Una revisión con Jerry Lawler y Michael Cole, a los encuentros confirmados para el PPV Survivor Series 2009:

1. World Title Match: The Undertaker © vs. Chris Jericho vs. The Big Show
2. WWE Title Match: John Cena © vs. HBK vs. HHH
3. Traditional Survivor Series Match: TEAM MORRISON: John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Evan Bourne, Shelton Benjamin, Finlay vs. TEAM MIZ: The Miz, Drew McIntyre, Sheamus, Dolph Ziggler, Jack Swagger
5. Traditional Survivor Series Match: TEAM MICKIE: Mickie James, Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly, Melina, Gail Kim vs. TEAM MCCOOL: Michelle McCool, Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix, Layla, Alicia Fox.
7. Traditional Survivor Series Match: TEAM KOFI: Kofi Kingston, Mark Henry, MVP, R-Truth, Christian vs. TEAM ORTON: Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, William Regal, CM Punk
9. Rey Mysterio vs. Batista

Este suena en el papel, como uno de los PPVs más interesantes de los últimos meses, a pesar de detalles, como el hecho de Chistian no sea el capitán de su equipo, a pesar de ser un campeón mundial

March 28, 1999
Live from Philadelphia, PA.
Your hosts: Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler

WWF Hardcore Title: Billy Gunn vs. Hardcore Holly vs. Al Snow (w/Head).
Holly is insanely over at this time with the crowd. Holly suplexes Snow on the outside. Snow beats down them with a hockey stick. Gunn thumps him with a food-tray and then breaks a stick over Holly’s back. Snow goes low on him with the broomstick and does some kung-fu stuff. Snow nails Holly with a broomstick and beats up Gunn. Al takes Head and nails both guys. He places up a table in the corner. Holly sends Snow through the table. Gunn hits Snow on the chair with his finisher. As Gunn is pinning Snow, Holly nails him with a chair, and pins Snow himself @ 7:06. Defiantly not a masterpiece, but had some fun spots and got the crowd into it. Not the worst way to start off the PPV,but not the best either. It was funny that everyone who held the hardcore title, which had no credibility, got over immensely with the crowd. * ½

• Highlights are shown from Tag Team Battle Royal hyping up the next match.

WWF Tag Team Titles: Owen Hart & Jeff Jarrett (w/Debra) vs. Test & D’Lo Brown (w/Ivory).

The Tag Titles here meant less than they did now, and they wouldn’t pick up until Edge, Christian and the Hardy Boys came along. D’Lo goes for the Powerbomb, but Owen comes off the top and missile dropkicks him. Jarrett rolls into a jackknife for the win @ 3:58. Four minutes for a tagteam match on Wrestlemania!? Give me a break. At least they tried to pack as much as they can in such little time they had, but they couldn’t do that much in four minutes. * ¼

• People give their opinion on the Butterbean vs. Bart Gunn match, as they try to hype it up.

Brawl For All: Butterbean vs. Bart Gunn.

Butterbean catches him with a solid right and stubbles him. He tilts in and knocks Gunn down. Gunn says he’s alright, but Butterbean moves in and nails him with a right cross @ 0:35. Well that’s one way to get a famous person on the show;however, it still sucked.  N/R

Winner Referee’s the Main Event: Paul Wight vs. Mankind.

This was around the time where they couldn’t think of a name for Paul, but then they finally came up with Big Show, and it stuck with him. Show misses a swing. Mankind puts Mr. Socko in. Show starts fighting out of it, but Mankind keeps the hold in. Show finally picks him up and squashes him down to the canvas.  On the outside of the ring, Show hits Foley with a chair. Big Show then beats up Mankind in the ring, and eventually draws a DQ @ 6:50. Vince McMahon comes out pissed, and he starts yelling at Big Show for ruining the plain; then Vince pimp slaps Big Show, and then Big Show levels him. Vince wants to have Big Show the ref because he wants to give Austin a disadvantage, but Big Show screws the plain up. The match would have been better placed on Raw rather than the number one PPV of the year. Also, am I the only one who finds it funny that this beatdown put Mankind out of action, but his fiercer beat downs didn’t? ¼*

• Backstage, Vince wants Big Show to be arrested.

WWF Intercontinental Title, Four Corners: Road Dogg vs. Val Venis vs. Goldust (w/the Blue Meanie & Ryan Shamrock) vs. Ken Shamrock.

Ryan wounded up screwing Val, Billy Gunn, and Golddust to irate Shamrock, whore! Shamrock and Dogg start out the match. RD hits a dropkick and tags in Golddust. Golddust strikes away and throws Shamrock in Val’s corner. Val tags in and attacks Shamrock.Road Dog counters a Northern-Light and gets the Shake, Rattle, and Roll. Shamrock puts in the anklelock, but Val makes it to the ropes. They take it to the outside, and fight up the walkway where they both get counted out. Road Dog and Goldust are left. Shamrock obliterates them. Ryan by mistake grabs Golddust’s ankle, costing him. He gets a powerslam, but Road Dog rolls through it @ 9:47. No story, no structure and zero-percent of psychology; a bunch of spots thrown into one match with no flow. *

Kane vs. Triple H.

A San Diego Chicken comes out and goes after Kane. It turns out to be Pete Rose, but Kane gives him a TombStone, and it is enough distraction for Triple H to sneak behind and lowblow Kane. Kane tosses HHH away after some punches. Triple H sends him to the floor, but Kane lands on his feet, and pulls HHH out. Hunter irish-whips him into the steps.  Triple H gets him over and slams his face on the announce table. Kane nails H’s ribs into the ring-post. In the ring, Kane throws Hunter to the turnbuckle. Chyna then makes her way down to the ring. Hunter gets out of a Tombstone. Kane charges with the steel steps, but Hunter kicks them back in his face. Hunter trips him,and Kane goes face first into the steps. Triple H lariats him over the top. He goes for the Pedigree on the ring steps, but Kane backdrops him. Kane gets the chokeslam, and Chyna gets up on the apron with a chair. Kane turns him back and whack! SWERVE!  Kane wins by dq @ 11:30. HHH and Chyna start doing a beat down on Kane and DX lives on. Couldn’t Chyna have turned on Kane, and still gave us a real finish; seriously, who wants to see a DQ finish on Wrestlemania? Nothing reached 2^nd gear in this match up; kind of felt like both wrestlers were on auto-pilot.  It is amazing how much HHH would improve over the course of this year. ¾*

WWF Women’s Title: Sable vs. Tori.

Sable gets on the mic, and whoever thought it was a good idea for her to talk should have been fired. Tori wrestles her down and punches her in the face. Tori nails her with a sunset flip. Tori accidentally takes out the referee. Tori mingles out of the Sablebomb and goes for her own—but Nicole Bass press slams her. Sable finishes Tori with the Sablebomb at 5:06. This is not even the worse match of the night. -*

European Title: Shane McMahon (w/Test) vs. X-Pac.

Shane avoids the Broncobuster and runs. Test illegal attacks X-Pac from behind and puts him groin first in the ring post. Shane gets pimp slaps X-Pac around. He misses the Corporate Elbow, but Test distracts the ref while Shane gives X-Pac a low blow. Shane takes Test’s belt and beats up X-Pac. Shane to the top, but X-Pac dropkicks him on the top rope. Test takes X-Pac to the outside, but the Pac dodges him. X-Pac kicks the poop out of Shane and nails the Broncobuster. Test gets in and levels him with the belt. Shane misses the Broncobuster. X-Pac nails a spinning wheel kick on Test; followed by the Broncobuster on Test. Triple H runs down and pulls Test out. Chyna distracts the ref long enough, but HHH turns on X-Pac. Shane covers and gets the win at 8:41. The Corporation beats down X-Pac, but Kane makes the save. Shocking swerve by HHH; at least at the time. It was surprising to see of all the matches in the mid-card; this was the best one out of all of them. It would have been better with less overbooking, less inconsistency of the rules and more time. But overall, it was still a solid match, which felt like a breath of fresh air compared to the other crap on this show. ** ½

Hell in the Cell: Undertaker (w/Paul Bearer) vs. Big Bossman.

They trade blows, and Taker gets a near-fall off a clothesline. Bossman comes back with a neckbreaker. Taker starts beating him down. Taker jolts him into the cell’s post. Bossman ties Taker up with chains and hits him with his nightstick. The cuffs snap and Taker falls down. Taker gets busted open. Taker hits him with a chairshot. Taker rams Bossman into the cell. Taker hits a flying clothesline for only 2.Taker goes up but can’t hit the Ropewalk forearm because the Cell in too small. Bossman takes the advantage and crotches him on the rope. Taker comes back with the Tombstone Piledriver for the three @ 9:46. Heel vs. Heel barely ever works because the fans don’t know who to cheer for or to boo, so it usually ends up being a dead and a not very interesting crowd. Not only did that take place, the match was awful also. Not the worse match I have ever seen, not even Taker’s worse match I have ever seen, but still pretty damn bad. -***

WWF Heavyweight Title, No DQ: The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Jim Ross replaces Michael Cole and commissioner Shawn  Michaels removes Vince McMahon as ref. Austin and Rock brawl in the crowd, which. They fight to the staging area where Austin throws him into the railing. Austin tries a piledriver, but Rock backdrops him.Austin comes back and stomps a mudpile in the nuts. Austin strangles him with an extension cord and whips Rock into the entrance sign. Back near the announce tables, Rock gives him a water spot. Austin Snake Eyes him on the ring barrier, and follows by an elbow through the Spanish table. Back in, Rock hits a Rock Bottom. ONE-TWO-THR—NO! Rock gets a chair, but Austin takes it away from him. Austin hits the referee with the chair on accident. Austin blocks a chair shot, but can’t hit the Stunner. Rock beats on him with the chair. Tim White comes in. ONE-TWO-NO. Rock puts in a chinlock. Austin fights out of the chin lock but runs into a Samoan Drop for 2. Rock takes the ref out with a Rock Bottom. Rock turns around right into the Stunner! Rock does his overselling on the Stunner. Earl Hebner is the new ref. ONE, TWO, THRE-NO! Vince McMahon comes down and distracts Austin. McMahon nails Earl Hebner and joins the Rock in beating down Austin. Mankind comes out and throws Vince out of the ring. Austin gets two off a schoolboy, but hits a Thez Press. Rock regroups with the Rock Bottom. The Corporate Elbow misses, and Austin counters another Rock Bottom to the Stunner. ONE-TWO THREE! Austin wins @ 16:51. The typical Russo overbooking works here as this match is very fun. Not on par with their matches to come such as WM-17 and 19, but a great effort here. Some noticeable flaws in the match, and an obvious botch, but it didn’t make this less exciting. The match really didn’t have a dull moment, which it good, but I could have gone without the typical Attitude Era crowd brawling. The final sequence was really put together well, and created some good drama. One of the best matches of WWF in 1999, but that’s not really saying much. *** ½

Going Home: This is what happens when you allow Russo to book a Wrestlemania; it turns out to be one of the worse ones up to date. 2 out of 10 of the matches are above bad, and everything else basically is garbage. Wrestlemania should be about wrestling, mostly. Of course you can have your actors, famous people, and all the other entertainment stuff, but Wrestlemania is you’re “A” show, and you should build previous shows up for this one. In this case, Russo used this show to build up angles for the future, and for the show. Wrestlemania shouldn’t be based on storylines and angles; it should be focused on the wrestling. Raw is where you mostly focus on angles and storylines. It is pretty much 101 booking that you use TV shows to build up PPV. Russo still to this day does not understand that concept, and TNA’s buyrates are that low for that reason.

Two Thumbs Way Down.

• Kelly Kelly defeated Gail Kim in a somewhat sloppy match in which her family was in the front row for.  Odd – usually talent is humiliated when performing at home.  At least she doesn’t get stuck with Vince McMahon duty.  Gail Kim took a nasty looking spill from the top turnbuckle.  In TNA, Gail was sharp as they come, but in WWE she seems to be missing moves regularly.  Surely they’re not giving that to her as a gimmick…right?
• In what I would call an unbelievable upset, Goldust and Tommy Dreamer defeated Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson.  No, I’m not kidding.  Goldust pinned Kozlov.  Seriously – one, two, three.  Goldust and Dreamer won.  Quit looking at me like that.  If it makes you feel better, Kozlov and Jackson demolished Dreamer and Goldust after the match.  At least Dreamer had an elbow pad on this week so we didn’t have to see his elbow again.
• Eric Escobar and Drew McIntyre defeated Matt Hardy and R-Truth, proving once again that…uh…pretty much anyone can defeat Matt Hardy and R-Truth.  Vickie Guerrero was at ringside, and man was she annoying.  Not really much to say on this one.
• Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler covered for the Smackdown commentary team as Todd Grisham had the night off and Jim Ross recently suffered his third bout of Bell’s Palsy.  The same will also be the case tonight on Smackdown.

Jim Ross (2007) / Photo by Mshake3 - Wikipedia.org

Jim Ross sufrió un tercer ataque de Bell’s Palsy (Parálisis de Bell) durante un vuelo de Oklahoma hacia Carolina del Sur la noche del lunes. Ross publico lo siguiente :

Yo me sentía capaz de llegar con los médicos de la WWE que se encontraban en Jacksonville para tomar los medicamentos que necesitaba para comenzar a frenar la parálisis. Ahora sólo nos queda esperar y ver cómo funcionan los medicamentos. Mis planes inmediatos son estar en las grabaciones de SD al lado de Jerry Lawler y tal vez incluso con Michael Cole para que podamos asegurarnos de que podemos hacer el trabajo con el talento que se merecen

Todo indica que Jerry Lawler ocupará el lugar de Ross en los comentarios de Smackdown, cuya grabación será esta noche

Para bien y para mal, Beth Phoenix se alejará de los segmentos cómicos de Santino / Photo by Quizzx @ Flickr

Durante las grabaciones de Smackdown, se insinuó que podría haber otro encuentro RAW vs Smackdown en el PPV Bragging Rights, y en este caso, con las Divas como protagonistas, pero no se sabe si sería un mano a mano, parejas, o quizá equipos

En un dato adicional de las grabaciones, Michael Cole reemplazó a Jim Ross en la narración, debido a que Ross tenía la noche libre por su aniversario de bodas

I’ve officially give up on making witty posts about all the stuff that happened during my hiatus. This is due to a case of the flu and no internet. So, instead I’ll get back to my regular scheduled programming. I am hoping to tomorrow get two of those posts up, but the rest are probably never going to see the light of day, oh well.

What I didn’t want to miss was my chance to talk about the 10th anniversary of Smackdown (oh and I’ll be reviewing the DVD soon). Now, I didn’t watch Smackdown for all of it’s ten years, for a long time I was at best and occasional viewer and at worst, completely ignorant to the world of the WWE. However, when I got back into wrestling, I did so with a vegeance and made it my mission to catch up on everything I’d missed (plus I had a boyfriend who’d been big into the Attitude era and was a huge DX fan, so there were periods where I did watch, mostly at the beginning).

It was a great show. I loved the backstage celebration (especially the drunk Michael Cole), the over the top main event, and most of all, the return of Smackdown’s biggest superstar. The Man was practically bouncing with excitement to see his beloved Rock back on TV, to issue in the 10th anniversary of his show. It was a short clip, but the fans were growing wild and it was appropriate for the 10th anniversary episode, as was the Eddie Guererro tribute.

Milestones are tricky, in the fact that they can either be momentous occasions or fall terribly flat of expectations. For the 10th anniversary of Smackdown, the WWE did everything right. Every match, every segment, it all felt natural and right and if this is an example, I think we can count on ten more solid years of entertainment from Smackdown!

When Bruce Springsteen broke up the E Street Band and left the Jersey Shore for the California sun it seemed like the end of the world as we knew it. Some fans didn’t think he could pull off a career without them, others were pissed off that he decided to try and there were still others like myself who didn’t really care as long as he was still making music. After the two albums, Human Touch and Lucky Town, released in March 1992 tanked on the Billboard chart, I guess folks like me were in the minority.

I didn’t care how many records he sold or he brought with him on tour, I just wanted to see him live. He decided to bypass Houston, so I made the trek up to Reunion Arena in Dallas in early December with my girlfriend (soon to be wife) and the guy who went on to become Michael Cole, the announcer for the WWE.  We sat in the last row about as far away from the stage as you could get, but it didn’t matter, I was just happy to be there.  Although the sound was pretty horrible the entire night, the show rocked. “Light of Day” and “Roll of the Dice” were highlights, “Glory Days” was great and so was a solo version of “Soul Driver.”  “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” was played after the lights came up and people were heading out. Bruce donned a Santa hat and said….”Don’t leave. We’ve got one more for ya.”

The only weird moment of the night came during “Badlands.” When Bruce ripped into a guitar solo where the sax solo should be, it felt like the air had been let out of the balloon and you realized how much the you missed the “Big Man” and how much the E Street Band brought to his music. However, I will say this, Crystal Taliefero (who can play anything), did one hell of a job on the sax solo during “Born To Run.”

While you could tell Bruce was feeding off the energy of the new, young band, he still appeared nervous and out of place during various points of the show. Unlike previous tours, when he spoke to the audience it was brief and he would often scratch his head like he was trying to find the right words. It was almost like he was trying to keep the talking to a minimum so no one would talk back. With all that said, Springsteen delivered a great night of music as always, and as we would find out a few years later, he found his way back to E Street.

Michael Cole and I stopped by Dan Stout’s Colossal Mastering to finish up the Jordan Years record. It is sounding nice folks!

-Mr Andersen

Lilian garcía cantando el himno nacional norteamericano (Octubre 2008) / Photo by jamesandtim

Lilian García tendrá su último show con WWE esta noche en Arkansas, en su Twitter ya vemos sus comentarios al respecto:

Estoy en el aeropuerto esperando para abordar mi vuelo a Little Rock, Arkansas. Me siento algo emocional sabiendo que es mi último día en RAW. Voy a extrañar a todos!!!

PWI señala que las negociaciones para quién tomará el puesto de Lilian aún no concluyen, por lo cuál es poco probable que alguna cara nueva aparezca esta noche, además WWE tiene varios nombres que pueden tomar el rol sin problemas, desde el miembro del Salón de la Fama Howard Finkel, hasta su roster de comentaristas, como Michael Cole (Sin contar nuevas Divas como Savannah)

It’s been a while since my last post – as I mentioned, if the WWE was going to give John Cena the strap at Wrestlemania I was going to go on a self-imposed break from watching wrestling, as it just hasn’t been worth my time as of late. I really couldn’t take another Cena victory lap at a ppv show. Well of course, Cena won and in turn I took my break. I think there has been about 5 title changes since then as well -and oh by the way, it looks like Cena is poised for yet another victory lap at Summer Slam.

Irregardless of the chaotic situation with the WWE, and the direction (or lack there-of) they are heading in, I’d like to turn my attention to the TNA.

A few months ago I posted a piece pertaining to the TNA (yes, the) where I outlined what it was that TNA had going for them as would-be competition for the WWE. I also illustrated where they could improve. Here it is, five or so months later it would appear that the TNA is doing exactly as I thought they should.

According to the various reports, it appears that Jeff Jarrett is on the outs with Dixie Carter. For people like me, who want to see another wrestling company grow so that they can be viable competition for the stagnant WWE, this is outstanding news.

As I’ve mentioned, and I’ll do so again, when it comes to pro-wrestling as a business, the Jarrett family are failures. The TNA was not going anywhere with Jeff at the helm. It looks like Dixie Carter is consolidating her power within the company and I couldn’t be happier. I don’t expect this to mean that there will be a ratings war anytime soon – but what it does mean is that we might now have the potential to see one in the years ahead. Whereas with Jarrett booking in the company, working in the front office, etc, etc, the TNA was doomed to an eternity of mediocrity. So in the grand scheme of things, this is a more than positive development.

Let’s now turn out attention to the TNA accouncing situation. In past posts I’ve lamented the sad state of the pro-wrestling tv announcing situation. At times I can’t figure out who is worse, is it Mike Tenay? Michael Cole? Don West? Joey Matthews? Jim Ross? – the fact is they are all terrible to bad at best (for my money though, I still can’t think of anyone worse than Cole). In the same piece I also mentioned I have also taken the Tenay-West team to task for how bad it truly was. I am more than pleased to see the TNA tweak their annoucning booth. As a broadcaster Taz is one of the better ones out there. He falls well below my standards of what I am looking for in a wrestling announcer, but he’s as good as it’s going to get. So instead of Tenay-West, we still have Tenay but teamed now with Taz. This is not ideal, Tenay is still there after all and Taz is certainly no Jesse Ventura. He’s also a voice that is associated with the WWE brand, so it still shows us that the TNA has an identity crisis at present – but it’s definitely a move in the right direction. I think Taz will actually fit in well with the TNA. The TNA talent roster is drenched in mediocrity and Taz will be able to sell the angles, booking and talent far better than Don West would ever be able to.

So there is hope. I would also like to point to the fact that, according to the reports, the TNA is actually winning over the UK viewers – they are getting higher ratings than the WWE. This certainly raised my eyebrows and I’m sure it did the same over at Titan Towers.

We are still a long long way away from the WWE-WCW days of 1997, but hey – who knows what can happen.

Thumbs up TNA.

The Jordan Years performing “See the Light” live at Black Gate Sessions June 12, 2009. myspace.com/thejordanyears

THE JORDAN YEARS
Wes Restless – Vocals
Michael Cole – Keys
Roger Panella – Guitar
Joe Dorenbos – Drums
Mike Andersen – Bass

-Mr Andersen

The jury’s still out on the whole guest host thing. It’s a shrewd business move and I’m not necessarily against it, but it would have been nice to see a few more former wrestlers getting a night with the mic. Jobs for the boys and all that. For me, ZZ Top hosting was hideous. But I’m really not a fan of theirs so it felt kind of pointless.

Everyone loves Shaq. Even people like me who get turned off by the whole bad boy thuggery of the NBA and get sick of hearing about King James. So I was certainly looking forward to this one. He didn’t disappoint. In fact, Vince should keep him on the books and snap him up the minute he hangs his high-tops up for good.

Shaq was eager to get to work straight away and set up a 5-man Beat-the-Clock challenge up. Whichever fella beats their opponent the quickest becomes number one contender against Randy Orton at Summerslam. But, oh dear, looks like the be-suited genius that is Chris Jericho has a little beef with Shaq. If someone gets a poster made of Shaq kissing Jericho’s forehead, make me a copy at the same time? I’ll put it up in my office and look at it in moments of general malaise and aggravation. How they both kept from cracking thoughout that segment is beyond me. And the crowd’s spontaneous chanting of CHRIS-TI-NA (Shaq’s new moniker for Jericho) made my heart smile.

Shaq flicked Jericho away with one finger, so Chris decided to introduce him to his new tag-partner. It would appear that just 24 hours in the company of Chris Jericho has rubbed off on Show. Ooooh, look at him in his stylish bespoke suit.

Ok, so pretty much every piece of clothing Big Show owns is going to be bespoke. I doubt even High n Hefty or Lofty n Mighty or whatever those shops are called stock Big Show Size as standard. The verbal slanging match between Show and Shaq ping-ponged back and forth beautifully as Shaq challenged Show to a match. Show wriggled his way out of it with a wordy theory on why he would not accept the invitation. Oh and…………

Shaq was determined to make the tag champs fight SOMEONE that night, so he put Cryme Tyme in front of them, leaving the champs to scuttle away up the ramp.

With that hilarity done and dusted it was time for some fisticuffs and the first man jostling for that number one contender spot was Mark Henry, up against Carlito. Bad luck, Carlito. You drew the short straw on that one. Carlito decided to implement the tactic of flying kicks and piggybacks in the hope that he could topple Henry and keep him down long enough for the pin. But just like a really huge Weeble, Mark Henry rolled back to his feet again and smooshed Carlito in to the canvas. You remember Weebles, right? Those freaky, egg shaped people that always swung back up no matter how much you knocked them down?

Looks more like a chubby CM Punk weeble than Mark Henry, but you get the idea.

Mark Henry wrapped his hands around Carlito and finished him off in 6 minutes, 49 seconds.

Moving on and the brand new Diva’s Champion, Mickie James, brought Kelly-Kelly and Gail Kim along to take on Beth Phoenix, Rosa Mendes and Alicia Fox. This is exciting. No. REALLY! First off, Beth is back and without even a whiff of Santina. Second….err….off (?) a storyline involving Mickie and Beth is a female feud I think people will actually get behind.  Mickie has always held a special place in my heart. Her feud with Trish Stratus was brilliant. I’d love to see something that big again. Do it!

From one blast from the past to another, part two of the Beat the Clock Challenge involved M.V.P vs Chris Masters. Yep! Chris Masters! Back in the ring and clean as a whistle. I’m guessing.  Proof positive that the there is always a road back to WWE.  One thing though, if you’re gonna go down the spray tan route, you need to make sure you get it everywhere. That means lifting your arms when you stand in the tanning booth, Chris. Ask Randy to go with you next time.

Both were out of the ring too long and were counted out. No M.V.P vs Randy Orton at Summerslam. Shocker!!!

Another break from Beat the Clock – The Brian Kendrick vs Kofi Kingston. Kendrick was giving Jerry Lawler some verbal heat when Kofi Kingston took him out with a kick in the face and ended the match.  A few days later Vince McMahon metaphorically punched Kendrick in the stomach and ended his contract.

Back to business and it was time for Triple H to take Cody Rhodes on for his ten millionth shot at Randy. But wait, what’s this? Ted DiBiase ran out with some form of truncheon and gave Hunter a big whack on the back of the knee.

Cody Rhodes did the most camp little run out to the ramp ever (watch it again, you’ll see what I mean) and Triple H limped out to the ring. In the words of my brother, “Triple H has got the best fake limp in the business.” But that’s probably because he’s had a lot of practice with real limps. I believe that’s called method acting.

The match trundled along nicely and I was super impressed when Triple H pulled off a dainty pilates move when he reversed Cody’s figure-4. The countdown was getting close and Triple H really needed to stop messing with his prey and finish the job. But Ted DiBiase reappeared and began doing a strange little leg dance which, with a bit more effort and a few additional spins and head flicks, he could totally have turned in to Jennifer Beals’ Maniac dance in Flashdance. If you’ve never seen it, watch. It is a thing of fitness beauty.

Same leg movements as Jennifer. Trust me.

At first it seemed odd that DiBiase even got involved in the end of the match. There appeared to be no point to it. But all became clear when Triple H gave his Josh Matthews interview later on. More on that in a bit. Cody was pinned but after the time had expired. No dice for Hunter.

Time for some light relief, so we go to Shaq’s office where he is playing an epic game of scrabble with Santino.  I try not to smile at Santino, but I can’t help it. The Cryme Tyme boys rolled in, bumped fists with Shaq and generally loved all over each other, slipping in to Money, Money, Yeah, Yeah! But Santino felt left out so he threw a Cavs hat on at a jaunty angle, did some rapper-fingers and added his own lyrics. Careful, Tony. You don’t want that Canadian accent to slip through. The Italian’s not so easy to keep up while you’re hippin’ and hoppin’, eh?

I won’t crush your enthusiasm by speaking about Hornswoggle and Chavo, so I’ll scoot over to the Jack Swagger/Evan Bourne Beat the Clock match. I’ve mentioned my brother a couple of times since being back from the USA, but that’s because he’s been watching wrestling with me again and it’s interesting to hear the views of someone who stopped watching wrestling because they couldn’t handle the silliness of it any more. He REALLY likes Jack Swagger and was impressed by Evan Bourne. Anyone who questions the pushing of all the new collegiate guys has got it wrong. If their hard work and new style can prick the interest of someone who abandoned wrestling can only be a good thing.

The match only lasted about three and a half minutes. Evan Bourne took the pin, so there’ll be no Swagger/Orton at Summerslam. That just leaves John Cena to beat Mark Henry’s time. Hmm. Wonder how that one will turn out?

Triple H was still fuming backstage about Ted sabotaging his match with Cody and vowed to take both of them out by himself next week.  By himself? Really? Seems like an awfully big task to set yourself. He could probably do with some help. From someone who’s refreshed by a long break, maybe? Someone to act as a tag partner? Has Hunter ever been in a tag team?

By the way, Triple H mentioned ‘the tail that wags the dog’ in his JM interview. For a perfect explanation of this phrase, watch the Wag the Dog movie.  It’s brilliant. And it’s De Niro and Hoffman (pre-Meet the Fockers). How could you possibly lose?

The final Beat the Clock match was John Cena vs The Miz, with Randy Orton watching from the annouce table.  Not that I would ever dream of complaining, but why was Randy without trousers when he had no involvement in any matches that night?

The Miz had already dissed various D.C. sporting teams and tried to run Cena’s clock down to force his exclusion from the BTC contest without getting hurt himself.  Didn’t work. John forced Miz to tap out with well over two minutes to spare. Randy joined John in the ring and I went all…..

Remember several months ago when John and Randy (being BFFs and all) asked the writers if they could work together?  I wrote a post about it. John was even willing to go heel. Looks like they got their wish. And I, for one, am joyous beyond belief.

Final match of the night was Shaq’s special tag match between little and large and Cryme Tyme, with Shaq himself at ringside to keep an eye on proceedings.  All was moving along swimmingly until Show interfered with the pin on Jericho and the match had to be called off.  Shaq was furious. He whipped his shirt off and faced up to Show himself. Show had him in a chokehold, Cryme Tyme came to the rescue and Shaq rolled Show out of the ring. Jericho dashed around and started screeching at Shaq like a Jack Russell defending a Great Dane.

Best. Raw. In. AGEEEEES. Congratulations, Shackwheel….. as Santino would say.

TJY’s Michael, Joe and Mike ran into the one and only Johnny Showtime at Wicker Park Fest yesterday.

Had a great time, can’t wait for next year! Thanks to Haruka for the photo!

Below are my thoughts as I was watching raw. They are in order from the opening segment on. I know that Twitter could have easily been used but I don’t have a twitter account and I would rather contain all my sports stuff to this site.
————————

Did Seth Green really say he was going to wrestle? I hope they don’t keep doing this celebrity wrestling with other guest hosts.

No Beth Phoenix in the divas match? I have a secret crush on her.

Miz/Primo…squash match is my guess.
Shit nevermind, Primo is getting more action in than he ever gets.
Heck Yah, love the apple in the face from Carlito to Primo. I was just thinking how that apple spitting gimmick was one of my favorites. A gimmick a face cant pull off.
Watching all these ads, do you the E told USA network to put on Burn Notice (a high rated show which has the male demographic behind it) on Thursdays to steal Impact viewers.

Big Show looks like a fag doing that Austin Powers impression. Now kids, never use that word in school or in front of your parents.

Michael Cole going to the break when Jack Swagger was yelling at him, it was as if it was a voice over because he ignored Swagger and you should have been able to hear Swagger in his mic.
Can’t believe they let Jack Swagger steal MVP’s thunder. MVP’s push has gone away.
Mark Henry is definitly a face. Makes sense because Big Show is a bad guy and you can’t have 2 evil giants.
Nice touch leaving Jericho with only the tie.

Another fucking countout on Raw.

Love how they are letting Kofi speak.
Damn Evan Bourne just landed jaw first, ouch.
Remember when the Big Show had long hair?
Part of me wished that Seth Green got a punt to the head because it would have helped make Randy Orton a huge household name.

Image: http://weblogs.newsday.com/sports/columnists/jimbaumbach/blog/dionne.jpg

Monday Night Raw
Monday, June 29
San Jose, CA

Do you know the way to San Jose? I’ve been away so long, but now I’m back, and I think I remember the way. Fret not, true believers: I’ve kept a watchful weekly eye on the WWE since last I scratched in, what, December? Jesus.

So I was on hand two weeks ago when Donald Trump seized control of the program, resulting in what the late Gorilla Monsoon (rest his lovely soul) would’ve termed a bedlam, a boondoggle, “total pandemonium.” Last Monday the Donald, resplendent in Gary Hart’s discarded scalp, stripped the program of commercial breaks (commentators Jerry Lawler and Michael Cole snuck huzzahs for Kentucky Grilled Chicken anyway — fight the power!) and sent the packed arena home with a refund. Ex-chairman Vince McMahon, his easy-street retirement cut short, was forced to reclaim the reins from the draconian entrepreneur at a considerable financial loss, in order to restore the brand to its former snake-oil glory.

Tonight was McMahon’s first night back in the driver’s seat, and he bathed in Californian ire by refusing to give the bronzed throng its money back. (The Long Tail is obviously not among his volumes.) Enough with the gimmicks, the capitalist swine harrumphs before admitting that he admired one well enough to implement it that very night: the weekly guest host. Vince has a lot of celebrity pull, but why aim high when you can pluck one of your own: the injured Dave Batista, who has at least three outstanding beefs to settle — one in particular most paramount.

Batista busts down the ramp to his usual pomp, his left arm locked in a brace, the rest of him coiled tight in a business suit, a smart grey tie hanging from his truck-thick neck. He’s midway into his first public address since Randy Orton and the Legacy duo of Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase stomped his mucus loose a few weeks agoi and put him in intensive care when said trio menace down the ramp looking to start shit anew. Orton, through a mouthful of Southern viper marbles: “Yuh shouldn’t have come back, Batista. What do you think is stopping the three of us from marching into this ring and tearing the rest of you apart?” Good question. Batista supposes it’s the absolute power Vince grants guest hosts. (You listening, Lorne Michaels?) “I can make your life a living nightmare,” he expounds.

Orton snivels in petulance, moaning exposition about his near-death experience with Triple H in a Three Stages of Hell match at this past weekend’s Bash. The immaculately attired guest host reprimands Orton for whining and hints at a distressing Raw fate for the WWE champ: a 3 on 1 Gauntlet endurance test with hand-picked opponents whose identities must remain secret to keep viewers from changing the channel. But, Batista adds, they’re three of 15 superstars acquired in some backroom deal struck before Trump’s departure. Oh, that dastardly Don!

Image: http://www.boston.com/ae/music/blog/Mamas%20and%20Papas%20resized.jpg

Night of Champions Tournament Semi-Final
MVP vs. Triple H
Orton won’t be defending his title tonight, but he will at Night of Champions on July 26 against the winner of this mini-tournament. The night begins with the collision of alphabets. MVP, called up in a recent draft to make waves on the Monday program, is recovering from a whirlwind weekend with rumored paramour Sherri Shepherd (The View) and a host of Tinseltown glitterati at Sunday night’s BET Awards. Triple H is recovering from something far less glamorous: a leg injury suffered in two grueling face-offs with Orton over the last week. Naturally, MVP focuses with some precision on the sore spot and slithers out of two HHH attempts to floor him with his Pedigree finishing move. The flashier grappler errs, however, when he tries to apply his own match-ending Playmaker. He gets played instead when the grizzled hobbling mess drops a successful Pedigree to put MVP in California Dreamland.

Winner: Triple H

Image: http://mistymystic.com/shop/images/roget_-_rogets_thesaurus.jpg

Unified Tag Team Championship
Edge/Chris Jericho vs. Carlito/Primo
Hmmmm. Two major SmackDown heels with enough heat for a Towering Inferno reboot wrest the title through nefarious means from its cooled-off protectors, who instantly invoke their rematch clause. Wonder who’s doomed? I didn’t either. Jericho, as always, is in top linguistic form, showering San Jose in cowflop bouquets, boasting of his prodigious prowess and chiding the gathered’s status as mindless human sludge. Y2J+9 spends much of the match leveling the ex-belt-holders with his dog-eared Roget’s; Edge stands behind the ropes, snarling at anything in his periphery. After a distracted ref misses an obvious three-count, thus robbing Carlito of a stunner over Edge (Jericho shoves him off before that third zebra slap), the incensed apple-spitter goes for a more definitive finisher but ends up slipping on the ropes after a flailing Primo accidentally shakes them. The dazed, wronged Carlito is left helpless to an Edge spear and is knocked flat for the 1-2-3.

Winners: Edge/Chris Jericho

Image: http://www.impawards.com/1973/posters/sleeper_ver2.jpg

Night of Champions Semi-Final
John Cena vs. The Miz
Cena’s been positioned in this ongoing angle as a dues-paying ham-and-egger swatting at the youthful, impatient reality-TV bluster-flash of The Miz, who’s been a particular hue-licked thorn in Cena’s side for weeks with his shenanigans, skedaddles, evasions, and cheap shots. Miz doesn’t indulge in much of those tonight. Instead, his attack is methodical and for the most part successful. His capper is a vice-like sleeper that involves a debilitating upright-leg-lock-thigh-squeeze breath-trapper. But rather than tumble into his own dizzy drool, Cena recovers for his “You Can’t See Me” five-knuckle shuffle and an FTF submission hold. The Miz abandons his fruitless quest for salvation and taps out.

Winner: John Cena (Cena will face Triple H on next week’s Raw, a match-up the strangely forgetful Lawler hails as the greatest in history.)

We return to the locker-room plot where Legacy continues to placate the queasy Orton. DiBiase offers salve in the form of a phone conversation with his father, the Million Dollar Man, one of the greatest villains in WWE history (right, Jer?), who is scheduled to guest-host the program next Monday. Happs days are back for reptile-lovers everywhere!

Image: http://homepage.ntlworld.com/rosa.l/DDT.jpg

Fatal 4-Way Diva Match
Mickie James vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix vs. Rosa Mendes
It’s too bad Raw don’t broadcast on Cinemax, ho ho. An enhanced quartet vie for the pleasure of tangling with the bleached chanteuse Divas champion Maryse at Night of Champions. Rosa is her usual ineffective self, applauding like a goon whenever Phoenix adds to someone’s medical expenses. Mickie locks horns with gal pal Kelly Kelly — it’s vicious vicious! At one point everyone gets everyone in a chin lock before Beth dominos all three into a turnbuckle. Ass-over-tip pin attempts aplenty, two-counts all around. Mickie finally breaks the pattern by focusing on poor Rosa, silencing her with a DDT and planting her to bloom sometime this autumn. The unconscious Rosa is likely in a better place anyway, where her idol follows every grunt and grit with the sweetest kiss. Maryse may entertain similar fantasies about Kelly Kelly. Sadly, she’ll have to settle for…

Winner: Mickie James

Image: http://baristamagazine.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/The_Final_Countdown_single.jpg

The Big Show vs. Kofi Kingston
Interesting entrance music for both competitors, don’tchathink? The seven-foot Show gets a deep-throated honky tonk chortle perfect for swaggering through a Brobdignagian bar. “I AM CHAMPION!” barks a Vocoder on Kofi’s island lilt, and this is one instance where it’s true as hell. He’s got the gold draped over a shoulder, sparkling into a wary eye shrouded in Show’s imposing shadow. In this case, the mountain comes to Kofi. “This guy could bench-press a Volkswagen!” enthuses the excitable Lawler, King of Wrestling. The smaller man’s acrobatic agility, naturally, is no match for a whole lumberyard, but somehow Kofi fells the Big Show without the aid of claymores and a police car. When he goes for the pin, Show shoves him toward the rafters like a volleyball. Eventually, the action moves outside the ring with the usual announcer’s-table thrashings. Show attempts to launch Kingston back into play, but the champion wriggles free and leans the mighty oak into a ringside post. Meanwhile, the ref counts down. Neither man returns in time.

Winner: Double countout. Show exits, disgusted.

Image: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/5/55/The_gauntlet.jpg/393px-The_gauntlet.jpg

3 on 1 Gauntlet Match
Orton moves slowly, methodically toward the ring, his calculating mind reeling from the sheer number of possible opponents in the wrestling pool. What torture does Dave Batista have in mind? Well…

1. Evan Bourne
Wow. Wasn’t expecting that. Orton appears relieved at this tiny little hurdle. Looks, of course, are deceiving; Bourne is a high-flying dynamo who regards all the world’s inhabitants as potential trapezes. Evan’s downfall comes when he gets a little greedy with his momentum. An attempted Air Bourne goes awry and Orton secures a pinfall with a Flying Bulldog. Bourne is unceremoniously scraped from the canvas and removed posthaste.

Winner: Randy Orton

2. Jack Swagger
This one’s not all that shocking, but Swagger’s a formidable opponent nonetheless. In any case, it’s interesting to watch two narcissists go head-to-head. Swagger first stuns Orton physically then mentally as he leaves the ring and stands defiant, smirking on the apron as the referee counts him out. Before he splits, Swagger explains to the bewildered masses, “I wanted to leave a lasting impression.”

Winner: Randy Orton

3. Mark Henry
Aha! But also not that wild. Henry enters with a microphone and informs his creaky, dazed dinner that he wants to make an impression too, mostly of Randy in the earth’s surface. Like Swagger he steps out of the ring as well but is only fucking with his prey cat/mouse-style as he stops the ref at the count of five and re-enters the dragon. Orton drops to his knees and Henry graciously helps him up with a choke hold. Orton’s only defense is a weak slap; Henry retorts with a headbutt and the devastation of a World’s Strongest Slam. Somewhere Orton is still burrowing against his will toward China. Hope he lands near an airport.

Winner: Mark Henry

Raw ends with a satisfied Dave Batista surveying the wreckage of his most despised adversary. It’s nice to see the man smiling again. And now I smile too, because I’m back in action with a fresh bag of stretched adverbs. G’night!

Due to time constraints and with The Bash looming within the next few hours, this week’s Raw reminder will be in a shorter form than usual.  You gotta do what you gotta do!

For those of us in the UK, commercial free television is nothing new. The most powerful broadcaster on this island, the BBC, is entirely free of advertising. Ok, so we’re legally obliged to buy a TV licence for the privilege, but I believe it makes for better television and radio. Still, Raw is shot in dollar land, where advertising is the bread and butter of all broadcasting.  So I understand the excitement. Seriously though, America, do you have to have SOOOO many ad breaks? It kills my buzz. Anyway, here are the …..

THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS WEEK’S RAW

BEFORE THE BASH

Catchy, eh?

• Trump’s Da Boss

Yes, that’s right, Donald Trump now owns the Raw brand and kicked his tenure off with a full ticket refund to everyone in the crowd who kept their ticket stubs. Those who threw them away on their way in to the arena probably needed some of this….

• John-Boy’s a Farmer

John Cena who, despite making a triumphant return to his charismatic, funny  ‘old self’ came out in his most ghastly merchandise line yet. Not in any way inspired by a certain world-famous farming equipment brand. No. Not all. And call me a cynic, but I don’t think it’s any coincidence that it was launched in Pack-land. Home of the Green and Gold. I shall discuss this rant about this further in the next audio post.

• The Miz is a Puss

John Cena flipped the coin over and called The Miz out for a change. After much cuteness and frivolity, John got serious, gave The Miz a match at The Bash and warned Miz that his days were numbered. Oooh. It was deliciously perfect. Welcome back, John. The Big Show was obviously killing his good times. Favourite line? “You’re not a reality show ‘has-been’. You’re a WWE never was!” BUUUURN! Miz got rattled, punched John when he wasn’t looking and ran. Puss.

• Lemony Kick-It

Vince was left with the back-up limo (Trump had Road Force One), which happened to be a total lemon and broke down a hundred yards from the arena. Don’t you just hate when you have to use the back-up limo? So much less comfy than the best one. Vince made the poor little driver carry him down the street on his back.  Yah, ’cause that’s so much less humiliating than WALKING to the arena. Vince’s weight caused the driver to drop him so Vince kicked him in the arse. Nice guy!

• SD Trumps Raw

For the second week running, despite claiming full brand separation, there was a Smackdown match on Raw. I can only assume it was a ratings thing. They must have figured that the audience for Trump Raw would be larger than usual with the news of The Donald’s involvement causing a buzz in the mainstream media. What better way to impress than to bring your (real) superior brand in give off a good impression to first time viewers.

Jeff Hardy , Khali and Rey Mysterio beat Jericho, Edge and Ziggler when Jeff pinned Ziggler. Punk, being a nice guy, came to celebrate with Jeff, but he pushed him away like a lover who had been caught cheating. Oh, yeah, Punk wore clothes.  I sulked.

• Prelude to Crap

Cody Rhodes beat Primo in a prelude to what will undoubtedly be a tag-team belts win for Rhodes and DiBiase.I didn’t mind them so much when they first started hanging off Randy’s coat-tails……now…meh! Some sort of illegal crap will go down and the Orton Groupies will grab the titles ar The Bash. Talk about putting all your eggs in one basket. Prove me wrong. Please.

• Song for Santina

Santina was fired. About two months overdue. Let’s celebrate with a song even more annoying than the actual character. Bet you don’t make it past the first 20 seconds.

• Regrets, dear?

Maybe it’s not all about da monaaay after all, Mr. M?

• The King Ain’t Dead

That’s right, the King of Kings redeemed himself, remembered his job is not to be a corporate lackie and wrestled his oversized heart out. As did the delightful Randy. Best match they’ve had. Better than Wrestlemania even?

• The Penny Drops

You know how Vince McMahon is a smart businessman? Not so much. It turned out that Trump was giving money away and cancelling advertising contracts in the hope that Vince would buy Raw back for double the price. Oh Donald, you wiley fox. And I thought you were just a puffed up ball of orangey powder. The plan worked. The real Vince McMahon is indeed  great businessman, orchestrating this whole angle with hardly anyone knowing about it until the night of the show. But why so short? Ok, so I wasn’t exactly on board from the beginning, but there was a lot of mileage in that there storyline. I’m aware that I’m whining a lot today. I’m tired. I was up late and got up early. I’z grumpy when I’m tired. Donald bitch-slapped Vince, it all kicked off and they had to be separated by some burly looking security.

• Shut Your Trap

Rosa Mendes lost to Mickie James and Maryse got all pissy, telling Rosa to shut her yap while she tried to compose herself. Is it just me or are Maryse’s jubblies (thanks, Gok Wan) getting more plastic-y by the week? I don’t even care about boobs that aren’t my own and yet, I cannot look away. (?)

• Most Aspirational Stat Evah!

You know how much I live the WWE ‘Did you know…? stats. This week was the best ever. Check it out.

Yep, because quantity is ALWAYS better than quality, right guys? Sweethearts, I love you enough to spend my life recapping your shows, but it’s not the size of your product that counts, it’s what you do with it. An hour of True Blood does not equate to an hour of Raw. We cool? Good. I love you. Mwah!

• If you think I’m gonna recap another Cena/Big Show match….

you be trippin’. That is all.

• Get offa my Randy

Just as Randy Orton was leaving the arena, Triple H whacked him, proper mobster style. At first it looked like he was gonna give Randy the lonely man in prison treatment against the back of his car, but he just dropped the boot door on him. Phew! REALLY! Writhing in agony, Triple H made it clear that their feud was SOOOO not over.

FAVOURITE CROWD MEMBER OF THE NIGHT

The KFC buckets. For managing to get in so many camera shots and for showing such dedication to the show. Bravo, bucket of grilled chicken, bravo indeed.

It’s been a busy week round these parts. The lofty business of higher education and facilitating the graduation of the kiddies under my wing has been hectic beyond any kind of hectic I’ve ever experienced.  An Everest type mountain of paperwork, so many digits my eyes started shivering, and almost impossible deadlines that were so tight they made my heart beat faster (not in a good Jeff Hardy in a falling towel sort of way – Thanks Adam & Matt). On the plus side, the chaos was punctuated by my birthday, which was made even better by the personal birthday card and message from my John. He even recorded a special message for me. Wondering why he didn’t say my name? He did. ‘Champ’ is his cute nickname for me. Listen…..

(click n play)

I’m coming to get some, John. I’m coming!

Soooo, another event almost as important as my birthday took place this week. Yes, a special 3-hour Raw that wasn’t just Raw, because it had Smackdown and ECW matches on it too.  Like a Pay Per View, but not, ’cause it’s  free. Huh? Let’s give this strange hybrid a whirl, shall we?

It’s Raw, so who’s the first person out? Oh, Chris Jericho. According to Jericho, Raw has gone in to a tumultuous tailspin since he left. Well, I wouldn’t go that far, Chris, but……. Anyway, he couldn’t go on without insulting the crowd in his usual adjective heavy manner. This week’s Jericho Jibe is brought to you by the phrase “All of you [the crowd] are still the same ignorant, insipid, bulbous manatees you’ve always been.”

Charlotte residents, according to Jericho. Cuter than Ric Flair, anyway.

He went on to diss Rey Mysterio which, of course, was answered but the playing of Booyaka-Booyaka-619! Good lord, I do love when Rey’s all fired up and angry. Raaaaawr! As soon as the bell tolled he tripped Jericho, leaped on to him and began the onslaught.  But Chrissy-boy was not over-n-out. I know people are getting a bit bored with these two together, but seriously, they are awesome rivals in the ring. AWE-SOME! Mysterio jumped from the top rope on to Jericho, but Chris managed to grab him and started pulling his mask off again. Worried about being exposed further, Rey grabbed at the mask and  lost his concentration, giving Jericho the cover.

Know what I feel like now? A Josh Matthews and Randy Orton interview. Well, whaddaya know, here’s one right now. I love when I get what I want.  I’m not entirely sure what happened in the first part of the interview, because I was Googling ‘How tall is Josh Matthews?’ and was shocked to find out he’s 7″ taller than me. Which means that Randy would be REALLY EFFING HUGE stood up against me. NIIICE! If I ever get one of those “Please welcome my guest at this time…….” jobs, I’m gonna need a little box to stand on. Like when Vickie had to do scenes where she was stood next to Big Show.

Anyway, Randy was kind of mean and Josh being a sweet little thing, John Cena (fresh from recording my birthday message) came to the rescue. He told Josh to run along and took Randy on himself. John suggested that the WWE Universe would like to know why Randy is such a gutless, spineless, disrespectful Grand Wizard of the Baby Oil Boys’ Club. He also went on to suggest that, as Randy seemed to have forgotten there were FOUR people contesting for the WWE Championship now that Batista was out of action, maybe all the oil he rubs on himself was starting to rot his brain.

Ok, first of all, this whole scene =

Secondly, Grand Wizard? Baby Oil Boys’ Club? Too easy, John. WAY too easy. But that doens’t mean I’m not gonna do this………………..

Moving on, Mr. McMahon had an announcement to make and, apparently, it wasn’t to announce the new GM in the wake of Vickie G’s resignation. Ok, here’s where my timezone problem chimes in and stops me from getting the full impact of this whole thing. In theory, if I had avoided being on the internet for the whole of Tuesday, I could have watched Raw after work and experienced its dramatic events the same as everyone in North America. But asking me to stay away from the information super highway for  a full 24 hours is like asking Barack Obama to stop being charismatic for 24 hours. Ain’t gonna happen. So I’ll do my best to act surprised, but I can’t promise successful faking. K?

Vince McMahon, looking even more tangerine coloured than usual, appeared on the Titantron and announced that he had sold the Raw brand to a currently unnamed bidder.

Faced with the trauma of knowing that Raw had been sold to a mystery wealthy person, what else could they do but send out an ECW title match to refocus the mind. Christian (who is the owner of my fave theme music in the whole company BTW) made his way out, closely followed by current champion, Tommy Dreamer. Oh, right, I skipped Extreme Rules. He won the belt and a contract extension at the PPV. All caught up? Good. Christian put up a good fight, but Dreamer capitalised on Christian’s niggly ankle and pinned him, keeping the belt for another week.

Dave Batista successfully underwent major bicep surgery this past week to repair the injury he suffered at the evil hands of Randy Orton and a steel chair. Yah. That was it. Randy did it. He didn’t have the injury already. Honest.

Mmmm. Iodine-y.

But all this means the WWE Championship is up for grabs and so important is its capture that we were graced with a countdown clock leading up to the match. Phew! I would have missed it had I not had the clock on the screen. Mr. RKO, John Cena, Big Show and the newly returned Triple H batttled it out to take home the belt. Eight minutes after the bell ding-ding-dinged, Big Show was bearing the brunt of everyone’s attack and it looked as if John was going to pin Show for the title. But he hadn’t counted on Randy Orton slithering his way under the ropes. Randy slammed John in to the turnbuckle, put a beautiful RKO on Big Show and pinned him. He grabbed at the belt like a kid grabbing at his new Tonka Truck on Christmas day and triumphantly made his way up the ramp.

Alright, with the WWE championship in the hands of, well, anyone, it was time for Vince to tell us who he was selling Raw to.  It waaaaaaaaaaas *drumroll*…..

Donald J. Trump. Yep. Him. Billionaire dude. Legendary businessman. Head honcho on the American version of The Apprentice. Had it been Alan Sugar I might have been happy, but I was initially furious. Like I said in my last audio post, I like to see non-wrestling jobs go to people with a connection to the industry. It’s the wrestling tree of life. I was annoyed that someone with no connection other than a much publicised Wrestlemania Battle of the Billionaires which ended with Vince being scalped a few years ago, had been given such a high profile role. But, after listening to the business and marketing pitch on episode 3 of Kick-Out!! Radio this week, I concede that my stance was a little naiive. Must learn to engage my brain before speaking.

Donald Trump, who managed to look even more orange than Mr. M, will just be a figurehead for Raw. It’s not like he’ll be the GM, popping up on every show. He’ll appoint a general manager and things will swiftly move on. And, I wonder how Shane and Stephanie feel about this? Aren’t they heirs to the company? Will they be happy that daddy dearest sold off their inheritance? Doubtful. Actually this could be more interesting than I originally thought.

This whole segment was followed by Mickie James vs Rosa Mendes. Rosa wrestles? Really? Good for her. If ever you thought WWE doesn’t care that much about the Women’s Division, your fears were confirmed when it created a nothing match and put it right after the biggest announcement in weeks.  It was almost like saying, we’ll put something on nobody will care about so everyone at home can have five minutes to digest and debate D. Trump’s “purchase” of Raw. Sometimes I feel like giving up on this crusade. But I won’t.  Mickie won, Maryse did a hair swirl, Mickie tried to kick her in the face and Maryse ran away laughing.

Feeling like the crowd needed some light relief, we returned to join Goldust and Hornswoggle in the ring, shooting t-shirts in to the audience with one of those mascot machine gun thingies. Aww. Nice guys. But they were rudely interrupted by The Miz, as per usual, so I went out to take a whizz. Which is why I’m not sure what else happened in this part, but it ended up with The Miz knocking Goldust out and shooting Hornswoggle in the knackers with the t-shirt missile launcher. I get the feeling this ain’t over.

Anyone else need a break from Raw? Yeah, me too. Let’s Down some Smack with Edge, Punk and Jeff.  There I was thinking that the two big events this week were my birthday and the Trump topic. But there was something else. Something really special I didn’t think I would be welcoming back so soon. Yes, it’s the majestic return of CROTCH WATCH. If you’re new here and unfamiliar with CROTCH WATCH, it all started when CM Punk started wearing some rather skimpy, lavender tinted trunks. So taken with them was I, that I began monitoring Punk’s choice of trunks on a weekly basis. Purely for fashion purposes of course. But, he soon stopped wearing the light coloured trunks and I took the hint that I was being inappropriate, putting that segment away in the back of my knicker drawer until he decided he missed the attention.

It appeared it only took two weeks for him to miss my perving and he came out this week in WHITE TRUNKS. WHITE! Everyone knows that people who wear white bathing suits (and wrestle trunks) WANT to be noticed in the groinal area. How lovely to know he really did enjoy being the object of my affections after all.

So. Yeah. There was a match too. It was actually the best match of the night. I love you, Smackdown. Despite all the ‘over-egging the pudding’ in the Raw storylines, Smackdown still managed to pull an awesome match out of the bag without a ridiculous fanfare. Beautiful.

Edge ran at Punk to try and take him out with a spear, but Punk did an amazing jump over his head and Edge took Jeff out instead. Punk threw Edge in to the turnbuckle, and was running at him when Edge managed to push him over the ropes, damaging his knee on the steel steps as he fell. The medics came to Punk’s aide while Edge and Jeff continued in the ring. Jeff stuck a Swanton on him and went in for the pin, but Punk managed to get back on his feet, dragged Jeff out and pinned Edge to keep his title. Oh my god. AMAZIIIING!

Now a return to Raw. Or is it ECW? Oh, it’s both. The Hart Dynasty v Primo and Carlito. And we had the pleasure of listening to Rhodes and DiBiase at the announce table. They rendered the match pointless by interrupting it. What a waste of The Hart Dynasty. Was that the first time we’ve seen them outside ECW? I think so. Shame.

Know what else was a waste of time? The 16-man Battle Royal*. It was like they were saying, we’ve got loads of Raw guys who didn’t get a pop this week, so we’ll put 16* men in the ring and let Triple H win. He’ll only end up taking his revenge on Randy at The Bash anyway. But wait, the new boss-man has something to say. Trump decided that he didn’t want to wait for The Bash. Orton v Triple H would be on the next Raw. That gives me hope of something different for The Bash. My feelings of hope are often way off kilter though.

* I know it was 10. But there were so many faces I couldn’t keep up  with who was there. It was a joke that went over most people’s heads. It’s ok. I know I’m not very funny. Thank you to those who took the time to email me to tell me I got it wrong. I know. It was deliberate.

]]> http://wrestlegasm.com/2009/06/14/rawlite-dare-i-even-dream/ Sun, 14 Jun 2009 14:46:57 +0000 Ray http://wrestlegasm.com/2009/06/14/rawlite-dare-i-even-dream/

So, yeah, the first Raw after Extreme Rules which, yeah, I know, I haven’t told you anything about. Soz. But I’ll work it in to the post where I can.

We got cracking with Dave Batista, the new World Champion. Yep, he managed to survive the steel cage and rip the belt from Randy Orton’s clutches. But anyone who ventured on to the internet during the 20 hours between the end of Extreme Rules and the start of Raw knew he was only keeping the title for one night owing to some bicep surgery needed on Tuesday morning.

Apparently he did it for Flair, himself and for everyone who’s sick and tired of Randy Orton.  Errrrrm, I suppose that counts me out then. And just as Dave was discussing how he plans on taking Orton’s pride……………..

Doesn't work every time. I've tried.

Dave opened his shirt buttons, because you can’t fight with your buttons done up, fool. Randy did a strange, hypnotic, side-step dance to the ring and at the perfect moment he, Cody and Ted all pounced on Dave and beat him within an inch of his life. A venomous attack indeed, Mr. Lawler, sir.

Randy twisted Dave’s arm up inside a steel chair like a pretzel (yes, the arm he’s having surgery on) and stamped on it. He then went on to pull his weary arm until it snapped.

Randy stole the belt, the crowd booed, the medics came to Dave’s aide and he was carted off in an ambulance screaming for his title belt back. Sad times for Batista. For real.

Well, after all that drama we need something cheerful. Ahhhhh, Kofi Kingston. The smiliest Jamaican in all the land. That’s better. Oh, yeah, he kept his title at Extreme Rules by the way. On this week’s Raw he was taking William Regal on in a non-title match. According to Regal, HE should be United States champion because he can bring the class and style it deserves. Umm, not to disagree with my fellow countryman or anything but……

Kingston pretty much creamed Regal, but hey, kind of expected. He’s a good heel though. Love you, Billy.

Over in the locker room the pack of hyenas, wild dogs, wolves, snakes, whatever they are were pawing at the WWE title belt, pleased that their job to take Dave out had been done. But the bravest little boy in the company, Josh Matthews, popped up out of nowhere and asked Randy to explain his  deplorable actions. None to pleased to see Mr. Matthews, Randy explained that all we need to know is that he planned on using his automatic rematch clause that night and if Dave failed to show up, he’d take the title back by forfeit. EEEEVIL!

Alright, it’s lady time. Kelly-Kelly v Maryse with Mickie James joining Jerry and M. Cole on commentary. I was gonna make a comment about Mickie’s strange choice of dress (not from Maria’s collection, I hope) but she’s got such a lovely voice I decided not to put my fashion head on and rip it to pieces. Lawler wanted to rip it to pieces too but for a whole different reason. Oh, Jerry. Bring your voice down an octave and breathe.  Is it just me or is Kelly-Kelly getting better in the ring? Me thinks the lady’s been practicing. Unfortunately, she lost. Maryse flicked her hair several times and Mickie gave her dagger-eyes.

After a reminder of the Hog Pen match between Vickie and Santina at Extreme Rules (did we HAVE to have a reminder? My eyes are burning.) Josh Matthews had jumped over to Vickie’s door to ask her if it was really true that Randy was getting his rematch that night. True story. And she informed us that she had a big announcement that would change the face of Raw forever.  Ooooh, what could it be? Ok I already knew but I like to play along. Then we jumped over to The Miz and Maryse having another ‘moment’. Not sure what’s happening here but I’m actually starting to enjoy their little banter together. What’s happening to me?

Goldust, Santino and Festus (accompanied by Hornswoggle) took on Chavo, Jamie Noble and The Brian Kendrick in a three-man tag.Yep, that happened. Santino pinned Noble for the win.

Back to The Miz, who rudely interrupted Lillian’s intro with this guitar riff. I hate to admit this, but maybe, just maybe, I’m starting to get The Miz. At first he was just annoying, but maybe, just maybe, I get the joke now. God, help me.  He went on another rant, calling every John Cena fan a ‘Cena Apologists’. Whaaa? Anyway, John came out,  you know, smiling, looking cute, the usual……

…and prepared to take The Miz on. But just as we were about to get going “Weeeeeell, it’s the Big Shooooow!” URGH! Big Show. Please. LET. IT. GO.  Go and find another feud so I can care about John Cena matches again. Thanks. The Miz disappeared after one kick and Show put a sleeper hold on John. AGAIN. But wait, The Miz made his way back in to the ring, and whacked Big Show across the back with a chair. What? Miz turning face? Oh. No, it’s ok. False alarm. He just wanted John to himself. Well, he IS on a promise from Maryse now, know what I’m sayin’?

Big Show scared The Miz off for the second time, leaving John and Show in the ring. End this please.

M.V.P fought Matt Hardy in kind of  nothing match. M.V.P won.

Now Vickie has an announcement to make. The crowd booed her down the ramp and Lawler and Cole made their own pig-jokes. Aren’t you grown men? So, big announcement. After being humiliated in the Hog Pen match, she had decided to quit the company. Her real reason for quitting is that the travelling schedule is forcing her to spend too much time away from her daughters. Fair enough. I mean, she’s a single mother, her kids need her, she’s taking a break. I really think that’s all it’ll be though. She’ll be back at some point.

But then the whole thing took a slightly sinister twist. It looked as if Edge had come out to apologise for asking her for a divorce during the Extreme Rules show. But he went on to say that having quit, she now had no power and was ultimately worthless. It really should have stopped there. I know Vickie’s a big girl and all, and I’m sure he gave her a big hug once she got backstage, but…. She-Beast? Dry-heaving after kissing her? Harsh! The jury’s out on that one.

Backstage Josh Matthews, who is certainly earning his money this week, interviewed John Cena about his match. I hadn’t really noticed it up against Randy and Vickie, but stood next to pinky-skinned Cena, Josh…..

Just get a clean tissue and gently take if off in a circular motion. Works for me.

Carlito and Primo took on the Priceless boys, Ted pinned Primo and Randy joined his victorious children in the ring. They waited patiently for Batista to arrive for the title rematch but, obviously, he wasn’t coming back with a broken ulna, right? Or was he? Lillian announced Dave but he didn’t show. His music played, but he didn’t show. Randy called for the 10-count and bristled with excitement. But on the count of eight, the ambulance that took Dave away started reversing towards the arena door. What’s gonna happen? What’s gonna happen?

Did his nose get bigger or did his hair get smaller?

AAAAAAH! He’s back. Ok, when Triple H disappeared several weeks ago I was glad to see him go.  I was getting sick of him. So it shocked me how excited I was to see him come back. Maybe it was because it was unexpected, maybe it was because I now tend to avoid rumour mills and I didn’t know he had plans to return so soon. I actually thought he’d be away a little longer and return with Shawn as DX for a while. But Dave’s much needed bicep surgery must have forced him back sooner, I assume. When ‘Time to play the game’ started playing, I got a fluttery little feeling in the pit of my stomach. I believe that’s called WRESTLEGASMMMMMM! I think I’m done being mad at him now. I might even get my Triple H trading card back out of my desk drawer at work and allow him to sit next to the other fellas.

Cody ran at Triple H with a chair, but chair vs sledgehammer kind of has an obvious winner. Hunter ripped his shirt off (sweet) and slammed Randy around the arena. He left him on his face in the ring……

….but the crowd still wanted more and began chanting for a pedigree. He obliged. Oh my god, does this mean Raw is about to get good again? Dare I even dream?

The Gallery Quartet are making an in store performance at UNTITLED in Lincoln Park, check the EVENTS page for details. Immediately following WTR will be headed to Blues Fest for the one and only Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings @ 8:30PM!

THE GALLERY QUARTET
Anacron-Vocals
Roger Panella-Guitar
Michael Cole-Keyboards
Mike Andersen-Bass
Marshall Greenhouse-Drums

-Mr Andersen

The Jordan Years are back in action, Friday June 12, 2009 at the newest/best underground spot in Wicker Park, Black Gate Sessions. TJY will have special guest MCs sitting in and will even be filming the show for a future video. 

Come one, come all. 

You have to RSVP to gain access to this PRIVATE VENUE, do so at WestTownRecording@Gmail.com 

Werd.

-Mr Andersen

[I wrote this recap last night, but I was so tired by the time I got done with the writing, I fell asleep before I could do all my lovely photoshopping. So just put your brain on rewind and pretend it's still Friday night.]

It’s Friday night, I put my pink bow PJ bottoms on at 8pm, flicked the mushrooms out of my Chinese food (because they are the work of Satan), had a semi-cold Carlsberg Export, felt sorry for myself  ’cause my jaw problems kept me from going to the gym, argued over the name of Eminem’s new single, opened another beer, failed at Guitar Hero, watched Eastenders and felt happy when Terry got sent to prison, started watching Gordon Ramsay humiliate pitiful chefs, remembered I need to recap the rest of Raw. So here I am. Don’t you just wish you had my rock & roll lifestyle? I can feel your jealousy burning through the monitor.

So, Thursday’s post pretty much told you what was bad about this week’s Raw. Tonight I will try to be a little more optimistic. I’m not gonna lie, the alcohol is helping. I am also alternating between re-watching Raw and listening to Fall Out Boy’s Folie a Deux album. Patrick Stump makes everything better.  Vince McMahon had just pushed his phoney Kroenke out of the ring and I was waiting for things to improve (’cause they couldn’t get much worse.) WROOONG! Here’s The Miz. He revealed a Cavs jersey, the crowd booed, and he declared himself 6-0 against John Cena. There I was, wondering how long it’s going to be before John’s actually allowed to retaliate, when…….

Hoorah! Things are looking up. But before John could make it in to the ring and finally shut The Miz up, Rhodes and DiBiase started laying in to him. The Miz joined in and before we knew it, my John was being kicked in to a pile of mush. Heels = 3,  Babyfaces = 1.  Things are looking a little uneven. Oh, DAAAA-AAAVE! You’re needed. Batista came to help and managed to flatten all three bad dudes in succession. The Big Show appeared (urgh) and then Jerry Lawler. Lakers colours never looked so…..so….. stretched? The asymmetrical shoulder strap though. Very ‘on trend’, |Jerry. Love you, King. Mwah!

With the ring cleared of nasty boys, there was nothing else to do but announce a five v five, good v bad, Yay v Boo match for the end of Raw. At this point I was really hoping the jerseys were just for graphic effect. They weren’t. Much to my disgust. I’ll come back to that later. Wait, who is the fifth good fella? You’ll have to wait to find out.

It was time for the regular show to start. After Maryse’s dalliance last week with a can of Elnett (which they’ve totally changed the smell of, by the way) she was taking on Baby Kelly, to retain her Divas Championship.

I was little worried for Kelly. She does a mean backflip but Maryse is a mean ole madame and I was pretty sure she’d get creamed in to the mat. But from the moment Kelly did her (better) version of the Maryse hair-flick, I knew she’d be ok. It all started to go wrong when Maryse had Kelly on the announce table and was pounding her in the face. NOOOOO! Not the face! Maryse spent too much time out of the ring and was counted out, allowing Kelly to win the match but not the belt. Damn! Kelly was furious and went flying straight at her.  Your day will come, sweetheart.

Gratuitous America's Next Top Model Reference

Backstage, this happened……………..

and over in the locker room, Batista was trying to tell Ric Flair what we’re all thinking. Lead balloon time again.

Back inthe ring, Matt Hardy, William Regal and Kofi Kingston are scrapping it out to contend for M.V.P’s Yankee Belt next week. Kingston pinned Matt Hardy for the match. Ok, M.V.P and Kofi Kingston will be good. And they even managed to be friendly about it. Aww, they really do make a lovely couple.

So after that Ric Flair woooed his way to the ring. This can only end badly. But It does promise an appearance from Randy Orton, who was nowhere to be seen and we’re already 40 minutes in. Flair reminded us that Orton sucka-punched him and had his wicked way with him last week. Really? Had his way with you Ric? Is that available on bootleg DVD anywhere? Anyway, Ric called Randy out and HOLY HELL did he answer.

To say that Randy told Ric off is an understatement. Randy lost his temper and shut his mouth good an proper. There haven’t been too many wrestlegasm moments in recent weeks, but Randy’s angry rant delivered on all markers. To be truthful, it wasn’t just a wrestlegasm moment…. it was  borderline orgasmic. And THAT doesn’t happen that often from viewing alone. Bravo, Randy. BRA-VO, my love!

Wait, I just got turned on by a young man shattering the few remaining dreams of  a pensioner. That’s wrong, right? Don’t answer.

Aaaanyway. Ahem. Ric slapped Randy’s face and Randy knocked him down, pummelling him in the face. Batista came to the rescue and Orton made a hasty retreat to the comfort of the ramp, leaving Dave trying to hold Flair back from retaliating. Randy gave a few parting words and just as he was about to leg it, we heard….

.                                               .

KENN-E-DEEEEY

.                                                .

YYYYYYEEEEEEEOOOOW! I love you, Ken Kennedy. Welcome back. I missed you. But seriously, the beard needs to go. Like, pronto. You’re just a line of boot polish away from looking like Scott Steiner. That wasn’t even a good look for Steiner. Get! Rid!

Facial hair aside…..WRESTLEGASMMMMMM! I believe that’s called multiple wrestlegasm-ing. Ah, it’s good to be a girl. Assuming Kennedy’s new injury can be fixed relatively swiftly, Mr. K and Mr. Ohhh need to have a proper feud. It would be AWESOME.

Oh, yeah, Kennedy was named the fifth good guy in the YAY v BOO match at the end of the show. From the sublime to the ridiculous, Santino and Mickie James were up against Chavo and Beth. Mickie pinned Beth FTW and Santino was left to choose a stipulation for SantinA’s match against  Vickie at the PPV. He chose a Hog Pen Match, did more pi g squeals and forced Vickie in to one of her patented screeches.

Backstage The Big Show reminded The Miz that he was not allowed to pin John Cena……

You don’t really wanna know anything about Goldust and Hornswoggle v Festus and The Brian Kendrick, do you?????? Phew. Good. ‘Cause I was about to skip it anyway.

On to the final match of the night. The Five v Five.  There were varying responses to this match from the guys. Big Show struggled to keep his body inside his custom made jersey. Suck it in, honey. Suck it in like you just finished eating on Christmas Day and realised jeans were a bad option.

Randy looked pissed off that he’d been forced to cover his chest.

Kennedy came out to a Brett Favre joke. (Miss you, Brett…. but please stay retired this time, k?). And John Cena looked like he’d travelled back in time to his thuganomics days. Actually, his arms were rather weedy back then, so I’ll stick with present day John, thank you very much. Thuganomics-John SOOOOO couldn’t bench press Big Show. Batista took it all too seriously and came out in  full Lakers regalia. Long shorts and everything. JR said…..“Behind those iniquitous blue eyes of Randy Orton is a mind that is thinking -I have to step inside a steel cage in two weeks on Pay Per View against The Animal?” I hate to challenge Jim Ross, but what Randy was REALLY thinking was “Dave, you moron. You could have worn less clothes than that and you CHOSE to wear extra fabric? I don’t get you.”

The match was as expected. Some amazing stuff, some rubbish, but it was far more entertaining than I was expecting. Good conquered Evil when M.V.P pinned Cody Rhodes to take it for TEAM YAY!

But the real story of this match is that when Kennedy was on the receiving end of the RKO, he suffered a fairly nasty looking wrist injury. You can usually tell real pain. They try to smile through it but the grimace can’t help but break through. I can’t find any info online that says he’s going to lose any major time away from the ring, so I hope it’s nothing that can’t be fixed with an ice pack and a healing kiss. You have to feel a little bit sorry for the guy. You spend 10 months rehabbing your shoulder only to pick up another big inury in your first match back.

So that WAS the Denver Debacle. After Thursday’s rant I felt a tiny bit disloyal, but there’s no point in pretending I loved Vince’s tactics when I didn’t. However, when Michael Cole said this at the end of the show….

“Well thank you WWE Universe for all your support, this week, and each and every week. Thank you everybody, and good night from Los Angeles.”

………..I felt compelled to accept the gesture of gratitude. Now, let’s just forget this every happened and move on to better things.