I used to sing in church a lot. I am not a soloist, but I do very well in a group. Because I did well in a group, most people assumed I would do well as a soloist and I sang a lot in both churches. I was never good enough for anything beyond the older people who attended and could barely hear me (haha), but I did enjoy it.

This was the last song I planned to sing in church. I chose it because I felt like nobody saw the real me. I bought the music, practiced it, and planned to sing it in mid-October, 2007. Unfortunately, I found the real me at the end of September, so I never sang it publicly. But I still like it, because it reminds me of how lost and lonely and invisible I felt, and then I think, now I do see the real me, and many others do now, too. And it is wonderful and beautiful to finally set myself free.

Joy for the Journey Begins With Self-Acceptance

I try to recall how many times I described my day to my husband this way, “I didn’t get done everything I wanted to get done today!” I cannot recall because it had been such a habit for me that I lost count.

This kind of self-evaluation was more than just noting what my day was like; it was also a way of beating myself up, telling myself somehow I blew it and didn’t make the mark.

At the core of my being, what drove me to recite this mantra was a sense of how I was not good enough and I never would become good enough. I felt as though I was an Olympics athlete competing in an obstacles race. I continually got trained to get better, but just as I got better, the bar also got higher.

But who raised the bar?

Now that is a great question. Who raised the bar?

Thanks to my husband who gave me the answer. It was me who raised the bar!

Now it was not just me. There are also messages from our culture that tell us who we should be or should have been. My ears are tuned into the message of how I should have been more productive and efficient. Others are tuned into the messages of how they should have been thinner, taller, more muscular, more fair-skinned, or more straight-haired. Still others are tuned into the messages of how we should be more of this and less of that.

Perhaps women in America are particularly plagued by this media message of how women should be like Barbies – large breasts, tiny waist, and long stick-legs. The obsession with this unreachable and unrealistic image has caused a widespread disease of self-loathing among so many women. Is it any wonder that bulimia is more common among women than men?

And so we rob ourselves of the joy for the journey.

We try to undo the design our Creator has endowed us with, and we usurp the role of our Creator by re-designing who we are.

We attempt to remodel ourselves like we do a complete remodel of our homes. We show only parts of who we are and hide the other parts. We wake in the morning preparing to go to a variety of masquerades. We feel like fugitives on the run because the Real Me must go into hiding. When we are alone, we long for someone to say, “You’re OK! I love you for who you are!”

The trouble with this masking and hiding game is that the game is already lost before we even begin. It is like a rat running in a maze that is totally enclosed. It keeps running but it will never go anywhere.

This kind of masquerade race will never give us any joy.

To begin to experience joy for the journey, we must begin with acknowledging that our God has created each of us with a unique design, with strengths as well as potential for progress. When he completed his creation in Genesis, he exclaimed, ”Tov meode!” That’s Hebrew for “Very good!”

When we begin with accepting our unique design as God has intended it, we are then ready to move toward progress with confidence and joy, knowing that we are OK even while we work on our potential for progress.

To begin to experience joy for the journey, I have begun to play a different tape in my mind.
• I thank God for the unique design he created me with – not only the strengths, but also the potential for development.
• I enumerate my accomplishments each day, no matter how small, even if it means smiling at a stranger.
• I take an inventory of the potential areas for personal development. I set some goals for personal growth and plan the strategies for achieving them. As I go about setting goals and planning strategies, I thank God for these opportunities for personal development.
• As I end each day, I go through the three steps above again. When I begin each new day, I go through these three steps, thanking God for his unique design for me as well as the opportunities for personal development.
• Whenever I find myself beginning to criticize myself for not being everything I feel I should have been, I thank God again for an opportunity for development without beating myself up.

The journey to self-acceptance is in and of itself a journey. Recording star Natalie Grant says it so well in the song she wrote about her recovery from bulimia. I am including the lyrics of the song here for you all to reflect on. Perhaps you can relate to the masking, hiding, self-accusing, and self-degrading. I pray that you will also find the same freedom she has found by accepting God’s unique design.

The Real Me by Natalie Grant

Foolish heart looks like we’re here again
Same old game of plastic smile
Don’t let anybody in
Hiding my heartache
Will this glass house break?
How much will they take
Before I’m empty
Do I let it show?
Does anybody know?

Chorus:
But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me

Painted on
Life is behind a mask
Self-inflicted circus clown
I’m tired of the song and dance
Living a charade
Always on parade
What a mess I’ve made of my existence
But You love me even now
And still I see somehow

Chorus:
But You see the real me
Hiding in my skin,
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me

Bridge:
Wonderful, beautiful
Is what You see
When You look at me
You’re turning the tattered fabric of my life into
A perfect tapestry

Oh, I just wanna be me
I wanna be me

Chorus
Cause You see the real me
Hiding in my skin
Broken from within
Unveil me completely
I’m loosening my grasp
There’s no need to mask my frailty
Oh, Cause You see the real me
And You love me
Just as I am
Wonderful, beautiful
Is what You see
When You look at me

The image of Rate Maze is attributed to CupCakes on www.Flickr.com
The video is attributed to YouTube.com

Coming out of stormy waters . . . we are tired . . . we almost drowned . . . we’re afraid the tide will come and snare us again.  But we live with a promise.  Songwriter Christa Wells (sung by Natalie Grant) eloquently reminds me that the promise takes it’s full hold when we are sopping wet and worn down to the bone from our fight with the sea. 

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? 
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

2 Timothy 4:17-18
But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion’s mouth. The Lord will rescue me from every evil attack and will bring me safely to his heavenly kingdom. To him be glory for ever and ever. Amen

KDUVfm artist were posting on Twitter Saturday night the different costume they and their children we wearing.

The highlight of the night … see TobyMac dressed as Michael Jackson:

The Follow You Tour featuring Brandon Heath, Leeland, and Francesca Battstelli dressed as the cast of “The Goonies”.

Natalie Grant dressed her twins, Gracie and Bella, as a chick and a lamb. They were on tour in Texas and they trick-or-treated from tour bus to tour bus.

And Bart Millard, the lead singer of MercyMe, dressed his little boy, Charlie, a knight from Monty Python!

How did you dress your little ones on Saturday night?

Either Pandora doesn’t realize that Regina Spektor has written more than one song, or it doesn’t think I’d like any of her other songs. The one song it keeps giving me of hers (mostly from my indie rock stations– Metric, Stars, the Ting Tings… are the TTs “indie” anymore?) is FIDELITY.

Now, anyone who knows anything about Ms. Spektor can tell me that Fidelity is her most overplayed song by far, and likely not her best. I cannot help but continually apply my palm to my forehead over the fact that of all the songs Pandora could beat me senseless with, it could “Fidelity.” It breaks my heart.

Other things that bemuse me include bands that used to be mainstream and have since gone Christian. Not that I have a problem with Christian rock, I can actually name several Christian rock artists I like to listen to (though, I admit I would’ve never been introduced to them without my mother’s side of the family. My Dad’s side? We just do the Hora. And then listen to Hendrix). Said Christian rock artists include Nichole Nordeman, Natalie Grant and Steven Curtis Chapman.

Granted, Chapman can get kind of preachy, but Nordeman is one of the most talented song writer’s I’ve had the pleasure of coming across. Many of her songs do not actually refer to God or Jesus specifically and that leaves them open for interpretation to those who aren’t otherwise aware it’s all God-talk. Of course, most of Nichole Nordeman songs are about people, not religion. Songs I suggest checking out by her include, “Gratitude” (though this one obviously addresses God, I think it has an excellent message and this song has been known to make me cry on occassion) and “Wide Eyed” (which does refer to Jesus, though not by name– what is with my examples?– but is about the hypocrisy of dismissing outcasts even though Jesus himself was one).

Considering that many Christian Rock songs don’t refer to God directly, it’s easy to see how a Pop Rock group could make a seamless transition– it’s just that now all the “he”s in the song are about God and not that cute boy with the locker next to yours.

Who remembers the movie “She’s All That”? Folks in my age range (d.o.b. 1985) probably will, despite the fact that there were a thousand other teen movies out at the same with roughly the same premises. Cool guy takes a bet that he can make awkward girl the prom queen and they eventually fall in love. Now, if you know what movie I’m talking about, I’m sure the song “Kiss Me” pops to mind. What band did that song again? That’s right, Sixpence None the Richer.

Since there hay-day of “Kiss Me” and “There She Goes,” Sixpence broke up, got back together and put out the album “Divine Discontent,” that includes more than a few Godly references. Not that I’m criticizing the band decision to go Christian, just wondering why? I know Jewel originally wanted to do Christian Rock, and I hear tell that Avril Lavigne wanted to be a country star before she became the punk princess, but why change genres mid-career? Especially to move from a broader genre to a much more exclusive one?

Well, after all this I think I need a change from indie rock for a while. I’m feeling… Pink Floyd.

project 365 entry for March 20, 2009

Had the opportunity to take my 15 yr old daughter to a wonderful Christian concert tonight. I didn’t bring my camera (that’s a shocker). Luckily, my daughter had hers. We saw Natalie Grant. Here’s my daughter with Natalie:
Chris Sligh, of American Idol fame, was an opening act. He really is wonderful and inspiring! Here’s my daughter with Chris. I had just made a joke about how they looked a lot alike because of their glasses.. she was laughing, that’s why her eyes closed:
Okay, I have no idea who that ugly, run down redheaded woman is with Chris Sligh… LOL… and a side note, that maybe I shouldn’t mention: this is the last photo that my daughter’s camera ever took. Yep, taking this one broke her camera. See! There is a good reason that I always try to stay behind the camera!
It was really a nice evening. My daughter was able to do a meet and greet with Natalie Grant. I was able to spend an evening with my daughter!
Hope I made you smile. Until next time…

Okay, so she didn’t come to visit me personally, but I did invite her to speak at chapel this morning and she accepted. It was one of the best chapel services I have seen in the 4 years I’ve worked at TBC. I invited Natalie and the Executive Director of the Home Foundation, Stacia Freeman, to come and speak to the Executive Board of the Tennessee Baptist Convention about the Home Foundation’s work in fighting human trafficking. I have volunteered my creative services to the Home Foundation for a while now and I am proud to be part of the fight.

Sometimes we need a reminder to get out of our comfort zones and get busy doing the work of the Lord. Sitting back in the comfortable complacency of our church pews is not what Christ had in mind when he said “Go!” He didn’t mean “Go” to church. He didn’t mean “Go” get comfortable. And he certainly didn’t mean “Go” get offended. I think, as Christians, we are all too often quick to get offended by everything around us. There is such a thing as righteous anger, but I think we misplace, misuse, and misdirect our energy on trivial things.

Christ wasn’t offended by prostitutes, tax collectors, or even by the persecutors of his own people. When he found some people about to stone an adulteress to death he said “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” He also said that “He who claims to be without sin deceives himself and the Truth is not in him.”

What I’m getting at is simply this: Some things that we refuse to talk about in church are, I believe, the very thing that Christ would WANT us to talk about in church! We are in the business of ministering to the hurt, the downtrodden, the broken, the weak, the strong, the sinners, the saints, the good, the bad, and the indifferent. If we, as the body of Christ, continue to be so inwardly focused and remain so secluded in our comfort zones, then we are not doing what Christ commanded us to do. It’s no wonder the world sees the modern Christian church as irrelevant.

So, I challenge anyone who reads this to get out of your chairs. Get out of the churches and get busy doing God’s work. We are not called to be in church. We are called to BE THE CHURCH! A church is not a building… it is the people who worship in that building. If you aren’t compelled to get involved in this cause, find another one and get involved!!! Thank you, Natalie and Stacia for the exceptional message!

http://www.thehomefoundation.net

This week at Life Church was “Porn Sunday”. The statistics on the porn industry are staggering, yet so many churches don’t acknowledge or address the fact that so many of their people are being held hostage to such an ugly, disgusting captor! That’s why we partnered with xxxchurch.com to “Confront the Elephant in the Pew”. Our Sunday looked a little different because of it, but most of the elements were the same.

Instead of Jason preaching this week, we showed a video produced by xxxchurch.com, POWERFUL! We did our normal worship sets, but also had time for people to respond and seek prayer about the issues at hand.

So, here was our set list…

Dirty Little Secret (The All American Rejects)

We Stand (Lee McDerment)

Glory to God Forever (Fee)

From The Inside Out (Hillsong)

-video message-

Perfect People (Natalie Grant)

Marvelous Light (Charlie Hall)

So…if you could only pick 2 songs to listen to for the next year, what would they be?

Josh

this post is part of the “Sunday Setlist” blog carnival over at FredMcKinnon.com. Go check it out!

I am up and at the computer about to start day 2 of National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness WeeK. Your prayers have been so appreciated and I am thrilled that day 1 worked out so well with no technical glitches, no computer errors, etc.

This year I really wanted Georgia Shaffer to speak and Monday morning was the only slot she had available since she had a full week. (Thanks, Georgia for squeezing us in!) So we kicked things off and jumped right into talking about how we deal with our difficulties in life in different ways. We had over 200 listeners for our first show so we were off to a great start.

I have a pumpkin candle to create some atmosphere in my office, but am too scared to light it, so instead am just spritzing pumpkin room spray around. It smells like fall. I keep trying to turn and prop my feet up on a chair. My feet are swelling again and I don’t know if it’s the weather, or due to sitting so long here, or the angle of the chair. I keep moving everything to try to rotate positions.

Next was the 12 pm show. Jennifer Jaff shared some wonderful insight into insurance issues and also what to do when we have a pre-existing condition. This seminar is one you will want to listen to and have a piece of paper ready to take notes. She gave a lot of web sites that are helpful as well, all of which are available at her web site. And just a reminder that her services with her organization Advocacy for Patients are free (yep, you read that right.)

After the second show the phone rang and it was my parents. My mom said, “If it’s okay, I have a plane ticket I can get.” Okay? Yes! My parents had just returned from a trip to TN the day before (after being stuck overnight at SF due to plane issues). I hadn’t asked her to come for II Week because I didn’t think she should be returning from a long trip and then fly down here. She has her own chronic illness issues. But she said, “If you can do this, I can get on a plane. This is why I retired. ” Thanks to Dad who encouraged her to go and gave her 20,000 of her airline miles so the ticket was affordable.

My son gets out of school each day at 2:20 and I have shows at 3 and 5:30. Let’s just say I was desperate enough for childcare, after asking everyone I knew, to post it on Facebook. I figured maybe someone from Rest Ministries would know someone in San Diego and they could watch Josh in my home while I was just in the other room. But my mom is a’comin and should be here by noon today.

I explained to Josh’s teacher that this week was chaotic, and not normal, and that my mom would be picking him up the rest of the week.

If I sounded a bit frazzled when I first came on the line with Joanna Faillace for the 3 o’clock show it was because I picked my son up from school at 2:20. We ran home, I handed him milk and a snack, threw his karate uniform on. Packed him a snack to take. He said he’d wait in the driveway for his ride. I told him he could wait in the house, but he was feeling like a big boy and when I called “I love you!” he hollered back “I love you too.” Ahhh….

Just as we went live he appeared in my office and said, “They aren’t here yet. I’m thirsty.” I hit the mute button and said, “Go back outside. She’s coming. Milk is int he cooler.” I started the show and mouthed to him “I can’t talk” and waved. He went back outside and stood out there to wait for one of my dear friends to pick him up and take him to karate. I left her a bag of mail to drop into a mailbox even. Thank you, Shelley!

Once Joanne started talking I muted myself, took off the headset and ran out there to see if he was still there (Sorry, Joanne!). I had told him to come tell me when Shelley got there. He was gone. So was the mail. Okay…a kidnapper wouldn’t take the mail, right?

I ran back in and was back on the show. Joanne had a wonderful presentation about eating right, foods that are super-naturally healthy, and as always when I talk to her, I came away with some simple things I could easily do to improve my health- and dare I say – even metabolism. Now there is some motivation! I was glad I was keeping my food diary yesterday because I was stressed out enough I would have been eating more than I should.

I got off the phone and called Shelley to make sure she had Josh. They were finishing up karate learning cart wheels and then she was taking him to another a friend’s house to play. I called and left messages for my husband to pick up Josh (“I don’t have the address. He’s playing outside. It’s 2 or 3 houses down from Shelley’s house. Call me if you can’t find him.”) I reminded him to pick up drugs for me at the pharmacy too after work.  And then left 1 more message to pick up eggs.

We had our last Invisible Illness Week show of the day with Maureen Pratt who was calming and talked about having joy and gratitude despite illness. We had some wonderful encouraging calls (I love it when you call in!)

We finished at 6:30. I called my mom to make sure she had her ticket. I called Joel to make sure he found Joshua. They were looking for a clean restroom somewhere near the pharmacy (2 stores didn’t work) and they got home after 8.

I worked on blogs and answered emails until then they arrived home. Gave my kid a big hug and told him how proud of him I was. I grabbed a Nutrisystem lasagna and we ate at 8:15. I had Joel show me how to get the video game out of of the Playstation and then I went to Blockbuster at 8:45 to drop off movies and games that–if were not returned by midnight 9/14–we’d be charged for.

My husband volunteered, but actually I just wanted 15 minutes in the dark car alone and I blasted the “Our Hope Endures” song by Natalie Grant. I just picked up the CD last week as my “gift to myself” for this week and love her song “Our Hope Endures” that came out around the time I started Hope Endures podcasts last year. I will post a link to it later. Amazing song, and lyrics about a friend of hers that has cancer.

Got to bed by 10. Got back up at 10:30 and worked till 11:30. And -praise the Lord, slept!

I woke up at 5 a.m. and prayed for my mom who was just arriving at the airport to fly out. She should be in Seattle now (Eugene to Seattle, to San Diego is how it works.)

Got up at 7:15. I haven’t showered yet but I did throw on some clothes. I had a quick breakfast, watched 10 minutes about remembering Patrick Swayze on the Today show (sad), spent a few minutes in prayer and am going to be answering emails until the show starts with Pam Farrel (so excited to have her!). Then I hope to prepare a bit for the shows today, especially the one I am supposed to be doing on starting a business, since our second scheduled speaker had to cancel due to a family emergency. I have orders to send to our warehouse, and then need to grab a bite to eat.

Please keep us in prayer today. The shows, guests, listeners. Our guests that had to cancel have unspoken prayer requests. My mom’s best friend is 80 years old and having open heart surgery today too. She went into surgery at 7 a.m. and it should last 4-6 hours. So many people are hurting, including many of our speakers who are all coping with their own illnesses, and still doing the shows for all of us.

I hope that together we can reach out to everyone who needs reminded with the Lord’s love and hope.

God bless you, friends. Thanks so much for your support.

Related articles by Zemanta

• First Invisible Illness Week Seminar Starts Today at 9 AM Pacific Time (invisibleillnessweek.com)
• Patrick Swayze remembered. Who will today’s teens mourn? (timesunion.com)

ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME LIVE EVENT!
During this season of change and time of rebuilding, were also extremely pleased to announce that on October 12, 2009, several of the top artist in Gospel Music; Casting Crowns, Kirk Franklin, Amy Grant, MercyMe, Michael W. Smith, The Booth Brothers, Natalie Grant, and others, will come together for a once-in-a-lifetime Save The GMA concert event!  This spectacular evening, produced by the legendary Brown Bannister, is made possible by the generous donations in time and dollars by each of these artists who  believe in the mission of the GMA!  This event was inspired by a “Save the Symphony” event held to support the Nashville Symphony a few years ago.

Limited seating is available for $1000/ticket.  Please contact Angilee at 615/277-1376 for more information or to order your tickets before they sell out!

As this evening came to an end I was sitting about and doing some light reading and was reflecting about how my day went and how I celebrated my birthday.  I thought about just how truly blessed I am.  Phone calls, texts and FaceBook messages rolled through wishing me well and friends and family telling me how much they loved me.  I really felt blessed and moved by all of words of encouragement and people telling me thank you while it’s me who should be telling you all these things.  You all really mean the world to me.

The last 3 years have gone by like a whirlwind; it all started from a conversation between my wife and her best friend Kimia.  I’ve always been a bit of a shutterbug but had only really used my photography commercially combined with my background in marketing and design.  So when she asked me to photograph and design her album I was a bit hesitant but encouraged by them.  That’s when things started to change and fall into place.

A tradeshow for convenience stores in San Antonio, TX of all places led to me meeting Paula Masters where she was promoting her new energy drink 1 in 3 Trinity.  It was there that we discovered that we had friends in the same circle but have never bumped into each other, somehow the conversation led to me and photography and then that she was getting married in September.  We photographed there beautiful wedding at the Four Seasons of Las Colinas.  Our friendship grew, I love Paula & Matthias they are such a gorgeous and giving couple.

Fast forward about a year and a chance meeting with some fellow Dallas Stars season ticket holders led to me photographing her son at his hockey game in Frisco only to find out that she owned a Baby Boutique store in Garland at Firewheel Town Center.  This led to a Saturday afternoon chatting it up and sharing pictures of babies with mothers-to-be at Trimesters Maternity.  Where I met dear sweet Angel, she was shopping for something to wear to her very own Surprise Baby Shower, I don’t think there are very many people that can pull off a surprise for her.  She’s much like my wife in that matter, nosing around watching the credit card bills around or near her birthday, etc.

In any case the shower was that evening and I mentioned to her that I would love to come photograph her shower if no one else was going to be there to take pictures.  So in turn we surprised the people giving the shower by me showing up in advance, we had this whole back-story built around how my assistant lost the information but I was to see Dwayne and Wendy about payment for my services, it was all too much. Funny thing is and we didn’t realize it at the time but Angel and I had actually gone to Junior High together but never went to High School together and never kept in touch really.  So we were a bit surprised but it was like finding an old lost blanket again, that familiarity and comfort to it.  Anyways when Angel got to the shower and surprise we let the cat out of the bag about me being “her” photographer for the party, all too funny and quite a memory.

Angel’s precious cargo “Sarah” really started the process with me advertising in The Bump and magazine specializing in products and services for new moms.  This has led to countless new friends, we may walk in the door as your photographer but our goal is to leave as lifelong friends.

We had the opportunity to photograph some extremely talented and gifted musicians and artists the last year, Hawk Nelson, Group 1 Crew, Natalie Grant, Tiffany Thurston, Trevor Morgan, Jenna Lucado, Courtney Clark Cleveland, and Anna Trent.  Anna remembered that we had photographed all of the promotional shots for the new season “4 Real” so we were asked to photograph Sandi Patty’s new DVD.  In autumn 2009 Sandi is slated to release her first live DVD, a Christmas concert recorded at First United Methodist Church in Richardson, TX.

What an honor to be part of any of this.  And we get paid to do this, how many people can say they LOVE their job, it is the most amazing thing getting behind the camera and getting to take your picture.

I cannot wait to see what is in store for the next year or 5 or 10 years down the road but I just wanted to say a special thank you to all of you for making this the best year ever.

Life is all about change and the relationships you make, don’t waste a second of it.

“Don’t say you don’t have enough time.  You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein.”  – H. Jackson Brown

Thanks for the precious years ahead and behind,

Stephen Johnson

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we’d be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We’re asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It’s unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we’d be held.

gw suka banget, dan dalam minggu ini lagu natalie grant – held ini udah gw dengerin bejuta kali , hmmmm…. dalem banget

It is a mystery why we fall in love. It is a mystery how it happens. It is a mystery when it comes. It is a mystery why some loves grow and it is a mystery why some loves fail.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do any more than take the life out of the experience. Just as life itself is something more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is something more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share. And just as life itself is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes-hopefully at least once in your life-the gift of love will come to you in full flower and you will take hold of it and celebrate it in all its inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share. More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When this happens, people too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is a gift freely given and a gift that just as freely moves away. When they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to reclaim love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.

They want answers where there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong with them that makes the other person no longer loves them, or they try to get their lover to change, thinking that if some small thing were different love would bloom again. They blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and start a new life together their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what has happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its mysterious ways they live in a sea of misery and emotional angst .

I guess we need to all know this about love and to accept it. You need to treat what it brings you with kindness. If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn’t choose to rest in the other person’s heart.

 If you find someone else in love with you and you don’t love him/her, feel honored love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how love will deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are very different.

If you fall in love with another, and he/she falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not reclaim it or to access blame.  Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know it in time, but time itself will choose the moment.

Remember that you don’t choose love, Love chooses you.

All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing then reach out and give it away. Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who seem poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in any way you can.

This is where I think is where so many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

In the first blush of new love…they are filled to overflowing, but as their love cools they revert seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead become someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away.

Remember this and keep it in your heart I tell myself. Love has its own time, its own season and its own reasons for coming and going.. You cannot bribe it…or coerce it or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it chooses to leave, from the heart of from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and nothing you should do..In the end..love always has been and will always be..from time immortal a mystery. I guess we should all be glad it came to live for a moment maybe longer in our lives…If you keep your heart open..you will extend those moments for months..years..maybe the rest of your and my life…..

Song of the day:

This is the PERFECT WEDDING SONG that I found back in 12th grade.
Listen closely to the lyrics! Gosh, such a lovely song~ 

“I wonder what God was thinking when he created you.
I wonder if he knew everything I would need
because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, must have been thinking about me” 

I hope all of us can say those sweet words at our weddings later

-P.S. 혹시 이 포스트를 보면서.. “헉! 영어다! 길다!” 요러면서 그냥 스크롤 내리신분들 있나요?! ㅋㅋ 나도 블로그나 일기나.. 쓰고 생각하긴 영어/한국말 잘 바꿔가며 쓰면서… 나중에 다시 읽을때 영어부분은 왠만해서는 잘 안 읽는다는….-_-ㅋㅋㅋㅋ 이건 뭥미?!

Bonjour bonjour !

Entre les examens, l’attente des résultats, les cours de conduite, une aide fournie pour filmer des baptêmes, la vie quotidienne, les nouveautés et les préparatifs d’un long mois… voici donc un petit article après un mois d’absence !

Alors, que dire ?

Un présentations de diverses musiques, tout styles différents ? Why not.

Alors, je vous mets… Andy Hunter, Eleventyseven, Joy Williams, Stacie Orrico, Natalie Grant, Barlowgirl, Jaci Velasquez, Zoegirl, Bettany Dillon, Rebecca St James.

Andy Hunter, “Smile” Entre techno et électro :

Eleventyseven, “Here with me”

Un style plus “zen”, quoi que tout dépend…

Joy Williams, “Child of Eden”

Stacie Orrico, “Wthout Love”

Natalie Grant, “Held”

Barlowgirl, “Porcelain heart”

Jaci Velasquez, “Llegar a Ti”

Zoegirl, “Here and now”

Bettany Dillon, “Dreamer”

Rebecca St James, “Wait for me”

Voilà donc des musiques chrétiennes, toutes en anglais “malheureusement”… ;-p

Bonne écoute.

Today is Monday June 29th and I have so much to say……..

Friday: I bought my kids to work with me for them to play in the art studio and because I didn’t have a baby sitter. They love coming with me because they pretty much do whatever they want while they are here and they love to paint and make beautiful art work for me. My owner called a meeting to discuss the state cuts of  funding and the possibility of all of us getting a pay cut.We pretty much all  got the pay cut…so Friday evening  Richard and I along with the girls met up with some friends from Concord (The Ellis family:) for dinner at Sonny’s and a trip to Concord mills. We went with the hope of finding the perfect outfit for our UNBOUND photo shoot. Shauna is my friend from college and we are just as close now (even closer) than we were back in the day…..we lost touch for years and through God’s perfect plan she is now apart of my life again and also UNBOUND. The plan was for the husbands to take the girls into build a bear for outfits only haha! Shauna and I were in the Gap and as we are leaving and making our way back over to where they are we find them with our daughters making ANOTHER BUILD A BEAR! It was a fun evening and we both found outfits pretty quickly (except she bought the first outfit she tried on, and it took me at least 15).

Saturday: I got up and cleaned a bit, read my bible and really took my time getting ready. I usually put my make up on driving down the road so that was a bonus to actually stand in front of my mirror! We met around 11 and I was feeling good about my outfit and how I looked and I think I was honestly just overcome with excitement because this was actually happening.  The pictures were great until I begin to see myself on that stupid camera. The demon of self image attacked me pretty much the entire time we were there. I was ready to be just finished with it all. I knew we had to meet at my house before the  Natalie Grant concert so I was ready to just go home and rest for a few hours. I walked in the door kissed my husband and Rebekah and Rachel  good bye (they were going to work on his moms house with painting etc) I went into the kitchen to get some lunch and I just began to sob like a baby. I was overcome with negative thoughts about myself and it all stemmed from those stupid pictures. I sat down on the couch and for 20 minutes at least I just cried out to my Heavenly father to just hold me and reassure me of how much He loves me. I have not broken down like this in at least a year over. So I composed myself and just sat in silence. In those moments I could all most feel Jesus with me. I have understood the attack from satan in this area because I have struggled with it pretty much my entire life! So once again I had to tell satan to back off me and I just quoted Psalm 45 over and over again…THE KING IS ENTHRALLED WITH  MY BEAUTY!  I then called Gina and dumped it on her. We began to discuss how God has blown us away with all the connections and exciting things He has done. We want nothing more than to be in the center of His will even if it means hurting or in a moment of desperation.

Psalm 51:7 (The Message)

^7-15 Soak me in your laundry and I’ll come out clean,
scrub me and I’ll have a snow-white life.
Tune me in to foot-tapping songs,
set these once-broken bones to dancing.
Don’t look too close for blemishes,
give me a clean bill of health.
God, make a fresh start in me,
shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life.
Don’t throw me out with the trash,
or fail to breathe holiness in me.
Bring me back from gray exile,
put a fresh wind in my sails!
Give me a job teaching rebels your ways
so the lost can find their way home.
Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God,
and I’ll sing anthems to your life-giving ways.
Unbutton my lips, dear God;
I’ll let loose with your praise

It is in that moment that you feel as if nothing can make your situation better or that struggle that seems to plague your mind to the point of tears…God is in the midst waiting for us to turn and rest in Him alone.  I have come from a place of hating myself to a place of freedom in the midst of my struggle. I love the part where it says “Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails” we need to be renewed and we want to feel alive and most importantly FREE!

Now to the good part of Saturday… This year Beauty Within is being held at Gaston College because of the growth and the desire for us to take it into the city!  We have our website up and people are responding! (www.unboundministry.com) We have never before had a “cause” or some type of foundation that we have sponsored.  This year we are partnering with The Home Foundation (http://www.thehomefoundation.net/) Natalie Grant speaks with passion about this foundation because she has seen the eyes of little girls that have been rescued and also seen the faces of many that are in the process of healing…A friend of mine and I attended the Natalie Grant concert in Asheville and she spoke about the foundation there and I knew I had to make the commitment of giving 11 dollars a month to the this foundation. I also knew that God was calling UNBOUND to do this. I asked Gina who is totally mission minded and wants to rescue every person on the face of the earth to take this on. I asked her to contact Natalie and also the Home foundation to get materials for us or anything else that would be helpful to us in this whole thing….The Executive Dir responded with great support and excitement and so now things are in place! We left for the concert with the anticipation of getting to talk with Natalie and we ended up getting to talk to Matthew West a bit too. He gave me his definition of freedom “Freedom is resting in who God made you to be” very cool! Then  Natalie came in to do a  quick “thank you” video regarding the  support from the girls attending the events that choose to donate or partner with the home foundation. We will show this video at the Beauty Within Events in the future as well.  Now everyone who knows me also knows that my favorite artist in the world is Natalie Grant…We laughed because the unbound girls were saying “Holly she probably thinks you are an absolute freak because you twitter her all the time” but she walked in and she remembered meeting me in Asheville so HA!!  I was asked why  she is my favorite..  I truly believe that because of her realness and her obedience to sharing her story it truly opened the wounds of my heart that I had held pretty much my entire life….I began to deal with my struggles because she was bold enough to speak of her own. It was in that moment at a Revolve many years ago that I identified it! I cried like a baby and from that moment on I have become determined to change this world ONE GIRL at a time! So yes Natalie we are bff:) lol ok moving on…

Sunday: Our Pastor preached one of the most amazing sermons I have ever heard him preach! He is working through the book of Daniel and I will just say it was AMAZING! We are in chapter 4 and the title was “the wolf man got saved” Read through it…GOOD STUFF:) I learned something yesterday that I have never before caught it said  in verse ²⁹ Twelve months later, as the king was walking on the roof of the royal palace of Babylon.. Daniel had warned him and advised Him that God was going to humble him if he didn’t repent from his prideful ways and God gave him a year to do this….WOW! I think about all the times we have been involved in something we shouldn’t or talk a certain way to people, or have un-confessed sin of envy, jealousy, greed or bash one another and we think because nothing has come from it must be ok that we haven’t dealt with it…A YEAR later God did deal with him…it says in the very next verse ³¹ The words were still on his lips when a voice came from heaven, “This is what is decreed for you, King Nebuchadnezzar: Your royal authority has been taken from you. ³² You will be driven away from people and will live with the wild animals; you will eat grass like cattle. Seven times will pass by for you until you acknowledge that the Most High is sovereign over the kingdoms of men and gives them to anyone he wishes.”

So today I sit here at my desk, and we were told that we are all pretty much getting a pay cut at work due to the state funding issues and I am ok with it because I know that Jesus has already gone ahead of me and its all good… I know that the Beauty Within will be over the top amazing because Jesus has already gone ahead of me and stirred the hearts of the girls attending and He is providing for it to take place. I know I am beautiful and a masterpiece because my daddy said so in Ephesians 2:10. God has away of comforting His kids just as I do my own. When they fall or need a hug I want them to feel safe in my arms. God is our refuge and when we feel abandoned, broken, hurt and just need a place to feel safe…He is that place Have a great week!  below are the lyrics by my bff song called safe…

Safe by Natalie Grant

How did you know
That I’m all alone today
Oh I feel so scared
And I want to go away
I bleed so deep underneath
My soul is screaming

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I’ll uncover the scars
And show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters
And the bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe

Drowning the tears
Won’t make it go away
It’s robbing my soul
So I’ve taken this mask off my face, Yea
To discover love
And uncover all
It means to live and breathe

I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I’ll uncover the scars
And show you every mistake
Your love has mended my blisters
And the bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe
I am safe
I am safe
I am safe

When You uncovered, I discovered
I am not afraid
But when we’re hiding we end up fighting
To be sane

Yea, Yea
I’m not gonna hide
I’m not gonna run away
I’ll uncover the scars
And show you every mistake
Your love is mending my blisters
And my bruising shame
Here with you
I am safe
I am safe
I am safe
I am safe

Last Saturday we had a yard sale. We had it at Holly and Rich’s. We’ve done these for years literally. This one was very last minute. Last week Chloe had dance on Mon. Tues. and Thurs. we had church Wed. By Friday it was time to prepare, and I didn’t. Mark did everything. Literally. He’d bring something in and I’d say either “yes” or “I didn’t want to sell it.” I was exhausted. To the point I didn’t offer anything to help Friday.

Yard sales are really fun though if you like to people watch and cut up with people. Richard really does and that makes it very entertaining. He and Holly were selling some China that was very valuable. Ya know that stuff that’s “per place setting” prices. Well, someone came up to Rich and enquired about the price. “$4.00” Rich said. “Well, will you take $3.00?” “Well, no. But I will take $5.00.” Someone asked me about the pricing for something and I said “.25.” They walked away. I’m sorry. You can’t go much cheaper than a .25. After it was all said and done Mark was going to take everything that was left to Good Will. Rich told him he didn’t need to do that. He assured him that if he’d just put it on the side of the road, people would come and just pick it up. Sure enough a few minutes later a man pulled up on a moped strapped down with stuff and starts strapping what he could to himself. As much as he could get. Then he drove off. We had a lot of stuff left, but I guess it all got gone.

Between the two families we made at most a couple hundred, and I doubt even that much. There was probably literally several thousand dollars worth of stuff. (when it was purchased) But no one cared. No one cared how excited Holly was when she bought a cute dress when Rebekah was little. Or that American flag party platter I had. Or all the other things that were so special to us, but to another person meant nothing.

This week has been kind of rough. I’ve heard heartbreaking stories of infidelity. Families broken. People hurting. International chaos. I know people personally who are very sick. People have extreme hatred for one another. My dad has lost his job, and so have many other people I know. Our countries finances are in big trouble. Oh, and on top of all of that-Mark got head butted at church playing basketball Monday night. He was playing ball just to relieve stress after he’d found out we need a new coil for our air conditioner. He’s seeing double. Cat scan said nothing broken. But he can’t feel part of his nose, and he’s still seeing double.

I know many people, including myself in serious need of a renewed sense of hope. I praise God that He tells me where to get it-from Him and it’s more obvious to me than it has ever been. The houses built on shifting sand are shifting and collapsing before people’s eyes leaving them utterly shocked and very scared. The people who’ve built their house on the rock, their house is standing. People get confused by what the house is-the house isn’t possessions and things-the house is US.

At our yard sale we knew how valuable all those items were, but we could barely give them away. We couldn’t believe it. People need to know the gift of Jesus. I don’t mean know, I mean KNOW. With every bit of who we are. That we could never afford the lavishness of his generous priceless love, but we can have it. How will they know? Maybe if we would’ve presented our yard sale treasures as just that, they would’ve sold better. But just pilin’ ‘em on a table and saying “buy it if ya want” maybe that wasn’t the best sales pitch. The world is full of evil and problems and struggles for Christians and non-Christians. So, as these people look at this “Jesus” we claim as our Savior, but they still see us with problems, what would make them want Him? The knowing what will happen one day and who we are in Him. The peace that they don’t have. The joy that can’t be bought, and can’t be taken. It’s so backwards. This gift cost us nothing, but it worth more than anything.

See that today, so that they can see that today.

Psalm 9:18 (New International Version)

18 But the needy will not always be forgotten, nor the hope of the afflicted ever perish.

I came to work the last two days (Thursday and Friday) though I was suffering from a very itchy throat and running nose. I was not feeling well but God gave me strength to fulfill my duties.  

Now I’m still recuperating from a very rough week but I can’t help but smile when I remember what happened last night. It was one of the most humbling moments for me. Before the people that I considered family in a city that I learned to love for the last two years, I poured my heart and mind out. One might think it was unnecessary for me to tell people that I did something wrong (or to be more accurate, I think something wrong about a close friend) when in the first place nobody knew about it . And besides, it might be quite trivial to those present last night who were new to the group. However, I thought it was so important to blurt it out ’cause it was bugging me these past days.

I also wanted others to learn that being open is not too scary if we’re telling the truth. It’s scarier to have skeletons in the closet.  Well, in my case for the past few days were skeletons in my mind – doubts and confusions clouding my ability to be rational and to the point of being critical of others. 

So there was a need of a confession though I didn’t plan to do it in front of  many curious eyes and ears. However, it was the perfect timing. I just knew it. It was hard to gather the exact words to show how sorry I was because I started to cry but I knew she got it though she was confused at first why I felt that way.

I felt relieved when she told me it was okay. A thorn was taken away from my heart. I wished I was this honest in the past. I took the risks of being misinterpreted and misjudged but I didn’t care. All I cared for was to be REAL.

I thank the Lord for reminding me to live each day without those masks and be truly FREE. “…where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17.