2. Researchers develop possible sarcasm detector - Obviously, this will solve all the world’s problems.All I have to say is Simpsons did it.

3. Pakistan shuts down Facebook for Draw Mohammed Day! -

Authorities in Pakistan today blocked access to Facebook in response to popular outrage over a page on the social networking site that encourages users to post sketches of the Islamic prophet.

That page — titled “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day!” — calls on Facebook users to upload drawings of Islam’s most holy of holy men on Thursday to protest Islamic extremists’ threats and violence against past portrayers of Muhammad. (Most recently, for example, arsonists attacked the home of Swedish artist Lars Vilks, who drew a picture of Muhammad’s head on a dog’s body.) So far, more than 200 images — most of them certain to offend Muslims — have been uploaded to the page.

“The best way I can describe it is cattle,” Ms Hanna said of their treatment. We were property of the organisation.”

. . .

She claims children of Sea Org members rarely had contact with their parents, lived in separate homes and were granted only 20 minutes each night with their parents.

2. Gay couple convicted of ‘unnatural acts’ – Steven Monjeza, 26, and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, 20, have been in jail since December in the Southern African country of Malawi. Ever since the day after their engagement party. Their only crime is being gay.

Religion's latest victim

3. 15-year-old Jehovah’s Witness dies after refusing blood transfusion – Yup, just another day for religion. So next time someone tells you about all the good done in the name of religion, remind them about Joshua McAuley, one of countless victims of religious ignorance.

4. Thousands flock to Vatican to back pope over abuse – Yay child rape!! If this story doesn’t demonstrate the evil of religion, then nothing ever will. Here are thousands of people who are quite literally showing their support for child rapists and those who protect them from prosecution because they refuse to accept the fact that their church is responsible for unspeakable human atrocities. This really is the ultimate Milgram authority experiment. If they can justify at least half a million child rapes, what else are these people capable of justifying?

5. Dark Horse releases atheist superhero comic – Move over, S.H.I.E.L.D. There’s a new acronym saving the day in comic books, S.H.O.O.T. That stands for the Secular Humanist Occult Obliteration Taskforce. I must admit that I don’t really get the concept. It’s an atheist team who fight demons and ghosts, etc. that they don’t believe in, but appear to exist anyway. If they’re fighting them, why wouldn’t they believe in them? Are the monsters they face supposed to be physical manifestations of someone’s imagination or something?

I'm Miss USA now. Suck on that, bitches!

1. A Muslim and liberal declared Miss USA – This is a nice step up from Carrie Prejean. Of course the right-wing loonies who last year defended Carrie Prejean as having a right to her idiotic opinions have now come out swinging against the new Miss USA Rima Fakih. Fakih is an Arab-American (are we still doing the hyphen thing?) of Lebanese decent. Of course the right-wing pundits are all claiming liberal bias again because Miss Oklahoma Morgan Elizabeth Woolard lost after saying she was “perfectly fine” with the new Arizona immigration policy.

Of course once again, their over the top outrage seems to coincidentally be against someone who just happens to not be white. So what did my personal favorite insane righter-winger Debbie Schlussel and other pundits say about this trivial little pageant decisions?

– Conservative radio host Debbie Schlussel blamed Fakih’s win on a supposed “politically correct, Islamo-pandering climate” in America and labeled her a “Lebanese Muslim Hezbollah supporter with relatives who are top terrorists.” [5/16/10]

– Right wing pundit and Fox contributor Michelle Malkin ranted that “Fakih’s cheerleaders are too busy tooting the identity politics horn to care what comes out of her mouth” and that “the Miss USA pageant didn’t want to risk the wrath of the open-borders mob.” [5/16/10]

– Conservative author Daniel Pipes, who was briefly appointed by former President George W. Bush to the U.S. Institute of Peace, opined that “this surprising frequency of Muslims winning beauty pageants makes me suspect an odd form of affirmative action.” [5/16/10]

– Fox News’s Gretchen Carlson complained that Woolard’s “informed opinion” may have cost her the crown, and said that Fakih may have won because we live in a “PC society.” [5/17/10]

I’m taking bets on how long it takes for them to call into question her nation of origin and start demanding to see her birth certificate.

2. Vatican’s latest legal strategy – I’m not sure if blaming others and denying any responsibility technically qualifies as a “new” strategy though. Now they’re denying priests at American dioceses are employees  of the Catholic Church and denying what their own “crimes of solicitation” document says in plain Latin, that they are under no obligation to report sexual abuse among their ranks to the proper authorities. This is the equivalent of, say, Toyota denying the defective vehicles were theirs.

3. Another great article on Texas School Board’s war against education -

Cynthia Dunbar does not have a high regard for her local schools. She has called them unconstitutional, tyrannical and tools of perversion. The conservative Texas lawyer has even likened sending children to her state’s schools to “throwing them in to the enemy’s flames”. Her hostility runs so deep that she educated her own offspring at home and at private Christian establishments.

And that’s just the first paragraph!

2. New fossil find reveals secrets of ancient marine life -

Paleontologists have discovered a rich array of exceptionally preserved fossils of marine animals that lived between 480 million and 472 million years ago, during the early part of a period known as the Ordovician. The specimens are the oldest yet discovered soft-bodied fossils from the Ordovician, a period marked by intense biodiversification.

And for those keeping track, that’s between 479,994,000 and 471,994,000 years before the existence of the entire universe, according to Young Earth Creationists.

3. Australian church rejects vaccine denialists at the AVN – Meryl Dorey and her goons at the misnamed Australian Vaccination Network (AVN [snicker]) were told to get lost by a church after the AVN requested to use their church as a venue for spreading propaganda about the evils of vaccines. It turns out that prominent church members are experts in the field of ethics and public health, and they felt the AVN is not in line with the ethos and values of the Uniting Church of Australia. And so no Uniting Church venue will be made available to them.

4. Mirin Dajo had a lot of guts – This guy didn’t just swallow a sword; he had himself run through with numerous fencing foils…to entertain people!

I’m reminded of Todd Robbins, one of the few remaining sideshow vaudeville acts from the Coney Island tradition. I’ve seen Robbins swallow swords, perform the human blockhead (pounding a nail up the nose – I’m told not actually that hard), and most impressive of all, eating glass for your amusement. But I’d say Marin Dajo deserves recognition as an indestructible bastard except that he died at the age of 35.

5. Revenge is a dish best served with pubic lice – A British website has come up with a pretty badass way to help people get revenge on those who have wronged them…by selling pubic lice. The site, crabrevenge.com, has a disclaimer but a pretty insincere one:

While the disclaimer says the website creators “do not endorse giving people lice,” and the lice are for “novelty purposes only,” the website talks about using them for revenge.

. . .

The website says the company was started “by a group of fellows who happen to know a thing or two about biology and revenge.”

Well I can’t argue the revenge part. So please, don’t give me crabs.

6. New book further blows the lid on $cientology – Escaped and recovered $cientologist Amy Scobee has released a new book called Abuse At The Top, where she reiterates the now ubiquitous claims of leader David Miscavige’s violent assaults on members and gave some fun stories about Tom Cruise.

2. News anchor duped by YouTube video of people running on water - He says it couldn’t be a visual trick because he watched it in slow-mo (cause you can’t trick in slow-mo, right?) and his explanation is centrifugal force (even though that involves rotation). The actual explanation is that this video is a viral ad for Hi-Tec Sports, an athletic shoemaker.

3. Central African Republic courts overwhelmed by witch trials – Many alleged witches are facing criminal punishment for hexing their enemies or assuming the shape of animals. I hate when that happens. About 40% of all cases here are over witchcraft. And the rights of the accused are violated regularly in witchcraft prosecutions, because the charge carries enormous pressure to confess. And the alternative to these prosecutions is mob justice from people convinced witches are hexing people with impunity. I’m so glad we live in the 17th century.

4. Priest tries exorcism on handicapped girl – The girl was both physically and mentally disabled. The priest spoke in gibberish and then started demanding the girl to speak:

“The girl would not have even been able to comprehend, let alone follow instructions. It was very undignified for the young lady and she was just crying, howling at the altar.”

Suffice it to say, it didn’t work. The church’s excuse for this unseemly affair is that the priest was a foreigner. So I guess that means they’d have let him get away with virgin sacrifices too.

5. 13-year-old Somalian rape victim stoned to death – Yeah, that will teach her not to be raped. All in a days work for the religion of peace we call Islam.

6. Polish pop singer faces 2-years in prison for blasphemy – In a television interview last year, 26-year-old Dorota Rabczewska, known as “Doda”, said she found it far easier to believe in dinosaurs than the Bible; “it is hard to believe in something written by people who drank too much wine and smoked herbal cigarettes.” And for that, this pop star and Mensa member may go to jail for 2 years because she hurt the feelings of Catholics. Under Poland’s blasphemy law, simply offending someone’s religious sensibilities can earn you hefty fines and even imprisonment. And while I hate to invoke Godwin’s Law, it needs to be said. And to think I thought Poland got rid of the Nazis.

7. How chimps deal with death -

Two studies in the April 27th issue of Current Biology, a Cell Press publication, offer rare glimpses into the ways that chimpanzees deal with the deaths of those closest to them. In one case, researchers describe the final hours and moment of death of an older female chimp living in a small group at a UK safari park as captured on video. In the other, researchers observed as two chimpanzee mothers in the wild carried their infants’ mummified remains for a period of weeks after they were lost to a respiratory epidemic.

2. So that’s what an exorcism sounds like – Someone recorded a video in their hallway outside where their neighbor was having an exorcism. They also left a friendly note to restrict the exorcisms to weekends as to not disturb anyone else.

3. Independent Australian senator Nick Xenophon continues fight against $cientology – I’ve written about the appropriately named senator’s fight to remove the cult’s tax exemption before. Unfortunately, he failed in his attempt to have parliament approve a public benefit test to assess the aims and activities of entities receiving tax exemptions. Given the no-brainer aspect of such a test, I can only imagine it’s because parliament officials don’t want organizations receiving tax exemptions to be tested to verify they’re legit. Kinda makes you wonder what they’re afraid will be discovered. But Xenophon vows to continue the fight.

4. Mohammed’s nation-wide tour takes him to Northwestern U – I’ve written about various universities where secular groups have taken to drawing the reclusive and camera shy Muslim prophet in chalk around their campuses to promote freedom of speech and the humorous responses by Muslim groups to censor these stick figures. And it’s only making drawing Mohammed that much more popular. Now he’s popping up at Northwestern University in Illinois. And of course the Muslim groups are declaring the stick figures offensive. T Minus 7 days till Draw Mohammed Day!!

5. Speaking of which, if you needed a reason why we do this, just look at the Muslim response to a cartoonist, Lars Vilks, who drew Mohammed as a dog. He was attacked at Uppsala University -

2. Mojave cross from Salazar v. Buono Supreme Court decision was stolen – And while I think it’s outrageous that the thing was allowed to remain there in the first place, I have to condemn the actions of whoever was responsible. If it was an atheist or atheists responsible, I apologize for them. I always criticize the religious for not condemning the bullshit actions of their fanatics, so it’d be hypocritical for me to not do the same when it’s possible fanatical atheists were involved.

3.TV stations everywhere fall for fake Yo-Yo trick champ – In one of the best executed pranks in recent memory, some dude fooled a whole bunch of TV stations to give him air time to demonstrate his amazing Yo-Yo skills…which look remarkably like the worst Yo-Yo-ing in human history. But all we really know about “K-Strass,” aka Kenny Strasser aka Karl Strassburg is that he’s gotten on TV at least six times in the past month.

4. Constance McMillen’s Second Chance Prom a huge success – After her high school held a prom without her because she was gay, the American Humanist Association and philanthropist Todd Stiefe donated money to give her and her classmates another prom, an inclusive one. Even the band Green Day donated money  Lance Bass made a personal appearance. Suck it, small-minded assholes running her school!

5. Pope blames church’s own sins for sex scandal – So does that mean then that all the other Catholics like Bill Donohue and Church leaders were lying when they claimed that it was demons, gays, and the media who were to blame?

6. Woman claims 3-D porn got her pregnant…seriously:

2. Researchers find more evidence that your ancestors fucked Neanderthals – Apparently they weren’t too choosy back then.

3. Research turns up new insights into natural HIV immunity -

In the late 1990s, researchers showed that a very high percentage of those naturally HIV-immune people, who represent about one in 200 infected individuals, carry a gene called HLA B57. Now a team of researchers from the Ragon Institute of Massachusetts General Hospital, MIT and Harvard has revealed a new effect that contributes to this gene’s ability to confer immunity.

4. Mohammed Image Archive – He wasn’t always this camera shy. He used to be a model.

Mohammed from 13th-century Persian manuscript (most likely from al-Biruni's The Remaining Signs of Past Centuries)

5. Comedy Central exposes hypocrisy with new Jesus show – So South Park wasn’t allowed to ridicule Mohammed, but Central Central is now considering a half-hour animated show about Jesus called JC. I hate when I’m forced to agree with Fox News:

2. The Vatican shows where its priorities really lie – Putting aside that trivial child rape stuff, the Vatican decided to oppose something really evil:

The Vatican says it’s following up on complaints of feminism and activism.

Damn you, feminism!!! Must you be a constant thorn in the side of our patriarchal theocracy!

2. Judge rejects student vote for graduation prayer at Greenwood High School in Indiana -  While I find it disconcerting that students voted for in favor of a prayer in public school, it is comforting to see it get shot down in the courts.

2. ‘Psychic healers’  scam people out of $62,000 -

“They basically were able to convince the victim that some money she had gotten was cursed money and that somehow that curse had transferred to other money that she had,” said Chicago police Detective Milorad Sofrenovic of the Grand Central area. “They told her that in order to be able to remove this curse, they needed to take this money physically to a shrine in Indiana and with prayers drive the curse from the money.”

Damn that cooties!

For the last time, it's Sea-man!

3. Fake rabbi tricks women into thinking his semen is holy – The story I remember the most from The Decameron was the tale of the priest who teaching a woman how to put the devil back into the Hell. By devil he meant his penis. And by hell, he meant her vagina. This story is a lot lot like that only its a guy pretending to be a rabbi and he convinced women that his semen could heal body and soul. And of course he could pass this holy power to them through touch and by cleansing their bodies. And of course they bought it. Of course, had he not used religion to lure them into a false sense of blind trust, this probably never would have happened. Silly rabbi. Tricks are for kids. But where can I find women this gullible?

2. Where the South Park creators got it wrong - I’ve written two defenses of Matt Stone and Trey Parker’s recent 200th and 201st episodes of South Park over on my Examiner page (here and here). However, Trey Parker was just quoted in a Washington Post “On Faith” article and what he has to say about “atheism” is so extraordinarily idiotic that it merits the kind of mockery worthy of South Park:

But Parker says atheism is more ludicrous to him than anything else.

“Out of all the ridiculous religion stories — which are greatly, wonderfully ridiculous — the silliest one I’ve ever heard is, ‘Yeah, there’s this big, giant universe and it’s expanding and it’s all going to collapse on itself and we’re all just here, just ‘cuz. Just ‘cuz. That to me, is the most ridiculous explanation ever,” he says.

Um, what?! Putting aside the ultra straw man he presents that doesn’t accurately describe the physics, this isn’t just some wacky ideas scientists made up out of whole cloth. It’s empirically testable and measurable. This is not up for debate. It’s scientific fact. And I’m sorry, Trey, if you’re unimpressed by this bastardized version of the science but that’s just too bad.

3. Could the winner of the UK’s next top leader be an atheist? – When asked if he believed in god, Nick Clegg, the Liberal Democrats’ new leader in the UK, said no. And it seems as though he’s now leading in the polls. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about Clegg. But assuming he isn’t a nutter or a wanker of some sort or another, I’m rooting for him.

4. Canadian climate scientist Andrew Weaver sues newspaper for poisoning the well on climate change – I’ve been saying for a while now that we need to start holding cranks more accountable for their potentially libelous accusations, so I’m all for this. It’s quite different than when the cranks sue their critics like when the British Chiropractic Association sued Simon Singh, because there we’re talking about frivolous lawsuits used merely to intimidate critics. But when the cranks inevitably launch into their grand conspiracy theories, they make serious accusations that often do satisfy the criteria of defamation. And when you’ve got a legitimate defamation suit there’s no shame in taking legal action. And if Weaver is correct and this newspaper did publish articles that promoted “grossly irresponsible falsehoods,” he may have a good case. Of course I don’t know the Canadian statutes on defamation but I’d be surprised if they radically differed from those in the U.S.

2. 60 Minutes applies hardcore skepticism to bring down bogus stem cell quack - Lawrence Stowe is a con man with no real medical credentials who has scammed ALS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease patients out of money with promises of bogus stem cell cures. I am very proud of 60 Minutes for setting up and airing this sting operation in all its uncomfortable glory.What’s really shameful is that every news organization isn’t doing this sort of thing all the time.

3. Oklahoma proposes new insane abortion bill – The bill would allow doctors to withhold test results showing fetal defects and require women to answer intrusive questions.

2. 26% of Millennials are religiously unaffiliated – This is up from 20% among Gen Xers, which in turn was up from 13% of Baby Boomers. This suggests that contrary to what many religious insist, this is not just a brief post-9/11 trend. On the contrary, the religiously unaffiliated have been on the rise for some time now. It’s only now that they’re coming out in numbers that demand attention.

3. Belgium the first nation to ban the burqa – In a unanimous vote, Belgium approved a law that would effectively ban the burqa or any clothing that covers the entire face in public. This is complicated issue and even I’m not entirely sure where I stand on it.

2. What claims about Tom Cruise does $cientology declare ‘demonstrably false’ – According to $cientology, the following is not true:  that Tom Cruise has a ‘drug history’, that his ‘drug history’ was excuse given to keep him out of the Sea Org (right, because they weren’t just using him for his celebrity), that Cruise was “given an ultimatum to choose between Scientology and Nicole Kidman” (Although Jason Lee’s ex-wife is convince Scientology had something to do with their divorce.), that “a Scientologist handling Mr. Cruise’s finances was punished for losing him money”, and that Cruise’s household staff is selected and paid by Scientology. Now remember. According to $cientology, these are claims that are NOT true.

3. Saskatoon Freethinkers (in Saskatchewan, Canada) protest ‘psychic’ Sylvia Browne – They also circulated a handout some of Sylvia’s biggest missing persons failures such as her inability to come up with accurate information about Opal Jennings, Sean Hornbeck, Richard Kneebone, and Holly Krewson. The handout also stated:

In fact there are NO cases where Sylvia’s psychic insight has proven to be useful or correct.  Valuable police resources have been wasted and precious time has been lost.  When Sylvia assured a family that their daughter was alive when she was actually dead, and told another family their son was dead when he was still alive, this only magnified the grief of a family in a terrible situation.  In light of these failures – when psychic insight would have mattered the most – we must conclude that Sylvia is a cold reader and not a psychic.

Mr. Tangarone, a 17-year veteran of the Weston school system, claims that a program he wanted to teach about Charles Darwin and Abraham Lincoln was rejected by the school administration because it involved teaching evolution — the scientific theory that all life is related and has descended from a common ancestor.

2. American professor says UFO Studies should be ‘legitimate university subject’ – Philip Haseley thinks this is a legitimate university subject? Well you know who I think would disagree with him? James Carrion, who until just a few weeks ago was the International Director for the Mutual Unidentified Flying Object Network (MUFON), who just a week ago called the entire field of UFOlogy “humans deceiving humans.” And this guy had more access to the “evidence” than virtually every other person in the UFO community.

3. Polio finally being stamped out in Nigeria and India – Polio has been eradicated from virtually every corner of the Earth. There’s only about five countries left that still have polio, all of which have dreadful vaccination rates. But now finally two of those remaining nations are winning that battle. Rising vaccination rates and sudden decrease in polio? To the vaccine denial community I ask, coincidence?

That's one lonely cross

4. Editor of leading Catholic publication joins critics – Thomas Fox, the editor of the National Catholic Reporter has defected:

In a column fronting the newspaper’s website, Fox on Wednesday wrote that the remarks in Chile this week by Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, who as the Vatican’s secretary of state is Pope Benedict XVI’s top aide, “sounds more like scapegoating than anything else.”

“What we have here is a huge gulf between the thinking of some top church officials — in this case a very important one — and that of most ordinary Catholics and others. This is a very revealing and equally troubling moment,” Fox wrote.

“Those of us who have followed the wider church story for years have seen this gulf growing. Where we go from here, how the Catholic faithful respond, remains to me a perplexing mystery,” he said.

5. Former $cientologist Amy Scobee to expose more Tom Cruise ‘secrets’ in new book – Not surprisingly…

His powerhouse attorney Bert Fields has already sent a letter denying Scobee’s claims and threatening legal action against her.

6. Oregon jury gives Boy Scouts of America merit badge for negligence in sexual abuse - As a result, Kerry Lewis has been awarded 1.4 million in damages over being sexually abused by an assistant Scoutmaster in the early 1980′s.

Now where's that negligence merit badge?

2. Inkjet-like device ‘prints’ skin cells over burns - Once again, as Carl Sagan said, “science delivers the goods.”

Inspired by a standard office inkjet printer, U.S. researchers have rigged up a device that can spray skin cells directly onto burn victims, quickly protecting and healing their wounds as an alternative to skin grafts.

How cool is that?

3. Constance McMillen named Grand Marshal of NYC 2010 Gay Pride Parade – The Gay Pride Parade is by far my favorite NYC parade. Many prefer the Halloween parade but I have more fun just wandering The Village as NYC treats Halloween like everyone else treats Christmas. But it’s just great being a part of a parade thats very existence is an affront to those whom despise. Congrats Constance. Hope to see you there.

4. Moscow, Idaho gets an American Humanist Assocation billboard -

Merchant Of Death

1. Kevin Trudeau begins his 30-day jail sentence – Unfortunately, this merchant of death is only serving 30 days for harassing a judge. But hopefully, he’ll be back behind bars soon enough for his one-man genocide racket.

2. NCSE getting a little too cozy with the religious – Why does the National Center for Science Education feel they need someone working for them under the title of “Faith Project Director”? Which chapter in my science book discusses the importance of faith when conducting science?

3. Jim Carrey mind-wiped from Generation Rescue’s memory banks - Oh, the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Now that Jim Carrey has broken up with Jenny McCarthy, he’s being erased just like Desiree Jennings:

By Friday, Generation Rescue had completely revamped its website. Gone is the picture of Jim Carrey, Jenny McCarthy, and Evan from the front page of the website. Gone is any mention of his name, leaving Generation Rescue as now being just “Jenny McCarthy’s Autism Organization – Generation Rescue.” Gone is Jim Carrey from the Generation Rescue Board of Directors. Given the slickness of hte new look, no doubt that this revamp of the website has been a long time in coming, and probably GR simply moved up its originally planned revamp in order to deal with Jim and Jenny’s breakup. More interestingly, all mention of Desiree Jennings appears to have been send down the memory hole. In case you don’t remember who she is, she is the young woman who claimed that a flu vaccine caused her to develop dystonia, a claim riddled with inconsistencies that didn’t stand up to even mild scrutiny.

This again raises the issue of whether or not Jim Carrey is still an anti-vaxxer at all? Did he come to his senses and opt to cut all ties with Jenny McCarthy just like the co-founder of her now doomed school?

4. Chicago Tribune questions the authority of the great and power Dr. Oz - Their conclusion seems to match that of the medical consensus, pay no attention to man on the screen inexplicably wearing surgical scrubs. And they also talk about Joseph Mercola, the most dangerous cola of them all.

2. How far we’ve come on the road to AI – New Scientist takes a fascinating look at where research in artificial intelligence is at and how far we still have to go.

3. Researchers confirm Hellmouth of evil beneath Constance McMillen’s high school – As we continue to hear about the dangers of bullying in schools on the news because of a recent tragedy, another major case of school bullying continues to take place in Mississippi where Constance McMillen, the lesbian teen who simply wanted to bring her girlfriend to prom has been the victim of the cruelest of hoaxes from not just her fellow students but from her own school’s administrators. This is just grotesque and these people should be made to feel ashamed of their wretched behavior for the rest of their lives. Where’s Aldo Raines to carve a swastika into their foreheads when you need him? To call the school’s administrators the scum of the Earth is an insult to the scum.

Constance, I have to say that it’s great that you’re better than these people and are maturely rising above it all. But really, nobody would blame you if you went all Carrie on their asses.

Vatican officials failed to take action against a priest accused of sexually abusing two teenage girls in Minnesota despite repeated warnings from a local bishop starting in 2005, attorneys for one of the alleged victims said Monday.

Yeah, what else is new?

2. What’s the funniest religion? – A new “risque” British comedy film The Infidel, about an ordinary Muslim family man who discovers he’s Jewish has inspired an internet competition seeking to determine which religion is the funniest. My vote goes to Christianity. 3 gods = 1 god? Transubstantiation? Jesus riding on the back of an ass solely to fulfill a prophecy? Land of milk and honey? Hell? C’mon, it’s no contest.

3. Jordanians fools by April Fools UFO hoax – 72 years after the town of Grovers Mill, New Jersey was invaded by Martians only to discover later that it was was just a radio broadcast by Orson Welles, Jordanians fall victim to a similar hoax in the April Fools edition of a local newspaper, proving that perhaps UFO hoaxing is the oldest trick in the book. And early last year my friends Joe Rudy and Chris Russo hoaxed Morristown, New Jersey with their own UFO hoax. You’d think such a major news story being broken by newspaper instead of the internet would have been a big tip-off but what can you say? People fall for it every time! And that’s why the people of Jordan are this year’s April Fools.

4. Australian police ban Easter crucifixion re-entactment – It wasn’t real re-enactment though. It’s the Philippines who are go all the way with actual crucifixions because they’re hardcore. The Australian version was just a display of a semi-naked Jesus splattered in fake blood. . .cause Australians are pussies. (Kidding)

5. Poll suggests 78% of Americans believe in Jesus’ resurrection – And in related news, 78% of Americans are certifiably insane.

6. Move over Mexicans and Indians. Cause now robots are stealin’ are jobs! – It’s only a matter of time before a Skynet-designed Donald Trump Replicant calls you into his office to tell you that you’re terminated, while assuring you that all of this has happened before and it will happen again. Fuckin’ Cylons!

7. Pope’s ‘revenge’ as LA gets Opus Dei bishop - Remember that strange, radical Catholic group in ‘The DaVinci Code’ that was based on a real group, which then protested the book and film because it depicted them as masochistic freaks when in reality, they’re only masochistic freaks on weekends (or was it every other Tuesday?) Anyway, Opus Dei are back, baby! And this time they’re taking L.A.

But I’m sure it will all be fine. I mean, what could go wrong?

The Archdiocese of Los Angeles, however, is one of the worst afflicted by the clerical sexual abuse crisis that has convulsed the US Church since 2002.

Son of a bitch!

8. Carbon nanotubes make quantum-sized black holes -This is how they say awesome in science-ese:

Physicists at Harvard University have found that a high-voltage nanotube can cause cold atoms to spiral inward under dramatic acceleration before disintegrating violently. Their experiments, the first to demonstrate something akin to a black hole at atomic scale, are described in the current issue of the journal Physical Review Letters.

Scientists funded by the Biotechnology and Biological Sciences Research Council (BBSRC) at the University of Birmingham have discovered that a gene called DAF-16 is strongly involved in determining the rate of ageing and average lifespan of the laboratory worm Caenorhabditis elegans (C. elegans) and its close evolutionary cousins. DAF-16 is found in many other animals, including humans. It is possible that this knowledge could open up new avenues for altering ageing, immunity and resistance to stresses in humans.

Of course it will be years before any practical application to humans comes out of this, if ever, but it’s cool none the less.

2. Exorcist discovers Satan behind media’s accurate coverage of Catholic sex scandal – We’ve already gotten one exorcist to claim that Satan was possessing the Church leaders into performing the rapes in the first place. Now another exorcist, Father Gabriele Amorth, has publicly stated that the media’s desire to inform the public of these crimes, particularly at the New York Times, was “prompted by the devil.” I could have told you that. I mean, really, when was the last time the media was sincerely interested in honest journalism?

And speaking of demonic journalists. . .

3. Simon Singh reports once more in The Guardian – After winning his appeal, Singh wants to remind people that the battle for libel reform in the UK is only just beginning.

4. Filipinos celebrate this Zombie Weekend by crucifying themselves – This is an annual tradition in the Philippines on Zombie Weekend where many Filipinos choose to re-enact Jesus’ zombie-fication by actually nailing themselves to wooden crosses.

The Catholic Church disapproves of the annual ritual of devotion but says it cannot stop people in Asia’s largest Roman Catholic country from being voluntarily nailed to a cross or flagellating themselves, only educate them that it isn’t necessary.

Yes, the Catholic Church would much rather they celebrate in a more traditional fashion, by raping young boys and covering it up.

5. Scientists discover gene and part of the brain controlling gullibility, the WTF1 gene - And if you believed that then you have the WTF1 gene. April Fools!

Now speaking of April Fools. . .

6. Shroud of Turin is back in the news – Despite the fact that the face merely looks like the male model who happened to pose as Jesus in Renaissance paintings and despite its total debunking as a several hundred year old forgery, somehow someone has resurrected (hehe, see what I did there) the debate. And it couldn’t come at a more perfect time as it perfectly coincides with my April Fools piece in the Gotham Skeptic about the discovery of Jesus’ face in a Rorschach Test. Check it out.

The family’s 7-year-old boy, who was intentionally unvaccinated against measles, was exposed to the virus while traveling in Europe. When he returned home to San Diego, he unknowingly exposed a total of 839 people, and an additional 11 unvaccinated children contracted the disease.

Three of those infected were babies, too young to have yet received the measles vaccines, and one of the babies was hospitalized for three days with a 106-degree fever, according to a report to be published in the April issue of Pediatrics.

Wow, that’s one hell of a path of destruction caused by a single anti-vax family. Thanks Jenny McCarthy.

2. Magnets can almost instantly change a person’s moral judgment – This would seem to pretty definitively debunk the notion of dualism and fairly conclusively show that the mind is, contrary to Deepak Chopra’s claims,  purely a localized phenomenon. It also further illustrates how absurd the evangelical notion of “objective morality” from “God” is.

3. Critical thinking and skepticism begins at childhood – Here’s a great story of a kid scientifically investigating the Tooth Fairy and successfully debunking it

But not all kids are brought up to be such critical thinkers.

4. New Harris poll confirms most Americans are dummies -

The poll involved 2,320 adults responding to true or false questions. Among many other disturbing facts, 14% of respondents said they believed Obama could be the Antichrist.

. . .

When broken into partisan results, it seems 24% of all Republican respondents hold this view, while only 6% of Democrats are that batshit crazy. But taken as a whole, the numbers in this poll are depressing. 32% think Obama is a Muslim. 23% think Obama is a racist. And 20% say Obama is “doing many of the things Hitler did.”

But I’m pretty sure Hitler didn’t hold a Passover seder in the White House…or cut out the middleman in student loans…or sleep with Michelle Obama.

5. Bill Donohue continues shameless campaign defending child rapists – Now he’s taken out an ad in the NY Times defending the man most responsible for ensuring the child rapists could continue to prey on more children, The Pope. Oh, and he’s moved on from blaming the families of the victims to blaming the gays. It won’t be long now before he blames everyone on Earth except for The Pope.

And he’s not the only one defending child rapists. . .

6. The Vatican has selflessly thought up 3 reasons why they feel The Vatican is not liable – The first is that the Pope, as head of state, is immune from prosecution (aka Joey Ratz does whatever Joey Ratz wants and if you get in the way, he’ll whack you or have your children horribly raped). The second excuse is that the American priests were not Vatican employees  (This should go over really well with the American Catholics). And the third excuse is that they’ve declared by fiat that the smoking gun evidence that has been confirmed by high ranking church officials is really not smoking gun evidence at all (I call this the Jedi Mind Trick defense – these aren’t the droids you’re looking for. Now move along):

McMurry insisted Tuesday that Crimen is a smoking gun.

“The fact is, this document and its predecessors make it an excommunicable offense to reveal any knowledge of allegations that a priest has sexually abused,” he said in an e-mail.

The existence of Crimen did not become publicly known until 2003, when a lawyer noticed a reference to the document while reading a 2001 letter written by Benedict, then Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger. McMurry is seeking to subpoena Ratzinger’s letter, which instructed all bishops to send cases of clerical sex abuse to him and to keep the proceedings secret.

As for that first excuse that a head of state can’t be sued, fine, let’s call it an act of war then. I hope the Vatican has a strong military.

“They kept saying it’s preexisting, it’s preexisting, but I don’t know how it can be preexisting on a baby that was just born,” Doug Tracy said. “If it’s mandated that everyone have health insurance, than how can one be denied?”

Now if this were a libertarian society, this wouldn’t be a problem. The child would just die and that’d be the end of it. Long live the great, benevolent, invisible hand of the free market, right?

2. Christian militia group threatens U.S. for Jesus – Obviously along with the Moscow subway suicide bombings, this was the other big news story today so I’ve got nothing really to add that hasn’t already been said…except to question what these people would have been doing if they didn’t believe in an imaginary friend in the sky.

3. Westboro Baptist Church spoofs Lady Gaga – As you might have guessed, their version’s lyrics can be summed up as God hates fags, you specifically, and everyone else on Earth. It seems they’re now doing covers of their own work. You know, I liked their early stuff but now they’re still doing the same thing. I just think they need to evolve and grow as artists.

This bitch is going to kill us all

1. An anti-anti-vaccine piece published in the least likely place…the Huff Po – Yes, that’s right. A few weeks after publishing Jenny McCarthy‘s incoherent rant against her critics they finally post a response.

And on a related note, this amused me:

2. Heidi Montag fires former “psychic” and manager - I don’t even really know who Heidi Montag is but this story made me laugh. My favorite part of this article:

“Everything was perfectly fine until I received a call from Access Hollywood telling me I was fired,” Chase said in a statement to Access on Friday. “She used the media to tell me I was fired.”

Maybe she fired you because you were as shitty a manager as you obviously are a psychic.

3. But on a related note, TLC aka the channel formally known as “The Learning Channel” is introducing a new show, Paranormal Court -

Robert Hansen, a psychic medium famous among people who believe in psychic mediums, will mediate disputes between family members squabbling over possessions left behind by the deceased.

What a lovely “fuck you” to all those millions of legal professionals who spent years actually studying and practicing law. Who needs legal credentials when you’ve got imaginary psychic powers and TV producers willing to shoot you on camera.

4. And lastly, another fun video:

2. NYPD, The Vampire Slayers – I thing about NYC I never could stand was all the damned vampires.

NYPD are currently hunting a potential vampire who, when rebuffed by a stingy cab driver who refused to hand over the cash, bit his victim about the neck, back, and arms.

If that isn’t proof of vampires I don’t know what is.

3. VSS Enterprise completes maiden voyage into final frontier – The Enterprise is the first spacecraft built for Richard Branson’s commercial spaceflight company Virgin Galactic. And starting next year, Branson hopes it will be ready to take wealthy tourists into space.

4. How are great apes smarter than creationists and other denialists? – Great apes can actually recognize that they could be wrong:

In a series of three experiments, seven gorillas, eight chimpanzees, four bonobos and seven orangutans, from the Wolfgang Köhler Research Center at the Leipzig Zoo in Germany, were presented with two hollow tubes, one baited with a food reward, the other not. The apes were then observed as they tried to find the reward.

In the first experiment, the apes were prevented from watching the baiting but the tubes were shaken to give them auditory information about the reward’s location instead. Dr. Call wanted to see if when the apes were prevented from acquiring visual information, but offered auditory cues instead, they would be able to use the auditory information to reduce their reliance on visual searching.

5. ‘Rare’ new dinosaur fossil discovered -

It had a body the size of a sheep, a long neck and tail, and lived some 185 million years ago. Scientists call this dinosaur find “a rare skeleton of a new species.”

For those keeping count, that’s 184,994,000 years before the existence of the whole universe, according to Young Earth Creationists.

6. Judge rules Mississippi school violated Constance McMillen’s constitutional rights -

U.S. District Judge Glen H. Davidson refused the American Civil Liberties Union’s demand to force the Itawamba County school district to put on the April 2 prom. However, he said canceling it did violate 18-year-old Constance McMillen’s rights and that he would hold a trial on the issue.

. . .

“The court finds this expression and communication falls squarely within the purview of the First Amendment,” Davidson said.