First comment on the following Nike ad campaign over at YouTube: “LT owns you and your family and the world and all of everything ever in existence.” Hopefully he owns my washing machine too, because that bitch needs fixing and I can’t spare the dough yo.

(chapeau-tip to Sports Business Radio)

Talk about snubbery! No The Wire anywhere? Friday Night Lights got a couple nods, but nothing to do with the actors, story, or the overall show. Blasted Hollywooders! (mini-update: Dick in a Box got nominated, AHAHAHA, yes!)

As I’ve been doing this for about 365+ days or so, I must haphazardly turn this otherwise unrelated event around to include the precious NBA.

Outstanding Drama Series:
-Kobe Bryant & Lakers Mgmt.
-Mark Cuban and Don Nelson
-David Stern and “rules”

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series:
-Gilbert Arenas; Washington Wizards, blogger
-Stephon Marbury; New York Knicks, blogger, tv show, philanthropist, going-insane-person
-the entire Eastern Conference; making us believe there was a point in the 06-07 season

Outstanding Choreography:
-Shaq, Dwight and LeBron; All Star Practice goof-off
-Charles Barkley and Dick Bavetta; THE KISS
-Golden State Warriors Girls; behind the scenes practice (actually that segment was pretty fucking funny, kudos Sports Action Team!)

Apologies sweet and kind readers, just whipping out an oldie toon from a couple months back because I need to link to this amazing interview of Miss Gossip and Greg Oden chatting it up over at FanHouse (wordpress.com can’t embed it, KAAAAAHNNN!) that you can’t not watch, like now. Go go gadget!

FanHouse Exclusive: Miss Gossip Interviews Greg Oden [FanHouse]
NCAA Toons: The Oden Adventures [The Hype Guy]

“I’m the son of God. Who the fuck are you?” ah… goodness. Oh and that Asian/Filipino dude bench warming? Totally me.

How else can you explain the horrible-ness that is the under 80 points for both Games 1 and 2? I know they like to slow down those games, but DAMN, give us something. The issue is more than the low scoring obviously, but it’s more about the lackluster ompf of intensity.

Every play feels slow… and painfully predestrian. Here’s why:

Pistons side of things — they’ve been there for the past 5 years. They probably KNOW they can win this easy (as they should) but even they can’t even fool themselves into turning up the switch and being straight out dominating. Detroit is going by “willing the win” only. Certainly, if this is against the Spurs, they don’t have a catch, but it’s Cleveland, they don’t know crap.

Cavalier side of things — It’s on Lebron. No, I’m not saying BronBron is to be blamed for the two losses where his decision is being questioned all over. But that the entire team is as good as he is. That’s a knock on the Cavs not Lebron. No one else is making it hard for the Pistons. Seriously who? Big Z, slow. Sasha has a girl’s name so right away that’s a wash. Gooden? I forgot he was even in this series.

Nope, there’s nothing on the Cavs side that make me think: oh gee willikers, the Pistons might have trouble with him

Now, for something different…

If you’re like me… nearly impossible, because I’m 12 feet tall, you certainly love Inside the NBA. It’s more than a post game recap, it’s an actual good television show — it’s got humour, graphics, music choices are spendid. By now everyone knows the characters: EJ (though wasn’t on last night)’s the straight man, making jabs here and there on Chuck; Charles is the Homer Simpson of the bunch; Magic Johnson wants to sound like he’s about to be quoted, and Kenny just rolls with it. I would love to see the show being franchised, you know, like Law & Order and all 68 versions of C.S.I.

HMMMMMM…

Ernie Johnson: Welcome to Inside the Laser Tag alongside with me as always is Hall of Famer Magic Johnson, Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley…

Charles Barkley: Hey Ernie! Let me just say something real quick here. LOOK, I don’t care if the Blue team is losing, I’m still picking them to win the series. They showed something I haven’t seen before and that’s why I’m going to pick them.

Ernie: Kenny? Your pictures?

Kenny Smith: See, it’s interesting to see the dynamics after 5 Rounds. The Green team can play fast, or small… if you freeze it riiiiight there, KABLAM! see how the Red Team leader got ran up from behind by a smaller player. Championship players know how to play in all types of styles, that’s just how it go.

Magic: Ha ha ha ha ha.

Ernie: What’s your thoughts Magic?

Magic: You see Ernie, it’s like when I was playing with James Worthy, I was still the best player HA HA HA, but I knew when to give him the ball. The Blue team doesn’t know to pass…um… the laser… and they need to step up.

Charles: But Magic, Magic, look, Jerry Sloan is one of my faaaavorite people in the NBA, and it’s a damn shame we watchin the talent tonight. Man, Michael Jordan is rolling in his grave!

Ernie: Alright, that wraps up…

Charles: One more thing! I can’t believe the Green Team didn’t double team the Blue team. I mean come on now… come on… come on, this is the championship we’re playing in, not the kindergarten! If was in there, there aint no one but me and my laser gun and we be blasting our way through. I’ma put a hurt on somebody

Kenny: The only hurt you put is on your waist

Ernie, Magic, Kenny: HA HA HA HA

Hey now, that was pretty nice way to flip the script: literally! For those that read this site (and I know you do, my stats say at least one of you is from Poland) and enjoy the silly NBA commentary now and then, sorry for going pretty much off topic today. However, that’s what I do around here, go totally into unrelated land, so… blah on that front.

So back to LOST: First of all, as you can see above, Jack is sooooo late to the Playoff beard party. Seriously, as soon as Baron’s Warriors got boosted by the Jazz, the beard craze was ova. As for the rest of episode, I really liked it. Though it was different from the previous two years where the writers would jam way too many new “omg, check that out!”-type scenes (Season 1: the bloody ladder of the hatch; Season 2: the toe statue; the ultraviolet light; the arctic dudes playing chess talking to Penelope) it had a very nice punchline. I’m not one of those spoilers folks so I totally didn’t see that one coming even though there were plenty of clues: Jack’s beard (seriously!); his substance abuse-ness; his ex about to drop a baby; his new phone that probably didn’t come out in 2004. But call me dumb, I didn’t see that coming, which was cool to me (as I’m always one to try to figure out things way ahead), it left me with a great feeling.

As for the reveal itself: the Flash Forward idea is wicked… but what are the writers up to now? Is that going to be the norm for Season 4? If so, how? I assume they get off the island right then, so is there is still going to be any stories left there (well, duh, I’m sure they have something up the alley for that… but I’m just asking). Anyways, it was a good surprise for once. On to Bullez-Points of Good Moments:

• Jack & Crew finally get a moment of the upper hand, Jesus, they never ever get good endings

• JOHN LOCKE IS TEH HOTNESS! Dude is insane. Survives the gun wound in the gut, summons WAAAAAALLLLT! to help him out and have enough energy to backstab (hee!) the hottie English chick. Love him.

• Charlie going out in style. Some people on a couple message boards say he didn’t need to die (just let the water flow in and jump into the pool with Desmond) but someone brought up the physics— that due to the pressure, the whole station would’ve flooded within minutes, not enough time for the both of them to escape. Eh, I bought it.

• That English chick isn’t with Penelope… hmmm…

• Evangeline Lilly is sooooooo purrrty (finally getting real makeup…)

• Was it Sawyer’s funeral no one went to? My first thought was Ben for some reason

• So was Ben right? That they aren’t supposed to leave the island? Is that why Jack is so eff-ed up by his lonesome? Or is tha his usual assdick-ness? So many wonderful questions. Like what about the rest of the guys, where they be at? Are some dead? Yeah, I’ll stay tuned next season fo sho’!

Now, trying to tie all that with the NBA, let’s flash forward with some teams:

Of course, the Elder Statesman himself, G-Oden will terrorize the Pacific Northwest for years to come. Though we still have no clue whether or not the Portland Trailblazers will draft him (because Kevin Durant is a better fit) but I can envision him being picked #1. Only because he’s going to be so good since he’s still raw (but has sick post moves). Here’s hoping Greg still retains his bookworm tendencies and stays far faaaaar away from the off court activities of one Zach Randolph.

I expect dude to dominate right away, Tim Duncan-style. And they should be in good look for a playoff spot. Hell, they might even go as far as win the division title! Who’s going to stop them? Seattle? Oooh riiight right… they have the 2nd pick… umm.. well, they’re vagabonds anyways, who cares about them.

And in 2010, Josh Smith will lead the Atlanta Hawks into the Finals. YES I SAID IT. Okay, I might be on crack (as I usually am by 10:30 in the morning here on the East Coast), but since we’re doing this time lapse thingy, I might as well go for broke.

Look, the Hawkies have the 3rd pick. They’ll get someone really good. I don’t know who it is, because I’m on crack and I’m not usually up on these things. J-Smoothy (that should be a drink) is getting better and better. Hotatlanta is a hot hoops area… so I’m guessing by 2009, they’ll be good enough to be in the playoffs but get knocked out in the Eastern Conference Finals by the reigning Champs: The Cavaliers. Then, Josh Smith will own LeBron the next year for his ascension to the glory stage: the Finals and beat the Nuggets. Yes, all that shall happen.

YOU WERE [not] SUPPOSED TO LEAVE THE ISLAND! YOU [don't] HAVE TO GO BACK!

aaaaannnd scene…

We continue with our in-depth investigative reporting on comparing a tv show we like with NBA basketball players. Why? Because I just calls ‘em as I sees ‘em. Oh yeah, and Lost can go jump off a bridge.

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Linderman & Nathan Petrelli = Kobe & PJax

Oh I went there!

Okay, to be brutally honest, I’m being cute here, this one is definitely more of a ‘lookalike’ comparison than real analysis… I mean, just look at Linderman! He’s such a Zen Master!

On the show, Linderman is this “all knowing elite boss” that wants to impose his world philosophy upon the world, whether they like it or not. Sound familiar?

(Side note: did I just have 3 paragraphs that started with words beginning with the letter “O”? Huh.)

Nathan Petrelli is this smug bastard of a politician that wants it all to be about him. He’s constantly undermining his own family members just to get ahead in the polls — also, his power is flying, something every man deeply wants to do, but cannot, thus we are envious with rage.

Holy shit! That one totally works! TheHype +2 pts AND the foul!

Candice Wilmer = Vince Carter

1) Vince is a girl

2) Candice is hot

c) um… 1) & 2) didn’t create some sort of weird homo-erotic vibe did it…?

4) Explanation: Candice does “illusions” NOT ‘allusions’, whereby she is able to shift the appearance of the environment and herself thus fooling just about everyone. HMM… Nah, can’t be Vince right? Besides, Candice probably won’t settle for outside jumpers, so suck on that VC!

Everyone Else = Lottery Ballz

Ehh.. ran outta ideas. Really. I guess Claire’s pretty important to the show. But I keep going back to calling Carter a girl again…

Alright, so that wraps up this lil’ fun pack. Next time: the cultural phenomenon — 7th Heaven.

Because this post was inevitable from the likes of moi, as someone that is a TV addict as much as I am a hoops addict. Hence forth, thus is my obligatory melding of cultures with a common blog feature in comparing two seemingly unrelatedness things that are closer than you think… or something

Hiro Nakamura = Chris Bosh

Hiro in Heroes (hee!) is adored by the masses due to his light and comic tendencies as a character with a strong moral code of ethics. He always wants to save the day and has had dreams of being a real hero that is able to alter lives. His only downfall is that he is still so raw and doesn’t know how to control his abilities in able to maximize them. This is where Bosh comes in. CB4 has the skillz of a big man trapped in a Josh Howard body. However, the first round series versus the Nets have shown he can’t do it all (especially when he’s not connecting) — he needs a serious dominating presence… a sort of “evil Bosh” must come out and destroy all living things so that finally the rest of the world can see the type of elite skill he truly possess.

Isaac Mendez = Dirk Nowitzki

Isaac and paint the future — though he needed heroine to be able to use his clairvoyant powers. What? I’m saying Dirk’s a druggie? Nah, I’m just saying he fucking needs to get high or something because the way he’s playing now he’s like a lost puppy that got kicked in the stomach by a gang of hoboes (probably high on heroine, see what I did there?). So Dirk, if you don’t want to create a self-fulfilling “prophecy” of the future that your team is going to lose because you said so then play like you got some!

Baron Davis = Peter Petrelli + Sylar + the equation to life

I can’t even fully grasp this one. Maybe this would help, I’m not sure. Peter and Sylar are basically the opposites of each other: both has the exact powers, one for good, the other for evil. I believe The Baron is equipped with BOTH ENTITIES. He’s like Yoda ANd the Emperor — striking down the Rebels and the Empire all at once leaving us mere mortals scratching our puny heads trying to quantify his exact powers. Impossible is nothing? Impossible is Baron Davis.

Nikki/Jessica Sander = TMac

This one’s pretty easy: split personality. Tmac’s perpetual night/day heroics that as a fan either makes you cringe whenever he puts up shots or celebrate with bliss. Oh and yeah, just wanted to run the Ali Larter pic for the hell of it.

Part 2 with the other characters may or may not come later tonight or tomorrow. Or ever.

*dut.. dut.. dut.. dut dududududududduddudud*

The Following Takes Place Between 9:34:08pm and 9:34:11pm
Washington D.C. — Verizon Center

Jack Bauer: Mr. President, I strongly oppose of this action! I’ve done some crazy torturing in my time, but this is sick!

President Arenas: Jack… it’s come to this, there is no other choice, it must be done, for the good for the country.

Chloe O’Brien: I… I can’t watch…

(Michael Ruffin enters into frame with an almost jovial expression)

Michael Ruffin: Hey hey folks! What’s the haps? Yeah, sorry about that dumb move I did. Won’t ever happen again— Umm.. why is the cast of 300 here…?

(awkward silence)

Michael Ruffin: Wwaait a tic, these half naked muscled men aren’t from 300, they’re…

OH NO.

Please, I’m sorry! It was an innocent mistake I swear! You can’t do this to me!

Arenas: Shhh, Mike.. shh. It’s going to be okay… just go to the happy place…

*bionk bomp bionk bomp bionk bomp*

*******************************************************************************
[Uh.. sincere apologies for that disturbing one.. my mind goes to weird places--TheHype]

Previously on Previously Series:

Are You Smarter Than Chris Wilcox – guest starring Chris Wilcox
Entourage – guest starring Michael Redd
The Office – guest starring Yao
24 – guest starring Gilbert Arenas
Jeopardy – (no NBA players were present, but Ken Jennings is high most of the time)

This little bit of news confused the hell outta me. I know they (NBA) probably want everything on NBA.com to be fuzzy, cuddly and above all non-illegal. But wtf? Retroactively censoring a goofy tale really makes me want to fork-stab someone, in a bad way (you’re probably asking, “there’s a good way?” ooh, yes.. yeess…)

Anyway, it’s moments like those that make NBA.com and their ‘packaged’ infotainment hard to swallow sometimes.. seriously guys, live a little, show some skin.. it is spring time after all.

(Just in case you didn’t get the comic’s reference: World Series of Dice)

…and the only prescription is MORE COWBELL!

Well, that and some actual NCAA knowledge, because I have absolutely no idea who’s who. Except for Gonzaga, I sort of know one dude there, but that’s about it (so based solely on that, I’m totally rooting for them.. well, except for what happened.. that’s a no no)

But check dis—HoopsAddict wants to RULE the March Madness pools of all pools and I’ve enlisted to help the worthy cause and here’s the kicker: YOU CAN TOO! Follow the link and join part-ay and we’ll have grand ‘ol timez battling each other for bragging rights! Though no prizes have been announced yet, I hear rumblings that the winner gets to keep the losers’ unborn children! Yiipee!

And for your afternoon delight, here’s a new show I’m shopping for FOX this summer, check it out!

Heyhey, howdy folks. Now now, before we begin. How do I know you’re a redneck? Because your computer moniter is made out of shotguns! ha ha ha… *sigh*

Okay, onto the first topic:

[both Chris and Billy buzzed at the same time]

Jeff: Okay, I think Billy got it first

What?! Hell naw! I buzzed first, so I get to answer! I know this!


Jeff: Now, now, let Billy answer

It’s because of Chlorophyll!


Jeff: That is correct!

Man, fuck this! I had the answer bitch. I’ma bounce, I don’t need this!

[storms out of the studio]

Jeff: … umm.. alright, that ends today’s short show, thanks for tuning in, see you next time on, “Are you smarter than Chris—er..”someone else”!

Eric: Yo Mikey, what are we going to do about Ari? He
hasn’t answered our calls and we still need to give him
shit about not getting you into the All-Star game last weekend.

Michael Redd: Don’t worry about E, something tells me everything’s gonna work out, you’ll see. You just need to chill

Eric: C’mon man, we’ve been chilling for months! We play the Pistons tonight and we don’t have a plan.

Redd: Dude…shhhhh! Your negativitism is totally crampin
my style. Check—I’ma go and walk around town and you can fix things with Ari, sound good?

Eric: *sigh* Just promise me you’ll stay outta trouble..
last time the press had a field day when they saw you with Alyssa Milano.

Redd: Relax E, she’s old news!

[Scene change to the tune of the latest hip-hop record, whatever that is... INTERIOR: Ari's office]

Ari: What do you want Eric? I’m a very busy man, every minute spent with you is a minute I could be spending with my wife, and not the Walt Disney version if you catch my drift.

Eric: Like you even remember who your wife is. The reason why I’m here is a that Mike is feeling a bit undersold with you reppin him.

Ari: Reddy think that, or are you thinking that?

Eric: Whatever, both. Point is, we want changes—didn’t you see Dwight Howard’s coming out party? Dude’s electrifying new folks, that’s what WE’re supposed be doing man

Ari: Look, let me put this is terms you can understand: Your pizza can be the best pizza in all of Milwaukee, but your friggin restaurant stinks like a hobo and a boar just had sex… I can’t do anything about that!

Eric: So you’re not helping us

Ari: No, I’m saying things take time. In the meanwhile, get me Lloyd, he was supposed to get my lunch a half hour ago. LLOYD!

Llyod: What it is Ari? Don’t scream, you’re still recovering from your cold. Oh hello Eric!

Ari: If I wanted ancient Japanese medical advice, I’ll ask ya then k?

Llyod: For the last time, I’m Chinese.

[Scene change to another rap song.. EXTERIOR: Santa Monica Boul.]

Turtle: Eeyo Mike! Come down here yo, you won’t believe this: there’s mad hot chickz waiting in line to see an autograph signing for Carlos Delfino! What a spazz!

Redd: Delfino? What? They can’t be serious, when they’ve got ME? Yo where you at Turtle, I’m coming right down.

Turtle: Santa Monica, hurry bro, me and Drama will hold things down for you.

Redd: I’m so gonna embarass him here AND drop 50 on him tonight! Holla (click)

Drama: Why can’t the girls be crowded over me for once? I can ball. In fact, I DID ball in school.

Turtle: Ha, yeah, in pre-school. You can’t even score over a 10 year old no more.

Drama: Hey, kids today, jacked up with all sorts of drugs, you never know how they’re cheating. Me, I’ll all natural baby.

Turtle: Naturally handicapped! Ha

[Slo-mo shot of Redd walking to the scene---all the autograph seekers now notice him coming, and hysteria ensues as they run towards him leaving a dejected Carlos Defino]

Redd: What up ladies! Part-ay at the mansion! Wooo! (hi-fives Turtle, Drama and Donald Duck)

(as the giant crowd exits, leaving Defino..)

Carlos Delfino: MICHAaaaaaaaaeeel!!! You Bastard!! I’ll get mine, don’t worry, I’LL.GET.MINE!

********************************

Previously on Previously Series:
The Office – guest starring Yao
24 – guest starring Gilbert Arenas
Jeopardy – (no NBA players were present, but Ken Jennings is high most of the time)

Michael Scott: Today is a very special day at Dunder Mifflin.
As part of the our global expansion in getting more customers, we have teamed up with an NBA star player for a promotion!

One special player will come in to our humble offices and see how things go down at a paper company. Hopefully this player will learn “something”—[awkward pause] not that I’m saying they don’t know anything.. they know basketball for instance….I mean I mean I mean, I’m sure they already know many things… umm, what I’m saying is hopefully we learn from each other.

Dwight Schrute: Good save Michael.

Michael: Not helping Dwight.

Dwight: So Michael wants to invite an “NBA” player in to see what we do. You know what? I’m not buying it. I think he’s trying to replace me.

But no worries, whoever it is, I will Take.Him.Down. Like taking a candy from a baby—cruelty free.

These NBA guys, they already can dunk, I’m not going to let them get my job as well.

Michael: Ahh, the MAN of the hour.

Oscar (speaking to Yao): …so yeah, we’re just going to show you how we do things around here…

Michael: Come on Oscar, he’s not “INTO” you, haha!

Oscar: No.. I was just telling him..

Michael (very condencendingly): HELLLLOOOO MISSSSSSTERRR MIIIIINGGG, HOOOOW, AAAAREE YOUUU?

Yao Ming (smiles): I’m fine, thank you.

Michael: ooookAAY!

Jim Halpert: Michael and Yao Ming. Really.
I did not see this day coming. At all.

I will totally use this to mess with Dwight.

On second thought.. I better warn head offices…

Yao: I thought this was a huge mistake coming here.

But I think I’m starting to like the people.

Especially the receptionist.

What’s her name? Pam? Yeah, I think we “clicked” heh

Pam: He said what? Oh my god. That’s…wow.. I mean, I think I like him. But I dunno if I “like” like him.

Do I still have feelings for Jim?

…I’m not sure.. Yao seems like nice guy too, so who knows?

Michael: I think we learned a lot today. We learned that no matter how tall or short you are, you can still get along. Like the great Confucius would say: “he that shows others how to act properly, then he shall be proper in return”

Dwight: He never said that. I would know, because I read all his books—translated, thank you Google.

Michael: Shutup Dwight

Oh man. Reason #453 Why Mark Cuban Is A Good Source of Vitamin Hilarity. He’s teamed up with Dennis Rodman to produce a crruuzzy show. From BLOGMAVERICK!:

Dennis takes every day people who decide they want to take a walk on the wild side. He turns secretaries into strippers, a biologist into a transvestite (emphasis totally mine and bwhahaha!!! -TheHype ed.) [...]

By the by, that picture is, duh, photoshopped. You can tell because Mark’s right boobie (nickname Theodore, isn’t regulation size)

And here’s a 6 minute-ish clip of this (highly recommended)

Believe it or not. I actually LIKE it. I think there’re some psychological lessons to be learned here about getting folks to loosen up a bit. I’m glad that finally, someone has the balls to do Pimp ME!

It’s too bad I don’t I have HDnet. And check out two commenters that had a run in with Dennis (which actually, I don’t think is a surprise anymore, cuz I mean, dude’s been everywhere right?)

Happy 27th of December! What a joyous day indeed. Today we come back with our returning champ Ken Jennings to play Jeopardy: NBA Injury Watch Showdown. It’s been a wacky first couple of NBA months with many key players sitting out. Oy, the New Year isn’t going to look fun for some fans out there I tell ya. But first, let’s take a look at our categories:

Alright Ken, your turn to pick.

Oh heh, well, I really don’t know anything about basketball… but I guess I’ll take “From Contenders to Pretenders” for $100! Haha, “Pretender” you remember that show? That was a cool show man, the guy got to pretend like different people..yeah.. fun stuff..

Um..oookaay.. let’s just see the clue:

…you know what other show was cool? Alias. I love those weird Rambaldi devices and the wicked spy gadgets! Ah.. and Ms. Jennifer Garner. Man what happened to it? It got all messed up when they jumped the timeline, don’t you hate when shows do that?—

… We were looking for Nenad Krstic… NENAD KRSTIC (how did you win all those times before?)

Okok, I actually know this one. I saw a documentary on this. It was the one where there were dinosaurs and pirates! Um.. uhh.. the name’s just on the tip of my tongue.. it’s it’s oooh ooh! OK I know! It’s Beethoven. aaaaha! Nah, just kidding Alex…. WHO IS Beethoven

OMG, are you high?? It’s flippin’ YAO! Last chance:

Who is Paul Pierce.

That..that.. is actually correct! Holy shit yes! How did you pull that off?!

I hate the Celtics. It’s that simple.

Of course.