So often in hearing the stories of women in my research I get a sense of mothers living on the ledge of their lives–out there all alone, sleep deprived, recovering from childbirth, spinning plates to care for an infant and other children, trying to or having to get back to work. For mothers struggling with the emotional complications of depression and anxiety, that ledge is all the more dangerous. On one side, medical and social sciences tell women that they know what is wrong and how to make it better–maybe even how to “support” her. On the other side, institutions and systems of poverty and inequality tell her that when she comes off the ledge and back inside her life, if she can–nothing is going to get better. Support is an illusion. I have known many women on that ledge.

Despite some of the best science over the last 30 years–as many as 1 in 4 women experience depression or anxiety around the childbearing period. The rates are higher for women of color. The rates are higher for young women. The rates are higher for poor women– and still higher for women with less education. What are we missing? We are missing what MotherWoman embodies–pragmatic implementation of evidence based science, informed by the lived experiences of women with perinatal emotional complications, and the social, historical and economic contexts that shape parenthood today.

In short, MotherWoman gets it. They get that postpartum depression and anxiety don’t exist in isolation from the pathologies of poverty, injustice and power. They get that inequity and lack of policies that support mothers (paid maternity/paternity leave, affordable childcare, earned paid sick time that permit, if not promote, the gaps through which the most vulnerable fall. MotherWoman considers the health and well being of the woman, while addressing how she got there in the first place, and what might be done to not only get her to safe ground, but to get rid of the ledge altogether.

More and more women are on the ledge. Maternal mortality is a real concern capturing national and global attention, funding, and research. When we ask about the connection between maternal mental health and mortality, about suicide, homicide, interpersonal violence, lack of a living wage, inequity in pay, no funding for childcare, racial gaps in prenatal care, and divisive policies that keep women uninformed, unprepared, and on the ledge of their own mortality–it would seem the concern turns elsewhere, as if there were no connection between women’s mental health and mortality outcomes. This is an unfortunate oversight we can no longer afford. The time has come to change paradigms of maternity care, research, and policy to a view that sees no separation between a mother’s mind, body, culture, community, resources, and environment as vital components in shaping her health and wellbeing. MotherWoman has made great strides toward creating this new paradigm.

I have had many conversations with MotherWoman’s Liz Friedman and Annette Cycon over the years. I am lucky to consider them colleagues. And I am heartened by their model of advocacy that both understands and integrates community-based support and the power of women to heal through direct connection to the truth. MotherWoman acknowledges the truth about the experiences of motherhood–the great joys as well as the heart-breaking sorrows. They understand that solutions must come through truthfully facing a social climate in which motherhood is a personal burden, where social policies provide little if no support, where science divides maternity from mortality, and an environment in which our limited resources are greatly diminishing.

And somehow through that truth, MotherWoman has not failed itself by selling out to the overwhelming pressure of social media meme-a-thons. They do the work. They work their mission. The mission works. Mothers are powerful. Together we can change the world.

Jeanne Watson Driscoll and me

First and foremost, I was going to get to see my friend Mariann Moore, Executive Director of the Hudson Perinatal Consortium, whom I hadn’t seen since exactly a year ago, at the last event here at the Charter House.  She is such a warm, caring, and truly lovely individual.  I am so glad I met her at the 2010 Postpartum Support International (PSI) conference in Pittsburgh.

Second,  Jeanne Watson Driscoll PhD, PMHCNS-BC and  Shari I. Lusskin, MD, two very big names in the field of perinatal mood disorders, were speaking in depth about postpartum depression (PPD), postpartum PTSD, postpartum OCD, and postpartum psychosis.  Unlike past sessions of theirs I attended at past PSI conferences, they had a couple hours or so a piece to go over their topics in depth.  Both of them have traveled extensively to share their knowledge of perinatal mood disorders with people all over the world.  I especially LOVE to listen to Dr. Driscoll, because she has a tendency to get all fired up throughout her presentation, and I appreciate her sarcastic humor and directness.  She has her audience cracking up, and I love that about her presentations.

Third, it was a great opportunity to meet conference attendees whose professions entail working with mothers suffering from perinatal mood disorders.  Among those I had the pleasure of meeting was Lisa Madden of MMC Moms.

Fourth, it was a rare opportunity to be away from the office and do something I really enjoy, which is being in the company of such inspiring individuals–all with the scenic backdrop of the Manhattan skyline.

Last, but certainly not least, I was paid the ultimate compliment with Jeanne Watson Driscoll buying a copy of MY book and asking me to sign it, when it was HER book that taught me so much about the biology behind women’s moods. It was her book “Women’s Moods” that helped me understand how and why reproductive hormones  set women apart from men and represent all of the key vulnerable times in a woman’s life.  It helped me understand that women are at the greatest risk of depression and anxiety when they are undergoing dramatic hormonal changes, and it’s during these times in which major biochemical changes occur. Throughout her talk, Dr. Driscoll emphasized the importance of healthcare practitioners to listen carefully to the different puzzle pieces of their patients and to put them together to come up with the appropriate diagnosis and treatment plan that is right for each individual, since each person’s experience is unique.  There can only be an effective diagnosis if a new mom knows to see a doctor early and the doctor suggests a comprehensive examination that takes everything—physical, emotional, and psychological symptoms and external stressors and circumstances—into consideration.

Throughout my book, I reiterate the importance of bedside manner, evaluating the patient as a whole, and educating the patient about the biology behind their illness.  If I had someone like Dr. Driscoll to help me when I was suffering from PPD, I would not have suffered as much as I did.  But then again, if I hadn’t suffered as much as I did, I may not have been as motivated to share my own PPD experience with others through my book and blog!  So, I guess you can say, things happened for a reason!

As I state in my book, for some strange reason, the impact of hormones on women’s mental health is, even now in the twenty-first century, largely ignored. There is simply no excuse for this.  I told Dr. Driscoll that we seriously need to find a way to clone her so patients everywhere can get easy access to therapists like her and we need many more like her that are as passionate about and dedicated to educating people on perinatal mood disorders and realizing the necessity of treating/evaluating patients as a whole , just like we seriously need to clone Liz Friedman and Annette Cycon of MotherWoman for their training and support for mothers and their families!

Just in case your Sunday doesn’t include time for you, the Mother, to relax and have fun the way you like to have fun instead of the way you’re supposed to have fun on the holiday that is purported to celebrate motherhood but often somehow includes extra chores and/or commitments for the aforementioned honoree—and if you happen to live anywhere near Northampton, MA—do this on Friday and then you can go along with whatever shenanigans have been planned for you on Sunday without feeling even a wee bit resentful (I know, YOU never feel resentful, but Pokey does, and as usual, she’s projecting).

CELEBRATING MOTHERS: Arts Night Out: A Mother’s Day Celebration!

Music, art & poetry about motherhood at Northampton Arts Night Out in Thornes Marketplace (2nd Level) on Friday, May 11th from 5-8pm. Come join The Nields as they perform songs from their new CD, The Full Catastrophe.

Enjoy work by local artists (Donna Estabrooks, Robin Freedenfeld, Katy Schneider and others),  poets (Amy Dryansky aka PokeyMama, Liz Friedman and others) and writers (Avi Nathman, Karen Bayne and others) honoring mothers and their contributions to the arts.

Food by Paul & Elizabeth’s. Sponsored by Impish and MotherWoman.

While little kids everywhere are hard at work on handmade cards, macaroni necklaces, and sponge-painted ceramics, I’m going to take a moment to share an alternative idea for this year’s Mother’s Day.

You’ve read my ranting over contrived “debates” surrounding motherhood, and my wish that the media focused more on issues and policies that really matter and need addressing. So this coming Mother’s Day, I’d like to focus on an organization that not only talks the talk, but actually does something about it.

MotherWoman is a non profit that is dedicated to supporting and empowering mothers in hopes of creating “positive personal and social change for ourselves, our families, our communities and the world.”

They offer training for health care providers and community members who are in direct contact with mothers. They teach them about various postpartum challenges (including postpartum depression), how to be advocates, supporters, and helpers, and they teach them how to talk to women in a way that removes the stigma that has been attached to PPD.

They provide facilitated support groups for new mothers – safe, supportive spaces for women who have been thrust into the various challenges of motherhood, offering them a place to vent, commiserate, be championed, and most importantly, realize that they are not alone.

They offer facilitator training, so that anyone can learn important skills that will support and empower mothers within their own community.

They also work hard to raise awareness about social and economic issues that face mothers. They take the lessons they learn by interacting with the community and attempt to change policy in hopes of advocating and supporting mothers on a larger, more wide-spread level.

Their philosophy is simple, but so incredibly crucial:

• Mothers are powerful. Together we can change the world.
• When mothers are valued and supported, we are more successful in all areas of our lives, benefiting our children, families and communities.
• Creating communities of genuine respect and non-judgment for all mothers increases our collective power.
• Laws and policies that support families benefit everyone.

Tonight’s post is about….you guessed it…MOTHERS.  Not hard to guess, considering my blog is devoted to maternal mental health.    Mothers have the toughest, yet most rewarding job…. a job that in this society often gets taken for granted…and is an unpaid one at that.  After all, isn’t being a mother an instinctive, no-brainer kind of thing? <shaking head vigorously>

My post from last night mentioned motherhood myths and societal attitudes that don’t help, but rather make motherhood all the more challenging.  The end result is that the new mother often finds herself isolated both in terms of perception and in reality when it comes to having adequate social support.  The motherhood myths, societal attitudes, and social support are things I actually tackle in depth in my book….and I might add, with great relish.  Because I really LOVE to combat false notions that are detrimental to mothers!

Today’s post is about MotherWoman’s latest mission….and what better time to announce as Mother’s Day approaches!  I can’t agree more with the following, which lies at the very heart of that mission:

When you support a mother, you uplift her family.
When you uplift a family, you strengthen their community.
When you strengthen a community, you change the world.

The theme is the same as what I’ve said before and I’ll be happy to say again:

A healthy and happy mother means a healthy and happy family.

Isn’t that the truth?  Yeah, you know it!!!

MotherWoman’s latest mission, which I think is absolutely critical, is to raise $10,000 for scholarships by July 2nd to enable 25 community leaders and professionals working for nonprofits to take a 3-day MotherWoman Support Group Facilitator Training to learn how to provide peer-led support to moms.  This year, the training is taking place in Massachusetts, New Jersey (in June…I plan to be there), Washington, and Guatemala.  There have been requests for training in other locations, which is a wonderfully encouraging thing to hear, because we so desperately need more support groups for mothers out there!!!!  Coincidentally, I was just saying this in my post last night!

Please take a few minutes to watch this video and hear about the impact this project has had on four mothers and how they are now giving back to other mothers by leading MotherWoman Support Groups in their communities.

Please consider helping to support the project by donating and/or spreading the word about this mission to others on Facebook, Twitter, your blog, via email, or even in person!

Click here to donate and see some of the neat perks to donating.  Any amount would be appreciated! 

Also, if you are interested in applying for a scholarship yourself, contact Liz@motherwoman.org.

What caught my attention was the following quote from Gwyneth:

“We think that it makes us bad mothers or we didn’t do it right, but it’s like, we’re all in this together. I never understand why mothers judge other mothers, like, ‘What do you mean you didn’t breastfeed? What do you mean you didn’t do this?’ It’s like, ‘Can’t we all just be on each other’s side?’ It’s so hard anyway. Can’t we all help each other get through it? There’s a shame attached to it because if you say, ‘I had a baby and I couldn’t connect to the baby,’ it’s like, ‘What is wrong with you?’”

Yes, yes, yes….100% with you on that Gwyneth, as I’m sure many moms would agree as well.  Basically, this is the age-old let’s-judge-other-moms-rather-than-help-each-other thing.  Or let’s-keep-quiet-because-I’m-too-ashamed-to-let-others-know-I’m-not-the-perfect-mom-that-bonds-immediately-and-breastfeeds-instinctively thing.

If we’re so gung ho on breastfeeding, then the goal of breastfeeding advocates should be for every mother who needs help to get it whenever and wherever it’s needed.  Just like my past post on breastfeeding and a section in my book in the chapter on motherhood myths, don’t assume that every mom breastfeeds without any issues.  Don’t make a mom feel bad if she decides not to breastfeed for whatever her reason may be.  One should refrain from judgmental tactics. And don’t assume that every woman has smooth pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum experiences.  Why do these myths, or attitudes, need to exist, anyway?  What purpose does it serve, other than to crush the self esteem of a new mother?  How about helping out a fellow mother instead of judging, criticizing, isolating, gossiping?    Let’s say we do away with these myths and attitudes?  Let’s come up with solutions in the form of peer-led new mom/postpartum groups, like MotherWoman and Santa Barbara Postpartum Education for Parents (SBPEP), all across the country.  In cities, suburbs, and rural areas.

And Gwyneth also speaks for moms like me who suffered from PPD and understand that it’s awareness that will empower and make a difference for mothers.

“That’s why I talk about it, because even the awareness of it started to diminish it…..Because I didn’t feel like I’m dying or I’m crazy — period. It’s like, ‘Oh, this is a thing. This is a real thing and these are the symptoms and I have them all.’”

As I stated in the introduction to my book reading last Thursday, I wrote my book based on what I was so desperate to find when I was suffering from PPD myself—comfort, hope of recovery, and helpful tips and facts to help validate that PPD is a real illness with physical symptoms and needs treatment, just as any other illness like diabetes has physical symptoms and needs treatment.

Knowledge is power.

Knowledge–which in the case of PPD, is gained by talking to others and reading about it on blogs, in books, and in articles on the Internet and in magazines–has a tremendous normalizing effect.

Knowledge is key in keeping fear at bay, since fear typically rules in the presence of the unknown.

Knowledge about PPD–what it is, what the symptoms are, and whether you’re at risk–will make you less likely to panic over what is happening to you, less likely to feel helpless and hopeless, and more likely to know where and whom to seek help from immediately.

Knowledge of what is causing you to feel the way you feel can help minimize these very negative feelings. Never hearing any other mothers say they’ve experienced any of these negative feelings, you may end up thinking, incorrectly, that you are completely alone in what you’re experiencing. Not knowing that PPD is causing these feelings, you won’t know what’s wrong with you and fear, needlessly, that you will never return to your old self again.  I didn’t know what was happening to me, so I feared needlessly that I would never return to my old self again.

Let’s keep the conversation about PPD going.  By keeping an open dialogue about PPD going–be it via written format on blogs, books or magazines or in day-to-day conversations we have with others or on TV and/or radio if you have access/connections to media outlets–we have a much greater chance at combating the stigma behind perinatal mood disorders and any other challenges a new mom faces.  Let’s come up with ways to support mothers and increase public awareness!

Come join me for the first book reading/signing event for my newly-released book “One Mom’s Journey to Motherhood: Infertility, Childbirth Complications, and Postpartum Depression, Oh My!”  I’m excited….and nervous at the same time!

Here are the details!

Date:    April 26, 2012 (Thursday)

Time:   7:00 PM

Place:   Odyssey Bookshop, 9 College Street #4, South Hadley, MA 01075

I am excited to announce that MotherWoman (located in the Five College area) will be co-hosting the event!  Program Director, Liz Friedman, will start the event off with information about perinatal mood disorders, why social support is so critical to new mothers and their families, and the mission, philosophy and information about MotherWoman’s Mother/Postpartum Support Groups.

Liz will be followed by a number of mothers in the community who would like to share their postpartum (depression) experiences.

The event will conclude with:

• Book excerpt reading
• Q&A  for MotherWoman and me
• Book signing

Hope to see you there!

It’s Pokey’s Birthday!

Not MY birthday, but the birth-day of this here blog, and that notorious character I’ve come to love,  who’s me and not me, which of course is total narcissism, but hey, it’s MOTHERS DAY, so cut me some slack, willya?

Yes, a year ago I made my first post, and here I still am, 32 posts later. The game plan has shifted a bit, but the basic purpose remains the same: to tell my story, aloud, to a few folks who are listening, and hope that what I have to say somehow speaks to them (to you, dear reader), and if in speaking it helps make motherhood a bit less of a Byzantine knot for somebody, at least temporarily, then Pokey’s doing her job.

An unexpected but totally value-added bonus in writing Pokey Mama has been those of you who stop by, comment, and lead me to your own work. I love hearing from and about you. Thank you.

As most of you know, I don’t post every day, and sometimes can’t even post once a week, which goes against the whole blog zeitgeist of filling up your in-box with reminders of my very important existence,  but it’s what works for me, and not at all coincidentally,  it’s what I can manage as a Mother AND…

Today, for example, I had every intention of writing a long, introspective piece on Mother’s Day and my mother and how that’s shaped me as a mother, etc., but it didn’t quite work out that way. I had a lovely morning  that began with breakfast prepared by my husband and delivered to me on the screen porch by my children, but said repast and respite was followed shortly after with a variety of obligations and fun stuff and now it’s 5:00 and some of us are grumpy and even though I snuck up to my room with permission to disappear I was followed by a certain individual who is now snoring beside me, exhausted, no doubt by the meal he prepared 8 hours ago. It’s a mite distracting.

Happy Mother’s Day!

However, if we mothers are good at anything (and we are very good at a great many things) it is rolling with the tide. Mother moon is setting her example, showing us how to go with the ebb and flow, a little flotsam, a lot of jetsam, heavy weather and patches of flat-out boredom, we wax and wane.

I know—that’s Sailor Moon, not Mother Moon, which is exactly my point! If I’ve learned anything in my now (almost) 13 years as a mother, it’s that sometimes it’s best to let go of expectations. Thus, the 10 minutes I have left to finish this post.

OK, Pokey is really not so calm about the situation. She whines much more than accepts, but today being her birthday she feels rather…mature. Also, Pokey is tired, which helps enormously with the acceptance thing.

Another time I’ll write the post that was in my head for today. Chances are it will be nothing like what I thought it would be. In the mean time, I will settle for this few minutes of quiet (except for the snoring) with you, and two VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS:

1) The winners of the Big Poetry Giveaway are…Rebecca Reid and Beth Girshman!!!

Rebecca will receive a copy of my first book, How I Got Lost So Close to Home, and Beth gets a copy of the new anthology, Morning Song: Poems for New Parents. Yay Rebecca and Beth, and thanks to all who entered my very sophisticated contest.

2) In honor of Mother’s Day, Mother Woman has put together a beautiful video “This House is Strong,”with an original song by the Nields (Pokey interviewed Katryna here a while back). You can see/listen to the video here.

Hope somebody’s making you happy today.

One is MotherWoman’s moving video dedicated to all the moms out there.

The other is Katherine Stone’s 3rd annual Mother’s Day Rally for Moms’ Mental Health.  If you haven’t been over there yet, then please go on over there now and throughout the rest of the day until midnight. I had the honor of participating in her very first rally in 2009, a few months after I first took to blogging.  Each hour on the hour, Katherine is posting a letter written by a mommy blogger or author to new moms out there.  All these wonderful ladies are sharing their insight on motherhood and/or perinatal mental health. What a great way to not only observe Mother’s Day but spread awareness of perinatal mood disorders that occurs in one of out eight new mothers!

Please remember that Mother’s Day is NOT just a Hallmark occasion.  I agree with MSN.com that it should be a month long and mothers should be celebrated in one way or another all month long.  Do something nice for a new mom you know.  Reach out to her. Give her a call and ask her how she is doing and offer her some help.

I’d like to highlight the following excerpt from the article:

It is one of the most incredibly well kept and unfortunately well kept secrets that we have about the postpartum period. We think it is all happy. We think that we will be joyful and supposed to be loving our experience as mothers. It is not the reality. One in eight mothers experiences postpartum depression.

The MotherWoman vision is to have a postpartum support group for every 2,000 mothers across the country. Their goal is to ensure no mother goes without the support they need to get through PPD.  These are truly wonderful goals that are so desperately needed in our society today, due to our lack of a social support model that–with family living farther and farther apart, more and more women with careers and fewer neighbors being available to provide community support – used to be much, much more prevalent in this country.  Not to mention our societal view–or myth, if you will–of the perfect, or super, mother. 

Click here for more about MotherWoman, including its mission, philosophy, and Mother/Postpartum Support Groups.

Please go to my previous post on Social Support and why it makes such a difference for new moms to not only have adequate practical support but emotional support as well in the first  postpartum weeks.

Brava, Liz!  You and MotherWoman are such great inspiration for other PPD survivor mamas!  Thank you for taking your own experience and wanting to make a positive difference for other mothers! 

In an email today, Tony Porter said:

“Thank you for all your kind words and your tremendous support in getting this message out to men.  Your blog is great.”

I’m back from TEDWomen after learning, one week before, that I had won the TEDWomen’s Contest sponsored by AOL and Blackberry for my work at MotherWoman.  I was asked what my TEDTalk would be, and in only 500 characters, I spoke about my experience with severe postpartum depression and the fact that PPD is the leading complication for new mothers. In fact 1 in 8 moms will have PPD (40-50% of moms in poverty), screening is not routinely done even though there are free and accurate screening tools, and there is very limited access to treatment for most moms even though with treatment women recover quickly.

I, with my colleagues at MotherWoman, am changing that.  We have created the MotherWoman Support Group Model and are bringing it national this year with our first ever National Institute that will be training facilitators nationwide making our support groups available to moms everywhere with the goal of 1 support group for every 2000 mothers nationally.  Well, I said all of that in 500 characters  and won the TEDWomen Contest! An incredible honor and an incredible challenge. That’s right. I had one week to organize my life for an experience that would change me so profoundly that I could actually feel the neurons in my brain creating new connections as I sat, listening to one brilliant, inspiring speaker after another, for two full days.

If I only had to worry about myself, it would have been alright.  My three year old and eight year old didn’t think it was such a great idea for mommy to leave for 4 days, but I knew it would be a defining moment in my life and thus a defining moment for them as well.  Well, that’s turned out to be more true than I originally thought.  My interior landscape has been recreated and I am clear that my capacity as an individual, and ours as a people, is far greater than I ever imagined.  What I didn’t realize is that my relationship to my children and my goals as a parent would also be profoundly impacted.

One of the first talks that TEDWomen has made available on the internet is one of the most significant to me personally and it struck a cord with the entire audience.

Tony Porter spoke about his experience as a man and his understanding of the Man Box; the rules of manhood that keep every man tightly locked into behaviors, attitudes and definitions.  It was clear as he spoke that he is one of the “good” men and it was also clear as he spoke, that he has made some horrible mistakes in supporting the abuse of women and limiting the humanity of his own son.  And so he created the bridge that every person at the conference needed – a way to include men in this essential conversation about girls and women.

Our men are good.  Our men are battered.  Our men want to stand up for what is truly right.  Our men need brave leaders who are willing to speak about the abuses that men have suffered and create the path to men’s embracing of their true humanity so that we can stand arm in arm to fight violence against women, violence against men, violence against our planet.

The theories that Tony shared about manhood and the idea of the Man Box are not new.  The Oakland Men’s Project, now defunct, has been talking about this issue in their work against the violence against women since the 1980’s. I, in fact, used the Man Box exercises and this framework with teenagers in the early 90’s.

What is true, and sad, is that these ideas have not adequately been propagated in the mainstream as they need to be.  Thank you to TEDWomen for bringing Tony to a larger audience!  I am hopeful that all of us together will get the word out in a much bigger way.

In the hopes of getting the word out about Tony’s theories on manhood and share some excellent resources that have been around for quite awhile, I have put together a list that will help each of us to continue this conversation and do the internal work that we each need to do to fully include men in our essential work of ending violence against women and creating the world we all want, together.

Please add more resources in the comments if you have any. Thanks!

Man Box Resources:

1.  Tony Porter’s TEDWomen Talk — If you haven’t had a chance to watch Tony’s TEDWomen Talk yet, do it!  If you’ve watched it, show it to a man you love.  Show it to the parent of a boy. Show it to your father.  Share it with your son.  It won’t shock your teenager.  He already knows about it.  He just doesn’t talk about it.  It will be a relief to say it outloud.

2.  Hand in Hand Parenting — If you have a young son, like Tony and I do, here is an excellent resource that will support you to examine your parenting and help your son stay out of the Man Box.  Patty Wipfler, of Hand in Hand Parenting, has been doing this work as long at the Oakland Men’s Project and her focus is on supporting parents to allow children to have their full feelings while supporting parents to create listening parent partnerships. Her list of articles is excellent and have been my guide through many moments of parenting my young children.  This woman is my mentor.

3.  Free to Be You and Me — Another speaker mentioned this resource for children from the stage at TEDWomen.  This is a children’s music and story album that Marlo Thomas made with Alan Alda, Diana Ross, Mel Brooks and many other artists back in the 70’s.  Those of us raised by feminist parents of that era could sing you every word and repeat every line of it to you.  (Watch out, if asked I will definitely do this!)  It is the quintessential anti-gender stereotype album full of incredible stories and songs that, sadly, are just as relevant now as they were when I was a girl.

The most relevant song on the album about the Man Box is the song “It’s alright to cry” performed by Rosey Grier about a boy who apologizes for crying and his school principal, a man, singing to him that “it’s alright to cry, little boy.  I know some big boys who cry too.”

When my son was 2 years old, we played this album all the time and this was his favorite song. Now as an 8 year old, he still sings it and he wants to play the album for his 3 year old sister.  Noah knows that I support him crying and showing me his full feelings.  He also knows that the rest of the world often doesn’t get it.  He brings his tears home and often has to hold it together at school.  I’m so glad I gave him the strong messages that I believe that real strength, for boys and girls,  comes from being able to cry.  From crying is born the ability to heal, to have new thoughts and to remain flexible.  This is how human beings have an open heart and foster compassion.

4.  A Call to Men is Tony’s organization doing incredible work to end violence against women. I just spoke with him via email and he specifically asked me to share “Breaking Out of the Man Box” to this list of resources, as well as “Dedicated to Daughters” a book that A Call to Men did with the NFL.  All three can be found on his website:  acalltomen.org.

The Oakland Men’s Project, not in existence any more, is where much of this dialogue began or got written down.   This is where the original Man Box exercise was developed.  Go to Paul Kivel’s work and check out his book Men’s Work: How to Stop the Violence That Tears Our Lives Apart.   Here is a step by step guide in how to lead the Man Box Exercise that Tony referenced. There are more materials you can find by searching Oakland Men’s Project, Paul Kivel and Tony Porter.

5.  Dar Wiliams – When I Was a Boy- And lastly, cause I just have to, there is one song that speaks to this issue so profoundly and makes me cry every time I hear it. Dar Williams, singer/songwriter, wrote a song about life as a young girl before her gender role was so tightly assigned. Listen all the way through to the final verse for her reflections on the Man Box.  The song reflects on the quest for freedom from the tight constraints of gender conditioning.

It’s time to take this 30 year old conversation about the condition of men and put it in the center of our pursuit to end violence again women, not just for women, but so that our dear sweet men and boys can have their own true humanity.

Join Liz Friedman on Twitter and on Facebook . You can learn more about her work at MotherWoman.

Remember this post, when Henry got out of his crib and put diaper cream and baby wipes all over the walls and flour? Then he fell asleep in the IKEA poang chair, leaving his crib behind forever. Today – and really all year, I’ve been musing about how quickly they grow up and how, apparently, I’m not particulary bothered.

Look for me over here at MotherWoman.

Speaking of Twitter, I was excited to find out through that very informative medium yesterday, through the following @MotherWoman tweet, that postpartum legislation (House Bill 3987) passed the Massachussets State House!  Now it’s on to the Senate:

“Being on TV is exciting but this is the real fun: Postpartum Legislation passed the MA State House yesterday! Now… http://fb.me/sRnfa4Jl“

I’m excited to see progress–albeit slow– in research, awareness, and attitudes toward postpartum depression, in general.   I am particularly excited for the state of Massachusetts because I spent four years of college there.  My home state, New Jersey, has had its PPD law in place since 2006.  It seems that people have come to realize that the only way we are going to make quicker and more substantive progress regarding research funding, requirements for healthcare practitioners and hospitals to be more mindful of the mental wellbeing of new moms, and the need to establish postpartum support services is for policy changes to be implemented on a top-down basis (i.e., at the federal and state levels).  

I did a search for more details on the MotherWoman website and on the Internet, but could not find anything.  As soon as I do, I will be sure to share! 

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer–unless of course you are on the other side of the word, like Australia.  We are in the last stretch and fall is around the corner.  I hate it when the days start to get shorter, don’t you?  Bleh.

Wanda & George Kokurewicz showcase their pottery work at the Shelburne Falls Arts Cooperative.  They came here from Poland in the 50s and have decided to retire after all these years to be closer to their family in Rhode Island. That’s the short story. The long story is WAY more interesting.

While unfortunately one of their students decided to buy almost the WHOLE studio, Dawn was able to acquire a power extruder and I acquired some wonderful brushes, underglazes and a carved press mold George had made. He even gave me some pottery he intended to get rid of!

The highlight for me, truly, was listening to Wanda talk about her art work and her life. She showed me intricate stamps she had carved out of plaster. Some were of tiny ballerinas and she told me of the privilege of being invited to draw her granddaughter’s ballet class which she uses for source material.

I told her it sounded like getting to play Degas for a day.  One of her granddaughters has been invited to perform with the Kirov and the Bolshoi!  Though the family felt she was too young to go away to Russia, she is going away to art school in North Carolina. Wanda suddenly looked sad but continued to tell me what a joy it was when her daughter lived next store and her granddaughter’s could trot over to visit all the time.

I asked her if it was hard to say goodbye to her pottery life, to which she said “oh no, I am not sentimental. I have moved so much and lost so much that I am not attached to things.” She asked me if I knew about the Warsaw Uprising and that she had been an underground soldier. She had been smuggled from place to place during the war before coming to America. It was truly fascinating to hear her talk this unique time in her life. She mentioned that there was a webpage about her, but not having a computer she did not know the address. I did find this interview with her online at motherwoman.com

George also shared their adventures into showing work at Renaissance Faires in New York and having a painting show with Salvador Dali in the 1950s. Yep, you have my attention. He shared a wonder photo of them with Dali and talked about how a room would become silenced when he entered. It seems he had the charisma I imagined.

What a memorable and special experience. I am so glad to have gone and who knows. Maybe they’ll come to my studio someday.

Looking for a unique way to honor the moms in your life this Mother’s Day? Make a donation in their name to MotherWoman, a local non-profit that provides mom’s groups, postpartum support groups and political action. For a donation of $10 a flower bearing the moms name will be hung in a local business in Northampton and Amherst. You will receive a lovely acknowledgement card to send to the mom.

I am grateful for much but this week I want to focus on one thing. This week I am grateful Motherwoman. This week, one of their facilitators helped me realize why I was so sad about missing Malone’s first snow (see post below).

I can’t tell this story without a little bit of background info. This might get a little long so if you haven’t got time you might want to come back when you do.

I am a motherless daughter mother. My mother (I promise I will blog more about her another day) was an alcoholic who died from alcohol poisoning in March of 2007, approximately five months before our wedding. When I was cleaning out her apartment, there were two things I hoped to find and never did.

The first was our Family Bible. This Bible wasn’t often used for study or reading purposes, but rather as a history holder. My mother used this Bible as a place to store birth announcements from family and friends, wedding programs, obituaries from newspapers, and programs from funerals. I don’t know where it got off to, I’m hoping that when I go through things at my dad’s place over Christmas break I’ll find it there.  They got divorced when I was five or six and when I left for college a great deal of my things were stashed in his care.

But more than that, I have no idea where my baby book is. I didn’t find it when I cleaned out her things. I know that she dutifully kept it, recording my firsts, my statistics, and photographs.

Before this week’s circle, I had never put two and two together. The reason I am such a mission to capture all of Malone’s firsts is because I a. no longer have my baby book and b. no longer have my mother to ask.

Which lead me to: this is my first Christmas season as a mother and my mom isn’t here to share in that.

I realized that I am again grieving the loss of my mother. I know it is okay that I am sad, in fact I have the right.

Today I am beyond grateful for Motherwoman‘s existence and their facilitators. Motherwoman is not group therapy, but rather a place where I can be heard in a judgment and advice free zone. When I am there in their circle, I know I am safe to express whatever is on my mind.

My life has changed dramatically in the past six months. My oldest started kindergarten and I went back to work full-time. With my son starting a new school, it was like I was entering a new school as well. New parents to meet, play dates to plan (or in my case, favors to watch my kid while I have afternoon meetings, thank you friends!) It was funny, but I had the new school jitters like him, will I be cool enough for school, will my kid get invited to birthday parties? Of course, all of this is the case.  One of the great things that happened is that I was lucky enough to be invited to join MotherWoman.

Since I moved to the Pioneer Valley, I had heard about MotherWoman.  MotherWoman is organization founded by two moms who had a huge awakening when they became parents and needed a place to safely talk about what was happening in their lives. When they looked around they found infant massage, baby yoga; all activities focused on the child and not a group focused on the mothers. So they started a group themselves. The group is place with no judgements, no advice, no kids. A place to speak uninterrupted. It is amazing to say out loud, “my kid really made me so angry today” and see 10-12 heads nod back at you.

We meet once a month. There is lots of laughter, a few tears and plenty of chocolate. I do not leave the group with answers but leave knowing I am not alone in this journey, that many, if not all of us, are learning as we go. Many of the woman in the group I did not know, but some are Moms from school. We don’t get time to really talk on the playground but it is nice to get a nod when your kid is having a tantrum that you are not being judged, that they understand.

To learn more about MotherWoman and start a group of your own, visit www.motherwoman.org