With only a few days to go before ‘C Day’, yesterday I had to pull the big guns out of my parental bag and threaten the ultimate in punishments. Cancelling Christmas. Or rather informing my daughter that if she didn’t quit with the naughty and start delivering more of the nice, then she’d be waking up to find a rather sad and empty stocking at the end of her bed.

This is obviously not something I’d ever want to do. It would ruin my day for a start – and then leave me with the problem of what to do with all those presents rattling around under our bed.

But the problem is, when you spend a large percentage of the year telling your child that Father Christmas only comes for those children who’ve been good, it does rather put you in a difficult dilemma when they then go and act like the devils spawn.

To be fair it’s not that she’s particularly naughty, as children go. She doesn’t have a criminal record or a HASBO to her name. She doesn’t even wander the streets with a penknife and a can of spray paint, mugging old ladies as she goes. No, her problem – along with every other 8-year-old in the world – is that she just doesn’t bloody listen. To me. Ever.

Everyday, or so it seems, I am met with the blank look, sulky pout or miserable face of a child who just doesn’t want to do what she’s just been asked. Which I could well understand if the asking in question was about  going outside to kill a chicken for dinner, or working down a coal mine to earn her keep. But it’s not. It’s more of an eat your dinner / brush your teeth / hurry up and get into the car sort of ask.

Of course I’m sure when I was her age I was probably a right royal pain in the backside at times. But that’s a while ago now, my memory is sketchy and that’s beside the point. As I keep saying to her, I really don’t understand how hard it can be to just go along with what I ask, listen from time-to-time, and use her ears more than her mouth.

So what’s a parent to do? Threaten the worst and then follow through? Or fill them with the fear of a present-less Christmas, and then relent at the end?

My husband could probably quite easily go through with the first option, and still sleep well at night. I, on the other hand, couldn’t. Christmas for me has always been about the stocking.

Nothing beats seeing the sheer excitement on my children’s faces as they attempt to haul their body weight in stuffed stockings across our bedroom floor. It’s the highlight of my day. Or rather my night, as this inevitably happens a mere 15 or so minutes after we’ve wrapped the assorted presents, deposited them at the end of the beds and finally gone to sleep ourselves.

So once again I have had to explain and outline to my daughter the terrible consequences that naughtiness can bring. This was followed up by returning the ‘missed call’ I’d received on my mobile from Santa. With my incredibly concerned child hovering in the next room, her ears wildly flapping like an African elephant, I apologised for her bad behaviour, promised she wouldn’t do it again and wished him a safe flight.

What I hadn’t taken into account in my oh so cunning plan, was the steam railway trip we had planned to take them on the very next day -  to see the very man himself. My poor daughter was so nervous about being told off she practically had to be shoved  past the overgrown elf and into the grotto.

Not only did this make me feel like total and utter crap, but as I had to hurriedly reassure her that she hadn’t been quite bad enough to get no presents at all, it also made the whole point of my exercise completely pointless. Marvellous.

11:02 P.M.

Sunday, Home.

I have this insane urge to just rip everything from its seams and drop it. I want to go somewhere, anywhere, with absolutely nothing and just get lost. I love the feeling of not knowing where I am and seeing things I’m unfamiliar with. I want to do this now, but everything here is so recognizable. I don’t know how much longer I can live in this town. Its times like these that I think it drives me crazy. Maybe I should just run away, without a word or a note, and come back whenever I feel the need. I should probably do this, but I don’t have the balls or the will. Plus, I can’t hurt my family like that, and so I wait. Wait for the time that will grant me the pleasure of an adventure. Let’s see what God has in store for me…

11:16 P.M.
Hey diary, you know what’s sad? I forgot today was Sunday. I’ve wanted to try and go to church but I never have the motivation whenever that time comes. I feel guilty for this, because I’m supposed to be this God loving kid. I was at one time, I think… A friend and I used to go to church all the time, and whenever she dropped her faith I kept going. I tried to go on Wednesdays, I loved to go, but then what happened? I haven’t gone since like May! I need inspiration when it comes to God, because I like to question everything. I need a preacher to pound his love into my head, because otherwise I’ll completely numb myself to it. I think that’s what I’ve done. I’m numb of His love, and so now I literally have to force myself to read the Bible. I’ve found myself making little excuses not to read it, but then when I don’t I lose it. I get so down and I feel a great void inside me. Right now I think this void is filled with shame. I’ve fallen from God’s grace and I’ve been rubbing my face in the dirt for months. I’ve had the chances to get back up… But you know what’s sick? I’ve purposely kept myself down. I’m sick in the head diary… I really am, because I like to feel numb. I want to feel loved and know of God, but at the same time I just want to sulk and escape the world in my own little hole.

Ahh, and this is where it gets really disgusting.

Let me point out that without God I wouldn’t be the same. My morals (by now) would have been already shot and hidden beneath the sand by now (or thrown in a rushing river…). I learned this whenever I started reading The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx. This book is supposed to make others feel ill and see the horrible things behind the addiction of drugs. It’s supposed to show the truth, and by doing that push others away from it. But you know what? It just makes me want to search for a dealer and shoot up myself. It makes me want to get addicted, push and disgust everyone around me, and just be alone with a needle hanging out of my skin. It makes me want to face death, and so either die or live past an overdose or two. I know this is stupidity marking its territory, and since I’m at least trying to be with God I would never do this. But it’s this adventure-craving trait inside of me that wants this, for sometimes I just want to go out and sin it up. I want to be sad; I want to be extremely depressed, because truthfully I love it. I don’t know if I’d rather be miserable or happy sometimes… I know that’s not normal. So I must assume that I’m not right in the head. After all, what kind of person wants to suffer? Especially by such a terrible thing as addiction.

December 21, 2009
2:19 A.M.

Monday, home.

Now that I read this I feel guilty. I have this ignorance in me and I melt it into the wrinkles of my brain. I should continue what I said, just to explain myself but I’m not. There are other things on my mind now. For instance, the pain and sufferings of others. What I wrote last night brought a pretty big break-through, and honestly I’m so glad. I don’t know what to think of it just yet, but I might not feel so isolated or cold anymore.

My sister keeps talking to the dog. It’s pretty annoying… I can’t seem to keep a straight thought going with her talking to Layla about everything. I’ll write more later. Maybe even in a few hours, seeing as how sleep is becoming my enemy.

Later…

P.S.
Haha, this shouldn’t be funny but Layla just pooped some runny crap and Shanna has to pick it up. She kept complaining and whining, but I wouldn’t help her. Hey, I don’t do poop. I’ll play with the puppy, but once it poops it’s yours. ;P Maybe if you had been a little more quiet I would have gotten off my butt. Oh well. At least I got a smile from it. The only downside is the smell…

I shouldn’t feel this is sad and emotional right now. I finally got through my final weeks of the semester and am confident that I did pretty well but so far the results are awful. Furthermore, I’m going to start working a few more hours, which will be a big help financially.

But two things are heavy on my mind, and right now – now when it’s quiet and everyone is asleep and I have a little while, my first while in three weeks, to think – it’s all just making me really sad and achy.

Mom started to get sick yesterday and woke up sicker this morning, and as the day’s progressed, I’ve seen her get sicker and quieter and more and more unlike herself.
These feelings grow more intense as night hits. I was up most of last night waiting, if mom needs anything, and tonight will be no different. This means I can barely function during the day, and coupled with the fact that all last week I went to bed between 2 and 3 AM, I’m a ball of exhaustion. Mom wants Dad by her side but I want to be there all the time.

And what this all means is that the later it gets, the worse I feel. In worrying about mom and what I would do if she gets really, really sick, I feel this giant pressure on my chest – this anxiety and loneliness that almost paralyzes me, because this almost feels too big for me. I’ve never yet failed in an emergency, but what if…? And days like today I realize all over again that it’s just her, dad and me, and I have to have the answers and the strength and the quick thinking… and all that just feels so fucking heavy and painful right now. I’m dying to talk to someone and vomit this shit out of myself. My siblings are blessing who are always there when I need them, and friends who force me out for dinner so I feel better.

On top of this is something I’ve been avoiding dealing with but don’t think I can anymore: my business. I love this crappy little place so much, but I really don’t think I can keep up with it anymore. And while I can make ends meet and am not destitute, Over the last week or so, it’s become clear that I need to snap out of it and find a solution.

I’ve been dancing around this issue, unable to bear the thought of losing business I love so much, feeling nauseous at the thought of packing all my crap up (and having to get a storage unit again). I’ve considered getting a partner in, but can’t embrace the idea. I don’t want to deal with a stranger, and even with a friend…

But then I go back to the general uncertainty in my life: I don’t know how long the recession is going to keep affecting me personally. I don’t know what lies ahead, relation-wise. It’s enough to have gone through everything I’ve experienced this year: the economy kicking everyone’s ass; realizing I hate my field so badly that getting laid off wasn’t such an awful thing; realizing I’m 20 and in need of a new career, and the fear and uncertainty that comes with that.
So…. ugh. I have some deep thinking to do and some big decisions to make. This is an incredibly busy month for me, and I know this will be occupying space in my brain as I try to make the right decision.

But right now, I just have to get through this night with the cozy blanket. I don’t know what is going to happen next. Enough shit… Now Dad is even depressed, he has got this deadline to shut his business down by the first of next month. He is happy and usually laughs at it, saying “I’ll enjoy rest of my life at home” but I am sure this feeling is killing him for sure…

Today is the first snow day I’ve ever hated.

When I was a kid and the there was a prospective snow storm on the way I would stay up all night, looking out the window waiting for the first flakes to fall. Many times the snow never actually came and I was forced to get on the school bus, exhausted from the unnecessary excitement. Last night, I went bed early because I was so miserable, I just wanted the stupid day to end and I fell asleep praying the snow would miss my little section of Pennsylvania. Much to my dismay, I woke up this morning to a world covered in white, and an even worse mood.

I don’t understand why I’m constantly tortured by stupid snow. When I want you, I can’t have you and when I have you, I don’t want you… Sounds like an unhealthy love affair. I just wish I would have brought my snowboard home from Philly, so I could at least do something cool when the road eventually clear.

How will I make it through this day? Well, it’s not even noon and I’ve had 5 Christmas cookies, 3 cups of coffee, and have had Sufjan Stevens Songs For Christmas on repeat since 9am. I will find the Christmas spirit and I will like this snow day. If these methods don’t work, I’m forcing myself into a coma and sleeping for the next month.

The last two working weeks before Christmas herald some hardy perennials. There’s the obligatory Christmas songs piped out of shops and music radio stations, there’s the rush to get everything done before the break and then there’s the office party. Depending on your point of view and/or experience, they’re either great fun, or a form of torture only marginally better than poking out your eyes with a gimlet. Or listening to a Christmas X Factor number one. On a loop.

For reasons I don’t understand, there are companies that insist on their employees attending the party in some attempt to ‘build the team.’ It’s the same thinking that forces the least sporty/aggressive/socially dextrous to attend those adventure paintballing weekends. Then there are companies who severely limit the food and/or alcohol. In this instance, the strength of the world economy lasting longer than a Duracell bunny wouldn’t make a scrap of difference, because that company is just plain mean. But the ultimate meanness is to not have a party at all. I was shocked to hear from a friend just yesterday that her company doesn’t have them. Not even a pub lunch. If you’re lucky enough to have a party, you need to negotiate the minefield, because although it’s a party, it’s still work. You mustn’t get drunk, or make a show of yourself by photocopying your bits, or copping off with the married one you’ve been waiting for all year and you definitely shouldn’t insult the boss or shag them. With that many restrictions in place, little wonder that office parties are powder kegs just waiting to go off, with the same old casualties at the end of the night. It’s as regular as, well, Christmas.

My chequered work pattern means I haven’t been to a lot of them but I’ve attended department lunches, dinners and events. I’ve also been to the full company do, so I can compare the two. I personally find the full on events hard work. I think there’s something strange about this forced bonhomie with people you barely know. It’s not real and I found myself on more than one occasion wishing I were in a pub with friends. Department events, on the other hand, are much more fun. You know everyone, you feel there’s a genuine relationship and you can let loose. I still have contact with people I used to work with long after we parted company work-wise. I think that office parties are fine, if you land the right ones, otherwise, they’re hell on Earth and best avoided, because that’s two to three hours of your life you’ll never see again.

Here’s a little fun for you in the spirit of Christmas. Please complete this sentence: Office Christmas parties are…

I was skimming back through the graphic journal I made last year, and found a short little mini comic I wanted to draw the guy from again.  In the original comic, the only thing that makes him happy are cowboy boots.  I just like to create my layouts and draw things, then I put the words to it afterwards.  It creates something different and kinda crazy which I like because it’s all about the organic process of the creation… not so much the results.  Although, I’m pretty pleased with how it looks.

“What do you mean what does my eating disorder look like?” “Yes can you tell me what it looks like? Does it have a color, a shape?”……(In my head) Are you $&*#ing kidding me???? Sure, my eating disorder is blue, it has three heads, it shows up with a necktie and a briefcase. Usually punches me in the gut to say hello, then it usually beats me over the head until I’m unconscious. Then it give me one last kick to the gut to make sure I’m fully in pain, then it puts back on it’s three hats and goes back home until it comes back to visit the next day….

So what did I get out of my therapy session, absolutely……nothing! I realized that I’m flipping angry. School is making me miserable, or my misery is amplified by being in school. So I’m no further off from where I started. But I need to figure out how I’m going to make it through the next 5 months without losing my mind….any suggestions?

Me and Vic on Route 66!

Yes this is actually only part 2 of 2. In which I will probably end up repeating some stuff since I haven’t read the last post in about as much time as you have. So let us recap, when we left, I had just experienced Nashville.

Recap complete.

From there we left for Oklahoma City. Now when you hear Oklahoma City, you probably think similar thoughts as I once did. Some tractors and lots of corn, not much else. When we got there it was dark, but don’t let that fool you into thinking it’s always  dark in Oklahoma City, I’m sure that in the day time it’s quite bright, possibly even sunny. But that is beside the point. Oklahoma city is really cool. A place I would actually travel to, just to see it. We went to this great micro-brewry/restaurant, where you can buy half-gallon jugs of beer for $13.

Half a gallon for $13!!!

And then get them refilled for $7!!

It was good beer too, actually make that great beer. So we ate, drank, and made merry before the morrow’s drive. We originally were going to stop off in Albuquerque for the night, on our way from Oklahoma city, but decided to wait until after we got there to decide on whether or not we wanted to go the distance. So after a drive through the rest of Oklahoma, and the miserable cold in texas,  we finally entered New Mexico

A state perhaps famous for nothing, not completely sure. Some New Mexico enthusiasts can probably prove me wrong. We entered Albuquerque and were immediately struck by the most prominent feature of Albuquerque. The dry sunny weather? The kicks as promised along route 66? The brilliant native american influence on the city? Let’s answer ”no” to all of those questions, the real answer is the startlingly high amount of young women with child. No by with child, I mean pregnant, but there were also a large amount with children too, and a suprising amount that were pregnant and had children with them. Apparently if there is one claim to fame for the city of Albuquerque, it must be labelled as the most fertile city in the USA. Needless to say, we immediately decided to do the drive to phoenix immediately after finishing lunch. I don’t think any of us wanted to run the risk of becoming pregnant whilst inside the city limits. So we drove it.  

Later that night I finally stepped out of the car, and revelled in the warmth that allowed me to just wear a t-shirt, I was finally in Phoenix, the land of opportunity, gold, and mechanical bulls.

While out there in Phoenix I did a few things that people rarely do. One was panning for gold, and yes we actually found some too. Out in the desert wilderness, basking in its baking temperatures. It was amazing, I was even able to muster enough sunlight to get a tan, even a sunburn. But now, that tan is nothing but a faded memory.

So I have just bought another ticket out there.

Funny how things work like that.

Also while I was there my trip was accented with something you’d barely dare to dream of doing, and by that I mean probably aren’t too keen on doing. I am of course talking about riding a mechanical bull, which was quite the experience. In retrospect those bulls are not the most anatomically friendly pieces of equipment, at least not for guys. If that isn’t enough to scare you, I heavily recommend doing stretches before mounting those things, after my startlingly prolonged ride, the next morning my body was quite sore. Mainly my lower back and inner thighs. I doubt it’s something I’ll ever do again. But check that one off of the list of things I’ve done while alive.

As for skydiving, I think I’ll put that on the list of things to do after I’m dead.

Sometimes I imagine what it would be like to be the only person in the world alive right now. I wouldn’t be worried about food, clothes, things or even a place to sleep. I could do whatever I wanted. I would be amused but in the long run really miserable. Nothing matters if no one else was around, even if you took the most expensive things because you could it would still be of no value knowing that no one would compliment or look at you in envy. Fortunately I am only one of the 6.8 billion people in this world and from where I come from, over population makes it hard to feel lonely… at least.

Emotional pain, or hurt, varies in intensity from the slightly uncomfortable to so searing as to feel unbearable. Mental illness, whether mild or severe, can be a consequence of our inability, either temporarily or permanently, to deal with the emotional trauma of pain and hurt.

In my experience there are countless ways for us to be emotionally hurt and experience emotional pain. I have noticed an interesting consistency and that is that we are the sole custodians of our feelings and as a consequence ultimately responsible for how we feel.

I have found it extremely common to hear ourselves saying “you hurt me”, “he hurt me”, “they hurt me”, “she hurt me”, “that hurt me” etc blaming others or circumstance for our hurt and pain. My view is that while you, he, they, she, that etc may have had a part in causing us the pain or hurt, if the potential for being hurt or feeling pain did not already exist inside us we would not get hurt or feel the pain. I believe that we have the capability to control this internal potential for pain and hurt.

Controlling this internal potential should not be confused with denial and avoidance. Denial and avoidance are temporary coping mechanisms that can cause serious problems down the track if not appropriately addressed and resolved. Gaining control confers a permanent change in us that enables us to feel and bear any hurt or pain while remaining consistently content regardless of external circumstance.

In my view one of the most significant factors in preventing us from effectively dealing with hurt or pain is fear. In her excellent book ‘Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway’ Susan Jeffers describes three different levels of fear:

• Level 1 – These are surface fears, the stuff we whinge, whine and moan about on a day-to-day basis e.g. financial security, getting old, asserting oneself, public speaking, becoming a victim of crime, being late etc
• Level 2 – These are fears stored in the memory banks of our Parent and Child e.g. hurt or pain, rejection, helplessness, acceptance, failure etc – see my previous article on Perspective for a description of the Parent-Adult-Child (PAC) model developed by Thomas A Harris
• Level 3 is simply “I CAN’T HANDLE IT!”

Of Level 3 Susan says:

“AT THE BOTTOM OF EVERY ONE OF YOUR FEARS IS SIMPLY THE FEAR THAT YOU CAN’T HANDLE WHATEVER LIFE MAY BRING YOU.”

She goes on to say:

“ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO DIMINISH YOUR FEAR IS TO DEVELOP MORE TRUST IN YOUR ABILITY TO HANDLE WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY!”

So there we have it, if we trust ourselves and back ourselves we will go a long way to gaining control of our internal potential for pain and hurt. Furthermore letting go of blame, see my previous article on Blame, also plays a major part in gaining control of reducing our internal potential for being hurt or caused pain.

Hurt or pain typically begins with some sort of transgression or slight against us either real or perceived. Whether real or perceived it feels very real to us. This kicks off the grief cycle, see my previous article on Loss for an explanation of the grief cycle. In brief the grief cycle is made up of five stages or states which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance or, as I abbreviate it, DABDA.

As I understand it, when we are hurt or in pain we cycle randomly through four of these stages/states:

Denial – This is the “I don’t believe it!” state

Anger – This is the “I want revenge!” state

Bargaining – This is “I’ll do/give anything to stop this pain.” state

Depression – This is the “I’m very sad, miserable and teary.” state

Because these states all cause us extremely emotional low moods, we should not try to sort our problems when we are in any of them. As Richard Carlson says in his excellent book ‘You Can Be Happy No Matter What’ (the words in [italics] are mine):

“It is in our lowest [worst] moods, when we are least equipped to do so, that we are tempted to try to solve problems or resolve issues with others.”

Richard also describes some wonderfully simple methods for managing the inner turmoil that accompanies pain and hurt.

In ‘The Art of Happiness’ and its condensed derivative ‘The Essence of Happiness’ by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler, M.D. the Dalai Lama says:

“All ‘deluded’ states of mind, all afflictive emotions and thoughts are essentially distorted, in that they are rooted in misperceiving the actual reality of the situation. No matter how powerful, deep down these negative emotions have no valid foundation. They are based on ignorance. On the other hand, all the positive emotions or states of mind, such as love, compassion, insight and so on, have a solid basis. When the mind is experiencing these positive states, there is no distortion.”

He then goes on to say:

“Our positive states of mind can act as antidotes to our negative tendencies and delusory states of mind… As you enhance the capacity of these antidotal factors, the greater their force, the more you will be able to reduce the force of the mental and emotional afflictions, the more you will be able to reduce the influences and effects of these things.”

In my experience, meditation, whatever form it takes (interestingly prayer is considered by some to be a form of meditation), is also extremely helpful in alleviating pain and hurt.

Stay strong and serene.

what if 1 MOBIC + 2 PCM?

latest update: arcoxia best. but damn expensive.

Early Sunday morning around 6am, my blissful sleep was interrupted by the aches and pains of galstone attacks. These attacks would occur once in a blue moon but when they did, sometimes it was so painful I would feel as though I was dying or close enough to death. What made it worse was that I left my pain medication in my dorm, so the entire time I was in severe pain. Somewhere between the massive pain and lack of sleep, I drifted off only to be awaken. “Are you feeling any better,” my concerned nana asked me. I was feeling much better and despite only having a few hours of sleep, I decided my best option was to go to church. I was feeling energized at church until I felt the stomach and back cramps and ended up having to leave the service before it even began.  I prayed the pain away, so did my nana and I don’t care what/who you believe in, God works miracles because at that exact moment, the pain went away and was replaced by an overwhelming calm, sortof the high I get when my pain medication is working. Not only have I missed work for the past 2 days (from both of my part-time jobs) but class as well and finals are next week. I was able to get some more pain pills but the doctor (if I can even call him that) from the clinic might have been a racist in his younger life or something, calling a grown woman, a girl in my book is a bit strange. I just really need some comforting right now, and too bad the only person who could really comfort me is miles away. I don’t know if I can wait 10 or 9 days for him to come back to me, I need him right now. (is that selfish of me??) Who the heck cares, when you are going through as much pain as I am, being selfish is allowed. What really sucks is that he can’t even talk to me when i need him to. I should be strong and resist talking to him but I can’t….

On a sidenote, I want to take the time to thank those few people in my life that have been there for me, and care for me when no one else did. No need to name names, because they know who they are. This is a new chapter in my life, because I have gotten rid of the fakes and people who are just a waste of time/energy. I lost two of my besties b/c I guess that’s just life, you gain some, you lose some. Apparently they were not my true friends, so who needs em. Before this year is over, i will have cut out alot of useless people and fakes, and focus on myself and the progression I am moving towards in my life.

Winter is so depressing. Its cold, wet, icy and miserable. On the plus side I get to wear my collection of hats. Not much of a plus really, but when its dark when you get up for work and its dark when you get home for work you have to try get some happiness somewhere!!

THEY’RE MADE WITH ORGANIC, FREE RANGE VEGANS

…

in more seriousness, i just read this op-ed on veganism: Animal, Vegetable, Miserable.

if anything i think it just cleared up what i think about veganism and vegans.

1. on the fact that whatever intellectual/emotional/communication differences exist between animals and humans is irrelevant, i agree with the vegans. humanity is blindly, arrogantly, and probably stupidly egotistical to assume superiority. the egotism of thinking that what you know is the only standard of intelligence (like assuming other people are stupid because they don’t speak your language) is blind and limiting. animals don’t speak human languages, and thus can’t write you an essay on how the mass genocide of their brethren is ultimate fail. are they therefore expendable objects to be slaughtered en mass with little respect for the role they play in the balance of life? no. further, the argument that humans are superior because they’ve conquered the earth is also flimsily supported in that we’re grappling with the consequences of our growth – we consume faster than we can renew, we create new health problems with our mass consumption, we’re ravaging the earth of its resources and dumping immortal plastic garbage on the rest, and yet somehow the most impoverished of us (a giant, but quiet portion of our population) wouldn’t say they have much of a leg up over the rest of the animal kingdom.

2. but i just haven’t been able to make the leap to renouncing all animal products, and the reason can be summed by two points: (a) i don’t think humans (or any other omni/carnivore) were meant to avoid every molecule of animal product ever; and (b) i personally don’t see a change in lifestyle (and optionally then evangelizing the lifestyle) as an effective vehicle for changing the social/political things i feel wrong about, and/or as a moral salve that makes me feel ok about my part in all this.

(a) this is the “the cow would eat me if it could [or wanted to]” argument. we’re animals. there’s a food chain. those that are hungry for meat use their claws/teeth/butcher knives to make it happen. if, as Mr. Steiner points out, death is death whether the animal was living in “free range” misery or just regular misery, then what is the difference between a lion or us killing it. i don’t feel that i as a human being have a moral obligation not to be part of the hunting/eating link of the food chain. the owl doesn’t shed a tear for the field mouse as it stuffs the whole squeaking thing in its mouth. i’m ok not shedding a tear for the catfish i ate yesterday. i don’t think a bear would be too sad about tearing me to pieces. it’s all good. does that make me morally bankrupt? i hope not. i just think that if we’re going to take moral offense at the killing of animals that humans like to eat, then ALL consumption of animals should be objectionable, even by other animals. are we going to STAND for the murder of all those antelope-type animals out in the serengheti who are being USED and ABUSED by cheetahs, lions, tigers, etc for FOOD? yes? then i regret to inform you that i’m going to keep chewing on this cow.

(b) if i altered my life with an eye to everything i found objectionable, immoral, unjust or just downright unfair about life, i really think i would cease to exist. while i DO find objectionable the manic, mass production/consumption of meat (aka millions of miserable animals soon to die so people can have lots and lots of cheap choices at the grocery store, which is horrible, selfish, and see above with the “humans think they can do this because they’re superior” thing)… i also find these things objectionable: sweatshops, human trafficking, children + the sex industry, child porn, rape and other sexual assault, violence against gays, no gay marriage, poverty, hunger, no clean water, no access to medicine readily available elsewhere, no access to education, no access to HIV prevention/care, genocide, sexism, racism, workers not making a living wage, starting and being unable to pull out of wars for oil, sarah palin, choking the earth where recycling isn’t enough but not enough people even recycle…. (i’m pretty sure i could go on, but now i’m too depressed to).

if i lived my life according to an obligation to fulfill my duties to each and every one of the above causes, donating to every group that i thought had a viable chance of fixing any of the above, avoiding every commodity made in unfair conditions (just try it, i dare you. there are a LOT of basic necessities out there made unjustly cheaply by the sweat of poor people), staying abreast of every underage breast that was jizzed on by some disgusting piece of sh*t, making sure that i lived MY personal life not taking more of the earth than i gave back, writing letters on recycled paper to every congressman that needs to know about any of the above, … i think my heart would explode under the impossible weight of this guilt that all of humanity should bear.

a lifetime isn’t enough. by the time i figured out what i was allowed to eat, somebody somewhere else will have opened another sweatshop. by the time i figured out which products i’m allowed to buy, a village somewhere will have seen another bunch of poverty-related deaths. i can’t stand it but i can’t function if i lived to the letter of all my moral objections. it’s too much for one person. for that matter, back to veganism, is it even possible to completely avoid harming any animal? the houses we live in and the whole foods/coops we shop in displaced countless species that used to enjoy forests, lakes, fields. is it possible to be sure that nothing we use was made at a factory that dumped toxic waste into a lake or river? what would vegans do with a roach infestation? (just because roaches are gross, annoying and look like aliens doesn’t mean they’re unworthy of dignity and respect, right?). should we go off into nature and not take advantage of the butchering, manufacturing, mass-consuming tools that the rest of humanity has created for us consumers? i think somebody tried that, his name was christopher mccandless. the closest i can think of to a solution is to renounce this privileged american life and go overseas to volunteer in something related to basic survival – (aka, unrelated to imposing western values on the third world).

i’m not ready to do that, so for now i make my choices. i choose to eat meat in moderation, try to stay relatively aware of what products are justly manufactured and support the good companies as much as i’m able, donate what i can when i can, drive a hybrid, vote, i’ll do pro bono when i can and am more qualified, and otherwise try to live my life without pissing too many people off.

3. which leads me to vegan superiority. says Mr. Steiner, “And how can people continue to eat meat when they become aware that nearly 53 billion land animals are slaughtered every year for human consumption? The simple answer is that most people just don’t care about the lives or fortunes of animals. If they did care, they would learn as much as possible about the ways in which our society systematically abuses animals, and they would make what is at once a very simple and a very difficult choice: to forswear the consumption of animal products of all kinds.” he also says, “meat-eaters are a self-righteous bunch.” oh really? who just spoke as if his way of thinking was the ONLY plausible response to a piece of knowledge?

i respect the choice that vegans have made and wholeheartedly applaud it. i’ll learn to cook vegan meals, not just “in case you come over” but because, in the face of said outrageous slaughterhouses and excess, it’s important to make it a viable lifestyle. but i don’t subscribe to it as MY whole lifestyle, nor do i subscribe to the idea that veganism is a superior (or “the only”) way of life, or that vegans have a superior moral code due to that choice. if they do, are they then superior to the natural predators mentioned above? (who has the superiority complex now? i thought we were over the assumption that we’re smarter and better than animals). you can judge me for eating meat and try to convert me, but i can also judge you for not being equally outraged at the number of people that died of curable diseases in the amount of time it took you to specify loudly and self righteously that the cupcakes you brought to work are VEGAN and not the regular type, or the number of rapes that occurred on college campuses across the US during your evening jaunt to whole foods to get VEGAN ingredients to make VEGAN meals. or maybe you knew about all these things, too, and DID NOTHING! .

let’s face it, the world is a clusterf*ck. let’s spend less time attacking each other’s flavor of activism, and/or being defensive and superior about our choices and just act on our respective moral indignations in peace.

What’s worse?

(A) Lying in bed, incapacitated by the flu, with your whole body aching everywhere and feeling like you have a mini mouse band playing a rock concert in your head; or,

(B) Sitting at your desk with a blank screen in front of you, knowing you have the ability to work, but are unable to, as evidenced by the mountain of tissues beside you generated from sneezing EVERY THREE SECONDS.

Either way, TOK is not getting done.

EDIT: Just for you, you naughty girl: origin of the title

I can’t remember having seen this depressing a weather forecast…

But I guess it could be worse – I am really looking forward to that sunny interval, Thursday afternoon around tea.

Yesterday you said you gonna email me soon. Im so worried. Afraid there won’t bea good things for me. I know you respect me and think that i’m pretty…but maybe also you think im so obsessed with you. U just don’t understand, its like my dream box. While here in real life terrible things happening, like granny’s death, jobless boom, scandals with relatives, and being hungry during a couple of days, im goin to my dream box – into dreams about you. Its making my life a lil easy, at least it helps me not to be mad .
You know, my friend told me, We need to be with many guys for find our One guy, our couple. I was broken many times, some guys just used me, like a doll, like a doll with no heart, they saw only a cute girl in me, do you think its easy to live knowing you’re fucking barbie? Like my ex american-japnese bf , used me, it was horrible. He asked me to marry him and then after couple of days he said he wants to have only sex with me cause my english is so bad and its impossible to talk to me, and on a next day he kicked me out, i spent all night alone on hiyoshi station in kanagawa. After this, I hate him, but i hate him cause then i got a phobia that all men will use me like he did, that i can’t love and trust someone. And i didn’t during a year… i didnt trust, i was so scared to fall in love with someone cause i didn’t want to be broken again. Those times when he did it to me , i wanted to kill myself, i didnt want to live, and i started to cut myself. More of that i wanted to forget him and things he did with me, but still i can’t forget it. He made me weak. And now i know that after me, he is using russian girls again and again… he is making friendship with many girls, and they dont know what a person he is. I wish one day some smart russian girl will use him too, like i couldn’t. And then i met you, 1st time in my city, i liked you, but i thought i never gonna meet you again. Then luckily we spent an amzing month in Japan. I knew you’re not like my ex, i know you didn’t use me, I thought i can trust you. But looks like i failed again. All world is a judge and it throws a stones in me But that doesn’t compare to what I do to myself when you’re not there and if I had a dollar for every time I repented the sin and commit the same crime I’d be sitting on top of the world today.
Im so ashamed for my weakness towards you.
And i know you wants me to move on from you..but its means my dream box will crushed and transform to another drama box.
Im a drama girl . Girl you see 1st time and wanna have fun with, don’t wanna look in the inside, but when you looked you wanna run away.
I gave myself a word that i willl never love someone till death. I broke this promise.

Even if you ‘ll tell me in this email that you don’t want me to keep loving you, i will love you even more, if you tell me you have a girlfriend, i will be happy to know you’re not alone in your heart, if you tell me you dont want me visiting you in florida, i will keep believe that i have a chance to meet you somewhere else, if you tell me you dont want to know me, i will gladly proud that i know you, if you tell me i need to find someone else and be with another guy…i will lie to you that im happy with someone else

don’t break my dream box. Ur the only hope i have.
love you justice. have a good flight. Saraba