photo courtesy: Cedar Heights Baptist Church

Today, Job is still listening to the accusations of his friends. I can imagine how frustrated Job is getting at this point, and like Job, I wish God did punish sinners so the friends would be struck by lighting or SOMETHING (a contagious boil or two would even suffice). Finally, Job has enough and tells the friends to shut up and to stop looking down on him as inferior.  Job is so confident that his current circumstance is not a result of him, but is a result of sovereign move of God’s hand. Although he questions God and asks for an explanation, he does not curse Him. He is certain God has a reason for testing him this way.

As I read the concerns of friends, I am reminded of a time in my life when things weren’t exactly going the way I wanted. I can remember the frustrations I felt as my friends continued to point out the “error of my ways” rather than building me up. Like Job, I felt the accountability of my friends was more detrimental to my spiritual walk than helpful. I question if this type of “accountability” is biblical. Concerning Job, if sin did not exist at this time, his friends were really an unnecessary thorn rather than an encouragement. I can only imagine how bad Job felt. What if Job’s friends continued to encourage him in the Lord? That would be more accountable than telling Job about some wrong they think he did. By seeing what accountability should not look like, I see a model of accountability that could be much more appropriate to the Christian walk.

Application: When holding a friend accountable, rather than pointing out the wrong behavior, try reminding your friend who they are. Encourage them that the negative behavior is unbecoming of who they are called to be and speak destiny into them. 

Each night you dream or have nightmares, your inner self or Spirit is giving you information, straight talk, about you and the life you’re creating by means of symbols and picture-grams. Remember you create your life, through your beliefs about self and life.

Computers have a basic ability that resembles our ability as humans, which is to enter data to get information. We can use our dreams to not only acquaint ourselves with who and what we are, but also to solve problems in our waking life.

Some people complain Spirituality takes too much thinking or time. What it does take is being. Being real and responsible with yourself about you and your behavior. Your life is about you, not the other guy/gal. Your dreams represent you. Even the characters, items and events in your dreams are about what they represent to you. These representations are known as symbols or symbolism.

You may have a brother or sister that represents intelligence and athleticism, while another brother or sister may represent good grooming, flirty with the opposite sex and lost when it comes to how to live. Jewelry can represent worth or value and also an item that attracts the wrong attention. Symbols are personal. To truly acquaint yourself with the symbols of your dreams and life, you need to take a pencil and paper and write down what people and things, that are regular in your dreams, represent to you. And make sure you include all the representations you can think of. Dreams, just like life, have many levels of understanding.

CAPT., HOW CAN I USE MY DREAMS WITHOUT ALL THOSE DETAILS?

– There is no shortcut in getting to know your self. You dream whether you remember them or not. You often act on dreams you’ve had, unconsciously and without knowing why. But here are some tips to using your dream laboratory passively.

CREATE A BUZZ OR EXCITEMENT IN YOUR SELF ABOUT USING YOUR DREAMS

– Bring to mind during your waking day that you’re going to ask questions of your dreams. Don’t obsess, but think of it, as you would, a date you might look forward to. That date is with your self!

Get into a good sleeping position, allow the images in your mind to pass without following them and

ASK FOR THE TYPE OF DREAM YOU WANT.

WHAT KIND OF DREAMS DO I NEED TO ASK FOR?

- For starters, I would ask for a dream that would bring about good health. You can also ask for a dream that will show you what you need to do to improve your health. [ As if you didn’t already know] A dream of the proper diet for you. Ask for a dream that will allow your body to reduce or eliminate pain. Ask for a dream where your Spirit assists you in finding solid approaches in changing your health for the better. Ask for a dream that will lead you to exercises or activities you enjoy taking part. Ask for a dream that will show you how to make depression a thing of the past. Ask for a dream to show you how to provide your own happiness. Ask for a dream of financial independence. Ask for a dream that frees you from your neediness. Ask for a dream of energy.

ASK FOR A DREAM THAT SHOWS YOU HOW TO HAVE RELATIONSHIPS OF RESPECT AND SELF WORTH

– Ask for a dream that helps you to neutralize a relationship of brutality, stubbornness, and/or lacking direction or ask for a dream that will lead you to freedom from said relationship. Ask for a dream to attract a mate who will accept you for who and what you are. Ask for dreams to illuminate how to overcome challenges within your relationship. Ask for a dream that will show you how to improve your self love, self worth, and self esteem. The most important relationship you have in your life is with yourself.

ASK FOR DREAMS THAT WILL SHOW YOU YOUR PASSIONS

- If you don’t know what your passions in life are this is one way of finding out. Passions are those activities you engage in for long periods that you thoroughly enjoy with little concept of time.

THINGS YOU HAVE LITTLE KNOWLEDGE OF, YOU CAN ASK FOR A DREAM THAT WILL ACCESS THAT INFORMATION FOR YOU.

Ask for a dream on how you should deal with a boss or co-worker on a project. Ask your dreams for strategies you can use to deal with work or personal projects.

As you can see, you can ask your dreams to give you information or knowledge on just about anything you can think of.

IN YOUR RESTFUL STATE, VISUALIZE (HOLD AN IMAGE IN YOUR MIND) YOURSELF POSING YOUR QUESTION AND ASKING FOR A DREAM SOLUTION. ALSO ASK THAT YOU BECOME AWARE OF THE SOLUTION EVEN IF YOU DON’T REMEMBER THE DREAM.

SEE YOURSELF WAKING REFRESHED AND FULL OF PROMISE, THEN LET IT GO!

WHEN YOU WAKEN, DO SO WITH THE FEELING THAT THE DREAM ANSWERS WILL BE REVEALED TO YOU.

Don’t allow yourself to be discouraged if the answer doesn’t come right away. You are just beginning to do this, but if you continue, you will become more proficient. Remember, this isn’t costing you a thing but a smidgen of your time, and it’s all about you.

YOUR DREAMS ARE FLOWING TO YOU UNDER THE SPIRITUAL LAWS OF ASK AND YOU RECEIVE, SEEK AND YOU FIND, KNOCK AND DOORS WILL OPEN, SOWING AND REAPING, AND LOVE.

If you need more information about dreaming check out:

Dreams! They’re worth getting into!

QUESTION EVERYTHING! THAT’S WHERE THE TRUTH RESIDES

Since MTV started the Real World, TV is saturated with Reality TV.  Maybe people were hooked because they saw people on television in real life, that they could relate to.  It may seem that these reality shows were to help the cast members or maybe even help the people who are watching.  What is clear is that with no drama, there will be no show!

There are shows that are somewhat interactive, like cooking shows (minus Top Chef), and this is not what I am focusing on.  What I am focusing on are the shows that actually follow the lives on a group of people.  A few of the popular franchises that stand out are The Real Housewives, Basketball Wives, Dance Moms, Hanging With The Kardasians, etc.

The one thing that the above franchises have in common is, “They already were living good lives at some point or another”.  It seems that the networks are making the rich richer and keeping the poor watching!  Again, this isn’t all of the Reality Shows but it is a good number of them and they become very popular by negative behavior and ignorance.

The shows are very entertaining and the players don’t mind, because a good number of them end up venturing into other money-making careers, that probably never crossed their minds before doing the show.  Don’t get me wrong it is nothing wrong with “getting your hustle on”, but getting it at what cost?  I haven’t done a study, this is just on general observation, so I welcome anyone to correct me if I am wrong.

Reality TV promotes, adults peeing in diapers, “Non f’g Factor” t-shirts, sleeping with other people’s significant others, having babies out-of-wedlock, beating people up, going into drunking-commas, taking drugs, pranks that does bodily harm, money driven/fake marriages, 4-year-olds with eyelashes and hairpieces talking back to their parents, those same parents living their dreams through their children to have a meal ticket, sex tapes, record deals for horrible singers, acting roles for people who can’t act, etc.  I could go on and on, but my point is, reality tv is pimping on ignorance and drama, making money on other people’s misery. Is that really what good ratings mean?

There are a lot of good that come out of the shows as well with record deals, independent companies, cosmetics, acting roles, new homes, and more.  However, the positive aspects will never outshine the negative aspects.  To those turning a new leaf, no matter how big the check, what was done in a  negative manner will be pinned to that person for life!

Wouldn’t it be nice to see reality TV on more:

• Jane/John Does doing all the right things to make it to the top and hopping over their obstacles to do it.
• Students from the hood given scholarships for college and display how they study hard to get themselves and their families out of poverty and make a better life for themselves?
• Pageants for little girls without makeup?
• Women/Men groups empowering one-another to have fabulous careers?
• Celebrities/Athletes/Fortune 500 Corporations-Individuals, get together and cure hunger?
• Regular families that handle situations in a civil ways (Sinbad’s Family Affair, Tia & Tamera, Giuliana and Bill)

It would be nice, but don’t hold your breathe, because very few non-drama/ignorance shows last in the Reality TV World.  Reality TV Pimping on Ignorance is more of a money-maker!

Why do I watch you ask?  Me putting out this blog isn’t going to change what is seen on television.  I would love for more shows to focus on positive images, but television content is not my choice.  The only difference is, while I may be blogging on what I see, I will give my opinion on the negative and the positive, but, I’m not getting paid…yet!  If I do, I hope to get more positive shows going.  I have been actually working on more positive show material, maybe one day it will come to life!

I’m SMarchel and Blog on it!  It’s my Opinion!

• What is your favorite Reality TV Show?
• What is your least favorite Reality TV Show?

I didn’t know how to react appropriately when I felt someone was criticizing me, even if it was fair, and furthermore was hard enough on myself that I lacked the patience to listen to anyone else telling me what I was already beating myself up for inside. On the occasions when I received criticism about something that I hadn’t been previously reflecting on I would immediately become dismissive without even hearing the other person out. This behavior wasn’t just reserved for teacher, coaches or other parental figures and undoubtedly the worst examples involved friends.

In addition to my inability to handle any form of criticism I was completely unapproachable when others had a problem with me or something that I had done. I plainly didn’t want to hear about things I did wrong or mistakes that I had made in my relationships. Instead, upon hearing the initial problems or complaints leave the other person’s mouth I fired back with a verbal assault that included every little thing I could think of that they had done to me, or not done for our relationship.

When I should have been listening to what they were saying, allowing it to sink in, and then thinking of an appropriate and composed way to respond, I was instead to busy getting angry and defensive. When this happened some people wouldn’t back down and were determined to have their issues and frustrations heard, but eventually even those with the most resolve to get through to me gave up.

When Barbara and I began dating toward the beginning of my senior year in high school I quickly realized that if I acted this way toward her that we wouldn’t be together very long, and at the time some probably thought my new demeanor signaled that I was finally maturing. Unfortunately, when I got to college I replicated many of the same destructive patterns of behavior that had plagued me and my relationships in high school, beginning with how I handled the problems that Jeff and I experienced during our first semester at Indiana.

Regrettable as all of my actions were toward many friends during high school and college I am thankfully a much calmer and rational person now; however periodically I do still think about what most contributed to my maturing. Perhaps it was just a matter of time before I realized that I was treating people the wrong way, but I’m sure after years of this negative behavior there were people close to me who thought I would never change. At this point in my life I pride myself on listening to what others have to say and then reflecting on it before I respond as calmly and thoughtfully as I can, but that honestly still isn’t something that is always easy for me.

Every once in a while I will still respond to friends in an emotionally charged way; however these infrequent outbursts are nowhere near as bad as they were when I was younger. In the end we all have things about ourselves that we would like to change, and while we are struggling to overcome them there are always going to be consequences that we’ll never be able to change or have the chance to fix. Even though I have been fortunate enough to repair some of the friendships that were damaged as a result of my actions years ago not all of them could be rekindled, which is the terrible cost of my learning a very value lesson in how to treat people.

1. When people make brief negative comments in conversation simply overlook them and continue to talk about the original subject as if their comment was never made. Hopefully, your lack of acknowledgement will discourage them!
2. Directly and calmly disagree with negative comments by stating positive opinions. This will stop their negative argument growing momentum.
3. Never remain silent or agree with negative opinions (if you disagree) since this will act to encourage their point of view.
4. Avoid arguments. Instead, restate the same goal or point in a positive way using the broken record metaphor if necessary.
5. Throw back their negativity by asking for and expecting a practical solution to the problem. Turning their negative energy may result in new ideas.

Can you add to the list? If so, please post a comment.

Thanks for reading.

Image: hebedesign.

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I have a terrible weakness when it comes to trash talking… especially regarding things I dislike.

Before becoming a Christian, this behavior didn’t seem to be something I needed to correct. I prided myself in being a positive person so I thought this mentality was okay, because after all it wasn’t like I was criticizing people I actually knew. That’s totally harmless behavior, right?

Since converting to Mormonism and even the few years before my conversion in which I studied spirituality with earnest, I found this mentality could actually crack open a door to full-blown TRASH TALKING/ALL AROUND GHETTO/POTTY MOUTH Plaza. You know that place we all visit from time to time…especially when we’re ticked off? (I had my own suite.)

I found when I dabbled (okay, not dabbled, but full-fledged body immersion) in trash talking of any kind, it became harder and harder to eliminate it from loved ones and friends. The more I found myself in this negative light, the easier it was to justify it to all other areas in my life.

It’s like once you decide to break your diet of not eating sugar of any kind and think: “Hmm…perhaps, sprinkling some brown sugar on my oatmeal isn’t bad enough to believe I’m actually breaking my non-sugar diet…” that keeping this mentality for so long (because you’re lying to yourself) the line becomes so hazy that taking a huge bite of chocolate cake seems perfectly reasonable. And before you know it…you’re eating brownies for breakfast, cake for lunch and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups for dinner.

Yes, I know, the above example of the non-sugar diet and RPBC’s for dinner seems far-fetched, but think about it for a second: Is it really?

How often do we allow a ‘little bit’ of things into our lives that we know are negative and can cloud our judgment because it is only a little? Because we think we’re not hurting anyone?

When things become so annoying it is difficult for me to keep my mouth shut, I pray for the strength to ignore it. After all…I have been known to ignore Heavenly Father and His many blessings…shouldn’t ignoring the things that cause me the most annoyance and lead to bad behavior be just as easy to ignore?

Not always, sadly enough, but I’m working on it. Becoming more Christ-like has never meant more to me than it does at this point in my life. Perhaps it is because my children are paying more attention to the things I do and say…or perhaps it is because things are starting to make more sense in my ‘mature’ age.

The great thing about having free will is we also have it in us to will OUT the negative and will IN the positive. We just have to actually want to do it.

That’s what my mother used to tell me, and it remains true today.

I’ve been thinking  about Mother’s advice a lot lately, and I guess because I have, I have been receiving a lot of input from the Universe pertaining to the subject of complaining.

Caroline Myss

It all started with a message from Caroline Myss. 

Caroline is conducting a workshop called Addiction: Explored as an Archetypal Journey Toward Personal Empowerment in August. She believes that the struggle with addictions may be one of the foremost defining health challenges of our age, and as indicated, her subject is addictions—but not those generally associated with the addicted personality: drugs, alcohol, food, and sex. Caroline maintains that there is a secondary ring and even a third ring of habits that most people would not even consider addictions. Among these more subtle obsessions is—you guessed it—complaining.

Complaining is, of course, a catch-all phrase for negative behavior; included with complaining are bad habits such as blaming, criticizing, whining, nagging, griping, moaning, worrying, suffering, and just generally acting like a victim.

Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks

Many well-known and respected authors and speakers have addressed how destructive complaining can be. For example, therapists Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks discuss the dangers of blaming and complaining in their Conscious Partnering Course. They claim that “blame and criticism is the #1 reason why relationships fail. Most couples split up, family members stop talking or business partnerships fail because one or both of the parties gets tired of being blamed or criticized.” In another section they go on to say that:

Unconscious manifestation thrives on complaining. We keep our childhood programming in place by complaining to willing listeners that we’ve been victimized. When people challenge us to take charge of our lives, we often get defensive and argue that our limiting beliefs are valid and necessary.

I also received a similar message from spiritual self-help teacher Arielle Ford. In her latest Soulmate Secret newsletter (#110, July 5, 2011), she writes that some people are addicted to suffering. They have lived in the pain of their “poor me” story for so long that they just can’t let it go, not even aware that they are attached to suffering. Arielle makes a point I agree with completely:

Suffering is optional. Suffering is a choice. Suffering comes from your story about what is happening in your life and less about what is actually happening. What is happening is simply what is happening. The suffering part comes from all your interpretations and meanings about the experience. Change your story and the way you are interpreting reality and you begin to change your reality. When you change your reality within yourself you shift your experience of your reality outside. Once you understand this, you only suffer if you choose to.

Of course, we all know that criticizing someone else is really a way of excusing our own behavior. It is too uncomfortable to blame ourselves because then we might have to take a close look inside—and we just might not like what we see.

These teachers do have suggestions for how to correct our negative habits, or even avoid them all together.

Caroline Myss: 

In her Addictions workshop, addiction will be explored as journey of personal empowerment. The tools she offers are:

• Discussion of certain archetypes that have a particularly dominant influence.
• Discussion of the nature of possession and what it means to “be possessed.”
• Methods and practices for moving out of the addictive cycle.
• Exercises aimed at doing personal work for a new perspective on addiction.

Arielle Ford:

Life is too short to waste spent suffering.

• Accept what is.
• Embrace your current experience.
• Focus on what you can control.
• Embrace change.
• Take full responsibility for your current reality and give up blame.
• Be grateful.
• Tell the truth.

The Hendricks: 

If you want to stop your unconscious patterns cold, stop complaining. Put yourself on a radical complaint-fast for one day.

• Discover what you complain about.
• Don’t let a single complaint out of your mouth.
• Discover the people you complain to (people who willingly listen to your complaints over and over).
• Commit to a life completely free of complaints; speak the following sentence aloud, from the bottom of your heart:
• I,___________, commit to a complaint-free life.
• As you flow through your week, float this affirmation through your mind and body:
• Blessings flow in the areas of my life I used to complain about.

In my next posting I want to tell you about a little book I read called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

It’s been out awhile so you may have read it already. However, I think it’s worth a mention in connection with this discussion of negative behaviors and self-limiting beliefs—where they come from and what to do about them. In the meantime . . .

Blessings,

This Old Crone

A tale is told about the Buddha, Gautama (563-483 BC), the Indian prince and spiritual leader whose teachings founded Buddhism.  This short story illustrates that every one of us has the choice whether or not to take personal offence from another person’s behavior.

It is said that on an occasion when the Buddha was teaching a group of people, he found himself on the receiving end of a fierce outburst of abuse from a bystander, who was for some reason very angry.

The Buddha listened patiently while the stranger vented his rage, and then the Buddha said to the group and to the stranger, “If someone gives a gift to another person, who then chooses to decline it, tell me, who would then own the gift?  The giver or the person who refuses to accept the gift?”

“The giver,” said the group after a little thought. “Any fool can see that,” added the angry stranger.

“Then it follows, does it not,” said the Buddha, “Whenever a person tries to abuse us, or to unload their anger on us, we can each choose to decline or to accept the abuse; whether to make it ours or not.  By our personal response to the abuse from another, we can choose who owns and keeps the bad feelings.”

How often do we blame another for making us feel bad, when in fact we have only ourselves to blame for having chosen to let their actions cause us misery?

~B

For instance, today I was working along, researching a problem a staff member brought me, trying to get to the root cause of the calls coming in and the staff member found the short answer, shared it with everybody and my instinctive thought was that he was making a gesture that I’m just not good enough…..See?  the Low Tolerance had kicked in.  Instead of allowing me to do my job while he went on with what was actually his job, this staff member decided to blur the lines and take time off of what he was SUPPOSED to do in order to be pointedly impolite or thoughtless or just plain rude….See what I mean?  That Low Tolerance had gotten completely out of control.  The reality was that my team member found an answer that helped everybody, yea him!  Let’s hear it for team work, right? 

Fortunately I didn’t say anything, I just waited til I simmered down and then I got to thinking about other times when I’ve suffered from an acute attack of Low Tolerance….

• When my daughter was going through being a teenager and brought everyone’s tea to the table except mine and I went completely off on her.  I mean, seriously?  I couldn’t have just gotten the tea myself?
• When my oldest son saluted me in a fit of anger and I went completely off the rails – yes, I used physical means to get my point across, which only resulted in my hand swelling up to twice its normal size.
• When I discovered my youngest had started smoking and (he will swear to you) I got as tall as he was in my anger and told him off good!  He still smokes, by the way, but now he just lies about it.
• When my ex-husband ….  no, that was justified
• When my ex-employer …. no, that was justified
• At any point in my childhood when I got mad at my sisters and they just kept working me until I was RAGING!  All I did was provide entertainment, I didn’t solve a darn thing. 
• When my other ex-husband …. nope, justified

I know there are lots of examples and I’m sure you have them, too.  I guess where I’m going with this is that in order to manage Low Tolerance you have to ask yourself some questions:

1. Is my anger and frustration going to change anything except the quality of my day?
2. Is that of which I’m intolerant personal?  Is it aimed directly at me or is it   just the nature of the situation?
3. Is it really any of my business? 
4. Is there a way around the behavior that makes the situation easier to deal with?
5. In the larger view does this particular thing even matter?

Now I’m not foolish enough to believe you all think I stop and think everything over before I react, I gave you a list of times where I didn’t.  But moving forward, I’m going to try this….most of the time.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

Would love to hear some Low Tolerance stories if you have them!

Peas and Olive Juice

Eating a sumptuous meal with friends and getting hit by huge nuggets of timely wisdom are two things that make life so sweet!

This happened to me recently.

And I couldn’t have needed the advice more.

Re-enacted, this is what my friend said: 

“You know, sometimes we carry around emotional baggage that really belongs to other people.

Instead of letting them take responsibility for their garbage, we pick it up and take it home.”

So she strives to respect the good in others, while not taking on the toxic part of their lives–the parts that keep her from dealing with her own issues.

And respect, in essence, should enable us humans to make progress toward a cleaner, more honest approach to our problems and spend less time complaining about them.

Here are 5 reasons why carrying someone else’s baggage is actually counter productive:

1. It extends another person’s control over us in a manipulative way. This happens especially when we allow others to make us feel guilty.  We need to honestly analyze our part in a situation and own up to any mistakes. But never, never accept condemnation for holding the line on what’s rightly our territory.

2. We become slowly corrupted and jaded by the negative people we are “helping.”  Regardless of whether we are in a “mentoring” role, a ”trying-to-fit-in” click or a “misery-loves-company” relationship, we will become more dysfunctional and more bitter in direct proportion to our contact with that situation.  It is important to choose friends that challenge us toward positive growth.

3. We condone and propagate negative behavior. It is a waste of time to try to appease guilt trips, to engage in “triangular” gossip about others, or to routinely pick up the slack in other people’s lives.  These actions allow the behavior to continue. 

4. Over burdened and unfocused, our priorities suffer because we’ve probably lost sight of them! Remember the proverb about the toothpick lodged in your neighbor’s eye? Same with priorities.  We spend so much time worrying about what the President’s doing, why Aunt Matilda lets her son treat her like that, and how come the neighbor-kid’s face is always dirty.  We need to take on our own priorities and do them well.  Chisel down that log in our own eye so we can see what really matters.

5. We  become ineffective in using our gifts to help others.  Distraction from our purpose in life can come in many forms.  “Helping” and “worrying” are two that I’m familiar with.  We miss out on our full potential and, others are shortchanged by our emotional or physical absence.

Do you have people in your life that you allow to “dump” on you?  Who else is suffering because you carry around other people’s toxic waste?

These are 8 steps in helping your child feel good about themselves:

1) Clearly define rules and limits – Consistency, consistency, consistency.  Enforcing appropriate punishment and rewards with fixed timeout’s, must be adhered in a specific manner every time. Also, understand that children cannot always adhere to the strict limits and one must allow for changes for their personal child.

2) Provide children with responsibility activities – A child feels important and valued when given a task or opportunity to which they can receive praise.

3) Have reasonable expectations – All children are not geniuses, model-esq, and cannot perform activities as successfully as adults.  Let children reach attainable goals freely, with your support.

4) Role model well for your child(ren) – Children look-up to their parents and need an example set for behavior.  Teach children right and wrong, and the consequences of mistakes.  Children who learn from their parents about the challenges in life, often far better when faced with adversity.  Give them someone to run to when faced with challenges; and be the parent who practices what they preach.

5) Recognize your child’s emotions, ideas, and feelings – Children often only have their own emotions as a form of communicating their thoughts.  Understanding and listening to your child’s feelings and moods, can help a child understand that you are providing a reciprocal relationship of support.  Treating children with respect can provide healthy communication throughout childhood and adolescence.

6) Spend time together – Make time to get to know your child(ren), free from other disturbances.  Children need attention that is one-on-one, helping them to understand your commitment to your relationship with them.  Be available for support in times of adversity, and allow for debriefing or open communication periods to foster healthy discussions.

7) Provide positive feedback – Seeing a child performing negatively is easier to see, than seeing a positive action.  Look for the positive activities more often, provide feedback on a “job well done”; and you will see a change for the better, in the behavior of your child.

8) Show how important a child is to you – Children are involved in all sorts of activities.  When parents fail to attend concerts, games, or shows; they can often send a message that equates to failure.  Children do not compute work obligations, even if a parent provides a detailed explanation.  When children are attempting to perform and the other parents of children are providing positive feedback, your child is left feeling unimportant.

These steps are the beginning to forming healthy bonds with children and increasing their self-esteem.  The biggest saboteur of following these steps is: conflicting parenting techniques or failure to follow the same set of rules.  If you are in a dual parent relationships, sit down with your significant other and discuss the new techniques you are going to use in your family.  Understand the background and receive input on each of the ways you wish to improve your relationship with your child; because you may improve the relationship with your significant other also.  Be on the same page, and you will be able to complete the entire chapter together.

(Question posed by Karen Graves Clark on LinkedIn)

Jennifer Carlisle’s answer:

I call this the Eeyore Syndrome. My preferred approach is to treat Mr. Eeyore as if he were the positive contributor I would like him to be, with the expectation that he will eventually get in the habit of responding in kind. For example, in response to his “there were clouds in the sky” statement, I would tell him I was glad he brought that up and ask what options he thought we should consider. I would also ask other team members their thoughts on the subject, because if there is an Eeyore, there is also someone who keeps quiet but may have solid input to share.

Treating negative staff members differently than positive staff members reinforces their negative behavior, in my opinion. Yes, you need to make sure negative behavior isn’t rewarded, and no, you don’t want to make organizational decisions based solely on one team member’s opinions, but you can effectively convert this person’s point of view into actionable ideas with enough dedicated coaching.

There are  many diagnostic criteria and definitions available, the purpose here is not to make a classification, but rather to highlight non-productive behaviors and help eradicate them from your life.

Want the whole story? Read Codependent No More, available in ThisLifeOnEarth Bookstore.

Below,  I reprint general patterns and characteristics as a tool to aid in self-evaluation.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others’ approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others’ anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others’ opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they “should” think and how they “truly” feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be “needed” in order to have a relationship with others.

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors – All Rights Reserved

There are two Lunar Nodes in your birth chart, the North Node & the South Node. The are not planets but a pair of points in your chart that speak of your positive qualities that you need to develop & the negative qualities you need to release. In classical astrology, the North Node is called the Dragon’s Head and the South Node is called the Dragon’s Tail, symbolizing a Celestial Dragon. It is believed that we enter the world “head first” carrying positive qualities to work with and trailing a “tail” of negative qualities to dispense with.

Each node is located in one of your houses, this will determine what your positive & negative qualities are. The North Node represents qualities to expand, gifts to use, your life purpose, and tasks to be mastered.  The South Node represents negative behavior to release and destructive patterns that you need to let go of.

 If you want to know where your nodes are located in your chart just email us with your Date of Birth (month, day & year) the Time and Place (city, state, country) you were born in at miraclesnmagic@comcast.net and we can tell you. We can also do your whole chart if you want just email us for payment info.

Most people who followed the actor’s career knew that he had a problem with drugs and alcohol. His problem was actually much more severe than your typical college binge drinking and occasional Hollywood drug use. Farley started drinking in highschool, and started drugs in college, and couldn’t stop doing either. Though he took his work at Olympic Improv, Second City, and SNL seriously, his addictions were controlling his life, and spiraling him downward into a dark place personally. I think many people would surmise that I learned some lesson concerning addiction or moderation from his story. While I did my fair share of drinking/partying in college, I never had a “drinking problem,” and have never touched a drug. What I am struck by is not Farley’s behavior, but the behavior of his close friends and family.

Everyone around Farley knew what he was doing. They could see how out of control he was allowing his life to become. They saw his unhappiness and knew that he did not want to be the “big fat drunk guy.” They walked him home drunk every night, woke him up after he passed out, watched him trip on various drugs, saw him become obsessed with addiction, and sat back and did NOTHING. Quite a few people that contributed to the book stated that they would allow his natural charm and charisma talk them out of confronting him. A brave few would say something like, “So, what’s going on? Why are you drinking so much?” and the second Farley showed disinterest in what they were saying, they backed off and never brought it up again. Now, to be fair, people did start interventions once the problem had gotten extremely serious, and he was beginning to put his life in physical danger. However, I stop and think, would he have died if someone had stepped in earlier? Could it have been prevented if someone had been brave enough to say to him in highschool or in college, “Hey, we need to talk. I’m worried,” and not let him persuade them to stop talking…What if?

So where is the lesson for us? Its twofold really…First, is there someone in your life that has strayed? Maybe they aren’t spiraling out of control from insane amounts of alcohol, mushrooms, cocaine, whatever….but, maybe they have lost their way…lost their faith…given up on a career….stopped going to church…aren’t taking college seriously…allowing something negative to control them….in a relationship that is unhealthy…Are you allowing your like of this person to prevent you from loving them in a dangerous way? My principal used a term called, “courageous conversations.” Who are you allowing to slip just because you are scared of how they will react to your gentle correcting/loving intervention? Is there a “Farley” in your life?

Okay, now wait…before you go “confronting in love,” there are a few principles you need to remember. First, you need to prayerfully and carefully choose your words. Confronting someone in a way that puts them on the defensive typically can and will end up doing more harm than good. Approaching the person needs to be done because you truly care about them, not because you want to condemn them or have some time on your personal soapbox. This leads to principle two…genuine friendship/relationship. There are lots of people I think are doing dumb things. However, I know that it would be completely wrong for me to just go up to every casual acquaintance/casual friend I have and let them know my personal opinions on their life choices. That would be going against principles one and two. You need to have a relationship built on trust and respect before you can effectively confront someone. If that type of relationship is in place, you will also be more likely to approach the confrontation from a place of love and concern, not opinions and judgment.

Secondly, there is a lesson to be learned for all of us. We might be in a “Farley” situation…doing something that is unhealthy, detracting from our walk with God, causing us to lose our way, etc. We need to be open to those people in our lives who may have the courage to confront us, and allow them to speak truth into our life. I can remember a few instances where a close friend pulled me aside, and in a calm and gentle manner, (using the Matthew 18 principle when needed) called me out on stupid things I was doing. Yeah, at the time, it hurt a little. No one likes to hear the truth. No one likes to know that other people recognize the dumb things we are doing….typically because we know we are being dumb, and lack the courage to change..Having someone call us out, only makes it more likely that we will have to change, angering us. However, now, as I look back, I am so grateful to those people, who loved me enough to stop me before I spiraled out of control…who helped me get back on track….who cared enough to not allow me to screw up my life.

So, do you have a Farley in your life that you need to confront in love? Someone you have been watching go astray while you sat idly by….too scared to say anything? Do you love them enough to stop them before they “overdose?” If someone comes to you, or has come, and you’ve shut them out, are you brave enough to change? to listen? Don’t let the things of this world take you before your time. Don’t let them rob you of the happiness you can have. Don’t be a Farley, and stop allowing those you love and care for to be one either. They might end up in a van down by the river, and you wouldn’t want that would you? =)

Siblings without rivalry is a topic quite dear to my heart and life right now.  My youngest two children often get caught in the tangles of rivalry.  This week we will be talking about how you can undo this negative behavior in your children.  And how children can use certain aspects of rivalry to improve their self-esteem without crushing and destroying their siblings

Join us for this week to gain the secrets of  how Siblings without rivalry can bring high self-esteem to your family, and create a calm and peaceful home for your children to grow up in.

Tickle Me Tuesday

A special expert article will be available on our featured topic, Siblings With Rivalry.

Wisdom Wednesday

This week I will be writing about how you can use your power of love to guide your children from being rivals, and giving you practical tips to understand and change the rivalry in your house to support and encouragement.

GEM Parenting Secrets is on Wednesday.

This week’s title is: Siblings Without Rivalry- a discussion based on the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Learn about how you can use your power of love to guide your children from being rivals, and giving you practical tips to understand and change the rivalry in your house to support and encouragement.

For only $5.99you can join this teleseminar and find out the best ways to reduce sibling rivalry and the stress that comes with sibling rivalry and gain the freedom for your children to grow and develop the beautiful Gem that is within each of them.

As a registered participant you will have the opportunity to ask your questions and directly benefit you family’s self-esteem and reduce sibling rivalry.

By the way, GEM Parenting Secrets has a new time- 8:30 pm Eastern

Thoughtful Thursday

If you are not able to be present for GEM Parenting Secrets then the pod cast is the perfect answer. Siblings Without Rivalry-a discussion based on the book by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish -podcast will be released to the public.  To listen to the teleseminar at your leisure click here.   The podcast will not be available till Thursday.

Focused Friday

I will answer your questions about siblings without rivalry.  Now is the time to get ready for next week; our topic will be TOO MUCH STUFF and NOT ENOUGH RESPONSIBILITY. With guest speaker Dr. Marilyn Heins. Send in your questions for Dr. Heins to be sure your personal concern is addressed.  Email your questions to: grace@gemparenting.com

Creative Crayon Club

Come join us for some activities and new products to help your family have siblings without rivalry and let your children’s high self esteem grow in each of your children individually.

Have a wonderful week.

Once the FBA is conducted, the behavior staff and IEP team should have a more clearly identified map of when and where the student is able to function successfully and productively. Having that map, the team then tries to create a set of positive behavioral reinforcements, coupled with an environment that most similarly matches those times of successful behaviors, and writes them into a Behavior Intervention Plan. The BIP, is actually the document that will contain a clear description of what the Target Behaviors are, what the motivators have been found to be for those behaviors, and what proactive and reactive interventions will be implemented, in order to achieve new, improved, targeted behaviors.

Important to every BIP is to understand that it is not an “end all” and it may in fact not be successful. Keeping that in mind though, if everyone involved with working with the student can consistently administer the BIP strategies (both proactive and reactive) there should be a noticeable change in behaviors. At first, one should expect to see an increase in negative behaviors. This maybe due to the fact that people are being more adept in addressing behaviors that were always present, and going un-addressed, or it may be that the spike in behaviors is a result of the student resisting the tighter level of control, and acting out negatively in response. This, again, is where the importance of everyone involved with working with the student maintaining consistent sets of expectations, and forms of addressing the behaviors (both positive and negative) is important. Constant feedback from staff and parents, is what will assist the student in learning the new and more desired behaviors.