For exactly 63 days now, at least once a day, I’ll have a sudden rush of energy swell up within me – within the center of my body, between my upper back and my upper chest area and depending on what triggers it, it may produce intense momentary pain. And it scares the hell out of me when it happens.

Now, this particular point began 63 days ago when I was told that I have breast cancer. Every day since then, the fear of dying comes for me to face, and there is much resistance.

Artwork by Mike Lammers
As I’ve been investigating this and asking myself some questions, I’ve come to discover that what I fear losing are the relationships that I have, like my relationship with my daughter and my partner for instance. But what is it that I fear losing exactly? I fear losing control, or rather I fear losing the perception within my mind of being in control.

And I mean, I have placed value in every relationship I have and that value can be measured in energy within the starting point of fear. Fear of losing control and fear of loss.  But the fear of loss is the fear of losing the value / definition I’ve given to myself through the energy of /as the relationship.

Suggest Read: Day 406: Relationship Paranoia Guidelines

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear dying for completely selfish reasons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking my last breath because I see, realize and understand that how I have perceived that moment to be is in fact Not real and exists only within my mind and therefore I commit myself to when and as I see myself triggered by a memory or a thought within the idea and fear of taking my last breath, I stop. I focus on my breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in shame and fear within the need to have or be with someone / in a relationship in order to confirm the definition I have of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed mysefl to hold myself into and with a relationship with my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within an unwillingness to look at my fear of death in self honesty, to see for myself who, what and how I am equal and one with / as my fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of the need to worry over and protect my children, and for the reactions/energetic experience I create for myself as one of being a hero as a result of my fear of losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in my relationships according to the level of manipulation that I’ve used to control others and/or to fulfill my idea/perception of being in control based upon a positive energy experience/charge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use relationships to abdicate taking responsibility for how our current world/money system exists.

I commit myself to let go of and stop worrying over and believing in the urge to protect my children because I see, realize and understand that they’re okay and will be okay and I commit myself to move myself to face all of me.

When and as I see myself participating in a negative energy experience within the fear of dying, I stop. I Breathe. Instead I direct myself to see, realize and understand that it is not possible to lose myself therefore, I commit myself to stand for me in and as breath here.

I commit myself to give myself the chance to forgive my fear of leaving or losing myself.

I commit myself to redirect amd redefine who I am within and as my relationships according to what’s best for all.

Alright, more to come.

__________

Suggested blogs to follow:
Creation Journey to Life
Heaven Journey to Life
Earth Journey to Life
Economist Journey to Life

]]> http://plasticjawline.wordpress.com/2013/06/04/6-4/ Wed, 05 Jun 2013 00:17:11 +0000 Dani Kay http://plasticjawline.wordpress.com/2013/06/04/6-4/

I remember almost being afraid of this ride. It most likely stemmed from one of my petty phobias. This thing is basically a metal shell with a door controlled by someone who probably imagines the gory death of every rider as they sit in the center watching us scream with enjoyment. And it always seemed to take forever. We were locked inside that damn thing for far too long.

The walls of it are slanted so that we could lean against it and slide up as we picked up speed. Some kids thought they were cool enough to do flips and roll around, but they usually were yelled at by the angry carnie. Basically it turned into laying there for minutes that felt like hours, not being able to lift even a finger.

It wasn’t until the end that I would get sick; when it started slowing down and I had to stand back up. I’d play it cool, because no one wants to puke up elephant ears. But I’d immediately veer off to find some shady grass and flop down. I’m glad I have no reason to ride these rides. They cost too much and probably have some sort of long-term health consequence.

So the counselor called me today asking why I didn’t want to continue with her. It was awkward. Then I went to the psychiatrist and she basically asked me the same thing. They both were trying to convince me to still see her, but I definitely don’t want to. I don’t know what to say to them to convince them that I don’t want to see a counselor. I got my meds refilled, too, so that’s good. I also talked to my oncologist and got another anti-nausea med added to what I’m already taking. I’ll have to take meds more often than I already do, but I guess it’ll be worth it.

“Is this it?” I wonder aloud, a little cocky and derisive, still wired from steroids and the powerful anti-nausea drugs raging in my system.  I remember the nurse’s cryptic warning of not sharing the same toilet with family members while excreting toxic chemicals, but I feel like my normal self, slathering on makeup in peace before I prepare the kiddos for school.  I prepare oatmeal with supreme confidence, whistling as I pack lunches with turkey sandwiches and juice boxes.

I’ve been having some very real problems with post-concussion syndrome for the last month or so. I’ve had concussions before (I could rival most hockey players, and that’s not me being cute or funny. I had my first documented one before age 3. My second was acquired by age 4. Way too early a start, believe me.), but the side effects have, up until now, rarely started to slowly change my life. Other than migraines and a lot of the Fibromyalgia/Migraine related side effects that a lot of people are familiar with, I’ve pretty much stayed the course with small doses of weirdness thanks to old gymnastics injuries, but this time around, it has affected so much more than I thought it ever would. Seeing stars the next morning should have clued me in, but I was trying to stay calm and positive. I’m an idiot. You’ll never get me to admit that openly again because I refuse to make the same mistake twice.

My memory is really horrible. Post-It Notes and notebooks are my new best friend, but finding and keeping a pen is hard because I am constantly putting them down, throwing them into my purse, my laptop bag, my nightstand, you get the drift. I can lose and systematically re-locate about ten pens in a day, it’s awful. I go into rooms now and have absolutely no idea why I’m there. It might take me an hour to remember why I walked into the laundry room, the kitchen, or even the bathroom. I just stand there and say “What am I doing here? Did I need something?” I’ll walk upstairs and stand at the top of the staircase with a questioning look on my face, and suddenly remember I need to be downstairs.

The nausea, dizziness, balance/coordination issues are insane. I’ve also noticed some changes in my vision, and in the severity of my headaches, so I am going to get my eyes checked ASAP to make sure everything is status quo. The only thing I should need is a new prescription for contacts and glasses, and hopefully that is all that will be found since I won’t be able to make it out to my normal eye doctor who is familiar with my case and who I trust. I hate not going back to her this time around, but I honestly can’t sit for 45 minutes, or longer, just to get there, and then have to do it all over again to come home. I don’t have the patience to sit and focus, and my pain levels, while significantly lower for now that the weather has gotten a bit tamer, are slowly creeping back up. Stress is not a PCS sufferers’ friend, which rings true for PTSD, and chronic pain of every kind.

Today is a blah day for me, even though it’s gorgeous outside, unlike yesterday where the entire day was primarily dark grey, cloudy, and had more than its fair share of torrential and less intense downpour. I think the world will be a better place if I just stay in my room until I calm down from whatever it is that set me off. I’d rather growl at the right people, as opposed to those who don’t deserve it. Call it community service. LOL.

staggering to the bathroom while smacking into walls, grabbing the bucket or watering can you’ve left sitting next to the tub to remind you the plants are thirsty, but then peeling off your  jammies because the heat has suddenly become unbearable and sweat is dripping down your sides while your skin turns cold and clammy, using that bucket to hold your head because nothing is forthcoming, and you can wish that someone would hit the EPO on the gyroscope that spins behind your eyes, sending them skittering side to side like a manic carriage of a long-forgotten typewriter, and you also wish for a mute button to silence the incessant ringing in ears that for a time can’t hear the low frequencies of the white noise generator but can hear the higher pitch of someone breathing–only then, my friends, will you know how I feel when I have an attack of acute vertigo.

Two major twirls and one minor merry-go-round in the past month. The attacks usually last a couple of hours, but the return to equilibrium takes a day or three. Have scheduled appointments with an audiologist for a hearing test, balance tests, and an ENT. Hope to discover the cause and nip these suckers in the bud.

My posting has been (and is going to be) more sporadic, since I’m doing “real” work first, and I can never tell when the gremlins are going to take me for a spin.

I’m reminded of Virginia Woolf’s essay, “On Being Ill,” where she writes: 

“Considering how common illness is, how tremendous the spiritual change that it brings, how astonishing, when the lights of health go down, the undiscovered countries that are then disclosed, what wastes and deserts of the soul a slight attack of influenza brings to light…it becomes strange indeed that illness has not taken its place with love, battle, and jealousy among the prime themes of literature. Novels, one would have thought, would have been devoted to influenza; epic poems to typhoid; odes to pneumonia, lyrics to toothache. But no; … literature does its best to maintain that its concern is with the mind; that the body is a sheet of plain glass through which the soul looks straight and clear.”

Here are a few tips for relief of the most common pregnancy complaints:  nausea, constipation, and heartburn.

Nausea and “morning sickness”:

• Dry carbohydrates such as crackers can help soothe nausea
• Avoid eating big meals, focus on small and frequent meals
• Try not to drink too much fluids while eating, drink most fluids in between meals
•  Sometimes certain odors effect different women, once you learn what smells trigger your nausea stay away from those!
• Try popping a small candy or gum in your mouth

Constipation:

• Getting adequate fiber and water can help tremendously
•  You should be making sure that your fluid intake is enough to meet your higher metabolic needs
• Getting up and moving around a little can stimulate peristalsis and moving along of your intestines (only exercise as much as your physician allows)! Be careful with any sort of over-the-counter medications such as laxatives, only do so in allowance by your physician
•  If you need to go, then go when you feel the urge. If it’s “inconvenient” at that time, and you wait, you may have a hard time defecating when you try later

Heartburn:

• Don’t lie down after eating. Wait at least one hour or more
• Avoid certain foods that are likely to trigger heartburn, such as fatty or spicy foods
• Avoid chocolate and caffeine (caffeine is usually not recommended during pregnancy)
• The same for nausea, eat small meals frequently, and make sure you are chewing your food thoroughly and slowly
• If waking up with heartburn, try elevating your head while sleeping
• Do not wear tight fitting clothes

Talk to your Physician if you are having extreme or abnormal problems. Physician’s advice always comes first!

Many people not only suffer from day to day anxiety that effects the way we function, but we also suffer from the anxiety attack… this is a severe form of concentrated anxiety that causes a huge amount of symptoms of anxiety all at once.  Sometimes, these panic attacks are so awful that they require hospitalization.  Symptoms of an anxiety attack can make people think they are suffering from a heart attack, a brain tumor or even mimic diseases such as MS.  Interestingly, most sources site the intense feelings of an anxiety attack as “harmless” and “not remotely dangerous”.  I would disagree, as would anyone who has true suffered from this type of episode.

Let me share an example…

Snakes send me into a massive freak out.  I’ve only ever seen three that weren’t in a zoo or behind glass in some sort of display.  When we were living in North Carolina, I decided to go wash my car.  On the drive home, I was in a great mood, with the windows down, enjoying a mild spring day.  As I went to turn into the driveway of our apartment complex, I noticed a long black hose across the entrance.  I didn’t think much of it as I approached the dark shiny object and then all of the sudden my brain screamed “that’s not a hose, it’s a SNAKE!”.  All in an instant, I tried to reason with myself that there was no possible way that a snake that big was sunning itself across our driveway.  It covered the entire width!  And yet, as I slowed down, rolling up my window and looking behind me, the “hose” was gone… it had indeed been a snake.

Holy crap!  Did I run it over?!  Did it slither away?!  WAS IT UNDER MY CAR?!  That had to be it!  That huge snake was stuck underneath my car, just waiting to attack me for trying to run it over!  FREAK OUT!  I drove to Travis’ work, talking to him inbetween gasps for air.  He met me outside and checked for the snake, crawling underneath the car in a shirt and tie, and assuring me there was nothing there.  He opened the driver’s side door and tried to help me out, but I started hyperventilating and could not exit the vehicle.

He eventually got me to slide into the passenger seat and drove me to urgent care.  I was in total full blown anxiety attack by this point… barely getting any oxygen as I gasped for air and still sure that snake was waiting underneath the car to attack me as I got out of the car.  Talking about it now, I know that the entire thought was ridiculous.  In the moment, it was very real and I was in grave danger.  I have no idea how Travis got me out of the car and into the urgent care.  They rushed me back immediately and gave me sedatives via injection until I calmed down and could take a deep breath.  I don’t remember the specifics, but somehow I made it home.  Thankfully, Travis has always been accepting of my irrationality, especially during an attack.  Even if I’m being absolutely ridiculous.  My anxiety went up every time I entered or exited our apartment complex until we moved.

Anxiety attacks and panic attacks are essentially the same thing… some would say a panic attack is a severe anxiety attack, but in reality, the terms are interchangeable.  The following is a list of things that can happen during one of these attacks:

Rapid, pounding heartbeat.

Feeling of your heart being squeezed or pressured.

Chest pains, often sharp pains in the center of the chest.

Intense sweating with possible hot/cold sensations.

Lightheadedness, possibly with confusion.

Feeling as though you cannot get a deep breath.

Weakness, tingling, or numbness in the arms and legs.

Dizziness, possibly along with feeling faint.

Burning sensations that travel through the skin and muscles.

Intense feeling of doom – as though something terrible is about to happen.

Trouble concentrating or focusing on anything other than your symptoms.

The impulse of feeling like you need to escape, or you need a doctor.

Trouble listening/hearing, sometimes while feeling as though your ears are plugged.

Overwhelming fear – a level of anxiety that can convince you of something terrible.

Depersonalization, also known as feeling as though you’re watching yourself.

Feelings of going crazy or that your mind is failing you.

Nausea and stomach discomfort, possibly with pain.

Head pressure as though your head is being squeezed.

Pressing need to urinate or defecate.

Trouble holding your head up.

Fitting enough to ignore the typos.

I am not looking for sympathy or pity.  I am using my blog to talk about my own anxiety and depression in hopes that I can help others and work towards removing some of the stigma of mental illness.

I will be making a blog post as part of this “series” every Monday.  Please feel free to comment, share your own stories or share the blog as you see fit.

I do not pretend to be an expert; I am just a woman living with mental illness.  I am also a wife, a sister, a kitty mama, a friend, a college graduate,  a graduate student in genetics, a human being, a photographer…

Washington, June 3 (ANI): Researchers have presented opposing viewpoints regarding the use of acupuncture for pain relief.

I’d be more motivated to take my pills if they were heart-shaped. . . and pink. . .

Well, I’m back on my antibiotics.  I had a few days’ break from taking them, because my pharmacy was being extra-slow in re-filling them. . . that and I kind of waited until I was out of them to ask for a refill. : P

I’ve learned a bit from the experience.  Outside of the pills, I actually feel pretty great now.  In fact, the past few days have felt absolutely wonderful!  I was even able to spend Saturday night swing dancing away for hours with friends at a party.  So much fun!  But then my pills came in. . .

Took the first dose this morning.  Wow.  When I first started on ‘em I didn’t notice any side effects, ’cause I felt so bad already.  But now that I feel great without them I can see the difference.  Apparently my pills are what’s making me extremely dizzy and nauseous now. . . Hm.  Now it’s kind of hard to motivate myself to take my pills. . . I mean, come on!  If I don’t take them I can swing dance, if I do take them I feel like crap.  -___________-

This isn’t my collection, but mine’s a tad bigger. : P

Don’t worry, I’m going to keep taking my antibiotics, and all the other supplements I’m on.  Lyme isn’t something you simply cure, you have to kill off all the little bacterias destroying the body.

If I stop taking my antibiotics before we kill off all the beasties, then the enemy will simply multiply again and continue the destruction.  So I’ll take all my pills, I’ll exercise, I’ll eat healthy, and I’ll beat this Lyme into the ground. ^_^

Meanwhile, I’ll just have to keep holding back my giggles in church.  Today, in the middle of the sermon, my vision kind of went whacky.  The entire front of the church seemed to be swaying back and forth like a boat in the middle of the sea.

On top of that, I had a large foggy white see-through-ish blur on the bottom half of my line of sight in the shape of a whale.  I named him Roberto.  I had a hard time pulling my mind from focusing on the whale and the ocean motion and onto the sermon instead, but I think I succeeded fairly well.  Can’t wait until I kick this Lyme thing and experience listening to a sermon unhindered.

Oh, one more thing.  I really need to get my eyes checked just in general, not in relation to the Lyme.  I was sitting in church with my family a little further back from the middle row.  When Pastor got up to the pulpit I did a double-take.  He was wearing a giraffe print tie. . . Big brown blotches on a mustard yellow background.  I was a little confused, I mean, when was the last time he wore animal print to church?

Well . . . Apparently it wasn’t giraffe print.  Later on in Sunday School I was sitting three rows from the front and could see much better.

The tie was similar to this. Clearly NOT giraffe print. hehe

It’s a paisley print tie.  Very detailed little blue (I think it was blue) paisleys on a mustard yellow background.  Oops.  The paisley looked a whole lot nicer than giraffe print!

Keep up the prayers!  I can always use ‘em!

~LymeDiseaseWarrior

There’s no fever, just a daze and an unfamiliar face in the mirror. All of my limbs become lead, impossible to move. And I’m scared to move, because the whole world is spinning around me like a night of too many tequila shots. The spins can last for hours, days, a week.

I could end up losing my job, too dizzy to even tie a shoe lace. I can’t stop throwing up, anything, everything, nothing in my stomach. When I’m half asleep I can feel when it starts; When I turn over in bed the nausea starts, like waking up from a nightmare.

If there were ever such a thing as madness, I have truly felt it, down to the marrow of my bones. It lives with me, but I haven’t told anyone that I’ve felt it seeping out lately, because it scares me.

How many IV’s, dark rooms, Dramamine pills? There is no cure to silence the ocean in me, the sound of a viola ringing in my ears.

Perhaps I picked up too many seashells as a child to listen to the whisper of the sea, but now all I hear is the echo of the hurricane brewing inside me.

One day last week began the same as every other weekday morning around here.  A breakdown of the routine: I somewhat reluctantly pull myself out of bed, throw on my robe, trip down the stairs for my morning cup of caffeine and join my husband to catch the early news. He showers, dresses, gives me a hug and a peck and heads out for his office in town. I then pour myself another cup of caffeine and head upstairs to shower, dress and tackle whatever the plan for the day might be.

This particular morning was different though. I didn’t turn the television off before going into the kitchen and while pouring myself another cup of that magical potion that turns me into a (semi) morning person, I happened to hear a bit of local news that caught my attention. I hurried back, flopped down on the sofa and glanced over at the fireplace.

Let me state here and now that I was NOT wearing my glasses. To date, I’ve only needed glasses for reading and was under the impression that my eyesight was fairly good.

So I glance at the fireplace and a patch of white where the top of the wall meetings the ceiling catches my eye. Hmmm, I think to myself, that’s rather peculiar. And I go right back to watching the television. At the end of the news story, I stand up and glance back over to the wall. This is when I notice that the wall seems to be moving. I grab my glasses, shove them onto my face and peer long and hard at the wall. My blood runs cold and I hear myself say “Oh my Jesus” – for, in fact, the wall is indeed moving!

I grab my cell phone and run screaming from the room like a little girl. I slam the door shut and text my husband: “THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE”. Being the considerate spouse that he is, he asks me “How big are his ears”? I am NOT amused. It is now 8am and I demand that he return home immediate to deal with the situation. He informs me that there is no way he can possibly leave the office before 1pm! Nausea and panic are on the menu for me today, it seems.

Then I realize that I can’t see the snake from the kitchen, so I rush upstairs, throw on some clothes and my Wellies, rush back downstairs and out the front door to peer through the window. Yep, he was still there but now, it’s not his white belly I see but his face staring right at me. I AM TERRIFIED OF SNAKES! I begin to cry and wish that my Daddy were still alive so I could call him to come save me. Every so often, I wipe my eyes, blow my nose and text an update of the situation to my husband. He finally suggests that I get the broom and poke the snake to make him leave. My response: “YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND IF YOU THINK I’M GETTING CLOSE ENOUGH TO POKE THAT SNAKE WITH A BROOM. IT’S A BIG SNAKE!”

Eventually, I decide that I should photograph it so that I will have proof that it is, indeed, a large snake – because, apparently, my idea of a large sized snake does not coincide with the opinions of my husband and son.

The roots of the chestnut tree were sunk in the ground just under my bench. I couldn’t remember it was a root any more. The words had vanished and with them the significance of things, their methods of use, and the feeble points of reference which men have traced on their surface.

The passage above is from Jean-Paul Sartre’s novel Nausea. The narrator Roquentin experiences a sort of awakening and is no longer able to see things as he had before. The significance of the root, the bench, the grass – the life of material reality as things – leaves him, and he is overwhelmed. This kind of revelation is a common theme in existential writing; Nietzsche (as Zarathustra) experienced a ‘great disgust’; Camus called it the absurd. In a sense, this of experience is a kind disillusionment – a realization that we ourselves create the meaning attached to objects – a loss of the visual language that allows us to put things in their place in the world. This visual language is called narrative.

Human life is fueled by narrative, and it is tied up inextricably with language. Words are symbols that allow us to refer to things in the world, and these things in turn become symbols (or, if you like, they already are symbols). Objectively, what we see around is us just matter – it is chaos until we shape it with categories of things. And these things fit into the larger narrative that is a life. A life that is arranged chronologically, with dates and phases and ages. There are events in it – personal events, larger ones far away – which we incorporate into its structure. The idea of a life seems like such a natural one that it takes a bit of reflection to realize that it is a fabrication. Humans construct our lives, interpret them and observe them from the outside – and they become stories.

George Orwell offered us a glimpse of this story-making, in rather deep relief, in his essay Why I Write:

I was carrying out a literary exercise of a quite different kind: this was the making up of a continuous ‘story’ about myself, a sort of diary existing only in the mind. I believe this is a common habit of children and adolescents. As a very small child I used to imagine that I was, say, Robin Hood, and picture myself as the hero of thrilling adventures, but quite soon my ‘story’ ceased to be narcissistic in a crude way and became more and more a mere description of what I was doing and the things I saw. For minutes at a time this kind of thing would be running through my head: ‘He pushed the door open and entered the room. A yellow beam of sunlight, filtering through the muslin curtains, slanted on to the table, where a match-box, half-open, lay beside the inkpot. With his right hand in his pocket he moved across to the window. Down in the street a tortoiseshell cat was chasing a dead leaf’, etc. etc.

This exaggerated kind of narration may not be common to everyone, certainly not such an awareness of it, but I have a feeling a lot of artists would recognize the memory. Orwell understood how to take the elements of his reality and consciously order them into something cohesive, something significant. A natural transition then, between living and creating. The act of crafting something with the express purpose of showing it off cannot help but incorporate glimpses of the human who devised it. All art steals its meaning, its sense of significance, from life. To cite another author, Shelby Foote complained that the difference between how he was writing and what actual Civil War historians tended to write was a sense of narrative. The historians told plain facts, whereas Foote told stories using the facts, which makes his three-volume The Civil War: A Narrative much easier to read than his source materials.

Art is glued together by the same narrative structure as life. In fact, I think that art is narrative: art objects do not exist that do not take advantage of a narrative sense. Art is a crystallization of real-life things, transfigured as Botstein says, but nevertheless made from the same language that we use every day. Art objects, stories, become integrated with our lives so well because they tap into something fundamental about how the human brain works. This is why art is gripping, why it can be transcendent: we recognize the reflection of reality in it.

This isn’t limited to things that look like real objects, as in a realist painting. No matter how convincing a facsimile it is, an art object is always laced with multiple narratives. But there is one thread that is common to all of them; that is, the relationship that the viewer has to the artist. Through art, we become aware of the existence of the creator and the mind whose product the art is. One is perhaps not always aware of this side of the story, but it is there all the same. A person, or many, create an object from the fabric of their lives – an accumulation of knowledge and references and inspirations and sentiments and opinions.

But are video games narrative too? It’s hard to tell, and the difficulty is complicated by the word game. Because there is a distinction to be made between games and stories. One of these uses narrative, the other does not. A game unfolds in a one-way interaction with the user, or like Roger Ebert’s beloved chess, in an interaction between two people. This is very much like a conversation: a game uses a system of rules and symbols which the player manipulates toward an objective. Games are played. Stories on the other hand are explored, and they use narrative no matter how they are told. They unfold through their encounter with the mind of the receiver, and they have the potential to profoundly alter that mind. The most powerful among them weave themselves into the atmosphere around us; they can change our moods and combine with the current frame of people and places and even smells that define the parts of our lives. Smell is linked with memory because of the structure of the human brain; I don’t know for certain, but I think stories must be similarly linked. We are hardwired to identify with them.

It would be impossible to say that stories and games never converge. Who hasn’t played a childhood game using only one’s imagination? The most obvious intersection of the two can be found in video games. But not all of them. Early games like Pong and Pac-Man, and modern time-wasters like Bejeweled are all about gaming and not at all about a story. Skyrim and Bioshock Infinite are very different. Games like these focus on the exploration of engrossing stories, which the user uncovers through the gameplay. All stories must be told – you listen to them, or read them, or watch them – and since the middle of the last century, you can play them. Gameplay gets more creative, more adventurous every year. Interesting and engaging gameplay is as important to the narrative of a video game as euphony is to that of the novel, or as cinematography is to a film.

This brings me to what seems to be the area of highest contention in the discussion of video games as art. Roger Ebert argued that because video games are played, therefore they are only games. But the great ones – those that we talk about, that we get excited for and revisit often – are much more than that. The pith of these is narrative, and the feeling they incite is alike to that of art. It doesn’t matter whether a game makes us more cultured, as Ebert thought good art should. Neither must we prove we’ve learned something, some skill or quality, after having played it. Leon Botstein and Oscar Wilde both agree on the point that “All art is quite useless.” Video games are no exception – they only reflect the spectator, the player. For that reason, I say that video games, as stories, cannot help but be art.

Another busy week, another step closer to that 12-week mark. It’s funny, I feel the nausea, the tiredness, the plethora of food aversions and all of the other pregnancy symptoms that hit you in these first weeks, but until I have that 12-week scan and the reassurance that everything is ok, I’m still not convinced that I haven’t made all of this up. Only 3 weeks to go!

I had two brilliant workouts this week. I have been training with a friend, Laura, who is 20 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy and who I used to train with before she fell pregnant and was waiting for me to catch up! We used to train extremely hard – Saturday mornings at 7am was one of our best, sprinting, rowing, lifting, pushing ourselves to the absolute maximum before collapsing in a heap an hour later. It’s wonderful to be teaming up again, even though I look slightly ridiculous standing there with the smallest of paunches where my 8 week old little one is hiding, whilst Laura is working out beside me with a beautiful 28 week bump!

It’s easy to lose motivation when you are tired and nauseous but watching Laura blossom throughout her pregnancy and knowing how fit and healthy she is has reminded me how important it is to keep going, to stay fit and strong, even though at times it requires some steely determination.

This week, I have been reading more about Borg’s Scale of Perceived Exertion. Although I do wear a heart-rate monitor (more as a comfort and cross-check than anything else), Borg’s Scale measures how hard you are working during exercise. The general rule of thumb, which Calum keeps reminding me as I check my heart-rate from time to time, is that you should be able to hold a conversation whilst exercising; if you are unable to do that, then you are most likely working too hard. Calum will engage me in some small talk from time to time and I know that he is checking just that, even though he knows and I know that I am well aware of my own fitness level and I would not push myself too hard.

According to BabyCentre, provided that you are not starting a new exercise regime and you have been exercising regularly before you became pregnant, you should aim to exercise between points 12 – 14 on Borg’s scale, which should also mean that you can continue a normal conversation whilst exercising.

Prior to this pregnancy, I would probably have been working out at between 13 and, on some of my crazier days, 19 and I can remember how that feels. I am certainly not pushing myself to anywhere near those levels, and probably remain at about 12/13 at a maximum. My heart-rate stays at between 130 – 140 but sometimes goes over 140bpm for short periods of time, usually at the end of a set and followed by a minute’s rest and a big drink of water.

Probably my best monitoring tool this week has been working out with Laura; we seem to have so much to catch up on each week that holding a conversation whilst working out is almost a constant for us!

My diet this week has been up and down. My body is still craving plain, simple meals and I still have a strong aversion to cooking any meat (which slightly limits the family’s menu choices!). However, this week I did manage to cook some chicken soup from scratch – proper, homemade stock from our roast chicken leftovers at the weekend, combined with carrots, celery, onions, garlic and parsley. Although I struggled somewhat with the process and had to hold my nose from time to time when stirring the concoction, the end result was amazing and I felt stuffed full of nutrients and that magic feeling that homemade chicken soup gives you. Delicious. Tonight is another soup night but a nice, simple roasted tomato soup. I can’t wait.

But the drink aisle at the supermarket is filled with far more than H20, and health claims screaming from labels aren’t always what they seem. More antioxidants! More polyphenols! More electrolytes! The list goes on and on. But underneath the label can be a very different story; not every drink is as good for you as you think. After all, if 7UP has to take its “antioxidant” product off the shelves for misleading consumers, we’re sure that other drinks are just as dubious.

Hidden in some of these drinks are artificial colors, flavorings, and sweeteners (like aspartame), which many interest groups (like the Center for Science in the Public Interest) warn against in their chemical lists. And in some of these drinks, the mass production simply strips away the nutrients you think you’re getting. Think that fruit juice is the real deal? Not so much when it’s pasteurized and stripped of its fibers and natural fructose. But it’s harder to detect the health pros and cons when labels are deceiving; for example, coconut water boasts its potassium content but studies have shown that many brands don’t actually contain that same amount as what’s on the label.

Even worse, the everyday drinks you pick up at the store may be linked to some more serious health problems than you can imagine. Obviously, obesity and sugar are the most prominent in the discussion; after all, why else would New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg have gone after large sugary drinks? But sodas aren’t the only drink stuffing in tons of sugar – your morning OJ may never taste the same once you realize what’s in it.

But the health crisis extends much further than that – infertility problems, heart attacks, cancer, and stroke can all be traced back to the drinks in the supermarket aisle. Click through our list of surprisingly unhealthy drinks, and consider yourself warned.

Soy Milk

What makes soy milk a good alternative to dairy milk? Besides being allergy-friendly for the lactose intolerant, it packs in the protein, is cholesterol-free, and has heart-healthy omega-3s. But that doesn’t mean soy is all good news. Of course, soy got the most attention when it was linked to breast and prostate cancer, thanks to its phytoestrogen. Because prostate and breast cancer are hormonally driven cancers, doctors have warned against drinking soy milk for fear it would make breast cancer cells spread.

And the bad news doesn’t stop there for the dudes: soy has also been linked to infertility. Isoflavones, of which soy milk has plenty, have been linked to decreased fertility in some animal studies. Men’s Health also notes that soy is not just to blame for just decreased sperm count; it may also interfere with testosterone levels and cause some er, some sexual dysfunction. Yikes.

And it goes without saying that those flavored soy milks? Yeah, those added calories and sugars aren’t doing much for you.

Store-Bought Orange Juice

We know, that bright glass of orange juice every morning seems pretty harmless – until you start digging deeper. The history of orange juice is quite surprising: orange juice wasn’t a mainstay in the American diet until the 1950s. OJ from concentrate was first introduced to World War II soldiers, who needed extra vitamin C – and orange farmers needed to get a surplus of oranges off their hands, reports the Los Angeles Times. When orange juice became pasteurized (and easy to sell, like cartons of milk), it became a gold mine.

However, commercially produced orange juice contains more than just nutrients. A book, Squeezed: What You Don’t Know About Orange Juice, revealed that companies will often add in chemicals and flavors back into OJ during the pasteurization process, just to make it that much more appealing to the taste buds. While those are usually heavily guarded trade secrets, one popular flavoring agent added back in is ethyl butyrate, with the added scent of pineapple, to make it sweeter. Oh, that’s appealing. The Florida Department of Citrus fought back on some of those claims back in 2011 to the Huffington Post, saying that they simply take the “orange aroma, orange oil from the peel, and pulp” that’s separated from the juice and add it back in after pasteurization to enhance the flavor.

And again, it all comes down to sugar: one study in 2008 found that drinking just one glass of orange juice per day increased a person’s risk for diabetes by 24 percent. It’s no secret that OJ and other juices can make blood sugar levels rise – it’s even recommended for diabetics crashing with low blood sugar levels as a way to get them back up.

Coconut Water

The world’s gone nuts for coconut water (including one Tom Haverford on Parks and Rec, who keeps a whole shelf stocked with it), but is it worth it? It probably shouldn’t be a shocker that packaged coconut water is loaded with more sugar than you need. Compared to natural coconut water (as in what you can’t find in a box), packaged coconut water can have up to twice the amount of sugar. Packaged coconut water can also be lacking in fiber, compared to natural coconut water.

What makes coconut water so healthy is that it’s loaded with potassium, which is key for rehydration. As Mother Nature Network points out, potassium helps to balance the electrolytes in the body (it’s the same stuff you find in sports drinks). But a study from ConsumerLab.com found that two popular commercial coconut waters, O.N.E. Coconut Water and Vita Coco, didn’t deliver the amount of electrolytes promised on the label. Considering that’s coconut water’s gleaming health benefit, it’s slightly unnerving that you’re not getting what you think.

Bottled Tea

We know, after all the hype and excitement over the health benefits of tea, you think you’re getting the same health-boosting kick from bottled tea. Don’t believe it – those Big Gulp-sized Arizona Teas aren’t doing any favors for your body. A presentation at the 2010 American Chemical Society meeting showed some scary facts: while bottled teas have fewer chemicals than home-brewed tea (thanks to mass production), they’re stripped of the natural goodness that makes them so healthy. That means they’re without the antioxidants and polyphenols that do the booty-kicking of cancer and other diseases. In the study presented, the researchers found that bottled teas contained as little as 3 milligrams, and as much as 81 milligrams, of polyphenols. If that sounds like a lot, consider this: home-brewed black or green tea will contain anywhere between 50 and 150 milligrams – not even close. That means you’d have to drink about 20 cups of bottled tea to get the amount of polyphenols you get from just one cup of homebrewed tea.

The reason behind the missing polyphenols? Polyphenols in general are bitter-tasting, so manufacturers add tons of sugar to cover up the taste – and even decrease the amount of tea in the actual bottle. So, if you’re a fan of sugar water, keep going for those teas. If you really do want to keep drinking bottled tea, Men’s Health commissioned a bottled tea test to find which teas contained the most antioxidants and polyphenols (including ECGC, a known fighter against cancer) and came up with a helpful list.

Fruit Juices

Let’s think about the pros of fruit juices: Yes, they have vitamins you may not normally get elsewhere. Yes, they have antioxidants and polyphenols (i.e. grape juice). Yes, they have living enzymes (if they’re fresh-squeezed).

But what do they also have? More fructose than you’ll ever need. In fact, studies in 2009 and 2010 declared that fruit juice was about as healthy as a can of Coke. Say what now? “It’s pretty much the same as sugar water,” said Dr. Charles Billington, an appetite researcher at the University of Minnesota to the Los Angeles Times in 2009. He went onto say that the modern diet shouldn’t include fruit juices – there’s no need. Although fruit juice contains naturally occurring fructose, it’s the added sucrose from juice concentrates that can pack on the sugar that’s so destructive. Take a glass of apple juice, says Natural News: a typical glass of commercial apple juice will have as much fructose as you would find in six apples – but lacks the necessary fiber and enzymes the liver needs to process all that fructose. Said one researcher to the LA Times, the body has time to process the fructose from a piece of fruit, but fruit in liquid form overwhelms the liver.

The biggest health difference between fresh-squeezed and packaged, however, is in the processing. Fresh-squeezed juices still have some pulp that contains the most nutrients. However, from fruit to juice, the pasteurization process can kill the necessary nutrients you need from fruit. We say, if you want the vitamins and minerals, bite the fruit with your teeth – don’t sip it through a straw.

Sports Drinks

We’ve been over this before: when in doubt after your workout, reach for the H20. The truth is, while sports drinks are beneficial for reloading the body with electrolytes and potassium, most people don’t need them. The reason? Your workouts should be at least 60 minutes – and that’s going at high intensity – for the body to actually need to replenish all those lost electrolytes and potassium. If you’re not going hard at the marathon training, chances are you’re just filling up on unnecessary sugars, carbs, and calories.

And that’s not all that sports drinks are loaded with: The Daily Meal’s look into several popular brands of sports drinks found that some (like Propel Zero) are merely a laundry list of artificial ingredients, like added flavoring, sugars, and even caffeine.

What’s even trickier is that the research behind sports drinks’ claims is somewhat convoluted – while many say that they do work to help the body recover after a workout, some say those studies are puffed up by the companies making the drinks. As the British Medical Journal found this past summer, some of those studies done by companies (take the Gatorade Science Institute) couldn’t even back up their claims with hard evidence. After all, if your body is truly thirsty, its thirst-regulating mechanisms will take over and let you know when you need water.

Powdered Beverage Mixtures

In English, that means your beloved Crystal Light. So what’s the verdict on powdered beverage mixtures? It depends. The biggest selling-point behind Crystal Light and other beverage additives is that they encourage hydration by making water taste like, well, not water. And if getting that eight glasses of water per day is a tough goal to meet, a Crystal Light packet may help. But the ingredients may make you take pause. Not only is it filled with artificial flavors and sweeteners, it’s also filled with many ingredients that make health experts cringe. Aspartame (side effects include headaches, anxiety, abdominal pain, nausea, heart palpitations, and irritable bowel syndrome among other pleasant things), acesulfame potassium (which contains a known carcinogen), phenylalanine (a protein that’s generally safe, but toxic in high doses and not recommended for pregnant women and breast-feeding mothers) all make the cut. And yes, those scary colorings – like Yellow 5, Yellow 6, Blue 1, and Red 40 – that have been said to cause cancer and tumor growth and are on the no-no list of the interest group Center for Science in the Public Interest make an appearance as well. We say, just skip the flavor packets and add a lemon or cucumber slice to your H20.

Diet Soda

Let this serve as your PSA, you Diet Coke fiends: just stop it. This is not good for you. Let us count the ways.

Besides the laundry list of artificial ingredients and sweeteners, there’s a whole slew of health conditions linked back to diet soda. The most recent (and disturbing) news? In a recent study that followed 2,500 New Yorkers for 10 years, those who drank diet soda every day were more likely to have a stroke, a heart attack, or even die from a cardiovascular disease. That’s serious stuff. And when those results were adjusted for smoking, weight, exercise, and other dietary factors, the stats were still the same – diet soda can wreak havoc on more than just your waistline. Another study published in Diabetes Care journal found that diet soda drinkers were more likely to develop metabolic syndrome and type 2 diabetes.

But speaking of that waistline, the fake sugars in that Diet Coke really do a lot of damage to your weight – not quite the effect you’d hope from something labeled “diet.” The Atlantic illuminated how artificial sugars can really change your brain’s chemistry, namely, the reward center of the brain. After watching brain scans of 24 healthy, young adults given only saccharin and other sugar-free sweeteners, the researchers saw a decrease in activity in the brain’s reward center. It’s been shown that slower activity in the reward of the center fosters obesity, because once the brain is fooled with those tricky non-sucrose sweeteners, it’s harder to regulate food intake.

-Marcy Franklin, The Daily Meal

Our century is filled with formulas for living, statistical  empirical studies, tests and proofs of what brings happiness, what constitutes the good life that, you may notice, provided you don’t get caught in the hype, only corroborate age old wisdom for happy happening, found in every cultures and especially religious traditions/institutions, like marriage, going to church/synagogue and other rituals, respect of the elders etc…   The promise of Seligman’s learned optimism against learned helplessness, started with humanistic psychology, has degenerated into the overly statistical science of happiness, known as positive psychology.

• Existential Nausea

I can’t help but cringe, and even experience a feeling of existential nausea at these emotionless tests, especially on bad days, when I score low and find only one way to thwart my guilty feelings of inadequacy: going back to the roots. Probably, one unforeseen advantage, for me, of positive psychology . Who would have thought: a secular religion of happiness can make you become ‘religious’ again [ the Jewish concept of teshuva] in this blatantly Western secular age! Am I the only one in this case? Was it the goal of the empiricist research studies of positive psychology? Is positive psychology, the foremost trend in psychology, reactionary? One must not forget the roots of positive psychology in religion and moral teachings. A return to morality?  What is sure is that the positive psychology self-help glib heuristics derived from these studies lack cruelly the up-lifting poetry in religion which, paradoxically, is far more capable of leaving enough gaps for errance, wandering and wonderment: free will.  Call me reactionary, I don’t care. It’s all heuristics anyway! We’re coming full or fool circle. What’s next? I concede, here, with the Chinese Taoist proverb that:

Things will develop in the opposite direction when they become extreme (Chinese proverb).

• A Return to the Will

What should have been geared to distract us from the heaviness of the woulda, coulda, shoulda lot of everyday human complaining towards com’n playing, paradoxically reinforces the defeat of the will. This new psychology might increase the ‘happiness set point’ in the statistics, whatever the artificial heuristics, but at what cost?: too left-brainy for me (a metaphor) and deterministic. So, another unexpected (heuristic, yes) advantage of positive psy. and the like, as I see it, if we are constantly turned outside to get our vision of the good life, is failing with this vision. Ah! the proverbial art of detours! Indeed we should welcome as a blessing the imitation vision ‘actually’ not ‘actualizing’ and learn to go inward to see a vision that is truly ours and then experience turning it into a reality with the least resistance. To realize that riches are, readily, within us: this is ‘awakening’. In a time of mercantile brainwashing where reliance on all things external (others, psys, gurus, other’s products, technology etc…) is the motto, the realization that self-realization is at the core of our lives is salutary.

Too Heavy: Need a little Comic Relief 

Dave Gorman in the Astrology Experiment uses all the tricks of statistical engineering to prove that actually there is some basis to Astrology. Enjoy.

Lin Yutang Wisdom Heuristics

• Pseudo-scientific formulations and Humour

Lin Yutang a pre- humanistic/positive psychology thinker, master of dudeness, who wrote his The Importance of Living in the sulfurous pre-second world war, voiced, in a tongue-in-cheek essay ‘Awakening’, his objection on “the limited utility of intelligence tests [today happiness tests]” because of “their claim to mathematical accuracy [deterministic] or constant dependability as measures of human personality”(TIOL p.5,note1). What he further develops about pseudo-scientific formulations could constitute a pseudo-theory or manifesto, in the make, on heuristics, with some of their utilities and limits:

 As pure ventures in pseudo-scientific formulations, we may proceed to analyse national characters in the following manner. I say “pseudo-scientific” because I distrust all dead and mechanical formulas for expressing anything connected with human affairs or human personalities. Putting human affairs in exact formulas shows in itself a lack of wisdom. I do not mean that these things are not being done: they are. That is why we get so much pseudo-science to-day. When a psychologist can measure a man’s I.Q. or P.Q., it is a pretty poor world, and specialists have risen to usurp humanized scholarship. But if we recognize that these formulas are no more than handy, graphic ways of expressing certain opinions [METAPHORS!!!!!] and so long as we don’t drag in the sacred name of science to help advertise our goods, no harm is done. [ Ethical safeguard against moral relativism] The following are my formulas for the characters of certain nations, entirely personal and completely incapable of proof or verification [subjectivity/Humour]. Anyone is free to dispute them and change them or add his own, if he does not claim that he can prove his private opinions by a mass of statistical facts and figures [humour!][...]Probably these formulas are more provocative than authoritative. I promise to modify them gradually for my own use as new facts are brought to my knowledge, or new impressions are formed. that is all they are worth to-day– a record of the progress of my knowledge and gaps of my ignorance. [belief in man's perfectibility (becoming the best you can be): safeguard against moral relativism]

Find Lin Yutang  pseudo-scientific formula according to communities characteristics at http://www.unz.org/Pub/LinYutang-1937n02-00004

Step 1

General formulae

“Let ‘R’ stand for a sense of reality (or realism), ‘D’ for dreams (or idealism), ‘H’ for a sense of humor, and – adding one important ingredient – ‘S’ for sensitivity [as “sensibilite”]“

His indictment of psy’s lack of wisdom with their dehumanizing formulas, already in his time, lead him to create the following Pseudo-scientific formulation of wisdom:

Reality+ Dream+Humour= widom

“ so then, wisdom, or the highest type of thinking, consists in toning down our dreams or idealism with a good sense of humour, supported by reality itself.”

[So, he proceeds to analyze national characteristics/temperaments with his pseudo-scientific formulations that may seem unsavory or 'provocative', even today, to whoever forgets the pre-war context of his analysis or, simply, lacks a sense of humour, a prerequisite for wisdom, according to his accurate inaccurate formulas (he readily admits as 'shaky'). I find another reason for this formulation with national characteristics/temperaments: a physical-emotional worldview . Typically Chinese? (human dynamics heuristics: physical-emotional type), “personal and collective histories are linked in a boundary–free continuum that includes the past, the present, and future.” What do you think?]

Step 2:

Specific Rating of R,D,H,S

” And further let “4″ stand for “abnormally high”, “3″ stand for “high”,” 2″ for “fair”, and 1 for “low”.

My ‘pseudo-chemical’ formula for the Israeli temperament is:

R4D4H1S2

Oh! My…

And Lin, for the English in the late 30s: R3D2H2S1

Feel free, [only if you have any sense of humour, or are physical/emotional],to analyze, with this heuristics, your particular national characteristics in the comment section of this post. Any insight? Would you add any variable like “ ‘L’ standing for logic or rational faculty, as an important element in shaping human progress. This ‘L’ will then often function of weigh against sensitivity, a direct perception of things. [more about this in another post] Such a formula might be attempted. For[Lin (physical/emotional)?], the role of the rational faculty in human affairs is rather low.” (see TIOL; note 2 p.6)

Lin Yutang’s Heuristics applied to Icaruses

The value of this analysis for today’s reader (not only the historian), besides displaying Lin Yutang sense of humour (wisdom?), rests, presently, for Icarus Lessons, in his discussion on the idealist and the realist temperaments and, more specifically, the application of his pseudo-scientific formula to the Icarus temperament. In a (Taoist) metaphor of what humans are made of (‘the clay of humanity’) he develops an ethos of moderation that flies in the face of Icaruses’ predicament.

• Wisdom: Harmonizing the Idealist and the Realist

Mankind seems to be divided into idealists and realists, and idealism and realism are two great forces moulding human progress. The clay of humanity is made soft and pliable by the water of idealism, but the stuff that holds it together is after all the clay itself, or we might all evaporate into Ariels. The forces of idealism and realism tug at each other in all human activities, personal, social and national, and real progress is made possible by the proper mixture of these two ingredients, so that the clay is kept in the ideal pliable, plastic condition, half moist and half dry, not hardened and unmanageable, nor dissolving into mud[…]

• Tempering Icaruses’ Idealism with Humour and Realism

 a vague, uncritical idealism always lends itself to ridicule and too much of it might be a danger to mankind, leading it round in a futile wild-goose chase  for imaginary ideals. If there were too many of these visionary idealists in any society of people, revolutions would be the order of the day. Human society would be like an idealistic couple for ever getting tired of one place and changing their residence regularly once every three months, for the simple reason that no one place is ideal and the place where one is not seems always better because one is not there.

• Humour and levity: Lin Yutang’s Joker

What tragically is laking in Icaruses [R2D4H1S4] is a sense of humour (H1) and realism( R2). If only Icaruses could become a little bit more Chinese!

 Very fortunately , man is also gifted with a sense of humour, whose function, as I conceive it, is to exercise criticism of man’s dreams, and bring them in touch with the world of reality. It is important that he can laugh at his own dreams. That is a great gift, and the Chinese have plenty of it.

• Hope: the fool archetype

If the joker [the fool archetype] is often cruel in disillusioning the idealist, he nevertheless performs a very important  function right there by not letting the idealist [a general type of Icarus] bump his head against  the stone wall of reality and receive a ruder shock. He also gently eases the tension of the hot-headed enthusiast [a particular type of Icarus] and make him live longer. By preparing him for disillusion, there is probably less pain in the final impact, for a humorist is always like a man charged with the duty of breaking sad news gently to a dying patient. Sometimes the gentle warning from a humorist saves the dying patient’s life.

Lin reveals a tinge of pessimism (pre-war influence?), in accordance with the fool’s archetype?, at the end of his hopeful argument with a poignant distinction:

If idealism and disillusion must necessarily go together in this world, we must say that life is cruel, rather than the joker who reminds us of life’s cruelty.

See The fool’s Archetype

The Wisdom of Foolishness and The Laughing Philosopher

Speaking as a Chinese, I do not think that any civilization can be called complete until it has progressed from sophistication to unsophistication, and made a conscious return to simplicity of thinking and living, and I call no man wise until he has made the progress from the wisdom of knowledge to the wisdom of foolishness, and become a laughing philosopher, feeling first life’s tragedy and then life’s comedy. For we must weep before we can laugh. Out of sadness comes the awakening and out of the awakening comes the laughter of the philosopher, with kindliness and tolerance to boot.

Today’s Fool’s Messages:

“So long as man is man, variety will still be the flavor of life.”

“In contrast to logic, there is common sense, or still better, the Spirit of Reasonableness.”

With the right tools and approach…

I’ve been thinking a lot, lately, about the idea “I Can’t” that has been in the back of my head for about as long as I can remember. It’s been a constant companion for me through the years, and has both held me back, and propelled me forward.

Knowing nothing about how TBI can affect how you behave in the world, didn’t help me at all. I had no idea that how it can disrupt your short-term working memory, how it can make you more distractable and lead to “catastrophic response” meltdowns, and really disrupt your functioning in stressful situations. And so, I figured that I was just built wrong, that I was messed up, and there was nothing to be done about it.

I would try and try and try to do things, but they would just fall flat. I would get overwhelmed or distracted (and then forget what I was doing), and then I’d end up with a lot of plans that never happened. This was for things that others asked me to do, as well as things I took on myself. Nobody ever realized that I might need a little prompting — they just assumed I was lazy, and that was that. They just assumed that there was something wrong with me, and they made sure I knew that they thought so.

And being a basically trusting individual, I assumed they were right. There was something amiss with me. And that was that I couldn’t do the things that other people did. I just couldn’t. I didn’t give a lot of thought to why or how — all I knew was, “I can’t.”

Now, on the other hand, I’ve got this stubborn, contrary streak that refuses to give in to the “I can’ts” all rattling ’round in my head. For those things that meant the most to me, as well as the things that everybody else said I couldn’t do, I had an irresistible, unconquerable, indomitable drive to succeed. I would just get to a point where I couldn’t stand having people think that about me, and I couldn’t stand the thought of them “winning” over me and convincing me that I couldn’t do the things I wanted to do. That just pissed me off.

So, I would pull out all the stops, put all doubt from my mind, and drive head-first into any storm, not caring what anyone said, not paying any attention to any detractors, not giving an inch in my pursuit for my goals. And I would drive through any and all obstacles that kept me from my goal. Because I could. I could do it. I could get there. I could succeed, by God, I could.

Now, when I think back on my life, I realize that a lot of things I’ve done over the years have been done for the sake of proving to others (and myself), that I could do something. I would take on challenges, not because they were something I genuinely wanted to do, but because they were things I supposedly couldn’t do. They were things that nobody else believed in, that nobody else thought I was up to accomplishing. And I would accomplish them with pretty impressive skill, if I say so myself.

The only thing was, once the challenge was conquered, I lost all interest in what I was doing, because the thing that kept me going was the challenge, not the ultimate goal. And even if the goal was still off in the distance, if the challenge was overcome, I would not complete the task to reach the ultimate goal.

And I’d end up with half-finished projects and half-attained goals — which ultimately add up to failure to complete — failure.

And my once-bright-and-shining glory would fade… and once again, I would be left standing alone in the construction site of my life, proverbial hammer in hand, other tools scattered around me, crowbar still hooked to the nail I was pulling out of that beam, just hanging there…

And once again, my success would sour into failure, and I would have confirmation, yet again, that I can’t.

The thing was — and this is actually a life-changing revelation for me — the problem was not my ability, the problem was my motivation. My drive to succeed wasn’t about me achieving a goal because I wanted that goal. It was about me achieving something that nobody else thought could be done. And once that source of motivation — doing the “impossible” — was over and done with, all motivation to keep on going was gone, baby, gone.

So, the source of that “I can’t” core belief was really contextual. For the things I care most about, that matter so much to me, that I really care about, my motivation always stays strong. Because it’s what I want to do — for myself. For my life. For my soul. Things like writing about my life experiences, taking care of my health and my personal relationships, pursuing the projects that I work on in my spare time… they are all so precious to me, so vital to me, there is no need for me to keep bolstering up my motivation, because I want to do them for the right reasons. They give me life.

On the other hand, my job — which has pretty much been just a way to make money to fund the other parts of my life, so that I can do them freely as I please — is another story. And it’s driven by that contrary, “Yes, I can do it – I don’t care what you say – just watch me” mentality that is directly connected to proving to myself and others that we are all wrong about me and my general ineptitude. It’s just about me proving a point, not actually doing something I care about and believe in.

So, of course after a certain point, that’s going to fall apart. Because there’s really only so much I can expect to gain from a situation that has nothing to do with my deepest values and that I’m really just doing for the money. And when that situation starts going directly against my deepest values, like the current job I’m in, then the clock is well and truly ticking. Proving “I can do it” in a situation where my accomplishment is going to literally trash the world I live in, is not my idea of success.

The thing I need to remember is that, when I start to back off on things that I’ve lost motivation for, it is not an indication that I cannot succeed at them. I am literally choosing to under-perform. It’s that simple. I’m not failing because I lack ability. I’m under-performing because I’m choosing to not apply my ability. And that’s usually for a pretty good reason. I just disengage and let the chips fall where they may — usually in some sort of disarray.

Of course, the problems start in my head, when I start listening to others telling me that my failings mean I am not good enough, or there is some fundamental flaw in me. That’s what they seem to think, without apparently stopping to ask if there might be a reason why I am under-performing… and if there might be a way that they can help turn things around. They don’t get it. They don’t understand. And too often the results are that I internalize what they’re communicating to me, and I get a completely wrong perception of myself. I get tired, basically, and then my filtering system doesn’t work so well.

See, that’s the thing — I get tired. I get worn out, and then my ability to think clearly and have an objective perspective is totally screwed. I get down on myself for not being able to think well when I’m exhausted. Well d’oh – of course I can’t. Who can? I have pretty unrealistic expectations of myself, sometimes, and it takes a toll. When I’m tired, I’m probably living at about 25% of my potential, which is no reflection on my true abilities and prospects.

It’s wild, now my self-perception is directly linked to fatigue and how I feel physically. This is something I am examining and learning about, more each day, and this is an important piece of the puzzle that is my life.

So, here’s the thing — that whole “I can’t” business is directly tied to a bunch of things — my motivation, how I feel physically, feedback from others, and my memory and distractability issues.

When I am aware of them all, and I am managing them actively, then I’m fine. I don’t get bothered by the whole “I can’t” thing.

• When my motivation is for something I really, really want to do that brings me to life, I’m good to go.
• When I am well-rested and not feeling sick to my stomach and I am feeling vigorous, I’m good to go.
• When I am actively screening feedback from others to block out the B.S. they send my way and make up my own damn’ mind about things (especially myself), I am good to go.
• When I am using my tools to deal with my memory and distractability and actively keep myself on track, then yes, I am really good to go.

All that being said, I have all of the above going for me today. So, off I go…

Onward!

I’m experiencing this odd brainbuzz type feeling. It’s mindless, mute of sense or relevance to anything but constant. Annoyingly, it seems to block any form of educated thought; I actually have 2 hand ins tomorrow but writing about law is an impossibility with this incessant background noise.

The effects of the medication are beginning to form a sort of pattern. After taking it in the morning, the first wave is of nausea (perhaps partially a product of fear? I’m afraid of the rest of the day.), after that it’s a very sudden wave of exhaustion in which I sleep for another hour (speech is sometimes slightly slurred). When i wake up, the wired sets in for a while which is quite confusing and irritating to those around me and then it settles into a sort of wired then sleepy (sometimes both at the same time with a hint of nausea and that sort of cold water feeling you get at the front of your brain whilst on uppers like Ecstasy and mdma.

My speech is often very quiet and slightly slurred for the rest of the day.

I do feel a lot more calm but it’s a sort of artificial calm, I can also feel the panic underneath it and it comes through in short, unpredictable bursts.

So far, this is not a pleasant experience. If your reading this, please know I’m normally a very energetic and creative person, full of feelings and life (may it be the pits of hell or the top of the world, at least it’s there). But…I said I’d write the truth so unfortunately i’m going to come across as a miserable little shit.

My spelling & vocabulary has also taken a hit, I feel like i’m loosing brain cells out of my ears.

Dr. Kyoichi Nakawa, Director of Isuzu Hospital in Tokyo introduced a new term in the Japanese Medical Journal on December 4th, 1976. The term is Magnetic Field Deficiency Syndrome. The following contains some of the clinical research contained in his report:

Electro-pollution is an electrical source that jams, alters, or interferes with normal bio-energetic functions such as cellular communication, sleep cycles, brain wave patterns and circadian rhythms. The earth’s resonant magnetic field is also altered by sunspot activity and moon cycles. Statistical evidence demonstrates that this phenomena affect human and animal behavior. As early as 1929, scientists began to study what dowsers, indigenous people, and animals have always been aware of, which is, that we are sensitive to geopathic stress—subtle fields of electro-magnetic disturbances in the earth’s field. Even then, scientist Gustave Freiherr Von Pohl demonstrated a definite connection between the electromagnetic condition of sleeping places in German houses and their occupant’s rate of cancer deaths.

Electromagnetic fields (EMFs) are extremely low frequencies below 300 hertz or cycles per second. In a report drafted by the Environmental Protection Agency it was recommended that EMFs be classified as a Class B carcinogen — a “probable human carcinogen” and joined the ranks of formaldehyde, DDT, dioxins and PCBs.

If natural health and wellness interests you, then download my free e-book “Is Your Body System in Crisis?”  It will help you to understand the natural alternative health solutions available to you now.  You may download it immediately at http://eepurl.com/sFOyn or at www.QuantumWellnessInc.com 

What Are The Effects of Electro Magnetic Radiation? 

When electromagnetic waves pass through the human body they alter the energy patterns of the human body and cause them to go into an oscillating energy pattern.

European studies corroborated by physicians, physicists, and dowsers produced correlations between geopathic stress and degenerative diseases, such as multiple sclerosis, rheumatism, arthritis and cardiovascular dysfunction. In the April 24, 1991 issue of Whole Health America, Dr. William Adey an American cancer researcher, asserted this. “Electronic Smog” can block the brain’s electromagnetic signals to the cells, thereby undermining the body’s disease fighting ability and thus promoting tumors.

Oscillating energy must be neutralized in the human body or the dissonant energy wave may cause cellular damage. EMFs, as with most toxins in the body, will go to the weakest part of the body. This will cause damage at the deepest level. The body’s electrical system is the natural shield against all stressors to the human body. When the natural shield is down, susceptibility to harmful virus and bacteria is increased.

Continuous unprotected exposure to EMFs can result in an inability to concentrate, chronic fatigue, headaches, nausea, forgetfulness, loss of memory and lethargy, as well rashes, dizziness, eyestrain, backache, and immune and central nervous system disorders.  Birth defects, leukemia and cancer may result in some extreme exposure cases. Note that children are more susceptible to EMFs as their immune systems are still maturing.

Sources of Electro Magnetic Radiation 

The threat of chronic low-level electromagnetic radiation may be found in a variety of sources.  EMFs are measured in milli-gauss (mG).  You should avoid fields that are above one mG. You can measure EMFs using a gauss meter in areas both inside and outside of your home.

Outdoor sources to test are power lines, transformers, radar domes and microwave towers.  Some indoor sources are electric blankets (20mG), TV (100mG), blow dryer (1400mG), electric shaver (1600mG) and electric can opener (4000mG). Be sure to measure devices when they are running and when they are off. Some appliances continue to draw current even after they are turned off. Microwave ovens, electric ovens, and toasters are also a concern.

What Can Be Done?

We have come to rely on many of the items listed in this article and we cannot change the energy of the earth, so what is the solution?  We need to better protect ourselves from these damaging forces.  Fortunately, there are some simple steps you may take as well as devices that can protect you and aid in the attainment of a healthy body.

Some easy things you can do today are:

• Avoid sleeping under an electric blanket or on a water bed. If you must, unplug them before retiring.
• Eliminate wires running under your bed
• Eliminate all electronics from your bedroom
• Remove your jewelry while you sleep
• Quartz analog watches radiate pulsating EMFs along the acupuncture meridians.  Switch to a mechanical style watch which runs based upon movement or one containing a protective device.
• Eyeglass frames should be made of plastic with little or no metal in them.  If they are metal, they can serve as an antenna to focus the radio and cellular phone waves directly into your brain.

But what about the wireless router that is sending waves around your home?  And think about your cell phone, which is always on and connected?  A holistic solution to these unnatural influences is the ipict^® technology or Information Polarity Interference Chip Technology contained in memon^® devices.   This technology embodies a concept derived from quantum physics.

What Is ipict^® Technology?

Assume you are able to trace information from manmade vibrations that disturb the natural polarity, store them on information layers and have them activated through the natural principle of resonance.  (Resonance is “same activates same”, such as two tuning forks of the same frequency activating the other when one is vibrating).  However with ipict^®, the activated wave has a phase shift of 180° and simultaneously it provides the natural information patterns to the energetic wave.  The result will be the polarity of the manmade energies will behave like natural energies.  All stress will be neutralized and the energy will now be nurturing to our body.

For every force in the universe, there is an equal and opposite force.  The memon^® devices are a counterforce against low-level radiation from electromagnetic fields.

Erika and Hans Felder of memon^® describe it as follows:

“memon^® environmental technology recreates natural living requirements in your surroundings.  The quality of the air is optimized and the dust in the breathing air (which normally goes deep down into the lungs) is reduced.  The negative impact of the geopathic fault zones, e.g. underground water, e-smog and radiation levels are energetically neutralized.  The water quality is improved to a level of water quality as in nature, for more wellbeing and vitality.”

The memon^® line contains products that range from personal devices like cell phone and Bluetooth neutralizing chips to whole house devices, including your water system, swimming pool, spa, heating system and your automobile … most especially your hybrid automobile which is great for the environment, but potentially harmful to the passengers.  Just attach memon^® to the system in question, and you are protected for 20 years!   Protect yourself and bring your life back into balance with this innovative technology.

To learn more about the products described in this article, please contact me at office@quantumwellnessinc.com   or visit www.QuantumWellnessInc.com

To your health!

Note:  The technologies presented here for example homoeopathy, bioresonance, the areas of acupuncture) do not yet conform to the prevailing academic point of view and doctrine. memon® products are non-healing products. The use of memon® products does not involve a therapy and does not replace the consultation with a medical or alternative practitioner. In academic medicine, the existence and the illness-causing effect of earth rays are not approved of. Also electro smog, in particular electromagnetic fields, are considered non harmful for organisms. Further, academic science denies the existence and possible illness-causing effects of information. The information technology presented here is not approved by academic science.
 Disclaimer: The contents of this article are based upon the opinions of Nancy Wharton, unless otherwise noted. Individual articles are based upon the opinions of the respective author, who retains copyright as marked. The information on this website is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional and is not intended as medical advice. It is intended as a sharing of knowledge and information from the research and experience of Nancy Wharton, who encourages you to make your own health care decisions based upon your research and in partnership with a qualified health care professional.

Friday, I still couldn’t leave the chair, but got a bunch of work done. I am so behind in my job and, as much as, everyone understands, people need to get paid. So even though all I did was talk on the phone, answer e-mail and generate eight checks, I felt like it was a full day at the office. Tom was home with me the whole day, working only when he wasn’t taking care of my needs. It was a productive day and we took another walk that night. And without anti-nausea meds. I think I have made it through round one.

Today, I have had a little on and off queasiness, but nothing I can’t handle. The weakness and the tiredness are frustrating, but I am getting used to slowing things down. Tom is attending his brother and sister-in-law’s Catholic blessing ceremony and will be gone until tonight. My dear friend Karen came by this morning with a sweet, thoughtful gift and Lisa will be “babysitting” me for the dinner and early evening until Tom gets back.  Another thrill ride on the La-Z-Boy Express!!

A friend of mine watches Parenthood and mentioned that she wondered if the way they handled a main character’s bout with breast cancer was anything like my experience. I am watching it today on HULU. So far, I only have a few issues, but everyone’s experience is different and they are getting the emotional turmoil accurately.  The best part was that the couple has already gone as far as scheduling her surgery and they still haven’t told anyone. It makes me feel good to know that others made that decision, too. Even if it is just a TV show….