"Help! She fell asleep during the second hour!"

Most of the fun in watching with Dances with Wolves is using the scenes where nothing is happening (most of the film) to think of Indian names for all your friends.  The alternative is to watch Kevin Costner blunder his way through another 3+ hour movie that moves with all the alacrity of an empty tortoise shell glued to an empty snail shell.  Speaking of which, next time you criticize a turtle or snail for being slow, you see how fast you move while carrying your house, or even just box of books, around with you, He-Man.

In Dances with the Wolves, a sequence of poorly explained and homelessly justified events leads Kevin Costner to end up in the middle of the prairie in the middle of the Civil War.  There, he meets a batch of Native Americans that are like, totally cool, and way better than any white person ever.  That’s the first hour and a half of the movie.  The second half of the movie I don’t want to spoil for you.  Also, I didn’t watch most of it.

Aside from Kevin Costner being his usual Kevin Costner-y self (a plank of wood), the movie’s nothing but glamorizing Native Americans, demonizing Whitey, and some pets with more personality than anyone in the movie.  There is literally nothing here that you haven’t seen a million times before, except some photography that makes the Great Plains look way more exciting than they actually are.

Rating: Musty

Did I fast forward: Yes, and my only regret is not fast forwarding more.

Trains as far as the eye can see.

According to 501 Must-See Movies, The General is Buster Keaton’s finest work.  Having not seen any other Buster Keaton movies, and only having a vague idea of who he is based on Roger Ebert comparing him to Jackie Chan, I cannot really say if that is the case.  I can, however, say two things:

1. Dude likes his trains.

2. I’d rather watch The Medallion than watch any more Buster Keaton movies.

I’m sure that, for the 20’s, this movie was hilarious.  However comedy doesn’t transfer across generations very well, so we’re left with a bunch of people making silly exaggerated faces while riding on trains.  There is a lot of train riding in this movie.  It’s like 80% trains, and 20% Confederate Army propaganda. 

See, Buster wants to join the Rebels, but can’t because he has to drive a train.  He has to save the day and the girl when some Yankees steal his train.  This primarily involves throwing things on the track to slow down one train or another for an agonizingly long period of time.  Buster’s known for a brand of physical comedy not unlike Jackie Chan’s, but there’s very little of that in this movie.  But Sweet Moses, there’s a lot of trains.

Rating: Musty

Did I fast forward: Only through the train parts.

Oh, you're right, I'm not sure where I left the car keys. OH GOD I'M INSANE!

Gaslight is essentially the same movie as Rosemary’s Baby, but with less Satanic children.  Here, Ingrid Bergman married badly, as her new husband tries to convince her she is insane.  We know this because around 100 minutes of the 113 minute runtime is spent with the husband manipulating her with such clever ruses as giving her a brooch, taking it back, and being all, “Ooooo, where did it go?  You must be INSANE!!!”  He is assisted in his efforts by Ingrid Bergman having the intellectual capacity of a two year old, and Angela Lansbury.  This is all done for some overly-complicated reason that is revealed in the last three minutes of the movie.

Seriously, if a few games of peek-a-boo and some parlor tricks is all it takes to keep Ingrid Bergman locked in your attic for months at a time, well, frankly, I’m kind of sad I missed the 40’s.  The plot pretty much relies on men running women’s lives to such a degree that they need to compose a note and leave it under their husband’s separate bedroom door in order to get permission to take a crap.  She got an Oscar for this, which is weird, given how misogynistic the 40’s were.  You’d think “women be crazy” wouldn’t garner much notice from the Academy. 

Rating: Musty

Did I fast forward: Only for the 18^th scene of her slowly being driven insane, this time by a letter that she read OR DID SHE?  (She did.)

I did not see this part.

Audition is a supposedly scary Japanese movie about some guy who meets some girl and she turns out to be crazy or something.  If that sounds vague, it’s because I started fast forwarding about 40 minutes in, so I’m not clear what, if anything, happens.  Up to that point, the movie had largely been about Japanese men smoking and eating dinner.  My best guess is that this dude’s wife dies, and he’s never heard of the Internet, so to get a date he has his friend set up auditions for hot young ladies so he can make one his wife.

Okay, I guess that’s a little creepy.

I gave up watching the movie after the second or third awkward date interview between the dude and his prospective wife.  While I fast forwarded through the rest, I think I might have seen a creepy thing or two, but I didn’t stop. I was too creeped out by the thought of my brain cells silently dying of boredom.  Oh God!  I can’t remember 2^nd grade!

Rating: Musty

Did I fast forward: God yes.

Don’t let mould stand in your way!

Your REALTOR® can recognize external signs of a damp basement and must disclose any information they are privy to regarding defects, though the best and safest step is to hire a reputable home inspector. Having said all that, it is a good idea for you to know what to look for as well.

The 5 S’s for Signs of a Soggy Basement:

Storage

• Are the bottoms of boxes damp/damaged?
• Have items been stored up off the floor?

Stink

• Is there a musty smell?

Stains

• Closely examine the walls for signs of water stains, peeling paint, mould, mildew and efflorescence (a white precipitate remaining on the cement after evaporation)
• You may need to look at the flooring and the ceiling as well

Signs of water leakage

• Water causes rust to form on nails, electrical outlet boxes and other metal objects in contact with the floor/walls, i.e. appliances or metal shelving
• Sills

• Have a look around the window wells, inside and out, for water stains and water damage

Causes and remedies vary, but in general it is best to ensure that all land slopes away from the house, and that a proper eaves system is in place to expel rainwater a minimum of 6 feet away from the house. Your REALTOR® should find out about any problems you are concerned about, and should always advise you to get a complete home inspection. In my opinion, the information on a Seller’s SPIS (Seller Property Information Statement) should always be verified as well.

For more information, please do not hesitate to contact me!

Tiffany McGregor: Educator/REALTOR®

Email me! – tiffismyrealtor@gmail.com

Check out my website! – tiffismyrealtor.com (website currently under construction)

Become a fan of my facebook page! – see blogroll to the right

Begin with ventilating the basement by opening up windows and doors to create air movement. Placing a dehumidifier in your basement will help reduce the moisture levels in the air.

If ventilation does not remove odors:

1. Mop concrete floor and walls with a bleach solution (3/4 cups of household bleach to a gallon of water).
2. Rinse and dry after 5 minutes.
3. Open windows when applying the bleach solution.

Place a lump of dry charcoal in an open tin/metal container to absorb odors.

These simple steps can help reduce moisture levels and slow the process of mold & mildew growth.

This is a story of something that happened to me when I was in 4th grade. I was recently reminded of this repressed memory, so I thought I would share it with whoever the hell is reading this disgusting blog; I’m sure you will enjoy.

I want to paint a picture for you. The year was 1998, I think. I was invited to a fellow pupil’s birthday party at Tee Time ( Assuming the role of the entertaining funny chubby kid – I have been fat since birth ). If you are not familiar with the venue, it has miniature golf, go carts, batting cages, and the like. I was coming from a soccer game, so excited about the event that I was still sporting my uniform. Miniature golf!

In my little 4th grade brain, it hadn’t occurred to me that I was guzzling bottles of water at the game, seeing as though I was grossly out of shape and frighteningly sweaty ( Remember, fat since birth ). Halfway through my game of putt-putt, I felt the overwhelming urge to urinate.

*I would like to preface the rest of the story with a few comments. I was young and naive, and looking back, none of what follows makes any logical sense. I was a victim of careless chaperones and my own inability to make rational decisions in times that call for them*

Approaching the 7th hole, I asked the birthday boy’s dad where the bathroom was. He simply replied, “There are no bathrooms here.” Hmm. “Can we ask someone, I really have to go.” “Just hurry up and finish your game of golf, we are heading back to the house for cake in a little bit.” Even as a young’n I knew I was in serious trouble. I tried to hurry through my game, but when I got to the 11th hole, all hell broke loose.

I blame the damn elephant. This stupid plastic elephant that spun in circles and sprayed water joyously from it’s trunk. It’s smile said pure bliss, and with every rotation the spraying water taunted me. It came on slow at first. A few drips, a dark spot slowly spreading on the crotch of my blue Umbro shorts. No damage done. But we all know, once that seal is broken, there is no turning back. The dam broke, sending a warm jet of piss dripping off the bottom of my shorts and down my leg. I couldn’t even stop it. In fact, it felt so good finally peeing that I just kinda squatted there like a girl dog relieving itself in the front yard. Once my stream subsided, the initial liberation was replaced with total panic.

My friends were quickly approaching. Since I was trying to hurry through my game, I was ahead of them when my water broke. I knew if my friends saw me with pee all down the front of me, I would never let it down. Being the novel fat funny kid was hard enough work to begin with. In a quick act of desperation I darted towards the spinning elephant and stood in the path of the spraying water. The elephant doused me with water just as my friends walked up. I stood there for several rotations and let the elephant really coat me down. My friends all erupted in laughter, humiliation and identity crisis averted.

Or so I thought.

I finished my game of golf, and enjoyed some go-cart action. As we all piled in the van, the birthday boy’s mom corralled a few of us to ride with her in her car to the house for cake. I had long since dried off and forgotten that I had pissed all over myself, so I jumped right in the front seat. I didn’t realize that all the other boys piled in the van, and I was left to ride with the birthday mom alone. Once safely buckled up in the car, we set off on one of the longest and most excruciatingly awkward car rides i have ever had the misfortune of experiencing.

I think I noticed the smell first. It filled the car and stung my nostrils. The musty salty stench of dried urine. I tried to play dumb, and just looked out the window. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the mom contorting her face, her eyes discretely dart in my direction as she cracked the window. She had to know, but neither of us said a word. I just sat there with a thick layer of filth, shame, and disgust all down the front of me. This is something that I haven’t been able to shake from my memory, and every time I reminisce I feel that familiar pang in my stomach of humilation, even after a decade of other way more disgusting and self-depriciating tribulations. But those lacking self-respect seem to tell the best stories, so I’ll keep em’ coming.

Does your laundry still smell bad or stink after washing? If you or a family member is an athlete you most likely have encountered this complaint. It is particularly true for garments with care labels stating to wash in cold water with fragrance free detergent and no bleach. Without fragrances in the detergent, the perspiration smells are not masked. To resolve this smelly problem, add 1/3 to 1 cup of 3% hydrogen peroxide to the bleach dispenser in your washer. [Be sure to test your fabrics first.] For HE washers, use amounts on the lower end of the range. For top loading washers, use amounts on the higher end of the range. Experiment to find the optimal amount for your washer and load sizes. The dry laundry should have no smell. You know you need to use more when the laundry still stinks. You know you have used too much peroxide when the laundry smells, but the smell is a pleasant smell. Do not use bleach also.

If all your laundry stinks after washing (meaning not just the athletic clothing loads), try treating your washer with vinegar. Do this by placing 1 gallon of white vinegar in the washer (no detergent or other additives) and run the washer on its hottest cycle. Make a habit of leaving the lid or washer door open for air circulation in the future.

A laundry cleaning challenge I have not conquered is completely removing red clay stains. Do you know the secret (that you have tried AND personally verified works)?

A litle etymology now and then is good for the soul.  I have a certain fascination for the origin and usage of words.  Absolutely!

So it would seem, according to something I just read on the CNN web page, that we are absolutely using absolutely absolutely too much and too often.

Absolutely!

Ok, so I decided to look into the origins of absolutely here:

Etymology Dictionary

It seems that we have strayed from the origins of the word.  Originally it seems that absolute was more in the nature of separate or pure like “absolute zero.”  Something that was uncommon and set apart and unlike anything else in nature.  Like absolute vacuum.   We mostly mean something like certainty.   Like, “I will certainly do that”, “I will absolutely do that.”

Apparently, when none of us knows for sure if we will have a job tomorrow, we want to sound like we are sure about something…

KeyWords

Losing Weight

Cyber Rainbows and Digital Dreams

A constellation of idiots in a galaxy of fools

Time to break out the Thesaurs for my tags and such.  Absolutely!

We’ve all been there. You’re treading the faded sixties psychedelic carpet, breathing in the musty book-air and sitting on ex-hospital ward chairs at the local library, looking for something obscure and useful. Then, without warning, you find something like this:

Oh for those halyconic days before political-correctness!

Awful Library Books is a collection of, well, awful books – from libraries.

My god, the sixties, seventies and eighties have a lot to answer for… and that’s just the cover photography.

Hair are your aerials to the cosmos. Man.

GZS

Out into the sharpest of
My latley afternoons -
In this clarity,
northern musty aspirations
Reveal stark granite faces,
Holding the blizzard in their teeth -
And I can imagine the terrible
Things that are inherant
Of these terrace towns.

– Post From My iPhone

I was asked to write a devotional for our church’s women’s group newsletter, and I wanted to share it here with you all.  I’m kinda proud of myself for writing something that was less than 1,000 words!  I posted this last month, but decided that I would post it again.  It’s entitled “Time to Clean Out the Closet.”

Ah, springtime… I love spring!  The signs of new life are all around us, in the trees and the flowers and bushes.  Even the birds sound happier!  It’s just a wonderful time of year.

Spring also gets my thoughts going about “spring cleaning.”  I’m sure everyone knows about this specific time in the life of a house, where the “woman of the house” sets her sights on getting rid of dust, dirt and clutter.  She makes a list of all the chores that need to be accomplished, in order to breathe new life into her dwelling place.  It’s a way of bringing into the house the life that is bursting forth outside in nature.

One of the biggest chores is the cleaning out of closets.

The closet.  It is well-known as the notorious “hider” of things; people place things in their closets that they soon forget even exist.  And then, when spring comes, the closet door is thrown wide open, and the rummaging begins.  however, it’s a productive sort of rummaging, as things are discovered and sorted, and either tossed or set aside to be placed in better order.

As I was thinking about this, the thought occurred to me that maybe more than just physical closets need to be cleaned out.  We all have a spiritual “closet” that also needs cleaning out from time to time.  There are things hidden there, and the funny thing is we try to even hide them from the Father, Who knows all things.  But there’s no way to hide them, and besides, all they do is collect dust, which eventually causes things to smell musty and old.

What’s in your spiritual closet?  Are there thoughts of pride?  Are there doubts and fears?  Are there resentments, wounds, feelings of bitterness?  All of these things that maybe you thought you had already dealt with, but in reality, all you did was stuff ‘em in the closet?

Well, it’s time to rummage through the closet, get those things out into the light, and put them where they belong.

While you’re in “spring cleaning mode,” have you thought about your prayer closet?  Do you have prayer needs that you’re not spending time on?  Do you have a list that’s “a mile long,” because you’ve not been dealing with issues that God has placed on your heart?  Do you need to spend time cleaning out your prayer closet?

Don’t feel bad.  We all have closets that need cleaning out.  We all need to be focusing on the hidden areas of our “houses.”  So grab the trash bags, and the vacuum, and the duster, and swing the door wide open.  No matter what you find in there, God can help you deal with it all, and get the closet in better shape.  And then you’ll feel better about your whole house.

Time to enjoy spring!

I know I’ve been sharing my”journey with God’ and we’re up to Part Two, but I was asked to write a devotional for our church’s women’s group newsletter, and I wanted to share it here with you all.  It’s entitled “Time to Clean Out the Closet.”

Ah, springtime… I love spring!  The signs of new life are all around us, in the trees and the flowers and bushes.  Even the birds sound happier!  It’s just a wonderful time of year.

Spring also gets my thoughts going about “spring cleaning.”  I’m sure everyone knows about this specific time in the life of a house, where the “woman of the house” sets her sights on getting rid of dust, dirt and clutter.  She makes a list of all the chores that need to be accomplished, in order to breathe new life into her dwelling place.  It’s a way of bringing into the house the life that is bursting forth outside in nature.

One of the biggest chores is the cleaning out of closets.

The closet.  It is well-known as the notorious “hider” of things; people place things in their closets that they soon forget even exist.  And then, when spring comes, the closet door is thrown wide open, and the rummaging begins.  however, it’s a productive sort of rummaging, as things are discovered and sorted, and either tossed or set aside to be placed in better order.

As I was thinking about this, the thought occurred to me that maybe more than just physical closets need to be cleaned out.  We all have a spiritual “closet” that also needs cleaning out from time to time.  There are things hidden there, and the funny thing is we try to even hide them from the Father, Who knows all things.  But there’s no way to hide them, and besides, all they do is collect dust, which eventually causes things to smell musty and old.

What’s in your spiritual closet?  Are there thoughts of pride?  Are there doubts and fears?  Are there resentments, wounds, feelings of bitterness?  All of these things that maybe you thought you had already dealt with, but in reality, all you did was stuff ‘em in the closet?

Well, it’s time to rummage through the closet, get those things out into the light, and put them where they belong.

While you’re in “spring cleaning mode,” have you thought about your prayer closet?  Do you have prayer needs that you’re not spending time on?  Do you have a list that’s “a mile long,” because you’ve not been dealing with issues that God has placed on your heart?  Do you need to spend time cleaning out your prayer closet?

Don’t feel bad.  We all have closets that need cleaning out.  We all need to be focusing on the hidden areas of our “houses.”  So grab the trash bags, and the vacuum, and the duster, and swing the door wide open.  No matter what you find in there, God can help you deal with it all, and get the closet in better shape.  And then you’ll feel better about your whole house.

Time to enjoy spring!

Next week we’ll continue the story, “A Journey With God…”

This photo was taken in the Chianti region in Italy. I doubt any of this wine is any good, but . . .

Hey, the winery was under construction anyway. These bottles have apparently been living in the stone hallway of the winery for a very long time. They are set back into the wall, and the folks who own the place do not plan on moving them even though they are building a brand new state of the art winery around them.

Yes, it’s a novelty – but it’s a fun one!

These puppies come in handy, you know.

     This may sound kind of weird, but I feel like I’ve got to air it out… much as one might air out his/her favorite kimono that’s acquired a musty smell from too much must.

     This guy I met a couple weeks ago called me up out of the blue and asked if he could have one of my kidneys. I told him I was very sorry to hear he needed a kidney transplant and he got really agitated at me.

     “Look, Dr. Know-It-All, don’t jump to conclusions when you don’t know crap about nothing. My kidneys are fine.”

     I politely asked him why he was requesting one of my kidneys then, if his were fine.

     “I’d like to have one in the bank,” he said, “just in case.” “So, are you going to be a pal, a stingy prick, or what?!”

     I told him I’d need a little time to think it through. I’m just not sure this is a good idea…

NoahSife.com has recently gotten hold of an interview Ne-Yo did for Big Boy’s backstage breakfast where he was talking kinda recklessly about a lot of things:

Damn, I guess Ne-Yo and Chris breezy are not that cool because you don’t put your boy out there like that. I mean dude could’ve just got done hooping or something. Cut him some slack. Come on Ne-Yo!

-NoahSife.com is the Best!

]]> http://oozygote.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/tomes-of-my-fathers/ Tue, 16 Sep 2008 04:00:00 +0000 feyoh http://oozygote.wordpress.com/2008/09/16/tomes-of-my-fathers/