I miss this. Moments when I couldn’t help but laugh at my gorgeous goofball of a little brother until we were both out of breath.

So yesterday for some reason was pure torture. I was back at work last night working on a job that had to go out and I was literally sitting there with songs running through my head that wouldn’t stop reminding me of Bambi. It honestly was probably one of the worst evenings I have had in a very long time. I don’t even really know how to describe the feeling that was going on. The only thing I can really describe it as is all the color in the world being sucked out and having just a bland feeling about everything. I have no clue what to even think right now. And work is extremely interesting right now. Goose is officially gone as of Thursday morning, so I am going to be down an artist and down an employee. I think this will be a good thing, however I wish I were going to be down Maverick instead of Goose. Of all the employees to lose I would much rather be losing Maverick. Ugh oh well. At least at this point I might be able to get the feet back under us at the shop now.

Anywho, I am getting to bed now. Nite all

Thumper out

Regret is huge. I totally regret what I did and I wish I hadn’t have done it.

I had a great friendship with C, she was like my Mum. I know it was based on a lie, but I wish she could know what life is like for me at home. Maybe then she would understand why I did what I did. From knowing about her childhood, I know or at least hope she would be more understanding. I don’t want her forgiveness, and although I am sorry, only i can truly know how sorry i am. Sorry doesn’t forgive what i did, it’s an over used word that you have got to feel. But i generally, deep down am sorry.

Hurting someone isn’t in my nature, and when i found out how hurt she was, i felt like someone had pushed me off a cliff.

Talking to C was great. Arguments with my dad, feeling lonely, wanting to harm, all of that disappeared. Now i have nothing. It wasn’t just the talking, it was the friendship, it was being crying down the phone and her telling me to pretend she was here hugging me.

I miss all of that. I have none of that now. I wish she could know how much I’m hurting myself, maybe that would make it all better?
I want to be on the phone with her, and hear her voice.

The nights my Dad is angry, and I’m scared, i want to be able to imagine I’m in bed holding her hand.

And now, that I’m crying, i want her to say “it’s ok. Just let it go”
I messed up big time.

I miss you

I close my eyes to see her smile,
To kiss her lips, and hold her hands,
But its only for a while,
Sleep cannot live with life’s demands.

And restless though I lay,
She’s waiting for me when I fall,
Perhaps maybe some day,
When I’m awake we’ll show them all.

Life isn’t what it seems to be,
Do I sleep when I’m awake?
And dreams, they seem so real to me,
Or is this real life truly fake?

By M. Arcamede

Now that the funeral is over, and our friends and relatives have gone home, it is time for us to focus on getting back to “normal”.  We are all still grieving, which might make it hard to get back into our regular routines. The  day-to-day stuff might seem difficult but I also think that it will be a helpful distraction.

Each one of us is different, and each of us are going to  handle it in our own way.  This weekend is Drew’s school play.  He has been rehearing for months and last night was his first performance.  He did great.  Two more shows for him and family will come to each of them to cheer him on.  It has been a welcome distraction for us all.   I will be back at work on Monday.  That means lesson plans and homework for me all weekend.  It is good to be able to concentrate on something else.

I know that some days that are going to be tougher than others. We will all get back into the swing of things.  I have a feeling that grief will come on in waves.  My dad told me this morning, while driving he heard the song, “Moon River” on the radio.  This was their wedding song.  I am sure that times like that might be very intense, because there is not a sign that its coming.  Holidays will be emotional, but there will be time to prepare for those.  Small reminders in the little things we might see and hear will conjure up memories of her.  I am hoping that they will make me smile more often than cry.  Listening to particular songs and doing other activities that she enjoyed might be painful at first because of the memories we will have of mom, but I think that after a while, it will become less painful and perhaps something we look forward to doing.

I don’t think that any of us will ever get “back to normal”.  Yes, we will all get back to our normal activities, but I am sure there will be times where it might be difficult to get through the  everyday things.  No matter what, the grieving process will continue, but it will be different for each of us.

Getting back to enjoying our lives doesn’t mean that we aren’t missing mom.  As I walked through town today, I had such a strange sensation.  So many other people were there, going on with their lives.  Those that know me and knew my mom, offered sympathy to me, while others, walked around smiling and laughing as if nothing tragic had happened. Obviously, they did not know what I was going through right now  but it seemed like the whole world should have stopped just like it has for us.

The next few weeks will be a time for  grieving and rebuilding. We will all move on and we will all notice that mom will continue to live on in our memories. My blog has been such a release for me.  It lets me sort out my thoughts, while giving others a chance to read about what my mom and our family was going through.  I know that when I started my blog, “A Project for Kindness”, the idea was to look for stories about kindness and share them. It seems that I went off track a bit while blogging about her. Yet, the more I think about it, my mom embodied kindness.  Her life was built around it.  I will continue to look for kindness all around me and write about it in my blog.  I am sure that stories about my mom will appear frequently because going forward and healing from grief doesn’t mean forgetting about her but keeping her alive through our memories.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.

~Edna St Vincent Millay

One month has passed since I last heard your voice. It just seems wrong, when there is still there is so much left to say. I understand that life goes on. And if we’re lucky on and on and on. I know you wouldn’t want me to be sad. But there is a huge void because you’re not here. So sometimes I play those last few days over and over wondering what could’ve been done differently to change the outcome. I bargain and let myself go places I know better than to go. I do this with Jeremy too; it’s just a normal part of grief, I understand.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to call you up because I had something to tell you. Something the kids said or did that I knew would make you laugh. Or because there was something I wanted to complain about…knowing you’d put your spin on it making me feel better.

But you’re not here and there’s no answer. I can’t hear your voice. Or see your face. So sometimes on days when it’s quiet around here or when I’m driving from place to place I listen to the messages on my phone you left. In all honesty, they’re a pretty shitty substitute for the real thing. But somehow it’s all there is. The only plausible way to hear the sound of your voice.

Over the last few years you’d lost a lot of your hearing and I remember I’d get pretty annoyed at having to speak louder and louder. At having to repeat things. But I can’t tell you what I would give now just to have you here so that I could repeat myself. I do it again and again. And I wouldn’t complain. I swear I would scream at the top of my lungs and never bat an eye….if only I knew you could hear it.

You lived a long life (by many standards) and of course I understood that you wouldn’t live forever. I knew I’d miss you when you were gone…but I guess I just never realized it would be possible to miss you this much. It turns out it’s the little things that hurt the most. Each passing day heavier than the last because there is more and more I want to say. How could it be that I’ll never again get the chance? My mind just can’t wrap itself around that. All it used to take was dialing seven numbers on the telephone. I always knew, my whole life, that you were no more than a phone call away. And now…well now I’m trying like hell to grasp the fact that you’re not.

Even how stubborn i am, you are still the first thing comes up in my head when i wake up and the last thing exists in my mind when i fall asleep.
I miss your blue eyes , i miss your kisses, i miss… us…

And, yet, at the same time I’m afraid to get one because of what it might say. His last few emails (more than just a few, really) were rather hurtful which has made me think (believe) he cares very little, if at all, about the impact his words have had on me.

But I still look for them. I still look for him. I am incredibly fucked up about this. I feel as though I am trapped inside a small, windowless room filled with all these memories of him and I am trying to claw my way out. Because it is very dark in here and I am beginning to feel claustrophobic.

So where to even begin on what I can say right now. Ok, so I am not sure if I have already said this or not, but Bambi is without a doubt no longer talking to me, and if I knew specifically why I would tell you, but I don’t so I can’t. All I know is that I made my last try to contact her this evening, and now if she wants to talk to me she is going to have to contact me. With everything going on I can’t keep attempting to reach out to her. As much as I hate saying it though I am really missing having her to talk to. She was someone I could talk to that I knew would listen to me no matter what it was that was going on, and would be there for me. She actually is probably the only person I would actually tell everything to about what is going on right now. Not having her to talk to has definitely made life interesting because now I get to keep all of that crap inside and if/when it comes out it ain’t going to be pretty.

So it is looking like I may have to put off going to law school a year. Writing that kills me like nothing else can right now. I am still hoping by some miracle that I might be able to, but with everything that has happened this week I don’t see how this can happen. I confirmed a few things that leaves me with only a few options and the options I am left with aren’t very good. The best one I can see right now limit me to basically staying in Florida for another year and trying to get to law school next year. That has given me a frustrated feeling unlike any other. I don’t even know how to describe it. All I really want to do is to sit down, curl up into a ball and start crying. That is how frustrated I feel right now. I mean honestly I don’t know what else to do. The business here has been beating me up left and right, and now this crap coming up has left an extremely defeated feeling in my mouth right now. URG!!!!!!!!!!! I hate not being able to put more information in here because I don’t know if this is being monitored or not. And no I don’t mean by casual readers or family members. If crap doesn’t work out correctly I could end up being a one man show over here for a little bit. It might not be a bad thing in regards to finances, but I might go a tad crazy. Plus not having someone that I can/want to talk to about all of this is definitely wearing on me too.

Oh yeah, that reminds me, J pulled another one of her “I am going to talk to him while he is sleeping because I know he is asleep and he can’t hear me.” That was this morning and let me tell you, took the wind out of my sails some this morning. Long story short is that she knows a little about the crap going on right now, and so she doesn’t want me at work because she is scared that it isn’t safe. But beyond that she wants the shop shut down and me to go get a different job. I am not sure if she means it this way, but she is probably thinking that I should get a “real job”. I was offered a part time position at a place here in town, and I know there is another place here in town I could go get a job at if I needed one. Ironically both positions are working in an embroidery department, but hey that is life. Anyways, that was this morning and it kinda set the mood for my day. Aka it sucked. This has not been a good week.

I need to get going at this point. I have a ton of work here at the shop that has to go out this week and at the beginning of next, so I have to get going on that. Anyways, till the next time I am able to blog……. whenever that may be……..

Thumper out

I can’t help but think there is something really wrong with me that I can’t get him out of my head. That I still think about him. That I still find myself missing him. I don’t even know what exactly it is I miss either. It’s been so long now since I last saw him, spoke to him, was near him, that I think what I miss is the memory of him. I have been holding on to this memory of us, when we were happy, and that is what I miss. I miss it so much it leaves me with a dull ache in the pit of my stomach. And the truth of the matter is that he isn’t that man anymore. That man that I miss cared about me, this one doesn’t. This one only cares about himself. But it’s the other one that I can’t seem to let go of.

It’s torture. It’s emotional torture.

I had a bad run yesterday. I don’t know what was wrong with me, but the moment I stepped on the treadmill my legs felt really tired. I had intended to run 5 miles, but I only ran 4, and that was with several Gatorade breaks in between. I was ready to stop after 2 miles but I forced myself to run an extra 2.

I had an interview this morning, too, but I don’t think it went well. It was for a graphic design position at a sign shoppe. Meaning, it’s a place where all they do is make signs. Signs of all kinds. Not exactly my idea of a dream job, but I have to answer any job opportunities that come my way these days. The problem with working at this sign shoppe is that they only work in Illustrator. Yes, I know Illustrator, but it’s not my strong point. I know InDesign and Photohop more. I prefer InDesign, to be honest, because it’s a layout software and that’s what I like to do. But when you create signage of any kind, especially large-scale signage, you have to work in Illustrator because it’s a vector-based program. So when I arrived at the shoppe this morning I was told I would have to take a test to evaluate my Illustrator skills.

I hate tests like that.

Why? Because I’m really bad at timed tests and these skill evaluations are always given with a time limit. You’re asked to create a certain kind of file within a certain amount of time. This automatically gives me anxiety so I’m starting the damn thing off stressed out. And I’m aware of the clock ticking away the minutes. It also didn’t help that one of the guys that works there (someone much younger than me, too) was sitting next to me and I would see him look at what I was doing from time to time. I felt like he was secretly judging me. I kept waiting for him to tell me I was doing it wrong.

I managed to finish the test within the allotted time, but I didn’t feel I did a very good job. I was asked to create a “terrific logo” and to draw a house for one of the given files. Who can design a terrific logo in such a short amount of time??? First off, logos aren’t even my specialty. Second, it takes time to come up with a good logo design. And all of this was floating around in my head while I was trying to come up with a decent design. My head was full of negative thoughts and I just couldn’t think of anything good. So my designs looked like shit. I know they were shit.

The place I really want to get a call back from hasn’t called me back. They’re a marketing agency and the work they do is fantastic. Their design style is beautiful. I want to work there. Badly. I’ve already sent them my resume, twice, but have yet to hear form them. I’m starting to run low on money, too. This is adding to my stress/depression. If I don’t hear from some place soon, I’m going to have to go back to The Store. Just on the weekends for now, as much as I hate the idea, but I don’t know what else to do.

Why can’t my life get better?

J has been getting short with me about everything again. I am not really sure why, but it is starting to wear on me some. Urg I really can’t seem to focus on what to think or write here….. Oh well. I need to go because I have to go give myself a haircut and then go to Sam’s and then pick up dinner so that J can try to get a nap in today. I really miss you Bambi. Please call me. I really really want to talk to you.

Thumper out

I go in the kitchen and I light up the lights. I open the fridge and all I can see is take out Chinese food, that has stood there for nearly a week. I hate eating alone, like a wolf who lives and fights on his own. I can cook but what’s the whole point? I am alone so there’s not really a decent reason of why I should waste my time to cook at all. Instead, I throw all of the smelly Chinese food in the bin under the sink. I turn around, hoping to see anyone, but I don’t-I am all alone in the castle of mine..

I check the bar-it is full of alcohol. I take one bottle of Whiskey and pour myself some in a small glass. I even put a few cubs of ice in it. I transfer myself into the living room. It is expensive-the widescreen TV is there, the remote control is left on the enormously big glass table. I sit on the black couch and turn the TV on. I drink a sip, then followed by another; I can feel the cold liquid passing down my body. I change the channels-whenever I turn the TV is romance. I hate all those happy couples-they remind me of you. Of the history we had. Every room, every little thing reminds me of you and there is nothing, nothing I can do so I can change it.

I feel alone. I am so alone in the big, luxurious trap of mine. I try calling someone but your phone number appears on the screen of my I-phone. I hesitate calling you but then I call someone else.

She finally comes, pins me down on the bed in my big and comfortable room. She strips her clothes off, giving me an one-woman show. She uses an element of the room for a pole: she dances around it, taking her clothes one by one. I turn the player on and our song appears-the song we often made love on…

She is soon naked and comes in front of me, taking my glass of Whiskey away, giving me the opportunity of touching her and doing whatever I want with her, while she’s taking my clothes off. She kisses me deeply and lets me fuck her like crazy, to do whatever my desires want. She is here to make me feel wanted even for the night only. The more I pay her, the more faithful she’d be, the longer period it’d all last…

She moans and screams my name. I know she’s faking because I am paying her-she wants to do her job correctly, like a professional… And then, when we’re all done, she snuggles and looks at my eyes-they are grey, lifeless, eyes of a serial killer. She is scared but doesn’t leave. Instead, she kisses me and falls asleep…

I’d watch her sleep and notice every single body curve. I’d notice how big her breasts are, I’d notice the beauty-the inner and the outside one. I’d see the pain she’s going through, I’d experience it myself… I’d run my fingers gently through her blond hair and would stare at her for some time… I’d fool myself that I am not that alone as I actually am.

I’d sit on the bed and she’d be behind me. She’d wake up and silently hug me from behind. It is morning already. I have to pay her. I stood off the bed, naked and head my body to my wallet in my purse. I’d give her more than the sum she asked for. What do I need the tons of money, when I  can’t really buy happiness  and love with it?

She doesn’t take them though. She does not want to. She’s a hoe with a heart-something rare to be found. She tells me to forget about the money and hugs me. I feel the warmth of her body and her cold hands. I let go of her and remove the strand of hair from her face, before I take her arms in mine so I can warm them up. I’d stare at her blue eyes and would see my reflection-the beautiful wrapping, with something close to a soul inside of me…

She would kiss me and I would kiss her back and then we wouldn’t really be that alone. We’d be two loners, who keep each other’s company for the rest of the life, but still the castle of mine would be the luxurious prison, from which, I will be soon driven crazy…

But I don’t
You’re standing there as leaves fall on your head
I could see them there
But I won’t

As you are just a memory
Fading away,
Like nature slowly destroys his own
And creates a naked tree

So I’m looking but I can’t see
Your fading into thin air
Colliding with the wind
And one day you’ll no longer be

Not mine
Not natures
Not real
Not even a memory

My aunt is still in the hospital. She was supposed to go home today which was the day after her surgery, but no she is still there. I stayed with my grams last night at my aunts request. Tonight I got nikki to stay with her, but if my aunt stays in the hospital again tomorrow then I will have to stay with grams. Which kind of is a bummer, not because I don’t want to see her, but because i want to see my babies. Selfish, I know. Either way, family first in times like these right? So we will just have to see what happens. The surgery went well for my aunt. She didn’t look to bad either. I guess thyroid cancer really isn’t that serious, AS LONG AS IT HASNT SPREAD. Which it looks to the docs like it hasn’t. So all in in all it was a success. Which is good to hear because I don’t think my cousin could handle that. It would be yet ANOTHER, “whoa is me” excuse at not moving forward with life. If he could just let go of the drama between my aunt and him, then he could be happy. Oh no, can’t do that though, cause then what excuse would he use at not becoming a productive member of society? I know, I sound mean right? I think I just been around him and his depressed self too much. He really does feel sorry for himself. which is not exactly fun to be around. I love my cousin to death, but sometimes I don’t like his attitude. Oh well, thats family though. Stick by them regardless of how they act. 

Other than my aunt having cancer and getting it removed, everything else is going okay still. Since I am on the subject of family. I have to say, I do miss my mom so much. You know that saying, don’t know what you have till its gone? Well mom is gone, again, haha that has so much more meaning yet no, it really doesn’t considering the circumstances are way different. ANyways, I miss her and want here home. 

I miss a lot of things. Mostly people or things from my past. Miss my man and my dog! My lil family. haha. hopefully I get to see them tomorrow!!!