Fedde Le Grand feat. Mr. V: “Back & Forth (Full Vocal Mix)”
Mastiksoul: “Run For Cover (Mastiksoul 2010 Remix)”
Circle Children: “Zulu (Mastiksoul Remix)”
Peter Brown: “Vermella (Original Mix)”
Suzanne Palmer: “Big Love (Etienne Ozborne & Peter Brown Remix)”
Erick Morillo: “Dancin’ (Tristan Garner Remix)”
Robin S & Corey Gibbons: “At My Best (Dirty Hertz Remix)”
Kim English: “Learn 2 Luv (Harry “Choo Choo” Romero Main Mix)”
Nicola Fasano vs Ultra Naté: “No Wasted Hearts (Alex Gaudino & Jason Rooney Mix)”
EDX, Chris Reece & Jerome Isma-Ae: “Ready To Go (Original Mix)”

He’s after all one of the few guys that I trust, so I dare visit him all alone, and be with him all alone, without being afraid of whatever might happen. That’s my version of trust in guys.

Now, I think I’ve told you before that I am somehow afraid of men. I am afraid of getting raped or violated or abused in any kind of way. Just knowing that guys have the power push me down without me having the power to get away – it scares me. The irony of that of course being that if it is with someone I trust, then being pushed up a wall and not being able to get away is like the wettest dream for me.

But I’ve told you all that, what I thought about telling you today, is that it, usually, takes a lot for me to trust a guy and dare be alone with that person. And or me, there’s been only three ways in which I have learned to trust a guy.

1. I get to know the person over a long period of time ( a few years usually) and therefore learn to trust the guy, knowing that he will respect me.

2. I am not at all interested in the guy since he’s a nice guy, or even worse a really nerdy, shy nice guy. Since he’s a nice guy it will go faster for me to trust that person. It might still take some time though, at least a few months.  I guess the guy being Gay also falls into this category, since that would make neither of us interested, and thus making it easier for me to trust in him.

or 3. I fall in love with the person. It gives instant access to my trust since I’m not afraid of getting raped by this person, since well… I’m in love it’s more like “come and take me”. So I just can’t be afraid. And even if I slightly am, it’s only bound to excite me. Yes, when it comes to guys I find interesting, or even love, then all I can think about is the sex.

Hypocrite, I know.

So, examples here. Mr V was type no 3 when I was in love with him so many summers ago. But as soon as I stopped  loving him, we went back to square one (that’s the catch) and then he became type no 1 an thus I trust him. ( I have known him pretty closely for what? Four years?)

the M in the couple S&M is a no 2 for me. He’s a total nice guy, which is really nice for my cute S, but that is an absolute no-no for me. I don’t think I ever even looked at him even though I know he’s like… the perfect guy. He’s really sweet and handsome and all that. Kind of cute movie-star in a chic-flick? You know the nice ones? But as I said, even though he’s like that I was never even interested in the least. ’cause I just ain’t in to nice guys.  I wish I were though, life would be so much easier with a faithful nice guy who would do anything for you, instead of the hurtful but exciting Sweet Badboy…

Then I would say Mr One is no 3. Even though I’m not in love wit him at the moment, somehow that’s how I got to know him, and we still haven’t change the way we talk and act around each other. If it was up to type no 1 on him the trust would have been going to the bottom a few times when he’s stood me up for several occasions.

looking at it like this, it just looks weird. But that’s the way it is for me. They all fall in to different pockets. If you have fallen into category no 2, then you’re probably doomed on the whole lovers front, even the sex front. But the other two are open for evaluation so to speak.

…

Somehow I started feeling weird. Maybe it’s just ’cause I’m extremely tired but tomorrow I’ll give you the column I’ve been thinking about today, and hopefully it won’t be as messy as this.

For now, you’ll just have to deal with me being all whimsical.

//Tease

So what’s confusing me? What am I thinking about?

I’m starting to loose my own boundaries. I can’t decide what I want, if I want to or not, or if I can wait.

Let’s be clear here; I haven’t had sex since I had the one night stand with Mr V, which was last year in… June or July. Really, that summer is so fucked up in my head because of all the thoughts and the sliding away into them that remembering what actually happened outside my head is a big problem. But I think it was June… or July. What does it matter anyway?

So, of course, I’m fairly frustrated. So frustrated that I’ve been seriously starting to compromise my own morals and rules.

Ever since I had sex with Mr V, I decided  that I wouldn’t have another one-night. The reason not really being that he was bad, just that it didn’t exactly feel right. And afterwards there were no cuddling. If I wanted no cuddling then I could just have sex with Mr K again.

So I decided, I wanted sex, and I wanted cuddling.

I wasn’t at that point though ready for a relationship, so I contemplated a Fuck buddy. My first thought was, of course, Mr One. And when he visited my city we almost had sex. But we were at a friend’s apartment – and she forbid us to do anything. So through everything we did anyway I made sure we at least didn’t have sex for real.

And it was a memory, and so since I felt such a need for him, I decided that maybe, I could have him as a fuck buddy, or maybe even as a one night. I could handle that.

Then Mr H came along, I fell for him and Mr One went out of my mind. (such perfect timing… is the universe trying to keep me away from Mr One, seriously?)

When that didn’t work out, and the day I got my heart broken I texted Mr One.

He didn’t answer.

Instead followed another period of doubt for the male gender and picking up more pieces of broken heart. And in all that, I missed Mr One. I did.

But I still had my need for sex, and he wasn’t answering. (Like this, after hand, I realize he must have been talking to Miss G, who he later got together with for a few days)

That’s when I found E. And truthfully, E was for me what BC (another community that doesn’t exist anymore) was when I was 14 and depressed.(reminds me, that’s where I found so many of the friends that are now so close to me. That’s also how I met Mr One)

Suddenly, the kind people of E, and especially Mr Knight, had pulled me out of my sadness after Mr H, and I didn’t even look back at all. I still don’t. He just wasn’t it.

At the same time as I got closer to Mr Knight, I talked to Mr One about the fuck-buddy thing. A few days later he and Miss G was together. But from here, you all know that story. It was somewhere in all this mess that me and Pleasure talked about how awesome it would be to share a blog. And we pulled in Feeling into our ideas, and shortly after Truth was in it as well.

So why am I telling you all this?

Truthfully, I’m not entirely sure. What I mean to say, is that I at the moment am confused. I think about the past, I miss the future, and I have no idea about what the hell is happening at the moment.

I scared about Mr Knight, he’s being so nice. No, he’s being so perfect it’s annoying me. And because he is, and not at all acting like I’m used to guys acting, I’m scared. And confused. And I’ve even tried pushing him away. I’ve showed him all the bad sides of myself that I possibly can over the net. I’ve yelled at him, I’ve been a PMS-bitch, I’ve cried and called him stupid so many times I lost count. Yet, he’s not even budging.

And on the other hand, I’m chasing after Mr One and not getting too much of an response. He replies more often than before, but not like before. Not like when we were together for so many years ago. And I found myself wondering in what way he answers other peoples messages. Is he just bad at it, or is he sometimes ignoring me?

And then I thought: If Mr Knight had my number and we could be texting, he would never miss texting me back.

In the middle of this comes the confusion about Mr K’s actions. I’ve been dreaming about him again. Not in a bad way, he’s just there. And I have no idea what it means. I’ve also been dreaming about his girlfriend. She has after all been crying every time she’s been near me. I’ve been thinking about her. About how she looks just the way I felt being Mr K. None of them looks happy. She’s crying, and he’s getting fat.

I just wonder what the hell he’s doing to her.

Somehow, I feel myself caring about what happens to a stranger. I don’t want her to get hurt the way I did. She looks so nice, so sweet. So innocent. And broken down.

And all these thoughts keeps swirling around, along with the stress for school, the need to go out  and run, and the lust.

And as I listen to my Mp3 I notice that I have one song for each person on my Mp3.

When did things become this complicated?

//Tease

But then, then I graduate and I will tell you all about Mr K, and then I’ll leave him behind, forever! That, for one thing, is an incredible carrot to work hard this last week of hell.

And then, this summer I have a few things planned.

You see, today I talked with Mr One. He just happened to decide to text me… (incoming thoughts that can’t be denied)

( finally he’s talking to me again! It turned out that before, he had switched number while dating that girl… she apparently didn’t have the same phone operator so! he switched. That’s the type of guy he is. I’ll never figure out though why he’s telling me so little about his gf’s these days… Anyway! I should be happy our drifting apart period wasn’t very long this time I hate it when he’s in new relationships. Though after a while, even if he’s still with the girl he always comes back to me =3 Just like I always somehow come back to him…)

… and of course, I’m still after hours and hours still texting with him.

We’re talking about this summer. This summer, I have decided to go visit him. Then I can visit him for a whole week if I want to, without school getting in the way, and we will go swimming, and he will give me a massage while we watch a silly movie (his Idea <3 I loved it) and we’ll just chill and have fun. And then we’ll probably have sex… I can’t deny that fact.

I also can’t deny that I’m worried. But I’ve been worrying about the consequences for like… three years? So I’m sick of it. I want to. He wants to. Why not?

Yet, of course I asked him the question (in a little more of a disguise than this. I use the “I’m researching how guys look at these stuff. So what do you think?” -method. It works fro me very well since I use it often and even when I don’t mean to find out an answer for just one specific person. That way, no one will think more of your questions ;P) “would you be able to have a serious relationship with someone you’ve had as a fuckbuddy/one night?”

And he answered “It wouldn’t be the best way to start, but yes, I would definitely be able to do that”

I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I hope I’m not making a mistake here. I hope to god I’m not going to ruin my chances of maybe sometime getting together with him seriously. But I just can’t care anymore. Being this frustrated, and wanting him so badly… Well I just can’t stand it. I will worry about the future later. And while I’m in the present doing him, I will fucking give him something to remember…

ehum…

But other than that I decided to invite him to the road trip me and Mr V, and the couple S&M will be having this summer. ’cause I miss spending time him. And I won’t let him just forget me. I can’t let him do that…

So hopefully I’ll rekindle our friendship a little, probably have good sex, and while I’m at it maybe I can make him remember why he loved me so deeply once if he ever forgot that. Not for now, but for later. For the future =3

I’m counting on us living closer sometime. Weirdly enough I am. A hunch? Hope? I don’t know. I just think that someday that will happen.

And now we’re planning on going shopping this summer. He’ll be helping me pick out new underwear and a bikini. Heh.

I really am frustrated – I instantly thought of some hot sex in the changing room… Hmm… which  stores have those good changing rooms with locked doors without peek-holes?

Maybe I should make some preparation-research. hehe.

I just can’t wait for the summer. Just one more week of hell, and then one more week of useless activities in school, preparing for the last things. And then. Then.

Heaven.

//Tease

Uh oh, someone is posting the Album of the Week late…and that someone is me!

This week’s choice is not quite the norm for me, but not all of my picks are based on love or popularity…but more because I’m actually listening to it. I had this fiendish desire to have a Hip-Hop pick this week, since I’ve had some complaints that I don’t have enough (i guess my Black card is getting revoked).  Nothing really moved me though, and this week more than others, I desperately needed something that would move me figuratively and literally.

If you read Style Diary, Week 4, you’ll know that I’ve been lazy, so much so that I called it the Week of Sloth.  So I did the unthinkable and went with some House music for my choice.  As for as ‘Dance” genre, I like more drum and bass or some sort of electro-pop/rock/ or hip-hop fusion (DJ Shadow almost won, but I wanted something i haven’t heard); House isn’t normally my cup of tea, but I can deal with it in doses.  The right dose is apparently, Strictly Rhythms Volume 2 Mixed by Mr V,  which is a compilation album of popular House singles and remixes. It’s the perfect way not to get lyrics stuck in my head, focus, and get moving.  The album puts me in a rhythmic trace that allows me to not only focus consistently and get some work done, but also has me dancing and working out. So kudos to House music.

The rhythm of the songs have been the impetus to keeping me productive, La Mezcia, Carnival 93 and Get Up are my top choices off the album… I might need to make Get Up my alarm in the mornings! Give them a listen and see if an overwhelming energy doesn’t take over your body!

Since I didn’t find a Hip-Hop pick, I thought it would be appropriate to post this new remix of Drake’s Money to Blow, by A-trak that came out this week…it’s kind of a compromise (not exactly a compromise, original Blow record is weak, and definitely needed a dose of some energy) between what I wanted this week and what I ended up picking. Although this one, doesn’t make me productive…it makes me want to be at the club wasted at 2am jumping up and down…that’ll be this weekend! ha!

Hmmm….I wonder how that 24-hour champagne diet would work out?

A-Trak x Drake x Birdman, “Loonies to Blow”