Last night I took Misoprostol at 10:30 p.m.  About a half hour later I suffered severe cramping, chills and insomnia.  I was actually glad for the insomnia because around 4:00 a.m. I began having a terrible case of the poopies.  So much so that I literally had to run to the toilet.  Yet, now it’s been 13 hours since my first dose and I still haven’t passed anything.  Nary a spot of blood.  I suppose I should be happy for small favors since I have a busy day at work preparing for a trial on Tuesday.  I’m going to take another dose tonight of 800 mg and hopefully that’ll do the trick.  

As sad as this is, I’ve been so focused on avoiding the need for a D&C that I haven’t had much time to think about what it means to not be preggers anymore.  Although now that I think of it, I’m kinda glad to be able to mainline caffeine again.  (A must this morning.)  And this weekend I plan to take a super hot bath.  (Although I did read that you aren’t supposed to do that on Misoprostol.  Since my doc didn’t say it, I’ll play it by ear.)  I also wonder if my nails are going to break all the sudden when the hormones wear off because they’ve never looked so good.  

All in all, I think I’ll be able to take all of this in stride.  I wasn’t so sure yesterday when I learned my BFF is preggers.  I listened patiently and helped her celebrate before I told her I lost ours.  It was kinda sucky but she’s so great and upbeat that she cheered me up.  She really helped me think of this as only a delay in our eventual pregnancy plans and to remember that this alone doesn’t mean that we will never be able to conceive.  Plus, like my hubby is fond of saying, the fun is in the trying, right?

Argh, I missed a blogpost...damn now I must slit my wrists up…again
Yesterday was crazy!

I went to the Saco exhibit yesterday, which is a great mass for students, to give ideas and information for what and where to study after garduation.
It was fun, because all the different stalls gave us candy and other merchandise, there were tons of HOT girls and I also met up with two friends I met in Goth, so that was nice too^^
But yeah, getting back to the hot girls…wow, there were so many I didnt know where to look, especially one girl in particular that I couldnt get my eyes off as soon as she was close; a dancer with one of the most perfect bodies I have ever seen…slim, slender, great breast and ass, lovely legs and a cute face….Gah!
I had the golden opportunity with my friend to talk to her because we were at the same stall and it was fairly empty, so it wouldnt have been to akward…but alas, I am a shy bastard

My friend Lucien and I, we were supposed to go to circus and train last evening, but because of me we were too late and couldnt get in…which was a great pity because it was the second last training for the season
But we decided we´d go out for a drink instead.
We went to many different places but ended up the longest, first at Liffeys( An irish pub in Old Town) and then Movitz just up the street.
Out of nowhere, my friend El Producente and his friends show up and we get together around a table.
It was very nice, we spoke for hours about film, Ninjas, life and martial arts while we drank some very nice Champagne and redwine^^
The evening wasnt so bad after all

Urgh, though December 3rd was a bad day for me…it gave me tons of anxiety and bad memories…in a way it was good for me to drink because then I could get my mind off all the stress and depression
But then again, this date will haunt me for a long time…because of a certain bitch Damn, you easily forget Hitlers birthday but why not this one….WHY???? The everlasting question WHY???
Why is it so hard, so painful and distressing to have such a small thing as a birthday make me feel like suicide?

Buddha says: Let go of the past, things have changed and will continue to change…it wont be the same ever again, things will get better if you change and let go of the past and look into the future instead, Tomio…
-Thank you , lord <3 I will.

I just arrived back to work after the doctor’s appointment and now it’s confirmed.  We lost the baby at 10 weeks.  Maybe I should say “zygote” instead of “baby” to reflect my zealous pro-choice stance?  Whatever you call it, the heartbeat stopped.  I think I could see its little arms and legs.  Sometimes the miracles of modern medicine are too much to bear.  I wonder when its tiny little heart gave out?  Apparently I had what they call a “missed miscarriage” because I haven’t had any bleeding yet.  So now I have to take meds to induce cramping and evict the little fella.  I’m disappointed to say the least¹, but one of the benefits of being a pessimist is that I was always expecting the worst.  Not so for my hubby.  He was horribly surprised.  Poor guy.  Maybe I was able to come to terms with it before him when my nausea and breast tenderness were gradually decreasing?  Maybe despite his bravado and firm appreciation for hedonism, he wanted this little guy much more than it seemed?  I don’t know, but he sounded so sad when I had to tell him over the phone that it nearly broke my heart.  Now I feel awful for giving him grief about that stupid comment.  But I suppose that I was entitled to my time to grieve too.  Sigh.  I know that tons of people go through this but I’d bet only a small minority of them have to go through it with bad hair.²  I am probably just looking for sob fodder, but in my googling I stumbled onto these photographs of still births: 

http://www.toddhochberg.com/seeexhibitslides.html

For some reason I find them so very beautiful and touching right now.

1. By “disappointed” I mean I started blubbering at the doctor’s office after all. Not too surprising when the waiting room is filled with joyous couples crooning over their ultrasound photos. While there I sat, a human casket of death and aging ovaries, waiting an hour for the stupid doctor to see me. Only to have her neglect to look at my file, (and apparently my bloodshot eyes), effusively ask how I’m feeling and opine that it’s normal for my symptoms to lesson. That is, until I reminded her to look at the ultrasound and informed her that I lost the heartbeat. It’s amazing how a little disdain can diffuse sorrow immediately.

2. Just jokes.  In times like these I find offensive humor most appropriate.  Yet another reason to feel sorry for my husband.

But we didn’t make it. As we sat in the station waiting – eating our sandwiches and drinking our beer – our bus left without us. We’d set our clocks incorrectly and missed it. It almost made me cry. Instead, at 10 pm we were forced to find a room and settle in. We were grumpy.

This morning we got our bus to Seville. Seville is the most beautiful city I’ve never set foot in that I know of and have seen. The buildings, churches, museums, and neighborhoods we drove past – on the bus – were magnificent. Colorful, detailed and adorned with sculpture, the roundabouts sport large statues and everywhere are leafy green parks, lazy rivers, and cafes. We stared out the windows and Michael said two things,

1. “Why can’t we ever get stuck in towns like this?” And it’s true, these past few days we’ve stayed in smelly, dirty, nasty cities with little to do but wait on park benches, bus station curbs, or moldy hotel rooms. Why doesn’t Seville ever happen to us?

He then said, 2. “We have to put this on our list of places to go when we have money.” I agreed, whole-heartedly. It may be a long list, and it’s always growing, and we may never actually live up to the requirement that dictates the list, but at least we have aspirations.

We made our connection with only a few minutes to spare in Seville. Michael bought us another sandwich to share at the station and I stood there, trying to get on the bus and wave to Michael to hurry him along at the same time. I was desperate not to miss this bus.  In five hours we were in the airport in Lisbon doing what I’d dreamed about these last three days on buses and trains: getting a rental car.

Amid the confusion and consternation of the global financial crisis, Islamic banking had a gilt-edged chance to step into the breach. But from Mecca to Malaysia, the world’s Islamic bankers were paralysed. What happened?… From BBC News. Full story

This site may contain information about: gum recession. The blog is also related to: recession rates.

Who knows what our lives will look like then.  Not this, I said.  And she said, So.  And if we had been at the seashore, perhaps it would have made a difference.  Perhaps the pages of the book would have clung one to the other, and who knows perhaps we would have missed an essential page.  But here we are.  Still, here we are.  And she will sleep tonight, and I will, too.  And where we go when dreaming is anyone’s guess.  He isn’t telling.  He never has.  Though he writes book after book and publishes the results and receives the accolades reserved for better men, who couldn’t care about such things and are more concerned with looking inwardly.  If looking were the right trope for what saints do when they retreat from the world not to look for God but to find what there is to love in the wilderness.

Dear sicagogirl,

My boyfriend keeps getting upset when i miss his phonecalls  or i dont send him a text message write away. He gets so mad about everything lately.But the thing is he just sends the messages when I am busy. I don’t know what to do.

Amanda B,

Dear Amanda B,

There are many types of men out there. I don’t have more information about your boyfriend but this is actually a typical problem for many young lovers. Your boyfriend is either overprotective or he is attention-greedy.

Him being over protective would mean he wants to know how you are all the time. Meaning that he loves you a lot. If this is the case then there is not very much you can do but to assure him of your wellness.

If he is just attention greedy, make sure you give him enough attention when you have enough time so that he wont have to send you messages when your not free, making you unable to answer his calls or messages.

The fact that your boyfriend gets mad about everything lately might be due to the fact that you have been missing his calls and messages, making him feel like you are avoiding him or having a slight change of hearth about your feelings towards him. Make sure he knows how much you care about him. You can do that in your own way and adapting it to his character.

Good luck,

Sicagogirl

“I remember” … very dearly,  it was a few years back, a little school going boy heard about distant lands, better places to live than he was in right now. He was fascinated with the facts people poured over him, a dream popped out, he wanted to be in those places.

“I cherished” … for the boy that he gets to his target because as his inner self will not be satisfied until he does it … The boy was unguided on his tour of this big vast world. He had friends, but were they really what they were to him ? He never cared … they were on the same quest as his own. but, unlike the boy they were guided for their tough and competitive ascent of life.

The boy only had a perception of getting good grades in school and score in few more exams and he will be through to the next level … he was utterly wrong. A big part of his ignorance came out of his own careless attitude … and why not, he was the only child of his parents … not a very wealthy family but, a well putting family as far their needs demanded. This little boy wasn’t a spoiled one … he knew his parents, specially the mother is working hard for him … he just lacked the motivation to make his dream come true.

“I missed” … couldn’t help him getting past the early obstacles. Very soon the boy faced his last of the schooling examinations .. he passed the tests but not with very flying colours as he used to … again his lack of motivation to pursue the right trail leading towards his dream of life failed him one chance to get to where he needed to be. A little confidence went down, a feeling of guilt creeped in … but the chance was gone. The next big thing was to graduate … this little boy had a very peculiar habit, he never aimed for the 2-tier targets, his choice was always the elite things in his arsenal.

The boy tried his best to get into the best graduating institutes in his land … it required a two step exam clearance … he always made through the first stage but couldn’t get past the second hurdle. Two times he tried, two years he lost … he was fully backed by his mother against people who said he was wasting time. money and his career. His mother trusted in him … the boy was doing his part but still lacked that fire instinct to pursue the target … In the meanwhile his parents got separated, not legally but, they started living apart … the boy stayed with his mother. She was the only one who cared for his decisions, his likes/dislikes, dreams and who he was and how he was.

He got admission … went away to study … his mother was left behind alone … A time came something very visceral happened(very personal in boys memory) … that moment changed him, he was shocked to his inner cores of the conscience. The boy decided to change, to get over his weaknesses, to pursue his dream actively, to prioritize his steps to get to his dream and nothing else mattered. Still he was unguided … but this time he believed in helping himself rather than seeking help from someone.

Finally, the boy graduated. He wasn’t congratulating himself very much because he knew the time he had lost in past he has to make up for that time and also he has to fulfill the duties his position now demanded. it was a double trouble for him but he had grown optimistic over the period of time and believed he will do it one day, though he always knew in his brain that every big effort needs its part of sacrifice and he will have to make those sacrifices in order to be what he always wanted from himself.

“I am trying” … to help the little boy standing up to his ambition. The boy graduated. had to wait for few months … got employment … a respectable one in his stratum of  studies … All people who criticized his mother for backing him always for all his decisions had no options but to be silent … The boy is now again planning and executing steps to get to the next level and he will do it no matter what it takes … that dream is still very much alive in him. He now keeps a low profile, doesn’t do the time wasting things he once used to do, no partying, no meaningless celebrations becuase a time will come when he will celebrate and will do to the fullest.

I am certain he will make it one day … in essence … he has boarded a better, faster and equipped boat to “explore the nautical miles” left to be covered. And all of this achievements he has grabbed on his own … no body guided him … circumstances made him self guided.

Lets hope for the best in the end.

Not that I didn’t know, I did. I do. I’ve always known.

Recently though, I was reminded. I needed that reminder. I can’t or won’t or shouldn’t feel bad about it either. I am doing my best to simply do what I Have to do because I Know.

I’ve missed you something fierce. All the goodness you bring has eluded me for one too many months now. I’ve missed you, a lot. Maybe in a way you missed me too.

Now that I know because of the reminder you gave me, we will work, once again, on not being missed. I can’t promise you anything because you never have. That’s ok, I understand. I think you understand too.

I’ve joked about it many times. I probably always will. It’s hard not to considering how much of you I don’t seem to get. You do realize I need you, right? Ok, maybe you don’t need me but without me there, doing what I Know, it’s kind of pointless. Wouldn’t you say?

I wish I could say we have come to an understanding but I think I need to put more effort into this. You are aware that I am trying, right? Maybe I shouldn’t ask you so many questions. That is one area I Know I need to work on. Of course you know all about it. When the time comes I tend to not give in. I tend to fight it. Because you have eluded me for so long, if I am being honest here I should say for most of my life, I just gave up. I don’t want to give up anymore. I don’t want to fight it. I certainly don’t want to read into it either.

I’ve missed you. A lot.

From now on I will try to listen. I can promise you That. I Will listen. So when I do, help a woman out. Mkay? Alright.

Here’s to more sleep. Good sleep. Decent sleep. Much Needed sleep.

Last night Mr. Facebook was flying home from a work trip and because he was flying in late we just planned to see each other tonight. However I couldn’t wait to see him, he has been gone since Monday and seriously it has been way to hard not seeing him all week long. So to surprise him I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. I made it to the airport with just 10 minutes to spare and time enough to grab a blacken ice tea for both of us at Starbucks.

Hiding around the corner I saw him walking out with his work buddy and the best part was sneaking up on him and asking him if he needed a drink. Ha-ha I think I caught him off guard because the first thing that came out of his mouth was you are such a bugger. After that he pretty much just beamed and seemed really happy that I came to greet him at the airport.

So for a 90 minute round trip to and from the airport was worth the 5 minutes I spent with him walking him from the gate to the shuttle. I think we were both in such a good mood and so happy I got to see him. So I kissed him goodbye and watched him leave on the shuttle to get his car. Knowing that I would be seeing him tomorrow…

Thus far it seems that the overall feeling on Palin’s book is that it is a weakly voiced, whiny 400-pages of buck passing and finger pointing for her follies and short comings in the run for vice president as well as a self-flagellating recount of her life and family. I have not read it, probably never will unless it is lent to me by someone because I refuse to support her financially and idealistically. I have read a half dozen book reviews and heard her claims on the Newsweek’s ‘sexist’ cover that ran a photo of her taken for a shoot for a running magazine. In a time where she is presumably setting herself up to run for office in 2012 she has penned, or most likely ghost-written, an apparently petty and scathing editorial on those around her for her failings instead of taking responsibility for her lack of basic governing common knowledge and being ill-prepared for the investigative light that comes with the campaign for the high office that she sought.

In many reviews it is said that the book lacks the voice of a ‘leader’. The words are devoid of an overall message of power, strength, conviction, and accountability. She often slams the ‘liberal media’, though she has never shunned the coverage, and her secret desire to get one reporting team ‘slimy’ and dirty, which didn’t happen during a photo op fishing trip she went on with the crew. She felt slighted by those that made her over, and controlled her during the campaign, though this is what campaign managers and PR people get paid to do. She points out many short falls in the campaign in her eyes and speaks at length about the Katie Couric interview debacle that she wasn’t ready for. (That question on ‘what books do you read’ was a serious doozy for her I am sure.) She claims she was misinformed on Couric’s interviewing prowess. Misinformed? It’s Katie Couric, if you have owned a TV in the last 15 years then you should know that that chick swings for the fences in an ‘exclusive interview’ event like yours. Grow a pair, you are mildly educated on the topics you should know so much about, and Couric shoveled her way past your thin vail of a hockey-mom persona to find that there was little behind the mask. You got nailed, as Colbert would say, deal with it.

Whatever the book may be to those that read it, it seems that all is coming to fruition that I predicted so long ago. It will be a best seller, no question, and it will make her a media starlet again, for good or ill. Palin will take the place of the Jon&Kate fiasco on the tabloids, get serious interviews, like the one she had with Oprah pre-book release. She is doing her book tour, which will be a soft pedaling affair where most talk will be of how great her hardcore fans think she is, and how the media is so mean, when it should be her chance to push policy and talk shop, instilling confidence in her as a potential leader. Though this tour and public appearances would be a great chance for her to further her political career and talk policy and begin campaigning as a candidate for 2012 it will probably turn in to a whiny bitch session from stop to stop and TV appearance to TV appearance. Little will be spoken of that isn’t juicy, salacious, and an excuse for her performance and recent activities and this will be a huge mistake on her part if this isn’t taken advantage of as a chance to rally the ‘rogues’ out there that love her no matter what she says.

Sarah is all over the place, and one place she is not happy with being is on the cover of Newsweek. Sure enough, here comes the liberal media with it’s ‘sexist’ cover photo of her in thigh long running shorts, stockings, running shoes, and a long sleeve fleece zipped all the way up. Yes this ‘sexist’ cover showing less skin than a 1940’s ladies one piece bathing suit is a take from a shoot she did for some running magazine with the tag line ‘how do you fix a problem like Sara Palin’, or something to that effect. She claims that this photo is offensive and is sexist. Yes, this photo (a poorly lit and shot photo, the shadows behind her are an egregious slap in the face of exposure compensation and lighting proficiency, a flat lighting ratio, et al, a bad photo) that she volunteered to be in for a running magazine is now sexist on the cover of Newsweek. I don’t see how it wasn’t sexist in one magazine and then sexist in another. Apparently it objectifies her as a sexy woman and this takes away from her as a political figure somehow, as if the McCain team didn’t play her attractive looks and the republicans didn’t get a hard on with her as a poster child, gimme a break. How can you pose for a photo and then complain when a magazine legally obtains the rights to it for publication? It is such a cliched, poorly shot photo, do you see the American flag she leaning on? She prostitutes the word and idea of ‘American’ and ‘patriot’ to the point that the whole concept loses is power and meaning, so really the only thing the photo can be accused of, besides being bad, is that it is a tasteless pander to prostituting the honor and respect we should have for America and truly patriotic people, not those that whore the word out for political gain.

So what is next? Well, she should appear on Larry King Live soon, before he dies. I would say Letterman, but she probably won’t do that after his whole blackmail/affair debacle a while back, so I am betting the Jay Leno Show would like to ‘get’ her. She will make a cameo appearance on Saturday Night Live, possibly this week. I would love to see her on The Daily Show, but that won’t happen, maybe Colbert, but unlikely, and I think she might make a Meet The Press appearance. Palin will hammer the media as they cover her and blast her critics who say she needs to come to terms with her delusions of grandeur and get back in to small politics if she wants to ever make a run at the highest office. There are those that feel she is just not ready for the big show, maybe in 20 years, when age softens her looks as well as hopefully gives her wisdom, she can come in and take a more measured and experienced approach; that is, if she gets back in to smaller state offices now. Her proponents will trumpet the same old line of how great she is, how strong, how smart, and ignore every fact that points to the contrary; and this is who this book is written for, those that she the world through a Palin-made filter.

Sara Palin’s first book should have been a trumpet to call her troops and instill the thrill of victory in to their hearts for 2012. The book cover to cover could have a clarification and idealogical manifesto for the new Republican Party that needed to emerge for victory and a better America. She could have silenced all her critics with a el written and tough out socially conscious piece, and like a Phoenix she could have rose from the ashes of her shortfalls and very public embarrassments. She could have spun a tale of love and devotion in her family, explained away the pregnancy and all that stuff about marital problems, et al. It should have been a speech like something out of 300 that gave you goosebumps and made you just want to kick a door in to see how it felt. Her words, or someone else carefully shaping her words, should have cut to the core of her constituents and should have shed a light on the system she was going so ‘rogue’ from, creating a firestorm of support that would rocket her to near mythical proportions in the coming years. Instead she penned 400-pages of her boring, quaint life growing up and came to the summation that: A) Katie Couric is a bitch; B) Washington D.C. is a cross between ‘sodom and the frozen circle of hell’; and C) that her wardrobe stylist, Lisa A. Kline, was the torpedo that sank the McCain dreamboat to the White House and ruined her beyond repair. Yeah, it was the stylist’s fault. Bra-fucking-vo, Palin, your legacy is intact.

another long week

Today, a friend and her daughter came over and we hung out and worked on some organizing around the house.  I decided to tackle the trash bags sitting in the computer room that had been brought from AFD– John’s personal things from his locker.  I haven’t had the strength to look at them.  They’ve been here for well over a month.  Today, with my friend here, I decided to open them up.

John’s life at the firehouse was separate from our life together.  I’m not a firefighter.  I don’t know much about firefighting.  John’s told me a lot and I’m eager to learn, but like the horses are my thing- firefighting was his thing.  He could tell you the names and breeds of the horses and knew that Tiny and Amber were decedents of the great Doc Bar.  But he didn’t know the intricacies of riding or horsemanship.  Same with me and firefighting, although honestly, I probably had more interest in firefighting than John had in my “lazy assed horses.”

But he respected my passion and my love for horses, just like I did his love and passion for firefighting.  Both are hobbies/careers that take up a lot of time and can cause rifts in relationships.  That is one of the many things that I’ll always love about him.

Going through his stuff there were some things I knew I wouldn’t find.  I knew I wouldn’t find a photo of me in his stuff.  No wedding photo.   No photo of the two of us.  No photo that he liked of me.  I’m sure some people would think that was odd and maybe it is.  But, that’s the way John was.  If you asked him, he probably would have had a reply like- why do I need a photo of Mary, I see her all of the time.  I often missed him when he was gone, he rarely missed me.  I think a lot of that is that he just saw it as part of the job- John was a professional through and through.  Maybe he even took our relationship for granted to an extent- like it would always be around- always be there.  We had a great relationship and we loved each other very much.  Maybe he figured we were adults and adults don’t miss somebody when they don’t see them for 24 hrs.  John really wasn’t a very emotional person.  Sometimes I think that comes with the job- firefighters and police officers see a lot of things that normal people don’t.  Things that normal people don’t want to see- death, dying, blood, body parts, fires, sickness, etc.  What they experience can also be confidential information in some cases.  John also had experienced a lot of loss- he lost his father in 1994 and his mother in 2004.  That can change a person.

Having Nathaniel changed that for him… he smiled more than he ever had and you could just see the love for his son… it shines through in all of the photos of the two of them.  I know he missed his boy when he was at work.  He’d come home and just hug Nathaniel and tell him how much he missed him.

Being diagnosed with stage IV  made John more emotional, too.  Not to say we had gushy emotional in depth conversations about feelings, but he shared more than he had before and he started telling me “I love you,” more than he ever had.  He used to rarely say it.  He knew it bugged me.  He would reply that it was trite and overused and that I should know that he loved me.  It just felt nice to hear it… to know that he meant it.

I had gotten John some photo magnets of Nathaniel for Christmas or for his birthday or both.  They were in there.  Along with our Christmas card from last year.  He loved his son more than some fathers will love their children in a lifetime.  John was the best father.

I was pleasantly surprised to see that he had actually taken the little fan that I had gotten for him to work.  Often times things that I got for him were just put aside.  Now, who knows if he actually used the fan or not, but at least it made it to work.

There was one thing that I didn’t know he had, but I sort of knew why he had it- a stuffed flying flingshot frog It is reminiscent of the “No Balls” frog.  John also had “No balls”  listed on  his FB page as  his quote.  “Young buck.  Old School,” used to be his quote on the firefighting forum, The Watch Desk.  “Young buck.  Old School,” made sense to me.  “No balls,” I just didn’t get it.  Once I asked him about it.

His explanation was showing me “Frog in a Blender” on Joe Cartoon.

I understand the “Frog in a Blender.”  I found it funny, but not hilarious.  I also missed the point of why he would use it as an avatar and quote on his pages.  So… if anybody wants to explain the significance… I’d appreciate it…

Of course… you can’t always be a serious all business sort of guy.  He did love watching “The Simpsons“, “Family Guy“, and “American Dad.”

There were a  few DVDs.  Typical firefighter ones like:  “The Complete First Season of Rescue Me” & “Ladder 49.”  I loved “Ladder 49,” but hated the ending… isn’t everything supposed to have a happy ending… sigh…   Of course in my “movie”, my firefighter dies of cancer… so no happy ending here either.  There was “Saving Private Ryan.”  John love Mel Brooks.  I being deficient in movie watching have seen very little Mel Brooks.  Geez… every since John and I were dating he mentioned how I needed to watch Mel Brooks movies… in particular “History of the World Part I.”  That was in his locker.  Along with “Spaceballs,” “Young Frankenstein,” and “Blazing Saddles.”  Sadly, I don’t think I’ve seen any of them– I can say I’ve watched “The Producers” and thoroughly enjoyed it.  Maybe I’ll just have to watch some DVDs…  There were 2 vidoes from a comic I’d never heard of, Bob Nelson.  Probably everybody but me has heard of him, but me.  I’m not a whiz when it comes to pop culture.

There was a baseball glove with some balls.  The firefighters used to play at work.  I remember when John bought the glove and some balls.  I believe he got a great deal on a large quantity of balls and sold the ones he didn’t need on E-bay.  He commented that the Navy didn’t like it that much when their balls when over the fence.  I know he looked forward to playing when they had the chance.  One of John’s comments when he was stage IV is that he wanted somebody to teach Nathaniel to play catch.  With my ball handling abilities… that’s not me… volunteers gladly appreciated.

There were some tools that I don’t know what they are and locks without combination.  At least the locks are open.  I don’t know if there is symbolism or irony there or just two locks.  I’d love to ask John to explain what the tools are are or how to use them, but I can’t.  I saw something that was blue nylon.  I wondered if that was his rigging for lifting people (sorry, I don’t know the technical terminology).  John was an expert at knots and doing different rigging.  He was part of a Cecil County rope rescue team.  Once he wanted to practice, so we went over to the firehouse and I ended up hoisted quite high in the air…. lol… a lot of fun, but the harness was NOT comfortable… lol… Part of me wanted to investigate.  Part of me knew, I’d crumple if that’s what it was.

There was a computer cable, a jump drive, and some CDs.  John was a computer whiz.  It’s not surprising that he had some type of computer stuff at work.

A comb, his razor, lotion, a LiveStrong band, a mosquito repellent bracelet, boot polish, and leather cleaner (actually my leather cleaner for my tack– no problem, I’m sure he got more use out of it) were also included.  I brush Nathaniel’s hair with one of John’s combs.  I’ve thought, what will I do when it breaks?  Now, I have a backup.

There was an envelope of some paperwork.  It looks like some reports and classes that John had written up.  He’d been the instructor for a lot of them.  John LOVED teaching.  He was so excited about AFD having their own academy.  He was going to be an instructor.  His eyes lit up when he talked about it.  Sadly, he got sick and was barely able to teach at all.  His helmet with the instructor shield was in the box.  It even still smelled smoky- who knows when he last used the helmet- he was pulled out of work immediately upon his stage IV diagnosis in February.  It’s hard to believe that after all of that time it still smelled smoky.  I love that smell.  I still do, even knowing that his firefighting may very well have contributed to his death.  Bottom line- firefighters have a higher rate of melanoma than the general population.

He had a lot of clothes and his bed linens.  They’ll be nice to keep for Nathaniel and if I ever loose a lot of weight, I know I’d love to wear his t-shirts.

There was a Thank You note from an elementary class that Menassa, Joe, & John had visited to teach fire safety.  I wondered if Joe & Menassa had gotten Thank You’s also or if they’d put it in there for my benefit.  Whatever the case…. I appreciated it.  John participated in a lot of fire safety events at schools and he did a spectacular presentation for becoming a firefighter that he presented at our local (I think) middle school (may have been HS).

John was passionate about firefighting.  He loved being a firefighter.  If only all of us could share that same passion and love… we’d all be happier and the world would probably be a better place.

I think about my desk at work.  If anything happened to me… what contents would get boxed up and returned to Nathaniel.  Most of my things would be discarded- confidential company  info.  Then, there are some printed and cut out photos that I used to display (of the horses, cats, John, and Nathaniel) that are now in desk drawers.  There are the trinkets that people bring back for the team when they go on vacation and an American flag that the company gave us several years ago.  There are a few commendations from when they used to give commendations.

Right now my desk is pretty bare.  I have a laminated funeral card and my calendar from Shutterfly that I made with Nathaniel (and Nathaniel & John) photos.  For the past several years, I’ve delighted in making calendars and photo books.  I think I’m done for a while– too emotional– back to generic.

It was hard going through John’s  things and hard writing about it.  It’s getting to the point- what is left?  I know as I eventually get the house cleaned and if I ever get the basement cleaned, I’ll run across more things of John’s that I didn’t know about.  But I feel like his work chapter is closing.  I don’t want it to close, but sadly, I feel that  it is.

I love it when you call;
I love it when you call;
I love it when you call;
But you never call at all

Btw, i love FAILblogs like these:
http://failblog.org/2009/11/12/bathroom-fail-3/

And i love posts like these:
http://origamicupcake.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/japanese-street-fashion-photos-by-akif-hakan-celebi/
The fashion sense there is just so eccentric. And the best part is, they’re not afraid to flaunt it!

Btw, 2PM’s performance on “Oh Good~! Concert” was beyond EPIC. They’re able to pull off a great performance even without their leader, Jaebeom, around. RESPECT!

Btw, i am absolutely LOVING all the stuffGD used for his music video:
http://www.allkpop.com/index.php/full_story/style_spotlight_g-dragon/

3 days since we finally get each others heart .
he really got me from the start
i owe him a lot
i meant to missed him even more
i love him as much as i could to love myself

i would be very great if he will try to be my only one
i would be very happy if that thing happens this time
i would and i could be the luckiest person if he do so
and maybe it will change me to a new ME

me, myself and I know the real thing
that he loves someone else
and even thou he has this girl
i am still happy to be his special friend

though its hard for me to accept it
i need to do it
truth hurts, accept reality
is what my friends want to teach me

my long last love will be last tonight
because i want something different that can last
i really want to move on from my past
and open my heart for the one who Loves me bright

i hope he will come on soon
and i hope i will not be waiting too long
but if waiting comes to a nonsense thing
i will not love you only thus i will love you more as i could

—-
you got me !

On Wednesday 11/4/2009 during that beautiful aftetrnoon a lady very dear to my heart past away. Her name was Beverly Thomas Tuitt She was a Harlem School of nursing Graduate. She was like an Aunt to me along with all the Nurses of that class with my Mother.   All the nurses of that class rasied me up from when I was 2 years old while my mom finished school.

When my mother past away a few years back I guess I adopted Bevie(as she was affectionately known) and she adopted me. We watched out for each health wise and just in general. When I needed a place for a while she gladly took me in and when I got sick she was by my side as  I for her when she was sick.
This last time I kind of feel like I let her down though.   She was in the Hospital and I was not there in time to say good bye or just hold her hand.  I did see her the sunday before and she looked great thought she was on the mend again.  She was tough you see she was a 32 year cancer survivor.  But the chemotherapy and radiation and operations all took there toll on her.   she just couldn’t win this fight sorry to say. But Sunday she was confident sitting up joking told me she had a few more years maybe. It was close I thought she was on the mend as well. Just did not work out that way.

She was however a great believer in business practices of supporting your friends and family in business. She was the rally person with emails and word of mouth you need car or truck call my nephew Courtney he will help you out. Or hey all my friend and nursing school buddy just wrote a book we need to buy it and support her first book let people see it so she can sell more.  Always the ra ra never give up.  She was great and she will be missed by me and her Family.  God bless you Beverly Thomas-Tuitt tell mom I say hey and I love you both.

丢失了新的手机，最心疼的不是手机本身，而是我最珍惜最宝贵的短信。想念时无法再看一看那些短信。。

虽然用回旧的手机，可是真的很珍惜它。它拥有的短信虽然有些内容是一些有的没的，可是短信述说了许多曾经一起经历的事。

凌晨两点钟。。。

看着看着，眼泪不知不觉地又滴了下来。。

————————————————————————

听着陈伟联《大海》，好熟悉的歌曲。。对了，曾经听过你们在KTV 深情地唱。

真的想你们。

此刻的心情。。。

I have beliefs that are pagan. I don’t consider myself Wiccan at all. That’s not my style. I guess I’m pretty eclectic or can even be classified as a hedgewitch. One holiday that I like to always celebrate is Samhain. Even if it’s just a moment of time outside by myself, I consider that observing the holiday. I like to take that moment to smell the autumn air. I love when the leaves fall. In their piles, they start to break down and release a great smell. Near my house is a beautiful cemetery and I’m planning on taking a walk to check out the changing colors. Hopefully today will be nice enough for that walk.

One of the main aspects of the holiday is remembering the ones you have lost. I haven’t experienced a lot of death in my life at all. My mother’s parents both passed away before I was born. I met my great-grandmother at her funeral. That was an awkward meeting. The only really close relative that has passed away is my Grandfather. And really that is it besides the loss of pets. Growing up, my pets lived long healthy lives. Garfield was a cat that lived to be 20. Max, another cat, lived to be about 17. There were small animals but they don’t live all that long by nature. Our dogs had the same track records as the cats. Sadly though, my Lola died this year way too soon. She was only 4 years old. It was an unfortunate accident that probably wouldn’t have been able to be prevented.

The day before she died I randomly took pictures of her and Zeus. I find it weird how I don’t do it very often but I happened to before she passed. I put the cat condo up on the table while I was vacuuming and she felt the need to be in it in a spot she doesn’t even normally sit. On top of that, her and Zeus were able to share my bed without killing each other. I didn’t have the heart to plug my camera into the computer till Samhain day. I felt it was time for my closure. She was probably the best behaved cat ever. She always was polite enough to wait till I sat up in bed before bothering me for food. Of course she only cuddled on her time but that’s normal for most cats. While sleeping on my bed she was always on the pillow beside mine. Lola never scratched a single piece of furniture either. She is missed and loved. Below is her final photo shoot.

drippy gutters = the purest of all evil. seriously. it better get sorted. or else… trouble. me not pleased.

but for some reason, even though i was ill last night and missed out on all the fun, and then didnt get to sleep till three, and then got woke up by the mighty dripper at like eight, today, i just cant help feeling happy. pure happy. its ace. i loves it. why the hell did I think i wasnt ever gonna feel like this again?!

how pathetic of me.

I hope i wasn’t to miserable that I upset any one, and if I was, then I’m sorry. I’m happy now!

Music realy is a healer. thanks iPod… you too iPig. now I need to get some funny posts back again… It must of sucked without them…

College tomorrow, yay. ill be glad when this half term is over. too many people made it suck. ahh well, they’re obviously losers.

omggggg, start decorating my mum and dads room today… and ima gonna be getting paid for it. score.

Im thinking bowt painting it some reallyyyyy rank colours just to piss em off.

Shite my dream was weird last night. good weird. not like the nightmares ive been having the last few days. Bowt maralyn mansion. urgh. they realy were nightmares. lets not go their.

last night, i got to be a duck. yes a duck. a lol fuck. and all I could do was talk like a lol person. it was weird. i dont remember any of my lols but i remember vickis… only shes gonna get it but hey. ‘and den i poke your face like dis… poke poke poke…’

ima gonna miss that dream… lets hope i have another one. oh, by the way, vicki was a duck to. so was bertman. hehehe.

any who ima gonna go and make pancakes… cuz being happy again calls for nutella pancakes.

today was awesome. and shite. awesome, because I saw my lovers again, yay, i missed you guys, and I’m glad you’re home. miserable, because, at the moment, I can’t think or deal with anything. well, i say anything, but I don’t mean anything.

I dunno if its just because im not strong enough, or if its because im not mature enough. i dont know. I have no idea.

Im just taking a kinda time out from things, and from myself, kinda. I wanna be alone, but me + alone = disaster.

its kinda like P!nks song, Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)

have to go to my mums work tomorrow and help her do some work. yay me. it means im getting paid for it, which means SHOPPING! I deffo need shopping at the moment.

and im feeling like its deffinately time to get a tattoo now. i feel like it. I need a change.

”cutting off the phone, leave me the fuck alone, tomorrow I’ll be begging you to come home” yeahp, wow, my lyric at the moment. well said P!nk.

sorry. this post pretty much sucks a cammels hoof… wait… they DO have hoofs right?!

hummm…

x.

missed somehow… sorry