“With the winds of change we sometimes find our true direction.”

Source Unknown

So I don’t want this to be weirdly morbid or anything but a couple nights ago, in the wee hours of 4 AM, I had the sudden thought of death.  I know. Freaky. It just suddenly hit me. That one day, I’m going to die.

Now before you say “Duh I knew this”, let me try and explain myself. Somehow, watching movies and going through the motions of everyday life, like cooking, cleaning, making friends, studying, doing nothing, day-dreaming, I forget that my life is ending one minute at a time. That it isn’t some story happening or doesn’t have any do-overs. And this isn’t something I can’t deny or deal with later, like what my future goals are or when will I finally finish that to-do list. It’s not a book I can read later. Death is something that is unavoidable and the part that freaked me out the most was that I don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean I believe in God, but suddenly as I lay there in bed, I became so scared. I don’t even know if I will go to heaven or hell or be reincarnated or just be dead. I’m still figuring out what I believe. The “just being dead” especially freaked me out: empty, nothingness, void, lack of though, lack of existence etc. You are probably not even conscious that you are dead, that what’s weird and hard to explain. I even pulled my blanket over my head. Although  Googling “what happens after death” relieved me a little; I found out there are many legit cases of patients coming back from the dead in hospitals, where they are looking down from the ceiling at their own body and at the doctors. I don’t know, usually I can say I’m a predictable person but I never expected to have such a moment especially so late at night and while everyone else was sleeping. So word of advice: don’t stay up too late. Haha. Anyways, I was pondering this moment and other things in my life today. And I figured out three things. The first is pretty simple, I just can’t help using less words, it makes me feel like I’ll miss something.

1. Start living life. Stop waiting for something to happen, or waiting for things to get better. All I have is now. This is the one life I am given (so I think for now), so I better make it worth it. Squeeze every drop of the lemon because when I die, I will have just be a body (or so I think). I mean I won’t even exist so I better make it worth it.
2. Second: Be someone who you are proud to be. All those times you did wrong, remember them. I’ve made many mistakes and done things I’m not proud of, and hopefully this short life can help me realize this quickly and soon before it’s too late.
3. Realize the things QUICKLY AND CHANGE WHILE YOUR IN THE PRESENT. You don’t want to wake up thirty years later and ask why did I do this, why didn’t I do this?

Ok I’m done ranting. And I don’t want to sound narcissistic saying I don’t want to die and live forever etc. etc., but you have to admit it, nobody wants to die.

(Man I tried not sounding morbid, but that last sentence was just the kicker)

Hey! Maybe this will cheer you up

Love the hair.

Hahaha

Why is it always the difficult stuff that takes effort and thought and concentration! How come the fun stuff just happens and we are expected to work for the hard ones   Moving into a a relationship can be fun and exciting and oh so easy to do even if you are determined not to; but moving on can be so   difficult. I am not  referring only  to romantic relationships, but to simple friendships as well.  How hard it can be to let go sometimes even though you know that is the only option you have, and it is the “best” thing to do at a certain point in time….

“Dont think about anything. Dont try to figure out anything for a while. It doesn’t have to be about him all the time. You can take a break from that site.”

Geez ow, that makes me realize what a nut I am. Haha!   Good advice.  Thanks.

There’s always a few different ways to end things with someone.  China Man and I already tried the “stop e-mailing” thing, but that failed for two reasons.  One, I felt like I was moving on so I’d e-mail him every once in awhile to see how he was doing.  I wasn’t expecting anything by doing that, especially not expecting to get all caught up in him again.  Two, then he was saying how much he missed me, which of course, sparked everything up for me again.

So, I’m fairly convinced that asking him to stop e-mailing wouldn’t work.  It’s kinda like the “Red Button Syndrome”… you always want what you can’t have.  But if we don’t stop e-mailing (which would just make us feel like we couldn’t have each other and consequently want each other) then maybe we could just fizzle it out.  I’ve done it before (not with China Man) and though it’s kinda passive aggressive, it works pretty well.  The two people can more easily sustain a friendship, because no bad shit had to get said at “the end.”

So, maybe that’s what I’ll try to do with China Man.  A phase out.  This will entail two things mainly… 1) e-mailing progressively less frequently, and 2) taking out all the emotional stuff of the e-mails so their just bland and no real connection is made by the e-mailing.

[sigh] <that’s the biggest, saddest “sigh” you’ve ever heard.

She used to look at him everyday
When he walked right by, her heart would blaze
And she was determined to look into the fray,
Fight for her emotions every day.

He sat in his chair and she always stared
The repeated ignorance made pain much harder to bear
She loved no one else because of her given devotion,
So she wanted to tell him all of her emotions.

She wrote inside his books, wrote words in one of his books
Whenever he would sit with her to talk
She wrote the words, “Dreams Come True.”
Such words enabled him to fall in love

But the fight has become the boy’s own battle
She thinks of someone else every other day
His sensation is revealed until he’s left rattled
He feels so gloomy at how things change
He wishes he could have done something the first time
She was his slave every day
He prays for things to change after tonight
How things must change from day to day

She used to like him secretly
He talked only to her and her heart was blazed
She used to dream of him secretly
She prayed for a hold of his arms every day

During the labs they would both sit and stare at each other
But he and his friend were feeling the same emotion
He had to bear his passion to be with her
His friend felt for him a bigger devotion

But they played like fools, ran around like fools
Everyone would think that something was going on
But when she showed him that dreams come true,
He knew he couldn’t help admitting his love.

She left him all alone in this tragic battle
He thinks of finding her in his dreams one day
She used to get rattled but now he’s the one that’s rattled
He feels so poignant at how things change
There’s nothing he can do to turn back this time
The tables have turned and now he’s become her slave
He prays for things to change every day at night
How things must change from day to day

There are moments in life we wish we could forget.
There are times in life that we all regret.
There are words we wished had never been exchanged,
Yet, there are feelings we yearned had been expressed.

Sometimes, we don’t realize what we have till it’s lost,
Sometimes, we do things without thinking about what’s its going to cost.
Sometimes, we protest to accept our wrongs,
And sometimes, we feel alone; like we don’t belong.

Now and then, we lose someone close.
Now and then, memories fade like old photos.
Now and then, our hearts get shattered.
Every now and then, ours lives get battered.

But past all the surface bumps and scratches,
We look deep down, beyond all the patches.
And find in this eternal darkness, a single light.
We discover a tiny flame slowly conquering the night.

Why not, take hold of this flame?
Why not, stand tall and proclaim and forget the pain?
Why not, love and be loved once more?
Why not, recover after a lost battle and win the war?

- F.S.

I don’t really know what I want to say, I just know I miss baby Z today. I  would have been such a dissappointment to her if she’d made it. I really want to change. I’m trying – one day at a time, right? Why is it so hard though? It’s taking everything I have not to just get into bed and cry the entire night away.

I miss her so much… I just wish I’d known before and maybe I could have changed the way things turned out.

This is inspired by this post by one of my fav people..and a bit of encouragement by this poet right here..(yes click and read..and be in happiness..)

• Food mojo is back!!! Woop! Yes it may be inspired by some interesting people..but whatever the case may be..it is back..I’m learning to make chappoz..(yes find me  on twitter and my twit pics and be amused). The first ones were hard..but slowly and surely, I’m getting there..they get softer and peelable by the day!!! Actually find myself making proper food most days…which is a contrast from my days of eating bread like I’m being paid…

• New music…lemme just post some pics of my new favourites:

N’dambi….The Pink Elephant album…plus I love her big hair!! I want!!!

Ladybug Mecca- Trip the light Fantastic….Loves the fact that its not the usual over-played radio stuff..

Jeff Bradshaw- That “Bone Deep” album is sending me to places….so blissful!!!!

So yeah…if you enjoy my ValFM selections…give them a try…

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I’ve been looking back over the past couple of days..and all I can say is that you can never know how life will turn out. For real. Sometimes when ish happens..you tend to say “Ok that’s it..never again!!!” (Ok I know I have said that) Anger is an amazing feeling..kinda like a wave..you ride on it..and as long as you keep the fuel going..you’re good to go. Problem arises when the anger goes…and then you have to feel all the emotions you had kept locked down. The hurt, the betrayal, the acceptance that some things are not meant to be, and the feeling of letting go. This last is the most amazing..IMHO…when you finally let go..and realise that words that may have hurt you in the past… do nothing for you now.

Its amazing….today I received an email that made me really laugh..and by laugh I mean giggle helplessly…Not because it was funny. Far from that actually..but simply because the words have no power over me anymore. I can’t and won’t even bother myself to reply. I don’t know what the email was meant to achieve…but I’m sure giggles was not it.

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Best thing about moving on? Happiness. That is why I say you never know how life will turn out. Some things happen when you least expect it. Woop!!!

ValFM:

• Simply you- Mother’s Favourite Child
• I can’t make you love me- Boyz II Men
• Past paradise- Eric Roberson

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.

You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth.

You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself that you tasted as many as you could. ”

~ Louise Erdrich

man i hate her. the twin that is. i hate that i have heart-to-hearts with her about the niggas who ain’t worth shit…and the shoes we’re buying them for christmas. don’t judge us. from the outside looking in, you could never understand.

but tonight’s conversation struck a nerve. maybe because this time i wasn’t on edge, breaking down in tears DYING. either way, i feel compelled to write since i cannot possibly sleep.

i told her who i used to be. and the things that made me who i am now. and how i met him. and how i knew that i wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. and how he does NOT love me anywhere close to as much as i love him.

and she slapped me in the face with the next sentence. she says…

“ashley, you have to get a point where you want to be with someone who wants to be with you.”

that came down on me from the clouds like katrina.

but that wasn’t all. then she asks…

“think of it like this: you would be perfectly fine sleeping in his bed every night for the rest of your life, right?”

hmm. yea. and?

“he wouldn’t. if you were to ask him to sleep in your bed every night, he would say no.”

he would. not because he doesn’t enjoy it when he does, but because that is a commitment. that is a burden. and some people just like to not be tied down. now, this boy loves me. or once did. but i adore him. that is a different kind of love that he cannot relate to. and that just hit me.

i tell her about how i grew up, the mother i always defended for no reason, the disconnect between my siblings, life constantly on the move, and how this boy came into my life like an angel. or so it seemed. see—the only thing is, everything that comes out of my mouth, she already knows.

she has seen these days of wanting to look back PAST all the arguments and blowups and STRAIGHT to the good days. she knows the pain of a lost soul and a broken heart.

it’s like she knows everything about me. but not by talking to me. not by talking to him. not by reading my blog or my facebook. not by texting/calling. not by judging. just by living HER life, she knows everything about MINE.

and when she slaps me in the face with truth, beats reality into my head, and hangs up on me when i can’t handle it…

something inside tells me that i am going to make it out a changed woman…because i remember that she was once in my bobo’s and GAP jeans.

and now she’s polo,  juicy, forever21, and it blows me how she makes that shit look so easily attainable.

so…yea.

dear undo.

you the shit bruh. you see where you used to be, acknowledge where you are now, and work towards everything you want to be in the future. you have plans to be great. and you have the determination to make it there. you are truly a bad bitch, without trina or nicki lewinsky and idk if you know but you inspire me to look past the love i have for him, and dig deeper for the love i should have for myself. if only i could get to where you are now. every morning that you wake up and feel like you are drowning in your thoughts, take a breath and remember that there are girls like me that are still stuck in cycles that they can’t break, but you made it out alive. and are still making it daily. without dying. man, your future is so bright, paparazzi gotta throw the ‘locs on. and always remember that BAD is never GOOD until WORSE happens. (:

love, yo twin fool!

and that is all.

there are boys you invite over. THEN there are boys who tell you they’re coming. there are boys you order food with. THEN there are boys you order food for. there are boys who sleep under the blanket. THEN there are boys who get the extra comforter. there are boys who don’t text all day long, and you’re fine. THEN there are boys that you wait for a text from because you know he had a 9 oclock class and usually eats lunch around 11, but it’s 10:30 and he hasn’t called. there are boys who you let walk out of your life. THEN there are boys who you would beg to stay.

and the moment i opened my door and saw him smiling on my front porch, i knew what kind of boy he was

because when he showed up today with that hoodie, and that tshirt, and those dunks, and that smile…i knew that nothing that happened prior would be remembered and nothing that happened after could be discussed. it was here and now in that moment and that was all we cared about.

forget about the past months and the past fights, and the girls i’ve peeped, and the questions i’ve been dying to ask him. forget about the company i’ve kept, text messages i’ve sent, people i’ve gotten close to to keep me from drowning in my own thoughts. all of that is forgotten the first time i heard “kid” because he is that type of boy.

he’s the boy that can joke about deadly ER visits i had as a kid and nicknames i hate. he’s the type of boy that i let leave his shit in my room. the boy i would get out of the bed for near midnight in the freezing cold to bring him medicine when he’s sick, spend my last dollar to feed him…

yes. he is THAT type of boy.

the boy you accidentally fell in love with, and forgot how to fall out. the boy who doesn’t always treat you right, but you stay because you remember when he did. the boy who you would willingly spend the rest of your life with.

EVEN if you only talk to him when YOU call.

HE came over today and despite all the growing i have done in the past months, nothing mattered because the minute we connected, all was right in the world. he once said we were like magnets. when we’re far apart, we’re fine. but when we come too close, we come together. sad, but true. and i scares me to death that everything can still so EASILY fall back in place because i just invested time in these tears and these dates and these nights by myself and these self-reflections and these realizations and these “bad bitch” speeches and these spontaneous purchases

to

get

over

him.

but none of that matters, because the moment i opened my door and saw him smiling on my front porch,

i knew what type of boy he was

and what type of girl i had to continue to teach myself to be

in order to avoid the boys who say “i love you” too loosely, take and don’t give, and come and go as they please,

because those type of boys are NOT healthy for girls like the girl i used to be.

before i end the sadness and the reminiscing and the regrets and the looking back, i have to remember this song. now–it BLOWS me that people are JUST NOW discovering the power of John Legend’s “Evolver” album. it breaks my heart. because in addition to all the amazing tracks on there, there’s one song that makes me feel some sort of way.

it’s called “this time”.

dedicated to all the boys who didn’t know what they had until they lost it.

Ran into you yesterday
Memories rushed through my brain
It’s starting to hit me
Now you’re not with me
I realized I made a mistake
I thought that I needed some space
But I just let love go to waste
It’s so crystal clear now
That I need you here now
I gotta get you back today

[Chorus]
This time I want it all
This time I want it all
Showing you all the cards
Giving you all my heart
This time I’ll take the chance
This time I’ll be a man
I can be all you need
This time it’s all of me

I hit the bar every night
Looking to score a good time
It’s not like I planned it
i’m left empty handed
I’m still alone in my mind
Now what will it take to feel right
Can I come see you tonight?
Is there someone new now?
What can I do now?
Cuz I need you back by my side

[Chorus]

Last time I wasn’t sure
This time I will give you more
I’m more mature
I’ll show you
Last time I didn’t know
I messed up when i let you go
I need you, don’t say no
Lying alone in this room
All that is missing is you
Pick up the phone
Won’t you come home?

[Chorus]

and every time i hear this song i want to cry because there are boys in this world who have it all. they have girls who are willing to go above and beyond for them, and they do them wrong because they think that they can just wait for a sudden realization like these lyrics say, and go and find the girl and win her back.

lives are NOT toys. nor are hearts. it is NOT okay to play games with people’s emotions and think you can come back when you please because, while some girls will take you back,

if they’re SMART, they won’t.

but then again…no one can love and be wise.

“Every minute of his life since then has been marked by her absence, every action has lacked dimension because she is not there to measure against. And when I was young I didn’t understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present. like a damaged never, like a dark bird. If I had to live on without you I know I could not do it. But I hope, I have this vision of you walking unencumbered, with your shining hair in the sun. I have not seen this with my eyes, but only with my imagination, that makes pictures, that always wanted to paint you, shining; but I hope that this vision will be true, anyway.

- Nov 30, 2009

The Time Traveler’s Wife

For showing who you truly are. Makes it so much easier to not care about you or this situation in general. You’re gone from my life for good. And I’m glad. This is how it should be. I deserve to be happy, and you don’t make me happy. You haven’t made me happy for quite some time, but I was too blind and stubborn to realize that.

I hope that you get a dose of your own medicine one day. And I know you will, because life revolves around karma. All the hurt you’ve caused me and the let downs over the last 6 years, all the lies and excuses..that will come back on you and I’m satisfied knowing that. I do hope someone breaks your heart the way you’ve broken mine numerous times. And in that moment I hope you realize what you had with me. I don’t want you back, and I never will. But I want you to feel what I’ve felt over the last 6 years. I want you to experience let downs time and time again, and for someone that you love with every part of your being to rip your heart to shreds. And it’ll happen. Not sure when or where. But it will. You’ll see. I’m just sad I won’t be around to see it for myself.

The day before Thanksgiving started out as any normal day.  My husband (Larry) and I are business partners and were getting ready for work.  He said something to piss me off and got into a fight over breakfast.  After we both had a chance to calm down, we came back together mid-morning to apologize and discuss our drive to my family’s house scheduled for latter that day.  During the apology session, Larry asked me if I wanted a divorce.  My heart screamed ‘yes’ but my mind wouldn’t let the words come out.  My mind was thinking ‘I can’t ruin the Thanksgiving dinner that my family has planned’ and ‘I’m not ready for this right now’.  My mind won and I told him that I didn’t know what I wanted and we should just go to my family’s house as planned.  I feel really bad for lying to him – but seriously!  How can we have THAT conversation the day before Thanksgiving? 

This day was key for me for two reasons – 1) I don’t want to keep lying to this man and pretend that everything is OK, and 2) I am now committed to talking to him about a divorce after the holidays.  January will not be a happy month, but the waiting is over!  If you have ever been in my shoes – please post a comment.  How did you wait to have such a huge conversation?  What made it more easy or difficult?

As I sit here and think about the last few months and what has transpired, I have to ask myself, “What the HELL”?  I really do need help.  First of all, I had sex with that sun of a bitch ex husband of mine.  Twice. Oh God, I must be mentally ill? Ok, here’s what’s happened; after a series of fights, “I hate you, you stupid *%$*!@!! (insert what you like, it’ll work for me, I’m sure). Oh, I even called the police on him once.  An ‘ex’ just can’t come to the home of the wife & start laying down rules.  Hell, he was looking for a fight. 

Anyway, as I sit here & re-think what & why all that went down, I just shake my head.  Not too long after the ‘police’ incident, I was going thru what I’ll call ‘a horney as hell spell’.  I tried to find another mate thru some of those social sites that promise the perfect mate for everyone.  Why couldn’t they find a mate for me?  Am I that ‘bad off’?  So, I gave up looking for a new mate.  Yep, you guessed it.  I went back to the old mate.  God, what a mistake.  What, why did I do that?  I get the heebee Jeebee’s just re-thinking about it.  He isn’t even good.  He’s just barely ok.  I work hard with him to get my own orgasim.  He gets off first (always has been that way), probably where I began to lose interest in him.  He has always been a selfish lover & I put up with it for far too many years.  Then, my job begans.  Like I’ve said, I had to work hard for an orgasim with him.  But I did it, I did it twice and now I feel like I need to go to confession or something.

Is there a place a woman can go to get sex and only sex?  No ties, strings, diseases, you know someplace easy?  I don’t even have single male friends that I can turn to, all my friends are couples.  They aren’t happy couples either but I still wouldn’t trade my new life for their married lives.  There goes that ‘heebee jeebee’ feeling again. 

So guess what?  An ex boyfriend of mine from U of  H looked me up on FaceBook.  He brought a smile to my face and a tingly feeling someplace else.  Yeah, when we were together, we went at ‘it’ pretty hard & regular.  We were young, new at sex so we practiced quite a bit.  Now that I think about it, I experienced my first orgasim with him. (I was good at pleasing myself, had been practicing since I found out the other uses for my kittycat).  Anyway, it’ll be nice to see him again, have him as a friend, all that stuff.  He wasn’t that great either but atleast he was different.  The only man that really rang my bell was a college boyfriend I had when I was in my twenties.  I hope he’s looking for me too.

Just so you know, I want to run away… to somewhere I can feel happy and be at peace. Maybe have a nice cup of coffee and mellow out and forget about all this.

HEALTHY CHARACTERISTICS
from Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood

1. We accept ourselves fully, even while wanting to change parts of ourselves. There is a basic self-love and self-regard, which we carefully nurture and purposely expand.

2. We accept others as they are, without trying to change them to meet our needs.

3. We are in touch with our feelings and attitudes about every aspect of our lives, including our sexuality.

4. We cherish every aspect of ourselves: our personality, our appearance, our beliefs and values, our bodies, our interests and accomplishments. We validate ourselves rather than search for a relationship to give us a sense of self-worth.

5. Our self-esteem is great enough that we can enjoy being with others, especially those of the opposite sex, who are fine just as they are. We do not need to be needed to feel worthy.

6. We allow ourselves to be open and trusting with appropriate people. We are not afraid to be known at a deeply personal level, but we also do not expose ourselves to the exploitation of those who are not interested in our well-being.

7. We ask ourselves “Is this relationship good for me? Does it enable me to grow into all that I am capable of being?”

8. When a relationship is destructive, we are able to let go of it without experiencing disabling depression. We have a circle of supportive friends and healthy interests to see us through crises.

9. We value our own serenity above all else. All the struggles, drama and chaos of the past have lost their appeal. We are protective of ourselves, our health and well-being.

10. We know that a partnership, in order to work, must be between partners who share similar values, interests and goals, and who each have a capacity for intimacy. We also know that we are worthy of the best that life has to offer

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. -Blaine Lee

When I was a child at the playground I remember being told, “Don’t climb on that, you’re going to fall and hurt yourself.” But I was stubborn, kept at it, and ending up hurting myself. After a while though, the hurt went away; I quickly forgot about it and went at it again, a bit cautiously, but kept at it. Now when I think back, I laugh at those times because it’s funny. I learned through the bumps and bruises, while having fun.

I’m now at the point where I ask myself, “Did I have fun? Did I enjoy the ride while it lasted? Did I learn something?” I want to take those experiences with me so I can make something better for next time. Of course, I’ve needed to compose myself and exhaust that hurt out but I want to stop wasting so much time dwelling on the hurt.

In spirit, we are all young – we should be like that little kid in the park getting on all the rides, some we enjoy a lot and some aren’t for us yet we don’t find ourselves sitting on a bench over a small bump while everyone around us is having fun. We need to get up, get over it and move forward. And, don’t forget to have fun!