I’m not here to make money. I’m not here to pass judgement on what is right or wrong, on what should or should not be taught. I am not here to babysit. I am not here to parent. I am here to teach any child with whom I come in contact. I am not here to teach them that 2+2=4. I am not here to explain Manifest Destiny. I am not here to make students love Great Expectations. I am here to teach children to be good people. I am here to teach honesty and integrity. I am here to teach people to interact with each other in meaningful ways. I am here to facilitate communication between people. I am here to help people see the glory of our diversity, and to revel in our commonalities. I am not here to give tests, or quizzes, or exams. Life is the test. Only you know if you passed or failed. All I can do is offer some skills that might help. I’m here to make a difference. Now if I just knew what that meant…

-Mr. E

http://www.trueclothing.net/

I spent this weekend on Martha’s Vineyard.  The reason behind the trip was for Mr. E’s business endeavor.  He was opening a store and I figured it was as good of a time as any to go to my first work related function and show my support.  I’ve been around him when he goes into full on business mode character in more casual settings, so I knew I had to be prepared for this since MV would be his stage the whole weekend.  I asked my good friend M to make the trip with me and we had planned a nice beach weekend, where we did our own thing, showed up to say hello and congrats, and continued with our mini weekend vacation.

Sadly, the weather didn’t turn out the way we’d hoped and we abandoned our bikinis for jeans and fleece jackets.  Still, M was a sport the entire time.  We walked A LOT, ate when we got bored, watched a rando movie to kill time, rode the bus.  You name it, we probably did it.  Words cannot express how much I appreciated her this weekend.  Honestly, if she hadn’t been there, one of two things would have happened — I would have been doing all of those things alone or I would have been with Mr. E’s posse barely keeping up with all of their inside jokes.  I’m not an employee so I don’t have a real role to play.  I either get introduced or get pushed out of the way by people who want to talk to him.  When I hit my breaking point, I have to remove myself completely and just do my own thing.

Having M really changed the weekend for me.  I’m sure it could have been great without her, but having her there guaranteed a good stay.  Over time I’m sure I’ll feel less anxious about these work things as I get to know the people in Mr. E’s circle better.  I shouldn’t need a safety net, albeit a fun one, to get through things like this right?  I still feel like the ultimate interloper, something very similar to the girlfriend descending on boy’s night, which is something I’m clearly going to need to shake.

II. Five Things

On a delightful side note, here are 5 things that are making me happy today:

1. Managers giving me the green light for PTO on Thursday.  90 degree weather = beach day.
2. Saveur BBQ
3. Prometheus with Mr. E & and my Dad – couldn’t con my sister into going with me (this could go as a very happy or very scared item on the list)
4. Meeting Mr. E’s MV family – so freaking cute.  I hope I get to see them soon when the visit isn’t so hectic.
5. Going home for Beth’s backyard wedding on Saturday.  I miss my family a lot more than usual these days.

III. Life on Instagram

I love how summer is even finding its way into my Instagram.

Mezzanine
444 Jessie St.
San Francisco, 94103
Tuesday, July 3, 2012 at 9:00 PM-2:00AM

THE PIRATE DJS & PERSONAL TOUCH ENTERTAINMENT PRESENT

CREAM OF BEAT REUNION 2012 – 4TH OF JULY WEEK CELEBRATION

FATLIP (PHARCYDE)

RBL POSSE (FEAT BLACK C)

“Strictly for the oldschool”

Music by The Pirate DJs:
MIND MOTION
IVAN
ROLO 1-3
DARK MONEY

Along with:
APOLLO (VIDEO MIX)
SUPREME
SAKE 1
DJ FUZE
VINROC
ROBREYES

Hosted by:
THE LOVE MOVEMENT
CHUY GOMEZ
TRUE SKOOL
NEVILLE (NEV DA REB)
MR .E
TASTEMAKER LIVE

Tickets available from $20-$50

http://creamofbeatsf-mezzsite.eventbrite.com/

The Mr. E Revelations: Dark Discoveries

…at Createspace. Here’s the link:

https://www.createspace.com/3748117

For those of you who have read On the Devil’s Payroll, this is completely and utterly different. If you prefer stuff like that, stay tuned as there will be another publishing announcement this summer.

The Mr. E series, which was spawned from a NaNoWriMo project, will continue beyond this book. It’s full of magic and paranormal stuff (and a fair amount of bad language and violence), so read it before you let your kids read it. Then buy them their own copy because they’re always ruining your stuff.

This book will soon be available on Amazon, and also for Kindle!

The New Parish
579 18th Street
Oakland, CA
Saturday, June 16, 2012

Let It Go
Record Release Party
DJ House Shoes
Platurn
Teeko
Max Kane
Mr. E

Hosted by Fran Boogie

9:00PM-2:00AM
$10 before 11pm
Tickets available on-line at: http://www.ticketfly.com/purchase/event/129755
21+

***

House Shoes DJ Set

Cathy & Alan
Beth & Carl

Me and Krissie in our bridesmaids getup

Mr. E’s friends Brooke & Billy
(photo credit: Voltaic Visual)

This was my last three weekends.  Cathy and Alan’s wedding was the first in Boston.  Beth and Carl’s wedding was in York, UK.  This past weekend’s wedding was in Madison, WI.

I’ll try to post elaborating entries on my cousin Beth’s wedding.  That was so great.  It was so wonderful seeing her.  Now that she lives across the pond, I see her two times a year max.  I haven’t seen her since Christmas, so it was good to catch up and share in such an awesome moment in Beth’s life.  Also, Beth and Carl are coming home to New York for an informal family/friend reception in my parents’ backyard.  Twinnie and I have taken up the challenge to decorate and make this as nice as possible.  We have quite a few tricks up our sleeves, so I’m so excited to share the end result with everyone.

II. Grownup Relationship Stuff

The wedding in Madison spurred Mr. E and I to take our first vacation together.  We left for Chicago the Wednesday before the wedding and literally spent every waking moment in each other’s company until we came back to Boston on Sunday night.  I had a lot of nervous energy about the trip, but everything turned out better than I could have expected.

We talked a lot more about moving in together.  I’ve finally conceded to moving to the South Shore.  I know, that’s a pretty big deal for me.  I definitely still have my doubts, especially after this morning’s hour and forty five minute commute to work.  The traffic kills me.  Moving will likely mean I have to chose a job based on location. I find it particularly limiting, but I guess these are the decisions and sacrifices people face.  I’m also not completely sold that it will ever be “our” place equally, but not everyone seems to have the same feminist views on life that I do.  Fortunately, I have until June 2013 to vet through some of my frustrations.

In Chicago, we stayed at this really neat place Longman & Eagle.  I fell in love with Room #55, where we stayed.  It made a confident and proud statement in a very simple, quiet way.  I really like that.

Just look at this bathroom!

I think it’s safe to say we were both pretty inspired by this place.  He romanced me with talk of new design projects and making his house my home as well.  He did mention giving me a key to his place before we’d even embarked on our journey.  It hasn’t come up in conversation since then, though Mr. E sometimes tends to be a bit forgetful.

I think I’d be happy with a nice big bedroom (his idea), having a nice room that’s my own little inspiration room, and of course, having a bright and spacious kitchen.  I’ve been toying around on my Tumblr with some design ideas, but maybe it is finally time to give into Pinterest.  I really don’t like polluting my Tumblr with reposts that often.  So snobby, I know.

Pffff, Pinterest. The things I consider for this goober.

He may have also mentioned getting married.  I know.  At 25 years young, it kind of gives me the shakes to write that down.  We were at B&B’s wedding reception and he asked what we would do at our wedding.  I posed the question, do you want to marry me, to which I received a certain yes.  I think he can tell I’m not quite there yet, but it really does warm my heart knowing that.  I think I could be very happy with him.

III. Other Notable Events

My poor grandmother broke her hip a month and a half ago.  She got pretty major surgery and has been in a rehabilitation center since then.  She is such a strong, but stubborn woman.  At 93, she still has the will to drive through PT and give it her all.  Yet, she can be so stubborn refusing to eat her dinner!  She’s a real firecracker, that wonderful woman.

Another thing to note is my baby cousin (she’s actually 20) is spending her entire summer in Asia.  I know this is a dream come true for her, but it does seem like it’s coming at a strange price.  Sometimes I feel like her family values take a backseat to other things.  My motto has always been family first.  At the end of the day, they’re the ones who stand by you.  It’s my job to stand by them.  I know my brief blurb can hardly explain what I’m trying to say, but I just worry she feels like we’re not here for her.  Regardless, I hope she has the time of her life and really lives it up.

On April 29th, Jason earned the official title “reverend.” While he would probably die if you called him reverend, it is definitely an important and exciting milestone. The church formed an ordination council, which drilled Jason with theological questions for several hours. They voted to affirm Jason’s calling to ministry and proceeded to ordain him! Hooray! Unfortunately, I don’t have pictures because my misbehaving camera ate them. No need to be concerned because others took pictures. I just need to acquire them. Jason is now one step closer to becoming an Army Reserve Chaplain.

As of tomorrow, Mr E will be 15 months old! While he is only walking a few steps at a time (current record is eight consecutive controlled steps), he is using most of his new independence to climb. Yes, climb. He has discovered the joys of height and takes whatever opportunities he can find to raise his elevation. One of his favorite new tricks is climbing onto his rocking moose – last week I even found him standing on it… rocking… and smiling. Ah!

-Commuting to work with a cup of Joe (don’t worry, it was empty)-

-Reading the favorites… Everything Conceivable (about assisted reproduction), Birth Marks (about adoption), and The Name Book (full of baby names, of course). NO, THIS IS NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT! Just wanted to share a funny moment we had. This was not staged, he just loves to pull these books off the shelf. Do you think he is trying to tell us something?-

-Cheese!-

All and all, the last week has been good.  Based on my last post/experience, I decided to take all future potential dating prospects directly to coffee as the “pre-screen” to avoid any chances of predestined fate via email. And if that goes well, we can THEN move to wine, etc.  Because the last thing I want to do is fill up my house with trinkets or my thighs with Reese’s Peanut Butter cups.  20 minutes of coffee is painless, right? Right. And I honestly think it’s the best way for me to gauge in person chemistry anyway.  Let the games begin!  And with that said I actually had 2 good connections last week so we’ll see if either of them pans out. Wish me luck!

I’m also pleased to announce that I received my second marriage proposal! Wow! Am I on a roll or what?!  No, it wasn’t from another crazy first date, it was from a fellow blogger after he read my last post.  HA!   Hilarious, isn’t he?!  And when I read his comment, I literally laughed out loud and promptly replied with a resounding YES!!  I know, I know.  It’s spontaneous and maybe a little reckless but it just feels right so I’m going to go for it. Here’s to our future friendship, B!

I have to admit, I love WordPress.  Not just for the outlet to be creative but for the really nice people I have met too.   Hey, maybe I’ll change my “About” page to resemble my online profile and see what kind of action I can drum up?? Kill 2 birds with 1 stone?  Really, who needs internet dating when you have a blog site?  I can upload some photos, talk about my ideal “mate”, etc.  Hmm.  The more I think about it, this could be a new added feature WP might want to consider on their next product/services road map.  Yep, one stop shopping for authentic writing AND true love. Brilliant!

Another dating avenue that dawned on me last week was hanging out at corporate cafeterias.  No, not loitering per se, although for some reason I just got a strange visual flash of myself standing outside some office building with a sign that says “Will date for food”.  See, my girlfriend invited me to lunch at her Fortune 500 work place and there was no one more excited to get all dressed up in my “work clothes” than the Executive.  He is sick of yoga pants and flip flops so any excuse for a skirt and heels is absolutely fine with him.  As I pull up to visitor parking, I can barely contain the excitement brewing inside me.  We walk into the cafeteria and it was honestly like I was a little girl on a field trip or something.  I was literally grinning from ear to ear and I could feel the energetic buzz of being back “in the zone” or maybe it was just being surrounded by people who had all had too much caffeine. But nonetheless, I for a brief hour was officially standing in the land of the living, I mean “working”.  You know, where people make decisions, solve important problems, change the world one email at a time?! Ok, maybe that last one is little far-fetched but you get my point.

I mean here I was, passing by other people who had likely spent their morning in back to back meetings and had overflowing voicemail boxes by noon.  Ah, good life.  And one the Executive still misses dearly every day. And then I realize, Hey, look at all of these good looking guys!!  As I stand in the buffet line, I think to myself, I’d like to have the Asian Chicken Salad and the tall dark and handsome gentlemen in the corner, please. To go.

Who needs online profiles when you can just have all of your girlfriends invite you to their companies so you can pick out a brand new man to date in person? Genius.  Thanks for lunch, G!!  I’ll definitely be back soon.

And speaking of profiles, I think I’m done with mine for now…the dating one not the blogging one that is. Because you know what I started to notice?  When there is a lull in the online action, Mr E and the Judge like put a new witness on the stand for cross examination, which unfortunately is me.  You know, stir up the pot with a few innocent questions, which leads to a nice dose of self-doubt and insecurity.

Let’s replay a conversation from last week after I reviewed a few thousand (no exaggeration) profiles and hardly received any responses to those I reached out to.

Hmm.  I wonder why I’m not getting any responses to the men that I winked at…maybe there is something wrong with my profile..or in essence me?  Well, I’m 40 now and it seems like more and more men my age are looking for younger women these days, a 25 year old, really?  And I’m also divorced so that might be a turn off to some.  I wonder what the divorce rate is in America these days?

Well, obviously, I have 2 kids and I’m sure some men have kid allergies or maybe still want to have some of their own??  Keep on moving, fellas.  Maybe my profile is too funny?  Or too serious in some places? It must be my wording is too direct and specific?  Should I be more vague and casual?

Maybe my pictures aren’t fun enough, or sexy enough or attractive enough?  Is it that I didn’t list skiing as one of my hobbies?  Skiing is a popular sport but I’m just not into it.  I’d rather sit in the lodge with a good book and cup of cocoa.  They can go freeze their asses off all day long and come back and tell me all about it.

I know, I didn’t finish college and I hate when I have to “officially” list that so maybe they don’t think I’m smart enough?  Why is it 20 years later regardless of one’s accomplishments, many people are still hung up on intelligence as measured by a piece of paper?  I really don’t like internet dating and I don’t think this is ever going to work.

Let’s face it, if I am “judging” someone in 1-3 seconds, everyone is likely doing the same.  And sometimes when I look at someone’s profile and I see what their “ideal” date criteria is that doesn’t match with me, Mr. E likes to get a nice little “Loser” jab in just for his entertainment. And sometimes it hurts.

But I also know, jumping into this adventure is good opportunity for growth and learning regardless if Mr. Right comes out of it all or not.  See, as I closed out my last blog, I didn’t touch on what I noticed most about myself during that little episode which was that I totally held up my own boundaries which is a huge thing for me.

See, in the past, I might not have been as direct in my communication with him and I might have even caved into a second date just because I felt bad for him. Or I would have felt like it was my fault this was happening and I must have “done” something to give him the vibe that I had feelings for him or whatever.  In the past, I would have definitely for sure felt like I needed to fix it all afterwards and make sure he was really ok.

But do you want to know what?  I didn’t end up doing a thing in this whole scenario which is a total victory!!  Throughout the entire 2 hour evening, even with bells and all, it never rattled me.  I didn’t feel the need to take “responsibility” for anything that was happening because I was just along for the ride.  I felt completely grounded and was more in my observer mode then pulled into the potential drama of it all.  I am actually really glad I had that experience because it was an opportunity for me to see just how far I have come over the last few years in these areas. And progress always feels good.  Now I just have to figure out what to do with this little box..

The New Parish
579 18th Street
Oakland, CA
Friday August 3, 2012

Elzhi
Locksmith
trueOne & more TBA

w/ DJ Mr.E on the decks

Showtime: 9:00PM Doors: 8:00PM
Ticket price: $20
Tickets available on-line at: http://www.thenewparish.com/event/126309/
18+

I had to start a new blog post because I was afraid the prior one was getting too long before I got to the good stuff.  I started rushing the end which I think is the most important section so here I am with a fresh start.  I still struggle with how long or short these blogs should be and not sure if I just start to get tired of myself at around 2,300 words or you do too.   So thanks for coming back.  Let’s continue, where I left off, shall we?

First let me say, as I mentioned before, I want to stay in integrity with of all my dating reflections and am in no way intending to be disrespectful to any of the gentlemen mentioned in any of my posts.  We’ve all got our stuff and no one really knows what is going on inside someone else’s head except them.  I am only a certified expert on myself which gives me free right to analyze the shit out of my life and no one else’s (well, at least not out loud that is).

And I am only sharing this story as an summary of lessons learned within myself and as was shared with me directly from the source because those were his exact last text words. I have decided to leave out a lot of the little juicy details that would probably make you both laugh and cringe at the same time and Mr E. is pretty pissed about that.  But the Judge wants nothing more than to pontificate about all these little critical things and once he gets on a roll, it can get ugly so I’m going to see if I can keep him quiet so I can be neutral.

Here goes.  As I mentioned in my prior blog, a few days ago, I received an unsolicited email in response to my highly desirable internet dating profile.   I was on the fence with the physical chemistry match but thought we had a lot in common otherwise so I decided to respond back.  Please note for the record, your honor, I did state right up front to him, “I’m not sure if we have a match, etc” but willing to get to know each other a bit.  Noted for the record, please continue.  Turns out he’s smart, funny, and an executive as well so we have a lot in common professionally.  So we both jump in with pretty harmless playful banter back and forth about random topics mentioned in both of our profiles. Two peas in a humor pod, so he thinks.

Our emails continue for a day or two and he says he has a good feeling about me so asks if I want to meet for a drink coffee/wine, etc and I say sure, I’m free in a few days, etc. (Note to self, I did not initiate the first move here. Yay, me!) But immediately after I said yes to a beverage, he turned it into wanting to make our “first date” very special. Hmm.  I thought it was just a casual drink?  Oh, great. An official first date?  That was when I started to detect the shift happen.

Remember the blog from last week, “Happy Anniversary” to me? And the email about the perfect date?  This was him.  It went a little something like this…The perfect  you, the perfect restaurant, perfect wine, the perfect desert….the perfect K-I-S-S?  Whoa Tiger!  (Insert screeching tire sound here). Warning bell #1.  There will be no “planned kiss” nor expectation set of one because I wasn’t even sure if there was a physical attraction in the first place and I certainly don’t want to mislead anyone.

So, I lightly pushed back a little on the “kiss” reference but figure we are just joking around so I tried not to take it too seriously.  I tell him I have a “hug” waiting for him.  That’s drawing a clear line in the sand, right?  I hope.  See, in addition to being an introvert, I would describe myself as very affectionate and definitely a “hugger” so I’ll  pretty much provide a  hug anyone that wants one, free of charge.  Now, kissing is completely different matter and those don’t come for free.

Now we are at the day before our get together and he throws in some mention about ring shopping today because apparently he has decided I’m “the one” and he is going to propose to make it the ultimate first date or something.  Warning Bell #2  Now, I’m trying to take this all in stride as well but I don’t need to see him face to face to sense this is a little extreme for a few days of casual joking.

But I try to deflect this nicely, joke about “being 1/2 excited and 1/2 terrified and will be bringing a restraining order” but I’m honestly not worried about my safety per se, just more concerned that now based on all of these little pieces of extroverted tidbits he has been dropping on me over the last couple of days, he HAS really decided I am “THE ONE” and based on what?? An internet profile and a few handful of emails??? Crazy.  I’m definitely sensing trouble.  Yikes!

On the day of our date, we exchange cell numbers in case we need to reach each other and firm up our plans.  Honestly, I have a pretty good read on people and could already tell he was a just a harmless super nice thoughtful sweet guy so I wouldn’t need to pick up any pepper spray that afternoon. But what I was worried about is that he was going to actually take some of this joking “overboard”…which unfortunately he did.  Because, what he was passing it off as 1/2 joking and 1/2 serious and he somewhere along the way decided to “Go big or Go home!”  Brace yourself.

So, we meet at the door of the restaurant and I immediately know in an instant there is no chemistry match for me but I wasn’t about to get off so lucky for him.  See, the first thing he says before he even introduces himself is, “You are soooo pretty.”  Which is super nice and sweet and what woman doesn’t want to get complimented but it was in a kinda awkward way that made him blush, not me.  And to continue to hear it the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time around, started to feel strange.

As we sit down, he says he had been there early to pick the “perfect” table and as soon as we sit down, he whips out a blue Tiffany & Co. bag.  Gulp. WARNING BELL #3! Didn’t you hear the first 2???  I’ll spare you all of the details but enclosed was a card that on one side said “I was amazing” odd, because he doesn’t even know me… and on the other side he wrote; Redeemable for one engagement ring.  Holy Cow! That is bold and super crazy.  The card was attached to a silver wrapped extra long king size package of Reese’s peanut butter cups which when wrapped, resembled the size of a necklace case box, thankfully it was not! because I had mentioned my weakness for peanut butter cups in my profile so he wanted to be romantic.  All and all, while a little over the top (just a little?) It was very, very super sweet and extremely thoughtful which I told him so and laughed at his “joke” on the engagement ring part. Ha, Ha, Ha!  Very funny.  But I really thought, Whew.  I’m safe.  And I assumed he would stop there but he didn’t.

One hour later, 1/2 way through our wine, (he did most of the talking) and dessert, the waiter delivers ANOTHER wrapped Tiffany box.  No, please!  I can’t take this.  Now I feel horrible.  I tell him, he shouldn’t, I can’t accept anything, etc.  He insists, I open the box and there small is a ceramic Tiffany porcelain box inside. Oh no.  He actually bought me something more than $1.99.  And I tell him, he really shouldn’t have ..and I really super meant IT! I open it up and inside the small box there is a single small mini Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup inside.  He then says, “I know it’s only 1/2 through our date but I am having the best time ever and would definitely like to see you again.” Huh?  I have given him No advance to Boardwalk, No get of jail free cards or that he can automatically pass go and still collect $200 (which would just about pay for all of his expenses on this date). I’ve given him absolutely nothing to even remotely signal, things are going well besides, sitting there and being attractive, which was apparently enough.  It’s like he wasn’t even paying attention to our interaction and exchanges.

So, I tell him as kindly and sweetly as possible that he is so very thoughtful and kind, and a super nice guy but I just feel a “friendship vibe” with him so I was going to have to decline.  This was shocking to him.  And he then proceeds to ask what I’m looking for in someone that he doesn’t have but I could tell he was really just searching for ways to overcome any and all of my objections.  I told him it was someone that had all of same types of qualities that he did, it just comes down to chemistry and that while on paper, we might look like a match, I just didn’t feel that way and that was not a reflection on either of us being less fabulous individuals, etc.

That’s when he started telling me the real true E hollywood story and his behind the scenes motivations and then it all made sense.  See, he met another guy a while back that told him his romance story which was, he saw this woman cross a street and knew “she was the one”, pursued her relentlessly for a year, they got married, she is the love of his life and he is living happily ever after.  And that is what my internet friend was looking for.  He wanted to be swept away with pure heart racing random meeting of fairy tale love.  And who doesn’t?  I just don’t think it always works that way nor can be staged either.

And I was just like an innocent victim of a drive by shooting, by him in a Cupid suit that is.  I just happened to be there and he decided after my basic profile, a return gesture of hello and a few emails, I was his long lost love that he has been waiting for.. he also confessed he had a monster energy drink before getting here so if he was acting strange, that was the reason.  Um, I don’t think that had anything to do with it, but ok, whatever.

But it keeps getting better, even after I told him I wasn’t interested, he still didn’t want to believe it.  That is how much of “his story” he had wrapped himself up in.  He basically said, then said to me…But do I have a chance?  And then literally said via referencing the Dumb and Dumber movie?, If there is a one in a million is a chance, he’d take it.  Unbelievable.

He still didn’t want to hear the truth because it was not lining up with the story he had been telling himself. Complete and total denial.  I very kindly said, I just didn’t think it was going to work out and he then said, “I think you are going to go home, come to your senses and change your mind.” Wow. Really?  And he was totally serious!  Nothing I could say mattered anymore at this point. He just didn’t want to listen to anything other than his desired outcome, regardless of how ungrounded in reality that was.

He was so in love with his story about “being in love” and how it was going to happen, just like his friend,  he wasn’t even present in the moment which just made me feel nothing but a lot compassion for him.  I thought about how many times, I had sold myself a bill of goods in other situations because I didn’t want to face the facts either.  Now, I’ve never done anything crazy like this but I did understand his genuine desire for his ideal outcome so it’s all good.

So, as the restaurant is closing, and we leave, he says goodbye to the owner by name. I said, “Wow do you know him?”  He said, I just met everyone before you got here to set up the “perfect date”.  Then I just felt just plain bad for him.  He was crushed but do you want to know what, I really don’t think it had anything to do with me.  He didn’t even know me. I asked him if he thought we had crossed some wires and I gave him the impression…No, no, he said.  He just thought it was “perfect” and would work out.  He completely projected this story of what he wanted onto me.

Being the gentlemen that he is, he asked me if he could walk me to my car because it was dark, etc.  I said yes, of course.  As we were walking, he starts to tell me all of the things he is disappointed about that didn’t work out between us. “Us?“  The us of 5 days of email exchanges, us?  Ok, sure. I just listened and nodded.  At this point nothing I could say or do would matter unless it was “Yes.”

I thanked him for a special evening, told him he is a great guy, gave him a big hug and he then as I am getting into my car, he says “If I change my mind, I can call him.”  At this point, I just laughed to myself.  Ah, the joys of internet dating.  I get in my car and think, wow that was the craziest thing that has ever happened to me and when I got home, an hour later, I receive a final text from him that says and I quote:

“Just wanted to thank you for my absolute best worst first date.  No expiration on the ring offer .  I tend to learn from my experiences…lesson one…do not propose to a woman you actually never met.  I wish you the best.”

Good lesson my friend, good lesson.

Let me state for the record, I totally support internet dating.  For everyone else, except myself that is.  For the rest of the single world, I think it’s a great way to meet people and I have 2 girlfriends that both married men they met online so based on the small sample size of evidence, it clearly works.  But for me, it just doesn’t resonate for a variety of reasons.

First, I feel like I have to “sell” myself.  Not that this is a bad thing per se and if I ever run out of money, I’ll definitely consider going that route but my problem is that my professional career for the last 22 years is actually in Sales. I have sold everything in technology from consumer hardware to enterprise software to manufacturing services and remember, LAST thing I want to now sell is “myself”. Also see reference to the blog titled “The Writing Workshop.”

Do you know want to know what the first line of my profile says?  “Act now and you’ll get a free set of steak knives”.  It honestly does because an online dating profile to me feels like some kind some twisted personal infomercial. And I might as well be entertaining because everyone loves humor, right?

Secondly, I prefer to get a feel for people energetically in 3D, not 2D.  You know, sense their vibe and see their smile in real life to get a feel for who they are and what they are about.  I think you can tell pretty quickly when there is a connection or not. Sometimes I see men in person that I think are very physically attractive and then after a short conversation, I realize they are not as attractive as I initially thought and other times, I have met men that I didn’t feel attracted to at first but once I got to know them a bit, I found them very attractive.  It’s all about the details for me and emotional as well as intellectual intelligence go a long way in my book.  So basically, I can start to question myself and second guess my choices and it all can become a big mess, fast.

And for me, reading personal essays and looking at carefully placed photos from who knows when just doesn’t cut it because it brings out another hoodlum that I’d rather keep locked up, The Judge. And with Mr. P’s departure, J-Man thinks this is his territory now.

I guess before I go any further, I should talk about one of Mr. E’s proteges. He mentored with Mr. P so he knows the ropes in general.  Meet The Judge. I don’t want to welcome him too much because he’s not very nice. And not just to me (which is a given), but to others as well.  See, when I’m searching through online dating profiles, do you know who is driving the bus? The Judge and I can’t even stand myself when he’s around because it’s such a yucky feeling when he sneaks in.  Just another reason, why I don’t like the online dating process.  He thinks he runs the show. He wants to “critique” every photo, word, interest, status, height, age, whatever he can get his hands on to figure out if this is good, bad, right, wrong, and point out every little detail in the process.  When he is on a roll, it’s like picky on steroids. He can’t wait to bring down the hammer.

Love…Love…Love…Love…Love

Sorry, just trying to clear some space for a little positive energy here.  I don’t want to use my blog to talk negatively about people.  Who am I to judge? Is that a rhetorical question?  I know there is someone out there for everyone and regardless of my “criteria”, that are a ton of really nice people in the world that I could get to know.

And finally, it is my belief that net-net; I don’t translate well on paper.  Because my persona is different when I write than how I actually express myself in real life (this writing stuff is all just a pretend world, right?) Plus, you can’t see my sparkly eyes and sunshine-y smile either which I think makes all of the difference in the world!

Yes, I am best to be viewed in living color as well.  If you can remember back to the “Life of an Introvert” post, I really don’t like to talk about myself either (unless it’s my blog of course which is the whole purpose of the journey, isn’t it?) I also feel really vulnerable putting myself out there to a bunch of total strangers too. I’m a private person and this all just feels super public to me.  It’s an extrovert’s dream and an introvert’s worst nightmare. Yes, I thought I would only resort to internet dating when hell freezes over.  Hmm, Is it getting cold in here or is it just me?

But because I’m not working I won’t meet people professionally, I live in a 99% “family” oriented area and the majority of my close girlfriends either live far away or are married, so I don’t have a lot of options, well from my couch that is.   Remember, yesterday’s post?  I’m clearly only half ass interested in making any dating effort anyway (which the Executive is definitely disappointed in) so decided to pay for one month of hell, I mean membership and dive in.  I wonder if I should hold my breath? Not advised.  This is going to take awhile and a little water up the nose should be the least of any concerns at this point. And the last thing I would want to do is be found dead while searching dating sites although I find that kinda ironic in a strange way.

Now, if you haven’t noticed yet, I’m a detail oriented person (S on the Myers Briggs type, which I will talk more about later this week) so this compels me to look at lots and lots of profiles.  Over 2000+ to be exact and that was just my first search.  And because this is Sales, I know very well….it’s a numbers game.  If I wink at 12 men, maybe 4 will respond and out of the 4 maybe I’ll meet with 2 and score with 1.  For those of you unfamiliar with Sales as a profession, this is technically called a “pipeline”.  And if we were consulting together, I would figure out your sales funnel based on your sales process/metrics and we would come up with a “contact to close ratio” that would enable you to predictable forecast your revenue and ideally hit your desired quota.  Make sense?  Sorry, that was the Executive talking, he’s going stir crazy around here.

Back to the search, so I carefully and painfully comb through thousands of profiles on the look out for “potential future husbands” and throw out a couple of emails, a few winks, etc to about 12 men that feel like a good match thus already breaking my rule from yesterday about not initiating first. Great! And do you know how many of those preferred hand selected Mr. Leandra’s respond to me? Zero. I love internet dating.

Huh?  Well, that’s strange.  I don’t think it’s my profile or photos, because I have had my guy friend check it out and he says it looks fine.  Now, we agree too, that he also already knows me in person, so his opinion doesn’t really count.  And of course, when your product isn’t selling, you have to go back and really review your sales pitch, marketing material, value propositions, competitive landscape, product features and benefits, etc.  Sorry, you know who is back.  He can’t help himself. And sure, I can change it all but isn’t that like changing me? Hmm. I’m still not sure who I am but let’s not get started with that again.

But, don’t worry. I’m getting emails alright, but from the 10-12 men that would be very, very unlikely to ever dare to approach me in a thousand years in “real life”.  And the only “match” I want at this point in a “real one” to light myself on fire.

And do you know what is hard top of it all?  My girlfriends have all told me, DO NOT RESPOND TO SOMEONE YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED IN.  Seems like a simple rule to follow but you know what, this makes me feel bad.  Like I am ignoring them and being rude because I’m a really nice person. And maybe they had to muster up a bunch of (liquid) courage to say hello?  So I would rather politely thank them and decline then just not respond at all.  Well, I learned my lesson on this one quickly and they were right.  Now I don’t respond and try not to feel too bad about it.

Ok, so one of the first decent responses I get to my thoughtful yet humorous profile was from a gentlemen that I thought “probably” wasn’t a match but we seemed to have a lot in common and I thought I would give it a try.  His return email was funny too and I thought what the heck.  Live and let die, right? Or Live and let Live?  Or live and let LEARN! Oh, don’t worry, as always, we’ll get to the learning part at the end.

Stay tuned because it’s just about to get good…

But before I get into these honorable mentions, maybe I should take a step back to provide a little history on my dating status.  This will be short.   Yes, it’s pretty simple.  Back in July of 2010, I decided to take a year hiatus from dating.  I’m sensing a theme here.  That meant for one year no dates, no hook ups, no nothing.  Sounds fun, eh? The goal was for it to be a year of reflection, healing, self devotion, etc. (Insert eye rolling here)  Well, that year ended up stretching into about 18 months, minus a 2 week short reconnection with a previous lover (with lots of drama courtesy of you-know-who because he had enough of the whole no sex thing) at about the 13 month mark.

So, as you can see, 2012 was off to a pretty quiet start.  But unfortunately Mr. E prefers a bit more action so he suggests “Now” would really be a good time to jump back into the singles scene, with my time off and all. And he always likes to mention this at a low point when I am feeling a little lonely and bored which makes the Executive more than happy to jump and do something before I can change my mind.

See, deep down inside,  I’ve really got mixed feelings about the whole dating thing.  Some days I’m interested and some days I’m not. Because I’ve reached a point where I am totally good being alone.  I enjoy hanging out with myself. Hiking, movies, restaurants, you name it, I’m fine to go all by myself.  I’ve even gotten over the need to bring a book, etc. I’m like Hans Solo, well without the Hans part.

And while, it definitely seems like it would be “nice” to find someone to do things with and certainly get a little something-something….I must admit most times it feels like a lot of effort (especially internet dating which seems more like a job than an adventure) and I’d truly prefer just to leave it up to the universe to align the stars whenever the timing and situation are right.  But without an official dating strategy, Mr. E just likes to call this “lazy”. Thanks for the love, E. Anytime.

So a couple of months ago, Mr. E reved up the “I really should be making an effort to date” thing and off I went off to find “the one”.  Remember back to a post or two ago, I mentioned a weekend hiking date?  Well I had been casually seeing someone for about 2 1/2 months who lived about 2 hours away.   And I knew from our initial conversation, he wasn’t “the one” but he seemed like a decent guy to hang out so I decided to just go with it. Good practice, I told myself.  As you can imagine based on the distance, we only saw each other a handful of times during this period.  But we did talk on the phone and definitely kept in enough daily contact via text that it had consistency and continued momentum.

See, if I’m going to ‘date’, I have to continue to remind myself I need to remember to be a “passenger” not the “driver”.  Because I’m pretty much the driver in everything I do which links back to our previous discussion on male/female energy. (Refer to blog post titled, It’s Official)  Yes, in my new glorified self, I’m going to embrace allowing, going with the flow, being receptive and basking in my beautiful feminine glory. Yeah, right.  Which just means, this whole process is going to be painful.  Hey, what happened to the attitude of gratitude? I’m sorry, I meant, this is definitely going to be a growth process. Stop interrupting, E!

Now might be a good time for me to state for the record, my stance on texting.  As someone who worked in a company that pioneered the first smart phone, texting is actually technically called, SMS.  Or short message service.  Get it?  Not LMS.  Long message service; a.k.a. I’m too wimpy to dial the damn phone and tell you voice to voice what is really going on.  Attitude check, please?

Believe me, texting is great but has a time, place and purpose. Texting to me is perfect for short quick notes, one liners like … “Be there in 5 min” or “I’m here” or “Where are you?” (that one is sent usually to my kids).  Or anything to an established friend/family that is a quick “check this out” or “I’m in a meeting and can’t talk but need to tell you something asap” or “Are you free to chat later” or “urgent message”, etc.  And don’t get me wrong, it also can be used at the right dating points as the sweet “thinking of you” or nice hot juicy sext message, etc but SHOULD NOT, I repeat, SHOULD NOT replace the basic standard communication mechanism for longer important conversations that require more than 160 characters especially when the subject warrants a detailed back and forth Q & A session.  Deep breath. No ranting, remember?

Ok, maybe this isn’t going to work.  Let me regroup.  I’ll think try to use a technique my therapist recommended because I can tell that Mr. E isn’t getting enough action these days and just wants to vent.  I am going to attempt to articulate just the neutral “FACTS” of the scenario vs the “STORY” that I was telling and feeling inside.

FACTS:

• My male “friend” was not following up with scheduling our next date after we had spent an overnight together in the city the week prior.
• When I pinged him about making plans, he response was luke warm but he offered a few time slot suggestions about potentially getting together.  When I replied and suggested we chat on the phone to arrange, he went dark for several days which was inconsistent with his communication patterns over the last 2+ months.
• After not hearing from him for several days, I again reached out to him to check back in. (I KNOW, I KNOW!!  It’s a hard habit to break!!)
• I finally received an “LMS” advising that in the last 3 days he had quit his job, accepted a new one on the East Coast, had been selling, sorting and packing his stuff and will be moving in next 5 days.

WTF??? Wow, would have been nice to get a heads up anywhere in the prior 2 months if not 2 weeks that any or all of this was potentially coming down the pipe. Hyper-V had been circling for days searching for signs and clues of what was happening and PTSD doesn’t like surprises so it turned out to be a bit of an emotional wake up call or “wake up text” I should say. Now, as you can see, I’m ready to talk about my story line that was running in my head as this was happening.

STORY:

• Initially, when he was not making plans with me, I believed it was because; 1) He’s super busy (and I’m not important or a priority). 2) He’s seeing other people (therefore, he’s not trustworthy). 3) He’s just not that into me (contrary to him telling me how crazy he is about me, etc which then makes him a liar on top of it all).
• Then, when I first reached out and he offered some times to get together, it felt half hearted and he went dark again, so I knew there was definitely something wrong.  I thought he’s avoiding me, blowing me off, etc.
• I felt compelled to figure out what was happening because the uncertainty was annoying me so I started debating a hundred of different scenarios of what could be happening and then of course carefully crafted my potential responses to each of those scenarios.
• I also really started to get mad that he wasn’t taking my schedule into consideration.  I had plans pending with other people and was trying to hold time for him but it’s wasn’t going to work even if he gets his act together because I only have a specific window available when I don’t have my kids and if we miss it, it’s going to be 2 more weeks.

Needless to say, I was kinda shocked when I received this via text at 6:45AM on Saturday morning because none of the scenarios I had been running in my head were actually what had been going on.  Interestingly enough, of all the scenarios I had mocked up for him not engaging were all about “me” AND it turns out it actually had nothing to do with “me”.  Literally and figuratively.  He wasn’t even thinking about me.  HA!  This is Mr. E at his finest.  It’s always about him.  Always.

So after I read the message, here is what went through my head.

I was definitely hurt by the communication via text and the timing “after the fact” of what had been happening.  I also felt bad for him as it seemed like he had been going through a lot alone and I could have helped support him through it.  So part of me wanted to bail on him now and the other part of me wanted to help him.  Also, I felt this really strong need for closure and I thought that this was because the poor communication was lighting up a bunch of past pain pictures for me but I realized later, it was much deeper than that.

As the texting hell continues.  I responded back, “Wow. Hope you are ok.  Sounds like this is goodbye, etc.”  No response. I laid in bed and cried for a bit not because of him per se, I was actually totally fine ending this because I was never that attached to him but I just felt a lot of sadness come over me.  Past healing of old wounds, I told myself.

So I continued to type um, “communicate” with him telling him I supported his decision, “I thought it was too bad that we didn’t get to say goodbye, wished him the best, etc.”  Then he chimed in with the maybe we can get together, which then I responded, “No pressure/obligation, I’m sure he was busy”, etc. When he then responded 3 hours later, “he was sorry to have kept me in the dark, how great I’ve been, how hard this was for him to decide, etc.”

At this point, I was on the fence. The part of me wanted closure believed that if I refused to see him at this point, I thought it was my Ego just being mad at him (which I was about the communication part not the leaving part) so I thought, if I did decide to see him, it would be good to smooth it all over, not let my Ego win and end things on a positive note”. (Like a mature adult who knows how to communicate) Sorry, Mr E. needed to get a dig in.  He can’t help it.  Nice story, I was telling myself, eh?  I just didn’t realize it time.  Because Mr. E. is soooooo tricky.

But I did honor myself  on some level and continued to type, “communicate” to him my feelings were hurt (a win for me as I usually don’t tell someone when my feelings have been hurt) about the late news and hearing this all over “text” but I would figure a time to see him before he left. He advised he would call me the next day.  Did he call me the next day? Of course not. See the pattern? Well, not at least until I prompted him AGAIN. (I know, I really need help…first step is to admit you have a problem) Long story short, finally after an hour of real phone conversation where he did all of the talking about himself, for some reason we agreed to connect to say goodbye.  Until I came to my senses 2 days later and cancelled.

See, the whole time I thought I needed closure.  I thought this was about communication. I thought this was about me wanting to support him, be the bigger person, end this on a positive note.  Well, I thought wrong.  You know what I finally figured out a couple of days later?  For me, this was really about control, abandonment and responsibility.

Turns out, I realized I wanted to control the way it ended.  I wanted it on my terms, my way, so I felt safe and didn’t feel abandoned.  This wasn’t energetically about him per se, this was about my father and other men that had left me too.  And you want to know what?  For him, I am 1000% sure this wasn’t about me at all either!  None of the decisions that he made had anything to do with me.

The responsibility part was that I felt I need to “fix” things which looked like a  “support/rescue” mission.  But there was nothing to fix and he wasn’t coming to me for assistance, he was focused on other things in his life and I all needed to do was let go…the first time he disengaged!  Did you notice it took me at least 3 times of re-engagement before I could finally get to this little nugget?  Crazy.    If I had just truly been able to stay in the moment, “Be” not “Do”,  choose Love over Fear, listen to the Soul not the Ego,…and not feel compelled to react or keep jumping in to figure it out what was going on, this would have just had just played itself out and faded quietly away minus the several days of stewing in self inflicted drama. NOTE TO SELF!

Yes, the Ego always wants to “do” something and even when I thought I was doing something to counter act my Ego’s anger or hurt, it was all a trick.  What this lesson was for me again is a good reminder about how in relationships each person is usually wrapped up in their own emotional decisions and projection without the direct input or influence of the other on the situation.  I definitely read the situation correctly, that there was something wrong but I had told myself, it was my responsibility to figure it out, when it wasn’t. I hadn’t done anything wrong so there was nothing to do but sit back and watch it all unfold which Mr. E absolutely cannot stand.

For me, in the end, this actually all turned out positive even though we didn’t get to officially see each other or say goodbye.  I realized all of the above and I didn’t need to see him.   And I’m totally ok with it all.  I carry no ill thoughts whatsoever and I’m honestly very grateful to him for the role he played in this interesting lesson.  I did enjoy our time together and I know this is just all just a part of the journey.  It’s time to take this wisdom and move on.

Next!

Dear Mr. P,

Thank you for all of the love and support over the years.  While you often made me crazy, I know that in certain aspects of my life, you actually pushed me to be the “best me” possible and for that I will always be eternally grateful.

With love, Leandra

Good.  That’s sounds nice.  I want to remember the positives not the negatives about that little perfectionist trait I’ve been carrying around all these years because it’s been a part of me that I need to love regardless.

Want to hear something interesting?  This week, someone had asked me out for drink and was describing this “perfect” date scenario.  And in that moment when I read those words, my body actually shivered.  It was like he hit a nerve and triggered a cellular response to how that word used make me felt emotionally. See, this gentlemen doesn’t know about Mr. P, (and the actual date is a whole separate post within itself) and when he started going on and on about the “perfect this and perfect that”, I realized it was a choice point. And instead of unconsciously absorbing it into my system, my body threw up the red flag and rejected it.

As I sat there and stared at this words for a few minutes, I wanted to scream, “It doesn’t have to be perfect, you know!“.  But I quickly remembered, this is my shit not his and just to stay in the moment, step back and observe the sentiment in which he was trying to convey.  To him, it was harmless thought and really a kind gesture of a great evening but for me, it was interesting how quickly it brought me back to a wound if I let it. As Mr. E toyed with the idea for a minute, I heard:

“Perfection is just being in the moment“

I knew that definitely wasn’t from Mr E and he quietly backed away.  I know I don’t have to do anything to be perfect, I am perfect just the way I am.

Progress.  I can truly say, I have been doing something these last 3 months.  I am evolving.

Do you know what yesterday was?  My three month not working anniversary! Wow, time flies, eh?  And do you want to know what?  I think I’m finally ready to accept it.  Yes, I have realized I have been in nothing but resistance and freaking out about the whole thing and it’s time to change my tune and enjoy it.

I mean how lucky am I just to have the opportunity to be able to take time off and not worry about it from a financial or career perspective?  Very lucky and I have vowed effective immediately to change my perspective about this adventure.  Yes, I’m adopting an “Attitude of Gratitude!”  I’m finally ready to enjoy this “Sabbatical” of mine and make the most of it.  The big question for me is how I can bring a little more fun into my life.

The first thing I would like to make is a conscious effort to get back into writing a bit every day. Even if it’s short, I believe it assists in the healing process and is a creative outlet that feels significant for me right now.  Also, I think I’m going to make a list of some new fun things to try each week.  Branch out a bit and explore the world, well at least the tri-county area for starters.

Yes, I’m going to settle in and embrace this amazing time and appreciate every step of the journey.  So, Happy 3 Month Anniversary, Leandra.  You’ve come a long way, baby! Xoxo

Ruby Skye
420 Mason Street
San Francisco, CA
Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Talib Kweli

A.Dd

Brothers Amor

Xiomara & Armani Cooper

w/ DJ Mr.E on the decks

Hosted by Flossafee & Cali Sounds

Showtime: 8:00pm Doors: 7:30pm
Ticket price: $28.50
Tickets available on-line at: http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=4589855&pl=
21+

***

Ace of Spades
1417 R Street
Sacramento, California
800.204.4401
Thursday, July 19, 2012

Talib Kweli

A.Dd

Xiomara & Armani Cooper

Hosted by Flossafee & Cali Sounds

Doors: 6:30pm
Ticket price: $29.95
Tickets available on-line at: http://www.aceofspadessac.com/events/104671
All Ages

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Samplethiss, Danza Azteca, Deep City Roots & DJ Domino Award presents the 6th Annual OminoDay World Music Festival

OMINODAY Music Festival has been a consistent space to provide a cultural and artistic haven for our community, our families and our youth. Inspired by the life and vision of Andrew “DJ Domino” Ele, OMINODAY celebrates his loving legacy as a youth advocate, community activist and talented DJ. Festivities include a live concert, delicious food, local vendors, youth resource tables and an interactive children’s art and games booth.

OMINODAY brings together the best talent in the Bay Area and from around the country. Performances include music, dance, poetry and DJ’s. Past performers have included such notables as Native Elements, Bayonics, Manicato, Los Rakas, Fogo Na Ropa, Space Heater, UmoVerde and Loco Bloco, Ranking Joe, The Kid Rated R, Big Brooklyn Red, Dos 4 y Los Mios, Dynamic…

OMINODAY seeks to support youth for successful futures and will offer an array of youth resource tables from after school programs, youth clinics, college opportunities and more.

***This in an ALL AGES event, FREE and open to the public and is wheelchair accessible.***

Performances by:
Fog City Mavericks
Dolla City
Manicato
The Purple Team
Starship Connection
Rojai & E-Live

DJs:
Beats Me
Jah Warrior Shelter Hi-Fi
Mr. E
Sake One
Santero
Sean G

For more information visit ominoday.weebly.com

Now, that day date is a whole separate topic but let me see if I can bottom line the critical point of awareness that seemed raise the flag on my current departure.  See, I met this super nice guy and he is kinda different from the other type of guys that I have dated in the past which is slightly unsettling.  Not different in a bad way per se, I think in many cases, some really good ways but for some reason, I was feeling unsure if it was the right match.  And the more I noticed myself mentally running down the list of all the things he was or wasn’t, I realized, Oh no, it’s just not him…it’s ME.  Here I am projecting all of my crap onto him and I’m the one who is different too!  And as you can imagine, this set off a whole lot of alarm bells in my head because I wasn’t sure just how I felt about this little nugget of self discovery.

But what definitely had me taken back by this notion was I that I truly have become content and in a place of completely accepting myself just as I am or should I say “was” and now what…I’m suddenly different?  I’m not who I thought I was? Or am?  Shit, this is confusing.  And is this all…good or bad?  Well, Mr. E thinks it’s bad (of course) and what I realize is that he doesn’t want to admit that the anchor points I have developed within myself for oh, the last 20 years of my adult life are coming undone. Shifting. Moving. Changing. Glup. And the uncertainty of this realization now has everyone freaked out inside to say the least.

See, the “Little Me” tends to get anxious with lack of stability, so the “Big Me” wants to find the “Old Me” as quickly as possible because that is what feels most comfortable and secure.  It’s actually not about the “Old Me” being good or bad, it’s about it being familiar.  And as you can imagine, all of the voices that are speaking the loudest want this little mishap corrected A.S.A.P. Well, everyone except for the “New Me” of course.  (Whoever the heck that is!) Yes, there is the ultimate question that I really should be pondering.  If the “Old Me” is leaving, who is going to replace me?  And if I’m getting an upgrade, can we add a little more to the top?  Just in case I need it later…

Now, the writer is definitely part of the new girl party posse but other than that, the rest of my gal pals haven’t really been discovered yet, (at least, not consciously), which is starting to make all of the other Me’s super crazy in the interim.  No, really?  It’s one thing to lose the old me, but if I can’t figure out or fully understand the new me, that were does that exactly leave ME?? Scared and ungrounded for sure and maybe a new patient candidate for a mental institution? Definitely.

As I have watched myself wrestle with this dilemma over the last couple of weeks, what I do know is that deep down inside regardless of even if I could find the “Old Me”, I’ve come too far to go back even if I could.  Yes, the “Old Me” just no longer works (apparently literally and figuratively) because with the shift I have been making over the last couple of months, I’m definitely past the point of no return. Yikes!  Yep, I’ve realized I’m stuck right smack dab in the middle of some wannabe search and rescue mission for myself with Mr. E leading the charge. And what I have noticed is not just the resistance from Mr. E in the changing of the guard but that there is no stability or security in this unknown space either. So, now what?  Well, all of this confusion starts to makes the Little Me, very, very nervous. Why?  It’s simple.  It has to do with Fate, Destiny and Numerology.

Let me start by defining fate as what has been predetermined and written into our life’s contract before we were born.  It’s the soul’s agreement of incarnation into our body, gender, race, culture, appearance as well as family of origin for the perfect set up for your life’s purpose.  Yep, I hate to break it to you but guess, what?  Each one of you picked all of those teeny tiny details beforehand (yes, even your family) because there is no pre-birth roulette wheel of chance, it was all totally planned out and by YOUR soul, no less!   Brilliant, eh?  Now, once you get here, it’s free will central but I’ll save that topic for another time.  I have really loved learning about my soul’s contract and found it personally empowering because I now know, it’s all connected to a greater purpose.

Let me walk you through myself as an example.  I was born in 1971 in Australia.  Cool, huh?  It’s a great story. As legend has it, my parents met in hitchhiking (in the San Francisco bay area), eloped, jumped on a freight boat to Australia, had my sister and I and then came back and got divorced.  Ok, not an ideal ending but the Sagittarian (which spell check suggests, Sanitarian instead; note to self for future job search) in me just loves the spontaneity and adventure of it all.  Another interesting fact is that also didn’t have a name for 10 days. (Hmm, I now wonder if this somehow is linked to my current identity crisis?)  My mom named my sister and so my Dad got to name me and clearly had a hard time deciding.  It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and my dad was secretly hoping for a boy.  But I popped out and supposedly (thankfully) my mom vetoed Billy Jean Louise so it was just a matter of time until the name “Leandra” came to him in the middle of the night.

Unfortunately once my family returned back to California and parents split, it was a pretty unstable environment.  My mom struggled as a young single mother of two small girls with no money or education with my father basically bailing on top of it all, it wasn’t an easy life.

What I find interesting about this is that I know I definitely signed up to experience these dynamics as a child so I could work through it as a soul lesson. Yes, that is the destiny part but I won’t come full circle until a few years ago.  See, I ended up marrying young (22 years old) because I realized back then (unconsciously) I really craved some stability and security in my life that I had lacked as a child.  And while my marriage was solid on those 2 aspects, as I evolved and developed into myself over the years, what was missing in the other areas of my marriage became a real internal struggle.

Ah, now the perfect lead in to destiny which is learning to work with your challenges so that you can be who and what you truly are (at a soul level) by the power of choice and ultimately how you are able to harness that into being of positive service to others and the world.  The hardest thing I have ever done in my life was to leave my 15 year marriage.  With 2 kids, I had always felt it was critical that the family unit stay together, regardless of my personal happiness.  And it a lot of it was because I was convinced “my kids” absolutely needed that “stability and security”.  When then one day, my extraordinary therapist at that time pointed out, that was MY ISSUE not theirs. And she then kindly added, “They have a whole different set of issues”.   Great.  Now, I’ve ruined my kids in totally other ways.

Here is the funny thing about the universe, when we are not steering towards our destiny, it likes to us send little gentle little reminders to get us on track.  It starts as a whisper (quiet thought in our head), then a knock (problem arises), which if goes unanswered…moves to a nudge (conflict/issues/major choice points) and then a full force bitch slap (physical manifestation of super bad stuff) .  See, while I have actually come to believe that my marriage was part of my contract to experience, I should have left long before I actually did.  I ignored the whispers, knocks and nudges.  Unfortunately, it took me getting physically sick before I could finally muster up the courage to go and to save/heal myself.

Now, the most fun part, let me throw in some Numerology to pull it all together because I just love tying in the Universe’s tools, especially when I find something profound.  First, let me tell you that my lucky number is 4.  It as always been for my entire life.  I remember as a little girl just loving that number and it has stuck with me with a fondness that has really increased over the years.  A few years ago, someone asked me if I was familiar with Numerology.  I wasn’t, so they recommended a book which of course I ordered immediately and dove into the moment it arrived.  This book in particular was about your “Life Path” number which is just one aspect of Numerology.  The way to find out this number is to add all of the numbers of your birth date (month, day, year) together and reduce it down to a final single digit, which guess what my life path number was….4.  So, I think to myself, Wow, that is such a crazy coincidence.  I go and look up what “4″ means and do you know what it says?  4 = Stability and Process.  Holy Guacamole!!  I could go on and on about this because the details are totally fascinatingly but let me just say this…

I now know that my soul choose an unstable childhood for me to experience that type of environment in order to grow, learn and (then hopefully) seek out stability as I grew older.  I found this stability externally through my marriage which then I ultimately had to leave to find internally within myself.  I was so scared to leave because I can now see my 4 year old little self was afraid as she remembered the lack of stability and security that I experienced as a child.  And even though now as an adult, I am successful, independent, capable woman who feels stronger and more secure than ever…well minus the quitting working thing.  Because please note for the record, I have worked ever since I was 16 years old.  Not only has it been part of my identity, it’s been definitely part of my stability too.  See the rub?

The other day I spoke with my therapist about the missing me and how the doing nothing novelty is starting to wearing off.  I told him I think I need some meaning, some purpose.  And that is why I thought the whole writing the book thing would be good for some part of me but now I’m not even sure which part.  But even with that said, I explained to him that I haven’t been writing consistently over the last month so I’m not even really doing anyway and the days are just flying by filled with a whole lot of “nothingness”. Oh sure, I work out, I meditate, I do lots of “meaningless” errands but come on, none of this “counts”.  I am used to having tangible results for my time and effort and without that, I can’t seem to give myself any official credit for doing “something” that a part of me so badly needs to justify for myself on some level.

My therapist reiterated that doing “nothing” is actually doing “something” and what  I am doing is actually “being” which is a total mindset shift and lifestyle change for me, when I hear a voice inside my head say..

“I am not important.”

Wow.  This struck me as I had never had this conscious active thought before about feeling the “need to be important” but regardless I knew immediately who was doing the talking.  But instead of letting my Ego run this little statement up and down the flag pole as fast as possible, I stayed in the observer mode to just listen without judgement or self destruction is more like it.  Yes, I used to fill my day with activities that “seemed” important so in essence I felt worthy, needed, special, significant, stable etc. and now that it was all gone, something else was going with it. And that’s when it hit me.

It was totally ironic.  I thought my Ego was saying to myself “I’m not important” but really it was a statement that turned back a reflection onto my Ego in truth that my Ego IS NO longer the most important thing especially as defined by my career.  WOW.  Powerful and so true.  Especially in light of the memory of Mr. P.  And then I realized, I honestly think I am actually accomplishing “something”. And there it is.

So I guess, for right now, I am the in “Middle Me”.  Somewhere between the Old Me and New Me.  I’m not sure if you are still even with me as I ramble through this post… I know, it’s all a bit of a mess but I promise…you and all the Me’s both, I’ll figure this out soon.

*Honorable Books of Mention – Transforming Fate into Destiny by Robert Ohotto, Your Soul’s Plan by Robert Schwartz, The Life You Were Born to Live by Dan Millman

New video for Mr. E & Talib Kweli‘s So Disgusting, featuring footage from a live show. From We Run This, Vol. 7. Enjoy.