Typical lawyer commercial formula options:

Option 1:

One or more of firms partners sit on edge of conference table and stare slightly off camera and read from a cue card that they are ready to fight for your rights, that they get tons of $ for their clients, and that “you don’t pay unless we get win $ for you.” Most of the time, it looks like the guy has to poop.

Option 2:

The Testimonial: victims of car crash victims, injured workers, and various felons sit with their backs to the camera or in the dark and explain how XYZ law firm got them out of their jam. Most of them look like someone we went to high school with.

But today, is a brighter day in local law firm advertising. Sieben, Grose, Von Holtum & Carey have departed, at least temporarily, from the norm of bad lawyer TV commercials and set the bar higher. Nice use of video and animation. Lets see if they keep it up. You can view them here.

Lots of speculation has been circulating about what the new Minnesota Twins ballpark set to open in 2010 will be called. New stadiums provide a great branding opportunity for corporations looking to tie themselves in to the fabric of a city and their passion for sports. The new Twins ballpark will have a corporate name attached to it, but who should it be?  A Twin Cities blogger apparently uncovered the urls landolakespark.com and landolakesfield.com are owned by the Twins, Fox 9 News reported. Others said to be in the running include Allianz and Great River Energy. What Minnesota companies would you like to see?

A 25-year-old University of Minnesota grad Adam Bahner, better known as “Tay Zonday” climbed the YouTube charts in 2007 and is now being acknowledged for it. Zonday is one of 12 winners of the second annual YouTube Video Awards, recognizing the top user-created videos of 2007. His song and music video “Chocolate Rain” has been viewed over 15 million times. Zonday recorded the video in his Minneapolis living room in a make-shift studio space made of two-by-fours and bed sheets.

If your band’s best gig in the past year was at 11:45 p.m. on a Wednesday at O’Gara’s Garage and you really think that your cover of “Jessie’s Girl” sounds “just like the original,” then you already know you are a no talent ass clown and should just unplug everything.

Being in a band is tough. Marketing a band is even harder (at least it was before YouTube and MySpace). But most bands don’t consider the ramifications of their name. A bad name will sink a band. Would you ask your friends to go see The Asbestos Tampons? Do you want your girlfriend to say she’s dating the lead singer of SuperHeavyGoatAss?  

Here are some basic rules for creating a band name:

1.) Don’t put the word “Funk” anywhere in the name. You aren’t “funky” despite what that 44-year-old cougar drunk dancing in front of your monitor says.

2.) Don’t use your real name unless you are freakishly good (i.e. Hendrix, Dylan, etc.). We already know you have lead singer disease; we don’t need to know what it’s called. It’s probably not a cool name anyway (ahem… Tim Mahoney). Try modesty. People like that.

3.) Don’t put a number in your band name unless you think 3 Doors Down rocks. It worked for 311, Matchbox 20, 3^rd Eye Blind, etc. but they are the exception. Numbers are retarded. Don’t do it.

4.) Don’t try to be clever and do a play on words. Examples of this unoriginal douschebaggery include, Statutory Grape, Chevy Metal, and Clusterfunk  (they get a double word score on ass Scrabble).

So you get the idea. A list of the worst real band names of all time was published by the Onion A.V. Club. Check it out.

Share with us some bad Minnesota band names. Got a rule for naming a band? Let’s hear that too.

Ok, so Target has been called out by angry customers and bloggers for having a Facebook page that encourages its group members (called Rounders) to post good things about Target and Target products but to make their affiliation with the Facebook group a “secret.” The Minneapolis StarTribune has reported on how this was done. Basically, college students are given some free swag to say good things about Target online. It’s called a brand ambassador program, and they are almost always bullshit. The problem with them is this: It’s fake and manufactured buzz. The first problem is relying on students to actually do what you say. Good luck with that. The second issue is that students will destroy your brand if you are not being honest and genuine with them. Real, genuine buzz or word-of-mouth will come on its own by being true to your brand, true to your customers, and actually doing something innovative that will move the needle. Paying people with free stuff to say good things about you isn’t genuine or good for your brand image. It’s just plain lazy. Kinda like buying ads on Facebook when you need to come up with a real back-to-school strategy. Facebook ads are what a brand does when it has no original ideas and is simply following the masses because “that’s where the students are”. Target doesn’t need to do this and can stand on its own with college students. That’s what’s sad here. The upside is that when Target realizes that brand ambassador programs are typically crap and that Facebook advertising is a colossal waste of a college marketing budget, they will move on, and people will forget they ever tried.

Big box electronic retailer Best Buy needs a smack upside the head and possibly more. The Consumerist reported this story (click link for full story and addtl images) in detail this week shedding light on this poor guy’s misfortune while trying to buy a Western Digital hard drive. What happened? He brought it home only to find it was really a box full of tile. Best Buy’s remedy to the situation? Send him home without a refund. Ouch!  Western Digital or Best Buy better step to the plate and make this right or Christmas sales are gonna take a hit.  I’ve heard of this happening before. Anyone else experience something like this?

Through blood, lots of sweat apparently (see picture), and tears, Dick Enrico has punished the competition in the world of fitness gear. He’s used a strategy not so different from other brands in the past: being in front of everyone and creating a memorable company image by casting himself in his commercials. Sure, he may look like the love child of Ron Jeremy and Gaucho Marx, but you have to admit, he’s memorable. And who do you think of when you are considering a new treadmill or weight bench? Steady television spots, bathroom advertising, and bobbleheads are an equation that made 2nd Wind Exercise Equipment roughly $80 million in sales last year. His strategy, outlined here, is simple: Be somewhere everyone goes … Restrooms. We all have to drop the Cosby Kids off at the public pool once in awhile, and while your pushing, he’ll be there pushing you to buy a weight bench. Image above is from the 2007 Minnesota State Fair, where Dick was working his magic on the fair-goers who were loaded with calories. Do you have your Dick Enrico Bobblehead yet? Click here.

During a late-September shopping trip to Target for Halloween candy, I found something surprising …

Christmas decorations! Who in the world thought I would already need a light-up reindeer to put in my yard?  I simply find this disturbing. Just like nature, I need to go through a natural progression of the seasons. Halloween tells me it’s fall, Thanksgiving tells me the snow is coming, and Christmas means I have a few days left before hibernation. I don’t want to experience holly-jolly ho-ho-ho before I have even carved a pumpkin.

Isn’t this ruining it for the kids? How can they focus on picking out a Halloween costume when there are flocked trees and Christmas stockings in the next aisle? Who needs to be a ninja when Santa is apparently coming? Explain that one. Long gone are the days when it was taboo to put out the trees and ornaments before Thanksgiving, but is Christmas in July going to be the new normal?  

Weigh in: When do you think it is appropriate for retailers to parade out the Christmas decorations?

The Minnesota State Fair gives us a glimps of shameless marketing tactics at their finest. Stuff you couldn’t get away with anywhere else is accepted here. Bumper stickers, news anchors on-a-stick, and the shittyest chotchkeys the Renminbi can buy all permeate this annual event. I love it all…but maybe the grease is affecting my judgment.  

One new item at this year’s fair caught my attention, however – SPAM Curds. This wonderful Minnesota brand has a great history. See: The SPAM Museum,the SPAM Mobile, and the SPAM Cookbook After experiencing the SPAM Curds some at the Great Minnesota get-together, I am convinced the folks at Hormel are working with the Pentagon to create a new form of food warfare. I’m talking about explosive diarrhea, folks. You’ve been warned. Nice product line extension though, even if it is used in future wars. BTW, people in Hawaii love SPAM and call it “Soul Food.” Did anyone else get to have the “full” Spam experience?

Near 50th and France Ave., there is a lemonade stand that is giving away free lessons in marketing. Twelve-year-old Ethan Esparza has been in buisness for nearly five years now (most new businesses make it that long) and has grown it on a solid foundation of simple, yet sound, marketing principles: dress for success, location-location-location, good product, simple pricing, and a genuine care for his customers. It’s worked so well that some people simply just give him money for being nice. This tells me that customers these days are desperate to be treated well.In the past four summers, this little lemonade slinger has raked in nearly $3000. Not bad for a one-man shop selling a beverage for 25 cents. Keep an eye on this one. We may see him on the cover of Forbes one day. He already has plans for a cafe and a line of kid-friendly cleaning supplies. Check out his webpage to request an autographed picture and get a copy of his first book, “Money from Lemons.” This story was also recently featured on Kare 11 (NBC affiliate). Check out the video here. 

Ok, so they “relocated” a bunch a bunch of Richfield residents and imminent domained the Walser Group’s ass, but Best Buy is doing something good for the community and for our basements. Their annual electronics recycling event is next Friday (6/22) and Saturday (6/23) at its corporate headquarters. Get all the details here.

I think it’s great that they are doing it, I just wish they didn’t charge us to drop stuff off.

In other Best Buy news, BBDO in New York has been awarded advertising duties. Media spending could be between $170 million and $200 million. View the story here.

The City Council in
Minnetonka, MN, will approve a Clear Channel settlement about a billboard issue that no one really cares about but Clear Channel and
Minnetonka. The ruling will allow Clear Channel to run its two-sided digital billboards 24 hours a day and switch their messages every eight seconds. This is a victory for Clear Channel in a state where everything is against the law.
Minnetonka thinks the brightly lit signs will distract drivers and cheapen the look of their precious city. Aren’t the old, dilapidated wooden billboards with peeling graphics of Dick Enrico from 2nd Wind Exercise & Equipment already doing that? In any case, I’ll be sure to give the new digital boards a looksee when I’m driving while talking on my cell phone, eating a burger, and surfing the web.

On the good side: When you think of the U.S. Post Office, what are your thoughts? It is a massive operation (700,000) employees. Sure, the lines are long, the employees behind the counter are crabby, but the carriers? They do really take service to a new level. Maybe we just don’t see it. A company can learn a lot about customer service from these guys. For all the bad you hear about them, maybe it’s time you balance it out with some good. 

Check out this item from MentalFloss on how well the post office can be at taking care of us inept mail sender-outters. The comments and stories that follow are equally eye-opening. See the full “coin for stamp” experiment here.

On the bad side:

Lastly, and speaking of coins for stamps. The recent rate hike with the U.S Post Office has provided an opportunity to create a better customer experience while inside. I recently waited in line at my local Richfield, MN branch to mail a few packages. I waited for many moons as customer after customer bought 2 cent stamps while the vending machine dispenser out in the lobby remained unused and chalk full of regular stamps. Total combined sales of the 9 people in front of me was 52 cents. Total time to wait on 9 people was about 20 mins. How much salary was wasted taking care of those 9 people, or all the people last week that need 2 cent stamps? Ya think they could have stocked up the vending machine with 2 centers? This type of time wasting is what makes postal employees open fire and keeps us customers dreading a trip to the post office. More to come on the U.S. Post Office.

Opening day for the Minnesota Twins failed to disappoint. It’s a great time see the crowd play keep-away from the ushers with a beach ball, to eat hot dogs from water that isn’t old yet, and to watch dip shits like this one (click here) run out on the field and get rolled by security. Oh yeah, and some people actually go to watch the game.

Baseball season also provides us a glimpse of new marketing ideas and tactics. Dodge is once again putting a little money behind the 200-foot ad space in right field. So much so, that they must not have any money left to pay for decent copywriting. Check out this ad for the Nitro: “It’s a Hit!” C’mon! Is that the best they could come up with? Be careful using puns when writing ads. It’s just lazy. If you want to see some good advertising, check out these ads created by Periscope for the Minnesota Twins.

Ok, let me first start out by saying, “I agree.” With that being said, is this really the tagline you want for your company? The goal of copywriting is to engage people. This ad from The Crack Team in St. Paul, Minnesota, does that, but in a self-reflection sort of way. And second, your copy should help get people to pick up the phone and call you. I’m not sure if this copy works. But if you have crack issues, click here , or here, or www.thecrackteam.com and tell them you have a wet crack. I’d be curious to hear their response.

I think it’s great that McDonald’s has cool stuff for kids to play with so Mom and Dad can finish arguing about wallpaper. The ball crawl, the Hamburglar slide, yadda yadda. All good stuff. They know how to cater to the customer. But be careful when you provide things for customers to “express” themselves with (i.e., LEGOS). I recently patronized a McDonald’s in Richfield. I took my tray and found the only clean table in the lobby (the employees must have been on “break”). It happened to be across from one of those life-size plastic Ronald McDonald statues sitting on a bench. As I bit into my Big Mac, I couldn’t help but notice the giant LEGO boner some teenagers must have created and put in Roanld’s lap. I have to admit, it was pretty funny, but seriously McDonald’s, swing through the dining area once in a fricken’ blue moon to check current conditions.

This family-owned coffee shop has been in business since the 1970s and its success hasn’t come through sheer luck. With a 100 year old roaster in the front window, you can often find the owner Jim there roasting beans for his customers. They sell coffee and tea varieties from more than 65 countries, including Rwanda and the Galapagos. They have succeeded by being passionate about coffee. If you are looking for a selection of coffee you can brew yourself, look no further than Coffee & Tea Ltd. in SW Minneapolis.

If you are searching for an example of creating a remarkable small business USP, look no further than Fluffy’s litter box. If you are really having a tough morning, maybe you should pour yourself a cup of Kopi Luwak. It’s made from red beans that have been eaten and shit out by the Civet Cat from Indonesia. And while you might have to pay me to drink this stuff, Edina housewives are shelling out $420 per pound for this stuff at Coffee & Tea Ltd. Now that’s a USP!

Ok, so making the customer feel welcome is an integral part of any business, right? Well we all encounter bad service. Most of it probably isn’t intentional. But have you ever been straight up punked by an employee for no reason other than his own amusement? Me either, until a recent trip to the BP station near my house to get a pop and a Butterfinger. I’m standing at the counter ready to pay for my stuff when the jack-ass behind the counter points at my shirt with a terrifying look on his face. He says in a trembling voice, “ON YOUR SHIRT!!! ON YOUR SHIRT!!” Oh man, YOU GOT A BIG SPIDER ON YOU MAN!!!” At this point, I had nearly filled my drawers and began hopping around slapping my shirt and hair… This went on for what seemed to be an eternity, until I looked up and saw him laughing his ass off. Ok, so maybe he didn’t know that I have an almost clinical phobia of spiders, but seriously. If I could have reached through the security glass, I would have strangled him. If you see the surveillance video somewhere on the web, let me know… Thanks BP!