Between them, the Sex and the City movies have a combined running time of just less than 5 hours. Of these near 300 minutes, only one 3 and a half minute sequence in the first movie ever comes close to catching the heart which ran through the show (specifically the later seasons). Set to Mairi Campbell’s fantastic rendition of ‘Auld Lang Syne’, the sequence wonderfully captures the emotional turmoil of some characters and juxtaposes it seamlessly with the happiness of others. With no dialogue, it is a scene which encapsulates the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’.

The other 297 odd minutes do nothing but gradually ruin the memories of a show considered by many to be inspiring and influential. Even the cast don’t seem keen on being there (doubtless not helped by the constant arguing which apparently occurred between Parker and Cattrall on set). They are made simply to cash-in on the many fans that were yearning to see the next chapter in the lives of Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha and Miranda.

The major problem which the films contain is the narratives. To call them lazy is an understatement; in the case of Carrie the plot is recycled directly from the narrative structure of the whole show. The first (and longer) film begins and ends in the same place with 2 and a half hours of filler (also known as bullshit) attempting to maintain the audiences interest. She has ‘Big’, she loses ‘Big’, she tries to make her way in the world without ‘Big’, she realises life will be about as shit as this film if she doesn’t have ‘Big, she gets ‘Big’ back… monkeys with typewriters would do a better job.

The second film plays on the idea that maybe Carrie could be happier without ‘Big’, then Aidan turns up (as a side note, John Corbett appears to have aged much better than any of the four leading ladies). Before you know it Carrie is considering whether Aidan may have been the “one” after all. But what do you know kids, as we reach the final act she realises true love must prevail and Carrie returns to ‘Big’ just in time for (yet another) happily ever after moment. It’s a plot which reeks of ‘we couldn’t think of a decent idea, but we haven’t done anything in a while and we have some bills to pay’.

What makes it worse is just how long the films go on for; they are each about 2 and a half hours and don’t you know it, if I had to sum it up in a phrase it would be ‘bum-numbing’. What is more, the second film bizarrely changes the setting to the Middle East and decides to do away with the sex meaning that a better title would have been ‘No sex and no City: Just bull’. And these are problems  found by simply looking on the surface, this is before I nitpick.

Lucky for you I won’t do that as there is more than a small chance I could write for a few hours straight on the various issues I found plaguing both films. Instead I shall sum up by quoting a user comment on Empire’s website which says it all: “the first film put the nail in the coffin and this film [2] hammered it home”… couldn’t have put it better myself.

Sex and the City: The Movie

Sex and the City 2

James

HBO has made various award winning shows over the years including personal favourites The Soprano’s and Band of Brothers. When looking over their complete filmography however, Sex and the City is likely to be the one that people consider as the most influential to society. Loved by some and hated by others it is a show which contains enough evidence for either argument; I therefore decided to sit down, having never watched the show properly before and view it from start to finish to discover whether it is a “fresh, smart, and emotional comedy drama that can make you laugh and cry in equal measure” or “complete bullshit that succeeds more in degrading women then helping them”*.

For those who have either managed to avoid the whole SATC saga or have simply been living under a rock for much of the last 12 years; Sex and the City follows the lives of best friends Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker), Samantha (Kim Cattrall), Charlotte (Kristin Davis) and Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) and their various relationship exploits as they try to find their “Mr Right” (or “Mr Big” in Carrie’s case). With each episode that passes, we see the quartet’s various relationships fizzle and in some cases burn while also dealing with being a woman in the 90’s.

As with the majority of HBO’s output, Sex and the City strives to be perfect all of the time. Sadly it doesn’t always achieve it, particularly during the first 3 seasons. The opening episode of the first season introduces us to the primary characters and establishes the narrative style of the show; it’s dramatic, funny and fresh as we follow Carrie and the girls discussing the ins and outs of both their personal and work lives. They discuss sex with the blatancy stereotypically associated with a male (especially in Samantha’s case), it may be a gimmick but that’s what drives a show (in The Soprano’s for example, the gimmick is a mob boss seeing a therapist) and it works… for a while. Unfortunately it is a gag that only goes so far and by the time we begin the second season, it has worn thin; as has the narrative.

The first 3 seasons are unable to get the balance between the 4 leads correct meaning we spend too much time with Carrie and not enough with the other, more likeable, ladies. The ‘Mr Big’ saga is interesting to begin with (aided by Chris Noth’s excellent performance) but soon enough becomes as uninteresting as SJP’s performance. By the time Aidan (John Corbett) turns up for the first time you think there is light at the end of the tunnel, guess again as the writers bizarrely attempt to keep the plot thread alive while balancing the Carrie/Aidan storyline. Because of this, some of the more interesting storylines (Miranda and Steve’s relationship, Charlotte’s marriage to Trey) can get lost in the ether and this can be aggravating.

Season 4, in comparison, is flawless. At its best it manages to mix real heartbreaking situations with confident but subtle humour; highlighted best in the episode ‘My Motherboard, My Self’. The funeral of Miranda’s mother is the standout scene of the entire show, heartfelt yet hilarious the scene gets pitch-perfect performances from everyone and Carrie’s narration manages to feel completely genuine, unlike in much of the rest of the show.

Seasons 5 & 6 equally impress at times with the mix of drama and humour (Samantha’s battle with cancer is particularly noteworthy) but they are never able to hold up to the quality of the wonderful 4th season. The relationship with Berger (Ron Livingston) and Carrie is badly handled and feels like more of an afterthought the longer it goes on. Admittedly, the ending is well constructed in tying up loose end while leaving enough to the audience’s imagination (until the films came along). But even then, the fate of Carrie feels unsatisfying; suddenly the writers doing away with all the problems that have plagued the ‘Big’ relationship in order to deliver that fairy-tale ending.

The performances are excellent on the whole. I have already expressed my dislike of Parker’s performance; it isn’t without its moments but Parker is hindered by the fact that Carrie, for the most part, is a complete bitch. Davis manages to nail Charlotte’s “Park Avenue Pollyanna” image throughout and even during the later seasons it continues to feel fresh and funny. Davis’s superbly optimistic Charlotte manages to aid Nixon’s equally shining performance as Miranda who is the complete opposite, holding a much more cynical view on relationships. It is in some of the exchanges between the two characters that the show finds its biggest dramatic impact, their differing outlooks on life clouding their judgement of each other. Cattrall’s performance is best summed up in Samantha’s own words, in short it’s “fabulous”.

Special praise, however, must be afforded to Willie Garson and Mario Cantone who play Stanford and Anthony. On the surface it is a presentation of the homosexual stereotype but both actors manage to capture real humanity in their characters, something many other shows have been unable to do when presenting gay characters. They easily steal every scene they are each in and the heated exchanges between the two characters which occur at various intervals during the final 3 seasons are some of the shows funniest moments.

The question though, is which of the statements quoted in my first paragraph is true? Is Sex and the City a “fresh, smart, and emotional comedy drama that can make you laugh and cry in equal measure” or “complete bullshit that succeeds more in degrading women then helping them”? Well, when looking at the show as a whole there is more than enough evidence to support both claims. Personally, I would lean more towards the former than the latter, despite numerous languorous moments I enjoyed the show as a whole. But the ending which appears to proclaim that no matter how much of an arsehole a man can be, if he apologises then you can take him back, certainly appears to degrade the fairer sex more than respect them.

Season 1:

Season 2:

Season 3:

Season 4:

Season 5:

Season 6:

*Both opinions which female friends of mine have expressed to me in relation to the show when discussing it with them.

James

I am a huge huge fan of the series, and one of the few who thought that the first movie was actually really good.  This installment however I felt, should have never been made at all.  It just was memorable for all the wrong reasons.

If I had my choice it would be Michael Patrick King. Can you imagine?? The cocktails would be flowing, the hot men, the good friends, and the most genius one liners ever! His show Sex and the City is amazing and timeless because of two things… the fashion and the writing. I would ask for a stylist to go along with my narrator but considering I would like to BE a stylist (and am!…just ask the three girls I dress at my apartment every weekend night) so I think I got that one covered.

I want my life to be timeless and meaningful. Who doesn’t (don’t lie!)?? I also want it to be soothing which is why my second pick, hands down: Morgan Freeman. No explanation necessary.

Who would your narrator be? I often think that who you choose to narrate your life really says something about you. It’s like a favorite color, or food, or how clean you keep your apartment. It’s who would express you through words the best.

A narrator besides being incredibly mind blowing, would also serve as a vehicle to stay on track in life and understand what it happening when those daily solo WTF moments happen. PLUS, you have someone to share it with (or someone’s voice at least  (I talk to myself already… a narrator would be a cherry on top to defending the case that I am not crazy)

Of everything I hope that one day technology reaches the level that everyone can have a narrator… and also that we all can have flying cars, eliminating the existence of traffic.

Dear God and Donald Trump,

 Please see above.

 Sincerely,

 Lauren

Previously on Guessing the Upfronts:

FOX: guessing-the-upfronts-first-up-fox

CBS: guessing-the-upfronts-cbs

ABC: guessing-the-upfronts-abc

NBC has many issues. In fact, they need a complete revamp of Monday night and Wednesday from 8-10. But with those needs comes freedom. Freedom knowing that whatever risky moves you might make on those days can’t do much worse than what you were already doing and the potential to do much better. NBC also has the NFL on Sunday as a cushion (I firmly believe all will be worked out. There is just too much money at stake for too many people and organizations for it not too. Even if it gets settled in late July, I believe there will be Football on Sunday come September).

As with ABC, on paper NBC has really interesting sounding pilots. In fact out of the 10 drama pilots there is nary one procedural. Well I guess Metro (formerly S.I.L.A) could be considered in that camp, but it resembles something much bigger like the Steven Soderbergh film Traffic and it’s created by that film’s brilliant screenwriter Stephen  Gaghan. It also boasts of a major star in Jimmy Smits.

I guess 17^th Precinct could be considered a police procedural but when it’s set in an alternate version of San Francisco where magic rules instead of science, you know you’re not watching your father’s Law & Order. Oh did I mention it’s from the mind of Ronald Moore, you know the man who reinvented Battlestar Gallactica for a new critically acclaimed generation? Oh and Michael Rymer who directed that show’s best episodes also directed this pilot. Not enough? Well it’s basically a Battlestar reunion as Jamie Bamber, Tricia Helfer and James Callis are among the cast. Plus fellow sci-fiers  Esai Morales (Caprica) and Kristin Kreuk (Smallville) plus Emmy Winner Stockard Channing, and actor extraordinaire, Eamon Walker, (fresh off his acclaimed 2 ep guest stint on Lights Out), co star. Yes that show is getting picked up.

How about Grimm from Angel’s David Greenwalt and is about a police detective who discovers fairy tale creatures live among us? That sounds pretty interesting (and has some themes in common with ABCs Once Upon A Time).

Mann’s World is from Sex & The City’s Michael Patrick King and is about a straight Beverly Hills hairdresser in his 50s who is struggling to stay young and relevant in a place where looks are everything. Did I mention it stars Don Johnson and features among its cast Ellen Barkin making her television debut, and the hysterical Mario Cantone and Sandra Vergara (Sofia’s sister)?

Playboy is another 60s themed drama (like ABCs Pan Am) set in the Playboy club and starring Eddie Cibrian, David Krumholz and Amber Heard. If NBC wants noise this will certainly get attention.

SMASH is another musical drama, but unlike GLEE, it’s about adults as they attempt to create a Broadway musical about Marilyn Monroe, The cast boasts Debra Messing and Angelica Huston, yes that Angelica Huston, but more importantly the show will feature original music by the amazing duo of Mark Shaiman and Scott Wittman (Hairspray). Talk about different!

NBC even has a post Civil War Western called Reconstruction directed by Peter Horton who after thirtysomething has become an amazing director (like most of that cast). He directed the pilot of Grey’s Anatomy. This show was created by Joshua Brand who has created some of the best TV shows of the last 30 years (St. Elsewhere, I’ll Fly Way, Northern Exposure).

After much development, NBC’s update of Prime Suspect is ready to go, written by Desperate Housewives’ Alexandra Cunningham and featuring Mario Bello returning to TV in the role made famous by Hellen Mirren.

Finally there is REM, created by Kyle Killen who created last season’s best drama, Lone Star. This time it seems he has married the original themes of that show with Inception and a cast that boats Jason Isaacs in a starring role, and features Wilmer Valderrama, BD Wong, Steve Harris and Laura Harris. It’s one of the best reviewed Drama scripts of the season. I’d be shocked if this doesn’t get picked up and a major marketing campaign from NBC.

The interesting thing about NBCs drama pilots is I could see them picking up most of them. They all sound unique and like I said, when you have little to lose, go for broke. ABC was in dire straits in ’04 when they greenlit and spent all their promotion on LOST and Desperate Housewives. The results were a game changing 6-year-old series and a show that’s going into its 8^th season next fall. More importantly it made them a ratings player and a network known for taking risks with development. NBC is in the same position now and with a guy like Robert Greenblatt calling the shots now (he made Showtime a force with Dexter, Nurse Jackie, Shameless) I’d imagine there will be more risks taken.

Bubble shows:

Parenthood – I never considered this a bubble show. It consistently got no less than a 1.9. Always grows with DVR and  boasts a stellar cast and creator in Jason Katims. It gets deserved critical acclaim. This week’s time winning 2.5 and 6 million plus viewers solidified its expected renewal.

Chuck – it’s had 4 years on the bubble. It’s not owned by NBC and the last few weeks it’s been getting a low 1.3. Under old regime, no one can say NBC hasn’t done right by it. With a new chief with no ties to it, I think it’s falling on the cancelled side, as of late. If it gets a pickup it will be for a final 13 ep pickup. I also don’t see it on Fall sked (or if it is, It will be on Friday) .

I think that’s it. Anything else isn’t on the bubble. It’s dead

How the schedule might shake out:

As I said, Monday and Wednesday should be completely new from 8-10.

There are many ways the network can go. For the sake of this exercise I will assume a few things:

• The Biggest Loser remains at Tue 8p but it gets shortened to an hour. With competition like Glee and NCIS in that hour I think NBC will leave TBL there as it does well, but the last two seasons of the show, the ratings have trended down. So I think NBC finally shortens it to an hour which accomplishes 2 things: 1) should make the 8p hour do better as the elimination occurs here and 2) Allows for something new Tues at 9p leading into Parenthood which for now, I will assume NBC will leave there, at least during the Fall
• I am going to assume that NBC will get behind a few big projects for the fall. A few that are pre sold and can create lots of noise. I think Wonder Woman is a lock. It’s had so much interest before they even shot a frame. Yes lots of ink has been spilled on the silly first draft of the script and the costume, but they already finessed the script and there will be many changes going forward. There’s no doubt people will show up for the first ep.With a terrific star in Adrienne Pallicki, there’s no reason to think this show won’t get ironed out. What’s clear though is that there’s much interest to check it out and it’s a pre sold concept. I see NBC getting behind it big. Where to schedule?
• I think NBCs other big promotional campaign in the fall will be around REM. It’s the most loved script, but with a concept that hews more to Inception than Lone Star something tells me this has a shot to break out.

Monday:

NBC could do a number of things here. They could go all single camera, female skewing, sitcoms (since CBS has a block of multi cams on this night). What if they went with 30 Rock at 8p, new Amanda Peet comedy, Bent, at 8:30, New Christina Applegate/Will Arnett/Maya Rudolph family comedy called Alpha Mom at 9p That show was created by Parks & Rec writer, Emily Spivey (and produced by Lorne Michaels) and seems to be a lock for a Fall pickup. They could cap the block with Parks & Rec at 9:30. They could bill it as a night of funny ladies: Tin Fey, Amanda Peet, Christina Applegate, and Amy Poehler. Remember in the late 90s they did something similar like this with Caroline in The City, Suddenly Susan and Will & Grace made its debut on the night. It didn’t work in the 90s and it might seem too risky. NBC also might not want to surround its night with 30 Rock and P&R. While they are critically acclaimed, they don’t usually get more than a mid 2.5.

NBC could always just make this a block of 4 brand new sitcoms. Yeah it’s risky but ABC did that last season and 3 of them are coming back in the fall for their 3^rd season. The shows NBC could add to the block could be Free Agents (with Kathryn Hahn and Hank Azaria) and the Jessica St. Claire comedy Best Friends Forever. As I type this, it just seems too risky for NBC. So what I think NBC might do for Mondays is put their most promotable and most buzzworthy projects from 8-10p.

8- Wonder Woman

9- REM (the other option is Wednesday, but with steep competition there, it has a better shot at breaking out on Monday), leading into Harry’s Law at 10. Yes the demo has been low but it’s been virtually a self-starter. The total viewers were always around 7 million which is the highest amount for any NBC show. With a better lead in it should do better all around.

Tuesday

8 A shortened Biggest Loser

10 Parenthood

From 9-10p I think NBC adds their 2 buzziest and easily promotable, female skewing, mutli cams:. Are You There God, It’s Me Chelsea followed by Whitney. There are no multi cams currently, Tue 9-10, and with a female skew they would fit in well with the other NBC shows on this night. Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings are known from Chelsea’s E! show and they have similar sensibilities and the two shows should flow well together.

*I also would not be surprised to see NBC use Playboy on Monday or Tuesday at 9p after Female skewing shows like Wonder Woman and The Biggest Loser.

Wednesday

I say SVU stays at 10. The last two years the show has been hurt by being moved to 9. So what goes from 8-10? I don’t see them trying comedies on this night. This is a total guess but I could see them going with 2 new shows with a sci-fi bent. Maybe Grimm at 8 leading into 17^th Precinct at 9? The latter is somewhat of a procedural with fantasy elements so might make a good bridge to SVU at 10. 17^th Precinct could get initial interest based on the Battlestar reunion. But honestly with X Factor on this night, Survivor, and the ABC comedies, these new shows seem like the best counter programming. Yes it’s risky and I’m sure NBC won’t be expecting miracles, but they could do decently. UNLESS: NBC decided to go 25-54 like I suggested ABC try for Tuesday. They could conceivably go with Betty White’s “Off Their Rockers” at 8 into Prime Suspect at 9 into SVU at 10.

 I actually think Metro would make a good fit with SVU but it’s a much denser show and would get clobbered vs. much straightforward competition.

UPDATE: Thu 4/27/11 -

After the stellar premiere of The Voice and the impressive rerun numbers last night, it looks like NBC has a hit. I definitely think they’ll bring it back midseason launching it out of the Super Bowl. But it got me thinking that they would use The Sing Off at least for an hour Tuesdays at 8 in the Fall. It will definitely do better than The Biggest Loser. I could see them launching either the multi cams I mentioned above or a high profile drama like Playboy at 9p or possibly Smash at 9p which could pick up some viewers from the Glee audience and The Sing Off audience. The Biggest Loser could segue to Wednesdays and certainly improve that night. If they cut it down to an hour, I could see them putting Prime Suspect at 9p. It’s a female led police procedural out of the female skewing The Biggest Loser. It could be a nice bridge to SVU.

I think NBC will use the Super Bowl to premiere The Voice Season 2and the obvious place to air it is Tuesday. I would also not be surprised to see it expanded to 2 nights. Taking a page from the CBS and ABC playbook, I would also not be surprised if one of the nights it airs on is Thursday (CBS premiered Survivor seaosn 2 after Super Bowl and instead of returning it to Wednesday they surprised the biz by moving it to Thursday and with the tandem of that show and CSI they went from nowhere to #1. ABC also used the Super Bowl to make GREY’s a monster but instead of moving it the next season to Mondays where most expoected it would go, on Upfront day they moved it to Thursday and also went from nowhere on Thursday to #1) . Yes Thursday is NBCs comedy night. But the only show bringing in really good numbers is The Office. What if they aired The Voice at 8p into 2 hours of comedies. All of a sudden it could be a return to must See TV( It could also dent Idol). As CBS and ABC have proven, all it takes is one show to tranform a night.

Thursday

Many are assuming that Smash will air at 10p on Thu. I could see that show meshing well the Thursday comedies. If that’s the case then I could see The Comedy lineup as such

8p- 30 Rock

8:30 Community

9p The Office

9:30 Alpha Mom or Brave New World.

The problem with this lineup is that would leave Parks & Rec out again and the opportunity to launch new comedies.

What if NBC left their 3 hour comedy lineup intact?

8p Community

8:30 Brave New World

9p The Office

930 Alpha Mom

10p 30 Rock

10:30 Parks & Rec

This scenario allows them to launch new comedies as well. Maybe Smash could go to Tue at 9p in between The Biggest Loser and Parenthood. It could potentially pick up all those music lovers that just watched Glee.

The more I think about it, with all the comedies NBC has in development, I am assuming they will launch comedies on a night besides Thu.

Friday

This is the easiest night to guess. They could go with a mix of Who Do You Think You Are and Minute To Win It at 8p followed by 2 hour Dateline. That combo usually does  very well on this night.

If The Voice pops, it’s not crazy to think NBC might order up a quick version for fall although it’s more likely for midseason when they don’t have the NFL. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised for NBC to do a fall version of Celebrity Apprentice based on how well it’s done this spring, to give them an extra cushion this Fall.

So after actually spending time trying to dissect this, it’s obvious NBC has many ways they could go and this is an almost futile exercise because they need help virtually every night of the week. If you have any guesses better than mine (shouldn’t be hard to accomplish), feel free to submit them in the comments below.

For another really smart take, check out Wesley Ambrecht’s here: armchair-scheduling-nbc-fall-2011

Please note: this analysis is based purely on what I read in the linked Vulture slideshow and my personal opinions.  I have not seen anything else about any of these shows.

Christina Ricci

Pan Am (ABC) - Why I’m excited: One word: costumes.  This show is going to have the greatest costumes ever.  Flight attendants were actually considered glamourous and fashionable at one point, and this show is going to bring it all back.  Plus it brings Christina Ricci to the small screen for the first time.  Why it won’t get picked up: Costume dramas are often times really expensive to make and sometimes modern audiences have a tough time relating to them.  Unless the spy element that Vulture mentioned is super cool and the show presents a way to give the show a life on the ground as well as in the air, I can see this show feeling repetitive and stifling.

Once Upon A Time (ABC) - Why I’m excited: Why wouldn’t I be excited about this show?  It stars fairy tale characters in our modern day world.  I mean, that just sounds cool.  Plus, Ginnifer Goodwin, hot of the Big Love finale.  I don’t know whether the show is going to go dark and gloomy Grimm style or candy colored Willy Wonka style, and I honestly don’t know what I would prefer.  Both takes sound so cool.  I have a feeling we’re going to get Grimm style, and I have a feeling I’m going to love it.  Why it won’t get picked up:  It’s a big concept show that could either succeed and really capture audience’s imaginations or be a complete train wreck.  ABC is pretty good about taking risks with the shows they put on air (see: Pushing Daisies), but the show has to either have a great cult/critical reception or have ratings through the roof (both, of course, would be preferable) to last past the first few episodes.

James Van Der Beek and Krysten Ritter from ABC's potential new series Apartment 23

Apartment 23 (ABC) – Why I’m excited: It used to be called Don’t Trust The Bitch in Apt 23.  It has James Van Der Beek (Dawson’s Creek) playing himself and Krysten Ritter who makes everything she’s in twice as awesome (she has the same effect as Judy Greer).  It sounds like a great, edgy fish out of water concept.  Why it won’t get picked up: What’s funny in concept is not always funny in execution.  Also, it might be a little too edgy for ABC whose comedies of late have been a little softer and genial (even Mr. Sunshine which tries to be cynical and edgy ends up being sweet more often than not.  And also, ends up being not funny.)

Sarah Michelle Gellar on the set of CBS' Ringer

Ringer (CBS) – Why I’m excited: SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR.  Dude.  Buffy is back.  And apparently from the premise of this show, a woman with a twin sister takes her sister’s identity to protect herself from hit men who are chasing her, Gellar is going to do a whole lot of ass kicking.  Why it won’t get picked up: CBS is the king of the procedural and this show sounds like it’s more of an actual serialized drama so it may not survive.  However, it would be a great risk for CBS to bet on because Gellar has such a huge cult following and great youth appeal.

Two Broke Girls (CBS) – Why I’m excited: First of all, how great to have so many shows with female protagonists that sound good?!?!  Secondly, this show, like Apartment 23, sounds actually funny.  It stars indie darling Kat Dennings (Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist), was written by Michael Patrick King (Sex and The City) and Whitney Cummings and it features this monologue (as highlighted by Vulture): ”This is the Williamsburg Diner, owned by Han Lee, who just changed his name to Bryce Lee because he wants people to take him even less seriously. Eight months ago he bought it from the Russian mob. The clientele used to be all eastern block criminals and crack whores but he took it over and ruined it …”  Why it won’t get picked up: Sounds a little too edgy for CBS.  Their latest comedy, Mad Love, is like a soft bunny that kids want to squeeze.  Two Broke Girls sounds like the show equivalent to my brother driving over that bunny with a truck.  Meaning, this show sounds like it could be just a tad too jaded for CBS’s soft bunny.

I'll watch anything that keeps Zach Gilford on my screen.

Iceland (Fox) – Why I’m excited: Zach Gilford has somewhere to land when (if?) Off The Map gets cancelled.  Why it won’t get picked up: It actually sounds pretty nuanced (follows a group of friends after one’s fiancé dies.  And it’s a comedy!) which is not the kind of thing that Fox excels at.

Smash (NBC) – Why I’m excited: Debra Messing, Angelica Houston and broadway?  Sign me up!  It’s being pitched as Glee for adults which could be problematic.  I would rather hear that it is like Soap Dish with singing (someone do that.  That I would watch.) but I’m still excited about the prospect of a show about the creation of a broadway show.  It’s the kind of outside the box thinking that NBC really needs going into next season.  Why it won’t get picked up: It could be a total train wreck.  Look, musicals on TV have a stigma that’s just now starting to wear off.  Audiences have begun to accept strange musical episodes of their favorite dramas (see: Grey’s Anatomy’s musical event from last week), but that doesn’t mean that there’s room for more than one musical series on their DVR.

Welcome back Christina Applegate?

Untitled Emily Spivey Project (NBC) – Why I’m excited: SUCH a great cast – Christina Applegate (who was so great on the canceled before it’s time Samantha Who?), Will Arnett (Arrested Development) and SNL’s Maya Rudolph.  Plus it’s being exec produced by Lorne Michaels who proved with 30 Rock that he knows how to pick ‘em.  Why it won’t get picked up: There’s no reason it won’t get picked up.  None.  I will be absolutely flabbergasted if it doesn’t get picked up.

I’ve spent the better part of the past three days watching Sex and the City re-runs. I haven’t taken the quiz yet or anything, but I’m pretty sure I’m Miranda.

No, I’ll keep going about that. But I wanted to be upfront about my hatred. It’s a bold statement, considering that the previously-held title in my eyes was Almost Heroes, starring Matthew Perry and Chris Farley. Do not watch that one, either.

Okay, onto this piece of shit. First of all, I am furious that SJP and MPK and the rest of these hooligans were so selfish that they needed to drag this previously perfect franchise into the realm of the big screen. Sex and the City was not meant for the movies, ever, and while I enjoyed the first movie, I certainly could have done without it. This one was just a self-masturbatory clusterfuck of sand and harem pants and gay jokes and Botox. I know I complained about Avatar being too long at 3 hours, but I’m giving it a little credit now for at least being visually stunning. SATC 2 was two and a half hours. That’s just stupid.

I don’t even know where to begin with this thing. Nearly very scene was contrived, nearly every line of dialogue was nothing like the show, every outfit was over-the-top, and every makeup job somehow managed to emphasize how much these four beautiful women have aged. Those two “nearlys” I just noted deserve some explanation, I know. What I mean is that, for the most part, the scenes and lines in this movie felt like a movie (to paraphrase my best friend Anna). Big spouted off sexually-charged cheesy one-liners like they were going out of style, Carrie gave them right back, Samantha’s innuendos weren’t even remotely clever, and… man, I don’t even feel like talking about it anymore. All I know is that the decent moments—i.e., Miranda and Charlotte’s heart-to-heart about motherhood, Carrie’s occasional funny quips, and Carrie’s interesting statement that she doesn’t want to end up one of those couples who sits at home and watches TV and doesn’t talk—drowned in a sea of horrible, embarrassing writing. I can’t even believe the actresses were able to get through scenes without gagging.

Oh, and, yeah… Liza Minnelli is in this movie. She does the Single Ladies dance at Stanford and Anthony’s gay gay gay gay (they mention it a lot) gay gay gay wedding. Penelope Cruz is in it too, for some dumb reason. Miley Cyrus makes an appearance. And these weirdos reach low points in their careers for SATC2 while the characters we (or maybe just I) actually care about—like Smith, Steve, Harry, and Magda—get like five seconds of screen time. Preposterous.

Also, the other offensive, juvenile stuff: the braless nanny, the “two days off” proposal, the fact that Carrie kisses Aidan and Big doesn’t even make her feel bad about it, the incredibly lavish trip that these women take in the middle of a recession, the fact that Anthony is allowed to cheat on Stanford… what has this show come to? It’s a horrible, exploited, indulgent shell of itself. I once turned to it for sympathy, understanding, comfort, laughs, tears, all of those things. Now I don’t think I can do that. Shame on you, Sex and the City, for ruining something so perfect.