I could have easily re-posted the 58 emails we exchanged over the course of just one evening talking about our mothers and the relationships we have with them. We laughed, we cried, we admitted to not always being the best of daughters and that more than a few of us, *ahem*, still have not told our moms about this site. Our discussion had enough material to keep Lifetime, Sandra Bullock, and Diane Keaton in business for at least a few more years. (Nancy Meyers! Call us!)

Today for Mother’s Day, we’ve posted a series of posts for our moms and featured the athletes they find hot. Or at least cute. Or maybe know the names of. So scroll down the site and say hi to our mothers, because you know your mom probably loved this guy…

Happy Mother’s Day!

(Let’s hope they don’t read the archives. Or figure out how to look at all of our posts via the tags.)

I could have easily re-posted the 58 emails we exchanged over the course of just one evening talking about our mothers and the relationships we have with them. We laughed, we cried, we admitted to not always being the best of daughters and that more than a few of us, *ahem*, still have not told our moms about this site. Our discussion had enough material to keep Lifetime, Sandra Bullock, and Diane Keaton in business for at least a few more years. (Nancy Meyers! Call us!)

Today for Mother’s Day, we’ve posted a series of posts for our moms and featured the athletes they find hot. Or at least cute. Or maybe know the names of. So scroll down the site and say hi to our mothers, because you know your mom probably loved this guy…

Happy Mother’s Day!

(Let’s hope they don’t read the archives. Or figure out how to look at all of our posts via the tags.)

First, the actual email I sent to the rest of the Ladies predicting how this whole thing would go down, and then the real conversation I did have with my mother. (Where she uses the word “handsome” quiet often.)

This is going to be the conversation -

“Why are you called ‘TheStarterWife’? Are you and #### getting married? You’re not going to run to Vegas without me are you?”

“Ok. Who is Gigi Grazer? Do you know her?”

“Oh. Yes. Well, do you have the book so I can read it?”

“But if the book is so bad, why do you use the title for a nickname?”

“Oh, so she married a producer who gets her books published. Well you can have books published. Are you still writing? You know people ask me all the time if you are going back to comedy. You really should do that. I thought you were very funny. Why didn’t you tell me about this blog? What is a blog again?”

“What do you mean I cannot tell anyone about this blog. You’re extended family loves you would love to read this. They’re always asking about you. Maybe I’ll send it to your cousin Sue in San Francisco. She writes for all those websites you know. Are you going to your cousin Charlotte’s wedding in July? Have you booked your flights?”

“Now, sweetie, I can hear when your gritting your teeth through the phone.”

And how it really went:

“So mom, um, yeah… before you go I need to ask you something. I’ve been writing on this website with a bunch of other girls about hot athletes and I need to know if you have any favorite hot athletes I can post for Mother’s Day.”

“Hot athlete… “

“Don’t worry if you don’t have any, I can always just throw up a picture of Mark Hamill or Paul Simon.”

“No, no… um… You know, I always did like Broadway Joe.”

“Joe Namath? Really?”

“Yeah, and OJ Simpson was really cute.  Though, you cannot use OJ Simpson. Don’t say that.”

“Well, he was very good looking.”

“Don’t say OJ Simpson. What about that quarterback for the Broncos?”

“John Elway?”

“No, the one when they lost the Super Bowl.”

“John Elway.”

“No, the one they lost in the late ’70′s with Orange Crush. You’d be too young to remember.”

Sounds of me stumbling for sports almanac… “Craig Morton? I’d have to see a picture.”

“Maybe that was him. He was really cute.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t say Mario Lemieux.”

“Mario Lemieux goes without saying. He’s Mario.”

“So I have Joe Namath, OJ Simpson, Craig Morton, and Mario Lemieux.”

“Don’t say OJ Simpson!”

“Mom, people liked OJ Simpson, he was in all those Naked Gun movies…”

“I know! It is such a shame how he went bad. He won the Heisman you know.”

A brief moment of shock that my mom knew about the Heisman winners. “He was in all those commercials too. The whole thing is just awful.”

“He was also in that HBO series about football…”

“1st and 10.“

“Right. Back when HBO first started doing original programming.”

“Back when Delta Burke was skinny. Same time they had Not Necessarily The News.”

“Yep. When Delta Burke was skinny.”

“I think Delta Burke is back to being skinny.”

“OH! You know who I just met the other week and he was really handsome, Dwight White.”

“The Steeler? Where were you that you met Dwight White?”

“He was a charity event I attended for volunteers. He was very handsome, and was very patient and stayed and answered questions and signed autographs for everyone.”

“He was part of the Steel Curtain. People love their Steelers.”

“Yes certainly they do. Use Dwight White. He seemed very nice.”

Mom – Now that I have sent you a link to this blog, please do not share it with the rest of the family.  And don’t read the archives!  Anything I might have said that insinuated gambling or drinking to excess was just used for dramatic effect.

I didn’t have a picture to use of the both us that I didn’t think I looked fat in, so I am using this picture of the two of us.   

(StarterSister looks more like you.) 

The ‘rents were in town this weekend so I thought I’d take the time to ask her about her all-time favorites, mainly because that gave us something to talk about other than my unemployment…

Dad: You really need to find a source of income. Your neighbor is going to notice that you’ve been eating out of her bird feeder.
Me: Maybe, but I’ve never been more regular. Mom, who were your favorite athletes when you were my age?
Mom: Which neighbor? The one with the perm or the lesbia—what?
Me: You know. The sports stars you thought were the hottest.
Mom: I get them confused. They both wear Crocs. Hmm… that’s a tough question.
Dad: If you mention Wilt Chamberlain, I’m leaving. And getting some disinfectant.
Mom: I’d have to say the Lone Ranger.
Me: He doesn’t count.
Mom: Why? He rides a horse. That’s a sport.
Me: I just—
Dad: I like roller derby.
Mom: What’s this for?
Me: I’m writing about it.
Dad: And beach volleyball.
Mom: Is this for that website? The one you won’t let me read?
Me: No, of course not. It’s for the church newsletter.
Dad: And that commercial where the girl washes a car.
Me: So what about football players? Joe Namath?
Dad: Or Y.A. Tittle?
Mom: Doesn’t he do our taxes?
Dad: Red Grange?
Mom: I really never liked football.
Dad: That’s Jimmy Candor’s fault.
Me: Who’s Jimmy Candor?
Dad: This football player she grew up with who used to put her in a trashcan every day.
Me: —
Mom: He did. Every day. And he’d sit on the lid.
Me: —
Dad: Your mother was the original Oscar the Grouch.
Mom: I think Jimmy’s in prison now.
Me: Let’s try again. Did you play any sports?
Mom: Croquet. I hit Bob Taylor in the head with the mallet once.
Dad: What happened on the second date?
Mom: I hit Ray Ellis too.
Dad: He’s definitely in prison now.
Mom: And Phil Powell.
Dad: That was at the class reunion. Last summer.
Mom: I never liked those things anyway.
Me: This is going well. Did you watch sports?
Dad: Your mother didn’t have a TV.
Mom: Yes we did!
Dad: They did puppet shows instead.
Me: <sobs, considers stabbing self with pickle spear>
Mom: Oh! Is race car driving a sport?
Dad: If there’s a chance of incineration, it’s a sport.
Mom: Then it’s Fireball Roberts!
Me: Who’s he?
Dad: Someone who was incinerated.
Mom: Yes, definitely Fireball Roberts. I loved him.
Me: Perfect!
Dad: You have some birdseed in your teeth.

Yes, he exists. And it’s not at all troubling that my mother was attracted to someone who looks like he recently escaped from a chain gang.

Meanwhile the woman on the left (who is not my mother) is looking for the source of his nickname.

Edward Glenn “Fireball” Roberts had a successful 15 year career as a stock car racer, was voted one of NASCAR’s 50 Greatest Drivers, and is enshrined in the International Motorsports Hall of Fame. There is a street named for him in North Carolina, allowing you to drive your car on a road memorializing a man who died while driving a car.

Miss Autolite smiles because she donated her pants to the war effort.
Miss Pontiac laughs because the war is over.

If Mr. Roberts had lived a generation later, he certainly would’ve earned NASCAR’s highest honor, a rear window decal of Calvin pissing on his race car number.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

I can grudgingly agree that he is handsome, especially when he’s pitching and you can see the fire in his eyes. However, the mere fact that he wears pinstripes makes me want to break out in hives. But she likes who she likes, even though she couldn’t tell you where he just spent the last three seasons, or how many games he’s won in his career, or any other random fact.

She gets all a-twitter whenever Pettitte pitches, and she loves his glare. “Those eyes – they have such passion in them!” (Ew, I don’t want to think about my mom thinking about passion!) “That chiseled face!” (Mom, his chin looks like a butt!) And when she found out that he was a devout Christian? She swooned, ladies and gentlemen, she actually swooned! Never mind that I’ve told her that Carlos Beltran is also a devout Christian and even uses a Christian song as his intro music! The fact that she chose a Yankee as the object of her desire will just have to be one of the many areas where we disagree.

But, because of the awesome-osity of my mom, I’ll let it slide. Happy Mother’s Day to the best mother in the world! I don’t think I would’ve made it without you.

First, the actual email I sent to the rest of the Ladies predicting how this whole thing would go down, and then the real conversation I did have with my mother. (Where she uses the word “handsome” quiet often.)

This is going to be the conversation -

“Why are you called ‘TheStarterWife’? Are you and #### getting married? You’re not going to run to Vegas without me are you?”

“Ok. Who is Gigi Grazer? Do you know her?”

“Oh. Yes. Well, do you have the book so I can read it?”

“But if the book is so bad, why do you use the title for a nickname?”

“Oh, so she married a producer who gets her books published. Well you can have books published. Are you still writing? You know people ask me all the time if you are going back to comedy. You really should do that. I thought you were very funny. Why didn’t you tell me about this blog? What is a blog again?”

“What do you mean I cannot tell anyone about this blog. You’re extended family loves you would love to read this. They’re always asking about you. Maybe I’ll send it to your cousin Sue in San Francisco. She writes for all those websites you know. Are you going to your cousin Charlotte’s wedding in July? Have you booked your flights?”

“Now, sweetie, I can hear when your gritting your teeth through the phone.”

And how it really went:

“So mom, um, yeah… before you go I need to ask you something. I’ve been writing on this website with a bunch of other girls about hot athletes and I need to know if you have any favorite hot athletes I can post for Mother’s Day.”

“Hot athlete… “

“Don’t worry if you don’t have any, I can always just throw up a picture of Mark Hamill or Paul Simon.”

“No, no… um… You know, I always did like Broadway Joe.”

“Joe Namath? Really?”

“Yeah, and OJ Simpson was really cute.  Though, you cannot use OJ Simpson. Don’t say that.”

“Well, he was very good looking.”

“Don’t say OJ Simpson. What about that quarterback for the Broncos?”

“John Elway?”

“No, the one when they lost the Super Bowl.”

“John Elway.”

“No, the one they lost in the late ’70′s with Orange Crush. You’d be too young to remember.”

Sounds of me stumbling for sports almanac… “Craig Morton? I’d have to see a picture.”

“Maybe that was him. He was really cute.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t say Mario Lemieux.”

“Mario Lemieux goes without saying. He’s Mario.”

“So I have Joe Namath, OJ Simpson, Craig Morton, and Mario Lemieux.”

“Don’t say OJ Simpson!”

“Mom, people liked OJ Simpson, he was in all those Naked Gun movies…”

“I know! It is such a shame how he went bad. He won the Heisman you know.”

A brief moment of shock that my mom knew about the Heisman winners. “He was in all those commercials too. The whole thing is just awful.”

“He was also in that HBO series about football…”

“1st and 10.“

“Right. Back when HBO first started doing original programming.”

“Back when Delta Burke was skinny. Same time they had Not Necessarily The News.”

“Yep. When Delta Burke was skinny.”

“I think Delta Burke is back to being skinny.”

“OH! You know who I just met the other week and he was really handsome, Dwight White.”

“The Steeler? Where were you that you met Dwight White?”

“He was a charity event I attended for volunteers. He was very handsome, and was very patient and stayed and answered questions and signed autographs for everyone.”

“He was part of the Steel Curtain. People love their Steelers.”

“Yes certainly they do. Use Dwight White. He seemed very nice.”

Mom – Now that I have sent you a link to this blog, please do not share it with the rest of the family.  And don’t read the archives!  Anything I might have said that insinuated gambling or drinking to excess was just used for dramatic effect.

I didn’t have a picture to use of the both us that I didn’t think I looked fat in, so I am using this picture of the two of us.   

(StarterSister looks more like you.) 

But then there’s Dan Marino.

My love of Dan Marino comes straight from my mom. When my mom was teaching, her students could always curry favor with her by bringing her Dan’s news clippings or football cards. By the time they both retired in 2000, my mom had a sizable shrine to No. 13 in her classroom. Every year, during her Pennsylvania studies unit, she made sure one of her students did a report on the Pittsburgh native. Hysterical with joy (and drunk off my ass) I once called my mom to do play-by-play when Dan made a surprise appearance with a bunch of other Pitt football greats during halftime of a Pitt football game (“AAAA! MOMMY! DAN MARINO IS HERE! AT THE FOOTBALL GAME! YES, RIGHT NOW! DAN! MY MOM AND I LOVE YOU!”)

We stay up late on Wednesday nights to watch Inside the NFL. We admire how devoted he is to autism research. We cried when he was inducted into the Hall of Fame. For obvious reasons, we imagine that we’d like his wife, Claire.

And we think he looks pretty damn good in royal blue…

teal…

or beige.

I remember when Namath’s commercial came out and the big question was, “Did he shave his legs or not?” We watched the Packers all the time and Starr was today’s Peyton Manning. These two are actually when I was a teenager.

Even though I didn’t really follow tennis, we tuned in to watch John McEnroe, the “bad boy of tennis.” It was kind of like going to a hockey game to watch the fights.

I like Freddy Couples too. He’s played a long time even with his back problems and he’s cute even with gray hair and a great smile.

Here’s the story on Pete Rose, but change the names to protect the innocent (namely me):
The company was flying me to Las Vegas to pick up a flight later that day (called deadheading) and who should I sit by but Mr. Hustle himself. What it boiled down to was he asked me how much he would have to pay me to call in sick and stay in Vegas with him. If I recall, he wanted to know if $50-60,000 would do it. Needless to say, I thought it was a joke and he was an arrogant ass.

Also I remember that people would come to our seats for autographs and he was gracious about it until they walked away and then he pretty much made shit out of them. That was disappointing.

Happy Mother’s Day Mother Lady Andrea!

Happy Mothers’ Day, Momma.