the military.  So, the newspaper is a daily bugle call.   Whatever.

Second, firing the offensive coordinator is completely missing the point.  Did anyone see Les Miles’ patented “deer in headlights” look as the precious seconds ticked away in the game against Ole Miss? He was befuddled, bamboozled and flummoxed all at the same time. This man could not coach his way out of a paper bag when decisions that are tougher than what to eat after the game are on the line.  Speaking of food…

Q: Don’t you think that Mark Mangino is just mean, mean, mean!

- Dolores Bitterbottom, Mulberry, Kansas

A: Look, I have had my share of crude talking insensitive coaches.  Heck, it is really part of the job description as far as I can tell.  Reminds me of a funny story.  Ed Honcho and I used to have a baseball coach that referred to him as “Colonel Sanders” because he was too “chicken” to get down on the ball when fielding grounders in practice.  That was funny. What Mangino (allegedly) has been doing?  Not cool.

When a college student confides in a coach about his alcoholic father, that should remain between him and the coach. Same thing with a player that tells coach about his brother getting shot in the neighborhood he grew up in .  To use that information against the players is the sign of a man that has lost touch with reality.  He is not breaking players down and then building them up.  He is just breaking them.

While we are on the subject, I am wondering if any Jayhawk ever gave it back to the coach? In case they have not, and current Jayhawks are looking for some ideas, here is my humble proposal for a dialogue with Mangino:

Mangino – “Hey, stop loafing WR!  You keep that up and you will wind up on welfare and turning tricks in an alley for crack cocaine like that story about your mom you shared with me in a closed door meeting the other day.”

WR – “Hey Coach.  Here’s a thought.  Maybe you should drop your daily caloric intake by, I don’t know, maybe 40,000 calories.  Seriously, do you really need that entire rack of ribs to go with your 22 ounce steak, double cheese-burger and fried okra covered in brown gravy?  I’m just looking out for you.  Well, I am also looking out for the players that keep getting hit by one of your 17 chins when you move suddenly on the sideline.”

Q: How about Jimmy Clausen getting cold-cocked by an angry Irish fan at local bar?

- Gaye Barr, Elkhart, Indiana

A: This had to be the first time anything associated with the Irish was on target this whole season.  My only question is why not track down and punch Charlie Weis?  The guy is pushing 3 bills and his knees are shot.  There is no way he could get away quickly enough to avoid a total pummeling. (please note that Mad Adam, while prone to fits of anger, does not condone nor promote violence against athletes and/or coaches….you know, unless they really deserve it).

Q: As an unabashed fan of front-running, big money teams like the Lakers and Sooners, is it any surprise that you’ve recently declared yourself a Manchester City fan? And even though you’ll do your best to spin the answer, it’s mostly rhetorical, as the indisputable answer is “no.”

- Ed Honcho, Sunbathing on the French Riviera

A: Nice try Ed.  You are clearly trying to bait me into a fit of rage.  However, unlike Tila Tequila, I am not that easy.  You see, what you are failing to tell our readers is that it is “undisputable” that I became a fan of the Blues prior to September 2008 when Man City was purchased by the Abu Dhabi United Group, making it the wealthiest club in the world.

Which means that I became a fan of Man City, a team that has not won silverware since 1976, before this fortuitous twist transformed them into the Champions League chasing team they are today.  So, SUCK IT ED.  Seriously.

Q: Is it true that you’ve been in the same fantasy football league for almost 20 years and never won?

- Bjorn Bjornssen, Hammerfest, Norway

A: Bjorn, now I am starting to get pissed.  Your “source” is mistaken.  Allow me to provide you a history lesson. Yes, I have been in the same fantasy football league since 1988.  In fact, Ed Honcho, myself and friends may have indeed invented fantasy football.

No, it is NOT true that I have failed to ever be crowned champion.  My team has a long and storied history.  I consistently make the playoffs, and I have been in not one, not two, but THREE championship games.  Several years ago Ed Honcho and I squared off in the championship game.  The game ended in a tie according to an on-line fantasy sports site that will not be named.  Incredibly, after nearly two decades of fantasy sports our collective group had never devised a tie-breaker scenario.  So, we declared a tie and the championship was split between Mad Adam and Ed Honcho.

Now things get interesting.  Approximately 6 months later, one of our friends and fellow fantasy owner, we will call him “ass-wipe,” decided to peruse the web-site because he had nothing better to do.  He was surprised to see that the CRAPPY, STUPID AND PROFESSIONALLY NEGLIGENT web-site that shall not be named had changed the score for Jeff Garcia (my starting QB at the time) by one measly STUPID point.  Ass-wipe decides to share this information with the league.  The result? Years of bickering and a COMPLETELY FALSE AND WHOLLY UNSUBSTANTIATED CLAIM of an undisputed and sole championship by Ed.

Many of you may ask, and rightly so, how in the world can you change the score of a fantasy sports championship MONTHS after the fact?  Isn’t that like tuning in for the Super Bowl and watching the Pats lose to the Giants, only to find out the following summer that the NFL had changed its mind and declared that the David Tyree “helmet catch” was an incompletion and the Pats actually won?  Good point.  And Bjorn, you no fantasy knowledge having dude from Hammerfest, did you stop to ask what would have happened if we applied the tie-breaking rules we have today?  No? Well, let me tell you what would have happened. I WOULD HAVE WON.  And, what would have happened if we played the next week (since we tabulated the points just to see)?….wait for it….that’s right….. I WOULD HAVE WON.

Dammit.  Now my blood pressure is though the roof.  Bjorn, I am sure you can see from the foregoing synopsis that in fact I DID WIN A FREAKING CHAMPIONSHIP.  And, if you don’t agree with me then you CAN JUST ENJOY YOUR CITY WHICH REEKS OF REINDEER MANURE.  That’s right, I said it.

Q: Why so angry? Childhood trauma? Life stacked against you? What?

- Adolfo Ocampo, Ushuaia, Argentina

A: As I am sure you can see from the questions posed by some ingrates above, as well as the other stupid topics that got me riled up, there are plenty of reasons I am angry.  SO, STICK YOUR POP PSYCHOLOGY UP YOUR ASS ADOLFO.  I will be sure to call if I ever need your attention.  Don’t hold your breath in the meantime.

Thank you loyal readers.  Until next time, keep watching sports and DON’T PISS ME OFF!!!

Det smäller, exploderar och allt inramas av en ljudkuliss som bäst hör hemma i en stor biosalong med tillhörande toppklass på ljudutrustningen.
Kort sagt, regissören Michael Bay är tillbaka igen.

Det var väl minst sagt ingen större nyhet att Transformers från 2007 också skulle hamna i uppföljarträsket.
Jag tillhörde en av de många som från början var skeptisk när nyheten kablades ut att Bay höll på med en ny modern filmatisering av storyn runt de enorma robotorna som lever sitt eget liv i skepnader av allehanda fordon.
Men, trots att tonvikten låg på explosioner och snitsiga specialeffekter, kändes just Transformers fräsch och fartig och med lite distans till sig själv.

Kanske berodde det på Shia LaBeouf som på något sätt verkade passa alldeles perfekt i rollen som Sam, en lagom dos komik och rännande runt i olika actionstinna scener. Kanske berodde det (troligen) på de makalösa visuella effekterna som spelades upp framför oss, och att Bay på något lustigt sätt lyckades göra de väldiga robotarna väldigt mänskliga under all plåt och elektronik.
När nu storyn återvänder i uppföljaren är det dags för Sam att ta sig till college för att bli en bildad man, mamma Witwicky vill förstås att sonen ska stanna kvar hemma men pappa Witwicky (Kevin Dunn) har redan i huvudet gjort om sonens rum till en hemmabiogaf(!)
Gietvis dröjer det inte länge förrän sakernas tillstånd börjar ändras, och innan vi vet ordet av har Sam återigen dragits in i kampen mellan de goda Autobots och de onda Deceptions.
Den här gången handlar det om sökandet efter en energikälla som går tillbaka så långt som till 17.000 år f.kr.
Puh!

Plats på scen igen för allehanda volter i den fantastiska visuella världen som specialeffekter kan trolla fram.
Det synnerligen konstruerade och ansträngda manuset tar våra hjältar från den ena hållpunkten till den andra, där diverse effekter och händelser sätter dem på hårda prov.
Megan Fox återvänder givetvis som Sams flickvän Mikaela och får i den här filmen anledning att för ett ögonblick tvivla på hans kärlek, innan sanningen givetvis uppdagas och leder till att hon står bakom sin man till hundra procent.

Michael Bay är en man som leverar det han sagt.
Ge honom ett antal miljoner dollar och han förvaltar dem på bästa sätt.
Kungen av popcorn-filmer sparar inte på krutet här och verkar helt enkelt ha bestämt sig för att toppa föregångaren vad gäller effekter per filmruta.
Det blir dock också filmens stora minus. Där föregångaren på många ställen kändes väldigt lekfull och angenämt rolig, blir den här filmen rätt ansträngd i sin iver att framkalla samma känsla.
Det går liksom inte. Nyhetens behag är ju borta. Istället gäller det att dölja bristerna i manuset med så mycket effekter och visuella konster som möjligt.

Skådespelarna gör precis vad de ska och trots ytligheten så går det inte helt att bortse från att Shia LaBeouf är en skådis som växer för varje år som går. Han tillhör helt klart den nya pigga generationen som kommer att rädda Hollywood när Stallone, Ford, Willis och de andra går i pension. Megan Fox gör exakt det hon är inhyrd för, att se toksnygg ut och framhäva sin kropp i alla möjliga vinklar.
I persongalleriet bakom de unga är det extra kul att John Turturro är tillbaka som den helt galne men sköne agenten Seymor Simmons. Turturro spelar över så det står härliga till, men det gör inget i en film av den här kalibern.
Ett antal av den förra filmens figurer flimrar förbi här också, men finns egentligen bara med för formalitetens skull.
Och de riktiga huvudpersonerna då?
Robotarna.
Jo då, de verkar piggare än någonsin. Nästan alla från förra filmen återvänder, och vi introduceras för ett par nya modeller som ställer till allsköns bravader. Optimus Prime leder fortfarande de goda maskinerna och gamle ärkefienden Megatron dyker naturligtvis också upp igen (som om någon hade trott något annat).

Trots filmens ihålighet går det inte att komma ifrån att det är sagolik snyggt gjort. Detaljrikedomen i robotarnas framfart är total. Förutom mästarklassen på effekterna så bjussar Bay i vanlig ordning på ytterst snygga bilder fotade i motljus med en fantastisk färgsammansättning.
Det är godis för ögat och gör sig mer än väl i denna svulstiga produktion.
Bay lovar sina producenter valuta för de investerade pengarna och det finns inget att klaga på vad gäller infriandet av det löftet.
Transformers 2: Revenge of the fallen är snygg yta packad med effekter och lättköpt humor.

Och grejen är att det funkar alldeles utmärkt om man bara vet vad det är man ger sig in i att titta på.

Såg på IGN.com att det går rykten om att Megan Fox karaktär i Transformers filmerna kanske kommer att bli mos i den kommande tredje filmen. Michael Bay dementerar alltihopa men jag hoppas verkligen att det är sant. Revenge of the Fallen hade en hel crapload av problem som gjorde den till en ganska dålig film och Megan Fox var helt klart ett av dem. Förutom att hon har stelopererat hela fejset så såg hon oerhört blasé ut hela filmen igenom. Man blir förvånad de gånger man faktiskt ser de känslor hon uttrycker i sina repliker. Hon känns kort sagt som den mest mekansika och minst levande karaktären, och i en film som handlar helt om gigantiska robotar så är det en sjuhelvetes bedrift.

Det blev en massa stohej om Megan Fox efter första robotrullen men jag fattar inte varför. Hon hade en snygg kropp som hon nu förstört genom att operera upp sig till en livlös påse ben. Hon ser enbart trött/sur/bajsnödig ut (med de nya läpparna ser hon även ut som om hon får en stroke ibland).

Jag är otroligt less på henne och tröstar mig med att hon är “it-girl” just nu. Om hon bara kan låta bli att få ett Britney-breakdown när hon äntligen faller ur pressvargarnas gunst så kommer jag nog slippa se henne efter det.

Whoever said that the standoff at the end of The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly obviously hadn’t seen this epic duel. What Ennio Morricone’s film score masterpiece was to the 20th century, so “Don’t move the boat!” shall be to the 21st.

Two years from now, you’ll be watching Woodpecker Vs. Snake adapted to the big screen with a $300 million operating budget, directed by Michael Bay and starring Will Smith  as the Woodpecker and Eric Bana as the Snake, with a surprise cameo from Jack Nicholson as “Don’t move the boat!” guy. Mark my words.

(via Lindsay Robertson)

Revenge is coming.

Há uns meses atrás, o meu amigo páscoa, que lança foguetes nas festas populares e que de vez em quando faz uns trabalhos para a malta do cinema, ligou-me a dizer que um tal de Miguel Gay (lol), lá da terra das laranjas, lhe fez uma encomenda de 14 toneladas de fogo-de-artifício, para uma curta metragem que iria fazer. Perguntei-lhe se não era para o filme Trasformers: Revenge of The Fallen, ao que me respondeu que essa encomenda era 14 milhões maior. Após ser sujeito a tortura, desde as quais digo que me queriam fazer o mesmo que ao Daniel Craig no Casino Royale ou assistir a uma maratona de filmes do Cantinflas, só me sujeitei a ver este filme após ameaças sérias de não tornar a ver filmes de Uwe Boll. Para começar temos bastantes momentos humorísticos durante os 150 minutos de fita. Desde ver a mãe drogada no Campus Universitário, ao regresso aclamado de John Turturro, várias são as vezes que o sorriso nos aparece na face. Mas pelo contrário, todo o fogo-de-artifício utilizado é pouco para o que se vê em ecrã. O Egipto resistiu a Alexandre, o Grande, a Aníbal, a Júlio César ( o Romano, não o Brasileiro), a Hitler e até ao 007 de Roger Moore, mas não resistiu a Michael Bay. É vê-lo a arrebentar com pirâmides, casa típicas, monumentos históricos. E não satisfeito, polui oceanos com lixo que esta nos porta-aviões, bota fogo a florestas, arrebenta com universidades. Pelos vistos este homem tem um complexo de rebentar. É feliz quando estoira com alguma coisa. Ouvi dizer que o governo egípcio já pôs um prêmio sob a cabeça de Bay, dois camelos e três bolas de cuzcuz. Acreditem ou não, na invasão por parte das tropas dos U.S.A. em areias do país das Pirâmides, vi um chaimite tuga. Ainda falam dos filmes do Uwe Boll, ponham mas é os olhos nisto. Razão tinha o Shia para andar a fazer caricaturas sobre o poster de Bad Boys II. De Michael Bay, com Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, John Turturro, Ramon Rodriguez, Kevin Dunn, Julie WhiteIsabel Lucas, John Benjamin Hickey, Matthew Marsden, Andrew Howard, Michael Papajohn, Glenn Morshower e John Eric Bentley.

Oh Bay, que granda foguete que aqui arrebentou. Foi Pólvora a mais, disse-me agora o tio Páscoa

Bay Sucks

I made a mistake this week. Against all of the advice of my friends and respected critics worldwide I watched Transformers. That wasn’t the mistake I’m referring to though. It was thinking that surely the second film couldn’t be as terrible as the first.

How wrong I was. Over the course of two evenings I have lost forever nearly five hours of my life.

The warnings were all there. A film that begins with the words ‘A Michael Bay’ film and follows quickly on their heels with in conjunction with ‘Hasbro’ could never be a worthwhile use of time.

In both films every scene begins five seconds after it should and ends five second too early in order to move along (for hours!) at a frantic pace, pummeling the viewer continuously with closely framed images that never dwell for too long for fear you may see how ridiculous those images really are. They jump from scene to scene without bothering to inform the viewer where they might be dragged along to next and not pausing for even a moment to allow them to try and adjust to the shift.

It’s as if whole pages of script and dialogue were tossed aside in the edit suite because they were deemed to slow down the pace.

Which is a shame because it is only when the characters actually open their mouths to speak that the film(s) deliver anything close to entertainment (and I’m being incredibly kind by saying that). Sam’s relationship with his parents for example occasionally points towards an attempt on the writers part to inject humour and pathos into the mix and highlights the writing talent that is sadly not on display elsewhere in the films(s).

If I could be bothered I could quite happily detail all of the plot machinations and exposition but only because it is so simplistic and childish as to be almost totally transparent. NOT because that information shone through as a result of Mr Bay’s heavy-handed intelligent film making.

I imagine that Michael Bay was one of those children who played with his toys making up stories and adventures for them that he acted out in his bedroom or in the garden. Hell we all did. Thankfully not all of us were inspired to craft a career from the experience.

November 23, 2009

“What kind of software do you use?” is the most frequently asked question and possibly the stupidest one that I’ve ever heard!  Software doesn’t write your story, you do. – - from The Angry Filmmaker Survival Guide Part One

That one should pretty much explain itself, shouldn’t it?

Also … Stop watching movies!  You can only learn so much from movies.  Read books to learn how to tell stories!  Visit museums and look at paintings if you want to learn composition and lighting!   And Live Life!!!  We don’t need anymore lame ass movies about making movies, THEY’VE BEEN DONE TO DEATH!  We also don’t need another Spielberg, Lucas, Cameron, Bay or Tarantino.  We are still stuck with the originals and their stuff is boring!  And no more Young Hot Vampire Shit either!  It’s boring.

I have been home for a couple weeks and have been doing some gigs at the local schools here which has been nice.  I’ve also been working on a few things on my editing system, you’ll know about those soon enough.

I have been showing up on blogs and podcasts so I haven’t been totally out of the loop.

I just picked up a great quote from a fellow I admire and respect, here it is.

“Read this book and you will not only SURVIVE but you will SUCCEED. One of the best books on making your way through the independent filmmaking jungle with justifiably-angry filmmaker Kelley Baker as your top-notch guide: Funny, profane and committed to telling the unblemished truth. Don’t make your next movie until you’ve read this terrific book.”

John Gaspard
Author, “Digital Filmmaking 101,” “Fast, Cheap and Under Control,” and “Fast, Cheap and Written That Way.”

So what else is in my damn book!

1.  The Independent Film world is full of liars.

3.     Important Law in the Hollywood Film Business:  No one ever gets fired for saying “NO!”  They only get fired for saying “yes” and costing the company money

The Angry Filmmaker Survival Guide Part One: Making The Extreme No Budget Film.  It’s full of things to help you make your film.  So why haven’t you bought it!

Go to my site, (www.angryfilmmaker.com) and buy it for a mere $16.95 + $3 S&H.

So buy it already.

I would really appreciate it if people who have purchased my book could go to Amazon.com and write a review.  Please tell your friends about the book, but don’t let them buy it on Amazon, send them to my site.  I make more money that way.

On to other stuff.

Don’t forget to check out my tour sponsors, Show Biz Software, (www.showbizsoftware.com), Pollard Design (www.pollarddesign.com), Zoom Creates (www.zoomcreates.com), and Cheezy Flicks (www.cheezyflicks.com ).  If you haven’t checked out their sites and their services, you better.

And I’m welcoming a new Sponsor, Film Slug, (www.filmslug.com) but more about them later…

As always, feel free to link to my site and you can subscribe to my blog.  So what are you waiting for?

Talk later.

Kelley

www.angryfilmmaker.com

I am so pumped! I have finally received my Autographed by Michael Bay Transformers Revenge of the Fallen DVD today in the mail! This is the coolest thing ever! And it’s actually signed!

Here in the picture you can see my current Transformers ROTF collection so far. The biggest poster on the left is an actually movie poster from the theaters and it has two sides for some reason. But anyway im super pumped and the bumblebee toy i have in my right hand actually transformers into the camaro. It is so detailed! Woot!

And the DVD I am holding is signed by Michael Bay himself!

]]> http://allseriestrekvar.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/megan-fox-no-morira-en-transformers-3/ Mon, 23 Nov 2009 16:32:55 +0000 TrekVar http://allseriestrekvar.wordpress.com/2009/11/23/megan-fox-no-morira-en-transformers-3/

¿Quién dijo que Megan no estaría en ‘Transformers 3‘?. Finalmente y como mucha gente pensaba, Megan Fox será participe de la tercera entrega de los Transformers. A pesar de los polémicos comentarios que Megan Fox ha venido haciendo sobre la saga ‘Transformers’ , con un principal foco de atención centrado en su director Michael Bay, parece que la actriz se encuentra en plenas garantías de retomar su papel en la próxima película. USA Today habló recientemente con Bay, quien comentó el papel que Megan desempeñará en ‘Transformers 3′ , y donde confirmó que para nada matarán a su personaje: “Ella tendrá un gran papel en ‘Transformers 3′” , comentó. “Actualmente estamos trabajando en el guión.”. ¿Entonces usted nunca ha pensado en vengarse, por ejemplo, matando al personaje?, pregunta el periodista. “No, no, no, para nada. Ella ha conseguido ganarse el estar en el proyecto.” Queda claro que Bay no es un hombre rencoroso, ya que la actriz ha despotricado todo lo que ha querido y más. Claro que el gancho de Megan es bastante fuerte, y seguro que eso también ayudó al director a tomar la decisión. Ella lo sabe, y por eso se toma alguna licencia.

‘Transformers 3′ se estrenará el 1 de Julio de 2011. Pueden leer el artículo completo AQUÍ.

Estos últimos meses el director de Transformers 1 y 2 y la protagonista femenina Megan Fox se tiraron varios dardos, y han mantenido un tira y afloja estos meses atrás, pero parece ser que las cosas vuelven a ir por el cauce habitual y ya se llevan bien, de momento…

Es por eso que Michael Bay ha declarado que Megan Fox tendrá mucho protagonismo en la tercera entrega de la taquillera saga de los robots que se transforman, y es más ha declarado que no se la piensa cepillar (matar).

Así pues todos los fans de Megan (en los que me incluyo, por supuesto) debemos de sentirnos más que satisfechos y respirar tranquilos, por que Michael Bay no se cargará a la mujer más sexy del mundo.

I hate, hate, hate people who look at movies–especially older movies–as just a step in the line to the movies we have today.  It’s a slap in the face to life, by extension, and I will explain why. (Foswi, this is primarily for you.)

I am a staunch historian, and I thoroughly believe in the value of studying history.  If you do not, you might as well stop reading this blog.  We’ll just never get along.  To that extent, is it useless to study ancient warfare in a modern context?  Are there no pracitical applicable lessons to be learned from tactics that defy era, technology, or weaponry?  I think you out there in someplacewhereyou’restaringatacomputerscreen should be thinking to yourself, “No, there is value in knowing that stuff…”  Because  you’re right.

Or, let’s think of this in terms of books.  Does it make sense to stop reading  Hamlet, To Kill a Mockingbird, 1984, The Lord of the Rings, Black Boy, Brave New World, Romeo and Juliet, The Giver, etc. just because there are the Harry Potter series, the Twilight books, the Time Traveler’s Wife, and various James Patterson and Stephen King books topping the New York Times Bestseller list?  Should we leave the past behind and only allow only what is new and pretty and shiny to be let in?

I think not.

The problem is the genre of film allows this to easily happen.  And many people who watch movies (or passively read about movies) tend to think only the little that is said without thorough investigation into the actuality of history.

Point 1: Michael Bay is awesome…but not really.

The Island

Michael Bay, as many know, is the champion of all things pretty, and mind-numbingly explosive.  After all, you don’t make a name for yourself with blockbusters like Bad Boys, Bad Boys II, The Rock, Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, The Island, Transformers, and Transformers II (directed all by Bay) without some level of skill.  I mean, seriously.  That’s an impressive list of movies, with impressive DVD sales, and everything.

But let us be honest.  The movies star nice looking people, blow a lot of things up, include heart-racing, adrenaline pumping, action and car chases (or meteorite destroying drill malfunctions, what have you), and fun technological advances.  They’re like James Bond films…just without James Bond.

These movies have made millions.  They have loyal fans of adults, teenagers, and children alike.  They’re fun to watch, made millions in the movie theaters.  But they suck.  They have no deeper meaning, make me thoughtful in no way, and generally make me dumber, because I actually could have been learning something while I was wasting time watching pretty people run around.

Point 2: There is more to history than just history.

Citizen Kane

A friend of mine (after reading a former post of mine) responded thusly:

I’ll disregard the opinion of anyone who thinks Citizen Kane is great for anything more than its innovative transitions and camera angles.

While said tongue-in-cheek, there is, I know, a part of him that believes this to be true.  And this is why I am angry.  I love Citizen Kane, in the same way I love Schindler’s List.  Sure it’s a little on the long side, but the story is great, the acting is believable, the direction is flawless, and the overall impact: unforgettable.

The ease with which Americans, modern people, I’m not sure who this list should (or actually does) include, forget the past when it comes to movies is disturbing.  Yes, movies are more entertaining today.  Movie from yore are a little boring.

Except that’s not true.  I defy anyone to watch The Apartment and not be complete enraptured.  Peeping Tom is one of the creepiest movies I’ve ever seen.  (If you have a Netflix account, I believe it is streaming live.   You should go watch it now.  Better than Drag Me To Hell.  Creepier.  Stranger.  More interesting.)  And you know what, It Happened One Night is the quintessential romance that cannot be improved upon in a modern way.  There are just old movies that age well, and have stayed good for a reason.  Citizen Kane is one of them.  Beyond the transitions and camera angles. (We’ve all heard the “Oh my gosh, there’s a ceiling” reaction.)  But let’s talk about the role the dining room table plays in the movie.  Did you ever think about that? Or how about the scene where Welles types out the rest of a horrible review of his wife’s disastrous operatic debut?  The acting is top notch, better than Sean Penn in Milk.

I am struck by many things.  Here’s a short list:

• People today seem so averse to watching older, or just pain old, films.
• People tend to devalue the impact of older movies because modern counterparts tends to be more engaging, which they equate with “better.”
• People tend to devalue the fact that most older movies have a deeper theme than most modern movies, even modern movies based in classic stories.

This is why the market for older movies should be booming, not dying away.  This is why people should actually sit down and become their own movie reviewer.  If you take the time to watching a movie a week, you’ll watch AFI’s Top 100 movie list in less than two year.  Probably less than a year, considering you’ve seen a lot of them.

Why is it people are so ready to agree, or disagree with the statements of critics and film historians, but are so rarely willing to make their own original statements about the movies themselves.  People, you, staring at your own screen.  Say what’s on your mind.  Be willing to say Citizen Kane sucked, but don’t you dare say it’s boring without backing it up.  I’m not about opinion’s with no evidence.

Just have an opinion, and make it your own.