zombie, zombi [ˈzɒmbɪ] n pl -bies, -bis

1. a person who is or appears to be lifeless, apathetic, or totally lacking in independent judgment; automaton
2. corpse brought to life through a supernatural spirit

Modern society is all about the chase. There is always somewhere else we are supposed to be, someone else we should see, something else that we need, and somehow someway we will be happy…after we perfect the present.

We walk through life looking straight ahead, our feet hardly touching the ground as we race towards where we think happiness is. Every time we think we have arrived, we don’t even have time to disembark before we decide happiness isn’t here after all.

We spend more time living in our heads, than living; more time talking to ourselves than to our loved ones; more time lost in our past memories and worrying about the unpainted future, than spending time with what exists right here and now.

The more we are trapped by our thoughts and feelings, stuck in our obsession with the past and future, the more we become automatons moving apathetically through life without fully experiencing – or enjoying – it.

To illustrate, we have a real-life illustration of how a Zombie is brought back to life, but not in any creepy way.

In the life of a Zombie on a regular Monday Morning

6.30am – alarm clock goes off – ring! Ring!! ring!!!

6.31am – arm stretches out and hits “off”. Curls back into warm soft covers.

7.00am – eye peeps open. Squints. Clock’s little hand at 7 and big hand stretched to 12. Takes a whole minute to register. 7am! Body jolts into action. I thought I set my alarm for 6.30! Didn’t even have any recollection of turning the alarm off!

7.05am – Scramble out of bed into the bathroom. Toothbrush in my right hand, toothpaste in my left. Brush brush brush – left to right. Now what should I wear today? Brush brush – Have to take the blue folder today for my presentation. Floss floss – in and out. What excuse do I have for being late today? Rinse rinse. Do I have time for breakkie?

7.15am – mmm toast. Don’t forget to take the blue folder. Munch munch. I wonder what’s in the news today? “Oh hey mum”. Drive by shooting last night. “Huh? Yeah don’t worry mum; I’ll write those Christmas cards tonight.” Interest rates rising. “Yes I’ll come home early.” How to make the most of what you have. “Mum, I gotta go.”

7.30am – Pants or skirt? Frills or pleats? Which top matches? Which earrings? Which shoes? Which bag? This one’s such a nice bag, and got it at a good price too. Must go back to that shop again.

7.40am – Walk out front door. I should have bought that other green bag too. Maybe could’ve bargained a two for one deal.

7.41am – Get into car and drive off with a screech. But green’s really hard to match with clothes. Good thing I didn’t get it after all.

7.50am – Been driving in stressful haste in my race against time. Groan. I forgot the blue folder!

Breathing life into a Zombie

After weeks of regular mindfulness training and meditation, the life of our Zombie has changed dramatically, including her Monday Morning.

6.25am – mind awakens the body. Mind scans the body position, feeling the comfort of its limbs upon the bed, the warmth of the body and the peaceful regularity of the breath. A gentle smile naturally appears as the mind finds its reconnection with the life again.

6.30am – alarm clock goes off once, and it’s turned off.

6.31am – sit up in bed. Eyes softly closed as the mind settles into present awareness of the inner and outer worlds.

6.45am – Eyes slowly open. The mind and body is fully awake and ready for the new day.

6.46am – Greet mum and dad a good morning. “I’ve already done the Christmas cards. And mum, I’ll be home early so we can get to the restaurant on time.”

6.50am – Will brush from right to left today. Breaking the habit, I’m conscious of how different it feels. We are such creatures of habit. Brush, rinse, floss.

7.00am – Smell of toast and eggs is enough to trigger my salivation. Taste of the toast is a soft texture on top from the eggs and crunchy on the bottom. Tomato is juicy and the light pepper sprinkled on top adds that extra flavour. Yum!

7.15am – Dressed. Grab my bag and blue folder.

7.25am – “Bye mum! I’ll call you if I run late. See you tonight. Enjoy your day!” Stroll out front door.

7.26am – Get into car and drive off into a whole new day.

***

Life is to be lived and experienced in its true essence. Happiness doesn’t exist in the next moment, but right now in the joy of contentment. To embrace life as it is, it’s important to stay in the present moment so you can be aware of all that’s going on internally and externally, so as to make the most of the experience. Be with the person who is with you right now (including yourself), and take the time to just appreciate the “little things” as life is only made up of “little things”. Even if you are going through difficult times, or with a difficult person, don’t try to escape as the problem won’t go away. Stay with it as it is through these difficulties that you gain strength and insight from overcoming troubles. Always remember it’s not only about how you deal with life’s problems, it’s what relationship you have with these problems.

With mindfulness you can live in the here and now, with complete awareness of what does on within and without. With mindfulness you can truly appreciate every facet of life. With mindfulness, you can cure the Zombie curse.

[Pending publication in Sacca Magazine Summer 2009 edition]

Below is a simple ACT-based Grid that we use in ASPIRE to help show how our behavior effects our lives. I find it a very useful tool that helps me determine where I’m at and how best to proceed.

Central to everything else is ‘Behaviour’, which is influenced by the present situation and thought processes. I can either act in a way that leads me closer to my values, or that leads me back into more suffering.

To help illustrate how the grid works, I’ll use an example everyone in recovery will be familiar with, ie. sleep problems.

The reason I can’t sleep is perhaps because my mind is too busy, or maybe because, I’m withdrawing. Whatever the reason, the action I choose to take will have it’s consequences. As someone accustomed to using drugs, the most obvious solution would be to pop a pill. That would undoubtedly resolve the issue, almost instantaneously, but what are the long-term consequences?

Sleeping tablets are a quick fix, and would only exacerbate my predicament in the long-term. I may become dependent on them and the longer I use them the worse my situation becomes. I must tackle the real, underlying issues of anxiety or addiction if I want to ease my suffering. Other solutions may not be as immediate, but, will prove more effective in the long-term.

One of my core values is my physical and mental health and I have learned to accept that some nights I sleep better than others. I also find yoga/mindfulness exercises valuable and I talk, openly to understanding family and friends. I am aware how easily I could slip back into old habits though, and whenever I feel uncertain I use the grid to help me decide the best course of action.

The connection we make with others, both superficial and profound, most often begins with the spoken word. We use words to convey what we think, and we use words to express how we feel. When we are trying to deepen our connections or resovle differences we typically use the power of the spoken or written word. More often than not what we say and how we say it determines the quality of any relationship.

If there is one thing that any one of us could do that would automatically improve the quality of our relationships, it would be to become more conscious of what we say and how we say it. All of our relatiosnhips would be changed and transformed when we change and transform ourselves.

An important reason for staying conscious in our speech is to avoid later regrets. We can use words skilfully or unconsciously. We can use words to heal or to hurt. Our words can help us fulfill our highest intentions. I think it would really help all of us if, before we speak, we could stop just for a momment to make certain that what we are about to say accurately reflects our hearts intentions.

There is nothing more frustrating to me than having a conversation with someone and having to explain over and over how I feel. When you speak from your heart that is your truth. When the reciever does not listen, does not validate you well then that person is not worthly of your truth or your words. Easier said than done, but that is a change that I have promised myself to keep. No more waisting my energy and time on these people.

Peace and love…

Today is my birthday. It’s also the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. Besides being my birthday which is an important event in my life I share this wonderful Marian feast. I don’t talk about her much, but Mary holds a special part in heart and it’s because of this feast I guess. My mother is the best model of Mary I have. Mom loves me more than anything else. She gave me life and on this day 57 years ago welcomed me into the world, her first born.

Mom made sure that I had a proper up-bringing and that included 9 years of Catholic primary school and a couple of years of Catholic high school. I don’t mean to imply that if you didn’t go to Catholic schools that you are somehow stunted because nothing could be further from the truth. But, giving her son those same chances she enjoyed and more were what was important in Mom’s life. Her devotion to Our Lady permeates her life and it touched mine too. Mary occupied an esteemed place in St. Francis of Assisi’s life too as the mother of Jesus. This prayer attributed to Francis bears that out.

Hail, holy Lady, most holy Queen,
Mary, Mother of God, ever Virgin.
You were chosen by the Most High Father in heaven,
consecrated by Him, with His most Holy Beloved Son and the Holy Spirit, the Comforter.

On you descended and still remains all the fullness of grace and every good.
Hail, His Palace.
Hail His Tabernacle.
Hail His Robe.
Hail His Handmaid.
Hail, His Mother.
and Hail, all holy Virtues, who, by grace and inspiration of the Holy Spirit, are poured into the hearts of the faithful so that from their faithless state, they may be made faithful servants of God through you.

Deo Gratias for 57 years of wonderful life and praise to the Holy Queen of Heaven.

You need to make a commitment, and once you make it, then life will give you some answers.

It’s never too late to be what you might have been.
- George Elliot

Lately I have been doing a lot of self reflecting, and meditating. Self reflection helps us heal our lives. The first step in any process of change involves facing and accepting the problem that needs changing.

In doing this I have found that there is much that needs to be changed and I am happy that I have the power and the will to make these changes. More to come at a later date, until then peace and love….

Thomas Kelly, the Quaker mystic who wrote A Testament of Devotion is one of my favorite writers and this little book of his is a true gem. “A Testament” has been at my bed side for many years and I normally take it with me when I travel. It is one of those kind of books that repeatedly brings comfort, insight, and inspiration.

Like most Quakers, Kelly writes of a perfect balance between the mystical and the mundane; the silence and the social; the inner and outer aspects of the Christian walk of faith. From time to time I like to share a quotation from Kelly as I think more and more people should be exposed to his writing. I strongly recommend A Testament of Devotion. I have read it more times than I can count. I think I can safely say that this book, along with Watchman Nee’s A Normal Christian Life are two of the most influential books I have ever read and believe me when I say I have read more than my share.

The Inner Light, the Inward Christ, is no mere doctrine, belonging peculiarly to a small religious fellowship, to be accepted or rejected as a mere belief. It is the living Center of Reference for all Christian souls and Christian groups – yes, and of non-Christian groups as well – who seriously mean to dwell in the secret place of the Most High. He is the center and source of action, not the end-point of thought. He is the locus of commitment, not a problem for debate. Practice comes first in religion, not theory or dogma. And Christian practice is not exhausted in outward deeds. These are the fruits, not the roots. A practicing Christian must above all be one who practices the perpetual return of the soul into the inner sanctuary, who brings the world into its Light and rejudges it, who brings the Light into the world with all its turmoil and its fitfulness and recreates it (after the pattern seen on the Mount).

Thomas Kelly

(from A Testament of Devotion)

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dark winter sea
the lonely ringing
of a buoy

a man & woman
at a stoplight
future lovers

Zen Teacher Darlene Cohen is a true dharma warrior. Faced with the pain of crippling rheumatoid arthritis, she has used this very pain to go deeper in the dharma and find a way through the suffering. I deeply admire her courage and her bodhisattva heart, which impel her to share what she has learned with others.
As she says at her website:

My purpose in establishing this website is to encourage and inspire people living with chronic pain or crushing stress to learn the skills necessary for dealing with these often catastrophic situations. Even if you are taking medication, seeing a physician regularly or already have established a formal meditation practice, I believe it is in your daily life and everyday activities that you will find the antidote to your distress.

I’ve personally been greatly helped by Darlene Cohen’s books and teaching. It’s so very hard to go into the pain and see what happens to it when held in mindfulness and compassion. We all want to run away, to hide, and yet with chronic pain, there is no place to run. Worse, yet, trying to escape, we only go deeper into suffering. We actually block ourselves off from the very mindfulness and loving-kindness that can heal our suffering. We blind and numb ourselves to the presence of what is in fact good in our lives—the happiness, goodness, and joy that are available right in the midst of our suffering.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in Buddhism is this: The only way out is through. That’s the hard lesson when there’s nothing we can humanly do about some physical pain or mental distress. Only be being with the pain, holding ourselves and this pain in our arms like a crying baby, can we begin to get healing. This embrace of what’s going on is not stoic endurance, gritting our teeth and suffering dumbly. Nor is it an escape to some nirvana of bliss, even though we do find shelter in metta practice and the genuine mindfulness of meditation.

Is being truly present in the midst of pain easy? Is it easy to find happiness, even pleasure, right in the midst of acute, chronic pain? No, it’s not! But it is doable. Listen to what this wise dharma teacher has to say about it. She’s been there; she is there. If you’ve been in despair over chronic pain, learn how even this despair can be skillfully used to open the door to freedom.

The Only Way I Know to Alleviate Suffering

Excerpted from Being Bodies essay by Darlene Cohen

Photo by Masha Oguinskaia

Self-healing is an area I’ve explored intensely because I have had rheumatoid arthritis, a very painful and crippling disease, for eighteen years. It began in my seventh year of zen practice, while I was living at Green Gulch Farm. . . . . .Because of my pain I lived in a world of continual intrusive sensation. It was very much in my self-interest to notice what circumstances increased or decreased my pain and then alter my pain level by manipulating those circumstances.

Before becoming so ill, I had trouble interrupting my discursive mind to make the observations necessary to begin a mindfulness practice. On a Sunday I would vow to notice all my postural changes, determined to say to myself when I went from sitting to standing to lying: ‘Now I’m standing.’ Now I’m lying.’ Then the next time I remembered, Thursday, say, I would suddenly cry, ‘Oh! I’m standing!’ After becoming ill, I was highly motivated to make these observations. Changing my posture was a dramatic event in my life. I needed to heed every little sensation in my legs and feet in order to go from sitting to standing. Getting out of my bed and Going to the bathroom took the same kind of focus and attention as going on safari.

Dealing with pain, step by step

I lived a half-block from the San Francisco Zen Center and used to try to go to dinner there once a week as a treat to myself. I would walk down the hill, which brought me to the bottom of a number of steps to the front door. Going up the steps would be the second leg of a laborious journey. Sometimes I would make it all the way to the steps and not be able to go up them. So I would have to strain all the way back up the hill to my apartment. I asked myself, what is it about my walking that is so tiring? What I called ‘walking’ was the part of the step when my foot met the sidewalk. From the point of view of the joints, that is the most stressful component of walking. The joints get a rest when the foot is in the air, just before it strikes the pavement. I found that by focussing on the foot that was in the air instead of the foot that was striking the pavement, my stamina increased enormously. After making this observation, I never again failed to climb the steps to knock on the front door of Zen Center.

Where is our focus?

I was struck that the focus of my attention could make that much difference in my physical ability. I began to search out the times my brain was clumping together many disparate motions into an idea which would prevent me from overcoming an obstacle, and then I concentrated on breaking down these aggregates of ideas into discrete units of smaller experience that I could master. Sick or well, we all do this all the time. We get into the idea of something, the clump, the heap, the pile, rather than the actual experience.

Someone says, ‘I can’t practice because I haven’t been to the zendo in three weeks’ instead of just going to the zendo when she can. When I haul out the carrots and the cutting-board during the arthritis workshops I give, everybody immediately groans: ‘I can’t cut carrots with my arthritic hands!’ But when you actually hold the knife in your hands, feeling its wooden handle and sharp, solid blade; and you touch the vulnerable flesh of the carrot on the cutting-board; your wrist goes up and down, up and down; and the orange cylinders of carrot begin to pile up on the board, you realize: ‘I can cut carrots.’ Tears come to people’s eyes.

. . . . .When Trungpa Rimpoche wrote in The Sacred Path of the Warrior that ‘the human potential for intelligence and dignity is attuned to experiencing the objects around us, the brilliance of the bright blue sky, the freshness of green fields, and the beauty of the trees and mountains,’ I think he was suggesting that our intelligence and dignity themselves are developed by our being alive for the mundane chaos of our lives. If we cultivate awareness of our actual experience, without reference to any preconceived idea, then we don’t prefer any particular state of mind. Intimacy with our activity and the objects around us connects us deeply to our lives.

Connecting to what is

This connection — to the earth, our bodies, our sense impressions, our creative energies, our feelings, to other people — is the only way I know of to alleviate suffering. To me our awareness of these things without preference is a meditation that synchronizes body and mind. This synchronization, the experience of deep integrity, of being all of a piece, is a very deep healing. It is unconventional to value such a subtle experience. It is not encouraged in our culture. We’re much more apt to strive to feel special, uniquely talented, particularly loved. It’s extraordinary to be willing to live an ordinary life, to be fully alive for the laundry, to be present for the dishes. We overlook these everyday connections to our lives, waiting for The Event.

A client of mine was very annoyed and scolded her husband for coming in and telling me a joke while I was massaging her at her house. When I asked her why she minded so much, she said to me, ‘He was using up my time with you.’ She was not in a state of mind that could be satisfied by simply listening to the sound of her husband’s voice as he told a joke, of feeling my fingers on her body, of sensing the animal presence of the three of us sharing the room. She didn’t even examine the starved, jealous mind that resented his brief interruption.

Perceiving the shadows

Paradoxically, noticing this kind of small-mindedness can actually add rich texture to the weave of your life. When you include the shadow in your perceptions, your conscious life begins to be shaded and textured by your anguish and your petty little snits. Sanitizing your thoughts and your preoccupations not only squanders vital energy that would be better spent in your creative endeavors, but your not-so-presentable life can be enormously enriching and provide the compost for the development of compassion

If you have never given into temptation of any kind, how can you ever understand — or embrace — the sinner? I pointed out some of these things to my client. When I next saw her she told me that after our session she had begun to be flooded with perceptions. She had noticed how much pain her tense relationship with her teenaged son was causing her. Being numb had enabled her to tolerate their friction, but now it was clear to her that she couldn’t live with those hard feelings. She had to engage him and discuss their problems.

Diving into the despair—what is this?

People sometimes ask me where my own healing energy comes from. How in the midst of this pain, this implacable slow crippling, can I encourage myself and other people? My answer is that my healing comes from my bitterness itself, my despair, my terror. It comes from the shadow. I dip down into that muck again and again and then am flooded with its healing energy. Despite the renewal and vitality it gives me to face my deepest fears, I don’t go willingly when they call. I’ve been around that wheel a million times: first I feel the despair, but I deny it for a few days; then its tugs become more insistent in proportion to my resistance; finally it overwhelms me and pulls me down, kicking and screaming all the way. It’s clear I am caught, so at last I give up to this reunion with the dark aspect of my adjustment to pain and loss. Immediately the release begins: first peace and then the flood of vitality and healing energy

I can never just give up to it when I first feel it stir. You’d think after a million times with a happy ending, I could give up right away and just say, ‘Take me, I’m yours,’ but I never can. I always resist. I guess that’s why it’s called despair. If you went willingly, it would be called something else, like purification or renewal or something hopeful. It’s staring defeat and annihilation in the face that’s so terrifying; I must resist until it overwhelms me. But I’ve come to trust it deeply. It’s enriched my life, informed my work, and taught me not to fear the dark.

It seems to me that when we fall ill, we have an opportunity we may not have noticed when we were well, to literally in-corp-orate the wisdom of the Buddhas, and to present it as our own body.

You can find many wonderful resources at Darlene Cohen’s website:

http://www.darlenecohen.net/

late for work
leaving the heat of her body
the crunch of snow

early morning breast feeding
mother and child fallen asleep
heavy snowfall

the old man
shoveling snow
black bird on a wire

 

Think of every night
going to bed

as entering
your coffin

every night

a chance
to practice

dying.

© 2008 Seido Ray Ronci. The skeleton of the crow. Keene, NY: Ausuble Press, p. 172. image: hmv12321.tripod.com

Poinsettia lights

In keeping with my commitment to holiday cheer I bring you the Legend of the Poinsettia. But just as an aside – there is nothing wrong with a bouquet of roadside flowers – we won’t use the word weeds!

A charming story is told of Pepita, a poor Mexican girl who had no gift to present the Christ Child at Christmas Eve Services. As Pepita walked slowly to the chapel with her cousin Pedro, her heart was filled with sadness rather than joy.

Today, the common name for this plant is the poinsettia!

When I first heard this song, I was not immediately drawn to it.  For starters, it has a very slow intro and secondly, I could not understand what she was trying to say (which for me is crucial). 

So I called my genius pal who happens to be an english major and fellow poetry geek and we deciphered the lyrics together.  I had already researched her references in the song to various rivers (Caledonia and Waterloo) and bodies of water (Minnesotan lakes) but was confused with her underlying message.  After much discussion, we concluded that the song is about a woman who has given  herself away to a greedy man who for either reasons of selfishness or just plain ignorance, has ended the relationship.  In the end, she find herself empty.

I started to think of all of the failed relationships that i’ve had where I had given myself away only to get nothing in return.  It’s such a common occurence too: boy meets girl, boy woos girl, girl falls in love, girl thinks boy is in love too, girl gives boy everything, boy takes and says, thanks for playing, please deposit 25 cents to continue playing, girl is empty, boy says goodbye.  Why?  Why can’t we recognize the signs of a greedy person who is going to use us and “drink us dry”?  Do we learn from our mistakes?  Hopefully we do and this song is a great reminder of what can happen to us if we continue to give ourselves away.

Listen to “Dark as the Black” on lala

Lyrics:

There’s a crack in the ground from Waterloo,
All the way to Arizona
I can see form the fire escape outside
That helped me get to know you

What was it like,
When I was in your life?
Did my touch feel the same?
As your touch it felt so good to me,
It felt so good to me

Chorus:

One world, One love,
means nothing if you’re just pretending
One World, One Love,
There’s nothing to good intentions
Dark as the black in the cracks in the ground.

There’s a crack in the ground from Tennessee
All the way to Caledonia
I can tell by the way the silence rings
and echoes in the corners.

How many times you wanted to cry
but you kept it inside
Now the silence echoes deafening,
It’s much too loud for me.

Chorus

There’s a crack in the ground from old New York,
all the way to Minnesota
I can see the way ten thousand lakes
are screaming for more water

Give us some hope
we haven’t got enough
to keep ourselves filled up
when you drink us empty, drunk us dry,
then ask us why we’re dry

One world, One love,
means nothing if you’re just pretending
One World, One Love,
There’s nothing to good intentions
One world, One love,
means nothing if you’re just pretending
To do your part,
There’s nothing to good intentions.

Dark as the black, in the cracks in the ground
Dark as the black, in the cracks in the,
Dark as the black, in the cracks in the ground.

Back in the 1920’s Dr. William Marston had a theory that there are 4 personality types (Dominant, Influencer, Steady, Compliant) and over the years this has evolved.  Recently, profiling using birds  (Dr. Gary Couture) has become popular because it is easier for people to identify with birds than abstract concepts:

Dove - The compassionate and peaceful dove. The dove is people-orientated, loyal, friendly hard-working and a great team player but tends to avoid change, confrontation, risk taking and assertiveness.

Owl – The wise owl. The owl is logical, mathematically minded, methodical and sometimes seen as a perfectionist. The owl can be slow to make decisions and inflexible if rules and logic says otherwise. Owls are not big risk takers but love detail.

Peacock – The showy peacock. The peacock loves talking, being the centre of attention, has passion/ enthusiasm and is happy/ optimistic. Peacocks can be accused of talking too much, and aren’t good with detail or time-control.

Eagle – The bold eagle. Eagles are dominant, stimulated by challenge, decisive and direct. Eagles can be blunt/ stubborn, can lose sight of the big-picture and can be insensitive to other people’s needs. Eagles are natural achievers.

In an effort to discover my “true self” and ultimately be able to identify my strengths and weaknesses, i decided to take the test. 

My score (in order of highest score) – Eagle: 12, Owl: 6, Dove: 6 & Peacock: 4

Really?  hmm.  I would have guessed that I am a peacock.  Maybe I don’t know myself at all.

So what does this mean for me?  The assessment is supposed to help us recognize our strengths as well as some areas in which we need improvement.  I know I could stand to be a little more compassionate and sympathetic of others and could use a little work in the peacock department in that i need to be more positive. 

But the real question is, why do we feel the need to be classified? It is not as if I am going to introduce myself as an eagle or even make reference to a bird when I meeting new folks.  I think the answer lies within the need for society to classify us.  It starts at home…everybody has a role in the family.  We all know the traditional stereotypes for the fam: Mom – homemaker, Dad - protector, 1st child - role model, 2nd child – brat, 3rd child – baby.  Then we step out into the big bad world to go to school and learn new classifications; from cheerleader to ugly betty to jock to geek, and the list goes on.  Once we enter the work force we are classified again; from boss to admin to management to accounting, each with their own stereotypes.  This trend of classification gives us a name and one that despite our lack of acceptance can be hard to shake.  By wearing these societal dog tags we can become susceptible to an identity crisis, anger and depression.

So how can we fight the good fight and be true to ourselves despite the stereotype war with society? Some rebel against society and find solace in angry music and dark clothing.  While there is motivation in rebellion, it can lead to feelings of rage.   But if we can learn to channel our rebellious energy in a positive manner and use it to focus on these traits with a passion to better ourselves, we can achieve great things.

 ”In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act.” – George Orwell

I personally don’t mind finding out that I am more of an eagle than a peacock and I support any effort and time we can put into getting to know ourselves.  Having said this, I believe if we limit ourselves to classifications, we also limit our possibilities and consequent happiness.  happy hunting.

I found myself missing my papi very much today, yet remembering a memory and smiling. With the smile came tears. I was remembering two weeks before my Papi died my mom, Jen, and I took him to Strong hospital which was to be his last appointment, we just did not know it.

When we were driving around the hospital my papi noticed a hot dog stand. He said on the way out if the vendor was still there could we please stop to get him a hot dog. We all said sure, we all could go for one too. It was a warm and suny day. My papi was happy that day, he was happy because he had made it to this appointment, he was happy to be alive.

So we entered the doctors office, and in a instant my life changed forever. I saw the x-rays of my papi’s lungs. There was no part of any of his lungs that were healthy. The doctor listened to his lungs, then I asked to listen to his lungs they sounded like leaves crunching under your feet. The doctor told us we needed to make him as comfortable as possible, and raise the oxygen when he needed it. We walked out of the office with a scrip for morphine. The walk back to the car was somber, yet my papi kept the mood positive. He talked about how finally the weather for his standards was perfect then out of no where he said are we still going to get some hot dogs ? We all began to laugh.

My papi was not scared, or angry, or even upset. He was maybe without knowing it being very mindful of that moment. He was happy because it was a beautiful day and he wanted a hot dog. We blocked traffic and we got him a hot dog, we joined him and ate one too.

Life is so much more enjoyable when you stop and appreciate the little things. My papi taught me that in the last months of his life. I learned to except things I can not change. I learned to be more mindful of moments that make me happy. I learned to put myself out there to people even if that means getting hurt. Life is beautiful.

While I find myself missing him, I also find myself appreciating every last lesson about life that he taught me.

Peace and love to all.

geese honking overhead
the last one
the loudest

scattered by a dog
a pile of wet leaves

dark winter sea
a lone boat
bobbing

I Don’t Know why we trust Reason over Intuition.

I do know, the view is greatest from the cloud of unknowing.

I am enjoying the sounds of morning silence.

What does the earnest meditator do when pain persists, walking becomes increasingly problematic, and he hasn’t peed for six days? What if the morphine-based meds don’t bring the relief he’d hoped for and he realizes that–without a shepherding GP–he’ll have to take charge of his own health care? Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn and colleagues at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center have developed and tested a form of mindfulness meditation that helps patients face pain and illness by arousing the wisdom of their bodies. 

Healing is truly a journey. The road has its ups and downs. … The most important thing is to believe in your own ability to persevere through the many ups and downs and to not lose sight of your wholeness … (p. 303).

A tiny insight and a confession: I continue to rely on relief as coming from outside: from the next physio treatment perhaps, a stronger pill, or the awakening from what have been a bad dream. In essence, I/me remain a passive recipient–a victim–of pain, believing that something or someone will come to my rescue and make it all better. The small self calls for mummy (or god) to make it all better and for the doctor to reach a little deeper in her magic medicine bag. 

To cultivate meditative awareness requires an entirely new way of looking at the process of learning. Since thinking that we know what we need and where we want to get [to] are so ingrained in  our minds, we can easily get caught up in trying to control things to make them turn out “our way,” the way we want them to. But this attitude is antithetical to the work of awareness and healing. … Healing requires receptivity and acceptance, a tuning to connectiveness and wholeness (p. 31).

source: Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full catastrophe living: using the wisdom of your body and mind to face stress, pain, and illnss. New York: Delta Books.