Tawny Kitaen

What’s in the store for you this week: Tawny Kitaen is officially charged and a Charger is officially suspected. A Bulgarian politician receives ‘highest’ honor ever, Tennessee applies for Statehood, and New Yorkers get drunk on a wild turkey. Not to mention….are you ready? Here it comes….the Patron Deity of The Bar Non: David Hasselhoff!  Click below on the title or link below to see it all.

Dregs

Nov 27: Bulgarian Prime Minister Receives Highest Honor

Bulgarians have decided to name their local brandy “Borisovka” after their Prime Minister Boiko Borisov to thank him for nixing plans to increase tax on alcohol. If you want to thank me for keeping this blog regular for over three months, you could name a kind of cigarette after me…

Hard to believe, but the idea of linking booze and politicians isn’t new. Russians did the same with Putin and Vodka:

i'd Like To Taste Tatiana's Putinka

Nov 23: Tennessee Pretends To Be Civilized

In an effort to get the “Tennessee: The Trailer Trash State” motto removed from license plates, a Tennessean judge (pro’lly bussed in from San Francisco, or some other hippy sanctuary city) blocked a law that had been on the books since July, allowing gun owners to carry firearms into bars. If you can’t get loaded and drunk in Tennessee, where can you do it?

Can i Carry My Shot-Gun?

Can i Still Drink A Shooter?

Don't Worry, It's Still Legal In Alaska (i'm Pretty Sure)

It's Loaded And Me Too

Nov 23: New Yorkers Drunk On A Wild Turkey

Citizens of New York City had a lot to give thanks for on Thursday’s Thanksgiving. O’Casey’s Tavern in Midtown Manhattan master-basted a turkey for three days in peach, raspberry, cherry and apple flavored vodkas. The secret ingredient? Georgi, 100-proof vodka. The gravy was also spiked with distilled alcohol.

Georgi Vodka Ad In New York City

The Girl 'Behind' the Georgi Vodka Ad

Speaking of hot women and Thanksgiving, a shout out to Miss Demeanor and the excellent Thanksgiving spread she put on for me and the little Alkies, including homemade pumpkin pie. Normally i avoid Thanksgiving like AA in Utah because it just feels wrong celebrating it in Yeman without my family, but Miss D made me realize she and my kids are my family.

Celebrity Dregs

Nov 28: Tawny Kitaen Charged

Remember a couple months ago when i posted the Tawny Kitaen mugshot? Well, last Friday she was officially charged with DUI and faces up to 6-months and 1 grand.

While we’re on her, here are some shots:

Tawny In "The Perils Of Gwendoline"

Nov 23: Charger Charged (Well, ‘Suspected’ Anyway)

In a true example of Criminal Justice, Antonio Cromartie was in a San Diego bar the other night and, horror of all horrors, not only witnessed but became involved in a champagne spraying contest between two tables. Probably from a country too poor to pour, Antonio took matters (and a bottle of champagne) into his own hands when he chucked the bottle at the offending group wasting the good stuff. He cracked some guy’s head open and while police may be questioning him, we here at the Bar None are applauding him.

Nov 27: Hoff-pitalized

Wass'up!!!

Yes, ’tis true, the Patron Deity of the Bar None was hospitalized last Friday for a ’seizure’. (You say ’seizure’, i say ‘power barfing’.) Apparently, he’d been binge drinking for two days straight. Petering out early isn’t like him. He must be getting old. i’m a little worried about his health if he can only go on a 2-day bender. Rumor has it, his camera-girl daughter was the one who called 911.  A drink to your health, Hoff. May you be up and back in the bar None before you totally sober up.

On the juiced-box, dedicated to Donald Crawford: The Holograms – Drunk Dial

[Press 'Play']

Here’s an excerpt of the 911 call (as an mp3) where he talks about his truck being ‘tooken’.

[Press 'Play' to feel better about yourself.]

This guy might be bad, but i still say the drunk guy who got arrested for fondling the nurse who was delivering his baby takes the keg.

Here’s a recent acquisition on the juiced-box, drafted especially for Ken. In my review of The Limits Of Control, i referenced an LCD Soundsystem song called “Daft Punk Is Playing At My House”. Ken said the title tickled his funny bone, and whatever a regular wants, a regular gets.

Christopher Sharpe

Boca Raton, Florida Any news clip that starts with, “He had nailed and duct-taped blankets to the windows and set the air conditioner on high in attempts to conceal the body decaying…” is going to one that grabs my attention. This particular tale seemed to grow stranger by the paragraph. And I’m afraid to admit, if it appeared strange to me, the rest of you are really going to enjoy it. So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to Christopher Sharpe (49) and his ex-girlfriend, Pamela Powers (46).

Pamela Powers

Pamela is said to have lived a life of glamour. Once a Playboy model, she was exposed to a life of hobnobbing with some celebrities. How the fuck she ran across Christopher is a mind-bender. I believe it’s safe to say the last years of her life didn’t go so well. She and Christopher lived together off and on – and I imagine the “off” times more than likely followed them beating the shit out of each other which has been documented with the numerous arrests they both shared for battery. At least they shared in the responsibility.

I think it’s also safe to say they were in the “off” cycle of their relationship around Halloween. That’s when her roommate last saw her – as she left their place to attend a party. He called the police a couple of weeks later to report a concern and hesitated that long because he thought she had either decided to go on a vacation or had hooked back up with her old ass beau.

The cops went to Christopher’s house and knocked upon the door but he wasn’t gonna have any company at that time I guess. He was kind of busy watching Pamela rot on the floor. It was shortly before midnight the following evening that police executed a search warrant and broke into the house. There they found Christopher asleep on the couch and I imagine a bit surprised. Especially when they found a 2 1/2-week rotting naked body smelling to high heaven melting onto other surfaces.

Police said Sharpe appeared puzzled about her body there doing all sorts of funky things and stated he must have been in a black-out. “He said that in his mind, there was no way he could do anything like this.” Although it’s a stretch and a big one at that, say he stabbed her numerous times (which is what the preliminary accounts state), wouldn’t that smell bring him straight out of a black out at some point in time? I mean, come on…that fucking stinks like nothing you’ve ever smelled. Surely you’ve smelled what a dead mouse is like…they’re tiny. Compound that smell and you’ll be on the same page as me.

I think the most bizarre aspect of this story is the great lengths he went through to try to control the smell…in a black out mind you. He nailed and taped blankets over the windows, cranked the AC, and get this: he lathered her smelly corpse with air fresheners and baby powder. Oh. Hell. Yes. That’s some serious black-out brain power happening there, folks.

Needless to say, Christopher was so busted. For murder. No shit.

Wonder what scents he tried…

Source1 | Source2 | Source3

Find Out What Dregs Paris Is Digging For Below

On tap this week: Prince Harry kisses another guy for a beer, Johnny Depp drunk, Shayne Lamas DWI, Alexandra Kerry DUI, Elizabeth Hurley’s vodka diet, multiple drunken suicide attempts, a really bad Santa, a primary school principle pulled over for drunk driving in a dress, Elizabeth Hurley hot, Paris Hilton hot, Alexandra Kerry in a see-thru dress, Shayne Lamas in a bikini, spankings, floggings and oh so much more…

Dregs

As this post is dedicated to Ken, one of the regulars who’s sent me most of the links i’m covering today, i’m putting a quarter in the juiced-box and playing a song he brought up yesterday in comments to my Twilight Saga: Hew Moon Booze Revooze post. Here’s The Runaways covering ”Eight Days A Week”.

[Press 'Play' to Runaway]

Nov 19: Police See Through John Kerry’s Daughter

Alexandra Kerry Mug Shot

At 12:40am, police pulled Alexandra Forbes Kerry (36) over for driving erratically. How do i know you shoulda voted for Kerry like i did in 2004? His daughter wasn’t smart enough to pass a field sobriety test but she was smart enough to refuse a breathalyzer. How many times do i gotta tell you guys? ALWAYS refuse a breathalyzer. Alex (can i call her ‘Alex’?) was taken downtown and given the regulation blood alcohol exam and tested 0.06%. The entire US considers 0.08% to be over the top so, while the law could still go after her for driving erratically because of the booze, the District Attorney has let it be known he’ll pass on this one. Maybe if Stephanie Pratt wore see through dresses at French film festivals she coulda got away with her slight infraction.

Nov 15: Really Really Bad Santa

i love a parade. Especially one where Santa shows up. And really especially when he drives drunk in the parade. A 51-year-old Santa in Cambridge, Ontario was pulled over for drunk driving. As Santa. In a parade. And you thought Canadians didn’t party.

Nov 10: MADD Cop Stopped For DUI

Gerald Gibson (51) is a cop in Ohio. C’mon, any state that sounds like a yawn is bound to be boring as hall. Trying to shake things up a little, Gerry was pulled over after crossing the middle line. He refused a field breathalyzer as well (see, if a cop knows to refuse the test in the field, so should you) and was taken to the pokey. So what? So he was an off duty State Trooper who was honored as Trooper of the Year in 2002 and was honored by Mothers Against Drunk Drivers in 1997 for his madd skills of arresting the most drunk drivers in Lima (Ohio, not the bean) that year. Here at the Bar None, Drunks Against Mad Mothers (DAMM) are working on a new award for him.

Nov 12: Soccer Player Sentenced To Spanking

You know how i know Nigeria is a backwards country? It’s not because a soccer player (Stephen Worgu) who was busted for drunk driving has to pay $105. It’s not even because he was also sentenced to 40 lashes.  i know Nigeria is a backwards ass country because the other charge Worgu faces is consuming alcohol! Alcohol is against the law in northern Sudan! That’s how i know. First you go to a bar and then you go behind them.

Nov 14: Ugandan Official Suggests Caning Dead Bodies

Nigeria, however, is not the big winner of Most Backwards Ass Country of the Week award that everyone has been coveting their pants off. The big winner this week is Uganda. Edwin Komakech said people who die from drinking local moonshine (waragi) distilled with methanol should have their corpses caned six times to serve as an example to the living. i’ve heard about flogging a dead horse, but a dead ass?

Nov 10: Elementary School Principal Busted For DUI In A Dress

With A Name Like 'Tracy' What Do You Expect

Knowing he was leaving a Halloween party in a bar kinda takes the fun out of it, but doesn’t change the fact that Tracy Tredway, an elementary school principal in Indiana, was walking unsteadily (on heels, hey, give the guy a break) then driving unsteadily (hey, could still be the heels) when he was pulled over. He blew 0.19 and was charged. He’s now on forced recess from Riddle Elementary School.

Nov 16: The $18,000 Lowenbrau

You thought my bar bills were high… A bottle of Lowenbrau pulled from the wreckage of the 1937 Hindenburg airship disaster (think cover of Led Zeppelin’s first album) sold for £11,000 (that’s $18,124 in real money) in an auction probably somewhere in England. Now that i’ve wet your whistle with Zeppelin, i’ll give you a taste. Here’s “Hey Hey, What Can I Do” from the juiced-box:

[Press 'Play' and let the rock do the rest]

Nov 15: Prince Harry Kisses Guy For Beer

In other non-news, Prince Harry kissed a guy in a bar for a free beer. An Englishman kissing another Englishman for beer? Yeah, in other breaking news, the Pope is Catholic and George Bush Was Clueless During His Presidency. Seems that Harry was hanging out with his mates in a pub in Stevenage, England. Some chap called Rocky Bennett told the hair to the throne that he’d buy him a pint if he could kiss him. Harry laughed and let Rocky kiss him on the cheek. Hence the British term: cheeky bastard. i’m betting Rocky ran straight home to wank.

Nov 14: Guy Jumps Out Of 5th Floor Window. Twice.

Saving the best for last… This 22-year-old Russian guy doesn’t take to well to vodka—or marriage. After drinking three fifths of Moscow Holy Water, Alexei Roskov stood up, walked over to his fifth floor window, opened it and jumped out. Then survived. So he walked back to his apartment, where his wife had called an ambulance and started yelling at him for his action. She was nagging so much that he went and did it again. And survived again, with nothing more than a couple scratches. He says he’s gone totally T, but i’m guessing the wife will push him to drink again in no time.

Celebrity Dregs

Nov 12: Elizabeth Hurley’s Vodka Diet

Elizabeth Hurley At The Bar None

Elizabeth Hurley is hotter at 44 than many girls at half that age, and she owes it all to vodka. Turns out i’ve been practicing the Elizabeth Hurley diet as well, and i’ll be damned if my man boobs aren’t almost as big as hers. Seems she only has one meal a day and switched out coffee and wine for vodka. Maybe she’s really Elizabeth Hurl-ey. I haven’t Hurl-ied in a long time, though, which would explain my excess baggage.

Anyway, you be the judge:

Nov 18th Johnny Depp Drunk

i’m a huge Johnny Depp fan for reasons too long to go into here. Let’s just say i admire him for being a talented actor who refused to play the ‘good looks’ card and insisted on appearing in movies he could believe in. That and he was super drunk after being elected the sexiest man alive. Again. The video’s here at TMZ. If you watch it, check out how he signs his autograph towards the end. Looks easy enough to forge….

Johnny Depp At The Bar None

Nov 18th: Fighting Is The New DUI

Trendsetter Paris Hilton is at it again. After Rachel Christie (ex-Miss England) and Mischa Barton, Ms Hilton has decided to get in the ring. Paris chose to duke it out with Doug Reinhardt who i’m guessing is her current boyfriend but i can’t be bothered to care enough to verify this. Apparently police responded to a “Drunk People Arguing” call and the cops came to find the couple in a shoving match. No arrests were made: No blood, no crime.

Nov 15: Shayne Lamas DWI

Apparently no one told Shayne Lamas that drunk driving is out and celebrity boxing is in. This Stephanie Pratt wannabe decided to promote her new reality show by getting busted last week. Ho-hum, how passé. i’ll help her out, though, if it means looking up Lorenzo Lamas’s daughter in a bikini:

Diary-a Dregs

Another stellar week in the Bar None. i’d like to personally thank each and every one of you who took the time to patronize me this week and i will if you leave a comment.

Rather than blather on about the figures, i’d like to show you…

Total hits last week? 810. This week? 6,545.

It would seem Kate Beckinsale is the new Megan Fox. Here are the results for the Booze Revooze of Whiteout:

The high point you see is from last Friday: 945 views.

Thank you Ms Beckinsale, and your ta-tas.

]]> http://pjensi.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/dregs-of-the-week-nov-08-nov-15-or-so/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:28:33 +0000 Al K Hall http://pjensi.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/dregs-of-the-week-nov-08-nov-15-or-so/

From the Juiced-box to get things rolling, in honor of the Australia post below (’cause the Sick Puppies are Aussie):

[Press 'Play' to kick off the jams]

Near Miss

Nov 6: Miss Loses Crown, Goes For Title

Miss England lost her crown last Friday after getting a bar fight with Miss Manchester over a Gladiator. Rachel Christie (Miss England) punched out Sara Jones (Miss Manchester), got arrested and had to withdraw from the Miss World Competition. She plans to concentrate her hopes on Olympic gold, but in some ‘event’ called the ‘heptathlon’, not in boxing! We here at the Bar None would love to see Rachel Christie throw down with Mischa Barton. In bikinis. With Jello.

Nov 10: Don’t Drink And Fly

A man whose name sounds like a U.S. map, 51-year-old Erwin Vermont Washington, wanted to fly higher than ever. Things didn’t really take off, though, because he was taken off a plane, given a Breathalyzer and arrested before things got off the ground. The only problem was, he was the pilot. An employee tattled on him and the test, given out of view of passengers, proved his BAC was too high to fly. What was he charged with? Attempted FWI? It wasn’t his fault, if you ask me: 0.02% is the legal limit for flying while 0.08% is for driving a car. How fair is that?

Nov 10: Drunk Woman Falls On Subway Tracks: VIDEO

A video is worth a thousand words. Nothing to add except i think her problem was all the red boxes flying around her while she was so stinking drunk.

Click on the picture to see the video

Nov 15: Stephanie Pratt Should Move To Australia

Stephanie Pratt was the surreality actress who earned herself a mug shot a couple weeks ago. The real tragedy behind the arrest isn’t that she pleaded not guilty and will go to rehab instead of jail (this according to TMZ) but that she was arrested to begin with! She only blew 0.09, for chrissakes! 0.08 is the legal limit and she blew 0.01 over! Freaking 0.01%! That’s like the total percent of writer’s who don’t drink! Steph should move to Australia where this one couple got arrested for DWI three times—in three hours. (Shattering the previous record of twice in four hours, set by Talitha Gorea.) It goes like this: Just after midnight, a 37-year-old Australian guy driving with his 27-year-old girlfriend get pulled over. He was breath tested and was over the legal limit. Police didn’t arrest him but noticed his companion was drunk and told her not to drive. An hour later, police pulled her over—on the same street. Same offense. At 3:05, police stopped the couple again, on the same street, with the man behind the wheel again. He was tested again, found to be over the limit again, but refused to follow police back to HQ and was not arrested anyway! Screw it, i’m moving to Australia with Stephanie Pratt.

Nov 13: Canadian Club Spill

It was a disaster of epic proportions, perhaps even more tragic than the Vodka tsunami that prompted the Bar None’s first Stoli War (AKA ‘Vodkwā’). A tanker carrying 7,000 gallons of Canadian Club whiskey overturned faster than a whiskey shot in an Irish pub. Oh, the humanity! Roads were closed, Canadians were weeping in Clubs, drinkers were left high and dry the world over. Relief efforts included sending a crack team from the Bar None to lick up the mess, but by the time we arrived it was too late: T-totaling firemen had already hosed down the road. How can a loving god let things like this happen?

Nov 8: Man Celebrates 63rd Arrest

Jim Crowe’s younger brother, John Crowe was busted for stealing three bottles of champagne in a Chicago Whole Foods. He was gonna just be charged with misdemeanor (no relation to Miss Demeanor) retail theft but that was upgraded to a felony when cops sorted through his 50+ aliases and realized it was his 63rd arrest. Here’s the Mug Shot:

Busted Before He Could Celebrate

Celebrity Dregs

Before you go any further, a theme for the next next post:

[Press 'Play' to hear a cool, jazzy version of "I Kissed A Girl", live and unplugged]

A Lohan Two-Fer

Nov 13: Lohan Got A Lift

Lohan pulled the same crap as John Crowe (above) but didn’t get arrested. She was at this club called the Crown Bar, ordered a bottle of Champagne and when the bill came, she pointed at another table and told the waitress to put it on that guy’s tab (turns out it was Twilight’s Kellan Lutz). After she finished it, she took off without paying…just like a John Crowe. Maybe she could give him lessons on how to lift champagne. Or maybe he should hang out in better clubs than

Whole Foods.

Nov 14: A Nice Piece (Of ADVICE, You Pervs!)

Lindsay (’cause i’m tight with her like that and call her by her first name) had a lesson to learn the day after the champagne boost. She went to a party of people less screwed up than herself (yes, it was a big party) and hung out with Courtenay Semel (her first lesbian love, the one before Samantha Ronson). Here’s a little photo of the couple in the good ol’ days. Tongues start wagging and it turns out Courtenay not only has a stupid name (i think ‘Semel’ is French for what her privates do after 3 hours in tight leather) but she also just got out of rehab! Eeek! She nagged Lindsay so much that Poorhan ran out of the party in tears. What are friends for? Not for freaking that, i’m here to tell you.

More nice pieces:

Lindsay At The Bar None

Nov 10 Joss Stoned Hates Booze

Speaking of hot, young, talented, pretty girls with no brains… Joss Stone gave an interview to Star Magazine where the head-bonger blasphemes that weed is better than alcohol! According to her, marijuana makes you laugh and alcohol makes you kick the spit out of everyone. Not True! i’ve been in tons of fights on booze and have not kicked one ass yet.

Here’s the good news:

What’s more is, i heard she can sing from her diaphragm! i’d like to see a photo of that!

One for the road, in keeping with the lesbian theme:

Joss Stone Kissing A Girl On The UK Series "Snapper"

Bar None Dregs

i just want to bend your ears for a second and share some of the love.

What do these numbers mean: 9-1-13-51-89?

They are the average numbers of page reads per day for each month since starting the Diary-a Of A Chronicle Drinker, last July.

Yesterday (Nov 14) was my world record day, 161 page views. Until today. There are still 3 hours left, but i’ve already broken my 200-reader cherry. My next trick is to break the cherry of 200 readers…

Point is, if you’re reading this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Tons of people are reading these pages with you, so don’t be shy. Leave your mark! Leave a comment! If nothing else, just a word to say Hi, or Thanks or Where’s The John? We’re drinkers people! If you’re a little timid, remember, this is The BAR NONE. Just have a shot and then take one.

i humbly thank you from the bottle of my bottle. i appreciate your patronizing me and if you had fun, invite a friend.

Okay, for 2010, can we all commit to following the principle that the male perm is not a jail-friendly hairstyle?  If you have one, just stay out of jail.  Nobody wants to see you looking like Thing 1 and Thing 2 from the Dr. Suess books.  Speaking of which, how long is James Brown’s rap sheet?  Is DMX trying to break his record?  Messin’ with them white girls, I guess…or that white girl (*cocaine*).

James looks like he's fresh off a performance...not the worst thing I've ever seen.

This right here? This IS the worst thing I've ever seen. James looks like Darnell's mama from up the block with the full 5:00 shadow who chain-smokes Virginia Slims on her porch all day.

Um...Buffalo Soldier?

A British man on the run from police sent a picture of himself to his local paper because he disliked the mugshot they had printed of him as part of a public appeal to track him down.

South Wales Police had issued media with the photo of Matthew Maynard, wanted by officers investigating a house burglary, as part of a crackdown on crime in Swansea.

When it appeared in the South Wales Evening Post, the 23-year-old sent the newspaper a replacement photo of himself standing in front of a police van. They obligingly printed it on the front page.

The police thanked him for helping them in their appeal, saying: “Everyone in Swansea will know what he looks like now.”

Mischa At The Bar None: Gin in a Wine Glass (Ok, not really)

Oct 12: Drunk Man Arrested: Flirts With Nurse Delivering His Baby, Misses Birth of 1st Child. i love this kind of story because i can honestly say i’ve never gone this far. People like this guy make me feel normal.

Adam Manning, 30 years old, showed up at the hospital with his pregnant wife/girlfriend (the web has both) and started eying the nurse wheeling the mother of his child. Apparently he liked what he saw because he told the nurse how attractive she was, started tickling her neck and then grabbed her breast with his significant other right there in the wheelchair. His first child, a son, was born without Adam, who had been arrested by the Ogden (Utah) police. A drink to Adam for being able to get drunk in Utah to begin with.

Adam Manning's Mug Shot

Coming Up: Mischa Barton Bar Fight

Nov 3: Drunk Jockeys Ruin Mayan Horse Race Guatemalans gathered in handfuls in Todos Santos Cuchumatan (sounds like something you say when barfing, doesn’t it? “CCUUUUUUUUUchum-um-umaTTTAAAANNNN”) to witness a traditional Mayan horse race, where riders go back and forth along a 330-foot stretch of road for seven hours. Unfortunately, things turned ugly because many of the jockeys were wasted on the moonshine they’d started pounding days before the contest. Apparently no one told them the ancient Mayans didn’t intend the race to be a drinking game (“What? This isn’t called ‘Quarters Horses’?”). At least two riders fell off their mounts; one was trampled and carried out of the mud by the crowd, another was seen stumbling off the track all bloodied. But hey, wouldn’t you get as drunk as possible whenever possible if your ancestors told you the world was going to end in two years?

Nov 4: Underage Man in Breathalyzer Suit Busted for DUI. On Halloween evening in Oxford, Ohio, 20-year-old James P Miller decided to drive the wrong way down a one-way street with his headlights off. An even worse idea was doing this while wearing a Breathalyzer costume. And holding an open beer. With more in the trunk. He was busted for:

1. Operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated
2. Underage possession of alcohol
3. Having an open container of alcohol
4. Possessing a fake i.d.
5. Driving the wrong way on a one-way street
6. Being a rocket scientist (yeah, not really)

He blew a 0.158, nearly twice the legal limit of 0.08. (Click here to see the BAC scale.) My question is, did the police make him blow himself?

Is It Just Me Or Is His Straw Bent?

Nov. 6: Drunk Driver Calls 911 For Stolen Weed Remember the woman who called 911 to report herself as a drunk driver? Calvin Hoover (21-years-old) did her one better. He called 9-1-1 in Salem, Oregon to report that, while he was in a bar, someone broke into his pickup and stole $400, a jacket and $180 worth of marijuana. Police tried to track him down but couldn’t. Fortunately, he called back and asked what the F was up, complaining that the deputies had not arrived. Apparently it was difficult to understand him because he was driving and puking simultaneously. (i bet he was just saying ”Cuchumatan”.) The cops finally tracked him down and arrested him for DWI. The good news was, because he didn’t have his weed, he couldn’t be busted for possession.

Calvin Hoover Mug Shot

You think that’s funny? Take a look at this comment posted on the newspaper site i linked in the headline:

“i just dont know what to say here, this is too funny! ex-oregon, been around the stuff with those who smoke, here, around with those who smoke. i must be weird, its the only explaination they give me for hanging around me. . . ok? used to it. i dont smoke the stuff, never have, not my thing to find my area? love my beer though! in this heat, ya gotta find a mellow balance, an pass a pis# test, shucks! this guy is a insult to the true beer culture, dont let this goof stop ya from a cold one every once in awhile. good beer, with freinds, after a rough day, can cure all. cold beer after a rough day for you, an spouse, can give folks ability to vent, an after, get along an have a good time! a choice of drug depends on person, think about it? coffee, vitamins, food types, its all about us! this guy only needs his ##s kicked till tomorrow. abuse comes in substance, human, an thought. i love my doctor, but she still wont give ma a brain transplant, i just want to change my mind, thats all!”

That’s me for you, always going the extra mile to bring you the behind the scenes story.

No, i haven’t forgotten about the Mischa Barton Bar Fight!

Mischa Barton In (and a little 'out of') Dior

Celebrity Dregs

Nov 3: i Wanna Party With Kiefer Sutherland (And TMZ Says So Too) Keifer Sutherland took fellow cast members of 24 out for a drink, at 7 in the morning. Generous soul that he is, he paid the $500 tab himself and left a $200 tip. The party wrapped up at 1pm. The thing that gets me is that he was drinking with 30 people and the tab only comes to $17 per person after drinking for 6 hours. Either The Spot is a super cheap bar or the other members of 24 don’t know how to drink like Kiefer. Anyway, the next time Kiefer’s in The Bar None, i’ll give him the runs for his money.

Plus He Came With A Designated Driver! What A Guy!

Oct 31: A Drunk Hugh Grant Gets Shot Down Things didn’t work out so well for Hugh Grant Halloween weekend. He was photographed at the Standard Hotel in New York, drunk off his barstool. He was hitting on this cute Israeli model, Matar Cohen, who dropped him like a cheap drink because he was too old (he’s 49, she’s 23). Has he forgotten that the best way to get a sure connection is to pay for it? [Thanks to Miss Demeanor for bringing this to my attention. MWAH]

"You're So Sexy When You're Plastred."

We Wanna Party Like the HOFF Parties

Two, count ‘m TWO stories about the Bar None’s Patron Deity this past week. (He must be slowing down in his old age.)

Nov 4: Pissed-Hoff A Loser If you’re gonna drink and gamble, it’s best to do it in Canada. At least that’s what Play-Hoffs decided. Seems he went to the Cascade Casino in British Columbia and got in a fight with an old person (there’s one fight he knows he can win). Security was called and three guards escorted him off the premises. He was seen drinking again seven hours later.

Nov 5: Ich Ben Ein Boozer The above bender apparently continued, because the very next day and on a completely different continent, the Hoff was visibly buzzed while making a speech to Germans at The European Music Awards.

Click On Image To See For Yourself

Nov 3: Mischa Barton’s Bar Brawl

What Mischa Looks Out Of The Bar None

[The mugshot is from a December 2007 DUI bust in West Hollywood.]

Mischa was at this NYC bar called the Park Bar (and the Park Bar people are bumming that i already got the name The Bar None) looking hot because that’s what she does best. Then this guy comes up and throws his drink on her, and doesn’t even lick it off her afterwards! Apparently it was payback because Mischa had stepped on his toes while coming back from the bar. So she throws her drink at him! Auuggghhh! Alcohol abuse at its worst! And then one of Mischa’s friends whips out his cocktail weenie and waggles it at the guy. Yeah, that would scare me, too. So the guys go outside to fight and apparently the guy who started it all lost. If you ask me, though, the real losers are these people who go around casually dumping their alcohol when there are people sober in India. The only throwing you should do with alcohol is up.

Here’s what i mean about Mischa looking good because she has to:

KATT WILLIAMS MUGSHOT

click to enlarge

Katt Williams was arrested on burglary and criminal trespass charges in Georgia! He will have his first arraignment at 4pm.  We will update with more information, come back to www.bit.ly/thatblog for the full scoop!  Updated below:

This was a wild and crazy story which sent rumors flying and a bad outlook for Katt’s career.  However, we got to the bottom of the story with some positive news from a broader range of media outlets.  Katt Williams was arrested for burglary is a fact, he was released on $40,000 bail.  His lawyer has stated, Katt Williams was a guest at that home, belonging to Producer Barry Hankerson. Katt was staying there to film, yet Hankerson’s employee, Daniel Paul Broach called the police when seeing Katt Williams use a crowbar to open a door.  Mr. Hankerson has issued a statement to the investigators, stating Katt had permission to stay at the home indefinitely, after living there for the last month.  Katt Williams denied the allegation os $3500 of Jewelry taken from the home and Katt’s lawyers stated to press “”Mr. Williams wears more than that in jewelry on his person.”

Lets see some positive things from Katt from now on! He has been arrested for gun possession and flipping out in public after family tries to commit him to mental hospital. How about the time he gave everyone in the comedy club a $100 bill, while folks were crying in happiness, he spent nearly $29,000 that nite at the Laugh Factory in Cali, wow!  Its a hard life at the top, I wish him much success by motivation and leadership!



• Arrestan por robo a comediante Katt Williams Al Día (Texas)
• Katt Williams Arrested For Burglary, Trespassing In Georgia MTV.com
• Comedian Katt Williams arrested, accused of burglary CNN
• Comedian Katt Williams jailed in Ga. over burglary The Associated Press

Katt Williams arrested for burglary

Is this another sign of the recession, or is this the side affects of Katts’ rumored bi-polar disorder? You know what happens to some folks when they stop taking their meds…

Comedian Katt Williams was arrested Sunday night in Atlanta on charges of burglary and criminal trespassing. According to police authorities, Williams allegedly broke into a house and attempted to steal jewelry and other items.

Williams, whose real name is Micah S. Katt Williams, is known for his roles in the movies “Friday After Next” and “Norbit.” His comedy DVD, “Katt Williams: Pimpadelic,” was no. 8 in the nation for sales during the week of Oct. 30, according to Nielsen/VideoScan.

It’s not the comedian’s first brush with the law. A year ago cops found 3 guns in his car after Williams was pulled over for driving without a license plate. A couple years before that he was busted trying to sneak a gun onto an airplane.

Again…it’s the meds fault, not Katt’s.

 According to Coweta County Sheriff’s Office Major James Yarbrough, from a report he gave to the AP, a deputy at the Coweta County Jail confirmed Williams was being held there and that a magistrate was expected to set bond at an arraignment Monday afternoon.

Here is a quote directly from the AP report…

Yarbrough said the Sunday night incident happened at a home in Newman, about 38 miles southwest of Atlanta. Yarbrough said the unidentified homeowner called police around 9 p.m. to report the comedian “gained entry by breaking into the home, and items were taken from the residence.”

Yarbrough said police believe the entertainer was in Georgia working on a film.

A judge sentenced Williams to three years’ probation in 2006 after he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor count of carrying a concealed firearm. Authorities had arrested Williams on Nov. 6 at Los Angeles International Airport after finding a gun in his briefcase.

Williams lives in Woodland Hills, Calif.

Williams is best known for his appearances in the Friday movies and for his Pimp Chronicles.

No bail has been set for this charge at press time.

I want to shout out Katt Williams and hope the best for you man.I have been thoroughly entertained by him, so I hope he can get it back on the one….

Click on this link to my favorite news source,TMZ.com…

http://www.tmz.com/2009/11/09/katt-williams-arrested-burglary-georgia/

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/kattwilliamsmug1.html?link=rssfeed

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5iX4EU1yniFcJCWk6cL3G5mmNUNkAD9BS3Q4O0

Katt Williams

Williams, who police say is 38, is charged with burglary and criminal trespassing, according to Coweta County Sheriff’s Office Major James Yarbrough.

A deputy at the Coweta County Jail confirmed Williams was being held there and that a magistrate was expected to set bond at an arraignment Monday afternoon.

Yarbrough said the Sunday night incident happened at a home in Newnan, about 38 miles southwest of Atlanta. Yarbrough said the unidentified homeowner called police around 9 p.m. to report the comedian “gained entry by breaking into the home, and items were taken from the residence.”

Yarbrough said jewelry was taken, but did not have further details.

Williams, whose real name is Micah S. Katt Williams, is known for his roles in the movies “Friday After Next” and “Norbit.” His comedy DVD, “Katt Williams: Pimpadelic,” was no. 8 in the nation for sales during the week of Oct. 30, according to Nielsen/VideoScan.

But lately the entertainer has gained as much attention for criminal troubles as for his quips.

He was briefly jailed last November after New York police who pull him over for driving without a license plate discovered three guns. Manhattan prosecutors dropped weapons charges in July after running into problems proving their case.

A judge sentenced Williams to three years’ probation in 2006 after he pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor count of carrying a concealed firearm. Authorities had arrested Williams on Nov. 6 at Los Angeles International Airport after finding a gun in his briefcase.

Williams lives in Woodland Hills, Calif.

Yarbrough said police believe the entertainer was in Georgia working on a film. (via seattletimes.nwsource.com)

On the Juiced-box, dedicated to Mary Strey: Evanescence – Call Me When You’re Sober

[Press 'Play]

Here’s the original 911 call in MP3 format. It gets boring after the first couple minutes; don’t be afraid to stop it.

[Press 'Play' for a chuckle]

49-Year-Old Mary Strey

The thing i don’t get is, how could she have the presence of mind to call 911 to report herself but not to avoid driving to begin with?

SPECIAL SHOUT OUT to Miss Demeanor, who brought this to my attention. Thanks, babe!

From the Juiced-box: The Flaming Lips – Lightning Strikes The Postman

[Just press 'Play']

Mugshot: Richard 'Dick' Leo Kuntz, 65

“Dick Kuntz”. Swear to god. Sometimes these stories fall in my lap. (And what happens in my lap, stays in my lap.)

What i find amazing is that 1) a guy burdened with his name has only been busted twice for DUI and 2) he could get the little postman car 10 miles over the speed limit. He shoulda gotten a freakin’ blue ribbon and pole position.

October 23: Looks like we don’t need to worry our pretty little heads over it anymore. According to Lindsay Lohan, her 15 year old sister knows when to leave the party early and go home to study. Able to earn from her big sister’s mistakes, apparently. “She has a good head on her shoulders,” Lindsay said, without mentioning the rest of Ali. A mistake i refuse to compound; judge for yourselves:

October 16: Here are the BEAR facts. In Minnesota (i’m not sure which town, but it’s ok, there’s like only one anyway), a brown bear BEARelled into a grocery store and went straight to the BEAR cooler. The video’s here, if you want to grin and BEAR it. (Y’all didn’t know i was sponsored by the American Pun Assholeciation did ya?)

October 20: Speaking of fridges, a guy broke into a pub in Ridge Manor, Florida. Instead of stealing anything, he pried open the door to a storage shed, ate a can of tomatoes and then fell asleep. He was found by security guards the next morning. Drunk before he got there, ya think? Jeebus, doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?

October 22: Speaking of bar robbery, there’s a woman, either rocket scientist or hitching post, not sure which but it doesn’t really matter anyway, goes into this bar in Massachusetts. She leaves later, with some guy, and gets mugged right outside the place. Tragic. The thieves got $27,000. Wow, super lucky thieves, right? Nope, turns out the woman was walking around the bar showing everyone the 27 grand in her purse that she’d gotten from sort of insurance settlement. Guess what the police officer said. i quote: “The woman should have put her cash settlement in a bank.” Come to the Bar None, babes, if you really want someone to Serve you and then Protect you.

October 19: i wanna party like they do in Reno. There’s 50-year-old there who’s been busted three times for DUI. And not just three times, but three times in 17 days. Go ahead and party in Reno, if you like, but stay off the streets for chrissakes. Doesn’t anyone drink in bars anymore?

October 20: Speaking of DWI, you want a lazy boy, i got your lazy boy. Dennis Anderson (or Leroy Dennis, depends on the site) pleaded guilty to drunk driving his recliner. Seemed he went the bar, pounded 8 or 9 beers, hopped on his motorized recliner and crashed into another car while driving home. Don’t ask me why, but all of this gives me an idea for a toilet seat bar stool. The Bar None could use that kind of creativity. Anyways, here’s the chair:

October 22: Finally, what would a Dregs of the Week be without a Mug Shot? Here’s Dennis Quaid’s:

Here’s Dennis Quaid in his car after leaving a bar:

Now, here’s the cops telling him he shouldn’t be driving:

Here’s Quaid getting out of his car and going back to the bar to call a cab:

Now is it just me, or are the police giving him a break they didn’t give the La-Z boy? Like i always say, better a movie star than a redneck. Just sayin’.

C’mon, you knew i wouldn’t be able to leave without one more Ali Lohan shot:

Are You Thinking What i'm Thinking?

On a final note…

i broke a hundred!

Diary-a of a Chronicle Drinker currently has a total of 116 hits for the day, so for the first time since i started this blog (i began posting regularly at the end of August 2009), i’ve had over 100 hits in one day.

In 2 months, the Bar None has served over 1,600 readers and has increased Patronizers for every week since its foundation.

i would like to thank Miss Demeanor for her constant help, forgiveness, encouragement and understanding.

i’d like to thank my lesbians.

i’d like to thank all y’all who are coming here to read the Booze Revooze; i hope you spend more time and take a look around the other offers on tap.

i’d especially like to thank Ken, Conan the Troutman, the crabby old guy, Gabrielle Chapin,  Shell for making the effort to leave comments and all the rest of you faceless masses who are still holding back. Hopefully you’ll feel more and more at ease here and be willing to share your stories. i’d love to hear them.

Thank you again for patronizing me. If you had fun, invite a friend.

This week is over. It didn’t really feel long, it was short and painful. Last week, I was extra flustered and thought that I liked this guy for a couple days. *sigh* Statistics is going fairly well except for my HORRIBLE grade and physics is HORRIBLE with a good grade. Oh, I’ll rant about that damn student teacher. And speaking of nerds, I’ll rant more about NELA. lmao

But after school today was good. Hung with Lisa and Mei at Southcenter. Mei drove and it DROVE me nuts because I HELLA need to drive. Like nao. -.-;;

We played Wii at my house for a while and then set out to Sushi Land, but it was super busy so we headed to Olive Garden and the wait was like half an hour to forty minutes. We got a buzzer thing. And I asked the host if we’d still be alerted if we were in the mall. And he said it would ring if we were out of range. So we went inside the mall anyway and decided to get teriyaki at Sarku’s. LMAO so fudging cheap and good! And it started ringing a little before the food court but we couldn’t hear it because of all the noise anyway and we kept it in Mei’s purse. It was an annoying Minuet in D except it would only go for like 5 or so seconds and then repeat itself OVER and OVER again. It was pretty funny.

Then, in H&M, I told Mei to slip it in a coat pocket so we could get rid of it. And we did and went to the upper floor suspiciously. gehehehehe…. It was like an annoying bomb. Ah, we’re terrorists. >:D

So LAST weekend, the weekend of the 17th, man. All my close friends know. And people I actually know (not closely, though) read this. And it’s freaky how stuff on the net can be found. I wonder if the college admissions people are reading this…. Hi Admissions Counselors! haha

Anyway… my weird last-Saturday night… No details (because it’s kind of embarrassing and I dunno how to describe it).

Spunerd has called me about going to their program. How annoying. Maybe I’m not showing up because I think your services are useless. If something were important to me, I’d go! I’m actually already in this other college prep program and this great lady who works at Microsoft helps me out. She’s really smart and knows how to help me. My personal statement is VIRTUALLY done! BLAOWWWWWWW

And in Physics? Oh man. This student teacher, Mr. Baldingturtle (that’s what he looks like) gives grief to all of my first period physics class. My actual teacher is a dry-humored, tall, super athletic (biking, skiing, ex-swimmer), 39 year-old father of a 1 year-old. He uses the same corny jokes and is somewhat of a tight-ass when it comes down to grading, extra credit (not in his vocabulary), and responsibility vouchers (LOL). A responsibility voucher is a “miniscule amount of extra…. ah, I can’t even say the words…extra….”. So everyone gets like 8 vouchers and you have to give him one for getting caught texting, answering phone, having your phone ring,  phone problems etc., going to the bathroom on a short period, anything, basically. But anyway…

Labs in our class are DAMN boring. And we explore things like uniform motion, instantaneous velocity, whathaveyou. The labs are usually split up into a couple parts by “sign offs”. This is where Baldingturtle or my actual teacher come around to our lab groups and check out if we all understand. It’s nice that your teacher talks to you personally and comes around him/herself for the students. My actual teacher usually goes through the main idea and clearly explains stuff that we explored and covered in the lab. But Mr. Baldingturtle, however, asks US what the stuff is about and if we don’t know, he’ll “let [us] struggle with the problem and come back later”. He also translates simple English into his own language and spews out complete rubbish that means shiet.

ah, anyway. time to mull away in my own thoughts and whatever. i’m tired.

~catch me at tumblr:
http:www.alysonman.tumblr.com

I'm a Pratt!

Who Is She?

Your guess is as good as mine. Oh goody, Wiki to the rescue. So, in a nutsack, there was this one MTV reality show called Laguna Beach (‘member Jason Wahler?) and some chick named Lauren Conrad spun off that series ’cause y’all are all about the spoiled lives of privileged teens living in Los Alcoholics. So, while wasted youth is hanging on the balance of Lauren Conrad’s destiny, Stephanie Pratt is hanging onto Lauren Conrad. In an even nuttier sack, Stephanie is a 23-year-old, ex bulimic, wannabe tailcoat rider.

What Happened?

In the wee hours of Sunday, October 18, Stephanie left a party for some babe named Holly Montag–and no, i’m not gonna google her. There’s only so much two dimensional surfing i can do in one night without my brain imploding. Anyway, Pratt hopped in her car and dutifully cruised past a cruiser that had been lying in wait after watching her slosh when she walked to her vehicle. She was busted for DUI and booked in Van Nuys, only to be released on $5,000 bail later. The trippy part is, according to TMZ, while the cops were cuffing her, some bystanders started snapping photos which pissed off other people standing by and a mini-riot ensued.

Why She Deserves A Mug Shot

i’ll tell you why and you’re not gonna need to take notes to get it all–> ‘Cause she’s cute. Well, cuter than most of the DUIs i have to pin up with in here. (Did you see her Mug Shot at the top? Either she’s got a meth breakout or the cops ate her caked on makeup glaze for dessert after the donuts ran out.)

Upskirt

Downblouse

"Hey, Lauren Conrad, Check Out My Boobies."

Not With The Hammer, Babe!

From the Juice-box, dedicated to Holly Madison.

[Press 'Play' and peruse.]

Oct 12: Holly Madison (not sure if she’s directly related to Dolly) gets a handle on the keg and then bangs away. [Btw, and i realize this rant has no business being here, according to her Wiki page, Madison had plastic surgery to go from an A-cup to a D-cup. Anyone who knows me well would tell you i equate breast size to school grades, i.e. Madison went from Magna Cum Loudly to practical failure.]

Oct 13: Cook ‘Cases’ Convenience Store: A guy in Baton Rouge, Louisiana shoplifted 11 cases of beer and got away. He went into the place and grabbed six cases of Bud and one of Bud Light (maybe his drinking choices are what help keep him fit enough to ‘grab’ 7 cases). Then he dropped them off in his car–and went back in for 2 more cases of each. Police are looking for a gold Mercury or Crown Victoria with a sagging back end. My only question is: What was Apu doing while all of this was going on?

Shoplifters Will Be Executed

Oct 13: The second time was the charm. In Utica, NY Talitha Gorea, a 33-year-old College Professor (Sociology, not Law, not Driver’s Ed.) was pulled over for traffic violations when the fuzz noticed an open container of alcohol and ecstasy pills in her car. (Yeah, i wanna play hide and seek with her.) They busted her and she was released to a family member. Four hours later, Talitha was driving the wrong way down a one-way street with a different open container of alcohol in the car. This time the cops held her in jail awaiting her arraignment. If at first you don’t succeed, drink, drink again.

Didn't Learn Her Lesson

Thanks A Lot, Bro'

Oct 14: Apparently Arkansas siblings do more than sleep together and marry each other. An off duty cop was knocking ‘em back at the local VFW when he started knocking down patrons and staff. He was manhandled into the parking lot when responding officers arrived, one of whom was his brother. The drunk brother continued being a complete ass, so his brother whipped out his taser and discharged. After 12 hours in detox, the tased brother lost his job.

Oct 15: Mug Shot of the Week–> Thomas Dekker

At 9pm last Wednesday night in the San Fernando Valley, Thomas Dekker (AKA “The kid who played John Connor on “The Sarah Connor Chronicles”), mowed over a 17-year-old on a bike. The teen was taken to the hospital and treated. Turns out Dekker decked the dude with a BAC of over 0.08%, which means DUI. i’m taking bets on whether or not Dekker said, “You’re Terminated” when he pressed the accelerator.

Oct 15: Speaking of Mug Shots, remember Jason Wahler? Seems that he isn’t the only partier in Laguna Beach. The Cali town has an unusually high rate of underage drinking. A recent study reveals that nearly 50% of high school juniors have consumed alcohol in the past month. Either it was an abnormally good month or i’m moving to Laguna Beach and looking for Girl Scout Jamborees.

Oct 15: Speaking of underage drinking… Michigan youths who call 911 because they’re dangerously drunk will not be persecuted. Well, maybe persecuted but for sure not prosecuted. A new law protects babes in the woods against Minor In Possession charges if they over-imbibe and call for help.  The sellers aren’t protected, yet, but D.R.I.N.K.E.R. is lobbying for a change to this law as well. Expect updates on my progress in the not so near future.

Oct 17: [File this under "Reasons i Drink #3: It's Good for My Health"] Drinking Good For Trauma: i always knew that drinking was good for trauma (i’m such the Trauma King) but turns out booze is also good for getting over it, not just causing it. The University of Adelaide, proving once again that Aussies rock when it comes to the bock, found out that alcohol “protects accident victims from post-traumatic psychological disorders” and “…drinking before and after an accident [emphasis is mine] minimises distress and lessens anxiety.”

Passei dos duzentos mugshots.

O resultado tu segue vendo aqui.

Name: M. Barrassing

Charge: Armed robbery with a firearm and attempted armed robbery with a firearm

I can’t believe this guy has the audacity to try to commit crimes with beads in his hair.  Why? Well, he certainly can’t sneak up on anyone. It probably sounds like you’re being ambushed by a pair of maracas. Then again they might come in handy when he’s running from the cops. If they fall out of his hair (see old Venus Williams tennis matches) the cops might slip on them, but he’ll still get caught eventually when they follow the trail of beads back to his hideout.

When will young black men realize that beads are not for them?! It’s nearly 2010 and this is still happening?? With all the homophobia in hip hop you would think that it wouldn’t be cool for thugs to want to bedazzle their hair but apparently this practice slipped through the cracks. Are some cats wearing scrunchies too? Is that what’s hot in the streets now?

These are the only two guys in history that can wear beads and get away with it:

Unless you’re the baddest muthaf*ckin, best-lookin sanger of all time (R.I.P) or an eccentric eye-liner wearing Caribbean pirate you need to stick to braids with black rubber bands or nothing at all. Yeah, I know Stevie Wonder had beads too but he obviously didn’t know any better. I’m just sayin…