According to Google, the Ladies… have written about Pat Burrell 118 times. By no means is that the most we’ve ever covered a hottie of sport (paging Tom Brady, Ryan Lochte, etc.), but he is a part of the very fiber of our collective heart nonetheless.

In most of the rest of this post, we'll forget he has a face, too.

The location on our Twitter page is “behind Pat Burrell.” He was a consensus pick to be featured in the site banner way back when (before I was around, which says something). Burrell also won the Mickey Mantle Award in 2007, and honestly the award could be re-named after his…self.

(Bonus reading material: Deadspin’s library of Burrell stories is fascinating and also gross. Like that time my dog pooped several marbles.)

Why the obsession? Let’s take a visual journey.

I can't even...and neither can the catcher there.

We will only think the cleanest of thoughts.

Remember that time he was the Rays' DH?

Is he...trying to check himself out?

Wallpaper forever. No, I mean, in my house.

Om nom nom Phillies pants

Taking a healthy hack.

It should be cast in bronze.

Whewww….where was I, again? Oh yeah: Farewell, sweet Bat. Your backside has enthralled baseball fans for many years, and it will be missed. As Texas Gal wroteso many years ago:

Pat hones his ass to perfection like other major leaguers work on things like “hitting” and “fielding”. His ass is the sun around which everything else in his life revolves, and to which women are drawn like a moth to the flame. Songs have been written in its honor.

Consider this but one more such song.

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]]> http://ladiesdotdotdot.wordpress.com/2007/06/28/mickey-mantle-award-baseball%e2%80%99s-best-assets-pt-the-final/ Thu, 28 Jun 2007 16:00:00 +0000 Texas Gal http://ladiesdotdotdot.wordpress.com/2007/06/28/mickey-mantle-award-baseball%e2%80%99s-best-assets-pt-the-final/ It’s time to crown his ass.
The time to reveal the best butt in all of baseball has arrived.

I’ve got the top 5 asses in baseball for you after the jump (and a rundown of the other 20 we’ve already honored) — just be sure to wear your shades… the reflection of their awesomeness is blinding.

Part One
25. Grady Sizemore- Cleveland Indians, CF
24. Jarrod Saltalamacchia – Atlanta Braves, C
23. Barry Zito – San Francisco Giants, P
22. Ryan Theriot - Chicago Cubs, 2B/SS
21. Brad Ausmus - Houston Astros, C
Part Two
20. Alex Gordon – Kansas City Royals, 3B
19. B.J. Upton – Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 3B
18. Chase Utley – Philadelphia Phillies, 2B
17. Jeff Francoeur – Atlanta Braves, RF
16. Carlos Beltran – New York Mets, CF
Part Three
15. Xavier Nady – Pittsburgh Pirates, RF
14. Jimmy Rollins – Philadelphia Phillies, SS
13. Paul Konerko – Chicago White Sox, 1B
12. David Wright - New York Mets, 3B
11. Albert Pujols – St. Louis Cardinals, 1B
Part Four
10. Eric Chavez – Oakland Athletics, 3B
9. Michael Barrett – Chicago Cubs San Diego Padres, C
8. Conor Jackson - Arizona Diamondbacks, 1B
7. Javy Lopez – Colorado Rockies, C
6. Aaron Rowand – Philadelphia Phillies, CF

And on with the countdown…

#5: Mark Grudzielanek
Kansas City Royals, 2B

The guy with the funniest name this side of Jarrod Saltalamacchia also has the hottest ass of any second baseman in the league. Frankly, I was shocked to find that not one, but TWO Royals made the list. Goes to show that in baseball you never know where the hottest assets can be found, so a trip to the ballpark will always be worth it.

#4: Joe Mauer
Minnesota Twins, C

If the Oakland A’s are the hottest roster in baseball, the catcher’s position is the Oakland A’s on the sweet asses scale of the baseball diamond. The position is LOADED with outstanding assets, and the competition for #1 is fierce. But Chairman Mauer takes it in a walk. He just keeps getting taller (6’5″ and pushing 6’6″), which does beautiful things for the view from behind. They grow ‘em beautiful up in the Twin Cities.

#3: Scott Podsednik
Chicago White Sox, LF

When it comes to Scotty PoPo, I am often rendered speechless. Dude is so indescribably hot, I…. I…. see what I mean? Words fail me. His ass is a work of art, y’all. I mean- WHOA. Just… WHOA. Thank you to the great state of Texas, for putting out talent like this into the world, to the Chicago White Sox, for fielding talent like this in LF, and Scotty, for sharing talent like this with us. Now if only he’d quit overworking his groin muscles, we’d get more shots of him like the above.

#2: Huston Street
Oakland Athletics, P

Speaking of Texas… hello, Huston. More specifically, hello Huston’s gorgeously perfect ass. It’s like two puppy dogs tumbling around under a blanket, two perfect orbs sculpted out of the finest marble, a gift from the heavens sent down for womankind. When a man’s butt drives me to writing this kind of sappy drivel, it’s gotta be something special. That’s an ass MADE to be showcased on a baseball diamond. It’s just a shame we don’t get 9 full innings of its glory every day.

* * * * *

And the hottest ass of all, the cream of the crop, the standard by which all other butts in baseball pants are judged- and the proud owner of the first ever Mickey Mantle Award goes to…

#1: Pat Burrell
Philadelphia Phillies, LF

It had to be Pat. There was no other choice. Pat hones his ass to perfection like other major leaguers work on things like “hitting” and “fielding”. His ass is the sun around which everything else in his life revolves, and to which women are drawn like a moth to the flame. Songs have been written in its honor.

Congratulations, Pat’s ass- you are the champion.

Honorable Mentions: David Dellucci, Ryan Langerhans, Jose Reyes, Scott Rolen, Andruw Jones, Justin Morneau, Cole Hamels, Alex Rodriguez, Carlos Delgado, Jermaine Dye, Chris Capuano, Nick Markakis, Brad Lidge, Jonathan Papelbon, Dan Uggla, Ryan Howard, Scott Proctor, Bobby Crosby, Carlos Quentin, Mark Mulder, Ryan Sweeney.

Mickey Mantle Award Part 1: #25-21
Mickey Mantle Award Part 2: #20-16
Mickey Mantle Award Part 3: #15-11

A hot ass smudged with dirt from a great slide? Yes, please!

And now we’re moving on to the single digits- the next five finest baseball asses around in our countdown on the way to the greatest butt of them all… the baseball bootie to end all booties. Follow me after the jump for #10-6…

#10: Eric Chavez
Oakland Athletics, 3B

Eric looks just as beautiful coming as he does going, thanks to his rugged good looks and unbelievable ass. Let’s also take a moment and sing the praises of the baseball pant- especially of the white variety. They make baseball players’ butts look phenomenal, and they make ogling those butts so much easier. Eric, we salute your lovely ass (and your white baseball pants).

#9: Michael Barrett
Chicago Cubs, C

Michael is a perfect example of the new breed of tall catchers folding up their long limbs to crouch behind the plate. I fear for his knees, but I love how all that gumbification makes his butt that much tighter. And don’t tell me the thought that he might engage another ballplayer in fisticuffs at a moment’s notice doesn’t make him hotter. Let me kiss those stitches and black eyes and make them all better, Mikey.

#8: Conor Jackson
Arizona Diamondbacks, 1B

The DBacks are surprising everyone this year. Not only are they kicking ass on the field, they’re hiding a lot of hotties out there in Arizona as well (not you, Big Unit- sorry, TSW). But Conor and his sweet ass outshine them all. He’s also the highest-ranking first baseman on the list, and so he claims the first position at 1B on the Depth Chart o’ Hot Asses.

#7: Javy Lopez
Colorado Rockies, C

Javy is an all-time hottie- his butt is so great, that he’ll continue to make the list until he retires no matter what. It may be found inside a pair of Rockies pants these days, but Javy’s ass will not be defined by the team on which he plays- but by the strength of his buttcheeks.

#6: Aaron Rowand
Philadelphia Phillies, CF

Bacon Pants, ahoy! With the overload of ass-tastic talents on the Phillies, it’s always sunny in Philadelphia. Aaron Rowand’s rear-view talents are spectacular- especially when he’s knocking out a game-winning grand slam (way to go last night, darlin’!) or crashing into fences going for a ball (or even crashing into fellow teammates). Being a grinder apparently does amazing things for Aaron’s gorgeous butt… so, grind away, sweetheart!

You can check out the butts that have made the grade so far at: Mickey Mantle Award Part 1: #25-21 and Mickey Mantle Award Part 2: #20-16. And we’re moving on up to #15-11 after the jump…

#15: Xavier Nady
Pittsburgh Pirates, RF

The Buccos are well represented by the beauty that is Xavier’s ass- even though the Cardinals, Padres and Mets should be able to share in at least a little of the glory, since they’ve all been the beneficiary of his lovely assets. He even makes the new red-trimmed unis look hot. Plus, he gets bonus points for having the coolest name of the entire group.

#14: Jimmy Rollins
Philadelphia Phillies, SS

I’m surprised they were able to catch Jimmy’s lovely butt in motion on film, because he’s so damned fast I’d have thought there would just be a blur where his legs should be. The ungodly speed apparently does wonders for his butt, because he’s a solid #14 on the list. Not every man on the list can be a 6-4 220 pound hunk- there’s room to show love to the great butts on the under 6-0 guys, too.

#13: Paul Konerko
Chicago White Sox, 1B

Paulie is the dark horse entrant who came out of nowhere to claim the #13 slot- mostly because I was enthralled while watching his sweet ass at work on the diamond from my seat in the bullpen bar at the Cell a few weeks ago. Paul is the everyman, the boy next door you always had a crush on– who just so happens to be a fantastic ballplayer with a gorgeous butt. South side, indeed.

#12: David Wright
New York Mets, 3B

New York’s Mister Clean also has the sweetest ass in the city, the county and the whole darned state. You hear that, Yankees? Y’all didn’t get a single guy on the list. Once again, the Mets are showing NY who’s boss. I know some people will cry foul that David is at #12, which seems a little low for his… talent level. But it’s good to keep this guy humble- let’s make him work harder to move up in the rankings for next year.

#11: Albert Pujols
St. Louis Cardinals, 1B

St. Louis can blame Alby for the fact that there’s only one Cardinal on the list. That’s because his butt is so amazing, all the other guys on the team pale in comparison. His butt outshines all the rest. Yet another category in which no baseball player wants to be measured against Pujols.

And continuing on our journey along the dazzling array of assets conveniently located inside a pair of tight baseball pants on major league diamonds around the country… this time we’re tucking in to #20-16, after the jump…

#20: Alex Gordon
Kansas City Royals, 3B

Alex was a very late entrant in the rankings, mostly because I know almost nothing about the Royals (and also because Alex just made his major league debut this year). But watching a game the other day, his assets really stood out on the field- and then I saw this picture. Kansas City is looking hotter by the minute. I know there’s a KC beef joke in there somewhere… I’ll let you fill in your own.

#19: B.J. Upton
Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 3B

B.J. is a shy guy when it comes to showing off his gorgeous assets- unlike certain other of the guys on the list (I’m looking in your direction, Philadelphia), there aren’t a thousand pictures of B.J. sticking his ass out for the enjoyment of the ladies in the stands. Humility is sweet, B.J.- but so is your butt, so give us a little something every now and then.

#18: Chase Utley
Philadelphia Phillies, 2B

Chase may be baseball’s most perfect man (he’s just so darned pretty), and his perfect ass is just part of that lovely package. Lately, he’s taken to ruining the lines of that rearview masterpiece with a dip can tucked in the back pocket (tsk, tsk, Chutley), but his butt is just so darned lovely that I can’t hold it against him.

#17: Jeff Francoeur
Atlanta Braves, RF

Atlanta has a lot to be proud of in homegrown hottie Jeff. With that ass on the starting roster, there’s a lot of lovely scenery to be found out in right field in the ATL. I can only hope that with the change in ownership of the Braves, Liberty Media can somehow find a way to devote more on-air time to Francouer’s sweet ass. Who do I need to talk to about this?

#16: Carlos Beltran
New York Mets, CF

Blame Metschick for this one- she has converted me to the gorgeousness that is Carlos. I don’t think she’d ever imagine I’d use my newfound knowledge to study up on his ass, but I know she’ll approve all the same. Metschick is never happier than when there’s some hot Mets bootie on display. And WHAT a bootie he has- I mean, just look at it. I’ll give you awhile… take your time.

NEXT TIME: we soldier on to reveal #15-11 on the list.

I’m here to fill that void, with a countdown of the 25 hottest asses in baseball. The butt that tops the list at #1 earns the inaugural Mickey Mantle Award, representing the finest ass to be found inside a pair of major league baseball pants.

First up: #25-21 on the list. We’ll ogle our way through all 25 on the countdown, 5 at a time (ahem). Let’s take a dip into the shallow end of the pool…

#25: Grady Sizemore
Cleveland Indians, CF

Staring out from the cover of SI this week with those beautiful brown eyes (in eye black!), I was almost convinced to rank Grady higher. Almost. But this Award is for the hottest ass, and while Grady’s butt is definitely Top 25 material, I cannot reward him for wearing such loose pants.

#24: Jarrod Saltalamacchia
Atlanta Braves, C

Jarrod is the brand spankin’ new rookie (called up May 2nd) representing’ in the Top 25 for all the new guys in the league. He may be shiny and new, but that ass has been honed for years on the diamond. Welcome to MLB, darlin’ – we’re glad to have you… and your lovely ass.

#23: Barry Zito
San Francisco Giants, P

Z may have downgraded himself from the hottest roster in baseball to the other team across the bay, but his butt is still just as beautiful as ever. He’s also only one of two pitchers to make the list- so his ass should be prized even more. Hot outfielder ass and hot catcher ass are a dime a dozen– but hot pitcher ass is to be treasured.

#22: Ryan Theriot
Chicago Cubs, 2B/SS

Am I allowed to make a “coon-ass” joke here about Louisiana hottie Ryan “The Riot” Theriot? Because if that’s a the type of coon-ass Nick Saban was referring to, it’s no wonder they’re recruited so heavily. Good news for Cubs fans and hottie fans alike: The Riot may soon earn himself a permanent starting slot on the Cubbies’ roster. The view in Wrigley just got a whole lot hotter.

#21: Brad Ausmus
Houston Astros, C

Our second catcher on the list (it’s a recurring theme- catchers develop the sweetest asses from all that crouching down and springing up), Brad is also the only guy from the two Texas teams to make the list. And look at him here, all coy- don’t be shy, Brad. Don’t hide your light under a bushel, baby- let it shine!