Me & you, cartoon version.

Ever since scientist and inventor Rick Moranis proved people-shrinking technology to be a disquieting possibility in the documentary Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, I’ve had nightmares about it happening to me. I’ll wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat (as opposed to my usual hot sweat) screaming that the bed is a matchbox stuffed full of facial tissue. So far this has never been the case, but I put to you that it’s only a matter of time. I consider playing Micro Machines to be training for that fateful day, when I suddenly find myself forced into a deadly race on someone’s kitchen table.

To ensure that the training reflected reality as closely as possible, I selected the leather-clad cool dude character Spider (pictured above) as my driver and the hapless simp Walter (also pictured above, the simp) as my opponent. The reality is that I’m completely awesome and that everyone else around me is more or less Walter. Worthless, useless, ginger Walter. I do have to admit that Walter’s glee in being selected to do anything save sit on his duff and slowly die out his butt was quite amusing, but his glee would soon be crushed as he lost race after race. After race. After race. In fact, all I had to do was outpace Walter to the edge of the screen, and a black ball would fly out and batter around my car for a while before I got a “BONUS” and drew one step closer to victory. Was Walter even cognizant of what was happening? Probably not.

Micro Machines is kind of entertaining: the character designs make me laugh; the racing part of the game, however, leaves much to be desired, which is a problem in a racing game. The tracks (bathtub, garden, tables & desks) and vehicles (cars, boats, helicopters) are varied, true, but the constant resetting of the vehicles when you outpace your opponent to the screen edge quickly became tiresome. The control isn’t so hot, and you’ll often find yourself getting inescapably stuck on obstacles. The overhead perspective makes it tricky to navigate around the levels even with helpful track lines laid down in front of you. Some of them look like lines of cocaine, but I think they’re supposed to be chalk. You really can’t snort chalk like cocaine.

Overall, I wouldn’t bother with Micro Machines except for the character selection screen, since that’s by far the best part. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to return to crafting tiny weapons and armour.

Yup.  It’s my birthday!  Good times.  If only it was filled with Transformers, M.A.S.K., G.I. Joe, and LEGOs like it used to be.  That would be great wouldn’t it?  We could sit around and have wars.  Then once your team was all dead you could play War, the card game, work on the Rubix Cube, or go build a fort out of anything and everything.  But I guess times change and people expect us to grow up.  Ha.  Yeah right!  You all can do your growing up thing and I’ll go build a fort out of LEGOs or my Transformers and Micro Machines to live in!

But I guess part of us does grow up.  This is my last birthday before I turn 30.  Wow.  I’m really glad I don’t feel old enough to be 30.  I hope I don’t next year either.  This also marks my last birthday prior to children.  Not really sure how that’s gonna affect my birthday, but I would be stupid to assume that it wouldn’t.  Wait!  Maybe that means I get an extra gift from the kid too!  Of course then they will start making macaroni pictures in Sunday School and that will be my birthday gift.  Those are super sweet and cute and all those other girl words that tend to follow super.  It just will be different.

So here’s to 28 completed years of life.  Bring on the next one!  I have a feeling it will be a very eventful one.

PS – Comments on the blog are a great birthday present for those of you that weren’t gonna buy me something!

Gone are the days that we have all our friends over to our house or to Chuck E. Cheese’s for a birthday party where they all bring numerous gifts of G.I. Joe’s, Transformers, LEGOs, and MicroMachines.  That’s too bad.  That would be amazing!  But, apparently as we get older we don’t do those things any more.  Yeah, we still get all our friends together and have cake or some other sort of dessert, but we generally just go to a restaurant or do something else that our younger selves would have been bored out of their minds doing.  And with this change you start having to make decisions about your birthday gifts instead of just which present do I open first.

Well, my birthday is coming up next week and I am having to make one of those decisions.  I am struggling with it right now so I need your help.  For about the same price I have a couple options that I haven’t been able to choose between.

1. Spamalot – For those of you that don’t know what Spamalot is let me tell you that it is the best thing to come out of Broadway in the past…well…ever!  The guys of Monty Python have created a Broadway show out of the movie Monty Python And The Holy Grail.  I actually went to see it last year and I know from experience that it is insanely funny and amazing.
2. CD/MP3/Aux Player for my Jeep – This is not too difficult to explain.  Everyone has one.  Except me.  My Jeep has a cassette player and it no longer works.  Bummer.  So I have the radio and that is it.  It is illegal (I believe) to have both earbuds in while driving so I need to do something, right?

Both of these options have immediate gratification, but Spamalot has the gratification for the night (and then the lasting memory in my head).  The CD player will be great to have in the car for a long time coming.  Spamalot will be much better over the course of a shorter period of time while the CD player will be good for a longer period.

So you tell me!  Which one do I choose!?

It’s time for games 80-71 in GregHorrorShow’s Top 100 Games!

A quick recap on how I decided who came where:

I decided, as so many games mean so many different things to me, I should come up with a fair way to judge them. This is what I came up with:

Time Spent Playing

Storyline

Difficulty

Fun

Ground Breaking?

A few provisos before we hit the next ten games…

Firstly this is my list of my Top 100 games. I certainly don’t expect you guys to agree with it (though hopefully you’ll agree with some of the choices  ) and would welcome any comments.

Secondly, I’m not planning on putting the scores or totals up, just listing the games in the order they came out in.

Lastly, I never owned a Nintendo or Microsoft console so my experiences on these games were limited to friend’s houses etc – bite me

So here’s number 80!

80. WARHAMMER 40,000: FIRE WARRIOR (Playstation 2)

I was never really into Warhammer as a kid. I had the Space Crusade board game they put out but made up my own rules and that was as far as I went. However I was quite excited by the prospect getting into Space Marine gear and… Oh you’re not a Space Marine Despite that disappointment the game was great fun and it made a refreshing change to blast people with lasers as opposed to bullets. A good game with some nice shootouts as the story progresses.

79. DONKEY KONG (Arcade)

The game that made Mario famous. Donkey Kong was really difficult. Trying to get the little plumber up to the top without being hit by the numerous barrels thrown by Donkey Kong was a major challenge. Add in fireballs and elevators and it becomes nigh on impossible. One of the first real platform games and a real coin eater in the aracde.

78. SUPER PUNCH OUT (Arcade)

Another arcade classic – I’ve got lots of happy memories of this gem. In particular my nan playing it on one holiday and doing pretty well! This was a great game that put you squarely in the shoes of a boxer trying to win the world title. Your opponents were a ragtag bunch of cartoon-esque characters – after Glass Joe the rest stepped up the difficulty and kept you coming back for more.

77. FINAL FIGHT (Arcade)

One of my favourite games EVER. Final Fight was absolutely brilliant… limted but brilliant. The mayor’s daughter has been kidnapped and her friends Cody and Guy set off to rescue her. Oh, did I forget to mention her Dad is MIKE HAGGER He also goes along to rescue her. You had the choice of controlling either of the three men before dishing out some vigilante justice on the streets of Metro City. Awesome, just awesome.

76. MICRO MACHINES (Sega Mega Drive)

Man, the hours I piled into this game are never coming back Stonking multi-player racing, especially with the Mega Drive cartridge itself housing two extra pad ports for four player mayhem! Everyone always picked Spider but we all know if he was angry enough Walter probably could’ve taken him Seriously good racing, very well thought out courses and the hazards were brilliant.

75. MANIC MINER (ZX Spectrum)

Manic Miner was a mainstay of my young gaming life as we had it for the ZX Spectrum when I was a kid. Boy was this a toughie! I think I only made it a few screens in. This was the ultimate in hardcore gaming for me for a long time. Frustrating but fun and it was a real challenge to see who could get the furthest.

74. DONKEY KONG COUNTRY (Super Nintendo)

I used to get to my mates house early before school every morning to play this at one stage. The comic style 3D graphics were like nothing else at the time and some of the gameplay was brilliant. This was one of those games that everybody was playing and it was one of the few decent games to do 3D properly.

73. WWE LEGENDS OF WRESTLEMANIA (Playstation 3)

All your favourites from the WWF era (excluding Macho Man Randy Savage) come together to battle it out in WWE Wrestlemania. What I love about this game is the fact it’s so easy to play and the quick time events for bigger moves/finishers is a brilliant addition. The best wrestling game in years.

72. TWISTED METAL (Playstation)

Rumours abound that Twisted Metal will be making a return to PS3 in the next year or so and I welcome it. The first game saw you enter into a competition against other drivers with the mysterious Calypso, who promises the winner whatever they desire. Vehicles are armed and it’s a fight to the death. Remembered for demonic ice cream van driving clown Sweet Tooth, my favourite was Crimson Fury or Spectre – brilliant characters.

71. KANE AND LYNCH (Playstation 3)

I know Kane and Lynch got a lot of stick upon it’s release but for me, while it was broken in terms of camera and controls, it had enough great moments to see it through. Some of the levels were brilliant – the bank robbery, the jail break etc. I really liked the storyline and the online mode Fragile Alliance was one of the best concepts I’ve encountered for online multiplayer gaming. Essentially there is a pot of money for your team to rob from the building. Facing off against the police is one thing but only surviving members get a cut of the cash. So if there are three of you left when the police are dealt with do you split the money three ways? Or try and take out the other guys and keep it all for yourself? Absolutely fantastic.

So another lot wrapped up, we’re edging towards the Top 50!! Games 70 – 61 up next…

Como iba a quedarme solo en casa (Wanda salió con una amiga), terminé en la casa de Nikko. Anduvimos viendo fotos de su viaje, hablando de la vida, comiendo, pero lo principal fue que nos matamos con la playstation 2. Primero con el winning eleven (donde le pasé el trapo) y después jugando al micro machine (juego simple pero extremadamente adictivo), ahi se sumó Natalie y hubo unos cuantos duelos muy peleados (aunque en ese juego me ganaron la mayoría de las veces).

Y como estaba ocupado acelerando a fondo con los mini autitos, Nikko se tuvo que encargar de sacar la foto para el día de hoy.

Sometimes politics is just too funny.  Like, remember when Dick Cheney countered Barack Obama’s assertion that enhanced interrogation techniques made us less safe by accusing him of “phony moralizing?” Ha!  Or when the Senate passed legislation that would rein in credit card rate increases and excessive fees, a move which arguably ushers us into a new era of credit card reform? A gas!

But for real, once in a while, the soulless shells of human beings that walk our halls of power make funny.

I vote that we hire this hero, Douglas Wilder, to engage in a to-the-death speak-off with another hero, John Moschitta.  Doug, you may have displayed your patriotism through enhanced congressional testimony, but John is actually carrying an aircraft carrier.  Who’s the patriot now?

I’ll admit, since being job-free I have enjoyed my sleep-in time.  To be honest, usually 9 is the time I start the day.  It’s pretty great.  So you can imagine when today I woke up to incessant ringing.  No it wasn’t from a death metal concert the night before, but my sister calling-hanging up-and calling again.  Since no one tends to call the casa de Amanda before 10, a slight panic arose deep down.  Of course, then I looked at the clock. In big red block letters….7:14.  That sense of panic swiftly turned into a few choice words uttered under my breath, and since the phone wouldn’t let me go back to sleep, I answered.

It was my sister, and she had a quasi-panicked tone in her voice, but I was still ready to let her have it for interrupting my beauty sleep.  Good thing she’s wicked smaht, because she started the convo with “Sorry to wake you up!”  That girl sure does value her car’s paint job, but I digress.  It turns out her neighbor oddly called to ask if she had a sister named Amanda.  (First thing that comes to mind….Stalker!!) Turns out my name was called out on KISS108 and I had 30 minutes to call for $250!  GOOD MORNING!  The Micro Machines man would be proud at how fast I thanked her, said bye and dialed the radio station.

I got through, verified my birthdate and I was transferred to the DJ.  Here I was thinking this was my chit chat time, my fifteen minutes if you will.  Ummmm not so much.  For 6 minutes and 47 seconds I listened to some good cocker spaniel talk and some very funny albeit inappropriate jokage.  Then Matty said…AMANDA (that’s me) and I turned into Micro Machines Man again and in 6 seconds, my fifteen minutes was over. But hey…in 6 seconds I earned $250….if I kept that going I would be the next Donaldine Trump!

Oh, and in case you were wondering what my new found mini-wealth would be spent on, truth is, it’s already spent.  That’s right no new wardrobe for Amanda or an endless supply of DD drinks…nope, it’s going straight to my dentist to pay for two fillings, do not pass go, do not collect $200.  [Did you see what I did there with the joke? I got $250 and then I said collect $200, but I already did, get it?  Eh....FORGET IT!]

Show Notes
00:00 It’s a podcast!
01:07 Who we are and what we do
02:52 “The Wrestler” and the NES
10:05 A Boy And His Blob announced for Wii
13:27 Yuusha, the 30 Second RPG for PSP
15:56 Old School: Micro Machines
21:24 Turbo Top Threes!
25:19 Send us your comments to mailbag@leeandz.com
26:39 CONTEST: Ending Catchprhase

News Stories
WrestleJam ‘88, the custom NES-style game made for The Wrestler
The Making of Wrestle Jam: The Wrestler’s Unsung Hero
The Necro Butcher vs. Hollywood Chuck Hogan (Don’t click this link, Z!!!)
8-Bit Wrestler, music featured in “The Wrestler”

A Boy And His Blob Announced for Wii
Announcement
Screenshots
Gameplay video

Yuusha: The 30 Second RPG for PSP

External Links
Still Gaming
Lee on YouTube.com
Lee on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com

Little Miss Gamer
Z as Little Miss Gamer on YouTube.com
Z as Little Miss Gamer on ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com
The NEW Adventures of Captain S!

A word from Lee
Lee here, and am I ever excited! We have our first episode of the Lee & Z Show in the books!

Yep, this was the big surprise. As many of you know, I’m a huge fan of PBC Productions and their major works, Little Miss Gamer and The NEW Adventures of Captain S. Lindsey Briggs and myself have great respect for each other, and the opportunity presented itself for us to collaborate on this extensive project together. Lee and Z have collided to form a brand new half-hour audio podcast once every two weeks, and folks, this is only the beginning!

The Lee & Z Show is going to cover a ton of things. We’re going to usually be heavy on retro gaming, but we’ll also cover the current gen stuff, as well as movies, television, cartoons, anime, and anything else that screams ‘geek’.

What do you think of the show? Let us know! We have an e-mail set up at mailbag@leeandz.com. Also, keep in mind that we have that contest going on! Send in your submissions for potential show-ending catchphrases to the mailbag! If we go with your catchphrase, you’ll win a DVD worth at least $10. Easiest contest in the world!

Not only can you listen to the show here, but you can also get our podcast on iTunes! We’ll also be crossposting our episodes to YouTube in the near future.

To accompany the show notes, we also have several links related to the subjects we talked about. Here’s what all goes down in our first show.

I love having sons for many reasons. One reason, in particular, is that I get to play with Hot Wheels again. Its only a matter of time until I get to whip out the Legos and teach them how to eat Play-Doh. I can’t wait.

This has caused me to think through my favorite childhood toys. Here are my top 5:
1. Mask
2. Micro Machines
3. Legos
4. Video Camera
5. Starting Lineup

What made your list?

MORE THINGS THEY SHOULD BRING BACK

PIONEER CHICKEN

Even though this fast food chicken joint was primarily a Southern California chain, I miss it a whole lot. It was my introduction to Los Angeles and to fried chicken pieces at fast food restaurants. I hadn’t been to McDonald’s all that much before I was 10 or so because I was always eating at Pioneer Chicken. All I remember is it was greasy, scrumptious, tasty and the price was right.

*finding the worst possible picture I could find was hard but I succeeded.

TEARS FOR FEARS

Man, I think back to the those silly, loud and ridiculous 1980’s and can’t seem to get Tears for Fears out of my skull. They had already scored some hits back in the UK until they put out “Shout”, a song that blew them up here in the states and is still going strong on radio stations today. Of course, that song was followed by the just as popular, “Everybody Wants to Rule the World”.  However, these aren’t the only two tracks Tears for Fears had that are worthy of a listen. “Break It Down Again”, “Head Over Heels”, and “Woman In Chains” were also pretty big hits you may not have heard. Check them out. Oh, and if you think I’m lame for liking this group, I’m guilty. But saying I didn’t would be even lamer because I wouldn’t be telling the truth

FRAGGLE ROCK

With 96 episodes running from 1983-87, Fraggle Rock’s show filled with creatures of another world singing and dancing to their own music. That it was created by none other than Jim Henson made it simply an HBO version of the Muppets with the same happy-go-lucky style of critter but with a rock and roll edge. The show was so centered around music that the theme song hit #55 on the U.K. Billboard Chart. Yep, those furry Fraggles really got down.

MICRO MACHINES

What guy didn’t used to like Micro Machines? If you didn’t, then sit down or just turn around and walk away because there’s a screw loose in your head. These were perfect little miniature cars that you could just look at and gawk over. Kind of lame but for a little boy, it wasn’t so bad. In fact, it was awesome. The dude who talked super fast in the commercials was also a big plus to the whole Micro Machines cultures of the late 80’s and 90’s.

He just wants to sit next to you on the ride!

Recently the staff of Random Ramblings took a trip to Islands of Adventure and Universal Studios in Orlando, Fl.  This was the first trip we had taken to said parks, and we were not disappointed. However, there were a few things that we noticed a lot more in our old age

First, after about 4 or 5 hours we were worn out.  This made us remember when we wanted to get to the park right when it opened, and did not want to leave until it closed.  This energy also allowed us to play approximately 17 straight hours of neighborhood football before we were tired.  Now, we daydream about the park being outfitted with a moving sidewalk covering all of the ground.

Next, we don’t remember seeing random piles of corned beef on the ground. But that is exactly what we saw twice at Universal. Try as we might, we did not find a corned beef stand anywhere.  Was someone trying to get rid of corned beef evidence? Is there a new mental disorder where a person has a compulsion to leave meat products in public places? If so, how cool is that!

Now I know that parks have to have warnings on rides, in this era of lawsuits.  However, I still see leeway for potential problems.  While in line for the various lines, a recorded voice (or the ride attendant, in a spiel reminiscent of the Micro Machines guy) told all of us to not stand up on the ride, to keep our hands inside the car, and to stay inside the car.  They did not say I could not smuggle wildlife onto the ride, hurl pudding at other riders, or sing songs from the musical Annie while waiting in line.  I plan on doing all of these things during my next visit.

Finally, I really felt bad for the poor workers and their enforced performances.  I know they signed up for the job, but still…who couldn’t cringe a little when the girl at the Men in Black ride had to “lip sync” a message while 30 strangers gawked at her.  And she probably had to do this, oh, 50+ times during her shift.  On the Jaws ride, it was an extended performance, but at least she had something to react to (nothing like practicing drama with multiple work out mechanical sharks).  Either way, it must be a soul sucking job.  

Even with all of these observations, I still enjoy theme parks.  I like the larger than life aspect they present. I like my stomach going in my throat on the tallest hill on a roller coaster.  I like the piles of meat in the street. If Hormel ever opens Frankenstuff land, consider me there.

deciding what i would do for a “klondike bar” is the least of my worries right now.

don’t mourn the fallen soldier.
mourn the oil they were unable to return home with.

not all banjo players look like that.

“wolfman’s got nards.”

whatever happened to “stretch armstrong?”

it should’ve been dave grohl.
not kurt.
we wouldn’t have to put up with the predictable “foo fighters.”
though, we’d lose out on some insane percussion…
e.g. “songs for the deaf.”

michael bay has far too few defensive wounds.

hey, ms. proactiv…who’s the fucking stalker now?

i never lift the seat.
just wipe up when i’m through.

kevin smith is easily one of the worst directors of all time.
but the dude sure can write genius dialogue.

why register to vote when you don’t want either candidate to win?

“soylent green” was people.
“going green” is feeble.
the damage has already been done.
it’s like apologizing after murder.

i’m a walking “spoiler alert.”

flat chested girls require that much more personality.

none of my proceeds will ever go to charity.

i swallow.

my two biggest pet peeves:
1. employees at jobs saying, “sorry about that” after they’ve fucked something up.
2. when teenagers say, “i’m more mature than most people my age.”  lol you’re not…so shut your cocksucker.

one of her nieces looks like an elephant.

“world of warcraft” is for faggots.

all pussies taste and smell the same (unless they are in need of a douche).
you are essentially just fucking them based on their face.

“these are just a few of my favorite things.”
when are we getting the whole list?

posters of corey haim used to hang on bedroom walls.

i’ve never once stuffed my bra.

two. to. too.
they’re. their. there.
learn. proper. english. you. fools.

“if it’s not made by micro machines, it’s not the real thing.”
well, fuck…

i claim to dislike reality television shows.
but i sure do watch the fuck out of them.

zoos are no fun.
unless you break every rule that the signs say not to.

i wonder if skee-lo ever had his dream of being a “baller” realized.

would anyone even miss amy winehouse?
really, you give a crackwhore a record deal.
that’s about as intelligent as inviting an aids patient to a party at the playboy mansion.

i shart quite often, actually.
i’ve yet to really get down the warning signs.

you’ll most likely regret all of those stupid tattoos.

i’m currently holding pocket aces.
naw, i’m just bluffing.
or am i?

my poetry makes sense to me.
in the end…that’s all that matters.

my credit is so far gone that i now get off on seeing just how much worse i can make it.

i get erections at the most inconvenient times.
and can rarely hold one when i really need to.

eating “bomb pops” is about as patriotic as i get.

“plain white t’s” & “fall out boy” are fucking horrible.
there, i’ve said it.

the casualties in iraq & afghanistan…
better them than me.

i have “america’s most wanted’s” phone number in my cell.
just in case i recognize that tattoo.

george harrison was my favorite (and most talented) “beatle.”

size only matters if you give a shit what she thinks.

“gay” still means happy.

this one time at fat camp…
i shoved a cheeseburger in my pussy.

as for tommy lee…

i refuse to be intimidated by anyone that was in or associated with “methods of mayhem”  lol

i agree…
it’s a dish best served cold.
and this plate is beginning to freeze in my hands.
“Les liaisons dangereuses”

i’m convinced that rob zombie can’t do a single thing well.

once i cooked a pot pie without a slit in the top.
it was the day i stopped being a boy…and became a man…ish.

“Ouija” boards are sold by “Parker Brothers”
what other convincing do you need?

is there a difference between “why” & “how come?”

ice-t was right: soulja boy can eat a dick.

for all you people that put “Niger” as your country on here to make yourselves look cool…the word you’re looking for is, “nigger.”  this just, once again, shows your ignorance.  it makes you look like a fool and i’d love to see you people say that out in public.  see how cool you look then.
same goes for, “Oman,” “Yeman” & “Togo.”

i jerked off in the theater to “Casper” when i was 13.
christina had just started getting boobs.
it was a good day.

mohawks don’t make you look cool.

i look down on asians…
but thank them for “playstation.”

i’m the only member of my immediate and extended family that doesn’t currently wear or need glasses.

i only wash my hands after i shit.

i eat meat.

i’m a sore loser.
and winner for that matter.

why are there brass knuckles all over the fucking place on this site?
this too makes you look like a moron when you have a picture of them as your layout.
or wearing a necklace made of one.
i guarantee that 90% of the people that have layouts like that don’t even fucking own a pair of brass knuckles.

kat von d is cool?
how, exactly?
i’m sure you probably couldn’t even tell me.

even though i love the u.s. version,
the original bbc series, “the office” is far superior…
gervais & merchant were able to capture in 12 episodes & 1 xmas special what the u.s. version has taken 5 seasons (going on its 5th) to accomplish: a masterpiece in the medium of television.
just more proof that atheists (ricky gervais in this case) are geniuses…

jason has not pointed at a stereo in 3 days.
give him his token for this week.

i have a remarkably low amount of feelings.
but i hide it well.

i’m attracted to selena gomez
and i’m not afraid to admit it.

if i were gay, i would sit and spin with three:
james franco, giovanni ribisi & martin freeman.

sometimes when i’m fresh out of the shower…
i will give myself a “mangina”
just because…

i’ll never try to hide the fact that i’m a pervert.

if milk “does a body good.”
why are cows so fucking fat?

i’ll let someone else be the “hero.”
i’m content with being a lazy, selfish prick.

i don’t watch MTV.
therefore, i’m better than you.

i don’t sit on a toilet seat when i shit.

i’ve never had a finger up my ass.
but what harm could it do, really?

my daughters have the same ridiculously long toes and fingers.
sorry, girls…

i don’t have tila tequila on my friends list.
i laugh at the fact that you do.
she’s a talentless asian chick that shows her tits for cash.
you can find just as much “talent” on a balcony in mardi gras.

i only recently learned how to fix scrambled eggs.
seriously.

andré 3000 is a genius.
big boi…is just a mediocre sidekick at best.

greg oden.
this coming season.
finally.

i’d put money on miley cyrus being transgendered.
just listen to her voice.
it’s deeper than mine.

i’m slightly attracted to brian williams.

open a book sometime, you fucking zero.
you can act like you’re more intelligent than me when you finally do.

“angel soft” toilet paper is anything but.

i only wash clothes in cold water.

it’s my life.
so the world actually does revolve around me.

if there were such a place as the fictionalized, “heaven.”
do you really think small, teenie tiny, copper objects like pennies would really be able to make it down here at such a speed and distance without being distorted in some way?
alas, there are no “pennies from heaven.”

i’m just now beginning to feel the effects of all that glue i ate in elementary school.

ozzy osbourne is to “prince of darkness”
as jeffrey dahmer is to vegetarian.

in my opinion it’s only illegal if you “finish.”

“Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity.” – t.s. eliot

i’ve had better.

“soap on a rope” does not guarantee your safety.

i really need to stop dropping toothpicks around autistic people.
but…i…just…can’t

Two teensy-weensy young women were killed early this morning in a Micro Machines car crash at the corner of Miniscule Boulevard and 0.000025th Street in downtown Richmond, police said.

The 5:30 a.m. accident in the city’s historic Tiny Church Hill neighborhood occurred after a 2-millimeter tall woman’s 1:130th-scale Acura NSX ran a red light, striking the other young, microscopic woman’s Pontiac Fiero.

Police said a little bit of itsy-bitsy alcohol was not a factor, and the pint-sized victim’s names were being withheld until their adorable, itty-bitty kin had been notified.

However, NBC12 reported this morning that area drivers of Micro Machines should avoid the downtown minintersection, saying delays are being caused by “‘yea big’ rubberneckers.”