[Private journal entry written on July 20, 2009]

I have been feeling much better this summer. I’m sure a large part of it is because my work schedule drops to half-time during the summer, so I have had a lot more “free” time. Well, it’s not really free time because summer is when I work on my big projects – projects that are easier to do when I have big blocks of uninterrupted time in which to do them.

Photo by Martin Chen

The looser schedule has meant I have been able to better cater to my mood swings. I can stop and climb under the covers when I’m triggered. I can get up and write when I have an “ah hah” moment in the middle of the night because I know I can sleep in, in the morning. The more relaxed schedule is an awesome luxury.

I wonder if part of my feeling more stable comes from not having to deal with the drama of being in therapy – as in therapy with a therapist – I am still very much in “therapy”, just not with a therapist. It seems my relationships with therapists are a source of unnecessary drama for me. So, no therapist equals no extraneous drama.

I believe another part of my feeling more positive comes from the fact I am progressing in my emotional healing. I can feel a shift in how I relate to my history and to the world in general. I am healing. I am feeling more confident. I am experiencing a certain consistent level of hope.

True to the trend of feeling better, I went for a hike yesterday morning. It was absolutely glorious.

After arriving home, I changed into sweatpants and t-shirt and sat down at my computer. As I was sitting there, I noticed the ball of my right foot was still a bit tender from the hike – I tend to get “hot feet”, but the burning usually subsides by the time I finish the 45-minute drive back to the house.

So, I checked it out – and my right foot had a quarter-size blister that had formed in between the layer of calluses and the very new skin – and the blister had ruptured. No wonder it was tender! I had been walking on baby skin!

I sat on my bed, cleaned up the wound and put a band-aid on it. Then, I didn’t get up from the bed. Instead, I sank backwards into the pillows and flipped on the TV.

I was starting to feel the tail-tale signs of the arrival of an acute emotional nose-dive.

In the subsequent six hours, I ate two pints of B&J ice cream and drank two classic Cokes. Then, for supper, I ate a big stack of blueberry pancakes – I only had enough syrup for the first pancake, so I sweetened the remaining ones with straight granulated sugar soaked in the last dribbles of the syrup.

In between taking hits of sugar, I spent a good thirty minutes picking at my face – and I masturbated twice to hardcore Internet porn. Now I’m left asking the question . . .

Where the hell did all that come from?

How could I go from feeling so incredibly joyous and free-spirited on my hike in the morning to a raging lunatic in the afternoon? Nothing happened – no troubling news arrived, no sickening shows played on the TV, no one broke my heart, no flashbacks hit me – nothing happened. What triggered me? Surely not discovering a blister on my foot.

The good news is that I did do one productive activity – I washed and dried three loads of laundry in between all the insane activity. But, I didn’t have enough gumption to actually put away the laundry. I was too busy contaminating my body, mind and soul.

I went to bed still craving more sugar, more numbness – with my heart doing summersaults in my chest from carb overload. My head was buzzing with a band of tightness. I made a weak attempt at swearing off sugar . . .

I was having trouble falling asleep because anxiety (and sugar) was keeping every muscle taunt – every noise, every movement in the house kept snapping me awake. So, remembering a post from Faith Allen’s blog about weighted blankets being an effective soothing tool, I laid all of my pillows, including the heavy floor pillows, on top of me, the entire length of my body and on top of my arms.

Much to my surprise, the weight of pillows did the trick. Almost immediately, I felt the anxiety dispel significantly. My body started relaxing. Even the ever-present need to “be held by a some nameless, faceless, kind and gentle man” faded. I felt calm and safe, and sleep finally came. What a precious gift . . . .

It’s red-orange-yellow time!
Passion, come burn me.

Take me high,
higher,
high as you can,

so I have something to dream to
in my next blue slumber.

Since finding out the true meaning of Borderline Personality Disorder I have been pondering my past. Was it the years of sexual and physical abuse at the hands of others? Was it the fact my parents divorced when I was 5 years old? Was it the fact that neither of my parents could handle me so I was shifted back and forth between them? Was it the fact my father was always at work and because I didn’t have a dick felt the need not to hug me, tell me he loved me, or his lack of needing or wanting to do things with me? Could it be because my mom had her own depression to deal with as she grew up with me? I’ll never know the answer to any of these questions. But I can and I will defeat Borderline Personality Disorder. I have to if I ever expect to have a normal love life with anyone or even a relationship with myself. 

In reality, we can’t blame anyone but ourselves. Yes I said ourselves! Your probably thinking, “how can you say ourselves if we learned it from other’s”? Did those others hold your hand while you did what ever it was that destroyed that part of your life? No! You saw someone do something and thought that was cool, so what, that doesn’t mean you have to do it. Trust me when I tell you I have done more then my fair amount of stupid shit and I won’t stop till I die more then likely. So many people are quick to blame others for their faults or on society. How can we blame others when we control our own actions and destinies! Now, before you jump all over me, I do know the difference between our own actions and actions that are beyond our control. 

The relationship with myself will be the hardest as I hate myself to no end. On the relationship with others side of things: I’ve had true love and destroyed it. I’ll find it again someday. For me self hatred comes easy. I’m fat, can not seem to do anything right, I never finish what I start, can’t hold a job, have alienated most of my family, have no friends (no real ones anyway), and have a mental illness called Bipolar.  Boy does that suck. LOL. Now do we see why it’s so simple to hate myself? 

I see a picture of a skinny girl on TV, do I sit there and desire something that will more then likely never happen to me or do I just sit there crying, or do I get up and change the fact I’m fat and she isn’t? I don’t have to let society, friends, family, whomever, control my destiny unless I choose to let them. If I want to get off the couch one day and decide I’m going to be skinny, then thats me deciding, not society. 

My point today is we can’t keep letting others run our live in that unknown way that they do. We need to take control of our lives and get ourselves back on track! We need ourselves to be happy and healthy in order to move forward in life.

Goal #1 for myself: TAKE BACK MY LIFE!!!!!!

A Wanderer’s Mind 

Really. Since I don’t know how to say this aloud, so here I go.

I crib about overwork and stress and figuring out a work-life balance. Truth be told, what do I need a work-life balance for? Lots of work and little life. That is balance, isn’t it. What life? Really?

Stress I can focus on. Overwork is relative. Tiredness I can only fight by doing more.

Something’s missing. I don’t know what. I can’t define it, I can’t put it in words. If I were to really try, I would say its normalcy. It may sound odd and banal but coming from someone whose awkward habits go far, far beyond the pale of the normal, it shouldn’t be. It’s like missing a tooth maybe. It’s awkward but not life threatening. Is what I would like to believe.

I hate the constant cribbing and sarcasm that I maintain – I am going to bop myself over the head one of these days. Its been bothering me since forever and I need to make it stop.

Imagine expecting something at work – like lets say a promotion. Imagine thinking next that you got passed over. imagine learning a little later that there was a little goof-up. Imagine just being assured verbally it will come through. Imagine all this stretching over a week’s time. I can’t even be happy.

I wish I had never learned the word mediocre and never been scared of perfection.

If I am not hyper, its only because I don’t know any way that can help.

Little things annoy me. Extraordinarily.

Maybe its the food talking. Maggi and aerated drinks and soup did no one good.

S

Today I had a appointment with an intake counselor here in Durham. When she started talking about Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, I had to stop her before she got to far ahead of me. You see my memory fucking sucks and if I’m getting a lot of technical information, I won’t retain it. So I had to slow her down, tell her I needed the information in child language, and take notes. 

When I asked her about the difference in the two, she informed me there were only three real differences.

1) Bipolar is a chemical in-balance of the brain, Borderline Personality Disorder is something you learn as you grow up, basically a life’s lesson taught by your family, friends, and yourself as you grow up.

2)  Borderline Personality Disorder is primarily about relationships and how you perceive them, including how you feel about yourself. One minute your hot or on, the next minute your cold or off. 

3) There is no medical treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder as their is with Bipolar, just learning to relive your life.

So according to the Licensed Clinical Counselor I spoke with today, those are the only 3 real differences between the 2. Well thank you very much for someone finally explaining it to me. My next step is an intensive 90 days of therapy. First 30 days I will go to 3 different counseling sessions a week, the next 30 days I will go to 2, then the last 30 days I will go once a week. Each week will be a mix of group therapy and individual therapy. Should I decide I want to go to just one or the other therapy I will be dropped from the program as both therapies are connected with the other. The therapy sessions are called, Triumph. What the hell it stands for, I have no clue. LOL. 

I concerned about this, because the Counselor didn’t talk about sending me to Psych Counseling. She thinks the Triumph program will help me with my Bipolar in it’s own way. My concern is that the Borderline Personality Disorder will take over, leaving the Bipolar mistreated besides by the medications they will be putting me on December 10th. So I’m at a confusion point with my disease and my lifestyle traits. LOL. I think that is how I will refer to Borderline Personality Disorder from here on out, lifestyle traits, since thats all it really is.

I did shock the counselor as I recounted my life. She told me she has been bad, but never that much bad shit happening in one persons live and that person still being alive. She then said the one thing that drives me fucking nuts “you seem like a very strong girl”. Do they not see it’s all a big fake piece of existence? The hiding in a corner from the world? Help me damn it! I’m a little girl stuck inside a big girl’s body! 

Some new developments in myself that I’m coming across. 1) I’m seeing hallucinations, 2) The self mutilating has increased 3) I’m hearing voices and things that aren’t there. Woo Hoo someone call me a funny farm wagon. LOL. Thats actually what I almost told the counselor today. 

Lord help me, surely I’m not getting that bad after being so long without my medication or counseling.

A couple days ago I successfully manifested an event that triggered me in a not so good way.  It was like I was running on 100% very functional brain power, and a present day physical/mental event shuttered me back into 40% brain power, very non-functioning mode.  It was really weird.  On one hand I was very familiar with walking through the fog half functioning, being bumped like a pinball through the events of the day and the current unavoidable tasks at hand, between moments I had to just sit a bit.  My mood dropped into negative, my positive faith was challenged, and I forgot my golden bipolar rule/suggestion, when I’m down.  Don’t look ahead or behind.  If my view is crappy in the present, chances are when I think about the past, or the future, then it is equally as negative or worse.  This is huge.   If I allow this to occur in my mind for very long, it snowballs into a negative life sucks nightmare, and can triggere a very negative direction.  I also noticed the sun dipping below the mountains, and not being up for very long, a second environmental factor to be aware of and pay attention too.  For this I got out my portable LED SAD light and turned it on for awhile to help with the light deficit.

Not only was I triggered into the past negative mental states, and wandering around a bit confused disorientated and lost, the physical environment was not being helpful either.  My number one tool, for helping me with bipolar the last couple days to get through and get back on track and steer my mind around a major episode opportunity, was to pick up my book, and read.  This is why I wrote my book about bipolar.  When I am in an extremely negative state, I forget the hard earned intelligence and awareness about being bipolar.  The passage that I remembered to read, was my one titled HELP!.  Which is located on page 56 of my book “Living Out Of Darkness”.  Even though I wasn’t feeling very positive or faithful, I remembered that if I physically got on my knees, and asked for help, that it had worked in the past many times, and somehow I would get through my mental fog, fullfill my obligations, and get through this experience.  I did.  Help wasn’t instant, but I got through 1 hr after another, very carefully.  Eventually I remembered, that when I’m negative or currently triggered, it’s not a good idea to make any decisions, that I can’t put off for atleast a week.  I can feel like crap, make a rash decision, take action, and be much worse off, if instead I can just focuss on the present, take care of myself as best I can, and chances are, things might get better soon, and then make decisions and take actions.

Thank God, for God.  Thank God, for grace.

My prayer through this time was “please protect me from myself”.  Even though I lose faith, feel unconnected, if I can intellectually re-member myself with positive physical actions, and reading words that have helped in the past, then so far, I’ve gotten through, with the help of grace, everything I’ve ever manifested in my life, whether it was initially positive or negative.

Today I’m thanking myself for writing a positive focussed book on bipolar, so that I can help myself be a successful bipolar person.

Peace,

George

I can never tell the difference between these two damn Disorders. The only one difference I see is that with Bipolar you have ups and downs (maniclly speaking). So does anyone really know any real differences? Have you been diagnosed with both?  If so we would love for you to share with us what it is you do to control the both of them. 

Tomorrow is my first of many Psych Doctor appointments. I’m scared shitless about having to go back to the Doctor. Course at the same time, I never should have stopped going. But how do you force someone with no health insurance or cash to go to the Doctor? You can’t. Trust me my family has tried for years. LOL. So now its going to be medications for Bipolar as well as medication for Borderline Personality Disorder. UGH someone help me! More fucking medicine. I get so sick of taking all the drugs I do, how will i add whatever they decide to put me on. Currently, I’m on 9 medications plus 6 vitamins. 

I’m depressed! I just found out my son is very sick. I hate that I can’t be in Ohio with him, but Larry is right. I’m no good to him this way or at this point. I hate it when Larry is right but don’t tell him. LOL. If I were to go up there, which I can’t due to no money, I’d get scared, bitchy, flighty, and want to fight with my dad and his dad. Nothing a good thing when ll I want to do is nurture my child back to good health. 

I’ve started having hallucinations. I see creepy crawling things, my skin is constantly crawling as if there is a bug on me when I know there isn’t. But it’s the things I see that bother me most. Why in the fuck am I seeing this shit! I’ve never seen anything like it before. Does that mean my Bipolar is getting worse? I don’t understand this!!!!!!!

My question for the day to myself is: why do I want to live? My answer: I don’t but I won’t commit suicide either. Most people who self mutilate do just that to prevent the desire for suicide. Thats the difference in the 2. They look for a way out of the pain and transfer it to another part of their body. Sure thats not the answer, but we all do what we have to to cope. For me self mutilating is a welcome hurt. No smack me or poke me with a stick and thats a different hurt to me. That actually hurts me, self mutilating only hurts me on the surface after I’ve done it.

I watched the movie, “Almost Famous”, the other night. I feel like one of the main characters did when he climbed up on the roof and screamed, “I’m a golden god”. LOL. So many of us wish we could feel like that all the time, but when I’m on a manic episode, that is exactly how I feel. Oh hell, I just realized today is a manic day! I so dislike manic days just as much as depression days. I want to be fucking normal! Will normalcy ever be reached?

A few ways I cope

• music, course you have to watch listening to music that may trigger you.
• change eating habits
• play in the rain instead of letting it be a bad gray day
• cook, cooking can be a great stress reliever
• take photos, I drive people nuts some days taking one photo after another. LOL
• reading, sure I wont remember the book the next day, but I’ll enjoy it in that moment while I can

I think that’s enough to get started when your having a Bipolar episode or a Borderline Personality episode.

Have a great day! Will be working on my website. Be sure to come visit me there. http://www.awanderersmind.com

I have decided to start my own website since I have vast experiences with my Bipolar and helping my family deal with it. The website will include my blogs, information and sources for friends and family of those dealing with Bipolar, methods of coping for people with Bipolar, as well as a discussion board for people with Bipolar and our loved ones. I will also be starting a hotline for people to call when they feel they need someone to talk to. 

www.awanderersmind.com

The site isn’t even close to being completed, but its a start and it has a few ways to reach me in the mean-time if you need someone to talk to. So far it’s just a landing page, so bare with me as I struggle to finish it. LOL

www.awanderersmind.com

Now keep in mind, I’m only one person so if my phone line is busy, leave me a message or call back when its convient for you. More then likely the best way to reach me will be on one of the 2 messengers I use. All your information will be kept private and just between us. Trust me when I say you will help me as much as I want to help you!

I start seeing a Psych Doctor again in 2 days. Am petrified of the idea of going back to a Doctor for my Bipolar and my Borderline Personality Disorder. It just felt like every time I have to go see a Psych Doctor I get nervous of how they might react and I quit going. Mental Health issues suck. I don’t know about most of you but my mind is so clouded and foggy that I can’t think straight half the time. LOL. And here I want to start a Bipolar helpline. LOL. Nah, that I can do. I’m very good at helping people, I’m just not good at taking my own advice, like most of us. 

So wish me luck!, I know I’ll make it through the Psych Doctor intake, go home and work on my wonderful new websitea dn make someone happy that day. LOL.

www.awanderersmind.com

Have a great day everyone, I’m sure I’ll be back to write later. My mom has me making Buckeyes for her friends at work, so it might be a late night writing. LOL

When you see that your teenager is excessively moody, don’t overlook this.  Try to communicate by talking and getting to the bottom of things.  Communicate often and spend family time together.  Sometimes bonding activities (such as going out together for dinner or a game etc) of a father and son and mother and daughter is also useful to break the silence.

Here is something that will, insha-Allah help:

Every night after your teenager is asleep for 3 nights only:

1. Read Durood Shareef (Salawaat ala an-Nabi sallAllahu alahye wasallam) 11 times.
2. Surat ul-Maa’oun 3 times and blow in the right ear.
3. Surat ut-Takaathur 3 times and blow in the left ear
4. Durood Shareef 11 times again

Fast.

Bipolar fast, can be fun, if I’m prepared. I knew I would be walking into a fast day today, so I took a moment to be prepared.  Many fun and exciting things are happening as well as regular obligations I need to take care of.  I don’t really have a lot of time for idleness(one of my favorite past times).  What I’ve noticed is that it is easy for manic to kick in, ramp up the volume in my head and go way faster then is necessary.  I can also work fast, turn on idle chatter or narration, or connect with everyone, or comment on everything, or make jokes,  while I work.  Today, these are not helpful.

The biggest tool I use today, is focus.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the biggest priority.  Not 1 hr or 1 day from now, not what happened five minutes ago.  What is happening right here, right now, what is the current priority.

If I don’t know, I pause, breathe, think if I am thinking clearly, or write if I’m not.  Regain my focus and then launch again.

I also went to bed early, got up an hour earlier, and was sure to put on happy dance music straight up to get my mind in a fun flow.  I didn’t even give it a chance to think about the dramas and tribulations that occurred yesterday from travel.  I just got up, danced, and jumped into my day.

Now let’s back up; before I was willing able and aware of nurturing, taking care of and allowing my bipolar, I would have had a major blow out by now, been in full dark victim mode, possibly paralyzed in anxiety darkness or negativity overwhelmed in my chair, phone ringing, people trying to get a hold of me bigger mess building up, etc.

By purging yesterday, as best I could last night, and waking up gently today, observing my thoughts and injecting positive affirmations before my eyes even opened, I already had a head start.

The difference between dark victim mode, and ok let’s dance with this day mode, are actually fairly simple.  It’s more of a choice actually.  Yesterday in the middle of travel drama I was down a bit.  I picked up my positive daily reader, read a passage, and thought about it for 15 minutes before a flight, instead of allowing the negative spiral take me down.

Today I am grateful for being bipolar, because I was down, so hard, so long, for so many years, that because I am intimately  familiar with negative darkness in my mind, I’m much more able to quickly identify, and counteract the pattern, before it becomes disruptive.

Is being bipolar intense?  Yes.  At times.  It’s also a lot of fun to  have so many options and ways of tackling problems situations and opportunities.  Today, because of learning to be functional and having an awesome highly technical challenging job which can take me in many directions at once, I know, if I stay positive and functional, I’ll dance through just fine, and probably be able to accomplish a lot more, then if I wasn’t blessed with bipolar.

gotta go, big quick hug, peace,

George

I have decided once again to take my own recovery into my hands and not sit on the side-lines waiting to see a Psych Doctor. This blog is my first step. My second step is to force myself to do my healing the right way instead of bullshitting around topics like I normally do. I seem to avoid all the issues in my past that get to me and that for starters is the worse thing to do for someone with Depression or Bipolar. For us to let things build up till we explode is not only harmful to ourselves, but to those around us. 

Many people with Bipolar Disorder look for ways to cope. This morning I started coping. I got up and went out t smoke as I always do, I looked around outside, noticing the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, the cats prowling on the squirrels and I just started laughing uncontrollably. That helped start my morning. I then forced myself to do the dishes, eat something healthy to take my medications, then forced myself to write a “happy thought” on the Facebook Bipolar Group boards. Then came the bigger forcings: bathing, getting dressed in more then just p.j.’s, brushing my hair and teeth, and now here I am forcing myself to write positively instead of negative. That last one is the hardest thing to do since all my thoughts are negative. 

Yesterday I wanted to cut, I have no reason of why I wanted not, nor did I have a reason of “needing to”. Instead I got out into my Truck and drove off, screaming at the top of my lungs, music blarring loudly. Boy oh boy did that help. Bipolar maybe kicking my ass, but I refuse to let it win me over! 

Hello new day, good-bye Bipolar!

Just because my eyes dont tear, doesn’t mean my heart doesn’t cry & just because I come off strong doesn’t mean there’s nothing wrong 

Today, I had to go see my ex-husband to beg him to go get my medications for me. Not a happy sight since we are divorced for his abusive behavior. But they are my heart medications so it was either go with out them or ask someone and I feel I’ve panhandled Larry and my Grandma enough to last them a year, if not more.

I want to self-mutilate so bad right now, but I know I have to fight the urge. After all, thats the whole reason why I’m at my mom’s house. I have been bad about it pone too many times and fear as often as the urge is coming on that one day I might just take it too far and slice through a major artery. How can one person have so much to live for and so little left for life? I ask myself this all the time and never can seem to find an answer.

My mouth and body are in manic mode, my head is in depressed mode, driving my mom nuts right now. LOL. Kinda like it since it means I’m up doing things even if I’m in a fog doing them. Today I worked on 2 wreaths to try to sell on ebay, made fudge mini cakes, peppermint fudge mini cakes, washed Tiger (my truck), cleaned moms house and did her laundry, put away her groceries, and made 4 shoe boxes full of christmas stuff for her church to give to this organization that donates them to children. All in All her church made a 100 boxes, I made a whole 4 of them. I’m proud of myself for getting up and doing things, but like I said I’ve been in a fog doing it.

I have been walking, but it doesnt work with me like the gym did. This time last year I was doing 7 days a week, 2 hours a day. I so wish I could get back into that. I was losing weight and my mind wasn’t as bad as it is this year. I was actually proud of myself. Another thing that has me down is no money. I want to add things to my blog and in order to do so, i have to buy the domain and set it up. Can’t do much without money and I’m seeing that. But at the same time, I can’t work, my mind is too fucked up right now to do anything like working. Plus my cuts don’t look good in my line of work where your dealing with the public so most employers won’t hire me anyway. 

I fucking hate that I don’t know where I am anymore. I’m so tired, I’m waiting for sleep to come even though I won’t sleep. The last time I had a decent nights sleep was in Georgia a few weeks ago. I wish I had had more time to visit my dear friend longer……

 How many times have friends complained about some symptoms and when you mention that it could be menopause you are told, “But I am TOO YOUNG!”??? If you are a good friend you reassure them that it is “Just” menopause. If you are a bad friend you go along with them and stay of the banks of the river Da Nile. Sometimes being a good friend is not well received and it is easier to just be a bad friend, but don’t go to that dark side, stay true to your friends and lead them down the road of menopause.

 Here are the top 10 signs that you are in menopause:

 1. Night sweats. Clammy, sticky, hot then cold waking night sweats 

2. Sleeplessness. You fall asleep but then at 2 AM you are awake, or you don’t fall asleep until 2 AM.

3. IBB. Itty Bitty Bladder. You can not sleep through the night with-out visiting the bathroom around 2 AM. See number 2.

4. Hot Flashes or Hot Surges or Hot Flushes during the day, not just under stress. You haven’t worn a turtle neck in over a year.

5. Irritability. No one can do anything fast enough, slow enough, good enough, or just enough.

6. Mood Swings. Lifetime channel makes you cry and then mad then angry then happy.

7. Trying to Help Everyone. Note that Wonder Woman was young, not in her late 40’s or early to mid 50’s.

8. Menopooch. This is not a dog. This is you tummy that no matter how many kick boxing, Pilates classes you take there is a tiny meno bump.

9. Thinning Hair. Your hair dresser is lying when he/she says everyone looses clumps of hair in the shower, and on their hair brush everyday.

10. Memory Loss. This is a reassuring list. It’s not just you. Too bad you won’t remember to tell your friends, so forward it now before you forget!

I have potty brain.  To open minded men, (and of course women already know this), WE, as in the male race, have periods.  More importantly, I am having mine.  Pass the chocolate, send me to a spa, and please shut up and listen.  Ahh, I feel better already.

I wrote a blog at my last layover(1000 words) and decided it was total crap, and sent it to a dear friend.(I hope she deletes it, I forgot to write that in the subject line, sometimes I just need to send my mental crap to someone who will laugh and not take it as seriously as I am in the current moment)

I got on the plane and thought hmm.  What is going on?  Other then the fact I feel bloated fat uncomfortable restless upset and slightly pissed off at nothing, I’m FINE KEEP THE CHOCOLATE COMING.

When I’m quiet, I’m not always peaceful.  When I’m quiet, busy, and not communicating with people, uh, Houston, a problem is brewing.

A)  I can ignore it, and watch my mouth or my actions get me into big trouble soon.

B)  I can let myself become aware of it(like trying to write a blog instead of writing a rant)

Writing is my number one tool for dealing with bipolar today.  Write, Write, Write.  The reason is, I’m quiet, moody, haven’t been having real conversations with people lately, and I can feel my ears becoming horns, and my smile becoming a grumpy snarl.

By writing out a blog, erasing it, writing out another, erasing it, and finally taking an hour to perfect a “justified” anger blog/rant, I realized, I was way behind on writing.

When things are going well, I sometimes cut back on my daily routine a bit.  I’ll rely on a quick prayer, meditation, and reading a spiritual thing or too.  I usually cutback on writing about what ever is going on with me, this is when the yellow caution light on the control panel in my brain needs to start blinking.  Silly me, thinking I’m in charge, knowing what is best and when it is supposed to happen, and don’t need to bother dwelling within.  OOOOPS!  Nice try George, better luck next time.

This is when my shit shelf, starts to collect unresolved issues,

which start to simmer and boil until a perfectly good innocent:  target/issue/cause/moment/person/frustration, allows me to spark an eruption.

With any kind of luck, I became aware of this one soon enough so that I can write out everything that is bugging and upsetting me, call someone who cares enough and knows me enough to listen, and not let me get away with thinking I am a victim, and be ok again.  It’s not complicated, it just takes practice and willingness to allow myself to become aware of when something is off, and wanting to do something about it before I make a mess.

Thank you for helping me with my potty brain today, and sorry if I ate all your chocolate, I’ll be good for it next time you need some ; / }.

Now, WHERE is the nearest spa, I need a massage.

George

At least thats what it is doing to me. I have no energy, no desires, no means to move forward. A very dear friend of mine can’t stand to see the person he fell in love with this way. Thank god he lives in Georgia so he doesn’t have to. He does try to give me motivational words, tips, and techniques, but it’s finding the will and the strength to use them that hurts me. I want to do nothing but hide from the world, crawl under a rock, or lay down beside a fallen tree to hide. I have yet to learn the meaning of peace in all my 38 years.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar in 1995, but I personally think I had been misdiagnosed for years for as long as I can remember I have been this way. My Bipolar cycles stay for long periods of time. I don’t have short cycles, I have seasonal cycles instead. Early fall, late spring are the worst for me. They are when I want to self mutilate the most. I don’t understand it. 

Everyone is always telling me how smart of a person I am, some say brilliant, I say “your full of shit”. I can’t see it. I never finish a project I start, and I don’t move forward. How does that make me brilliant? It doesn’t! Today my mind is so jammed with things flying through it I can’t pick one from the next. Simple things take me hours to decipher, heavy things take me weeks to decipher. Most of the time, I just wing it and do something whether the decision was right or wrong for me. Bipolar has killed my mental thoughts.

Some days I act like a child, I feel those are my good days. Other days I act and live like an adult, those are my mediocre days. The bad days, I’m a hermit, troll, vampire hiding from the rest of the world like the hunchback did in Notre Dame. I don’t know how much longer I can do this or go through it.

Once I had been moved to the psychiatric ward near home, my psychosis receded but I sank into a deep depression with anxiety.  I was in over the Christmas and new year period so the normal activities were not on and so I became very, very bored.  So I spent my days chain smoking.  There was a TV but I couldn’t concentrate on it and sometimes found it to be distressing.  I would go to bed as early as I could to try and shut myself off from the world, but I had to wait to be given my medication first.

I started to get home leave which meant I could go home for a few hours to start with and then I got a whole day and night.  I was so anxious about just about everything.  After a few weeks I broke down in front of the psychiatrist (a different one from the previous ward, who would become my outpatient doctor) and said that I just wanted to go home.  I was to my amazement allowed to go home that day.  I had to see my social worker before I could go.  I was elated.  It didn’t last long.  I got a taxi home and sunk even deeper into depression which lasted for two years.  I won’t go into much detail but it’s by far the worst depression I’ve ever had.  Unfortunately I didn’t tell my psychiatrist how bad it was because I was afraid of being hospitalised again.  This in retrospect was a mistake because I could have been put on antidepressants earlier if I’d been more open.

I had my anipsychotics changed because they were putting me at risk of osteoperosis and were also making me feel so flat that I couldn’t function.  I was then changed again because the new ones were causing terrible nightmares and significant weight gain.  I went from a size 10 to a size 18 without any change in diet.  Once on the new antipsychotic I dropped most of the weight to a size 12, again without any change in diet.  I was then put on an antidepressant and rapidly gained back all the weight I had lost.  They helped my mood to a degree but not enough so I was changed again, twice.  Now I’m on an antidepressant which helps my mood but I get a lot of dreams and am still overweight.  I’ve tried eating a sensible diet, that had no effect, so I tried reducing my calories again and again, no effect.  I noticed I was eating very little and became concerned about slipping back into old habits and decided just to eat a sensible diet and just try to come to terms with being overweight.

I started having mood swings again about two years ago and was put on a mood stabilizer which seems to have helped as long as I don’t get too stressed.

I’m relatively stable now and starting to piece together my life bit by bit, but it’s taking longer than I had hoped.  I’m also hoping that my next post will be “my recovery from mental illness part 1″ 

dear you…yes, you. the unknown person readin’ this.

there are plenty of things in my head. i dunno where to start but there are so many unhappy things that i need to write bout before it explodes in my head and well, let’s just say it won’t be pretty when that happens.

1. i know i’ve always been different. it’s always been me against the world. even when i was young, i would be the tomboy pickin’ fights at the playground. ok…i wasn’t really pickin’ fights but i sure as hell would not let anyone bully me. i remember fightin’ with a boy at the top of a slide. i can’t remember what it was bout but i’m very damn sure he was auntie aruno’s son.

so anyways…growin’ up, i’ve always been different from the normal girl next door. in loyang valley, i was the only girl in the group of boys who loved to play police&thief and the many hours of risk and monopoly. I would be playin’ rounders with the boys and i was a violent player; people had to made sure they didn’t stand near me as i was battin’. i remember i was the only girl who showed up to join the softball team. i felt shy for some damn reason and trotted off to join the netball team instead. blah. i should have stood my grounds and just joined them.

and what made me different from everyone else? and this, is somethin’ that has always been a problem for everyone else, but me….the way i speak. an accent they say i have. angmoh wannabe they said. i do not understand why i should be shunned upon just coz’ i didn’t speak like they do and that i grew up with people from all over the world that their different accents rubbed off on me. i didn’t purposely decided to pick up an accent. i can’t turn on or off the accent as and when i feel like it. it just comes. but this has also been the talk of the different schools i attended. it was only in university that i felt accepted. that i was complimented for the way i speak coz’ to the westerners, us singaporeans CANNOT speak good english.

not only that…i was picked on coz i wasn’t like them. i didn’t like the same music or speak their lingo. i was labelled as the weirdo. i was called all sorts of names. i remember one time, i was even called a mamasan. i dunno how that came about and when i went to a teacher about it, i was just brushed aside. and people wonder why i hated school in singapore and totally enjoyed my time in aussie.

2. a lot of the times, i feel like i’m a disappointment to her. nothin’ i do seems to be right. the choices i have made always seem wrong in her eyes. at least that’s what i get from her. i may be sensitive and paranoid coz this is me we’re talkin’ bout but i am very certain my insecurities are not 100% uncalled for. my biggest accomplishment seems like nothin’ coz i’m constantly reminded of others who have triumphed in their respective fields. what she don’t realise is that i was there all on my own tryin’ to find myself. i was there when resources were scarce. i was there strugglin’ to stay alive. i was there when i needed people the most. with recent developments in the career department, i can’t but feel that she is even more disappointed. that i am not like the rest. that my past, present and future have been dodgy, shady and shaky.

3. i don’t wanna care bout this group of peeps. i have enough nonsense on my plate as it is. but coz’ this group of peeps are very dear to him, that i, in turn, become bothered. what is up with them? what is goin’ on in their heads? there are plenty i have to say bout them but don’t think i should now. i am angry. and anger don’t bring about nice words. but this i will say, “you will regret your actions, one day. at least i hope you will. coz’ when you do, you will realise what is right and what is wrong.”

4. i wanna go paintballin’! i hate it that the boy has gotten me interested so much that i feel jealous that he’s goin’ for trainin’ this sunday and i’m stuck here coz i have not renewed my passport. boo!need to renew passport. need to get nice picture taken. need to edit that photo somehow. need to do lots of things first before can renew passport. ok, not a lot of things but sorta. xtreme estrogen may take part in a tourney in december, in jb. that will be interestin’. to see how we fare as a team. God willin’, we’ll have enough girls to play that the boy can take a seat and just coach us. it’s not that we don’t want him but really, it defeats the purpose of an all girls’ team, yeah? but he will always be a part of the xtreme estrogen. honourary member. hehe i hope i can be a good paintballer. i wanna be good. i haven’t been good at somethin’ for a long time now. i wanna be a respected paintballer. not some wanna-be. and i wanna make my baby proud of me coz’ he’s the one who got me started.

5. i miss my perth family. i miss ali shariff, ken kyumbu, maria zenetti-milo, vishali mohan, dheeraj daswani, dennis langat, tony kirui and most importantly…i miss the perth-me. i miss bowling on whoever’s birthday. i miss the chix kebab from the tav and the chips from alto’s. i miss sittin’ by the foreshore eatin’ ice cream in the night of winter. i miss walkin’ into curtin grounds. i miss bakin’ to kill time. i miss runnin’ at nights and the many random dinners. i miss margeuax, mustang and champions bar. i miss bein’ a student and i even miss woolies and coles. i miss the impromtu roadtrips and the crazy ideas we come up with as we sit around, bored. i miss aussie.

6. the boy is snorin’. poor baby must be super exhausted. it is rainin’ outside and i wish he didn’t have to go to work in a couple of hours. i wanna snuggle in bed with him. but i’m thankful that he’s stuck around. i’m thankful that what i thought was a casual catch up/get-to-know session was actually a date. coz now, i belong to him and he has saved my life. i love you baby…so much. more than you can ever imagine.

Really – I have just been too damn happy to blog.  It’s a first.  I’ve been too tired to blog, too depressed, too angry, too busy – but I’ve never been too happy to blog.

I was hesitant to blog even this because I almost feel guilty for being so happy.  I feel like I’m getting away with something and will soon discover that smiling this much is illegal. 

I literally have no complaints about my life right now.  Everyone closest to me is healthy and happy.  I’m relatively healthy.  The band sounds great!  I’m in super crazy stupid love with Kerouac.  Teddy adores him.  My money situation is currently comfortable and stable.  And even my work life balance and stress levels have mellowed.  

I’m so deep in my soul satisfied right now that I almost don’t know what to do with myself except to be on guard.   Because it is a fact that no one in an office likes anyone to be happy and I’m fully aware that I could be struck by a flying stapler at any time.

It.is.ALL.good. 

And still there is that little voice… something’s going to mess this up.  This too shall pass.

Wow, I get to be in Geek School and learn all about how information gets from one person’s laptop to another.  Holy Cow, bat man this is fun, look when I type this here it does this, wow.

aaa, george.  excuse me George, yeah, aaa, what???

I was anti-enthusiastic when I got up this morning to go to a class in geek world(those of us who figure out how to make geek toys work, get together and study ….oh never mind), I’d be happy to explain further but I can tell everyone’s eyes are at half mast and the attention span never was.

Which is why I made a decision today about 1/2 hour into my class to get into it. I’m not actually sure if this was a conscious decision or a healthy pattern.  I didn’t notice I had become enthusiastic until my lab partner couldn’t contain it anymore and burst out laughing.  I asked him is everything ok, did you miss something did you want to go through the exercise again??

No he said, “How come you are so enthusiastic and excited about a * instead of a # showing up on the prompt”

Not realizing my external audio circuit(mouth) was still on I said, “ya gotta celebrate the little victories, my forehead used to be round until I pounded it flat on keyboards trying to make geek world work…”

Realizing I was now confirming his opinion that I had indeed lost it in his presence and I was now officially part of the Borg(Star Trek(major geek movie reference)), I was fortunately able to run into the control room in my brian and turn off the mouth.   Whew, that was a close one.

Deep, dark depression, ugly moments/years, between my ears, have lead me to celebrate with great enthusiasm the smallest victories in my life.

When I had a head/bookshelves/backpacks, full of positive practical metaphysical thoughts, and little or no results, the positive side of me learned to become very patient, and celebratory when positive thoughts or experiences would emerge.

It’s kinda weird just like sometimes my external audio circuit(my mouth) will turn on by accident and confuse people, sometimes my face detaches.  I can walk around with a frown on my face and actually be happy, or so focussed on trying to being happy, I’m unaware of being unhappy.  When I had a ratio of more dark to light thoughts, as best I could I dwelled on the positive ones.  I could walk through really boring or dramatic times, and be totally focussed on the occasional positive thought or positive spiritual technique I could attempt next time I was willing.

Enthusiasm  has become a very powerful ally for me in my life with bipolar.  My first thoughts in the morning, and a healthy daily routine are not always light and willing.  Yet, when I allow myself to discover something silly or inane to get excited about, it can open up unexpected joyful days.  Enthusiasm’s biggest ally I’ve discovered, is my happy inner kiddo.  When I give myself permission to get excited and goofy in boring situations, my imagination can light up a room or a task in a heartbeat.

Today, I am grateful for all the dark years with bipolar, because I learned patience, enthusiasm, and deep gratitude for the little things in life, especially when they go better then expected.

OOOPS!  I almost forgot,  My iphone ap is done!!! And it’s availible for download through the ap store, aaaandd.  I have press releases coming out.

I have all the links on my webpage www.livingoutofdarkness.com

May your evening be filled with a deep serenity of a day well lived.

George

so i had left the old place. and i am lucky…i just got affered a position at another place. as much as i should feel excited and go YAY!..i’m not. i dunno what it is that is holdin’ me back. but there is somethin’. but i need a job. and i need to get paid. so yeah…i guess i should give it a go.

we were in kl over the weekend for the grand finale of my-npl 2009. karma did well. they got a podium finish. though they got fourth, the team did fantastically well as abg halim was there to manage them and give them stratigic tips and advice.

i was the only crew member there. well there was supposed to be one more crew member but well…yeah. not tryin’ to be snobbish or anythin’ but seriously….some people just don’t think of consequences. they only think of…what’s cool and what’ll be fun. blah!

my-npl 2010 will also be the platform for xtreme estrogen. we decided it would just be easier for the boy and most importantly for abg halim, should we want him to be around. and i reckon we should pay for him to be there. there’ll be a lot of difference…i know there will be. but first, i wanna have the team do more specific paintball trainin’ sessios…

i wanna shoot at peeps. i need to get some aggression out. i’m so stressed out..its not funny.

righto…gotta go shower.

Instead of feeling like my normal 32 year old self, I feel like a woman in menopause.  I have had the worst hot flashes lately–last night while making dinner the hot flash was so bad that I started stripping my clothes off in the kitchen.   I live in Michigan, so walking around in shorts when it’s 50 degrees out is kinda strange.   I had a few more today what weren’t as bad as the one last night, but it’s such a weird feeling when it happens.

I’m not sure if it’s the Clomid or Premarin causing the hot flashes.  I’m leaning toward the Clomid, simply because Premarin is a drug docs put menopausal women on to STOP some of their menopause symptoms.    Only other thing I have noticed is that I get a headache everyday now.  I’m used to getting monthly migraines, but not every single day.  I’m hoping those go away soon.

I have been trolling on other TTC/infertility blogs lately and I’m amazed that there are so many other women who are in the same boat as I am.  I thought about joining up with some message boards because since I haven’t told anyone that I have started this grand adventure I have no one to share the ups and downs with.   So, if you’re reading this–just leave a comment and say hi

While on these boards I have become more up to date on all of the TTC lingo out there–my favorite euphamism, “baby dance,” (abbreviated BD) as in…husband and I have to do the “baby dance” every other day in order to maximize our chances of conceiving.   I guess this is more polite than the other ways one could describe the act itself.    I still don’t understand all of the lingo/abbreviations…but I’m getting there!