I put a lot of effort into my relationship with my husband. We have a good loving relationship. I make him feel special. I make him feel like I really care about him, which I do.

I stop what I’m doing when he calls me from upstairs and I go see what he wants. Why? Because I want him to know I love him.  I turn his computer on in the morning so that when he sits down it’s ready to go to work. A small thing but it’s appreciated. I look for small things I can do for him to make him feel loved and appreciated. He buys me flowers for no reason. He will make a special dish for dinner because he knows I like it. I appreciate it. When I go up to his office for something I stop and give him a kiss.

It takes work to have a good relationship. It doesn’t just happen. Left on it’s own the relationship will deteriorate into “why did I marry him?” or worse yes “I can’t stand him”. You see, statistics show that within 24 months the “I’m so in love” stage wears off. It happens to everyone. Know that it will happen and that it’s normal. You have to move on to the next phase of your relationship, which is really a more comfortable life. But, too many people think they have fallen out of love. It’s not true. That’s where you get “I love you but I’m not IN LOVE with you”.

It’s just that the head-over-heels love has disappeared. Now a real love can settle in. Mort Fertel, who is an expert on fixing broken marriages says “The key to succeeding in marriage is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found.”

If you are looking to always have the bells and whistles, stars and fireworks kind of love you are going to have to change partners every two years. Because that adrenalin rush kind of love WILL wear off within two years. Then you have to work at it, like I do, every day.

What can you do to improve your relationship today?

According to marriage expert Mort Fertel, founder of www.marriagemax.com the website for information to help weakening marriages, and also to strengthen healthy ones,…  date night is a critical component to a healthy relationship.  Let’s be honest, if you have kids like we do, getting out on your own is not tops on your priority list.  We have struggled with the idea ourselves.  We see the relevance, but do not have babysitters knocking down our doors to watch our three little munchkins.  We utilize our family for emergencies, but hate to waste a babysitting “favor” on just ourselves.  That could be your problem too.

In his program, Mort suggests taking time for our marriages and relationships by making them a priority like we do other things.  A healthy relationship is one of the best gifts we can give our kids.  Not only does it create a quiet happy home, but it helps us to lead by example to help our kids see how a healthy marriage works. 

Mort has a great CD program “Marriage Fitness” available on his website you can get for additional help in your relationships.  According to his website “Marriage Fitness is an innovative step-by-step relationship-changing system that will save your marriage. You’ll learn to neutralize your problems and put into practice a system of relationship habits that will shift the momentum of your marriage. And the best news is—you don’t have to dig into your past, dredge up your problems, or practice communication techniques. This is not marriage counseling; it’s Marriage Fitness!”  It’s a great program, we have it too!

Now back to date night…we have started to get into the date night theme by trading overnight kid stays with my cousin.  She has 2 small kids ages 2 and 3, and we keep her kids overnight one weekend night, then we trade off our 2,5 and 7 year old to her for another weekend night. The kids love the time with their cousins and consider it a treat, and we get to go out without paying a sitter or having to wake up early the next morning.  (It’s a marriage made in heaven!)   It may not be every week, (once a month is closer to average), but it’s a start!  Thanks Mort for the great advice!  We’ll see you at our website:  http://www.TheRealParents.com

How to go from Me to We
by Mort Fertel

SECRET 4: GET INVOLVED

==========================================

Have you ever heard the phrase “You are what you
eat”? This catchy slogan from the fitness
industry reminds us that how we “spend” our
calories determines our health. Want to be fat?
Then eat lots of fat. Want to be healthy? Well,
you get the idea.

When it comes to your marriage, I would say, “YOU
ARE WHAT YOU DO.” In other words, how you and
your spouse SPEND YOUR TIME determines the
strength of your marriage. Spend it together and
you’ll feel connected. Do your own thing too
often and you might sleep in the same bed, but
you’ll feel worlds apart.

At the beginning of your relationship, you
probably had no trouble spending lots of time
together doing just about anything. And, in fact,
SHARING TIME was exactly what CREATED CLOSENESS
between you. But as the years went by, you
probably took up separate interests, and began to
spend more and more time apart.

Many couples are very good at coordinating
compatible lives. He’s got his schedule. She’s
got her schedule. Some couples sleep under one
roof, but they lead COMPLETELY separate lives.
You can achieve compatibility like this (like you
had with your college roommate), which is not a
bad thing, but you won’t have a good marriage.
You might manage your family fine, but your
relationship will NOT be fulfilling. And you’ll
be lonely. You might not be alone, but you’ll be
lonely.

Our culture today promotes independence. We even
have something called the “Me Generation.” But a
strong marriage requires a “Move from Me to We.”
Love requires SPENDING TIME TOGETHER and being
involved in each other’s lives. It’s not about
being independent; it’s about being successfully
INTERdependent.

Do you remember when you used to visit each other
at work? Meet each other’s family and friends?
Help solve each other’s problems? Ask each
other’s opinions? Learn about each other’s
interests? That’s the ticket!!!!!

Of course, I know this doesn’t sound appealing if
your marriage is on the rocks. You may not feel
like being together. But which comes first, a
good marriage or involvement in each other’s
lives? Which is the cause and which is the
effect? The answer is: involvement or
interdependence is one of the primary ingredients
for a successful marriage.

At the end of my public seminars, I do book
signings for those who want an autographed copy
of Marriage Fitness. I’m always fascinated at the
interaction between couples.

“Honey, should we Marriage Fitness Home-Flex or
the Marriage Fitness Audio Learning System?” she
asks.

“I don’t care,” he responds. “Get whatever you
want.”

I’m listening to this and thinking, “How could he
miss this opportunity.” Not the opportunity to
decide between the two products, but the
opportunity to connect with her – to get involved
with her. She didn’t care what they bought. She
didn’t want an answer, she wanted company. She
wanted his involvement.

As I write this report, I have a couple I’m in
private sessions with named Jon and Michelle (not
their real names). Michelle and Jon agree that
they’ve “grown apart” over the years. They used
to do everything together. But then Michelle
decided to open a shop downtown. And Jon took up
golf which he does like he does
everything – obsessively.

Jon and Michelle want to make their marriage
work, but they don’t share passions anymore and
their living separate lives. Most people think
that’s the kiss of death for a marriage. IT’S
NOT. If you want to make your marriage work, you
can USE EACH OTHER’S PASSIONS to create a
connection.

I advised Michelle to find a way to include
herself in Jon’s golf game even though she wasn’t
interested in playing. Through our discussions, I
discovered that Michelle hated golf because as a
child her father never let her drive the golf
cart when he played. So I asked her, “Michelle,
how would you like to drive the golf cart now?”
Michelle smiled and said, “I would love it.” So
now, every once in while, Michelle’s partner
works the store alone and Jon gets his own
personal golf cart driver.

And we did the same with Jon. Jon spends all week
immersed in his business. The thought of him
going into his wife’s shop on the weekend and
dealing with more business was nauseating. In
addition to golf, Jon liked to spend his weekends
using his hands fixing things around the house.
Jon is really a closet blue collar guy. So I
turned to Michelle and I asked her, “Michelle, do
you have handyman work at your shop?”

“Are you kidding,” Michelle answered, “It never
ends.” Ta dah! The shop got a new handyman and
Michelle and Jon moved “from me to we.”

It’s important to note that the
reason this worked for Jon and Michelle is NOT
because Jon got a driver and Michelle got a
handyman. Even if Jon was a terrible handyman,
this could have worked FOR THEIR MARRIAGE. It
might have been bad for Michelle’s business, but
it would have been good for their marriage. They
key is personal involvement – not utility. It’s not
about improving anything except your marriage.

You may or may not be able to relate the Jon and
Michelle’s situation. In the Marriage Fitness
Tele-Boot Camp, I work with you to find
meaningful ways for you and your spouse to get
involved in each others lives. Once you find
those ways (and we always do!), it’s like magic.
Think about it. How could you get more involved
in your spouse’s life?

Getting involved does not necessarily mean that
you have to do the activity together. It could
mean that you watch the activity, plan for it,
pack for it, budget for it, buy supplies for it,
or research it in preparation for discussion.

How you get involved depends on you, your spouse,
and the interest. There are endless
possibilities. The goal is to GET INVOLVED in
some way so your spouse’s interest becomes part
of your life too.

As you get involved with your spouse’s interests,
be cautious about how you involve yourself. Don’t
show up unexpectedly at your spouse’s weekly card
game. Be intelligent and sensitive about it.

Then engage your spouse in discussion about the
topic. Ask questions. Show your interest.
Consider purchasing a thoughtful gift that
relates to your spouse’s interest. In time,
explore with your spouse how you can get more
involved. Be assertive, but make sure you involve
yourself in ways that are agreeable to your
spouse.

The chances are good that your spouse’s interest
doesn’t interest you. If it did, you would
probably already be involved. This exercise is
challenging in that regard. It takes discipline.
It’s not an exercise in choosing compatibility;
it’s an exercise in CHOOSING LOVE. Your interest
in your spouse’s interest is irrelevant. Your
interest in your marriage is the key.

Consider a father whose son developed a passion
for baseball. One summer he took his son to see
every major league team play one game. Their
travels took the entire summer and cost a lot of
money, but it did wonders for their relationship.

Upon their return the father was asked, “Do you
like baseball that much?”

“No,” he replied. “But I like my son that much.”

Are you aware of the the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp?
It’s a 7-week at-home relationship-transforming program. All
you need is a telephone and the desire to change
your marriage. And if your spouse won’t do it
with you, you don’t need them either. There’s a
Lone Ranger Track where you learn how to
single-handedly improve your situation AND
inspire your spouse to join you in the process of
renewing your marriage. For more
information or to register, go to
http://www.marriagefitness1.com

Warm regards,

Mort Fertel, Author & Founder of Marriage Fitness

www.marriagefitness1.com

For more information, visit http://www.marriagefitness.com

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU MARRIED THE RIGHT PERSON?

By: Mort Fertel

During one of my seminars, a woman asked me a question. She said, “How do I know if I married the right person?”

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, “It depends. Is that your husband?”

In all seriousness, how do you know? How do you know if you married the right person?

Here’s the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love – because it’s happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, “Did I marry the right person?” And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully) THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love.” Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

And, make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable – you can “make” love.

Marriage Fitness a step-by-step system for making and maintaining love in your marriage. And the program works for any marriage even if only one spouse does it.

If you want me to walk you step-by-step through the marriage renewal process, I suggest the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp. It’s a 7-week intensive private HOME-BASED marriage transforming program that includes 7 tele-seminars, 3 Q & A teleconferences, a 15 CD home learning kit, a complete workbook and personal journal, an autographed copy of Marriage Fitness, a members-only web site, 1-on-1 private sessions with me, and much more. And all you need is a telephone. You don’t have to go anywhere. For more information, click here.

If you can’t wait until the next boot camp begins or if you don’t have 7 weeks to turn things around, then order… MARRIAGE FITNESS HOME-FLEX A 9-Phase interactive multi-sensory relationship-changing self-guided system that gives you everything you need to transform your marriage. And the best news is . . . you get it all tomorrow! For more information or to order, click here.

If you need help with your marriage, at the very least get yourself the MARRIAGE FITNESS AUDIO LEARNING PROGRAM. It’s a 5 CD starter program that you’ll find to be an invaluable guide to renewing your marriage. For more info or to order, click here.

www.MarriageFitness1.com