or rather, why am i blogging?

As previously mentioned, i have been married for over 6 years. Most of my married life has been great, my wife is my best friend, my confidant, my lover, mother to my child. There have been rough times. There was a time when we were assistant managers in a well known national pub-restaurant chain, we thought it would be great, working together, we’d done it before and enjoyed it. We joined a fairly large pub-restaurant with adjoining hotel. There was a General Manager and 2 other Assistant Managers, as well as a Kitchen manager. Looking back i think there were too many cooks (pardon the pun ). We lived onsite, in a pokey converted hotel room. We worked hard from early morning to late night. It soon became evident that we were going to have problems. My wife likes to know why she has to do something. The GM didn’t like to be questioned. She had some blazing rows with him, sometimes publicly. Meanwhile the senior staff, the other assistants and supervisors went about bad mouthing her behind her back. I didn’t realise this at the time. They were clever, conniving, and it came to a head after she had a massive row with the GM, she went up to our room, where she passed out and hit her head causing a bleed. While this was happening i’d been out delivering Christmas fliers and was asked to assist when i  got back to the pub. I went up to get changed and found her on the floor, she’d seized. I’d never been so scared. An ambulance was called and we went to hospital. Again i was asked to work, but i went to the hospital. looking back i can see that they were trying to rip us apart. It was only when one of the nice ones told me what was happening. I felt so stupid. we managed to get a transfer to a different pub. But the damage was done.

She was signed of after being diagnosed with epilepsy. i was expected to pick up Her shifts. so ended up working from 9 am to midnight with a short break in the afternoon. She was stuck in a tiny flat above a pub that she wasnot allowed to visit in a town that she didn’t know any one and was not allowed to drive anywhere due to risk of seizures.

We argued in the times that i wasn’t working. But i felt i had no choice but to work. In the new pub there was a Manager couple and us. The Wife of the manager, then got pregnant and suffered horrendous morning sickness. i was pulling 90 hour weeks. I felt that by working as hard as i did that we would both have a job when she returned to work. She returned and we worked the busiest mothers day in the history of the place, but it wasn’t going to last. The Manager was drinking too much and was having marriage troubles of his own, sleeping with the 16 year old waitress didn’t help his cause. But he was a twat. There seems to be something with GM’s of this particular that they drink too much and show themselves to be arseholes.

My wife had decided to leave, my choice was to stay or go. i went. My dad picked us up within days. We returned to our home town, staying with my folks. Trying to work on our marriage was tough, there were some home truths on both sides. sorry to ramble on, but this is my truth and will explain where i am coming from.

To my wife,

Today is our one year anniversary.  I know I have said some of these things before, but on this occasion I needed to do so once more before I put this marriage to rest forever.

I know that you never meant to hurt me.  Though I would have handled things differently, I realize now that you did the best you could.  It was a difficult situation that we put ourselves in.

There were many circumstances that contributed to our break-up.  I am still not convinced they were insurmountable.  But I also realize that we may never have been right for each other.

We will never know what could have been.  But I do know that your feelings for me have changed.  That has been hard to accept, but I have no choice. Clearly we don’t belong together right now.

Please understand why I fought to get you back.  I wanted to respect your desire to be left alone, but I never fully knew your feelings and reasons for leaving so suddenly.

I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you, and when you left you all I wanted was another chance.  But I think I know why you didn’t give me one.

You still need to figure out who you are and what you want in life.  I was ready for this step and I don’t think you were.  I can’t fault you for trying.

The fact that we got together and took those risks speaks volumes about how we felt about each other.  But love isn’t a fairy tale and sometimes the story doesn’t unfold the way we had hoped.

We faced many obstacles during our short time together, and unfortunately those seemed to drive us apart instead of bringing us together.

I hope that one day you can look back on the time we did share with fondness, and remember those feelings that brought us together in the first place.

The day we got married was one of the happiest of my life, and the day you left was one of the worst. But what happened in between was worth it all, and it would be a mistake to regret.

I have learned a lot about myself through this experience, and I imagine you have to.  We will be stronger and better equipped for the future. I know I will not repeat the same mistakes I made in our relationship.

We had many good times together, and I have chosen to remember those and not dwell on what could have been or how things ended.  There is no need to be angry or hurtful anymore.

I am much happier here at home.  I am returning to school so I can have a career in management that will not be as stressful and give me more time for those in my life.  Eventually I will love again.

I hope you are doing well, and wish you all the best.  You will not hear from me again until we are ready to complete this divorce.  We both need to move on and having any contact would complicate that process right now.

Letting you go has been tougher than I could have imagined, and I apologize for all the times I intruded.  I know you probably think less of me for it, but it’s only because I love you.

You are never far from my thoughts.  I often wonder what you are doing and if you are happy.  Despite my best efforts I still care what happens to you, and I guess I always will.

Though it has been a long road, I am finally putting my life back together.  I don’t know how its been for you, but I hope you are doing the same.

I will always be here for you.  Though it can’t be now, I don’t see any reason why we can’t be a part of each others lives in the future.  This does not have to be the end.

But life will unfold as it does, and whether we ever see each other again or not I want you to know that I do not hold anything against you anymore.

Life never goes according to plan, and things happen despite our best intentions.  The only thing we can do is learn from our situation and do better the next time around.

I wish things could have been different, but it is what it is.  You will always hold a piece of my heart, and I will never forget you.

I was right; it was more of the same the next day.  Not sure if you read my last story but I predicted that the day was going to be no different from the last.  I was basically the repairman again, had to fix a fridge and the alarm that I thought I had repaired earlier was actually still messing up.

My employers were not too happy, but I had another bash and it seemed to be working again after I had tested the alarm.

I had a good day with my son also; we went for a walk and took a stroll around the beach where we stay.  He has just started a new job and he seems happy with it.  Apparently it pays very well so he is doing ok and that’s fine by me.

I have been also paying a lot of attention to my lovely wife too, she has been really nice to me lately and I like spending time with her.

I don’t know if I have already mentioned but it was my granddaughter who convinced me to start this website to get to know me better but I don’t think it’s for me.  I like writing but I don’t know if I like showing my personal details to everyone out there.

I will continue to write on this site for the sake of my family as they are enjoying reading it.  I prefer to just get on with my life.

Talking of which I have really been enjoying my work.  I am a security guard by day and I usually repair stuff, fall asleep and then go for strolls (in that order).  Hopefully I won’t be repairing that alarm anytime again because it’s beginning to annoy my boss and I don’t like it when he is angry.

I hope you enjoyed another one of my stories.

Take care

John

Forgot to mention what we found out on our ride to Virginia Wednesday night. The Kindle (and the nook, etc) do NOT have a backlight. I was heart-brokenly disappointed. So, a light is needed to read at night (like in a car ride). Tricia is considering going with the nook because she spends a lot of time at Barnes and Noble. My sister has a nook and I have until next week for a full refund. Still mulling that over. Stay tuned and if you know of an eReader with a backlight, let me know asap! See ya!

While everyone around me revels in the holiday joy I quietly wish this season would go away already.  It’s hard to celebrate togetherness and family when mine still doesn’t feel whole.  I never even got to have one christmas with my wife.

Instead of enjoying what I have I am still lamenting the loss of what I had. The thought of my wife spending this holiday with another man haunts me, and I wonder if she too is having a difficult time adjusting to our new lives.

Logic tells me that she and I did not take enough time and married for the wrong reasons.  All of the signs were there that she was not ready and what I needed, and my actions and hers during our time together would indicate that both of us are better off with someone different.

Of course, how we should feel and what we do feel are often not the same. Even with all that has happened between us in the past, I still think about the good times and love we shared once and it makes me start to question my logic.

Truth is, regardless of what I want there is no choice but to move on.  She has made a decision and I must live with it.  I did everything I could to change her mind to no avail.  Nothing would be different unless she wanted it to be so.

As I have said many times, it’s not that I want anything to be different. Though I have moments of weakness and doubt, most of the time I feel positive about the direction I am taking.  Whether I had control over it or not, our split is probably for the best.

I realize that when I started this blog I said that I would not discuss my emotional baggage.  I was coming off a confrontation with her and in my anger convinced that I had put all of my feelings for her behind me.

In the spirit of the holidays I hope you can forgive me.  As you can see by the last few posts, I still had a bit more to get off my chest.  It would seem that I can’t force myself to think or feel a certain way, so I just have to be OK with letting time heal my wounds.

Nobody said this would be easy.  Losing someone you love never is, regardless of the reason.  In fact, I don’t envy the position my wife is in.  I have been told that it is harder to move forward when you are the one leaving, because you have to deal with the choice you made.

I don’t know if she will ever regret walking away.  Even if she did, I don’t believe she would do anything about it.  But it is my hope that she will one day be able to identify the reasons for our split as I have without dismissing what we shared and pushing her feelings away.

I am trying to be strong and put everything behind me, but it’s still a battle sometimes.  December contains her birthday, christmas and our anniversary, and it hasn’t even been six months yet since she left.  Maybe that’s why I have been losing some of those battles lately.

But I know that 2010 is going to bring new direction and hope to my life.  As each day passes the memories and feelings I have will fade, and eventually someone else will help me make new ones. Then maybe I will get my holiday spirit back.

Summit Beach South

Today’s delicious Christmas cake is MY WIFE Minami Minegishi!
I hope everyone enjoyed this special series of posts.
May you have a Loli Christmas and a Droolicious New Year!

It has been an interesting few days. It started on Saturday night. While in the process of drinking a bottle of Captain Morgan I ended up in a long conversation with a much older women who was getting divorced after 26 years of marriage.

Kind of puts things in perspective eh? My heart hurt for what this woman was going through, and suddenly my situation didn’t seem so bad at all. So much so that I ended up texting my wife to make peace.

Surprisingly, she not only responded but showed some compassion when doing so. I wish she would have done that three months ago, but better late than never. It left me feeling more confident and content than I have in quite a while.

On Sunday I attended a family christmas function. I spoke with one of my cousins who split from her fiancée recently, and even though she has not made sense of all of it yet, echoed many of my sentiments and gave me hope for the future.

I also got good news from another cousin of mine. She and her family are going to let me stay with them so I don’t have to travel so much. There is potential for it to be a longer term arrangement, but it was good to know I had a place for the time being.

Then came yesterday. Thinking about the good times we once shared left me melancholy and wondering if things could be different in the future. A visit to the grandparents did nothing to lessen those thoughts.

It’s not that I want her back.  We are at two different places in our lives, and after all that happened between us it would be tough to start over. But I guess I have not let go of the possibility that our feelings would change with time.

So I wrote some letters to a few key people in her life.  Was this a mistake? Some of you may think so. But I can’t make anything worse by doing so, and at the very least I have made sure that her family and friends know that I was always there and never gave up on her.

I know that it shouldn’t matter to me what they think, because they didn’t show any concern for me. But I felt it was important to let my feelings be known and I can hold my head high knowing I tried to leave things on good terms.

Earlier I did consider not sending them. A good nights sleep had me feeling better, and thinking about my wife’s actions made me doubt that I would want to try again at all. But emotion is rarely logical, and life is full of surprises.

When you marry someone you take them through good times and bad.  I don’t know how I would react if the opportunity to work on our relationship presented itself, but I would consider it.  I won’t be waiting around in the meantime.

This is me on my road to recovery. I have said what I needed to and can move forward in my life without any guilt or regret. When this divorce comes to pass it will be with no animosity and the knowledge that I did all I could.

I know there is probably someone better for me out there, and I have plenty of time to find them. At least I have put myself on a better path to the future that I want, and can take comfort in the lessons that I have learned from everything.

There are new challenges to face, like paying for school. It looks like student finance is going to screw me, so I will have to figure that out and work very hard over the next year to make sure its a successful one.

You need not worry about me. I am a strong individual, and I will come out of this an even better man than I was before. I might still have some feelings to deal with, but the heavy stuff has been handled. The future is bright and full of potential!

Miles and I just got home from going to see “A Christmas Carol” with his buddies Noah Lamb and Ryan Harrer.  That was a great movie!  I wish Tricia and Dylan could have gone with us.  Really, I can recommend that movie as a all-time Christmas classic.  I wish we could have seen it in 3D; but, Avatar is now showing everywhere in 3D and bumped this one out of the 3D rooms.  Nonetheless, rent it or go see Disney’s “A Christmas Carol”.  That’s the best version of that story I have ever seen.  Zemeckis (Forest Gump director) did an outstanding job.

Dylan has been feeling really bad since yesterday afternoon.  Tricia and I were headed out to the Christmas Jam at The Handlebar and we were a block away when Jessica, our kid sitter, called.  Dylan had just started throwing up.  We went back home immediately.  Good thing, poor little guy was sick almost all night and half the day today.  He was so sick last night and between “episodes” he was praying to Jesus.  He said “Jesus, I know other people need your help more than I do; but, I just pray that I don’t throw up anymore.”  That’s priceless and heart-breaking at the same time.  Luckily, he’s feeling much better now.

Since Dylan’s fever was gone and he was up watching TV in the living room when Miles and I got home, I thought it would be as good a time to give Tricia her early birthday present. I bought her a Kindle. One of the biggest reasons is so she won’t have to use a flashlight to read when we are driving in the van.  It’s probably a life saver because she tends to shine that flashlight in my eyes whenever she has to turn and tell the boys to settle down, etc.  So, look at it like life insurance!  Love ya Honey!  Really, she is so excited about her early birthday present.  She loves to read and I knew this would make her smile.  I am working on publishing this blog to the Kindle blog store now.  So, if you have a Kindle, you can subscribe!

My sister, Amy, got a nook from Barnes and Noble.  That’s another cool e-reader.  She wanted me to get the nook for Tricia and I had to do a lot of research.  Not sure which will be the winner in the long run as they both keep adding features; but, I went with the Kindle because I trust Amazon (with tons of purchases) and I have a Kindle reader app on my iPhone too.  Plus, the book prices on Amazon are really great for the Kindle.  I do like the color cover browser on the nook (think iTunes album cover browser); but, the Kindle won out this round.  So, you might ask “why did you give Tricia a birthday present now?”  Well, we are heading to Ohio on Wednesday bright and early.  I wanted her to learn how to use the Kindle BEFORE we headed out to Ohio. I also put The Shack on the Kindle for her to read.  She’s wanted to read that for a year or so now and this will be the perfect opportunity!

I have 2 days in the office this week and then we are off to Ohio.  I will try to post some from the cold frozen North (think winds off Lake Erie).  I will be working on my Top 5 albums and concert list for 2009.  It’s been a great year.  I wish you a wonderful Christmas with your family and friends.  I remind you, this is the most important holiday and that it’s about a gift.  A gift from our Father, his Son.  Jesus came to earth in the poorest of circumstances to show that the last will be first and that the gift is for everyone of us, regardless of wealth or social status.  It’s up to us to accept that greatest of gifts.  That’s Christmas and it’s an amazing wonder.  Merry Christmas and here’s to a safe, happy and prosperous 2010!  See ya!

I know I am supposed to be a good person and take the high road. I understand its not constructive to focus on the happiness of another. I am aware that there are two sides to every story.

But a few friends who have been on the recieving end of similar heartbreak have recently told me that it is normal to feel angry and spiteful for a while, and it will eventually go away with time.

Today is my wife’s 22nd birthday, and I was prepared to vent some of those feelings here and wish ill upon her. Considering what I have been through it would be completely understandable.

But there is really no use in doing so. Not only have I already said these things to you and her, it would accomplish nothing. I need to stop allowing angry thoughts to enter my mind in order to get past them.

Though I may have some residual contempt, the fact is that I should be thanking her. I am so much better off without her, but I would never have broken my commitment to her even when I had realized it.

Of course I still have some resentment towards her, and perhaps I always will. Yet I also loved her once, and I need to embrace those feelings as well. It just wasn’t meant to be, plain and simple.

So although I am not wishing her a happy birthday for obvious reasons, I am going to try not to have malice in my heart. It’s over, and I need to let her go. It’s time to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself.

In the immortal words of Bif Naked…"I love myself today, not like yesterday. I’m cool, I’m calm, I’m gonna be OK. Take another look at me now, because its your last look, your last look forever!"

The other day I was early to work after spending some time with my cousin and her new husband. We had done some talking about my marriage and how things came to this point, and I found myself writing another letter to my wife with the spare time that I had.

Whenever I speak of my marriage it always makes me ponder certain things. I think about how things got started, what we had when we were together and what could have been if both of us would have handled things differently.

The more I explain it the more it becomes apparent that we did make a mistake.  I don’t regret being with her because we did make some great memories, but considering our differences and the situation we put ourself in our marriage was probably never meant to last.

It’s funny to say that because even a few weeks ago I was still holding out some hope that we could have something in the future.  When love fades that doesn’t negate that it once existed, and I guess it was the love we once shared that convinced me that it might be that way again.

Since that time I have realized that even if the possibility did present itself it would be foolish to ever pursue it again.  Right now we don’t have the same goals, never had much in common and are too different in how we handle conflict and communicate our feelings.

We could have made different decisions in relation to how our relationship progressed and how we built our life together from there.  It is sad that she was not committed to her vows, because if she had fought for our love things might have turned out differently.

Of course, if she had done that then she would have been the person I thought I married. But her actions and attitude towards our marriage speaks volumes about her true character.  The fact is she chose to run instead of working on making our relationship better.

I don’t have anymore doubt that I am better off without her.  Any anger and frustration I still feel towards my wife has to do with the way our relationship did end.  I am of the belief that she could have handled herself in a different way and made things easier on both of us.

For a lot of people who never saw another side to her it is easy to dismiss her actions as those of a bad person.  I myself have felt the same way at times. However, I would not have married her at all if I had not gotten a glimpse of a different person.

That is what has made our parting so difficult.  Having been a recipient of some love and compassion from her in the past it has been shocking to have all of that seemingly disappear in an instant.  It’s not like I did anything to deserve such treatment.

All I really wanted was a thank you when I did something nice and some remorse shown for what she had done.  Even though she had her reasons for leaving and deals with her feelings differently she should have understood and cared how her actions would affect me.

At this point it is impossible to know how she felt during this process, because within two weeks of leaving she stopped sharing any of her feelings and shut me out.  But that made it worse for me and as a result I lashed out a few weeks ago in frustration and anger.

Maybe that is why I found myself writing a letter about getting closure and making peace with each other.  Perhaps I just want a glimpse of the humanity I once witnessed to validate the time we spent together and make me feel better about myself and what happened.

But would that really matter?  Even the most honest conversation and sincere apologies could not erase the unnecessary pain and humiliation I had to endure.  It might be possible to forgive but I don’t think I could ever forget.

Though life is always full of surprises, it is doubtful that we could ever even be friends again.  It may take years for her to face the emotional issues that made her give up on us so quickly, and even then she would have to be willing to take responsibility.

I had done more than enough to describe my feelings and accept my blame where it is due.  I have never claimed that this divorce was all of her fault, but until she accepts and admits her part in it there could never be any way I could even look at her again.

So I erased the latest letter, and have resolved to stop focusing on how things ended.  That part of my life is over, and nothing is going to make it go away except for time.  What she thinks of me does not matter, only what I think of myself.

I know that I am a good person, and with the exception of our last communication handled myself with kindness and dignity.  I have a lot to offer another woman and if I spend my time obsessing over the end of one love I may miss my chance to have another.

I notice there is tiny dark blue stitching that holds my black long sleeve shirt together as I look down at my arms stretched out to my keyboard. I am fairly adept at typing – I make plenty of mistakes, but I rarely look at the screen or my hands as I type. My eye wanders to my right where there is a picture in a gaudy silver frame my sister got me after my wife and I got married. She put a picture of JoAnna and I in it from our wedding day – we’re grinning goofily into each other’s eyes, our bodies pressed together as I grasp her close to me. I am probably the only one who can notice the tears welling up in my eyes as I stare into hers.

I wasn’t prepared for that emotion that day. I couldn’t have asked for a more beautiful summer day. I had glimpsed my wife once before, earlier that morning. I was driving away from our apartment as she was pulling up. I was happy, even giddy, to see her then, because it was against the rules  – but in that moment when she walked around the tree, in her dress, her eyes searching for mine, I completely lost all sense of control over the water forming in my eyes. It wasn’t just her beauty; I already knew how beautiful she was. Rather it was the consummation of our desires. This wasn’t just about sex, it was about us being together forever.

Since that day, I have had plenty of bad dreams. Once she went on a trip to Denver with a friend for Spring Break and I found a fear inside of me, anticipating a gruesome car wreck. Both times she has been pregnant I’ve had awful nightmares about her and the baby dying during childbirth. I found myself trying to describe to my students the way that I knew that JoAnna was mine – but I couldn’t – I just knew that we were, that she was mine and I was hers. It wasn’t some sort of divine intervention in our lives; it was much simpler than that. It was my choice and her choice. Nothing other than that.

We’re facing a lot of tough decisions right now. “What to do?” we ask. “What is the best choice?” we wonder. “What is God doing? What is he trying to show us?” we muse aloud as we lay our heads on the pillows of our queen size bed.

No matter what we have faced, I’ve never thought that she would leave me. And I have never thought once of leaving. As my gaze drifts upward, I am confronted with five pictures of our first daughter Alia. One I am kissing her when she is just four or five months old. Another, my wife is kissing her at about seven months. The other three are a series of family pictures – you know the ones where everyone’s wearing the same thing? Except Alia – who of course is the star. But there is one more picture, taken right after the ceremony – I am holding JoAnna up in the air, my face buried in her neck. Her arms are clasped around my back and she is smiling into the camera with purpose and satisfaction.

Whenever I am scared, that is the picture I look to. The brown bead frame that surrounds it accents the faithfulness, willingness, and devotion that epitomize my wife.

How long have I been married? Not long enough – and it never will be.

I had a difficult sleep last night. Try as I might, I could not put my wife out of my head. Instead, I lied awake thinking about all that has happened and how she really feels.

Don’t mistake this for me wanting her back. I have realized what she did long ago: we rushed into this and were never right for each other from the start.

But I heard that Fergie song “Big Girls Don’t Cry” three times yesterday, and it made me wonder. Why couldn’t she show more compassion after leaving?

I know that when she first left she told me it was selfish and she wasn’t trying to hurt me. But afterwards she completely turned away like I never mattered at all.

It really made me feel worthless when she moved on and ignored me. Even now I wonder if she ever really loved me and what she thinks of me today.

I wish she would have cared enough about me to look me in the eye and end things. After all that we shared it would have been nice to move on peacefully.

I have become very skeptical about love ever since. I find it hard to be happy for others and worry about how things will turn out for them after my experience.

It’s so easy to tell someone you love them, but when the going gets tough too many people choose to run instead of following through on those words.

I always believed that love could overcome anything, but it seems like a foreign concept to me now. How do you know if someone really loves you until its too late?

I don’t want to be a broken man. It would take just one kind word from her to make this go away, but I will have to be strong enough to do it without getting that.

Even if the midst of pain there is evidence of hope. Other people find happiness that isn’t as fleeting as ours was. Divorce does not happen to everybody.

I guess I need to remember that one bad apple doesn’t have to spoil the whole bunch. If found soon enough, the other apples will still be tasty and ready for the taking.

Things have gotten easier every day since she left, and eventually she will fade from my memory and so to will this negativity. Hopefully it doesn’t take too much longer.

As many of you know Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church in Dallas, recently had a seizure and had to have surgery to remove a tumor on his brain.  As of right now, he is still in recovery but has been moved out of the ICU.  Before he went in for his surgery he recorded a video message for everyone that, true to form, had some great thoughts in it.  He sees this situation as an opportunity to show that even in the difficult times, God is still more enough.  But the biggest thing that hammered me is that as this surgery is taking place and his life could easily end.  He would miss out on so much, but still, he loves God more.

That is an amazing thought.  It’s a tough question.  Do you love God more than everything else?  The easy answer is yes, but is that really true?  It made me sit back and think.  And if I’m being truly honest with God,

• Do I love Him more than I do my wife who I can’t imagine being without?
• Do I love Him more than growing old with her?
• Do I love Him more than I do my baby girl who despite not having met her yet, I would quickly give my life for?
• Do I love Him more than my desire to see her grow up and walk her down the isle one day?

I love my wife.  I love my baby girl.  And I love God.  But sometimes it hurts to be honest.  I wanna love Him more than anything and everything.  My own selfishness holds me back from that.  So be honest.  Take some time today and ask yourself that question.  Do you love Him more than ______?

When I was a hot-shot in the insurance industry there was a saying I used to use on my people.  ”It is ok to make mistakes, as long as you don’t make the same mistake twice.”  It was a good way to remind people to learn from their past and apply it to the present for a better future.

Last night I spend time time with my cousin and her beau.  As always happens since my wife left, I get very reflective when I become intoxicated.  I can’t seem to help it.  My mind starts to race with questions and doubts and I have a hard time shaking it off.

Over the past few months it has been these times that I have acted my most desperate.  I have written many letters after such an episode where I take blame for what has happened and make attempts to salvage our marriage.

If you have been following my blogs for a while then you are familiar with the extent I have gone to make that happen.  None of my efforts worked, and once I realized that I was never going to be able to fix it a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I cannot change what has happened, and I wouldn’t want to try again anymore.  However, it would be reckless and irresponsible to not examine my role in this disaster, because then I would risk having it repeated again.

Obviously the speed at which our relationship progressed is the biggest factor in it’s failure.  Having not taken enough time to really connect and ignoring my own feelings of doubt beforehand put us behind the 8 ball right away.

The decision to move in together and get married so fast was something we both had equal part in.  Regardless of our reasons why the end result was a relationship without a proper foundation, and that is something I don’t plan to do again.

But what I am hoping to learn from is my actions after we were already married.  There is plenty of blame to go around here, but whether she learns anything from her mistakes is her business.  I must take responsibility for mine.

My biggest regret will always be our lack of communication, and that is the other big lesson I will take from all of this.  Although she made it difficult because she was not a wiling participant, I often made the wrong choices trying to establish it.

I am ashamed to admit that I sometimes resorted to playing games or making personal attacks when she would try to avoid or end a fight.  Too many times we went to bed angry or sad.  Instead of being patient and understanding, we would often get defensive.

There is no way to have a good relationship without some conflict.  Otherwise problems sit buried beneath the surface and erupt later.  ”Fighting” is a normal and healthy expression of feelings as long as both parties have the other’s best interests at heart.

I am not proud of how I handled myself in these situations, despite the lack of effort on her part. I have always been a caring and thoughtful person, but I know that I am far from perfect.  I must work on being more patient and learn how to compromise more.

I believe that is the real reason why things did not work out in my marriage.  Both of us made a compromise when we got together in the first place, and as we spent more time together we realized we were not willing or able to make that big of a compromise anymore.

I know I still have a long way to go before I fully forgive myself for failing to be a better man and even more time before I can forgive her for failing to remain committed to me.  But each day I understand more about how we got to this point.

Eventually I would like to be able to make peace with my wife.  Now is not the time of course, considering my anger and what I recently said.  But I think I will never be fully healed until I can tell her that I forgive her and truly mean it.

I would be surprised if that ever happened, considering her reluctance to speak with me or accept any responsibility to this point.  But as I said before, whether she learns anything from this or not, I will make sure I come out of everything a much better person.

This evening I was going through my wedding photos to find a picture of one of my friends.  As I flipped through all of the pictures of my family, friends and soon to be ex-wife, it occurred to me that I do not know what to do with my memories.

I gave her most of the things we acquired together.  Almost everything to do with our wedding now belongs to her.  She even got the dog.  But in addition to the photos of her that I have on my computer I still have the thoughts in my head.

Even just a week ago those memories would have made me sad.  I would have questioned what I did to deserve this, and wondered if there I was anything I could do to change things.  Those pictures would have reminded me of what I had lost.

Now there is nothing but anger when I think of her.  To me those pictures are nothing more than lies, and her actions evidence of the hoax she perpretrated against me.  Now I only think about the time that I wasted and what a fool I was to believe in her.

But anger does not seem to be any better than sadness, because I am still thinking about her just the same.  What I would like is for these memories to just go away, but I am not sure if that is ever going to happen or if they even should.

Maybe time will heal my feelings of anger and I will be able to look back on the past with some fondness again.  Maybe meeting another woman who makes me feel the way she did will make the memories fade into the background.

I don’t want to have hate in my heart.  That is not the way I want to live my life.  Things happen for a reason, and clearly we were not meant to be.  So why is it so difficult for me to forgive her for setting me free?

I guess I am just going to have to avoid the memories for now, and focus my energy on the new path I have created for myself.  Looking back in the past will not help me move forward, and I can’t let anything interfere with that.

Besides, there are so many beautiful women who are showing interest in me. The only way I will be able to take advantage of that and find the right person for me is if I stop dwelling on how things went wrong and believe in love again.

It has been around five months since we have graced the great state of Oklahoma with our presence.  Today we will allow Oklahoma to be cool again as we will once again step foot into America’s Heartland.  We are pretty excited to be there for Turkey Day because we will finally get to see all our friends and family again.  They are pretty cool.

So we are flying out today and visiting the in-laws first.  We will be in rural Oklahoma (no not all of Oklahoma is the middle of nowhere) for Thanksgiving which means some good ol’ home cookin’.  That will be good stuff.  Then we will be heading to Edmond and staying with my family, watching another great OU OSU game, having our first baby shower for our baby girl, and hitting up some LifeChurch.tv and saying hi to all our friends there!  Unfortunately, this year I do not believe that either of our families are continuing on the tradition of Thanksgiving BBQ instead of turkey and such.  That is a bummer, but I do expect to gain plenty of weight this week.  If you haven’t seen the list of all the different places my preggo wants food from, read it and then you will understand why I am going to come back as something the oompa loompas have to roll out of Oklahoma.

It’s gonna be a great vacation!  No work for several days in a row.  The great state of Oklahoma.  Almost all our friends and family.  And then coming home to Orange County, CA.  We are ready to eat and see everyone.  Sorry mom and dad.  We will miss you!

What are your Thanksgiving plans?

I started this blog less than 2 months ago and by the time I get home it will be over 1000 hits.

1000 Hits – 12:20pm

1. Happy 1000 Hit Birthday AntiNerd

2. Google and SEO doesn’t mean shit in terms of personal blogs. Professional websites, etc I can tell you first hand SEO works, and very well. But personal blogs? Get fucked. The only hits I get from Tags are “fuck” and “sex” etc.

3. People read blogs like they watch Big Brother, because humans and the human condition are interesting. Some can express it well, some can’t.

4. If your blog looks like an Ad, it’s boring. There’s ads all over the internet. Get a personality and then start blogging.

5. Be interesting, write well, and keep it raw, that’s what a blog is for.

Peace,

xxx

Scott Assassin

What a great weekend. The climb/hike on Friday really set a high bar for weekends. I am still amazed at how clear the sky was for us on Friday. Great hike!

We had a blast hanging out with Frankie and Mandy (and the kids) on Friday on their way to the beach for the Thanksgiving week. Check out the zip line fun in the album below:

Uncle Frankie and Family visit

Frankie and Mandy left after going to Miles’ karate practice. I stayed home and started working on the deer sausage chili. There was some football to be watched too! We got to watch UNC beat BC, that put us in the championship game before we even played Virginia. We took care of business against Virginia and now we are headed to the ACC Championship game vs. Ga Tech. It should be a great game for the Tigers as we attempt to avenge the early season loss against Ga Tech, the only Coastal division team we play every year. December 5th at 8pm is the game time. Next Saturday will be a trip down to Columbia to take on our arch-rivals, the South Carolina Gamecocks. That game is never overlooked and should be another classic battle. We are going to be heading over to Michelle and Jason Collins’ place for the game. I think chicken wings should be on the lunch menu .

Saturday night, we had friends and family over for a drop-in party celebrating my birthday. I am blessed to have such great friends. Mom and Pete came up with Amy (in her new Chevy Equinox). We had “make your own pizza” with the chili. Tricia also had an awesome coconut cake per my request ready. Served with some ice cream, it was the best! The funniest thing was we had candles for the cake other than a “5″ and a “8″. Good thing 5×8= 40! Worked out fine. We all had some laughs playing Catchphrase, the ladies beat the men 7-4. Good job ladies, even if you did cheat .

Today, everyone piled in the van for worship with Freedom Fellowship. Hannah and Nathan Harvell came down from North Greenville University to join us for worship and lunch at Fatz Cafe afterwards. It was good to spend time with them. We have been planning a Sunday to get together with them and it worked out that Mom and Pete were here too. Hannah and Nathan’s parents have been missionaries in the Philippines for almost 20 years. Their Mom, Jill, grew up across the street from our family back in Sumter. Her parents are like Grandparents to me. Glad we could take them out for a lunch treat. The shrimp and grits were perfect today!

After Fatz, we went to downtown Greenville for a quick Mast General Store trip. Amy and Susan chipped in very nicely on a new pair of Merrell brown leather shoes for me. Clearance price and their gift left me with only $29 to pay for a $120 pair of shoes. Thank you, thank you!

This afternoon, I went to a meeting at Freedom Fellowship to discuss being called as an Elder for the church. We have a great group of men prepared to serve and lead the church. Please pray for me as I start this service, pray for our church and our community. It was a very meaningful meeting and I was honored to share a small bit of my testimony with the men. I am honored to be called to serve God’s church and look forward to what God has in store for Freedom Fellowship. I end this weekend with a sense of purpose, a sense of pride (my Tigers) and some sore knees and leg muscles (the climb). But, I enjoyed every minute of it! Thank you God!

See ya!

Fun stuff since my last post:

Honesty and Craigslist more and more often seem to be two things that don’t go together.  And when it comes to honestly, I think there is either 1st Place (being honest) or 2nd Place (the first loser).  It seems the more I use Craigslist the more I wish it was eBay.  There are great deals to be had, but sometimes it is so difficult to wade through the load of crap to get to something that isn’t a complete waste of time.

Just a couple weeks ago we decided it was time to find a crib for our baby.  Kara-Kae was very excited about this and ready to get one.  So she decided on the crib she wanted for our baby girl and set out to keep me happy in the process by finding the best price on this Da Vinci crib.  Low and behold (as my mom would say) the best price on the exact crib she wanted was a post on Craigslist from a girl in Anaheim!  Sweet.  The perfect crib at a great price is hard to pass up.  So it was time to get it.  Through back and forth conversations with this girl about the crib, KK’s blog and her wanting to check out our church, KK got all the details about it and found out that the baby had only slept in it twice.  So it should be like new!  The girl was about to leave the country for work so we decided to go see it before she left.  Unfortunately that meant we had to go in the evening to see the crib in a dark garage.

Once we had arrived, we were told that the crib was in great shape and that the kid had only slept in it like five times and played in it like 10 times.  (Wait…what happened to only two times???)  The crib wasn’t in the shape it was promised in, but in the dark it seems to be ok.  We made the deal, gathered the parts and headed home.  Once we got home and got the crib into the light we could see it for what it really was.  If the kid had only been in it a few times, those few times must have been extended periods of time.  It was pretty beat up.  But, we had seen some of that and it was very fixable.  Then as we were checking to make sure all the parts were there we discovered that the instructions didn’t say Da Vinci anywhere on them.  Turns out the crib was made by a company called Jardine Enterprises.  If you go google them you will notice that the dominating topic is that in the past several years they have recalled 300,000 cribs because they were unsafe and endangered the babies.  Awesome.  And on top of that, we didn’t get a single piece of hardware for the matching changing table we purchased with the crib!

So we immediately started trying to get back in touch with the girl hoping that she would be civil and honest (which I’m not sure why I even had hopes that she might considering she listed a completely different crib, which I’m sure had nothing to do with the fact that hers had been recalled a few years back and had even posted pictures of the crib she claimed it was) and work with us.  Nope.  Not a chance.  She didn’t care one bit that the item was falsely listed and that we had been straight up lied to and misled.  She didn’t care.  She had her money and was not interested one bit in being honest about it.  Yes, we should have checked it closer before we bought it.  Yes, we should not have trusted someone who seemed to be a nice person interested in our lives and church.  Yes, we have learned to no longer trust ANYONE on Craigslist.  But, she still knew she was not telling the truth and never even thought to mention that it was something completely different than what we were expecting.  I think I’ll save her to my favorite sellers list and give her a 2nd Place ribbon for her efforts.

But, through the whole thing God took care of us.  I hope that some day she checks out a church, even if it’s not ours.  And then God took care of our baby too.  Because the crib had been recalled in the past, we decided to try to see if they would still take it back.  They did!  We just received a voucher to Babies ‘R’ Us for MORE than what we purchased the crib for so that now we can get a brand new crib that is exactly what we want and exactly what we think it is!  Thank you God for taking care of us in our moment of weakness of trusting someone from Craigslist.  Take that crib lady.

This past week has been filled with lots of different things.  Our lives have been pretty freakin’ busy and it seems like there is always something going on.  My guess is that it probably isn’t gonna slow down much in the next…well…20 years.  Guess that means I should get used to it.  In light of the business I thought I would take a look back at the past several days and revisit some of the things that I have learned this week.

• We’re having a baby girl!
• Dwight knows the Now You’ve Got The Chills back rub rhyme.
• When I only have one day off with my wife per week, working is not a smart idea.
• The Oklahoma Sooners defense looks really good, but the offense is really weak.
• Sam Bradford made a wise decision to go to the NFL while his stock is still hot.
• My wife is awesome!
• We’re having a baby girl!
• Technology is going to make it harder and harder to make millions as a rockstar.
• I love Pro Tools, but I hate it when it crashes in the middle of an experience.
• Just because someone is really nice to you and wants to check out your church doesn’t mean that they aren’t trying to sell you something that is absolutely NOT what they promised and missing many pieces of the hardware.  Thanks a ton.
• We need some furnature.
• Jack Bauer James is really cute awesome when he wants to snuggle.
• Modern Family is one of the funniest shows on TV.
• The world of Photoshop is opened up by free brushes.
• The message of Jesus Christ is for people who don’t know it and not just for church people.
• Disney gives unrealistic expectations about hair.
• Girls have a 6th sense although I’m not sure I want to tell them I believe it. Nevermind.
• I like blogging everyday.
• I love my wife/I’m glad I never have to be pregnant.
• WE’RE HAVING A BABY GIRL!

What have you learned this week?