If I had the answer to that, I’d be a very rich woman. I do however, know what pain does not want. Pain does not want to be cold.

Pain could care less that winters look much better in white. Pain doesn’t care much for the ski trip you booked way back when. And pain could really, really care less for the fact that you look fantastic in [faux] fur.

Yet, year after year…. winter rolls on – and baby it’s cold outside.

Let’s warm it up a bit shall we? xx

(Pics via myself mostly. With a few Pinterest thrown in for good measure…) 

In my last post I spoke about Merry Melancholy and why the holidays are not always so happy.  As I am suffering from both physical and emotional pain, especially during this time of year, I have put together some tips on how to put the happy back in the holidays.

1-     Know when to get help.

First, depression can feel like it will never end, but in most cases, I can tell you from a personal and professional standpoint, that it will ease up.  However, if your depression is serious and you feel as though you may harm yourself, please seek medical attention.

2-     Let go of perfection.

If you are like me and you remember perfect holidays from your childhood and you are trying to recreate them, look back on those holidays with adult eyes.  I don’t mean to look back at the negative or to tarnish wonderful memories, but look at the “perfect” Christmas for what it really was and try not to hold yourself to an impossible standard.  You are not a Kay Jewelers commercial.

Like I said in the earlier post, I remember Norman Rockwell Christmases as a child, but I know that behind the perfect picture I was seeing, was a lot of stress.  Perhaps the “perfect” holiday only seemed perfect because I was with my family and there was enough love to cover the many imperfections.  I remember one particular Christmas, when I was about eleven, when I began to see just how hard it was for my parents to pull off these perfect festivities.  Santa always came to visit on Christmas Eve which just seemed…magical.  Even after I stopped believing, Santa’s visit was still just so fun.  I’m sure, however, that it was not as much fun for my Uncle Fran who dressed up as Santa.  One year, to combat the kid’s pulling off his beard and exposing his true identity, he used glue to secure his beard.  It worked.  No one saw that Santa was actually a young Italian, but that evening I remember seeing my uncle, my mother and my aunt in the bathroom at Grandma’s house trying to unglue his beard while Uncle Fran used some pretty un-merry words as his skin was being ripped off.  It was hysterical and it just goes to show you that there is no such thing as perfection, it’s about perception.

3-     It’s okay not to be happy.

If you are not happy and merry, it’s okay.  Remember, 45% of people are not as happy as they seem during the holidays, so you are not alone.  Try not to let being down get you down. Sometimes, hyper-focusing on the fact that you are not happy when you are supposed to be can make you feel even more agitated and unhappy.  I sometimes go to parties and feel very sad.  I don’t force myself to be happy, yet sometimes, without trying, I am able to smile and enjoy myself.  The pressure to be happy only leads to more unhappiness, so let it go.  You are human and no one expects you to be jolly all the time, after all, you are not Santa Claus.

4-     Set limits in social gathering.

Set limits on the amount of time you spend at social gatherings.  Everyone will get their share of you, don’t worry.  If you haven’t had one-on-one time with your significant other, or even your best friend, plan a date night or get together with that person and talk about anything BUT Christmas and what needs to be done.  Remember, it’s okay to turn down a few festivities and allow some time for yourself.  Your family and friends will understand.

5-     Take care of yourself.

If you suffer from chronic pain, like I do, schedule a few appointments to pamper yourself.  Book a massage, get a pedicure, or just take a bath and try to ease your pain. Remember to take your medications, even with the crazy scheduling and, of course, check the warnings on any medications you take to be sure that adding a few cups of eggnog are not going to make you feel worse! I know that pain doesn’t disappear during the holidays and that it can put a damper on events, and that’s okay.  It’s not your fault you are in pain and your friends and loved ones should understand if you can’t make it or stay through every event.  Although the holidays are about good will towards others, do yourself a favor and take care of YOU first.  You can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first.

6-     Screw New Year’s resolutions.

There, I said it.  Same goes for thinking back on the year.  The year was what it was and harping on what you did or didn’t do won’t change anything.  I pretend that January 1^st is the same as any other day.  When I want to change something in my life, I do it when I am ready, not just because it is the first day of the year.  It is okay to think back on the year and have hopes for the future, but ruminating on either (or both) will only increase your anxiety and depression.  For auld lang syne, my dear.

7-     Set holiday spending limits.

Finally, when it comes to spending, set limits and try to stick to them.  When the over-commercialization of the holidays gets to you, try to think about the non-commercial joys in your life, like family and friends, and especially pets.  If you are Christian, take time to pray and to remember that the Christmas season is supposed to be about Christ, not Macy’s and Target.

The holidays can be a very difficult time of year for many people.  I have to remind myself every day that the depression will ease up.  When I feel sad, especially during the happy holidays, I try to lean on those I love the most.  I try (not always successfully) to focus on the things I love about this time of year and to be thankful for what I do have.

I wish you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and if you are not merry or happy, that’s okay too. What do you do to battle holiday blues?

Bah-humbug. Maybe the Grinch had it right. What is it about the most wonderful time of the year that makes it so depressing? My home is decorated beautifully. The smells of (fake) pine and hot apple cider (scented candles) permeate the house…on the outside everything looks merry and bright. But on the inside, I am battling a depression that is very unmerry. According to the National Institute of Health, the rates of depression and suicide skyrocket to 45% during the Christmas season. What a merry thought! So, why is it that the happy holidays make us so unhappy?

Let’s start with perfection. It seems there is an even greater demand to be perfect at Christmas. With every commercial depicting Norman Rockwell-type picturesque Christmas scenes, many of us feel the need to create the “perfect” holiday. I don’t even have to arrange many holiday events and it still stresses and bums me out. As a child, I remember these amazing, festive, fun Christmas Eve parties with my whole family, not to mention a visit from Santa. From what I remember it was…perfect. As an adult I realize the perfect Christmases that I experienced were probably far from it. Because I was viewing Christmas through a child’s eyes, I didn’t see that my mom was probably sweating through her Santa hat while in the kitchen trying to put together our Italian feast, my brothers and I were likely having temper tantrums over toys we didn’t want to share, the tree decorating always caused a fight and half the time the darn thing ended up being tied to the window to keep it from falling. In effect, the notion of a perfect Christmas is something for children, as it’s a little less perfect as adults. Yet at this time of year we hold ourselves to an unrealistic standard of perfection and when we don’t meet that, it leads to depression.

There is also the expectation, nay the demand, to be happy and merry. After all, we say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas, right? When you are less than jolly during the merriest time of year, it can lead to feelings of guilt and further perpetuate depression. It’s the hap-happiest time of the year, so why am I not happy? Having to smile when your heart hurts is very difficult. I often feel like my unhappiness, if not well-hidden, is going to ruin everyone else’s time. I also feel guilty because my husband comes home every night to a sullen, irritable wife. I liken it to being in a dark cave where I can see the twinkling of Christmas lights at the end of the proverbial tunnel, but I can’t seem to walk toward it. It feels like the closer we get to the holidays, the further into the hole I go.

There is an incredible amount of social pressure during the holidays, not to mention dividing of time among families. As a child it was Christmas Eve with the extended family and Christmas Day with my immediate family. For 28 years I knew nothing else. For about 15 of those Christmases I would stare at the tree and wish so hard for the man of my dreams to find me, you know, the husband from the commercials who gives his wife the perfect gift, is always there to help and cuddles with her in front of the fireplace? Although I do have an amazing husband (but still no fireplace), that Christmas wish brought with it a whole new set of anxieties and responsibilities…new traditions and the dividing of holidays. During the holidays there are twice as many family engagements and three times as many discussions about how much time to spend where and with whom. Sadly, with the depression that has taken hold of me this year, I have been opting to isolate and do nothing instead of trying to do everything. I am well aware of the fact that isolating doesn’t help the depression, but sometimes, when you are expected to be happy and smiling at every festive event, I just can’t fake it, so I hide.

In addition to the emotional pain of depression, over the past couple of Christmases I have also been coping with physical pain. Do you know what a four-hour holiday party feels like when you are sitting on a tailbone with nerve damage? It’s holiday hell. I spend most of my parties shifting positions and taking pain medication, only to have to fight to stay awake after they make me want to crawl into bed. Add to that a fibro flare which has been brought about as a result of the added stress and depression, and aching joints and bones because of the cold, well, let’s just say I don’t know how ol’ Mrs. Claus can handle the North Pole.

The fact that it’s another year over also means I spend a lot of time looking back over the past year. What have I accomplished? What could I have done differently? What can I look forward to next year, what are my resolutions? Anyone who has been following my blog knows that ruminating on the year I have had is NOT going to make me feel a whole lot better. I have had one of the most difficult years of my life. Thinking about it and what next year may or may not bring doesn’t exactly put me in the Christmas spirit.

And how can I forget the commercialization of Christmas. I enjoy shopping, right up until the middle of November when it seems like the stores pump evil in through the heating vents. Everyone is hurried and harried trying to check off their lists. Children are having meltdowns in every aisle (probably sensing their parents stress) and it seems that every year the prices of gifts gets higher and higher. It’s no wonder it’s hard to be jolly when this time of year brings about additional financial stresses. I love giving gifts, but my credit card statements beg to differ.

I know I sound like the biggest Grinch in the world, but heck, even the Grinch’s heart grew. I do really enjoy Christmas, or better said I really want to enjoy the holidays. I haven’t given up hope on the Christmas spirit yet. Stay tuned to my next post for tips on how to combat holiday blues.

In the meantime, tell me, how are you feeling this holiday season?

Resources and information from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/wired-success/201011/why-people-get-depressed-christmas

I lost my appetite and consequently my weight too. Annoying at the least. As if I didn’t feel bad enough already.

I am better now, much better actually. I just have a little bit of the sniffles and cough only apparent when I laugh. Honestly, I sound like a smoker when I laugh.  But what doesn’t have me laughing is my lost poundage. Blah.
I’ll do better soon. I am sure of it.

I haven’t been running or jumped rope recently either. That nerve pain has been on the rise again. It fatigues me and zaps me of ambition and willpower. My surgery is less than a month away and I’m hoping that an easy surgery, excellent recovery lie ahead and will guide me on to easier workouts, increased appetite, weight gain, and blood donation. Fingers crossed.  In the meantime give for me and share with me why you do. Thanks.

You know I love a good pun! And in my opinion, the article “Chronic Pain Affects Memory and Mood” (read by clicking here, or on the above headline) – while indeed scientific – may be ‘disproven’ simply by the Chronic Pain Patient taking a ‘Mind over Matter’ approach, per say. 

Am I claiming that Chronic Pain does not affect memory and mood? Absolutely not. As a patient myself, I know firsthand how frustratingly fuzzy life can at times seem. Instead, I’m claiming that Chronic Pain does not necessarily have to permanently and negatively affect memory and mood.

Of course, education is key, and it’s only responsible that we learn as much as we can about our conditions. However, I believe that should we entirely believe in this science, should we base our entire existence as Chronic Pain patients on these studies – especially those based on the brain, an organ we ultimately know so little about (who knows what unknown realm is compensating up there!) – we run the risk of ‘embodying the rat’, so to speak. 

What I mean is… suppose that you’re an ‘adult’ Chronic Pain sufferer in your very exciting first year of university! You work really hard, but with your pain condition – as is to be expected – some days are tougher than others. You’re smart. You’re organized. You do what you can to stay on top of your game. BUT… at times you’re foggy. In addition to this, the constant pain wears down on you and negatively affects your mood. As I said, some days are tougher than others. 

You can choose to define yourself by this study. Or you can choose to do what it takes. 

Would it really be wise to tell an ‘adult’ Chronic Pain sufferer about to begin university that they have an impaired memory? That it’s not to be regained? Not by my books. No, thank you. How could we ever expect any progress? 

Pain doesn’t make you any less of a person! In fact, I’m actually appreciative of my tough days. Before I have you asking, “Wait, what – is she a nut job?!” let me explain myself…

I feel as though – through all of my fuzziness and emotional wear and tear – I’ve been lucky enough to learn at a young age, that to keep on keeping on, the added value of a little extra hard work and some good organizational skills never hurt anyone. As things thankfully start to look up with my new treatment, so does my work. 

Maybe they need to test some new mice. There’s no impairment here, thanks. 

Be well, everyone! – Danielle xx

(Ps: this is my opinion. I’m not a scientist. But then again, they aren’t patients…)

“Chronic Pain Affects Memory and Mood” – Or Does It?

Not enjoying this at all. Something else to add to my fun list of things. Anyone have any ideas of what could be causing this?

Me- 1 Year Ago

Me- Current

Having spent almost my entire life battling my weight and overeating, I find myself in very new territory.  Since my surgery I have lost over 105 pounds.  Prior to the second surgery, I found myself getting closer and closer to that 300 pound mark on my scale.  I have lost a significant amount of weight two other times in my life, but always found myself quickly returning to that unhealthy, high number.

After surgery, I realized that my rods and screws were never going to hold if I didn’t get myself into a real physical therapy program.  I was so thankful to have found Natural Medicine and Rehabilitation in Branchburg, NJ.  They have an AMAZING staff that has dedicated their time and support to helping me get back on my feet.  I can’t say enough amazing things about the staff.  Over the past 6 months they have been there every step of the way with a tailored workout program and, in the beginning, chiropractic care and massage.

My program currently consists of three 90 minute workouts a week that include strength training with weights, stabilization and core exercises and cardio for 30 minutes.  I am supervised by the PT assistant, my bud, Steve.  The greatest part about doing my exercises at the therapy gym, as opposed to a traditional fitness center, is that I am always supervised, so when my movements are incorrect, I am corrected, when I don’t understand an exercise, it is demonstrated for me and when I am having a tough day, they don’t just write it off, they talk to me.  They help me to figure out why I might be in more pain or feeling less motivated than usual.  “What’s going on?” is asked of me, instead of just, “feel better.”

Just last week the physical therapist, Pat, took time from her busy schedule to sit me down, take my blood pressure and talk to me about why I was not feeling well. This is where the uncharted territory begins.  I am actually having the opposite problem that I have had for most of my life.  I am not eating enough and when I do eat enough calories, I am lacking basics like protein or calcium or even sugar.  I am learning a new way to live but I have lived my life in blacks and whites.  When I have been overweight, I ate without regard to what or how much I ate.  Now that I am losing weight and in much better shape, my appetite has decreased (thanks in part to pain medication) and I actually forget to eat.  Now, in my life I have forgotten many things- where I put my keys, where I parked the cars, heck I have even forgotten to put on a bra on occasion, but I have NEVER forgotten to eat.  As a result, I don’t think, “hey, it’s lunchtime, I should find something healthy to eat.”  Instead I find myself skipping meals or eating only small portions of foods that do not give me the nutrition I need.

My workouts extend beyond the physical therapy gym.  My wonderful dog, Coco, enjoys dragging me around the block everyday for about half an hour a day.  But none of this, including physical therapy, feels like working out to me.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have the muscle pain and sweat to prove it, but walking the dog is a way to keep my puppy healthy and physical therapy feels more like hanging out with friends.  The chiropractors all have a wonderful sense of humor.  I often feel like I am watching a comedy show between the doctors and their staff and forget that I am working out.  I spend most of my time in PT laughing and that makes the 100 squats seem a lot more bearable.

For the first time ever, I feel like I can keep losing weight and keep it off.  This time, I feel like 190 pounds is not my smallest weight, like I can keep going and try to keep losing.  I still have chronic pain, but thanks to all the support I have received from Natural Medicine and Rehab and my family and friends, I feel like this is a new way of life, not just a few months of getting my back stronger.

This new way of life has its own challenges, including learning to eat properly, learning to eat even if I don’t feel hungry and, above all, learning to eat healthy.  I take vitamins and supplements, as well and this new way of living even includes periodic body detoxification/cleanses to rid my system of all the crap I put in it.  I don’t know this new way of life very well, but I am working on it and, for the first time, I am hopeful that I can keep getting healthier and maintain that health.

I wish all of you who are in physical therapy for pain or injury the best of luck…tell me about what works for you!

Full article on Pubmed.gov:   Ann R Coll Surg Engl. 2010

Conservatively treated massive prolapsed discs: a 7-year follow-up
RT Benson, SP Tavares, SC Robertson, R Sharp, and RW Marshall

[Side note from me...Patients often ask what happens to the herniated lumbar disc material over time.  This study provides a bit more insight.]

Conclusion:  A massive disc herniation can pursue a favorable clinical course.

If early progress is shown, the long-term prognosis is very good and even massive disc herniations can be treated conservatively.

Abstract

INTRODUCTION

The natural history of a lumbar hernia of the nucleus pulposus (HNP) is not fully known and clear indications for operative intervention cannot be established from the literature. Several studies have shown that the largest discs appear to have the greatest tendency to resolve. The aim of this study was to investigate whether massive prolapsed discs can be safely managed conservatively once clinical improvement has occurred.

PATIENTS AND METHODS

Thirty-seven patients were studied by clinical assessments and serial magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) over 2 years. Patients had severe sciatica at first, but began to show clinical improvement despite the large disc hernia-tions. Clinical assessment included the Lasegue test and neurological appraisal. The Oswestry Disability Index was used to measure function and changes in function. Serial MRI studies allowed measurement of volume changes of the herniated disc material over a period of time.

RESULTS

Initial follow-up at an average of 23.2 months revealed that 83% had a complete and sustained recovery at the initial follow-up. Only four patients required a discectomy. The average Oswestry disability index improved from 58% to 15%. Volumetric analysis of serial MRI scans found an average reduction of 64% in disc size. There was a poor correlation between clinical improvement and the extent of disc resolution.

***references below…

Other good reads

Spinal Decompression Case Study (Case Study: 12mm Herniated Disc with Extrusion with Pre- and Post-Spinal Decompression MRI Images) from our office with Before and After MRIs.

Healing Time of Soft Tissue

Back Pain-Insider Secrets revealed-San Fran Gate 2012

A New Gatekeeper for Back Pain

Why Does Back Pain Recur?

Fibroblast cells in Healing

Fish oil-Neurosurgeon for the Pittsburgh Steelers

Foam Roller for Back Pain

Exercise Makes Us Feel Good-NY Times 2011

Gluten Free Diet helped Nerve Pain-Neurology 2010

Inflammation-13 Tips To Fight Inflammation

Laser Therapy in Rehabilitation-Irvine California

Low Back Pain Studies 2010

Magnesium Deficiency

Muscle Trigger points vs Acupuncture points

Neck pain-Journal of the American Board of Family Practice 2004

Nerve ingrowth into chronic painful disc-Lancet 1997

Nerve Supply of the lumbar disc-JBJS 2007

Omega 3’s-Molecular Neurobiology-January 2011

Omega 3′s and Nerve pain-Clinical Journal of Pain 2010

Self Movement Screen

Sitting-Can sitting too much kill you? Scientific American Jan 2011

Vit. D-What We Have Learned About Vitamin D Dosing

References
1. Cherkin DC, Deyo RA, Loeser JD, Bush T, Waddell G. An international comparison
of back surgery rates. Spine 1994; 19: 1201–6.
2. Postacchini F. Results of surgery compared with conservative management for
lumbar disc herniations. Spine 1996; 21: 1383–7.
3. Ahn SH, Ahn MW, Byun WM. Effect of the transligamentous extension of lumbar
disc herniations on their regression and the clinical outcome of sciatica.
Spine 2000; 25: 475–80.
4. Bozzao A, Gallucci M, Masciocchi C, Aprile I, Barile A, Passariello R. Lumbar
disk herniation: MR imaging assessment of natural history in patients treated
without surgery. Radiology 1992; 185: 135–41.
5. Delauche-Cavallier MC, Budet C, Laredo JD, Debie B, Wybier M, Dorfmann H et
al. Lumbar disc herniation. Computed tomography scan changes after conservative
treatment of nerve root compression. Spine 1992; 17: 927–33.
6. Komori H, Shinomiya K, Nakai O, Yamaura I, Takeda S, Furuya K. The natural
history of herniated nucleus pulposus with radiculopathy. Spine 1996; 21:
225–9.
7. Matsubara Y, Kato F, Mimatsu K, Kajino G, Nakamura S, Nitta H. Serial
changes on MRI in lumbar disc herniations treated conservatively.
Neuroradiology 1995; 37: 378–83.
8. Modic MT, Ross JS, Obuchowski NA, Browning KH, Cianflocco AJ, Mazanec DJ.
Contrast-enhanced MR imaging in acute lumbar radiculopathy: a pilot study of
the natural history. Radiology 1995; 195: 429–35.
9. Saal JA, Saal JS, Herzog RJ. The natural history of lumbar intervertebral disc
extrusions treated nonoperatively. Spine 1990; 15: 683–6.
10. Cribb GL, Jaffray DC, Cassar-Pullicino VN. Observations on the natural history
of massive lumbar disc herniation. J Bone Joint Surg Br 2007; 89: 782–4.
11. Weber H. Lumbar disc herniation. A controlled, prospective study with ten years
of observation. Spine 1983; 8: 131–40.

If you are suffering from: Sports Injuries, Sprains, Strains, Car accident,  Herniated Disc, Disc Bulge, Degenerative Disc Disease, Neck pain, Headaches, Low back pain, of just want to feel better and have better life performance– please call our office in Irvine, California- at 949.857.1888or visit our website at ADJUST2IT to learn more about Functional Fitness Chiropractic, Sports massage, Myofascial Release, Corrective Exercise, Non Surgical Spinal Decompression, Class IV laser, Functional Endocrinology and Functional Nutrition.

This time I’m posting it because I think everyone in the world needs to be redirected immediately to the amazing Kara Vanderbijl’s blog (just click on the headline!) 

When Facets profiled me, I was blessed to have Kara as my ‘profiler’. The girl can write. She can write for days. She can string a sentence around your head and back again. I don’t even know if what I just said makes any sense. That’s how in awe I am of Kara.   

Her blog is amazing. Go there immediately. xx

cityography:

I had the privilege this past month to write about Danielle Cosgrove for The Facets Magazine. It’s an incredible honor to participate in the clever, born-in-Chicago celebration of diversity that Facets embodies, but most of all, I was so glad to be part of Danielle’s journey for even just…

kara vanderbijl: The Facets Magazine profiles Danielle Cosgrove

Britain’s Richard Whitehead celebrates as he crosses the line to win the gold medal in the men’s 200m T42 final race during the athletics competition at the 2012 Paralympics in London, Saturday, Sept. 1, 2012.

(Image via Associated Press)

On the eve of my third spinal surgery I wanted to discuss pain and how pain works to erode your emotional health, your self esteem and general sanity. Anyone who has been in pain can relate to discussions on how pain attacks you on a almost sociopathic  level. But chronic pain, pain for which there is no end in sight or even in a owl’s sight operates in a field of operation which is so off the non chronic pain reservation that really only those who live with it can grasp.

I will start with a definition of Chronic Pain: Chronic Pain; ”pain that extends beyond the expected period of healing.”

For most people, lets say you twist a ankle or break a finger, this fucking hurts and I will not deny that but your mind knows and even the pain knows that as you heal and you will the pain will subside and eventually go away. Now imagine waking each day in pain, knowing that it will not heal nor go away, that once you are able to fall asleep if you can sleep, when you wake it will be there again, and again, and again. It is a sadistic version of the film “Groundhog Day”.

 My pain is a pain and not just in the ass.

I have a couple specific types of pain which have taken up residence in my body. Bone, Nerve and Muscle. A trifecta of torture as you will. The constant for me, like my shadow or herpes never goes away this would be my Nerve Pain.

This nerve pain never ceases, it does ebb and flow like the tides, or more like a storm surge. It is a burning pain, it feels like some one or something is threading a string of acid through my lower back spine and legs. This burning becomes more intense as I am more active, it never stops it just fades in manageability.  It is the most soul crushing of my pain for that reason. I will not do things or attend events, because of it. It will end a good day for me in a heartbeat and let me know when it peaks that I will probably be useless for the next day or two. It also comes with weakness and lose of balance. After a couple of days or a week of this I am a shell of who I normally am. It invades my mental and emotional health. Some and all of the the skills I have learned to manage my emotional health are gone, turned off like a switch reversing me into the emotional mess normally associated with my Borderline Personality Disorder. I cease being the person I want to be because the pain builds a wall between myself and my emotions and mocks me from the other side of the fence.

Bone Pain:  My cancer grows bone at a faster rate than normal bone cells. Basically my bone cells are on Meth and rioting on my spine. I have bone growing against bone, rubbing and scraping. On good days it feels like a broken bone, on bad ones….Like my pelvis is being crushed between two trucks, leaving me doubled over or uneven to be able to roll over in my bed or sit in a chair. Imagine not being able to work because you cannot sit in a office chair for more than a hour at a time. Or feeling like someone is drilling holes in your pelvis and back. This will run with it’s pal Nerve Pain at the same time, they are cruel friends.

Muscle Pain: Not the daily schoolyard buddy of Nerve & Bone, Muscle is a reactive pain. When the other two are on a tear they pick up muscle who like a typical musclehead is dumb. In my case it come in the forms from general soreness like you were kicked by a mule or Sarah Jessica Parker to full on muscle spasms, pulling at tweaking at the bone and nerves in concert and rhythm with them  the effects of this are not being able to stand up straight or a stream of twitching pain which dances over my whole back like a dancer.

So those are my types of chronic pain, tomorrows surgery will  reduce 75%  of these and offer me a great deal of relief. That is until the bone grows again, once more pressing on nerves and forcing bone to bone grating.  My mood will return to normal, my emotions will once again become manageable and my quality of life will return.

People will ask me why I am a wreck at times emotionally, how with all the therapy I have done and progress I have made can these do these things to me. Put yourself in my shoes for a minute, imagine not knowing if you will have a good day or the worst day of your pain life. Think about not making plans with people because you cannot sit in a car, or going to work because you cannot stand up for long. Then add in the isolation, the endless days not only in the above pain, but having no meaningful human contact sometimes for a week or two at a time. I have gone days without even talking to another human being. When the pain is too severe I do not even want to talk to people. Add these to the soon to appear feelings of loss and isolation, blended with loss of self esteem because you feel useless and non productive. Or the weeks sometimes you are unable to clean your apartment because you cannot bend over or you are afraid that any physical activity like bending and twisting will bring on the above three monsters. \

I am not only suffering from the pain but also the psychological effects of the pain and the knowledge that it may never end, that you may never be useful again or of any value. Then try to understand when I am acting nuts. What many do not see is that for a big part of this I handle this better than most could.  I try to manage with humor and when I can grace, I try to get out of my own head when I can.  Next you would think pain meds can change all of this, well they help but they are mind numbing, leaving me at times a drooling mess who resembles a meat puppet more than Steven. So if I am short with you, or isolating, if I seem mentally not well think of the above and put yourself in my shoes for a moment.  I am looking forward to this surgery as it will return to me, myself and a life. I will also need a fourth surgery on a different region of my spine in Feb but this area has yet to inflict the kind of suffering as my lower spine has. I should be the Steven that I like and one that is actually fun to be around. Not the Steven who’s pain leaves him feeling less than and not worth anyone’s time or compassion.

Chronic Pain is like being pecked to death by ducks, evil angry zombie ducks and it takes compassion, patience and understanding from others in order for the suffer to feel like they deserve to live, it can and does eat away at the core of a person in ways that nothing else does and the effects outside of the physical are understood by even fewer.

Welcome to the life of the Chronically Ill! 

Not knowing which way is up and which way is down is extremely exhausting, but it’s somewhat dehumanizing as well. You lose your sense of self, instead becoming a slave to beds and meds. For me, it’s been extremely difficult to surrender and accept the fact that I’m no longer (at the moment!) the independent, free spirit that I once was. I’ve gotten many ignorant comments that it “must be great having others do stuff for you,” but it’s damn hard to go from an entirely independent girl-about-town in London, an entire continent away from my family! To literally having to depend on them for almost everything.

For example: Imagine not being able to tie your own shoelace. Imagine often not being able to get yourself a glass of water. Imagine not being able to drive in a place with no public transport (!!!) 

I have a fantastic family who help me and are willing to do whatever it takes to get me better. But somedays, a girl just wants to feel human. Somedays a girl just wants to feel normal. Nope, actually she wants to feel fabulous.

And so, I enlisted the help of a certain Miss Taryn Brooks: tv host extraordinaire, blogger, best friend since high school, and in general, all around fabulous person. You’ve read about her here before. 

(Clockwise top left: Just another day at the office!, Mila Kunis, Tim Burton, R. Kelly)

While Taryn is – by all estimations, pretty fabulous – the best part of her fabulousness (Oh Lord! Shall we start a drinking game based on how many times I’ve said that word?) is that to her - I am not my sickness. I am Danni. Yes, I am sick and she is allowed to be concerned and of course she knows what’s going on. But to her it does not define me. Taryn gets it. If I don’t feel like talking about it, that’s cool. If I need to unload, well that’s cool too. It’s rare to find a ‘T’, but it is so necessary. You know what? I find that because she’s less pushy about getting me to talk about things, I’m actually more open with her than I am with some others. Again, it’s not that she doesn’t ask (Word to the wise… don’t ever just ignore the fact that a friend is sick or going through a hard time. That’s not the answer. That’s not what they need. Acknowledge it, and if they don’t want to talk – lay low and entertain them until they do) she just knows when I need a break and when I need to talk.

(Taryn rocks her best orange for CRPS/RSD Awareness Month!)

We spent the whole day being very silly, recounting old stories from university that probably should’ve been left in the dark, and looking too cool for school in several different versions of these: 

(I look like Tiny Tim)

If you’re in the position to be one of these friends. It would mean the world to a patient. You have the potential to change someones current outlook on life. That’s HUGE! Be positive. Be fun. Be consistent. And of course (I have to say it…) make them feel fabulous. 

If you have been blessed enough to find the ‘T’ trait in your mother, a sister, a therapist, co-worker, a cousin, or friend… keep them around! 

Ask them about their life! Talk about other things. Be silly. Laugh – A lot. Hear stories from the past or about people you may not even know. Remember what life used to be like. Remember what you wanted. What were your hopes and dreams? HUMANIZE YOURSELF. You are more than your illness. And knowing that, holding it in your heart and using it as inspiration every single day, is your path to kicking this thing in the butt.

Because ‘chronic’ might mean often… but it does not have to mean forever… 

Be Well! Have a great weekend. I’m off to San Diego to walk in honor of CRPS/RSD! – Danielle xx

Listen to @The Filthy Souls…

No need for me to waste words telling y’all that “House of the Rising Sun” is clearly a classic. As half of the world’s all-time favorite song, it’s covered a lot. Oh man. A lot. And as such, we’re harsh critics… 

But, anyone who can sing this song with as much grit and soul as Dave Green of ‘The Filthy Souls’ definitely gets my vote. I love his cover. Love it. Even better? He supports the CRPS/RSD cause. I don’t think we could ask for more really… 

Danielle xx

And what did I get up to?

After a slight CRPS/RSD flare last week, I managed to pull myself together just in time for my gorgeous (and newly engaged!!!) high school friend Cristina to arrive in LA. Check out her bling! It’s an heirloom from her fiancé, Matthew’s, Great Grandma. Sort of amazing, no? I feel like I need sunglasses to look at it… 

We spent our time in Santa Monica (always a good choice if you’re visiting the city!), even hitting the beach as temperatures soared. Thank God for sunny Southern California!: 

That would be Cristina with me in the picture to the left. Also with us? Julia, Cristina’s childhood best friend (whom I was lucky enough to meet sometime during the 10th grade). And who else? I’ll give you 1 guess… her brother & sister of course! That’s Alejandro taking the brave running jump into the Pacific, and then Carolina, who may quite possibly be sweeter than that pumpkin pie you devoured without a second thought (True story: she’s a real-life danger to diabetics…)

(The famous Santa Monica Pier)

Being the little gypsy that I am, I came to America later on in my life (“later on,” you know… because I’m 85 or so now…) meaning that I had a slightly delayed start to my celebration of Thanksgiving. Despite this however, it’s definitely become one of my favorite holidays. I’m a total sucker for the sentiment behind it, especially as I make my journey of recovery to good health. Having seen the lows, I’m able to truly appreciate and be SO thankful for the highs – and even the normalcy and monotony of everyday life!

Like I’ve said before – I’m a lucky duck. I’m the luckiest of ducks  

So let’s hear it! What did you get up to? What are you thankful for? I’ve been blessed enough to have a few of you share already with me via tweets and emails. I’d love to hear some more below. After all… ‘tis the season for sharing! Or wait? Is it ‘tis the season for caring? Either way… sharing is caring! So, let me know what you got up to! 

Be well, loads of love, & HAPPY THANKSGIVING! - Danielle xx

It has been so long since I have been out for a dance. Certainly not with a bad back that’s for sure. I knew it would be painful today, but actually, I cared very little. Jagerbomb anyone? I suspect there is always going to be a pay-off when I go out as today my back is a bit delicate, and my left leg is firing pins and needles like crazy and my numb patches have increased. But, it’s not like I am going to do this every week so I can cope with that sacrifice, because for a tiny little bit of time it felt like I didn’t have a bad back.

THIS I LOVE! – Spinning Glass for CRPS/RSD Awareness… 

In general, when chronically struggling with the day-to-day ups and downs that come with a nerve disease whereby it feels as though one has been set on fire… one tends to avoid, oh… you know… all things, umm, well, fire related.

But this? A video staring a bright fiery kiln and burning hot glass, was far too good not to watch and even better not to share. I love it! The talent is overwhelming, and the fact that the artists did it for TheProject3x5’s Orange Initiative? Well, wow! That’s pretty incredible too… 

And so…

Check out Alexi Hunter (with Mariel Waddell) of MJH Designs as he spins some ORANGE glass in honor of “NERVEmber” marking Complex Regional Pain Syndrome or Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Month (CRPS/RSD).

TheProject3x5’s Orange Initiative for CRPS/RSD Awareness is still on, guys! More and more absolutely amaaaazing pictures & videos of people from all around the globe have been pouring in via Twitter & Email. If you want a sneak peek… some have been posted already to my Twitter feed, but check back here on the blog in a few as I’ll go ahead and put up some teaser pics. 

Don’t miss your chance to be a part of the massive blog for CPRS/RSD awareness coming in just a few more days! Put on your best orange and let’s see what you’ve got. Did I mention that the best picture gets a prize? xx

Our relationship has undergone numerous changes as a result of my back surgeries and accompanying pain, and one area that was certainly affected was our ability to be intimate.  But, like everything in this world, it all comes down to adjusting to a new situation.  There are numerous adjustments that can be made for couples experiencing difficulty in the bedroom, such as different positions, finding new ways to be intimate with each other and lots of other Cosmopolitan meets Senior Magazine suggestions, however, it is the emotional aspect of sexuality that is the hardest to overcome.

Don’t get me wrong, without giving way too much information on the world wide web for all to read, we are able to and do share intimacy (which is the polite, refined way to say “have sex”), but I have dealt with many issues since the surgeries.  Pain is not exactly something that makes me feel sexy.  Not to mention, the numerous pain medications that I take throughout the day do not exactly rev up the engines, so to speak.  Although my husband would attest to the fact that I am, in his eyes, a wonderful and perfect wife, these issues, especially in the boudoir, make me feel as if I am failing as a wife.  Even if you remove intimacy from the picture, my illness often makes me feel like I am more of a burden than an equal.  I know that is not the case and that I am indeed a wonderful wife, but what I feel and reality rarely coincide.

I saw a Facebook post the other day on one of the fibromyalgia sites where the woman said that said sex with her husband was “a chore.” My personal (and professional) advice to those of you in pain is try not to let it stop you from enjoying the connection and love with your partner.  I know, saying that is like saying try to run on a broken foot, but the truth is, there are many things you can do to make sex more enjoyable, even with a chronic pain condition and, though sex is far from the most important aspect of a marriage, it is still important to feel a physical connection with the person you love.  You can Google “sexual positions for (fill in the blank) pain.”  There are many websites that have helpful information, such as positions to avoid or positions that can enhance pleasure while minimizing pain.  Another thing to do, and yes it sounds cliché: when you are not able to be as physically intimate as you would like with your partner, figure out something else to do.  Sometimes a good ol’ make out session can be more enjoyable, and certainly less painful, than sex.  You can also join a support group, talk to your doctor, etc.  The point is to try to do what you can to still ENJOY being with your partner and not let sex become a chore.

I am lucky that I have an understanding husband, who knows that sometimes I really can’t get past the pain and he NEVER complains.  But sometimes, the counseling goes the other way.  For months after my surgeries, Jhon was afraid to do anything because he was afraid to hurt me.  Sometimes you have to assure your partner that you can handle it and promise that when it gets to be too much, you will say stop.

The most important thing to remember, for me, is not to lose my sexuality in my illness.  I am still a woman, I still have desires, and I am willing to do what it takes to keep my marriage healthy.

What have you found that works?

When a patient complains of pain and numbness and tingling that radiates from the neck to their fingers as a result of postural strain from sustained desk work and excessive sitting, this is what I say:

“Your nerve is like a USB connection to your computer which is your brain.  Sensory nerves are responsible for giving messages about sensation (hot, cold, vibration, pressure) to the brain and the brain uses motor nerves to send messages to muscles to move.  When muscles are chronically tight, they compromise your posture which compromises your nerves ability to relay those messages like a really poor USB connection.  As a result, you feel numbness and tingling or pain”.

Suddenly the patient’s “inner light bulb “goes off and understands this concept much better. In the digital age, you need to think of the nerves like USB connections.

Being aware and connected to the messages that your body give you is the first step in healing. How can you correct something that you don’t understand?

My analogies are simple and are not meant to be very physiological to the point of confusion. My intention is for my patients to understand CONCEPTS not become adept in neuroanatomy (for those of you hardcore anatomists who find this analogy too simple).

Chiropractic helps to restore those connections. I also layer in myofascial work , acupuncture and exercise prescription so that proper alignment becomes a lifestyle choice.

Take care of your USB connections. Take care of your body.

Sunday dinner and the remnants of orange nail polish – in honor of CRPS/RSD Awareness Month of course! Coffee in honor of coffee. I feel as though that one was an obvious. xx

So I did, but I have a decent reason for it. I didn’t say good, but it’s decent. I was doing quite well with my journey. I was getting to the gym, eating well, doing well at work, things were actually going so well, and so much was happening that I couldn’t find time to blog about it and still sleep enough. I got up to a solid 90 pounds.  And then I started experiencing a lot of pain. And I mean a lot of pain.

I was having bone, muscle, and nerve pains in and around my right shoulder blade.
This pain shot all down that side of my back, and down my right arm. Breathing hurt, moving hurt, it was impossible to get comfortable. My doctor called in some medication to the pharmacy to help me relax enough to sleep at night, but my days were still terrible. With the severe pain even still, trying to jump rope, run, or yoga pushed me to tears. So I quit…and waited for my appointment with my neurosurgeon to come up. I had an idea of what was getting to be.
That pesky tumor behind my right scapula that’s been there for years, the one that we couldn’t get to earlier this year when I had others removed was angry and on the attack. Because of it’s placement, it has been suggested that the extra weight – though it was only a few pounds, stressed my body, my frame, made me stand and position differently, that pressed into the tumor more causing the shooting nerve pains, which fatigued the muscle around the area. Follow? yes? no? It’s ok. Don’t worry about it. My days and nights have gotten better, but I’ve also lost some of that weight again. When I’m not active I don’t have much of an appetite.
I don’t feel good about not following through….It’s why I haven’t bothered to update the blog. Or respond to emails, comments or questions about it until today. Sorry friends, that wasn’t fair of me…but I’m coming back.
I’m going to try to get back out there today. At the very least I could jump rope outside the apartment complex. I know things will be a little slow until we get this tumor pain issue squared away. I’ve got surgery planned for the second week of January. So we’ll go through all that again. I’ll mend and hopefully be stronger and more ready to meet this goal.

In all fairness, it wasn’t just the physical pain that kept me from following through and updating here. My work life got CRAZY INSANE BUSY so nutso that I was ready to quit. But I’m glad I didn’t it’s a great job, awesome group of people, fantastic physicians we work for. But we’re experiencing some growth pains at the practice right now. Two other employees and I rotate closing the practice and our nights were getting longer, our mornings seemed to come earlier, our work has increased, and our office staff isn’t sufficient right now. We’re growing faster than we can keep up. I’d wake up mad and tired, come home mad and tired. Last thing I wanted to do was sort through feelings about how I hadn’t kept up with my goal that would turn into venting about my job. So I didn’t….but thankful for grace, things on the work front have gotten better. Several of us had a meeting about all being at our breaking point. Our supervisor and practice administrator came up with a new SOP/protocol that works for all of us, and since has spared me of getting pulled into someones office to hear a coworker cry and vent about me – when it has nothing to do with me at all, they were tired and frustrated. Hurt then, but things are better now. So much…thank you sweet, sweet grace.

Another reason I fell of – for about three weeks I was on the road a lot. Driving back and forth to set for a tv show and a film I briefly worked on. Have I told you that before? I love, love, love film….I love movies and story so much if they could kill you – I’d be dead and long time ago. Addicted, high, strung-out, OD’ed kind of love for movies. Since I don’t live in Hollywood, and not very glamorous, didn’t go to film school, and don’t have the kind of acting experience that has managers pounding on my door I get as close to the movies as I can. And for me here in Georgia that means being an extra/background talent. Not hard, easy stuff, bottom of the totem-pole kind of stuff…and I know that. I don’t pretend it’s a big deal in the grand scheme of things – but being there – I love…it’s thrilling. It’s being on set. It’s seeing everyone working together, collaborating on the same project, working in the mundane to create fantastic…it’s that stuff I love. I can’t be one of them, so I get as close as I can. And that means using vacation days to drive hours away, be a warm body, human cattle for a movie getting paid minimum wadge. And, hell, that’s great for me. I get paid to hang out with the movie people, to see them work, it’s like getting paid to go to a mini film school…it thrills me to my bones.
But hours on the road, 12-14 hours of shooting doesn’t really allow much room for six small meals a day and trips to the gym. Three weeks of that and it’s hard to get back into routine.

So physical pain + work stresses + a few crazy weeks on the road = PETRA FELL OFF THE WAGON.
So I gotta get back on and steer us outta this brush in the desert and into the sun setting on the horizon – YEE HAW!
See y’all around. Thanks for checking in – don’t stop – I need it.

(Photo via google)