Some things are destroyed all at once, in a flash and with a bang. The ruin is catastrophic, dramatic, big and bold. It’s a declaration of horror and ruin, without any cause for doubt or room for discussion. There’s a sort of beauty, stark and horrible, to a ruin like this. People watch car crashes and buildings going up in flames and roadkill for this reason – there’s a beauty in the dramatic effect of a life being snuffed out or even simply in the ruin of something substantial that you wouldn’t expect to be destroyed so quickly or easily. It’s a morbid and fearful beauty, but there is beauty in it.

Then there are things that collapse from within, slowly, without drawing attention to themselves. Things stew for ages, gradually becoming worse, collapsing by degrees. It’s like something decaying, almost – there is something there underneath the surface that rots away slowly, until one day you realize that the whole thing is about to fall down completely with the slightest puff of wind or nudge of a fingertip. There is a different sort of beauty here – the frail, the pathetic, the fragile and ethereal look that sometimes comes across in this situation. It is the feeling of impending doom, but one that has been coming for a long, long time.

No matter what, there is a beauty in collapse, however wrong it may be.

I promise that I will not miss another week until my Stickk.com commitments have ended. My partner and I have been travelling to our various family homes and the one where we spent the longest is in the middle of nowhere, beyond the easy reach of the internet. I know it seems implausible to think that I couldn’t access the web long enough to update the blog, but as it turns out, doing so was either really annoying (through a phone) or involved paying money (at an internet cafe).

I won’t bother you with my stats. Monday the 14th through Wednesday the 16th went well. I stayed at my 2500 calorie limit and did my exercising. However, the next four days, my partner and I were busy crossing the country and were caught in that awful blizzard. Dieting was not easy. That said, on Monday the 21st, I had only gained .6 pounds, landing me at 184.8.

But the next week was an absurd and obscene binge. I let loose from the diet with sheer and utter abandon. I told myself when I left for the holidays that I would come back weighing less than 190 and be happy. Now that I’m in a more “civilized” location I can use a gym regularly for free and I have the internet at my fingertips. Also, family meetings and big meals are over, so its back on the diet. I think I can still hit 175 by mid-March as my current commitment requires. My goal for next week is to not gain any weight, and I have the same goal for the next week.

As for right now, I’ve lost two more weeks to my nemesis. I’m sad to say that over 11 months later, losing $10 isn’t enough to get me to not overeat when I’m traveling for Christmas. In fact, I’m not sure I should have made the commitment knowing what was coming. Then again, I probably should have made a stronger one to prevent this sort of slacking off. It would be nice if I had composed a “Christmas slack” set of commitments in any event.

I’ve decided that when I return home and the year resumes, I’m going to pack on another $20/week to my commitments to jump-start myself back into the habit. $10 was enough to motivate me on my initial descent, but as you probably know, maintenance and weight loss near your goal is harder than dropping the major pounds at the outset.

Until next week!

]]> http://nishajl.com/2009/12/28/those-dancing-days-those-dancing-days/ Mon, 28 Dec 2009 10:00:28 +0000 nishajl http://nishajl.com/2009/12/28/those-dancing-days-those-dancing-days/ http://allaroundmearefamiliarfaces.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/12-days-of-christmas/ Mon, 28 Dec 2009 05:50:27 +0000 nooboonoob http://allaroundmearefamiliarfaces.wordpress.com/2009/12/28/12-days-of-christmas/

Ah Christmas, how I love thee (especially this year). Gave me a really good break.

Anyway, APPARENTLY the 12 days of Christmas has a Christian meaning. Its quite interesting lol.

Its about that time again, you know the time of year when people begin talking resolutions for the next year. And you know you will hear a  lot of the following resolutions :

Lose weight, get fit, drink less, stop smoking, be less stressed, buy less makeup… blah blah blah…

I also must confess that I never have taken new years resolutions seriously. I did the resolution to not have a resolution last year, I think. I don’t remember what I did before that, but i’m going to assume that it wasn’t so important. The thing i don’t really understand is why people give you the  shocked face when you tell them you don’t have a resolution. Did i just cross some social line? Or break some unwritten law like the law that states no socks with black flipflops? You know that law that every older asian woman breaks? Don’t act like you didn’t internally cringe. I know I did.

So if assuming i broke some moral code that i didn’t know about, why do people get so up in arms about me not having a resolution for the new years? I think it has to do more with them digging for ideas. Sort of like when adults ask kids what they want to be when they grow up, don’t lie, you know their just looking for ideas. Therefore I’m going to assume its a similar situation. You jerks make me feel bad because y’all can’t think of anything good either!

However I’ll tell y’all about a life resolution more then a new years resolution. Yeah, I only do life resolutions (attempting to sound high and mighty is it working?). My life resolution is to minimize the negative and increase the positive in my life. I imagine this will take… well a lifetime. ( Like that did ya? I’ll be here all week) When will i know I have achieved ultimate minimization of negative ? How the heck should I know? But i’ll assume the answer to that is I will never know nor will I ever reach that point of “ultimate”.

I think we spend our lives believing in there being this one questions with it’s one answer which will somehow make the world right itself and rainbows to appear and little bunnies begin frolicking in the fields. Forgive me for not looking at it the same, I think that is the lazy person’s wish. I think life is made up of alot of questions and alot of answers.

But for the sake of this discussion we will say that our question is how do we reduce negativity in our lives? This is again a complicated topic, so lets simplify a little bit shall we? Lets say suffering, which is a negative is the key here. Ok there are alot of people who will say suffering has lots of definitions and will have lots of ideas on why people suffer, and even more to say about how to end that suffering. I am NOT here to discuss all that with y’all because we would never leave.

Because lets face it, everyone will have a partial truth. People suffer for many reasons and suffer in many different ways. Thus doesn’t it make sense that for all these people and all these different reasons the path won’t be completely the same?

Am I going to give y’all an ultimate answer? Hell no, what do you think this is? This is a small time blog, not some answer to life mysteries. But how about this for some food for thought. Revolutionalize your thinking. Stop looking for the ultimate answer. Instead look for a ultimate question and spend a lifetime finding all the answers, yes plural. Because we are all different. I mean take a look at Christianity…if there is only one way…why are there so many different denominations?

So.. i rambled a bit, sorry guys.

Last night, had a great chat with someone I did not know very well before. Well, needless to say, we know each other much better now. It is always a good day to make new good friends

I am so obsessed with printing presses, the accompanying letters, typewriters, antique keys, antique locks, old-fashion doctor’s bags, old-fashion cowboy bags, antique luggage, antique hat boxes, antique phones, cast iron stoves, antique cameras, the previously mentioned and blogged about leather journals, leather scrolls… in about twenty years, there is a slight chance I will be on an episode of Hoarders. But probably not because I shall display my collections beautifully! And use them. Le whimsy.

That is all.

Have to go back to work tomorrow. Sigh… but am thankful for the long weekend. Almost every long weekend, D and I will go to buy flowers for the house. Its like we will be spending more time at home so we want something to pretty the place up.

Winter seems to be full of them (and thank goodness, ’cause otherwise I’d just curl into a ball and hibernate). Everyone’s celebrating all sorts of stuff from Hanukkah to Christmas to Yule to Kwanzaa to whatever-other-holidays-there-may-be. Everyone’s always rushing around trying to make sure all their friends and family and coworkers have the perfect or most appropriate gifts, they’re baking treats for the holidays and preparing the perfect meals. The table has to be set just right and all the cards have to be sent out  (you can’t forget anyone!) Hours upon hours are spent wrapping what seems to be an endless mound of those just-right presents and you can’t forget all the decorations! Lights are up everywhere, some simple and some so extravagant that drivers have to creep along at 1 mph so they can get a good look at the household’s holiday arrangement (much to the dismay of many). The trees go up and the ornaments are hung, many to be smashed and broken over the next few days by careless children and amused pets.

Then [insert your holiday here] morning comes and all those presents you spent hours wrapping have been opened and tossed aside everywhere, some without much second thought. The toys need batteries (“What do you mean we’re out!? Didn’t we just buy some!?”) and the wrapping paper is everywhere. Rooms are in absolute ruin because nobody knows where to put their new items. Chances are that the bank account is gasping for air as it whirls away into the black abyss (mine never seems to get a break). And the aftermath has only just begun.

For the next several months, there will be many children in tears because their brand new toys are: out of batteries, broken, lost, stolen, boring, or even possibly eaten by the dog. There will be many shouts of pain as parents step on those toys that have been left out in places they should never have been (what’s that doing in the middle of the staircase? Really?). There will be endless trips to the mall for returns or exchanges on unwanted gifts or the clothes that looked great but were just one size too small or to use up those gift cards to get those last few items your family didn’t bother to get off your list. The electronics will get so much use over the next few months that they begin to bore the users into not playing them again for at least a couple weeks (assuming they aren’t addicted and already glue themselves to such things 24/7 -yes, I may be just a bit guilty).

Oh, yes. The Holidays. A time so stressful we plan for it all year just get a head start to relieve some of the at-the-moment stresses that happen with last minute gifts, Black Friday, low funding, and out-of-stock wishes.

But we all know that the Holidays are really about love, peace, and thankfulness. Right? Don’t we? I mean, we sure SAY it a lot. But where does it actually show? Where in this holiday rush do we REALLY give? Sure, we give presents to our family and friends. They mean the most, don’t they? To you, maybe. And there’s nothing wrong with showing them you care, especially since we toss them aside and annoy the heck out of them most of the year. Most of the year, our families just feel like inconveniences that are always trying to get in your way (or is that just me?). Most of the year, our friends are people we go to for help without much thinking about how you can help them (I’d like to hope that isn’t me, but hey–we’re all human. I’m sure I do it, too). But again. Where is the real giving? Why should we only give to those closest to us? For some reason, the idea of giving things to people we don’t know or may never know makes people…uncomfortable.

That’s right. Those Santa bell-ringers in front of every store drive people crazy. How could they ever spare money for those people when they’re barely pulling money together for that latest-greatest fancy-schmancy device/gadget/dowhatzit for their family? Buy presents for another family? As if I can even get the ones I need for my own? You want me to what? Prepare a SECOND Christmas meal for a bunch of people I don’t even know? Do you know how long it takes to prepare just one meal?

Yes, that’s right.

I’m sorry. I just can’t right now. I (don’t have enough money right now/don’t have the time). But Merry Christmas!

That’s fine. We understand. Merry Christmas to you, too, (Sir or Ma’am).

Then they walk away hurriedly and carry on with their shopping.

Really, I don’t get it. Why, as a whole culture, are we so centered around ourselves? I’ll admit, I’ve been that way, too. I used to think the whole giving-to-others thing was such a burden. We HAD to do it every year, and we had to be dragged around to visit a bunch of people I’d never met or would ever meet again so we could deliver the gifts. I always felt so awkward, as I usually do around people I’ve never met. The whole thing felt so awkward. I was being FORCED to do this. I never got a say in the matter. What if I wanted to see my friends that morning? Nope. We gotta go do this first. Your friends can wait. And I doubt I’m the only one that’s ever thought along those lines.

Giving to people is just so hard. You’re actually looked down on a bit if you spend time at a number of charities. You mean you didn’t get that new thingamawhatzit? Why not? Oh, your dad made you go serve poor people dinner? Oh. How lame. Sorry.

Or is this just what we think is happening? Are all of us just so caught up in this illusion that everyone else thinks it’s so horrible and demeaning to give to others? It’s not like people don’t. They just do it very under-the-table so to speak. A lot of money is given anonymously, so others never have to know. For some, maybe it is that they just don’t want the credit. But maybe a lot of it is because they don’t want others to know?

Interesting, i’in’t it?

I mean, yeah. It’s cool to get things. I got some cool stuff… but back to that earlier little bit–do we really need it? What makes getting that new iPod or computer or TV so much more important than helping a family stay afloat. Heck, even a GPS is unnecessary. As easily as I get lost, I don’t actually NEED one (I’d sure like one, ’cause it’d make things way less stressful). Those things cost a LOT. Several hundred dollars, in fact.

Several hundred dollars. What could you do with that? Well, you could probably feed a few families, give out several gifts to children that may never see one otherwise, and save an animal from being put down due to lack of space. Several hundred dollars can go a long way.

Yet we choose to make it go as quickly as possible.

Keep in mind, I’m not trying to preach. Just musing. ‘Cause this year has been crazy for me. No, not horribly filled with events (though going to Disneyworld for Thanksgiving was quite the treat and Summer Camp was definitely filled with…events). But in my head, it has been quite a ride. I’ve seriously considered the possibility that I’ve developed Bi-Polar disorder (not that I would ever bother to get it checked out–no need to be given a bunch of mind-altering pills that I’ll never take). I’ve been up and down and constantly convinced that everyone’s got some sort of ulterior motive even though they clearly don’t. On top of that, my tolerance has shot down quite a bit. I’ve spent the past week doing nothing but yelling at my sister. And I mean, full force want-to-smack-that-kid yelling. I’ve just been so….angry. This whole year. Not PMS angry, either. I’ve actually gone a couple weeks where I couldn’t talk to or hug anyone because I was so flipping angry I was afraid I’d really screw up (thank GOD my friends love me as much as they do).

But due to this whole mood issue, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about what it means to be happy, and how I could be happy again. For me, I guess I lean a lot toward the Yin-Yang idea. A lot about balance. And I guess right now I’m just very off balance. I’ve been going back and forth between caring too little about myself and caring way too much about myself. I’m either telling myself I don’t matter at all and that everyone around me is so much better, or I’m asking myself why I’m not being treated better because I just so deserve it.

Well, here it is. A moment of clarity.

1. I need to care a lot about everyone else.

2. I need to care a lot about myself.

3. I really don’t think happiness can be found as long as you’re searching for it. It just comes when you find the right mindset. Reaching for happiness is like trying to find the edge of the Universe. It will always be out of reach. But the nice thing about Happiness is that if we just let it happen, it can settle into you.

I think my biggest problem is that I’ve always been trying too hard to just be happy. There was no rhyme or reason for it, and now I’ve screwed up my head into a state of indecisiveness. To put it plainly, I was making myself happy purely out of spite to the world.
So, 2010 is a new year. Not only that, it’s a new DECADE. A new 10 years. A whole new period of everything. Fashions, music, art, technology. Everything. THIS year, I’m gonna made a New Year’s Resolution that will go on forever. Because more than happiness, what I want most is the ability to love everyone, including myself. Yes, I have things that irk me, but I want to be able to look beyond that. Getting angry with people doesn’t make anything better. That’s what gets people killed. That’s what starts wars. I want to bring meaning back to not only the holidays, but to every day I’m alive. For all I know, my bank account will always be in limbo, so why bother using the excuse? I almost never use that extra change that makes it nearly impossible to close my wallet so what’s the harm?

What it really comes down to (for me, at least) is that we are a part of something much greater than we will ever know. Everything we do is only a small part of the day, and an even small part of the human race. And the human race is really only a small part of a world we will never fully understand, which is only a small part of a solar system in a galaxy in a section of galaxies in the entire Universe, which we will never even be able to pretend we know everything about. So why should I separate myself from everything? So far, in all my experiences, the single one that was so beautiful to me I wanted to cry was when I was part of something much bigger than myself. I put in many hours practicing the music to Les Mis, but there’s no way I could have carried the show alone. There were many more musicians, and actors and singers and techies and other supports. It went forever. And sitting there as I played the performance while the actors were on stage all in front of an oversold house, the feeling was beyond magical.

So, yes. I’m going to whatever I can for others. Not because it makes me feel good (’cause it actually often makes me groan with great disdain as I check on my bank account), not because I think I’ll get into heaven if I do (puh-lease), not even because I think it’s the right thing to do (even though I do). It’s because I recognize that without the rest of the world, there wouldn’t be a me.

And, with all seriousness aside, I do have some crazy plans for the next year as well. After all, life just wouldn’t be as fun if I sat around being bored all the time.

——————————————————————————————–

I’ll leave you with this. A thought. From Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass. (And Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everyone!)

Thought

I desperately want to experience the sensation of discovering I can do something extraordinarily well.  Like if I could have made 100% on every one of my Quantitative Methods tests because I just retained everything I read in the book …  or if I could sit at a piano and play the way that Beethoven played … or if I could pick up a pen and write words down the way Ray Bradbury does … so poetic and precise.

I’m just not really “great” at anything … while I’m “slightly above average” with many things … I’m still lacking the master of a trade.  I’m lacking true talent.

Maybe I could become a master chess player or bake the world’s best brownies.  Maybe I’ll end up actually having what it takes to write the book I want to write.  Maybe I’ll discover that I have the hidden ability to hack into any network system out there.  Maybe there’s something in me that will put my name in the history books.  Or maybe I’ll paint the most controversial, indisputably perfect and cryptic painting ever hung in any museum.  Maybe I can write magical music or play the guitar as though I was born to play the guitar … or maybe I can become the most sought after chef in the world.

Talent … even the lack of it … motivates me.  It’s just that seeing people with real, true, natural, unmistakable talent makes me think the things I thought I did really well … really aren’t all that spectacular.

… be safe, be happy, thoughtful, sad, contemplative, quiet, noisy, grumpy, chatty, laugh, cry, run madly downhill, watch the sunset, listen to the rain.

Remember, forget.

Just be.

Isn’t the idea of a handmade christmas charming? All those pretty matching decorations, a cornucopia of baked goodies, delightful gifts lovingly crafted just for you?

Isn’t the reality of a handmade christmas fraught? When you never even think about decorations till the 23rd, when it’s too hot to put the oven on, when you want to get people something they’d like and what they’d really like is a DVD boxed set?

It has to be about best endeavours, I think.  And you can always buy yourself something lovely and handmade.

My best endeavours this year included the long-suffering beanie, and a tea-towel and pot-mit for my mum, (which I forgot to photograph) made from this ink + spindle fabric.

I also managed some gingerbread men for my team at work.

Observe the handiwork of the icing – almost as bad as my handwriting.

And I finally got around to making reusable gift bags to replace wrapping paper. I first thought of this idea about 10 years ago. Really.

And I even made the gift tags this year too.

I reckon I deserve a nice handmade little something or two. Hello Etsy!

]]> http://petrajw.wordpress.com/2009/12/25/doctor-who-xmas-special-end-of-time-pt-1/ Fri, 25 Dec 2009 19:48:42 +0000 petrajw http://petrajw.wordpress.com/2009/12/25/doctor-who-xmas-special-end-of-time-pt-1/

WTF? Seriously….WTF? Besides the amount of lvve I have for Bernard and Donna (and is it sad I’m more concerned about Donna’s fate than the human raceeriously…the whole montage with the “master” race just made me laugh…but I’m actually scared for Donna….she’s the best companion and one of he best people on this show! Screw the human race, save Donna!) but that was the most random thing I’ve seen. Like, very disjointed and…..you know, all these specials have felt that way. They’ve felt rushed, and out of place….this is definitely a show which needs a season’s worth of build-up, laughs and shadowy overtones of DOOM.

AND RTD really needs to stop writing episodes! Let him create shows, but stop writing them! CANNOT WAIT FOR MOFFAT TO TAKE OVER!!!!!!!

Had a great christmas eve. Met a few friends for dinner at Sushi Teh, and adjoined to another friends house for drinks and games.

I so totally rock at pictionary lol. And we had such great fun drinking 8 bottles of wine.

I like friendship with no strings attached. Sometimes, I just feel the people around me are just so… boring. It is great to hang out with other people with a different perspective on life and more general knowledge.

All in all, it was a great night. Cheerios

And Zouk was totally awesome on Wednesday due to the company.

I walked past a store today and it was blasting this song and I am so enamoured with it, I’m going to share the YouTube video with you all right now.

Today is also the day I realised how effing amazing it is to walk around a hypermart selling nothing but gadgets and more gadgets. It was a geeky-wonderland. It has mini chrome fans and vacuum cleaners and laptop coolers which operate solely using the power from your notebook. There were mouses with more buttons than a TV remote control. Maybe one of the buttons can be used to summon pizza or beer while you’re glued to your computer screen.

Anyway, I felt giddy walking among so many techie stuff, I thought I’d hyperventilate if I didn’t drag them into a shopping cart and run to the cashier soon enough. But I resisted the temptation of consumerism. Okay, so I caved after half an hour and bought a new tee for my baby aka the iPhone. Hey, it was crying for a new colour. Somehow green didn’t bring out its eyes.

In other news, I’m off for a short weekend getaway in a few hours’ time and I have yet packed. Oh, I highly recommend you to check out my first post on this blog around a year ago. Just to see how far I’ve come and what a genius I am. Only joking obviously. It’s Christmas after all, and it wouldn’t hurt you to be nice and agree with me, would it?

Have a good holiday opening presents and going on a [alcoholic] liquid diet before the weekend is over. Go on, listen to the song again. You know you want to.

land slowly on paper…

1. Inner Voice, or Analysis?

I wonder what’s better: to think, analyze, hypothesize? Or to be aware of the heart’s desire in the present moment, and follow it, wherever it may lead?

The easy answer is to say… somewhere in the middle. I am not sure, however, if that is the right answer. Life begins to tease by fleeting moments of insight, and I have never found them somewhere in the middle. They’re somewhere at the depth of truth, on a path that is aligned with the inner voice.

But then, do I need to wonder about what Buddha called The Middle Path? Perhaps, the wise man meant balance. Even while following our inner voice, it is important to have perspective, balance. Life is simple. Realizing that it is so, perhaps not. What do you think?

2. The place of feelings… Illusion, or Reality?

You may feel that it is night, even though it might be mid-day. You may feel it is bad, even though it might not be. I often think of feelings like names for facts; they’re not facts themselves. Sometimes, they may be different from facts. Because what is, simply is. Independent of a label.

I was thinking of feelings like bubbles. Each moment, each experience, our brain lets out a bubble. Perhaps it would be wise to leave the bubble where it originated, rather than feeling the weight of something long after the reality ceased to exist. Perhaps, staying hungry and staying foolish is indeed fun, like Mr. Jobs said.

Aku melihat novel ini sedang teronggok di antara tumpukkan buku diskonan di Gramedia Grand Indonesia hari Senin kemarin. Awalnya hanya sebuah keisengan ingin mencari satu buku lagi menemani sebuah buku incaran yang sudah tergenggam di tangan, namun ketika aku baca resensi di belakang novel ini tak ragu lagi langsung aku memutuskan membelinya serta.

Novel apa sih itu?

Judulnya adalah Veronika Memutuskan Mati, ditulis oleh pengarang kenamaan Paulo Coelho yang dikenal dengan buku-buku laris semacam The Alchemist. Novel ini mengisahkan Veronika, seorang perempuan muda Slovenia yang belum genap seperempat abad tapi mencoba bunuh diri dengan minum pil tidur. Alasannya untuk mengakhiri hidupnya bukan karena dia depresi dan putus asa karena lelah menjalani hidup yang berat penuh penderitaan, bukan itu. Malah dia mempunyai hidup yang normal, punya pekerjaan yang aman sebagai pustakawati di sebuah biara, keluarga yang menyayanginya, pacar, dan menjalani kehidupan normal seperti yang lainnya.

Tapi mengapa ia ingin mati? Karena rutinias sehari-hari itu membuat tubuhnya bekerja secara otomatis, mengulangi hal yang sama, seperti bangun di pagi hari lalu berangkat bekerja, makan siang di bangku taman yang sama, pulang di sore hari dan menunjungi bar yang sama, pergi ke apartemen pacarnya dan baru pulang ke apartemennya sendiri. Semuanya berulang terus setiap harinya. Sampai tubuhnya mengingat semuanya dan melakukan tanpa perlu diminta, tapi rutinitas itu membuat jiwanya kosong dan hampa. Karena dia merasa hidupnya akan begitu-begitu saja lebih baik diakhiri secepatnya, toh nanti dia akan mati juga.

Setelah ia menenggak sejumlah pil tidur, bukan ke surga neraka (beneran tertulis di sana ) ia dibawa, tapi justru ICU rumah sakitlah yang menyambutnya. Ia pun terselamatkan, namun kemudian dijebloskan ke rumah sakit jiwa Villete. Villete adalah unit pengobatan yang dibiayai oleh pemerintah untuk perawatan orang yang (dikatakan/mengatakan) mengalami gangguan kejiwaan.

Veronika yang dikatakan gila karena mencoba bunuh diri harus mengabiskan sisa hidup di sana, karena tak lama kemudian ia diberi tahu dokter bahwa mengalami kerusakan jantung akibat obat yang ia telan. Alhasil kini ia harus menunggu mati, dan itu rasanya jauh lebih menakutkan daripada memutuskan akan mati. Veronika ingin membunuh dirinya sendiri dengan mencari obat lagi, tapi niat itu tak pernah kesampaian. Agaknya aku mengerti, menunggu kematian berarti kau kehilangan kendali atas takdirmu. Sedangkan bunuh diri artinya kau yang memutuskan takdirmu, meskipun sesungguhnya kehidupan dan kematian berada di luar kuasa manusia.

Kisah selama Veronika menunggu ajalnya inilah yang menurutku sungguh menarik. Kita dibawa ke dalam perjalanan Veronika mencari jiwa yang sesungguhnya yang selama ini tertimbun dalam jiwa orang dewasa yang membosankan karena menjalani ritme kehidupan yang sama. Pencarian jati dirinya yang tenggelam dalam harapan orang tua atas masa depan yang mereka anggap normal dan bisa menghidupi.

Pencarian ini tidak terlepas dari lingkungan yang dipenuhi orang-orang gila di rumah sakit itu. Namun selama tinggal di sana ia melihat mereka tidak gila, mereka sungguh waras. Dan di sini, sering kali pikiran pembaca ditantang oleh pertanyaan..

apakah itu yang disebut gila?

apakah itu normal?

sebenarnya siapakah yang gila dan siapakah yang normal?

Dan aku selama mengikuti jalan cerita novel ini, ikut bergelut dalam pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu. Sampai akhirnya menangkap sebuah kesimpulan, normal adalah sebuah konsensus dalam masyarakat di mana semuanya menyepakati sebuah nilai yang sama. Orang normal adalah orang yang berlaku seperti orang pada umumnya, sedangkan orang aneh (atau dalam hal ini disebut orang gila) adalah orang yang memiliki kelakuan berbeda dari konsensus umum.

Ada sebuah kisah menarik yang diceritakan oleh Zedka, salah satu tokoh dalam cerita ini…

Suatu ketika ada seorang penyihir yang ingin menghancurkan seluruh kerajaan dengan membuat seluruh penduduk menjadi gila, ia pun memasukkan racun ke sebuah sumur yang digunakan oleh semua orang. Setelah berapa lama, semua penduduk berlaku aneh tidak biasanya, kecuali raja dan keluarganya yang ternyata minum dari sumur yang lain. Raja pun bingung karena semua orang bersikap aneh dan mencoba mengaturnya dengan mengeluarkan peraturan-peraturan baru. Namun justru raja dianggap gila karena membuat peraturan yang tidak masuk akal. Raja pun dianggap tidak pantas lagi berkuasa karena sudah gila! Merasa putus asa, raja pun berniat turun tahta namun ratu mencegahnya dan mengusulkan bagaimana kalau mereka minum dari sumur gila saja. Dan raja beserta keluarga pun akhirnya diterima kembali oleh rakyat karena sudah waras kembali, seperti mereka semua .

Dan memang demikian adanya, orang-orang gila adalah individu yang memiliki kehidupan yang berbeda dari orang normal. Ia adalah orang yang hidup di dunia yang berbeda, memiliki pikiran yang berbeda, impian yang berbeda, dari orang kebanyakan. Makanya disebut juga perilaku yang menyimpang. Tapi apakah orang itu memang gila dan bagaimana jika sebenarnya orang normal itulah yang gila?

Dan pertanyaan itu kembali timbul.. “Gila itu apa?”

Tapi ada sekelumit makna dari sebuah dialog di novel ini, yang kira-kira intisarinya seperti ini…

Setiap orang yang hidup di dunianya sendiri termasuk gila, yaitu mereka penderita skizofrenia yang membangun dunia baru di kepalanya dan para ilmuan jenius semacam Einstein yang mempunyai pemikiran berbeda dari orang kebanyakan di masanya. Penderita skizofrenia dikatakan gila, tapi Einstein dikatakan jenius.

Lalu apa bedanya antara orang-orang gila yang terkurung di rumah sakit jiwa dengan ilmuan pencetus teori-teori hebat, padahal mereka sama-sama punya pikiran yang bebas lepas tak terbelenggu.

Bedanya adalah orang gila adalah individu yang memiliki dunianya sendiri tapi terbelenggu di dalamnya, dan tidak bisa mengkomunikasikannya dengan dunia luar sehingga tidak ada yang bisa mengerti dan menerima bahwa ia memang sedikit berbeda. Semacam kalau kita berbicara dengan bahasa asing yang tidak dimengerti, atau menulis dengan metafora yang sulit dipahami. Toh itu semua ujung-ujungnya ke masalah persepsi bukan?

Sedangkan mereka yang mempunyai pikiran yang berbeda dari orang kebanyakan dan bisa mengkomunikasikannya sehingga orang lain bisa mengerti dan menerimanya, akan disebut sebagai seorang visioner, cerdas, jenius, karena ia memikirkan apa yang tidak terpikirkan oleh orang kebanyakan. Dan mereka masih ingin menjalin hubungan dengan dunia luar, tidak tenggelam dan tidak terjebak selamanya di dalam dunia maya yang diciptakan oleh pikirannya.

Tapi rasanya setiap manusia memang gila . Jika definisi gila adalah “berbeda”. Toh setiap individu sesungguhnya berbeda, tapi terkadang takut menunjukkan dirinya berbeda. Setiap orang mempunyai lipatan otak yang berlainan, membuat isi pikiran dua kembar siam pun mustahil sama persis. Tapi karena takut akan penolakan, kita menyamakan diri satu sama lain. Dan akhirnya kau mengaburkan dirimu dalam kumpulan masyarakat yang berpandangan sama.

Satu hal yang membuatku berfikir lagi adalah alasan Veronika bunuh diri (hanya) karena jenuh dengan hidupnya, menurut temanku sungguh mengada-ngada, tapi terkadang kejenuhan itu membuat jiwa ini hampa, tapi sungguh aku tak berniat bunuh diri beneran .

Maksudku, ketika hari demi hari terlewati begitu saja dan akhirnya berganti tahun, tapi kau tidak merasakannya. Semuanya berjalan otomatis dan normal, lahir, sekolah, kuliah, kerja, menikah, punya keturunan, dan mati. Begitu bukan jalurnya? Okehlah, dalam waktu yang lebih sempit: bangun tidur, kerja, pulang, tidur. Menjalani hidup tanpa esensi hanya rutinitas semata, dan itu membuat jiwamu mati. Itulah yang disebut sebagai kegetiran di dalam novel ini, ditandai dengan bersikap normal miskin ekspresi karena menghindari konflik, membangun tembok tinggi yang melindungi diri dari dunia luar, hidup dalam zona nyaman yang lama-kelamaan memunculkan sikap acuh-tak acuh, memunculkan rasa kebas terhadap ketidakberesan yang terjadi pada dunia dan dirinya sendiri dan menerima semuanya dengan lapang dada. Kita pun merasa waktu berlalu dengan cepat setiap minggu dan suka cita ketika hari sabtu tiba, namun ketika diakhir pekan kita mengeluh bosan, suntuk, dan bete. Tapi anehnya ketika akhir pekan berakhir kita pun sedih, padahal sama sekali tidak menikmatinya. Itulah namanya kegetiran…

Kegetiran karena tak tahu untuk apa kau hidup, dan mungkin saja tidak tahu bagaimana rasanya hidup. Mungkin karena tidak tahu apa yang diinginkan dalam hidup sehingga tidak menjalani hidup yang benar-benar hidup sesuai dengan jiwamu. Seperti halnya manusia yang hidup demi membahagiakan orang lain, menurut apa kata orang yang sudah lebih lama menjalani hidup sehingga agaknya mereka lebih tahu apa yang terbaik untuk hidup kita. Tanpa pernah bertanya pada diri sendiri, apa yang sebenarnya yang ingin dilakukan dalam kehidupanmu sendiri. Atau terlalu lama terbelenggu dalam hidup normal..

Ketika dunia yang kaulihat terasa membosankan seperti film hitam-putih, dan kau perlu menghadirkan warna lain. Warna itu bisa dirasakan dengan melakukan hal yang gila mungkin. Hal yang keluar dari rutinitas dan dianggap aneh, tapi kau menikmatinya . Tindakan yang melanggar zona nyamanmu sendiri, menempatkanmu pada posisi tidak aman. Itu memacu adrenalin yang membuat jantung berdetak cepat dan membangkitkan ritme metabolisme tubuh, dan seketika kau bersemangat, dan merasa hidup pada akhirnya.

Well, pada akhirnya novel ini menamparku untuk tetap merasa(kan) hidup, dengan segala naik turun dan jungkir baliknya. Rasakan semuanya, syukuri semuanya dengan menjaga apa yang masih ada sambil merengkuh mimpi di atas sana. Tanpa terlalu ambil pusing jika dianggap gila, tanpa perlu takut menunjukkan bahwa setiap manusia memang sesungguhnya berbeda.

Get a life \m/

May the world be filled with peace and love and joy.

On the last day that I rode the bus in to work before the Christmas break, the mist lay along the river valleys and the bare winter tree branches filigreed the grey sky.  My heart caught and I breathed thanks for the beauty all around me.

I remembered a time when I didn’t really notice the natural world around me.  When I was a child and adolescent I was too wrapped up in survival to take much notice outside of my tight little sphere, plus I was living in suburban Los Angeles.  Yet as I got older and started to go camping and out into nature, I fell in love with and found my spirituality and my deepest self in the natural environment.  I did notice and celebrate the seasons, subtle as they were in Southern California.

The point I’m rambling up to is that if we aren’t grateful right where we are and with what we have, then we won’t be when we get the things we think we want or to where we think we want to be.  Just over two years ago, I had left Devon and moved back to the US in a mis-guided attempt to find home and a sense of family.  After a few weeks I realised the futility of my quest and that I felt more ‘me’ in England.  So I returned and spent the better part of the year finding home inside and learning to appreciate my life now, not when or if.  I did have a pretty clear idea of my ideal life and instead of feeling the lack and chasing after it, I decided to be still and make a tiny change in my life every day to expand it and contain what I wanted more of.  I settled into my life in a way that made sense and fit in with who I am.  I gave up the search for where I belong, but shaped the world around me, my world, to belong to me.  It was a big relief and it works!  PS it’s nice for the people around me too.

One of the paradoxes about gratitude is that when one becomes grateful, one isn’t stuck with or settling for their lot.  What happens is that when you feel gratitude for all the good that you have in your life, without even making any efforts you are throwing open wide the doors to bring even more abundance of good things into your life.

I like this quote which seems to be about being grateful always.

“Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.”
- Satchel Paige