my mum didn’t get me the fame monster… sad times. so no review today. new moon review tomorrow though.

yay!

im sooooo addicted to Ugly Betty now its unreal. I need to stop watching american tv before I run out… actually, I say before I run out, but im pretty much out of them now anywho…

so i got some good news earlier. Im getting my allowence doubled after christmas… so exited. the posibilites are endless! means i can shop MOREEEEE! and still use dads amazon account. yay. i hope thats part of my inheritence… dads amazon account. its not like anyone elses uses it more than me. IVE EARNED IT!

its kinda worrying me how close me and my dear, dear mother are at the moment. it seems like its been forever since we argued. we’re even planning to get out the ps1 and play through all the old tomb raiders together. im actually sooooo exited. but realy scared. we’re due an argument. and its been so long. their will probably be murder…

wow it reminds me of the daysss…. i remember when my mum got her first pc and i was like… i dont know… four., and I used to sit with my mum and play tomb raider. yeah, that probably makes her the worst parent of all time! but i disagree. i think it made me the person I am today, and it probably one of my clearest happy memories… and then tomb raider two was around the time my dad came out of hospital, so thats more happy memories.

Im glad my mum was such a bad parents. it technically, in my eyes, made her the best parent EVER! thanks mum! much appreciated!

I get so annoyed with political correctness and protecting children from the horrors that can be found in fairytales. who cares if the big bad wolf is terrifying, and who cares if its baa baa black sheep. does it make it any less offensive its its baa baa rainbow sheep? isnt that just plain in your face homaphobia? or maybe its encouraging kids to be gay?

kids arn’t stupid. they know whats right and whats wrong. if its so wrong to expose children to fairytales, then why on earth do we think its fine to expose them to the monster we call The Night Garden. now, im not being funny, but the things in that absolutely terrify me! id rather be locked in a room with a clown than in a room with them.

And tellytubbies. im sorry, but that was just plane WRONG! how DARE they allow names such as Tinky Winky (little penis) Dipsy (stupid blonde girl) lala (CRAZYYYYY BITCH) Po (Shit) on the screens. for fucks sake they didnt even speak english… hell, they didnt speak. period.

I dont think that me reading stories like Little Red Riding Hood or Enid Blyton’s The Magical Far Away Tree ever effected me. wait. no. take it back. bible bashers will blatently blame my exposure to these sins as the reason for my homosexuality. OH FORGIVE ME FATHER for being ME!

I don’t care. if they’re whats made me such a sin, then fine, I’m glad. I’m happy and proud to be the person I am, and I wouldnt want it any other way!

If anything I think its a sin that the people who are banning and changing these fairytales and other classics are the people who were never exposed to them in the first place. they seriously DON’T know what theyre missing. losers.

its not our fault they were born to competent parents. forgive us for our parents failiure. its not our fault they didnt know the demons hiding behind the pages of Fairytales and the words of Nursary Rhymes. they didnt know the poison Roald Dahl or Enid Blyton wrote.

shame on them!

Wow, I cannot believe it’s the last day in November and I have ignored my blog this month. A lot has happened, but pretty much I haven’t photographed anything but work and Thanksgiving, so here you go, some Thanksgiving photos:

My Mom loves artichoke french, so I have to make it for her, and for me.

My Mom’s Christmas Cactus is actually a Thanksgiving Cactus

Along with the dressing, squash is one of my favorite Thanksgiving day foods

The horn of plenty my Aunt made for my Mom by hand (she also made me one).

I love these Thanksgiving plates

The stuffed Plainville Farm Turkey – looks yummy!

My Mom likes to burn beeswax candles during dinner

Now on to December!

I’ll be twenty five in matter of months and I feel so adult. It’s kinda scary, though.

Well… It is!

Apparently that I have so many things to achieve and suddenly I already twenty five. Eww… I remember I called one woman with “Tante” once I knew she was 25. And now I am becoming that woman. Eeewww!!! I will never ever announce my real age anymore to anyone alive after this time. Seriously. I have changed my birth year on FB, yea really, go and check. I wont be surprised if next year you are questioning about how old I am.

Ha ha ha. Actually no, being twenty five is not that scary at all. Well, maybe a bit.

The hardest part for being adult is people’s expectation on me. I hope no one minds if I put it this way: See, if I am an investment, my parents have invested their large amount of capital and now I am about to mature then expected to give them back the capital invested plus the investment rate, of course! (My Mum would cry if she reads this).

Anyway…

I’m just being honest!

Love, peace and gaul!
!!Lets not forget I still want Wii. Or Xbox is also fine!!

So as some of you may know, Mum & I are going on holiday in January, to the USA! I’m so excited!
And some of you may also know that I have an estranged brother, who incidently lives in America. As we’re heading over there, Mum wants to visit him. I’m not, as I hate the bastard, but that’s up to her.
Today she wrote a letter to him, & I know she’d be super mad at me if she knew I’ve posted it for all to see, but whatever…

Hi Westley

Thinking of you and with Xmas approaching I thought I would drop you a Xmas card. I expect you are excited about Xmas and I am sure you will
have a good one. I am keeping well and have decided to make a holiday in
the USA for a couple of weeks and thought I could not go all that way
without a stop over in Chicago and would love to see you as I have not
seen you for so long and it would be lovely to catch up on news together.
I am flying to New York for 6 nights and arriving in Chicago on the 27th
January at 3pm and staying in a Hotel, Hilton on Michigan Avenue for 3
nights, then off to San Francisco for the remaining holiday. I am sure we
will have lots of news to catch up with and maybe you would like to spend
some time with me, perhaps a few meals and take me sight seeing as I am sure you know some lovely places to visit and some nice food restaurants.
I don’t know if you have my email address but it **** and my mobile is **** so maybe an email would be lovely over the Xmas or maybe I could email you but I do not have your email. I expect winter has arrived in Chicago now and no doubt I might catch the snow when I come but this will not stop me from seeing you. Here in UK we are now in winter but it is not cold but lots of homes have been flooded in the North as we have had so much rain and it has not stopped for a couple of weeks, I don’t know where this rain comes from but surely there is no more up there to come down. How is college, I think you said you are learning about cars, have you finished school completely or is this some sort of University course, or as they say college in USA?

We are all fine in the UK but miss my mum so much. It is over two years
now that she has been gone and life is so different. I will certainly miss
her at Xmas. Auntie and the folks are all well and I see them so much,
they certainly look after me and we are all happy. Kitkat’s still herself
but is getting a little tired these days, she does not go out much but
stays in and sleeps all day, what a life she has and is very spoilt and I
cannot believe she is 10 next year, where does the time go. Granddad and
Valerie are good and dad is well but is slowing down now but is still
playing tennis and nothing keeps him at home as he likes to go out all the
time. Valerie is good and dad is very lucky to have her in his life as she
looks after him so well and he does rely on her these days. He still
drives his car and is amazing for his age. I look at him sometimes and I
cannot believe how old he is, he doesn’t look over 65 and he is now 82 and
lives life to the full. Bless him.

Hayley is great. She has found her way in life and is courting a lovely man
who loves her dearly and she is so in love which is nice. She is very
independent and I am very proud of her. I don’t think you would recognise
her now as she is a little dot, lost so much weight I cant believe she is
so small but she is very happy and looks after me so well.

Anyway I will post this on my way to work tomorrow so hopefully you will
get this by the weekend and you have a lovely Xmas and New Year and I look
forward to hearing from you soon.

Love Mum xx

My mum and sister donning my latest designs while out on my graduation day.

lest we shd forget , lest our hearts grow cold, that on 14th Dec 6.21pm, 2005, our dear mum , the mum who had always been with us, whom we somehow assumed wld remain immortal, left us.

It’s so weird.  Here I am in my old, old, fifties.  How can it be that with mum gone,   I feel so vulnerable.  I don’t feel fiftyish, I am more in the long, past childhood days, wanting to stick close to mum, following her wherever she went.  How safe it  was tucking my hand in yours,   Shouting out for you when I came back from school.

You were always there for me.  Even when I married, you were there for me.  When the children came, you were still there.  So how come you are no more? Then where’s my life’s support? Where in another person can I find the unconditional , selfless, total love?

Mum, I owe you too much.  The regrets of “if only….”.  If only I had spent more time with you.  If only I had been more patient.  If only I had been  spiritually active much earlier  and so could bring Jesus into your life so much earlier. 

If only I had arranged for frequent visits of my chdn to their grandma.  If only. If only….

No I haven’t got to the bulimic stage (gross!) lol! but I’m pretty close! Most people know I don’t eat much, if anything & day-to-day, my diet consists of caffeine, softmints & sushi! But today I have ate not 1, but 3 meals, & I am the proud owner of a ‘food-baby’! Dave says “it’s twins!”
This morning I was treated to a lovely cup of tea, courtesy of my gorgeous boyfriend, in bed! As last nite I finally slept over his house! (Mum wasn’t happy w/it but she’s got to let me go!) It was heaven! There was no getting my clothes back on, saying goodbye (which is hell) & no driving home @ un-godly hrs His bed is one of my favourite places, it’s one of the few places where I can be myself, without worrying about everyone else (by everyone, I mean Mum). I don’t have to be the adult; I can be the little girl! I can be Hayley!
Anyway, I slept sound, warm & next to him. Once we had partaken in some morning ‘activities’ we headed downstairs, where we had cereal & toast (stuffed). Later, for lunch, we had our fav-Pizza Hut (food-baby) & just tonite, I had to eat because Im spending the eve w/Mum (urgh!). I haven’t ate this much in ever!

eid mubarak from screen miracle

Originally uploaded by screen miracle

belated eid mubarak everyone…

didn’t do much. in fact, didn’t even know it was eid until i heard the eid takbir being said on one of the malaysian tv1 the night before so cooked up 2 big roast ducks instead.

felt beautiful tingles inside me when they showed people doing the tawaf around the kaaba in the rain…mum would’ve been one of them, lucky her…just seemed so bizarre to see mecca rain since when does it ever rain there?! and yunno what the hadith says when it rains felt the same when i spotted the moon from the dining room sliding door that overlooks the open patio and backyard. normally we leave the garden light on so we don’t have to use the lights inside in the kitchen and dining because the lights emit so much heat inside especially during this time of the year and because we you can normally find your way around, even do the dishes whilst the backyard light is on. but last night the garden light wasn’t on and it just felt strange and wondered where this golden light was coming from as i walking towards the kitchen. the light looked like as if the neighbours had put on some really bright stadium lights that also shun on our side as well but it was the moon! subhannallah! was just so beautiful seeing the moon the only one shining so brightly whilst everything else was in the dark. just one of those things you never realise.

ayman did drop by and has still decided to not settle for divorce, korban/sacrifice his family for his own selfish needs. for now i guess because i did write up my terms for divorce beforehand. and i was preparing myself for the worse. but no, i guess Allah still wants us to be together.

later my sister shila and dad along with ayman, baz and myself went to see my sister’s and their new place which was just on the other side of mirrabooka. have to say, its quite a nice, manageable place -3 x 1 house with a great undercovered entertaining area complete with a barbeque place and raised lawn on top, well kept manicured lawn and trees in the front that adds some privacy -its definitely something i would buy if i were to look for a place. didn’t think such a place could exist in mirrabooka and its just a 5 minute walk to the local primary school with plenty of parks littered close by. not to mention the masjid. mum would definitely be happy when she comes back now that her other grandkids are so near now.

the feral nephews were very well-mannered being over their place, mainly because their dad was there. was hard to continue and be mad at rayhan -the one i slapped for running on the road because he’s usually my favourite and the more attentive one out of all 4 nephews.

now tomorrow have to see if i can bring baz to the perth zoo as this would also be my weekly exercize out in the open as well…

Ecco una storia: la storia di un Angelo…

@ storybird.com

This is what Phill & Mike think I should do, because they are jokers.  Seriously speaking though, I am considering getting a tattoo.  It’s something I have always wanted to do, but it’s also something I have been somewhat reluctant to do because in the past, I’ve had ideas for designs and then changed my mind for a variety of reasons – I think that it is something that you really have to think through carefully.  Is it going to hold its meaning through the years? Is it in a place where you can hide it when necessary (e.g. job interview, angry grandparent)?  Is it personal and unique, or something that every Tom Dick and Chavvy has? Will the colours fade and the tattoo look tacky in time? These are all primary considerations for me – the pain doesn’t bother me at all (I have a high pain threshold, and I have had multiple injections in the roof of my mouth – WITH A NEEDLE before you get any ideas! – so I am not really afraid of needles nor pain. I can stand it).

So with that all said, I’ll unveil what I’m thinking off.  At the top of my right collarbone / shoulder, about an inch high (maybe less, but about that – so fairly discreet), I want an A. Because that is the first letter of my name.  Simple, personal (I am unlikely to change my name) and effective!  But not just an ordinary A! I toy about with various ways of writing my name during moments of boredom, and a few years ago I found a way of writing the ‘A’ that I like:

Ok, so you need to imagine this with the lines being straight as opposed to wiggly and uneven, and it would just be the solid black in the middle without the feathered edges, but you get the idea.  I think it looks edgy without trying too hard, and it is personal and unique without being outlandish or silly.  Simple, but effective – in other words.  On top my shoulder, its somewhere I can keep it hidden from people (and easily show-offable), but it’s not in your typical lower back / upper back / bicep region which could be passé / common.  I am quite excited – although it’s still only a plan I have and I haven’t made any kind of appointment, I know exactly where I would go to get it done, who to speak to (friends have recommended me), and Mike says that he’s up for going with me.  So it may well happen! Plus, since it’s just in black and not too big, it shouldn’t be too expensive.  I like this plan.

I just hope that a) when my mother / grandmother eventually sees it (which I know ultimately will happen), they won’t freak out too much; b) they will respect my right to choose to do what I want with my body.  I won’t feel guilty about getting it done, but I will feel sad about hurting their feelings, so I just hope that they will be mature enough to not let their feelings get hurt c) I don’t think it can be confused with anything stupid that I have somehow overlooked.  So it’s all systems go!  What do you think?

I’d like to think that I inherited my good sense of style from my mum. Simple, chic and updated classic looks are her specialty; she won’t hesitate to pair a market find with a branded bag. Here are the outfits we wore for our family dinner at Marina Square.

On mum: G2000 grey boatneck top, brandless black satin berms, Burberry bag.
On me: Brandless chiffon blouse, black knit bandage skirt, tights, Coach sling pouch.

Oh and I took this shot just as my mum turned into Rochor Road, the Singapore Flyer encircling the future IR, which looks likes a nuclear reactor. Hmm…BAD OMEN! Lol.
 

Anyway my mum was very generous that night, we bought two hairbands for just $10 at Fourskin, the ribbons were quite unique as the two loops were both folded origami-like around the metal band.

Then she snapped up a pair of black sexy wedges from M)phosis, it has the most gorgeous elastic band that swathes the ankle and a seductive gleam from the curved vinyl wedge. I chose it for her to try on initially but they didn’t have her size, so she got me a size 5 instead which is great as my SISTER can wear it as well!

My mum and sis have smooth slim pins, only I have muscular hairy legs =,= will work out and wax my legs after exams!!!

Cheeky…and no that’s not true ;p

Oatmeal with apple butter and liberally covered–seriously–in chopped apple.

I think I like this name for me oats. All right, it is hereby christened APPLE-DAPPLED OATS. Just because I like things that rhyme. They crack me up Yummy name for a yummy bowl of brekkie…I think I’ve gotten my apple fix for today. LOL, remember I first complained the apple butter was too sweet? Now it’s all…tangy! Mmm. And while I like my apples cold and crunchy (who doesn’t, please?!), warming them up in hot oats–maybe I should wait till they’re softer before attacking next time–ain’t bad.

Today started out pretty good…woke up before everyone else, as usual, got bored after breakfast and turned on none other than ze google box–to find Hilary Swank going all creepy investigator in The Reaping (horror movies, how I love thee). Oh YES. Then Mum came out and pointed out that “isn’t it a bit too early to be pasting your face to the TV”, in her very blunt way. Uh-huh. Then dum dum dum…I was looking at the lovely Kris‘ PIE ATTACK epic video and just squeeing at how lovely and strong she was <3

When the mother walked past, scowled, and said something very uncomplimentary about EDs. I felt like yelling at her. She was being so spiteful! Mum told my brother, of all things!!!– that ED people make cheap dates, because they don’t eat things at all when you bring them out.

WTF. I mean, really. My mother just said that.

Ugh. Filters needed, thank you very much. Kris, you rock my socks. Mum, please.

Well…yesterday was the T’s appointment. The dear Doc made me write down a list of rules and fears that ED made me do, ordering me to start “challenging” myself since she pointed out that it’s only when things are uncomfortable that you know you’re making headway.

*buries head in sand*

But I did it, since Mum and the Doc were obviously getting impatient, so yesterday’s appointment with dear T was…eventful, shall we say.

First on the list: Lipbalm.

Yeah, stupid right? I just couldn’t shake the thought that something that close to my mouth–ON my mouth–wouldn’t go in and well…

The T convinced me to dig out my lippy from the bottom of my bag. She egged me on to daub it on my lip. And pointed out that I had two lips, so dab on the upper lip as well. Then she further pointed out that my lips were not that small, that I had to spread it. Oh. So there you go, Rachel wore lipbalm.

That wasn’t so bad, really. Chapped lips–for a long long time!–be gone! And the T reassured me that the idea that lipbalm and the like made people fat was utter BULL. For one, lipbalm is NOT a food item. ED is being ridiculous by adding non-food items to the already retarded list of restrictions. And another thing, which makes complete sense, unlike the stupid monster, is that HELLO, MAGAZINES WOULD BE THE FIRST TO PUBLISH THE BREAKING NEWS OF “LIPSTICK MAKES WOMEN FAT”. Have you seen that in articles? NO NO NO.

ED, go jump in a lake. And don’t come out, thank you very much.

Looks like my next few visits to T are gonna be tough, to say the least:( But maybe it’s about time I got a kick in the ass to do this. I have to make a move, and quit stalling. Or into the day programme I go.

I think I’ll start rolling!

Well, hope all of you lovies in the US had a lovely Thanksgiving:) We don’t celebrate it here–turkey on Christmas is quite an occasion already!–so I really wonder what the whole shebang’s about. Sure it’s nice to have one day dedicated to giving thanks…but maybe being thankful for something everyday would be nice too! For example, I JUST SAW THE PICTURES OF THE BANDROOM ON MY NEW SCHOOL CAMPUS. Oh it is huge. I think I’m in love! Siiiigh. I am thankful that my new school has lovely facilities. As shallow as that may seem, LOL. And I am thankful I got to know all you beautiful people in this community, regardless of what my parents think. (Pshhht.)

Have a good Friday, sweeties. <3

This little mix here is (a small sample of) the building blocks of what L E N S will hopefully sound like. Needless to say, I’ve had this mix of artists on heavy, heavy rotation in the last couple of weeks!

Samples from: ‘Null Sand Mandala’ by YourInfamousHarp, ‘Cocoon’ by Björk, ‘Who Watches The Watchmen?’ by The Prize Fighter Inferno, and ‘Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors’ by Radiohead.

So hopefully what you can gleam from that little montage is much glitchy beat-ness in quite a hardcore style but with some pop sensibility and quite other-worldly vocals and ethereal sounding sonics.

Other artists I’m taking inspiration from;

• Boards of Canada
• Brian Eno
• Cornelius
• Imogen Heap
• mum
• Jerome & Sylvie
• Portishead
• Sul.a
• Thom Yorke

Anyone interested in Electronica, Glitch or Electronic based music I urge you to check any of these artists out. Very unique sounds to them all.

For my nephew’s christening last weekend, I packed a pair of brown slacks I bought about four years ago. I overestimated my swine-flu-weight loss. The pants were skin tight; we are talking spray painted. Even Mum asked if I had anything else to wear. Imagine! I was a little self-conscious at first, but eventually didn’t give a shit.

I returned to work on Monday and swore I would take action to lose weight. “No more junk food,” I declared. I am proud to say little sugar and carbohydrate touched my lips this week, until today that is when the canteen hosted a Thanksgiving lunch. I initially stood my ground, opting for salad. When I saw the desserts on offer, I caved for some mixture of mango, biscuit and cream; apparently, titled a Syllabub.

I carried my heaving stomach to my desk to find a large tin of Cadbury’s Roses. Since we are at year end, working hard, my boss treated us. Despite my earlier gluttony, I stuffed my face with Roses. I am sad to admit these Roses were not of the floral variety. I pretty much climbed into the tin of chocolate like it were a bath and I was some unwashed bastard. I stuffed my face.

Sometimes, I disgust myself.

…have been amazing!!!

I’ve found out that Fiffy (my car) is not In actual fact going to be a ‘write-off’, as the garage first told me. They rang me yesturday morning, & said that she’s all fixed up, & the paintwork is all done. & earlier this afternoon, they rang again to say my car is ready to be picked up 2moro! Alas, that means I will be £300 lighter (but at least I don’t need to fork out for a brand-new motor).

Talking of ‘Forks’…last nite Dave & I saw the second installment of the Twilight (read *Twatlight*) franchise BTW what is up w/advertising it as ‘The Twilight Saga:…’?! It was v good indeed. I’ve read all the books, like a good little fan-girl, so I know what to expect, but the no. of shirt-less guys was laughable, as was R Pattz’ portrayal of a constipated block of ice. Good but could have been better, I guess the film is never as good as the book. Oh, & the trailers for Avatar & Sherlock Holmes look amazing!!!

Before we went to the cinema, we had a slight matter of Dave meeting my extended family! He’s obv already met Mum (that was scary enough!), & most of my girlies @ work, but last nite he met The Horners! Aka my Auntie & Pippy, & my sisters from another mother Kelsey & Aaron i guess the time was right for the people who I love in my life to finally meet, & I loved it! Dave was lush (who incidently looked H.O.T.! as fuck!) w/them all, & they were equally cute (inquisitive but cute). Ooo! Almost forgot-I drove us to my Grandma’s old house before, just to share another part of me w/him. I haven’t seen it in over a year & alot’s changed but it holds lots of memories. I wish she could have met him.

Today has also been equally fun! Today I had a day off, courtsey of Sherry, who is kindly working my shift on HER day off. Mum also had a day off & so we decided to ‘go over the bridge’ & visit Barry Island, Wales! The place of all things ‘Gavin & Stacey’! We started off early, on the road by 10am, & we called in @ Costa for refreshments (read *life-juice*) making it to Barry by 12ish. It was pissing it down, but we had a laugh! Took loads of pics (some are on Twitter) but it was freezing so we only spent about 3/4hr there, until we headed into Cardiff for a bit of girly shopping.
We had lunch in Pillars for lunch (it’s tradition!) & then we spent around about an hr in the amazing Cardiff Primark I bought some cute dresses, hot panties, & a new umbrella all for £30! Amazing!
Leaving Cardiff we got royally lost, but that’s the fun in a road-trip! Today we spent quality time together, & it made us stronger Balance!

Back in Bristol, home dry, I’m glad to be home! Ate some sushi, pjs on super early, make-up off & chilling whilst watching the new series of Gavin & Stacey. Amazing!

I got my UNICEF envelope of this month which came with a catalogue that shows the little stuffs that you can buy to help kids all over the world for a very low price. There are amazing Christmas cards, agendas,candles etc. in it. Please just visit site below at least for once and see them. I am pretty sure that you will like to buy some.

http://eshop.unicefturk.org/

Bu ayın UNICEF zarfı, içinde dünyanın dört bir yanındaki çocuklara yardım etmek için çok minimal fiyatlara alabileceğiniz minik hediyelikleri gösteren bir katalogla daha yeni elime geçti.İçinde inanılmaz yılbaşı kartları, ajandalar, mumlar ve benzeri şeyler var. Lütfen en azından bir kere yukarıdaki siteyi ziyaret edin ve bu hediyelikleri görün. Almak isteyeceğinize eminim.

It could be difficult at times to describe feelings. Pain, joy, obsession, love, all of these are hard to describe. But when I think of my mummy as she is nowadays, after celebrating another birthday, I couldn’t possibly imagine my life without them.

When I was a little boy, next to Berlin, Tel Aviv was a name which exalted me the most. My first trip to Tel Aviv took place when I was 14 years old. I took the bus to Israel’s largest city, and walked in the streets admiring the teeming roads, the dazzling malls, and occasionally the beautiful girls as well. After being introduced to the great city once, I immediately submitted to the fact that there was life outside the boring, provincial town in which I spent my early days. I remember myself traveling to the Tel Aviv university, sitting with a book on the vast lawns by the campus, admiring the intellectual air. I remember sitting in the Cafes all on my own, studying German from a newspaper and a small dictionary. I remember my first visits to the local churches in Jaffa, spending occasional weekends in a local parish offering bed  as well as some food. When I broke up with Keren, mummy rented for me a room in a small motel, for the purpose of waking up in the morning in the then familiar residence of female beauty, and hectic life.

Little by little, my fascination with Tel Aviv became a painful obsession. I recall long days of wandering from one place to another. I remember long tedious hours of sitting in the Cafes with a book, waiting for something to happen. But Tel Aviv retained its dazzling glamour, despite the long nights without rest, without purpose, and when I finally moved in to Tel Aviv at the age of 33, it was a dream that came true.

About a year after I moved in to Tel Aviv, mummy took me with her to see the City of Lights. I always thought that visiting Berlin would be the realization of all of my dreams, but this unique trip to Paris was much more than being for the second time in my life abroad. It was a time when I was challenging my mental capacities with reading Marcel Proust in French, totally in love with the French language and culture. It was also a time when my relationships with my mother have turned from bitter and resentful to a virtual love story.

Mummy helped me out with my new residence in Tel Aviv. Nowadays we use to talk a lot on the phone, and we see each other quite often. When I think of Paris, I think of her, and what a wondrous surprise it was for me when I found out we could speak with each other in French. Speaking French is a great achievement for me, far above speaking and understanding any other language. The reason for this is that, having changed for the better, it is my way of remembring that language is first and foremost a means for communication, and by seeing my mother in a different light I feel I could look differently at other people as well.

Next year I will be 35, and I would like very much to see Paris with mummy by my side once again. I suppose that as long as I live, for me Paris shall be associated with my cultured mother, and traveling to the Capital of France shall be forever unique.

It’s late morning in Australia right now.

New Zealand is just getting through the afternoon and in various parts of the U.S it’s pretty much evening time.

In England however, it’s approaching 3am. I’m sat here in bed, hands (and fingers respectively) hovering above my mac keyboard waiting for the go ahead from the big guns upstairs but my brain is deciding not to co-operate. And rightly so, I’m clearly being told this is not the time to write-up my first entry for this blog, a blog no less, all about my major project I’m doing at Herts University for my 3rd and final year…

Ignoring the warning, I’ll instead continue daringly into the realms of 3am and beyond(!) to tell you all about why and how this blog came to be. It is, as mentioned earlier my last year at Herts Uni studying (preferable to the term ‘reading’ as I like to feel I’m a little more involved in my degree than that) Music Commercial Composition & Technology. In the final year of the course students are lead to undertake a ‘Major Project’ which takes the form of a 15minute concept album.

So my concept, in short;

Dr.Lovell Mason; a former roboticist, now a reclusive individual of questionable sanity becomes increasingly desperate for knowledge of the outside world and humanities direction for the future. Unable to bring himself to face the now alien world beyond his house he begins to sketch and draft ideas, which eventually manifest themselves into a robot whom Lovell lovingly crafts and builds into a machine for mixed data gathering. The robot (christened ‘L E N S’) is sent out into the world armed with but what his disturbed creator gave him, and the errand to ‘observe and learn’ from all that he sees. The concept will follow the travels and experiences of L E N S and how his development is affected by our present-day Earth and therein human nature.

This is the concept in a nutshell. From a musical standpoint the likes of Björk, Thom Yorke, múm and Yourinfamousharp will play a big part in the sound I will try to shape which will be particularly interesting and a learning experience in itself; these artists represent the other half of my listening habits that I have yet to explore composition-ally.

I’ll be posting up my progress through sketches, interesting internet articles, mp3s and the like with hopefully a couple of entries a week, or whenever something worth posting presents itself.

Keep watching!

I took the day off of work today and spent it all with my Mum. It was good. We looked at a perfectly sweet little house on a street we’re all in love with. (My parents are trying to down-size!) My deployed brother’s Christmas package got mailed today…wrapping the painting Mum did for him in the middle of the Post Office was rather entertaining, as were the stares that we were getting. We also rambled through Lowe’s looking at things for the house that we saw earlier that morning…heavens, the place needs a lot of work. We filled a morning with shopping, lunch and posting, but I think Mum really needed it.
As we walked into the doors at Lowe’s, she told me that today would have been my grandmother’s birthday had she not passed away 3 years ago. My family is so very small, but so very precious. I will make it so that my children (should I ever have them) and my sibling’s children should never feel so with out the extended family that we know nothing of.
That being said, I’m so grateful for the family I do have. They are beautiful people to know.

P.S. Gaia gave back the smoking items with an apology. Hmm.

Here are some photos of some of the ladys on my course at Selby college working hard…sometimes lol

It’s nearly the end of November, and I’m painfully aware that I haven’t blogged for several weeks. Or recorded a cancer diary for 106 Jack FM where I work. I watch in awe as people I follow on Twitter update their blogs pretty much daily. Where on earth do they find the inspiration to write about their life every day? I agonise about what to write about. (My life just isn’t that interesting. That’s not false modesty, by the way. I could sit you down over a coffee, explain my average day, and bore you senseless, trust me.) Or more often, what not to write about….While I have no problems in sharing what’s going on with my life and my cancer treatment (Exemestane, since you ask), that doesn’t mean my family need to be held up to the light. A recent family event has made me unhappier than I’ve been in ages, and has made me seriously question my parenting skills and my sanity. For a journalist, a rich seam of material. But one I can’t and won’t go into.

One of the things that make me wonder whether I’m coming to the end of my life is the memories. Long-forgotten things from my childhood and adolescence (hello, brain – there’s a reason I’d forgotten most of this!) have started to surface. Almost as though things are coming full circle. I was reminiscing with my little sister yesterday about our mum. She died aged 54 of throat cancer, and I was with her when she passed. I’d been nursing her in my final year at university and watching my family disintegrating. She was the hub that anchored us spokes firmly in place. We turned around her love and stability, and when she was gone…..what’s that line from Yeats? “Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold” . Little sis (who’s 42) said something that brought me up short. She pointed out that at one particular time of our childhood, mum was the same age I am now. (1981, when I was doing A Levels, and failing to get into Cambridge.) THAT’S when you know you really are getting old. Mum seemed, well, old. Grownup. Sensible. All the things I don’t recognise in myself now. She must have had the same worries as I have now ; never enough money, your body starting to noticeably decay – oh god, a split infinitive, my retired English teacher father will kill me – and how come the kids don’t do more housework? It’s hard to grasp that I’m now the age she was then. It’s also hard to grasp that I probably won’t outlive her.

So, who knows where the time goes? Someone’s pressed the fast forward button on my life while I wasn’t looking! We’re days away from Christmas, then 2010, and only yesterday I was out at TWO parties celebrating the Millennium. But then, of course, only yesterday I was trimmer, fitter, and the kids actually did what I told them to do. Most of the time.

I don’t want life to get into a rut (Metro, boulot, dodo as the French say so expressively) but then, I talk loudly about trying to lead a ‘normal’ life when people express amazement that I’ve worked 5 days a week through chemotherapy. When I wasn’t ill, of course. Or in hospital with neutropenia. Or off with a broken leg, but I digress. It rather makes me wonder sometimes why I’m trying to sneak past terminal cancer while it’s not looking. (I won’t dignify what I do as fighting it.) Especially when I come home to find the house a mess. But then, what’s the alternative? Staying at home and staring at the housework? (Once, when off work and heavily pregnant with child number 1, I caught myself Jiffing the outside of our plastic kettle. I swore never to be that bored at home ever, ever again.)

No, bring on the routine. There’s the dishwasher to empty, the tumble drying to start and the freezer to be rummaged in for something for supper. And you know what? That’s what’s making life interesting.

I think yesterday could be labelled as THE Murphy’s Law Day. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong.

-I dropped dishes during work yesterday. Yes, things broke. I think porcelain and plates have very little affinity with me? (There go this month’s tips…)

-I mixed up the darn credit card promotions twice. Well, for one thing, there are so many promotions even the managers get mixed up themselves, but as they pointed out, I should still know when to offer the best deal to customers. As it turns out, one couple got so annoyed they got the ’short end of the stick’, they threatened to write a letter of complaint, and the managers themselves go cross because apparently it reflected badly on them.

AARGH.

-It came to visit yesterday, complete with cramps. And horrible body image, ED’s voice everywhere.

-Was in a terrible mood anyway yesterday, and not in anyway helped by last night’s shift at work…so ended up snapping at Dad and Mum on the way back. And thusly almost got my own head bitten off. Whew, dangerous.

-Discovered that the Christmas presents I want to but for my ‘rents are way more expensive than budgeted. How can organizers and calendars cost $40?!?!

My sentiments exactly.

But this run of bad luck’s gotta end sometime…right? *fingers crossed…double crossed*

I’m going out with Mum for a little shopping trip this afternoon–squeezing it in before a 4.15 pm appointment with ze Doc. Uhm. The little stormcloud on the horizon aside, I’m really looking forward to shopping with Mum. Sort of. Sometimes she and I disagree on things that we but and the places that we shop, not because I wear revealing clothes or I lean towards piercings and all that. NO. Vintage and second-hand searches do not hold very well with Ma. At least not that I know of? She’s agreed to accompany me to Haji Lane, our own ‘vintage street’ of sorts. Hmm. I can already feel my pocket aching! (If I manage to spend anything at all…we may just end up doing window shopping 0_o)

Breakfast fave of the week! Rachel’s Organic low-fat raspberry yogurt, topped with Kashi Go Lean and cornflakes, accompanied by a bowl of chopped apple.

This was originally supposed to go all together in the bowl, but then it looked like the yogurt mixup would look like the topping on the apple instead, so…

I was really looking forward to it, but as you can probably tell by the random addition of cornflakes, Mum was none too happy that I’d added so “little” cereal. I was still going to have Horlicks after that, not having the yogurt as a complete replacement! GRRR.

But it was nice. So end rant. Not a fan of dairy products–surprising that cheese is a must for me as dictated by the dietitian and Mum, but this yogurt?

Pssst, Rachel’s? Me? I wish I DID own the brand!

Okay. I’m determined to enjoy today, to make the most out of it. I will keep smiling, and I definitely will try my hardest NOT to let ED influence my mood or dictate my decisions. It’s Rachel and Mum’s bonding time–not Rachel, Mum and ED! This may not be so easy to say come later today, but I’ve got nothing to lose by trying…even if cramps are bad and Sis is being…herself. SO THERE.

*gives the one-fingered salute to the monster lurking around the corner*

So said, it’s lunchtime. Time to tackle this meal, lovies! Sending you all hugs and kisses…and especially to Maya, who’s feeling under the weather! Hope you get well soon:)

Have a good Wednesday!