Mumps, mumps, mumps.  Why are we having outbreaks of mumps?  The MMWR recently published info on the latest infections, and they say it’s the largest outbreak since 2006, when we had over 6,000 cases.  By comparison, this outbreak is puny, with 179 cases as of 30 October.

The majority of those infected (about 84%) are male, with an average age of 14 years.  It’s believed that at least 113 of those infected had “received age-appropriate vaccination.”  The fact that so many are vaccinated is good, but why are they still getting the disease?

The fact is, no vaccine is 100% effective for 100% of those vaccinated.  This is one of the reasons we need to keep community vaccination rates high, to prevent disease from coming into the community and infecting those who either can’t be vaccinated or those for whom the vaccine isn’t effective.

CDC states that the mumps vaccine effectiveness is estimated at 73% to 91% for 1 dose and 76% to 95% for 2 doses.  So there we are.

Maybe we need a booster shot for mumps like the one we have for pertussis.  Any immunologists out there want to hazard a guess?

In the meantime, get vaccinated and encourage those you know to do the same.

CDC explains what can happen when someone becomes infected:

Mumps is best known for the swelling of the cheeks and jaw that it causes, which is a result of swelling of the salivary glands. It is usually a mild disease, but can occasionally cause serious complications. The most common complication is inflammation of the testicles (orchitis) in males who have reached puberty; rarely does this lead to fertility problems.

Other rare complications include:
• Inflammation of the brain and/or tissue covering the brain and spinal cord (encephalitis/meningitis)
• Inflammation of the ovaries (oophoritis) and/or breasts (mastitis) in females who have reached puberty
• Deafness

ProMED-mail
Archive Number 20091106.3835
Published Date 06-NOV-2009
Subject Mumps – USA (04): (NY)
最近、ニューヨーク州 Rockland郡 MonseyとSpring Valleyの同教団で、少なくとも子ども45人が流行性耳下腺炎に感染したとのことですが、下記論文では2009年10月30日までの症例のみ報告されています。

The Rockland cases have all occurred in religious communities in Monsey and Spring Valley, according to an alert issued this week [week of 2 Nov 2009] by the State Department of Health.

　http://twitter.com/TweetMedmail/status/5492870521

本エントリーの一部を “import from UK” としましたが、科学的には
It appears the index patient had contracted mumps
(presumably in the UK). という判断です。

MMWR Dispatch
Mumps Outbreak — New York, New Jersey, Quebec, 2009
November 12, 2009 / 58(Dispatch);1-4
　http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm58d1112a1.htm
FIGURE. Number (N = 179) of reported confirmed or probable mumps cases,
　http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm58d1112a1.htm#fig
発端患者は、一般住民の中でワクチン未接種の若年成人を中心に約4000人にムンプス (流行性耳下腺炎 おたふく風邪)が流行している英国から 2009年6月17日に帰国した 11歳の少年であった。

Sullivan County, New York ニューヨーク州 サリバン郡
発端の少年 [上記] は6月28日、キャンプで発症。
8月18日、伝統を厳守する教団から約400人の少年が参加したサマーキャンプでムンプス患者が発生したと、州保健局に通知があった。報告者数はキャンプ参加者およびスタッフの合計 25人であった。患者年齢は中央値 12歳（年齢幅 9-30歳)、全例男性であった。ワクチン接種状況が報告された24人のうち、20人 (83%)は年齢に応じた2回の接種を受けていた。1人 (4%)は1回のみ、3人 (13%)は未接種であった。キャンプ内の発病率は約 6% (25/400)であった。

Brooklyn, New York ニューヨーク州 ブルックリン区
キャンパーの大多数はブルックリンの the Borough Park [区の公園]周辺の住民であった。キャンプから自宅に戻った後、伝染が始まった。キャンプ帰りの人は初期暴露のほとんどに関与したが、主要な感染拡大源は確認できなかった。2009年10月30日までにブルックリンや他の区から、キャンパーを除く流行に関係した患者 79人が追加報告された。年齢中央値 14歳 (年齢幅 8か月-84歳)、81%は男性。ワクチン接種が推奨され接種状況や接種時年齢の報告された61人 (77%)のうち、47% (77%)は年齢に応じたワクチンを受け、 6人 (10%)は一部接種で、8人 (13%)は未接種であった。

Ocean County, New Jersey ニュージャージー州 オーシャン郡
2009年9月26日、州保健局は、同じ教団からの寄宿生、通学者を受け入れている私立男子学校 2校でムンプス疑い8人が発生したとの報告を受けた。9月6日、寄宿制学校 1校で発症した発端患者は 20歳男性で、ブルックリン the Borough Park 周辺住民であった。伝染は、初めは複数学校の内部に限られていたが、家庭や地域社会に拡まった。10月30日までに、40症例が報告された。年齢中央値 19.5歳(年齢幅 1-65歳)、83%は男性。ムンプスワクチン接種状況は 29例 (73%)で報告があり、このうち 28例 (97%)は年齢に応じた接種を受けていた。

Rockland County, New York ニューヨーク州 ロックランド郡
サリバン郡サマーキャンプに参加し、ムンプス発症した患者のうち 4人はロックランド郡居住者であった。10月30日までのキャンパーを除く追加報告者 27人は、同じ教団のメンバーで男子学校などいろいろな環境で発生した伝染による患者であった、患者の年齢中央値 12歳 (年齢幅 1-62歳)、23人 (85%）は男性。ムンプスワクチン接種状況は 19人 (70%)で報告があり、このうち 11人は年齢に応じたワクチン接種を受け、他2人は一部ワクチン接種者であった。

Orange County, New York カリフォルニア州 オレンジ郡
2009年9月、オレンジ郡の同教団メンバーはブルックリン区の礼拝堂を訪れた。10月8-14日の間に、これら旅行者の8人が発症した。年齢中央値は 18歳 (年齢幅 11-23歳)、5人は男性。7人は年齢に応じたワクチン接種を2回受け、1人は未接種であった。

Quebec, Canada　カナダ ケベック州
ニューヨークやニュージャージの地域社会で感染した教団メンバーは9月19日から10月11日の期間、宗教的集会に参加するためケベック州に旅行した。10月30日までに、モントリオール Montreal,ローレンシア Laurentian からの 15症例 (年齢幅 8-47歳)がカナダ公衆衛生当局へ報告された。全ての患者は男性で、11人は少なくとも1回の接種は受けていた。

Editorial Note 一部邦訳
　”US mumps outbreak 2009″ (同一投稿者によるブログエントリー)
　http://pertussis.wordpress.com/2009/11/15/us-mumps-outbreak-2009/

2010 Scion xB vs The Mumps

Wagons

www.autorivals.net

MY GRADE:

It’s no fun getting sick.  And swine flu can be deadly.    But I happen to think in a roundabout way swine flu is serving a larger purpose.

How?

Well, first and foremost, it’s scaring the crap out of parents who are reluctant to get their kids any sort of vaccine because “medical experts” such as Dr. Jenny McCarthy (who, I believe, got her medical degree at The University of Posing For Playboy and The College of Being in Bad Straight-to-DVD Comedies) have informed us that vaccines are responsible for autism.

This whole Swine Flu Frenzy seems to be making people reconsider the benefits of vaccines.  And I think it’s all because of that name. SWINE FLU. It’s brilliantly scary, dirty, muddy, piggie, slop-infested sounding.  (Never mind that the swine flu is no more potent than our regular seasonal flu, which manages to kill half a million people globally every year.  Never mind that an epidemic of measles or mumps or polio would be horrific in its own right.  Apparently the idea of catching something from a diseased pig just sets people into a tailspin (pun intended).)

I propose that the CDC does itself and everyone else a favor and rename some of our most deadly diseases. You know, to give them a bit more “oomph” — a little something extra to pick up where swine flu leaves off and help scare parents into getting their kids the fully array of necessary vaccines.

Here are my suggestions:

Old Name: Measles

Why it’s not a good name: Sounds too wimpy, “measly”, mild.

Scarier New Name: Red Blistering Death

—————

Old Name: Mumps

Why it’s not a good name: Too lovable.  Sounds like a race of cute tiny, mythical creatures. Elves.  Smurfs. Mumps.

New Scarier Name: Exploding Face Disease

—————

Old Name: Tuberculosis

Why it’s not a good name: Too clinical.  Anything with “osis” in it puts people right to sleep.

New Scarier Name: Flying Killer Snot Disease

—————

Old Name: Tetanus

Why it’s not a good name: Too enjoyable to say.  Sounds like a magical city from a Tolken novel: “Take this ring to Tetanus…”

New scarier name: Rusty Crazed Spasmodic Raccoon Sickness*

* I am aware that you can’t catch tetanus from a raccoon but anything involving a crazed raccoon is certainly going to convince people to finally go ahead and make that doctor’s appointment

————–

Old name: Rotovirus

Why it’s not a good name: Sounds mechanical, unthreatening, futuristic.  Like something your Mac gets from surfing the wrong website.

New Name: Insanely Violently Explosive Diarrhea Affliction*

* Now we’re talking!

—————

Old Name: Chicken Pox

Why it’s not a good name: Despite having “pox” in its title, it sounds like a cuddly nursery rhyme character — you know,  something that Little Bo Peep might have stumbled across in one of her many adventures.

New Name: Scabby Infected Poultry Fungal Disease*

*Replacing “chicken” with “poultry” takes away the cute factor.  “Scabby” and “infected” are never parties you want to be at.  And “fungal” — well, chicken pox probably isn’t a fungus, but “fungal” is right up there with “pustular” as a word you definitely want to avoid.

See?  That wasn’t so hard.  Like everything else in the modern world, it’s all about effective marketing.

The slumdog life

Can you believe it – diseases that were most common in the Victorian era are making their way to London.

Infections such as whooping cough, measles, mumps, and tuberculosis are spreading rapidly amongst us, says the Department of Health.

Rare infections including scarlet fever and typhoid have increased by 166 per cent in the past 24 months. While the number of mumps cases has risen from 125 in 2007 to 393 last year – which is an increase of 214 per cent.

Conditions such a rickets and scurvy, have also sparked health warnings across London.

Yes it’s worrying, as cases of rashes and high fever are also up 153 per cent since 2005 – with 501 infected in the City last year.

Just last year, Justine Greening, the Shadow Minister for London, said the rise could be linked to the result of parents refusing the MMR jab after claims made in 2001 – that it might caught autism.

High fever

The Department of Health revealed the rise in the MMR has fallen by 85 per cent for two-year-olds. It has been argued that without the vaccination, mumps can damage the nervous system in the development of children.

MMR

Dr Colin Michie, consultant paediatrician at Ealing Hospital, West London was concerned last year, about the rise of diseases within children. She believes they are “completely preventable” if the child is MMR vaccinated.

Perhaps he is correct. Perhaps he is wrong, but it seems Victorian infections, which started with the mumps and measles 160 years ago, resulting in thousands of deaths, are crawling their way back.

Professor David Salisbury, director of immunisation from the Department of Health, believes the ancient diseases will keep increasing. He also said: “There will be a measles epidemic at some point.”

Victorian Infections

In fact he is correct – the changes in social conditions and public health has increased TB from 5,658 in 1998 to 8,497 in 2007 and the number will continue to increase this year.

Meanwhile,  the re-emergence of the infections has been linked to fewer people having balanced meals and lower intakes of vitamin C and D, throughout the country.

In response to this, the Conservatives are blaming the Government for the steadily rise of the diseases. I think this is utter nonsense.

Labour cannot be blamed for how we eat or wash. We live our own lives and we dictate what we eat and how we live. We are our own infections enemies.

This sounds so disgusting – but it’s a fact, we’re living in the slumdog era. Yuck.

Hey all…. So I have been thinking about trying to work more charitable causes into my repertoire in the last year or so…. You get that?  I said I was “thinking about trying.”  I feel that that’s kinda a bullshit way to go about getting things done, in case you were wondering.  So a friend of mine says he’s got this thing he wants to talk to me about.  He sits me down and he’s all about this Movember movement.  Totally befuddled, I ask him to tell me more.  On a basic level, it’s men growing mustaches for the month of November to raise awareness about Prostate Cancer.  Now if you know about PC, you know it’s affecting larger and larger amounts of men, and over 40 your risk goes way up.  Guess what’s the largest sector of the population right now?  Baby Boomers.  Guess who’s gonna be over 40 one day (if i’m lucky)?  This guy.  So I’d kinda like to put that disease to rest, kinda like the Mumps in this country….

So while you’re growing your ’stache, you solicit donations from people to be given to the Prostate Cancer Foundation and the Lance Armstrong Foundation (responsible for that Livestrong gear).  Kind of like the breast cancer stuff where everyone wears pink and gathers donations, goes on walks, etc.   Then, at the end of the month, you celebrate the mustache with your very own Movember party, giving out awards for the best ’staches.  Oh, and they even have their own lingo.  A participating man is called, “Mo Bros” and women who are inclined to help raise money on their own are called, “Mo Sistas.”  Got it so far?

So we started a team here in Cleveland called, “Cleveland’s Mo Bros (you can join our team here),” but women are more than welcome to join.  We figure this year we’ll just be getting the word out locally, then build as we move forward year after year.  I’m already planning the party, I’m thinking about having the mustache king, Graham Funke come in and spin.  I’ve seen people advertising that Mustache May party… This takes the party concept to the next level by adding a charitable aspect to it.

To learn more about Movember, check out their page here

To keep up my progress, see my updates, and make a donation, click here

To follow me on twitter, click here

To find out everything you wanted to know about life (online) click here, lol

Mumps is a disease, usually of children, caused by a virus. With mumps, your salivary glands swell. Specifically, these are the parotid glands, and they are located below and in front of each ear. The virus is spread by direct contact with an infected person’s sneeze or cough. Humans are the only known natural hosts.

Mumps in adolescent males may result in the development of orchitis, a painful inflammation of the testicles that can, in rare cases, result in sterility.

Before the advent of vaccination, whenever a child in the neighbourhood caught mumps mothers used to take their young sons around to the patient’s home in the hope that the child would catch mumps.

Mumps is a virus and thus will cannot be treated with antibiotics. Like most viral illnesses, mumps can be left to run its course and most children and adults recover in 2-3 weeks as long as there are no complications.

Mumps is most common around the month of March. It usually appears in scattered individual cases, though there are occasional local epidemics among unvaccinated children. It’s less infectious than chickenpox or measles.

Causes Of Mumps

The mumps are caused by a paramyxovirus, which is spread from person to person by saliva droplets or direct contact with articles that have been contaminated with infected saliva.

The parotid glands (the salivary glands between the ear and the jaw) are usually involved. Children between the ages of 2 and 12 are most commonly infected, but the infection can occur in other age groups.

In older people, other organs may become involved including the testes, the central nervous system, the pancreas, the prostate, the breasts, and other organs. The incubation period is usually 12 to 24 days.

The virus that causes mumps is harbored in the saliva and is spread by sneezing, coughing, and other direct contact with another person’s infected saliva.

Once the person is exposed to the virus, symptoms generally occur in 14-24 days. Initial symptoms include chills, headache, loss of appetite, and a lack of energy.

In children, the first sign of mumps is swelling of the salivary glands, but adults sometimes run a temperature and feel ill a couple of days before the glands enlarge.

At first, the swelling is often uncomfortable or painful. If the disease occurs after puberty, the testicles may become swollen and painful in males; a similar condition may affect the female ovaries, sometimes leading to sterility.

Treatments

There is no specific treatment for mumps. Ice or heat packs applied to the neck area and with acetaminophen (Tylenol) may help relieve pain. Do not give aspirin to children with a viral illness because of the risk of Reye’s syndrome.Warm salt water gargles, soft foods, and extra fluids may also help relieve symptoms.

Around twenty per cent of infected people will be affected so slightly that they will not even realise they have mumps.

Mumps is a virus and thus will cannot be treated with antibiotics. Like most viral illnesses, mumps can be left to run its course and most children and adults recover in 2-3 weeks as long as there are no complications.

Treat the symptoms with paracetamol or ibuprofen. DO NOT USE ASPIRIN. Unless instructed by a doctor, don’t give aspirin to a child who has a viral illness as the use of aspirin in such cases can lead to the development of Reye Syndrome, a serious and potentially deadly encephalitis-like illness.

Give plenty of fluids but avoid acidic fruit juices (lemonade, orange juice etc) as these can increase parotid pain.

A child with mumps doesn’t need to stay in bed but should not go to school while still infectious. A doctor can advise when it is safe to return.

Hence  Vajikarana Therapy is recommended in ayurveda for men who are above 20 and below 70 to maintain optimum sexual activity and number of healthy sperms. Vajikarana Therapy recommends herbal preparations which are aphrodisiac.

Read about Depression Supplements and also read about Depression Remedies and Herbs For Depression

I was at the doctor today – follow up to the kidney infection that apparently has now metamorphasized into a kidney stone (got to love our healthcare system). This fellow could see I was a religious Jew – the sheitel, modest dress and the Hebrew necklace that I wear. He started talking to me about the mumps outbreak that seems to have hit a lot of the Jewish schools here. He heard it started at a religious camp in the Catskills and that a lot of the religious kids in Brooklyn are sick with it too. He wanted to know why if there is an outbreak the non-Jewish kids weren’t sick.

He asked me if there were sects of Jews who refuse to vaccinate their children due to religious reasons. I was honestly very surprised at the question, although thinking back, I shouldn’t have been. I explained to him that I highly doubt it. After all we are commanded to look after ourselves – venishmartem et nafshoteichem. If we need blood transfusions or surgery we have to do what we can to ensure our life isn’t in jeopardy. Vaccinating, I believe, falls into the same category. These childhood diseases are easily spread and can be fatal. That’s why most schools that I know of have a legal requirement that all children must be up to date on their vaccinations in order to attend.

But, as I told the doctor, I am not a rabbi or rabbanit and I certainly don’t have the level of knowledge to be able to categorically state that the majority of religious / Chassidic sects vaccinate their children.

Any of my JewCrew have something to contribute?

As of today, Canada is doling out the H1N1 vaccination. There is a priority as to who gets the vaccinations first. People with chronic medical conditions under the age of 65; Pregnant women (after 20 weeks gestation); Children six months of age to under five years of age; People living in remote and isolated settings or communities; Health-care workers involved in pandemic response or who deliver essential health services; Household contacts and caregivers of individuals who are at high risk, and who cannot be immunized (such as infants under six months of age or people with weakened immune systems).

Dr. David Butler-Jones, Canada’s chief public health officer said “Keeping in mind that we’ve ordered enough vaccine for every Canadian that needs and wants to be immunized, our basic approach is to ensure that those that need it most get it first.”

I am not sure whether or not I plan to vaccinate my children or not, or even to get the vaccine myself. A friend told me seeing as I am still finishing antibiotics my body is too weak to get the vaccine, another told me not to take it as the side effects and risks have yet to be quantified. I don’t actively seek to stick my kids with needles – are they at risk of H1N1 more so than regular flu? Right now I am more concerned with the mumps that seems to have hit their school than with the threat of something seemingly abstract.

Are you vaccinating? Why? Why not? Let’s have a discussion.

1. 800 Nigerian scam websites shut down -

In a statement EFCC, which has previously relied on raiding cyber cafes and complaints from the public to clampdown on the crime, said it has now adopted smart technology working in conjunction with Microsoft, to track down fraudulent emails.

When operating at full capacity, within the next six months, the scheme, dubbed “eagle claw” should be able to forewarn around a quarter of million potential victims.

2. Health insurance companies declare past rape a pre-existing condition - After 2 men slipped her a knockout drug, Christina Turner feared she’d been raped. As a precaution, her doctor prescribed a month’s worth of anti-AIDS medicine, which turns out to have made her virtually uninsurable. Several months later, she lost her health insurance. But although she never developed HIV, when considering whether or not to cover her, health insurance companies decided the HIV medication raised too many health questions and told her to come back in 3 years. Where’s the outrage, Sarah Palin?

3. Happy birthday, Creationist Earth -

. . .in 1658, Archbishop Ussher determined that the world was created precisely at 9am, 23 October, 4004 BC, making today the official creation day, and the earth 6012 years old.

4. FDA and FTC go after Andrew Weil – Weil is one of the most notorious “alternative” “medicine” conmen working today. Now the FDA and FTC have sent him a warning demanding he stop selling bogus herbal flu remedies containing astragalus on his website. And of course leading Quack Profiteer Mark Adams is very grumpy about this no doubt because he suspects he might be next.

5. Mumps epidemic in Brooklyn -

The outbreak was traced to a child who went to Britain – where the illness is more common because of lower levels of vaccination – and then attended a summer camp upstate, apparently infecting dozens of kids.

Thanks anti-vaccinationists!

• We’ve all heard of being casually late to a party, but what’s it called when you show up, say eight months after the party actually ended? All of a sudden Harry Reid is ready to get tough with the public option. New York Times
• Oh, hey! How’s that Jay Leno experiment working over at NBC? Well, he’s getting beaten by shows on FX now! FX, people! Live Feed
• Sure everyone on the right is freaking out because Barack Obama’s approval rating took a big hit, but, well, he still beats Mike Huckadouche and Mittens Romney in hypothetical match-ups. So there’s that. Public Policy Polling
• In a case of not-quite-instant karma, Joe “YOU LIE” Wilson’s wife has swine flu. CNN
• As if the idea of spending time in Brooklyn weren’t already terrifying enough, now if you go there, you’ll get Mumps. Fox NYC
• In this tough economy, it’s good to know Annie Leibovitz can still get the occasional job. It’s White House portrait time! CNN

Bill Maher is risking his credentials as critical thinker with his continuing rants against vaccines — he’s questioned the safety of vaccines on two episodes in a row. Worse, he’s risking the health of those who listen to him — and even worse still, the health of those they infect by not getting vaccines.

How’s that? Well, folks with compromised immune systems cannot get vaccines; they must rely on herd immunity to protect them from dangerous but easily preventable diseases. For example, my toddler  daughter was in this situation when we had to temporarily suspend her vaccinations during her 2-1/2-year course of chemotherapy to treat leukemia. If she had been exposed to some disease like measles, mumps, rubella, diphtheria or pertussis by some unvaccinated kid whose parents were misinformed that the vaccines cause autism, she would have gotten very sick or even died in her compromised state. We completed our daughter’s vaccination program as soon as her immune system recovered enough to allow it.

On this week’s episode of Real Time, Maher even went so far as to say vaccinations are not “settled” science. He’s completely and totally wrong. Michael Shermer explains why in an open letter to Maher (emphasis mine):

Vaccinations are not 100% effective, nor are they risk free. But the benefits far outweigh the risks, and when communities in the U.S. and the U.K. in recent years have foregone vaccinations in large numbers, herd immunity is lost and communicable diseases have come roaring back. This is yet another example of evolution at work, but in this case it is working against us. (See www.sciencebasedmedicine.org for numerous articles answering every one of the objections to vaccinations.)

Vaccination is one of science’s greatest discoveries. It is with considerable irony, then, that as a full-throated opponent of the nonsense that calls itself Intelligent Design, your anti-vaccination stance makes you something of an anti-evolutionist. Since you have been so vocal in your defense of the theory of evolution, I implore you to be consistent in your support of the theory across all domains and to please reconsider your position on vaccinations. It was not unreasonable to be a vaccination skeptic in the 1880s, which the co-discovered of natural selection—Alfred Russel Wallace—was, but we’ve learned a lot over the past century. Evolution explains why vaccinations work. Please stop denying evolution in this special case.

It’s really a simple risk-benefit analysis. Vaccines have saved millions of lives, with small risk (and developing autism is not one of those risks).

All medical treatments carry risks — my daughter’s chemotherapy treatment carried risks for her, but the cost-benefit analysis showed that the risk of problems from chemotherapy was far outweighed by the risk to her life from letting her leukemia go unchecked. Similarly, the tiny risk of allergic reactions to vaccines for a tiny percentage of those who get them is far outweighed by the risk of contracting easily preventable but deadly diseases oneself and of spreading those diseases to others.

As a long-time Maher fan — and one who sometimes disagrees with him — I hope he will change his hypocritical position on vaccines very soon and very publicly before more damage is done on this key public-health front. And before he becomes a wingnut like those he’s made a career of exposing.

Parents Opting Out of Vaccines
Currently an estimated one out of five chilren are not vaccinated. If this trend continues, diseases which have been eradicated, or nearly eradicated will once again emerge.

http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/2232869/parents_opting_out_of_vaccines.html

22 and a half years have passed since my cheeks last swelled out for fattyface Lindy and now it’s back with avengence, ensuring I miss my booked trip to London. My plane takes off at 3:30 tomorrow and I’ll be wallowing in self pity with my cracked lips running my fingers along my swollen neck which has now become my face…or has my face become my neck?

In any case it all started on Wednesday when I was busy researching my Fenian project in the National Library. John McClure and Peter O’ Neill Crowley are the main men for my essay; the former being a second generation American who was only in Ireland a few months before leading a massive rising at the tender age of 22, the latter being a well off Cork farmer whose namesake Grand Uncle, Peter O’ Neill had been given over 200 lashes for his part in the 1798 rebellion. I suppose it was more to do with looking up newspapers on microfiche all day but my head really started to swirl after a while. I suddenly noticed how damn dehydrated I was and I started drinking more water than normal. I usually stay in town for dinner with Clara before my dancing but on this occasion I found myself on autopilot on the 15A bus home. I called my ma and she told me there was no dinner in the house so I had little choice but to get off the bus. I remember thinking an hour’s nap would have been nice but I had no real reason to be tired.

I sauntered up to Roma Two to get some food but I can’t say I was hungry. I should have been but I just wasn’t. I talked to Tolea for a while and then slid into one of the plastic chairs that are connected to the wall with a table between them, almost like on a train but less comfy and with no real destination. Eventually without my asking Tolea pointed to a steaming hot paper bag on the counter stained with drips of vinegar on it and told me it was mine to eat if I wanted. I was trying to be grateful so I took it and thought the smell of the chips might make me hungry but it was half hearted. I was starting to get shooting pains in the side of my face. It had started in the library, the random burst of pain but now it was constant.

I slid back into my seat and ripped the bag open fully to let the steaming hot vinegar air rush out. I picked at a chip or two with my plastic fork and then at the breaded chicken he had cut into pieces for me. I stared at the walls, at the posters for up and coming events and at the “que this way” sign and wondered if the person who had ripped the letters off genuinely thought he /she was correcting them or did it in a drunken moment. I mean if it was French it would say “what this way” or even “that this way”..Tolea opened the sidehatch of the counter and I snapped back to consciousness and the realisation I wasn’t eating. I flipped a chip or two into my mouth and he asked me if I was ok.

Tolea rarely talks to me when I visit him at work. He always has a cap on that says “Taekwondo” because that’s what he loves to do. I feel bad for him because his fingers are broken and he’s as happy as a dancer with broken legs. Whenever I don’t taak to him for a week or two he calls me all the time. Whenever I call him he never answers. I really don’t know what that means at all. Some days I turn up at his chipper and he makes me chips but he barely speaks to me at all. Some days when he’s not at work he tells me all about his life and his home country of Moldova. Some days he barely talks. In his work, he hardly says two words but he’ll make faces at me sometimes almost like he doesn’t like speaking in his own voice when I’m there.

I don’t really know what any of that means.

This time he told me to go to the doctor and to stop touching my face. That I shouldn’t be eating crap food and that I should drink water and not coke. All of the above was true but I refused to go to the doctor like I refuse to get taxis. I think it’s on principle but it’s probably more to do with the fact that I earn just over 5 euro an hour and I have mortgage to pay. The doctor costs 50 or 60 squiddles and I don’t wanna fork that out. Mainly because I’ll be disappointed if it’s nothing and I wasted my cash and then if it is someting I have to pay for meds and endure it. The pain got more and more frequent and eventually I just sat there cradling my face.

Tolea took a napkin and drew a map on it of Dublin. He knew a street with a late doctor with a pub on it “that the gays go to”. I thought he meant George’s Street but it turns out it was Parliament Street, home of the Front Lounge. I truested his instinct and clocking the time 6:45 I said my goodbyes and he nodded.

It was just after 7 when I had lazily hopped on a bus for the 2 or 3 stops and I found myself pacing up Parliament street. The open sign was written in neon lights which made me happy and wary. I followed the instructions, buzzed and waited. The doctor pushed the door open for me and I guess it was never locked to begin with. The place was completely empty and even the receptionist had gone home. I walked straight into his office and he checked me over, pressing this and that gland. I suddenly noticed I was swollen under my right ear. He said it could be mumps but I told him I already had it when I was 3 and I was vaccinated against it. Maybe it was something else. 50 squiddles and a doctors note to get antibiotics and painkillers.

Off I went. The worlds slowest chemist…30 squiderooneys

Arrived at dancing at 7:30. An improvers class was underway and I swung into my chair at the door to collect the funds on the way in for the beginners class. Felt pretty rubbish but tried to stay upbeat to keep a good energy for the beginners. I was on a high bar stool and I felt like toppling over to either side. Man I was thirsty. I wasn’t even daning but I polished off my pint of water no bother. Karl sat with me for a while. I taught my first class with him on Monday. He’s a good character and one hell of a great dancer. We talked until 9 and I sipped my water every other moment and thought about trip to London on Saturday. I owed Elaine 40euro for the booking and I could just hand it over to her when I got paid. No bother.

Took money, stamped wrists, handed out free newsletters, half heartedly answered enquiries trying to ignore this lethargic feeling. Ten o’ clock came and Jessica was at my table immediately to collect my money. Jason offered me a dance and I took it but I was all over the place. My balance was off. I told Elaine I was going home. It was better to be well for Saturday than squeeze a dance in when I wasn’t well.

Woke up feeling rubbish and ignored my alarm. Didn’t bother putting it on snooze. Woke up at nine and went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror. Oh bloody dear. My face was damn swollen. Showed my mother and we decided it couldn’t be mumps, could it? I went back to bed and played scramble on facebook until I melted my brain. I wasn’t getting any better. I needed to see another doctor. I got dressed and my parents drove me around the corner. He takes his lunch from 11-2p.m. what a meany pie. Should we only get sick in the morning and late afternoon then?

We drove home and I sat on my bed a little out of it. I heard my parents talking about clinics and hospitals. I was bundled into the car again. My Da decided speed was the best option but my body didn’t agree. We hit a speed bump and I grabbed his wine bag. The few mouthfuls of tomato soup I had managed to stomach that morning came back to say hello along with my several pints of water. We pulled up at a private hospital after my parents having a massive row about the entrance to the place. My ma took my wine bag and said she’d find a bin for me but dear oh dear there wasn’t one until we were in the hospital. I’m sorry whoever had to clean that.

I thought private hospitals saw you immediately. All they do is walk in slow motion and talk about Penneys as if they only started pronouncing the word since it’s the new cool of the recession. My ma had me gripped by the arm as my speech slurred and my consciousness was all over the place.I clutched my sick bag they handed me on the way in when I was whoozy. It looked so hightech I might have gotten sick on the floor before I realised where exactly I was to puke. Eventually after about an hour a nurse looked at me. She was mad grumpy and knew fuck all. She googled mumps!!! She put a mask on my face that made me look like a pig. She ignored everything I said. I told her I was mad dehydrated and she told me not to drink water. She asked how much pain I was in on a scale of 1 to 10. I said it was more discomfort and she said…what?! 7?! Good.

I sat outside for another eternity slipping in and out of sleep. Eventually they got me a bed. The nurse told me to keep my jumper off. I had a fever at this stage and I was shivering. I think she told me that because she hated me. I was there for another eternity. I fell asleep for real this time. The bed wasn’t even comfy. It’s one of those beds designed to keep you awake with those pillows that they nurse offers you saying “Here this will make you more comfortable” when really it props you up into a position you can’t sleep in. I showed her and dozed off right away. I seemed to sense the doctor arriving and bounced awake as he came in.

Alan Sugar was well dressed as usual with a mega posh accent and talked down to every nurse that asked him a question while being mega polite to the inflated patient. I would imagine I would hate working for him. “5 and 5 made 10 the last time I checked but maybe you should get a calculator”. Ouch.

He was a nice enough guy though. I googled him today and he saved a load of people on an M50 pileup..nobody died. So I can’t complain that he was my doctor. Still he had a prod and said he thought it was mumps. He asked if I could open my mouth and when I said not very much he said it was always a shame when that happened to women. He told me I was slightly swollen and I told him I was hugely so, that my face and neck were usually very well defined. He dwindled on the point of my body being very well defined until he elicited a chuckle from my mother and a faint painful smile from myself.

Then he was gone and a young Asian man came in to take a blood sample. He announced his intention long before doing it so I could imagine how it would feel with no food in my tummy. It was crappy. I was told I could be admitted if I wanted..only 800 a night..so that’s where their cars come from!

The rubbish receptionist wrote the wrong date on my sicknote letter and said “this week” instead of one week so I had to go back when I’d gotten as far as the car. Oh well. My dosage of meds was doubled. I was now a sick puppy.

120 squideroos

Woke up like an elephant at 2 a.m. I had slept since 7. I thought I felt better until I looked in the mirror. My swelling was all down my chest and my face and neck where all one big mush. If I leaned forward the weight of my neck hung from me like a school bag. I felt like my head and shoulders was a plastic bag filled with water. My ma rang the clinic and then told me to take a shower. I’d been referred to the eye end ear (and throat and nose) clinic. I packed my things in my rubbish state. Finding this but not the charger, finding the charger but not that…Hmm. Too sick to care. Grabbed my 7Up. It reminds me of sickness and seemed like a good hospital prop to have.

Arrived at 10 and met another rubbish receptionist. They seem to have a policy of not listening to you. The rules were you tell her which clinic you are due for and then you shut up. I wanted to tell her I had mumps and maybe sitting in a waiting room full of kids was a recipe for disaster.  Eventually my ma got up again to tell her and again she was abrupt. Waited and waited. Another Linda Byrne was called and we both got up. When they saw the state of my head they sent me in immediately. Thanks crap receptionist! The nurse saw us and my ma ratted her out for not isolating me. I got sent to wait inside. Next thing I know the receptionist is bringing me by the arm to my chair and asking if I wanted some water. Someone got told. HA!

The doctor was quite young and to add insult to my unaccomplished life and babyface asked if I needed a sicknote for school. Aw bless. She had a fondle of my glands and that hurt like a bitch. A student sat in with her that looked at his shoes all the time as if they were his real teacher. She said she needed to stick a probe up my nose with a camera but it was being washed. We sat and talked about mumps and how cool they are. She stuck things in my ears and opened my mouth and made me cough and “agh” just like the other two doctors had. She said I needed to sit it out and I didn’t need to be admitted. My fresh pyjamas got a little upset but I told them I’d wear them tomorrow anyways.

She bade me goodbye and my ma realised I hadn’t been attacked in the nose. We retraced our steps and were told to sit down and wait. I was called in again and my nostrils were squirted qith some liquid that smelled awful. She said something about not swallowing it and next thing it was in my throat. Yuck. Swallowed it anyway. Nasty. She takes out the machine that had taken a half hour to wash and its this massive long probing thing to stick in my nose and gives it to the student. We both look terrified! I’d love a picture or our faces. The more mine contorted the more he did. Like a vet putting a cute animal out of its misery. I don’t think he knew where to send the thing and at first he just destroyed my nose and then finally he got into it and started probing my brain. I’d no idea anything could go that far into your nose. Then to check he did it right she did my other nostril. Oh the outrage! Nothing wrong there.

So I got sent home with suspicion of mumps and here I lie in my death bed like a right fatty. Clara said she’d call over later with some magazines and dvds. Sorcha called and wished me well. Craig called from New Zealand and made me laugh as per usual. I could do with some attention. I’m already mad bored!

This week’s playlist doesn’t have a theme as such, but is just some music I like.

After an introductory snippet, we start with Anyone But You by The Mumps. The Mumps were a late 70s art-rock/punk band led by reality TV star Lance Loud (who takes lead on this) and musician Kristian Hoffman (who sings lead on the middle eight). In this form, this song sounds like a very rough demo for the version on Hoffman’s 2002 duets album &, possibly the best album of the last decade, which is near-identical to this but tighter and with Stew singing Lance Loud’s part (other people Hoffman duets with on the album include Darian Sahanaja, Van Dyke Parks, Russel Mael, Rufus Wainwright and El Vez). Unfortunately, Hoffman’s solo work is not yet on Spotify, but this will give some idea of how it sounds. But buy Hoffman’s album, seriously. Best album of the last ten years.

Where Have You Been All My Life? by Arthur Alexander is, shamefully, the only track by the great soul singer on Spotify (not only that, he’s not on eMusic either – a definite argument for the continued existence of CDs). Alexander is mostly known now for his influence on British bands like the Beatles (who covered many of his songs live) or the Stones, but he really deserves much more recognition.

I’ve had a minor obsession with the Threepenny Opera since LOEG: Century was released a few months ago, especially Pirate Jenny. I usually listen to the version by Nina Simone because she interprets the English version of the lyrics best, but Lotte Lenya singing it with Kurt Weill’s original orchestration is the definitive version in the original German.

Suzy Creamcheese by Teddy & His Patches is not, strangely, a cover of the Zappa song, but a totally different song, obviously inspired by the spoken bit and percussion jams at the end of Freak Out! but sounding far more like the Thirteenth Floor Elevators, with a bit of the Count Five thrown in. A marvellous garage rave-up.

Lady Lynda by The Beach Boys is included because I’ve always felt that Al Jardine was a horribly underrated vocalist – being in a band with Brian and Carl Wilson would let anyone get overlooked, but I actually think he was at least on their level, and while this song (a hit for the band in the UK, written by Jardine about his then-wife, based around Jesu, Joy Of Man’s Desiring) isn’t one of their best, it does really showcase his vocal abilities. In fact more than that – when the ‘live’ album and DVD this is from came out, it was claimed that there were no vocal overdbubs after the fact, in which case (as you can hear here) Jardine must be the only man in the world who can double-track himself live, while simultaneously singing a totally different backing vocal line – sometimes without even moving his lips…

Baby It’s You by The Shirelles is the first of two Bacharach songs on this playlist – in fact the backing track here is Bacharach’s home demo (as you can tell from the dropped-in solo, awkward and out of place). What always gets me about this song is the ‘cheat, cheat’ in the second verse. She knows that ‘what they say about you’ is true, but has chosen to forgive, but not to forget…

Little Miss Britten by Dudley Moore is Moore doing Little Miss Muffet in the style of Britten’s settings of folk songs for Peter Pears. Absolutely *cutting*. Moore never really got to develop his talent for musical comedy after choosing essentially to become Peter Cook’s straight man, but while these early pastiches are a little glib he could easily have become as good as Tom Lehrer or Flanders & Swann in his own right, rather than being the assistant to an even greater genius…

I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself by Dusty Springfield is another Bacharach/David song. This one has been covered by Elvis Costello (where I first heard the song) and The White Stripes, but this is the definitive version. I was reading someone (Bob Stanley quoted by Jonathan Calder, who I also just realised isn’t on my blogroll, something I will rectify forthwith) recently talking about how at the time, Dusty Springfield was only seen as one of a number of interchangeable vocalists like Cilla Black, Lulu or Sandy Shaw, but now she’s the only one who is still an influence on many, many new singers.

Ride The Wild Surf by Jan & Dean is a fairly formulaic J&D/Brian Wilson early surf song, appaling vocals and all (these records are a lot more dissonant than people remember), but I love the ‘gotta take that one last ride’ hook, the ‘ride ride ride’ at the end of the middle eight (with that throbbing bass staying on one note while the vocals go up and up) and especially the end of the track. Those elements are all things that either Wilson or Jan Berry (probably Wilson) almost certainly lifted from the Beatles (compare the end of every other Jan & Dean or Beach Boys single up to that point, with their fades, to the ‘one-two-three, one-two-three, CHORD!’ ending of both this and I Want To Hold Your Hand).

A Very Cellular Song by The Incredible String Band is a thirteen-minute multi-sectioned song with gospel and folk elements, featuring organ, harpsichord and crumhorn. The album this was on went top ten in 1967… (relistening to this recently, I was annoyed to discover that one of my own new songs bears too much resemblance to this – I’m rewriting it in my head at the moment).

Brother Gorilla (Le Gorille) by Jake Thackray is Thackray’s loose translation of Georges Brassens’ chanson. It actually sounds just like one of Thackray’s own songs – the only clue to it being a translation is the rather forced ’swinging lissomely out of his cage’ and ‘the judge intoned with tranquility’, both of which have too many syllables for their lines. But how many other songwriters could manage to get ‘paleolithic’ into a song and have it scan? (Incidentally, a warning – this is a comedy song about a hanging judge being raped by a gorilla. Some of you might find it offensive or triggering).

Liebster Jesu, Wir Sind Hier by Dr Albert Schweitzer is, yes, that Albert Schweitzer. As well as his missionary, medical and theological work, for which he’s more widely known, he was also one of the world’s foremost interpreters of Bach on the organ in the early 20th century, even inventing several new mic-positioning techniques for recording Bach more accurately. While this has some surface noise, it’s still a lovely performance.

Wishing Well by The National Pep is one of a very small number of songs where I wrote the words as well as the music (Tilt rewrote two lines of this). In fact the song came to me, words and music, on the bus and I had to scribble it down and work out the chords later – I still can’t actually play it on the guitar, having written it without an instrument. (The last couple of lines were added later, as the bus stopped before I could finish writing, and I still don’t think they fit particularly well). Tilt and our engineer Steve managed to take my tinkly MIDI file (which Gavin R said sounded like the music from Super Mario Brothers when he heard it on its own) and Joe Meek it up enough to be usable (basically they played the MIDI file backwards through a good sampled harpsichord with reverb on it, then reversed the recording, plus a ton of other stuff), and Tilt and Laura Denison provided vocals.

C-H-I-C-K-E-N spells Chicken by The McGee Brothers is another song that some may find offensive – with good reason, as in its very first line it includes two racist epithets. Unfortunately, pre-war rural music like this (a song originally written, I believe, by the phenomenal banjo player Uncle Dave Macon) often has these elements – and I’m very grateful for Van Dyke Parks’ cover of this (unfortunately not on Spotify) for changing those lyrics while preserving the wonderful song itself.

Speaking of cover versions by Van Dyke Parks, Donovan’s Colours is a ragtime-ish instrumental version of Donovan’s 60s hit, with some lovely percussion and cello bits to it. Just gorgeous. Remind me to do several more blog posts about Parks at some point – he’s one of the unsung greats.

And Will You Remember Me by Janet Klein is a lovely little solo performance, just voice and ukulele.

Today, children receive 11 vaccines routinely and as many as 20 shots by 2 years of age. Recent Pediatrics article:….READ MORE