Company Holiday Luncheon

Derek Lam Ruched stretch-jersey skirt

Alexander McQueen Draped cashmere-blend sweater

Falke Black 15 Denier tights

Jaime’s Gold Wide Woven Cuff Bangle

H&M Bootie

Christmas Day 

Must Watch on X-Mas Day

Happy Holidays

Brendan got me the Avett Brothers’ CD for Christmas. The one I’ve been longing for since it came out on September 29th.

I’m listening to it now in Mrs. Propp’s room, and I probably won’t stop listening to it until I know every beat, word, and tune to every song. This is my December and January music. A little melancholy and a little rockin’, a little vivid and a little sad. These boys really know how to sing to my heart, even if they don’t know me.

I know I’ve been really stressed and working (all the time) as of late. I remember when a melodic line of Avett would send that stress flying back where it came from.

I’m sitting here tense and headachy and sore and listening to the Avett Brothers. My heart’s still crying because I miss summer (still), but I understand now that it’s gone. And it will be back soon enough, and bring a new fresh vital wave of change. I should be enjoying the time here, the time now. Shouldn’t I?

I hope the Avetts will help me change. Help me to accept that it’s never going to be June, July, August 2009, ever again. Those are days I can’t get back, and I don’t want these to be bland and fraught with sadness: I can’t get back this December, either.

It’s so hard to live.

November 10, 1977 – December 20, 2009
“This is my temporary Home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passin’ through
This was just a stop,on the way To where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know this was
My temporary home.”

Carrie Underwood – Temporary Home

Two-Toned hair (via The Lipstick Diaries)

Jeffrey Campbell boots

Yuksek!!!! (peep his music)

Apollonia Kotero’s wardrobe in Purple Rain

Yellow Tail Wine

Bikram

Tacky vintage sweaters (preferably 80s)

Olivia Thirlby

Rodarte for Target

Japanese Street Fashion!

I’m fighting off sadness right now.  I just feel so frazzled.  The trials of the past month, especially the week before D got home and one particular place where I feel like I TOTALLY failed and missed His will, have taught me, but have also broken me (please forgive my rampant abuse of commas there).

I’m so tired of feeling like a failure when it comes to my house. People offered to do things for us during the worst of it, but I felt I couldn’t let them because my house is such a wreck.  Tonight, my favorite aunt & uncle were here to celebrate early Christmas and I was so embarrassed that my house wasn’t clean and neat and perfect like I wanted it.  Mind you, my standard of perfection in my house is probably vastly inferior to some, because I’m just happy when things are clean and a tolerable level of junked up.  No, we by NO means live in filth, but trying to keep up with basic laundry, dishes, homeschool, bathrooms, organization seems beyond me.  I HATE IT. I hate that I’m this old and still can’t keep house.  We’ve been married over a decade, I can’t seem to keep things from getting totally piled up.

Yes, I’ve heard of FlyLady. Yes, I would LOVE to do her system. 90% of my problem is failure to keep some semblance of a schedule.  Ugh. I make myself so frustrated.  I just feel like a failure.

I’m so good at other things.  Makes me uncomfortable to type that because it’s so prideful, but it’s true — I am good at some things.  Very good at a few things.  And I’m so very grateful for those gifts and talents. God definitely gave them to me, and I greatly appreciate them. I’m not ashamed of working in my giftings.

But trying to be transparent about this area of COMPLETE weakness — really, complete FAILURE — is hard. Like, swallowing rocks hard.  Probably because I’m pretty convinced that most of the women I know (ok, ALL the women I know) do not struggle in this manner. I’m also convinced of what they’re thinking when they do come to my house. And it’s embarrassing.  Now, let me be clear, I’m not foolish enough to believe that all the crap I think about what they’re thinking is true; I’m just saying it’s a mental tape of humiliation I’ve yet to break through.

Add to this housekeeping failure the stress of feeling TOTALLY BEHIND in homeschooling ALL THE TIME.

Also add to this a near constant fatigue — of my own doing. I love to stay up late at night (love, love, love) because selfishly, I get alone time (like right now; it’s 11:31pm). Then I’m exhausted the next morning.  When I was disciplined to take the kids on at least a small daily walk, it helped immeasurably.  Haven’t done that in a while, so my body and my mind are suffering.

I’m an idiot. I know what helps, but I won’t do it. I SO VERY MUCH appreciate Paul’s “I don’t do the things I want to do, and the things I wish I didn’t do are the things I am doing.”

Ugh.

I hate stuff that makes me hate myself.  I’m just tired of being a failure.  I’m tired of the gloomy failure feeling oozing over into anger that gets spilled on those I love the most (who bears the brunt of the frustration when I’m running around like a chicken trying to straighten when someone’s coming? oh yeah, the people I’m living with who just happen to be — not strangers or bystanders or renters or moochers, but my own precious children and my husband whom I absolutely adore).

I guess I’m pouring it all out here because, well, I don’t know where else to.  LORD, You help us in our weakness, but I can’t begin to understand why You’d want to help me clean up my mess. I don’t even know where to begin to ask You to help me or what kind of help I need to pray for. I just want to not suck at this anymore. I WANT to be the mom and wife and homeschooler and mentor and hostess and friend You have called me to be.

I want to succeed, LORD. In the things that matter most, and in making our home a beautiful sanctuary in atmosphere, I want to succeed.  Forgive me if that’s prideful or shameful to ask. I just want to be free.

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.” Isaiah 43:2

들릴 듯 들릴 듯 알 수 없는 너의 말
보일 듯 말 듯한 감춰진 너의 맘
어떻게 너를 마주볼 수가 없단 걸 (믿을 수가 없는걸)

더는 참지 못해 내 사랑이 이것밖에 못해
너를 잡지 못해 이젠 달라지길 원해
사랑한단 말을 원해 끝이 없이 되길 바래
떠난 나를 보면서 너도 한번(눈물 흘리기를 바래) 오!

왜 그런지 말을 해봐 Tell me why
어떻게 해야 넌 내 맘 Don’t know why 그만
그만 그만 이제 난 그만
잡힐 듯 잡히지 않는 너의 맘
혼자서만 애가 타는 나의 맘 떠나
떠나 떠나 난 너를 떠나

꽃은 피고 피고 또 지고 해는 뜨고 뜨고 또 지고
내 사랑도 점점 천천히 저 널 보면 나도 좀 뻔뻔해져
태연한 척 나를 달래 돌아서 반복되는 거짓말에
가슴이 아파도 아무리 버텨도 (견딜 수가 없는걸)

더는 참지 못해 (x3)

태연한 척 나를 달래 돌아서 반복되는 거짓말에
가슴이 아파도 아무리 버텨도 (x2)
Okay

Tell me why

*Translation*

Listening, listening, I don’t know your words
About to be seen, your hidden heart
How can I not look at you straight forward (I can’t believe it)
I can’t stand anymore, my love can’t do anything more
I can’t hold on to you, I wish to be different
Do you want the words “I love you”
I wish there was no end,
I wish that you would (show your tears)
While watching me leave oh!

Why do you feel that way, tell me why
What do I have to do for your heart to be mine?
Don’t know why stop
Stop, stop now I am going to stop
(Jun be okay)
Your heart that can be captured, but won’t
My heart that is yearning alone, I leave it
I leave, I leave, I leave you

Flowers bloom, bloom, and disappear,
The sun rises, rises, and sets
My love also slowly fades
When I see you I become arrogant
You make me feel better with fake nice expression
And behind me you continually lie to me
No matter how much my heart hurts and endures it
(I can’t stand it)

I can’t stand anymore, my love can’t do anything more
I can’t hold on to you, I wish to be different
Do you want the words “I love you”
I wish there was no end,
I wish that you would (show your tears0
While watching me leave oh!

Why do you feel that way, tell me why
What do I have to do for your heart to be mine?
Don’t know why stop
Stop, stop now I am going to stop
(Jun be okay)
Your heart that can be captured, but won’t
My heart that is yearning alone, I leave it
I leave, I leave, I leave you

I can’t hold it anymore (x3)

You make me feel better with fake nice expression
And behind me you continually lie to me
No matter how much my heart hurts and endures it (x2)

Okay

Why do you feel that way, tell me why
What do I have to do for your heart to be mine?
Don’t know why stop
Stop, stop now I am going to stop
(Jun be okay)
Your heart that can be captured, but won’t
My heart that is yearning alone, I leave it
I leave, I leave, I leave you

Okay

Tell me why

i haven’t slept all night. i’ve tossed and turned. i don’t know how the subject came up, but the words just came out. And it wasn’t something I had been thinking about for a while, it just came out.  I feel bad hurting him again, but  i know he was blind to this too. He needed to know, to get a heads up in that way the situation like before doesn’t happen again. I do it out of love and if he’s mad at me or doesn’t want to talk anymore, i am really blunt with what i’m feeling, i’m ok bccause i spoke what You wanted him to hear. I shouldn’t have done it in the setting i did and an remorseful for that. I should have approached him in a different matter.

I’m not sure where to go from here. Do i call and ask to talk, or do i wait. Lord i don’t want to go another day upset or not knowing where him and i stand. Please give me direction, please give me the words, the right heart, THE FOCUS TO BE ON YOU! ONLY YOU LORD!

This year is coming to a close, and I’ve noticed a trend that’s become paramount of my 2009.  Letdown.  In predominantly myself, but with academics and people in my life as well.  I had made the mistake of expecting more from all of the above and came away disappointed with the results of each.  I must be going about this idealist thing all wrong.

My mom told me this morning that she thinks I’m unhappy.  I told my mom that I’m happy, but the reason why she might have thought what she thought is because I know that I can be so much happier than this, and I’m just not there yet.  So sure, I guess she could say I’m unhappy.  Does that make sense?

Last night, a friend told me that I should be more ruthless.  I told him, yeah right! I’d never want to be ruthless!  I don’t think I could be even if I tried. But maybe it would be good for me.  Maybe it would make me feel stronger.  Because sometimes, everything in my life that I’m doing wrong and getting hurt by elevates to a point that I can’t breathe.  I feel myself involuntarily squeezing every muscle in my body, as if it’s willing me to shrink into nothing and disappear.

I’ve lost myself for seven years and I’m really so sick of it.  It’s such a shaky, awful place to be.

Let’s not go back to this junk, 2010.

Does my life even remotely please you? From the way it looks, someone who does locks themselves in a room for hours a day and memorize scripture. I am not that person. I wish i had the perseverance to do it! I wish i had the time. Life is so busy. Am i filling it with things of you instead of YOU? Is my focus where it should be?

It’s Thursday afternoon and my mother and I are in Salem Hospital at my father’s bedside.  Well, technically, I’m in the waiting area while the nurse is tending to his needs.  My father has a serious blood infection, made worse by his leukemia and inability to produce the white blood cells necessary to fight any infection.  It has affected his cognitive ability, speach, coordination, strength.  He’s still there and his silly sense of humor is returning, but it’s still difficult to see my hero, this man I remember as the giant of my life reduced to a child-like frailty.

Yet, I am so blessed.  How a family responds to crisis.  My goodness, such a contrast.  My brothers and I have come together as a force of strength and support for my mom as she devotes herself fully to caring for and loving her husband of 54 years.  That has been a tremendous honor and privilege, knowing the difficult years they endured, yet never giving up on one another nor their promise, and now to witness a lifetime of love in its finest hour. 

My father is tired.  He is the miracle boy – having lived nearly three years longer than any prognosis originally given – and every week, every extra hour has been a treasured gift.  But he knows his race is almost finished.  Lord, help him to finish well.  Give us strength and peace for what’s    to come.

Here are the nominees:

BEST MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
AVATAR
THE HURT LOCKER
INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS
PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE
UP IN THE AIR 

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
EMILY BLUNT THE YOUNG VICTORIA
SANDRA BULLOCK THE BLIND SIDE
HELEN MIRREN THE LAST STATION
CAREY MULLIGAN AN EDUCATION
GABOUREY SIDIBE PRECIOUS: BASED ON THE NOVEL PUSH BY SAPPHIRE

BEST PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A MOTION PICTURE – DRAMA
JEFF BRIDGES CRAZY HEART
GEORGE CLOONEY UP IN THE AIR
COLIN FIRTH A SINGLE MAN
MORGAN FREEMAN INVICTUS
TOBEY MAGUIRE BROTHERS

MY HEART SAYS

My heart beats only, only for you

Can you feel my love? It’s oh so true

It hurts to see you love someone else

My heart oh only for you it tells

Sorry, sorry, sometimes you tell me

Day by day your lies kill me deeply

Shawty, shawty, I hope you’re my star

Super girl, I know love can mar

My one love, this confession is true

Our blue tomorrow, will be me and you

I’m your wonderboy, your superman

My vanilla love, no one can ban

It’s you, I know, so, please don’t go

My senorita, my amigo

Love should go on, so, stand by me

Yes, I’m your bodyguard, one for me

Girl, I do love you like oxygen

Marry u, should I say it again?

Am I that easy? My heart breaker

I’m your man, even one year later

Juliette, may be because I’m stupid

But, forget me now, my heart will bleed

You’re my endless love, you are the one

“Only you,” can you say when I’m gone

My butterfly, what is your love’s way

What if we need a replay, replay

Oh happiness is our way for love

Hit me, my love for you is a dove

Shall I say, “Thank you,” for hurting me

Or should I sing a love song for thee

Bad girl, girls really don’t know love’s hurt

For this poem, I really gave an effort

-SUMMER LEE

-I am very sorry for some grammatical errors. Those can’t be corrected to follow the poem’s concept. Thank you very much!

That is a fairly profound statement, as it indicates that someone has to choose you or lose you. Strongly worded, simple, and to the point.

I am no one’s second choice.

Either take that chance with me now or lose me forever.

mari berlari meraih mimpi
menggapai langit yang tinggi
jalani hari dengan berani
tegaskan suara hati

kuatkan diri dan janganlah kau ragu
tak kan ada yang hentikan langkahmu

ya..ya..kita kan terus berlari
ya..ya..tak kan berhenti di sini
ya..ya..larilah meraih mimpi
ya..ya..hingga nafas tlah berhenti

ku akan bertahan
hadapi rintangan
perlahan-lahan dan menang
jalani hari dengan berani
tegaskan suara hati

kuatkan diri dan janganlah kau ragu
tak kan ada yang hentikan langkahmu

tak ada yang tak mungkin
bila kita yakin
pastilah engkau dapati