My heart goes out to all the survivors of the NNW bombing (If there were any besides the Chief Editor, lol). I think it’s abhorrent that terrorism continues in this world! We must all come together to defeat this evil! Brian (Letter)

Brian, I could not agree more. We must fight this evil! Thank you so much for your sympathy.

I can’t believe what happened! Somebody actually attacked NNW. It’s just so terrible. I mean you guys are the most non-provocative newspaper out there. I just can’t think why somebody would do this. Carol (Letter)

I wonder that myself Carol. As I sit in my underground sewage lair typing my responses to this week’s letters, my mind wanders and as it drifts these same questions haunt me. But know this Carol, we are not defeated and it is all because of the support of our valued readers.

Guys, fabulous newspaper. Keep up the good work and don’t let terrorists scare you. Amy (Letter)

Thank you Amy. Keep reading and keep supporting us. So long as the public has not yet given up, we won’t either.

I want job. I read you look for staff last week. So you give me job. I sent CeeVee with letter and you look, maybe call me. Narasda (email)

I’m sorry but judging by the writing style you use, I think that you may not be well suited for NNW’s new staff. “Go to learning English” and maybe then we’ll talk.

Ha, ha, ha! Very funny guys. I’m referring to that prank article last week about the bombing! This is so obviously a publicity stunt! I’m disappointed in you all as I thought NNW was a reputable newspaper. Janice (email)

Dear Janice, I’m sorry to disappoint you but this is no publicity stunt. I wish it was but what happened was as real as when the World Trade Center got destroyed.

My name’s Freddy and I’m a mature 32 year old male of sober habits. I’m currently looking for a job and wondered if perhaps NNW are looking for new journalists. If you would like to interview me, I have enclosed my card with all my relevant contact details. Freddy (Letter)

Dear Freddy, your timing is perfect! Something terrible has happened to NNW head office. If you read our first story, you’ll see what I mean. In fact, we’re welcoming job applications from all members of the public right now. Send us a letter or email with your contact details for an interview.

Great paper guys! Keep up the good work and never yield to pressure for the truth is out there. James (Letter)

Thank you for your support James! We won’t ever yield to pressure either from government or from terrorists for the truth comes first! We will continue our noble fight, no matter what.

Dear NNW. My fiancé left me for my father! They have left me and my mother heart-broken and I don’t know what to do. I know you said not to pester you for advice but I’m at my wit’s end. Benjamin (Letter)

Look Benjamin, I feel sorry for you, but right now there are far more dire things going on in the world (especially for NNW) than a cheating lover and an asshole father. Dump the bitch and break your dad’s legs, then get drunk for a week and move the hell on!

I got this great idea for an article! How about you guys do an inside story on the Muppy – it’s a new genetically enhanced version of the guppy. I think it would be really interesting. Gertrude (email)

I think not Gertrude. Thanks for taking an interest though.

Ha, ha, ha! NNW, bet you did not see that coming! You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? I did that! You assholes got what deserved and let that serve as a warning! Know that if you persist, there’s worse to come! Anonymous (email)

Listen to me “Anonymous”! You are a coward for hiding in the shadows. What you did was unthinkable and it has caused many innocent people who had nothing to do with NNW a lot of pain. Who ever you are, know that we are not afraid of you! We will not surrender! We too can go underground and we will. Let’s see if you can find us then! In the end, it seems that you have failed.

It was Monday, the 16^th of November 2009. NNW employees were going about doing their usual tasks looking forward to another lunch break of happy banter and warm, friendly laughter; little did they know that Friday the previous week would prove their last.

‘Eric was standing at the coffee machine. Marsha was at her desk on the phone to Med-tech regarding another advert in our paper. Robert was at the copier. I was about to take an early lunch since it was a hot day and the mask I wear around the office to conceal my identity was a little sweaty. Robert suddenly called out “We’re out of copy paper!” and I replied “I’ll pick some up, I’m on my way out anyway!” from the door. That would be the last time I’d ever see any of them. As I reached the foyer, there was a terrible explosion and next thing I knew, I was covered in debris. My right leg was broken in several places and it took rescue workers over ten minutes to dig me out. It was more angering than traumatic for me though,’ NNW Chief Editor recounts.

The police have made no arrests yet and are still investigating. Apart from several sets of fingerprints, some hair fibres and a tooth, there was absolutely no forensic evidence to be found on the debris from any of the five bomb casings recovered by crime scene investigators.

There’s been a general public outcry about the attack on NNW and apart from an email sent by an anonymous individual, nobody or group has claimed responsibility for the attack, making it even harder for investigators. ‘Where do you start? With a list of NNW’s enemies? Please, that’s a list that could wrap the equator twice,’ says Detective Inspector David Lewis who’s heading the investigation.

NNW have sworn that this attack will in no way intimidate them and that they will continue seeking the truth. ‘We will not step down from this fight but we must, for now, stop to lick our wounds. We will also be going underground and thus the quality of the paper may be compromised for a few weeks. We ask that our readers please be understanding and continue to support us so that we may continue our work: to seek the truth and bring it to you impartially as always,’ NNW Chief Editor says. Since Monday, he has changed the customary “smiley-face” mask he wears to a sad one, a symbol of his mourning.

Mr Kyle Farthing is suing a flock of Miami seagulls known affectionately by locals as “The Screaming Flock”. According to Farthing, the much loved flock of seagulls defecated on his car repeatedly, forcing him to wash his car with harsh chemicals that eventually led to the erosion of the body paint. The case is scheduled to begin on the 1^st of February 2010.

Local Miami residents are outraged by this, saying that the flock of seagulls are a national monument and that Farthing should have parked his car under cover. ‘That stupid man! These birds are part of our national heritage,’ James Lopez, an outraged citizen commented.

As far as legal implications go, the case could open up a proverbial can of worms. ‘People could walk around suing birds for just about everything. This could lead to the eventual eradication of all wild birds,’ Michael Lincoln, a legal expert, warns.

Nonetheless, the case will proceed. Kyle Farthing will represent himself in the matter and infamous defence attorney Melanie Fisher will be defending the seagulls. Neither side is prepared to comment until after the trial.

FAP (For All Parents) has begun a world-wide petition to ban videogames, claiming they are a mind-altering drug. This follows a recent incident in which a sixth grade pupil, Jenny Avery, went postal and attacked teachers and pupils alike whilst mimicking a videogame known as Mario Bros. The move has caused a controversial explosion globally and may prove to become the biggest issue of debate yet.

Though many have signed the petition, a group called FAG (For All Geeks) has risen and begun a counter-petition. It seems FAP have been severely outnumbered as FAP have 10,000 signatures to date whereas FAG have just under 50,000. The overwhelming majority may not be enough to settle this though, as FAP have many connections in governmental departments globally and carry a fair amount of influence.

The mysterious man referring to himself only as “Mr” sent an audio tape to all major press offices saying that there was no need for gamers to fear. ‘If this becomes an issue, I will step in. I have the resources to swat FAP down like an insect. I have moved governments before and will do so again as I set up my utopia. It would be no trouble for me to put my plans on hold to relieve us of this pest. FAP, I suggest you back down before your group is dissolved,’ Mr said on his tape.

FAP have refused to pass a rebuttal comment to Mr’s statement but they have not stopped pushing for the ban on videogames either. The governments of each country that FAP has approached have so far said that they will look into it, refusing to take sides in the matter just yet.

Square Enix, a top videogame developer has been accused of racism recently in a book entitled, “Videogames & Racism” but extremist author, Clarence White.

The African-American  author has pointed out the fact that in early releases of the Final Fantasy series the character classes “Black Mage” and “White Mage” are symbolic of racism. According to White, the class “Black Mage” has destructive magic that only has a use in fighting while the class “White Mage” is given healing abilities and holy magic. ‘This is such an obvious slap in the face to the black man. What these games are saying is that black people (represented by the BLACK mage) can only destroy things and are only useful for fighting. On the other hand, the white man (represented by the WHITE mage) heals people and is all gentle by nature. My brothers, we are being laughed at by the gaming industry, incidentally dominated by the white man in every non-Asian country. We must take a stand and act now,’ an excerpt from White’s book reads.

Square Enix has refused to comment apart from releasing a written press statement in which they describe Clarence White as a “very angry and silly man”. So far, Square Enix has the backing of almost the entire gaming industry. Though White refuses to coment on the statements made in his book, it would seem he still has a bone to pick, having recently published an article in a popular magazine, criticising Capcom for its release of Resident Evil 5/Biohazard 5 which involves the shooting of many African-American enemies.

Dear NNW. I hope you don’t mind but this is the only way I could think of to contact Onegaiblog. Anyway, I just want to say that I really love Onegaiblog. It’s a great little blog. But I do have one criticism: Why are there so few posts? There’s like one or two per week. I’d appreciate it if you did more posting. Josh (Letter)

Dear Josh, this is NNW’s Letters page. This is for letters to NNW. While we are affiliated with Onegaiblog, we are not Onegaiblog. Please refrain from sending letters to us if you intend them for Onegaiblog. If you wish to contact Onegaiblog, please leave a comment on their site. Oh, and re your question about the number of posts, it’s because a rather large amount of labour goes into a post. It requires research to confirm all the facts and the processing of pictures.

Hey, was wondering if you guys at NNW could do an article on my wife’s birthday. She’s your biggest fan and it would mean a lot to us both. Jarred (Letter)

Dear Jarred, we are a newspaper. We are not a petting zoo, a catering company, a team of Elvis impersonators or anything else that relates to birthday parties. Thanks for supporting us, but come on, that request is a little stupid don’t you think?

I was wondering if you guys could help me. I have a girlfriend and I recently proposed but she rejected me. She wishes to continue our relationship but she said that three hours into a relationship is a little premature to be proposing. Kyle (Letter)

Sir, you are an idiot. Besides the fact that three hours is way too early, I specifically told readers last week that this is not a self-help page. Keep reading though.

I like your newspaper, it’s really great. I was wondering if you could help me since I want to start up my own online paper. Jack (Email)

Dear Jack, why would we help a competitor get started? Wouldn’t that just be stupid on our part? If you want to start up a newspaper online, go research how to do it yourself.

Hi, NNW. My name is Gerald and I am 18 years old. I was walking home one day smoking a spliff when a cop arrested me. Just because I had a satchel full of weed, he bust me for intent to sell. That means I’m facing serious prison time. Now I already explained to him that I like to buy in bulk and I’m not a dealer but he didn’t care and now I have to appear in court on the 12^th of December. I would like it if you could arrange a rally or protest outside the court on my behalf since I’m a very good customer. Gerald (Email)

No.

Due to gross lack of funds and constant pressure from communities, the South African Government has decided that the only way to push its housing project forward is to begin utilising Papex® for housing. Papex® is essentially Paper Mache with the addition of moulding Polymers. Though the houses will not be wind or water proof, director of the project, Josef Malumbe says that there’s nothing to worry about. ‘There’s no cause for concern. Every residence shall be given a sheet of waterproof canvas to throw over their house when it starts to rain,’ Malumbe says.

Many people have criticised the new Papex® houses saying they are a disgrace. ‘These things will fall down and probably kill the residents,’ Theodore Maloi, a builder, says. ‘Why must we live in that thing? It’s government’s fault! They promised the houses in 1994 and now they have no money because they build all those 2010 soccer stadiums,’ an angry resident remarked. ‘I’m worried about my children really. You see that plastic or whatever cover only protects the top. The [rain] water runs along the streets in the winter and then the house will get wet at the bottom,’ another angry resident complained.

In response to the growing outcry, President Jacob Zuma made an address to the nation regarding the Papex® houses, ‘Now how can water run along the streets. If you look [at] the ground, you see the water goes into the soils. These houses are fine. If I wasn’t president, I would happily live in one.’

ANC Youth League leader, Julius Malema also had his say regarding the situation, ‘There’s nothing wrong with the houses. How can there be? If you look [at] the house, you’ll see: Does it look like it can fall down? When we growed up, we lived in clay huts. If you can notice, the clay melts in the water, but then when you make the house; does it fall over? Maybe if there can be a storm but that will knock the shack over too. Now where is this ideas that the Papex® houses can fall over coming from? The only thing I know is the white people were complaining first. It’s the white people who are not liking this.’

In spite of government’s attempt to put residents at ease, riots have broken out. Nonetheless, the Papex® Housing Project is moving forward and it’s estimated that it should be completed by 2011.

Kevin Branson was out bird watching as usual on Sunday when he was suddenly accosted by a flock of savage starlings. According to witnesses, the veteran birdwatcher immediately tried to subdue the creatures using bird-hypnosis techniques. Unfortunately Branson was unsuccessful and a single brazen starling flew towards him, poking him in the face and drawing blood. This was the beginning of the end for Branson.

At this point, one of the eyewitnesses dialled 911, but it was too late; the starlings had already smelled blood. The next few agonising seconds of Branson’s life were his last as the starlings systematically stripped him to the bone in under a minute. The group of onlookers immediately dispersed and although some were pursued by the crazed birds, nobody else sustained serious injury.

Local residents are now calling for police intervention saying that unless something is done to either relocate or eliminate the community of starlings, they will begin rioting.

The first pro-terrorist videogame, “Osama’s Story” (closest English translation), will hit gaming shelves in December 2009. NNW was allowed a sneak-peak at it so that we could play and rate it.

[Screenshot not available]

Official Title(s): Osama’s Story

Copyright: © 2009

Company: FUKU2 Games

Platform(s): PS3, PC, Nintendo Wii, Xbox 360

Genre(s): Action, FPS, 3^rd Person Adventure

Synopsis:

Osama is a young boy of 12 growing up in the fictitious country Iranis in the middle-east. When American franchise McRonald’s begin opening up their chain stores all over Iranis, Osama’s parents are forced to close their family takeaway down due to loss of income as a result of McRonald’s. Upon that day, Osama swears revenge on America. He spends ten years in brutal training before finally becoming an official terrorist. Now 22 years old, Osama receives his first mission: Destroy the pentagon.

Review:

Storyline: 4/5 – The storyline’s actually rather riveting in spite of the subject matter. It goes quite in-depth into Osama’s thinking, his personality and his past. It includes a number of plot-twists and interesting situations caused by the characters Osama meets along the way.

Characters: 4/5 – There are only two playable characters; Osama and Naziem. Despite this fact, the support characters are very realistic and each has his or her own unique persona. One often empathises with both protagonist and antagonist alike thanks to the masterful script-writing and character design.

Gameplay: 5/5 – The game combines many different gameplay styles. There are both first-person and third-person combat scenes as well as car chases, helicopter rides and even some RPG elements as Osama and Naziem’s strength grows throughout the game.

Graphics: 2/5 – The graphics are nothing special, especially in comparison with today’s standards. I’d place them between Dino Crisis 2 on the PS1 and Resident Evil 4 on the PS2. There are even times the game feels rather flat.

Soundtrack: 1/5 – The soundtrack has perhaps two mildly good themes on it. The rest of it is filled with a mix of middle-eastern rap, Indian pop and country & western. Ultimately its definitely the last OST to even consider downloading.

Replayability: 2/5 – You’ll want to replay the game but only once and only because there is a special Infinite Ammo mode to be unlocked by completing the game with an A or S rank.

Overall Enjoyment: 4/5 – As a once-off, the game’s mostly pleasant despite the bad graphics and hideous soundtrack. Because of the sheer fun of the gameplay and witty conversations, it actually becomes rather easy to forget about the game’s negative qualities. However, after completing it, you will be left feeling as if they could have done so much more with it.

Extra Titbits:

There was a lot of controversy in some countries (especially Britain and the US) about whether or not to allow the game to be distributed within their borders. In the end though, it was allowed after the Game Distributors Union threatened to halt the distribution of the games Tekken 999 and Mortal Kombat vs Archie World, both scheduled for release in December as well

Key: 5.Excellent   4.Good   3.So-so   2.Poor   1.Awful   0. Terrifyingly bad

I notice you’re affiliated with Onegaiblog. In fact you’re the same writer, aren’t you? Aha! I see what you did there! So, what do I get for keeping your secret, a secret? Anonymous (Letter)

Congratulations and thank you Captain Obvious. I think we’ve made our association abundantly clear. It is not a secret. A child of nine with Downs Syndrome and half a brain with a lead pipe shoved through it could have worked that out. However, NNW does not represent the opinions of Onegaiblog anymore than Onegaiblog’s opinions represent ours.

My name is Abby. I am 16 years old and have a boyfriend of 45. Everyone says he’s too old for me but I don’t see him that way. Everything was good up until my parents said that I should break up with him or they’d kick me out. He offered to take me in but I don’t want to become estranged from my parents. What should I do? Abby (Email)

Dear Abby, NNW’s Letters section is not a self-help page. Please write to a teen magazine rather. I feel they could give you far more politically correct advice than I. If I were to give you advice, hypothetically speaking of course, I’d say move in with him provided he has a decent place in a decent neighbourhood and can afford to support you. Your parents will forgive you, that’s what parents are like. If they don’t, they’re fail and you’re better off without them. If he is a loser, then tell him that you can’t be with him for now but you two will stay in touch via email until you’ve graduated college and have a stable job. The same applies if your parents have a large inheritance waiting for you (Cyanide speeds things up by the way).

Hi NNW, my name’s P3t3r. No, that’s not 1337, it’s genuinely my name (Dad was crazy and mom was on crack). Anyway, just like to say that I really like your paper and all. I was curious though about your format. It seems you always have a letters page, four articles and this week’s header apart from issue #1. Was just wondering if you would spice it up a little, maybe a bonus article now and then? P3t3r (Email).

Look, I’ve explained this quite a few times already. We stuck to our format for financial reasons. Lucky for you, this week we have some advertisers so things will begin changing from next week. We still won’t be doing pictures. Give us a chance to get up and running! Also, just to let you (And everyone reading this) know; we will do loads of bonus material in our anniversary edition. Now, please stop sending emails of this nature. Oh, and thank you very much for your email, keep reading!

I have two girlfriends and one boyfriend. I never intended this to happen, it just sort of did. I’m not in love with any of them and want to break up with them all. The problem is I don’t know if I can handle triple the emotional upheaval of a normal break-up. What should I do, I want a clean break. William (Email)

Dear William. As I explained to Abby, this is not a self-help page. You’re in luck because I’m feeling kindly though. Firstly, you are in the wrong here. Therefore you must bear the burden of your actions. Still, if you have trouble actually saying “It’s over” (Many people do) then why not arrange a little setup. Invite all three of them to meet you at the same time in the same place. They will all (Hopefully) break up with you, leaving you at least partially guilt free.

Just a note to all our readers: This week we were flooded by letters and emails requesting advice. Those not published were discarded. We helped Anna as a once off special case. Do not get the impression that NNW’s Letters page will become an advice column. We will accept no further correspondence seeking help or advice. Thank you and keep reading.

After much debate over the last few years, the Brighter Future Schooling Method has been ratified by all parties concerned and will start taking effect immediately. This has caused generally negative reactions from many teachers, parents and groups alike.

The Brighter Future Schooling Method is one based around “Letting children learn how they want to, at their own pace”. This entails having no set curriculum and allowing students to learn what they want as the school year progresses. The classroom will be filled with study materials which the kids may choose whether or not and how to use. The teacher will no longer serve the role of an educator but rather “a guide” whose job it is to insure children do not fight and to answer any questions student have, regardless of the nature of the inquiry. The children are allowed to spent the entire day playing if they so wish. ‘If they don’t want to learn, isn’t forcing them infringing their rights as individuals?’ says Gerald Fartman, creator of the system, in response to the many complaints from parents about this “methodology”. The students will also no longer be kept back a year if they fail to meet requirements as requirements will no longer be set and thus exams have been eliminated. ‘We feel it’s important for children’s self-esteem to not feel that they need to meet any criteria in order to advance in life,’ Fartman explained.

Teachers have complained bitterly, most saying that these children will never learn any self-discipline and many are threatening to strike. ‘What motivation will they have if they don’t have to work for anything?’ Penny Gifford, a teacher at a private school, asked. ‘We will end up breeding a generation of imbeciles! Children don’t want to learn until they reach the age of reason. It’s our duty to give them a head start before then,’ Henry Bateman said in a recent internet publication.

But teachers are not the only ones wit things to say. Many parents have been joining with the group FAP (For All Parents) who are petitioning to have the old system revoked. ‘They’ll go to school angels and come home monsters! I want my children to be motivated! I want them to get a job when they leave school! Who’s going to employ somebody with no real education?’ a parent who wishes not to be identified said at a rally. Fartman had a rebuttal though when we posed this question to him. ‘If the entire population has what this woman refers to as “no education” then her children will have as much chance of getting work as everybody else.’

The only group that has showed any favour towards the new education legislation has been FOK (For Our Kids) who made the following statement at a press conference, ‘Children are naturally good. It is the world that corrupts our little angels. By removing the competitive nature of the schooling system, they will no longer be corrupted by the idea that one has to be intelligent to make it in this world. A greater feeling of equality awaits generations to come. I foresee everybody being happier than ever before once the new generation has taken over.’

In an attempt to circumvent the new education system, some parents have decided on home schooling their children. But this may be to no avail as a new law prohibiting this is in the pipelines. ‘We do not want a minority of un-likeminded people who were raised in a competitive environment. If this means the sacrifice of a few liberties, so be it,’ says Lawrence Axel, minister of education.

Despite resistance from schools, parents and teachers, the conversion to the new system has already begun and an education inspection committee is being formed in order to ensure that all schools have fully complied with the Brighter Future Schooling Method by April next year.

Last week we received a very distressed letter from one of our readers. She had a terrible experience and needed our help. This is what the letter said.

‘My name is Kathy and I’m writing in to ask if you could please do a story on Mr Save Supermarket. I received horrendous treatment from them the other day when I brought back a litre of milk that was sour. It had only been in my refrigerator for three weeks yet they refused to refund me for it. According to them, “Milk only lasts a few days at the most unless it’s shelf-milk”. To me this is a con to make customers buy long-life milk which is double the price of regular milk.’

So we decided to investigate further. ‘Milk doesn’t fokin last that long. Three weeks is old. She should have bought shelf-milk if she wanted it to keep. Now get that microphone out my face,’ was all T. J. Swart, the manager of Mr Save, said before having me escorted from the premises.

I decided to take this further. After much ado, I was finally granted an interview with Gary Muller, the owner of Mr Save. Muller said, ‘Three weeks hey? Well she shouldn’t have kept it that long. Why didn’t she buy shelf-milk?’ to which I replied, ‘Isn’t it true that shelf-milk is a little over double the price of the regular stuff?’ leaving the man speechless for at least twenty seconds. He then finally responded by bursting out laughing. When I asked if there was something funny that I had said, he replied, ‘You don’t understand milk, do you? Go speak to a dairy farmer.’

So I took my investigation back to the source. I phoned Kathy and asked if she recalled the brand of milk and she told me it was called Mortcow Dairy. After that it was merely a case of tracking down who owned the company and coercing him into an interview.

Before the interview however, I infiltrated the farm by disguising myself as a cow in order to inspect the conditions. I was pleasantly surprised to find that they had a very good standard of hygiene on the Mortcow Dairy farm. There are a dedicated team of rats and cockroaches that consume all the dead and decaying matter. The staff all wash their hands once a day and the milk bottles are rinsed out thoroughly in a stream than runs passed the back of the farm.

After my infiltration, it was time to interview Joshua Dickleberry, owner of Mortcow Dairy. My first question was, of course, why the milk expired in only three weeks. I got the same response as I had received from the manager and the owner of Mr Save. That’s when I hit him with the fact that the shelf-milk was double the price of the regular milk. ‘That is because of a bacteria present in regular milk that causes it to decompose. When we make shelf-milk, we must use a special process and chemicals to remove this bacteria,’ Dickleberry replied.

There was nothing else to be said at that point so I left. It’s obvious that Mortcow Dairy deliberately do not remove the bacteria from their regular milk in order to save costs and it’s at the customer’s expense. What got to me was that Dickleberry was so open and honest about it. Apparently, this is standard practice in the dairy industry. Sadly, the consumer is left to suffer the end result.

The final part of my investigation brought me full circle. I returned to Mr Save now armed with this evidence and demanded to know why they stocked a product they knew to be inferior. ‘Because it’s normal. Everyone else does it. That is the accepted lifespan of regular milk,’ Swart told me before having me thrown out and informing security not to allow me back onto the premises.

I was now left with a guilty dairy farm but nothing to prove any sort of liability on Mr Save’s part. Feeling as if I was getting nowhere, I finally turned to the one source I had not tapped; the customers themselves. Finally, I got the evidence which I needed. According to a number of customers I interviewed, bad milk is not the only sketchy foodstuff that Mr Save stocks.

Every item listed here was confirmed by a customer receipt: Apples that went off after a month, cheese that grew mouldy after only three days out of the refrigerator, knives that need sharpening after less than a year and clothing that loses its colour when washed in bleach.

I returned to Mr Save with the evidence but was denied entry so I sent my assistant the next day. She approached Mr Muller with all the evidence I had gathered as well as a tape recorder. Instead of apologising and confessing his wrongdoing, Mr Muller began laughing and had my assistant escorted out by security.

And there you have it; the truth about Mr Save and their so-called “Hi-quality goods at affordable prices”. The truth has now been exposed and the rest is up to the wheels of justice. We would like to extend our thanks to all the Mr Save customers that helped us in our investigation and especially Kathy who put us onto this lead.

Med-Tech offers the finest pre-used hypodermic needles that money can buy. Because we care about our customers and their patients, we ensure that all hypodermic needles have been thoroughly rinsed under a cold tap before repackaging. And because our needles are pre-used, our rates are far more reasonable in comparison to our competitors who sell new needles. On top of that, our products all come with a one-day guarantee! So why not phone +21 57 993 1254 8669 and place your order today!

The news has shocked all those who have heard it. Convicted sex-offender and self-confessed paedophile Geoffrey Leonard is to have a monument built in the middle of Gday Square, Brisbane, Australia. Many are outraged and the question on everybody’s lips is “WHY?”

In an exclusive interview, John Dingdings of the International Monument Foundation, the IMF for short, says that Leonard is to receive this monument to him for his dedication to his beliefs. ‘The man has been ridiculed all over the internet, you need only look on youtube to see this, and spurned by society. Yet, instead of apologising and paying lip-service, Leonard sticks to his beliefs and continues to rally for the dismantling of the Child Sex Protection Laws,’ says Dingdings.

FAP (For All Parents) demanded that we interview them so they may make their comments and we graciously inclined their request. ‘This is simply appalling. We blame it all on NNW. Ever since this paper has begun quoting us, our influence seems to have decreased dramatically. Were it not for your disgusting rag, we would have still had the influence to put pressure on the IMF’ said Gillian Mayflower. Our editor made a rebuttal speech says, ‘If it smells like shit, it probably is. FAP, just watch what you say in future. We are merely quoting you.’

The Paedophile Rights Association sees this as a great victory despite the fact that Dingdings has stated categorically, ‘We do not support paedophiles, merely the fighting spirit that Leonard has shown.’

Leonard is decidedly ecstatic about this turn of events. ‘It’s time somebody showed some appreciation for my struggle. I don’t care what Gillian Mayflower says because she is a shithouse. I will not, not, NOT back down now,’ Leonard says.

The monument is to be a three meter high bronze statue of Leonard topless, cradling a nude young teenage boy in his arms. The inscription on the plaque at the base will read, “I am a man of God” – one of the many famous Leonard quotes that has become a youtube meme.

After receiving two letters from Anna, a loyal reader, asking for help, we decided we’d make a special allowance and bend the rules of the paper for her. We decided not only to give her advice but invited our readers to give their responses. Here is the letter with our editor’s response.

Hi, it’s Anna here. I’d just like to say how grateful I am that you decided to help me with my problem. I’ve never heard of a newspaper that would do that. Anyways, here it is: My husband wants to divorce me because I suffer from nymphomania. He insists I need psychological help but I have refused as I do not believe my problem will affect our marriage. This is because I am hideously deformed and have facial hair. No other man would go near me with a barge-pole. Despite this, my husband insisted on wasting money on having me see a psychiatrist. As I mentioned earlier, I refused to (Quite justifiably I believe) and now he’s divorcing me. I really need help. Anna (Letter)

Dear Anna, it seems you are missing a fundamental basic here. Your husband is concerned that you may in the future cheat. Supposing you had a car accident, got mauled by a bear or fell into a vat of acid tomorrow. The reconstructive surgery may improve your looks greatly. What then? If you suddenly found men coming onto you, you may be unable to resist the temptation. There exists also an underground of fetishists who find deformity sexually appealing. If you bumped into one of them, then what? I know you feel it’s unnecessary and you don’t want to do it, perhaps you should get mental help. Is pride really worth losing your marriage over?

Sadly we received very little feedback. On the plus side though, it means we can print everyone’s comments. Here are the comments from our readers, completely word for word as they were written and uncensored.

I agree with NNW’s editor; you should get counselling. Marriage is about sacrifice and I’m sure your husband made a lot of sacrifices by marrying you, considering your physical appearance (Unless he’s blind). Paris Hilton

Hi Anna. I’m an Australian “uggo fetishist” – I get turned on by ugly and deformed women – and I was wondering if you could give me a call. My number is +61 791 6699 825 194. Jake Steak.

You are pathetic. You sound like one of those emo bitches. Get a life. Walter S.

Girl, don’t let yo man be tellin you wat to do. You a free woman so act like it. Letisha Hightower.

I’m not writing so much to give you advice as to give a shout to all my mates! Guys, I love you and that last match between Arsenal and Man-U when we got so wasted was like the best night of my life! Oh, by the way Anna, stop being weak. Like make your own choices in life. Sam Simpson.

Go be an hero. Anon.

Just pretend to go to the therapy. It’s not that hard. I’ve been pretending to go to drug counselling for like two years and my girlfriend and parents are none the wiser. A. Garrison.

A shocking discovery was made recently by one of our investigative journalists. Unfortunately we were under instruction from police not to publish this article until they had completed their investigation.

Bronze Medal is a well known and respected manufacturer of everybody’s most loved food – Canned Lamb Curry. But behind the beautiful black and white label with Arabic printing lies a dark secret that will make you sick. That is, that Bronze Medal’s Lamb Curry is not made from lamb but human meat.

It all started when I found a tooth in a can of Bronze Medal Lamb Curry. I thought little of it at the time and wrote it off as a factory worker with a loose tooth sneezing in the wrong direction. Not more than a week later though, I noticed a partially minced finger in another can I had bought. Again I wrote it off as an accident involving a factory worker and the meat grinder. However, the third can I bought just made me a little suspicious as I found a human eyeball in it. I decided then that I should probably investigate it.

My investigations brought me to the production factory which is located next door to Happy Cemetery. It was quite a morbid setting for a factory but I reasoned that the premises must have been cost effective and saw no immediate problem. My plan had been to sneak into the factory that evening and check it out so I waited until nightfall, concealed in the garbage can.

That night when I emerged, I was shocked. I clearly saw factory workers digging up graves, removing the bodies and taking them inside the facility. My curiosity now peaked, I snuck inside to discover what I had begun to fear was true: They were feeding the bodies into meat grinders. After recording some footage as evidence, I put as much distance between myself and the factory as I could.

Once I’d broken the news to the police, they launched their own investigation and asked that NNW not run with the story. Reluctantly I agreed.

The police have since closed the factory and arrested all the employees along with the owner, Daniel Gout. When asked what he was thinking, Gout replied, ‘They’re dead! They hardly need their bodies. Besides, I’m recycling and helping feed people in a time of economic crisis.’

So far, the story has not reached the press apart from NNW but it’s suspected there will be a huge public outburst.

Hi, it’s Anna here. I’d just like to say how grateful I am that you decided to help me with my problem. I’ve never heard of a newspaper that would do that. Anyways, here it is: My husband wants to divorce me because I suffer from nymphomania. He insists I need psychological help but I have refused as I do not believe my problem will affect our marriage. This is because I am hideously deformed and have facial hair. No other man would go near me with a barge-pole. Despite this, my husband insisted on wasting money on having me see a psychiatrist. As I mentioned earlier, I refused to (Quite justifiably I believe) and now he’s divorcing me. I really need help. Anna (Letter)

Dear Anna, it seems you are missing a fundamental basic here. Your husband is concerned that you may in the future cheat. Supposing you had a car accident, got mauled by a bear or fell into a vat of acid tomorrow. The reconstructive surgery may improve your looks greatly. What then? If you suddenly found men coming onto you, you may be unable to resist the temptation. There exists also an underground of fetishists who find deformity sexually appealing. If you bumped into one of them, then what? I know you feel it’s unnecessary and you don’t want to do it, perhaps you should get mental help. Is pride really worth losing your marriage over?

*Before we continue with the letters, I’d just like to personally welcome readers to comment on Anna’s problem. Have your say by leaving a comment if you think you have advice that’s worth offering. We will try and publish what we can in next week’s edition.

My name is Kathy and I’m writing in to ask if you could please do a story on Mr Save Supermarket. I received horrendous treatment from them the other day when I brought back a litre of milk that was sour. It had only been in my refrigerator for three weeks yet they refused to refund me for it. According to them, “Milk only lasts a few days at the most unless it’s shelf-milk”. To me this is a con to make customers buy long-life milk which is double the price of regular milk. Kathy (Letter)

This is an outrage Kathy. We will have one of our journalists look into it immediately. Thank you for the tip. We always appreciate it when our customers put us onto a good lead.

I really love your newspaper. It speaks to me in ways nobody seems to understand. I just want NNW to know that I buy two copies a week. One is for reading, the other one I wrap in acid-free plastic and place in a display case I built specially for my NNW collection. Markus (Email)

Markus, we really appreciate your enthusiasm. It’s customers like you that make journalism worth all the death threats and police brutality.

Hey NNW. I’d like, if it’s okay with you, to give a shout out to all my friends and family via your letters page. So here’s to all my friends; you’re all awesome! Patty, I love you and you’re like the most awesome chick ever! Mom, Dad, I forgive you guys for selling me to a Taiwanese sweat shop when I was five. I still think you two are awesome, wherever you are. Jack (Email)

Awesome letter Jack, awesome letter! Good luck with your parents and keep reading.

Do you people ever publish anything true? Are you legally allowed to misquote public figures? This paper is absolute trash. And one last thing: Your speling and grammer is atrocious. Penny (Email)

Jeez Penny, lighten up. What you need right now is a long, hot, lavender oil bath followed by one hell of a shag and finally a full on English Breakfast the next morning. Now firstly, everything we publish is fact and secondly, even if it wasn’t true, we have a disclaimer. Finally, about the terrible spelling and grammar, we all make mistakes – including you. We have deadlines and I have my own blog to run besides being an editor for this paper so excuse me if I overlook something because it’s 4:00am and I haven’t slept for two days and I have to get things to press in the next two hours.

It’s new, it’s hip, it’s trendy and it’s called Mr Drugs. This toy is a 150cm high action figure sold with a set of accessories which include a mock up of a heroin needle, a packet of cocaine and some marijuana spliffs. Mr Drugs can be injected with the heroin needle or a suction button can be pressed on his back to make him snort the cocaine and suck in the marijuana smoke.

Made from a special shape-changing metal alloy, Mr Drugs changes shape slowly every time he is exposed to the drugs in the accessory kit which all contain a catalyst that causes a reaction with this alloy. Over time, Mr Drugs becomes more and more emaciated. Special enamel paints for his eyes become redder and redder and a speaker inside the toy replays a set of basic maths problems and answers that become more and more inaccurate as his drug exposure progresses. Eventually the toy dies, letting out a miserable howl and spewing forth a foul-smelling substance that resembles vomit from its mouth.

‘The toy is said to be aimed at early drug awareness for kids,’ Richard Alberts, Public Liaison for SafeT-oys, says. ‘I think it’s a fabulous idea. These kids will see the toy responding negatively to drugs and think “That could be me!” which is bound to put them off experimenting,’ Jenny Caring, a primary teacher, commented. ‘It’s so fun slowly killing Mr Drugs! He’s so funny when he cries and pukes before dying! I’ve killed five already!’ Damien, a 12 year old fan of the toy, said. ‘All we can say is it’s about time,’ FAP (For All Parents) said in one of their recent leaflets.

Not all responses have been positive though. Despite being a long time anti-drugs lobbyist, Daniel Fishman has criticised the toy. ‘As great as it is that it teaches children how harmful drugs are, there’s a darker side to the toy too. You see the children are basically killing it by feeding drugs into it. If they began finding it fun, this could lead to all kinds of dangerous tendencies in later development,’ Fishman says. There have also been a number of complaint letters from a small minority of parents who agree with Fishman. On top of this, many drug dealers have gone on strike saying that the toy will cause them loss of income. ‘We feel this is grossly unfair! By inducting children at a young age and instilling in them that drugs are so dangerous, drug dealers have almost no hope of convincing them otherwise. How are we expected to sell our product and put food on the table then? This is just simply unfair and we feel now that we’re being targeted,’ Spiv Lawrence, head of the DDU (Drug Dealer’s Union) said in an exclusive interview. As a result of the drug dealer’s strike, many drug users have now joined the protest to have the toy banned.

Despite the resistance, sales figures for Mr Drugs are through the roof with an overwhelming percentage of the population in favour of the toy. Due to this fact, SafeT-oys have begun manufacturing a Mrs Drugs which will begin shipping by the end of next month. ‘If all goes well,’ Richard Alberts says, ‘we will be bringing out an educational toy that teaches children about premarital sex, STDs/STIs and unwanted pregnancies.’

A superhero calling himself “The Sienna Justice” died on Wednesday evening on his first night out. According to witnesses it was shortly after he leapt from the Empire State Building that he came crashing down to slam straight into the pavement, instantly killing him. Police are baffled as to the cause of Sienna Justice’s death but suspect that it may be linked to the evil villain, Dr Malignant. ‘There’s no other explanation,’ Mat Blanc, chief forensic investigator, says, ‘He was a brand new superhero and had not made any enemies yet. Then, on the night of his debut, he climbs up onto the Empire State to take his first flight and goes careening into the pavement. The only explanation is that Dr Malignant caught wind of this man’s plans to become a superhero and somehow sabotaged the poor fellow.’

According to friends, Sienna Justice was a quiet and well mannered man who liked to spend his time reading comic books and helping his mom with shopping. ‘He was such a nice boy. Even at the age of forty, he hadn’t moved out into his own place so he could spend time with me,’ Sienna Justice’s mother recalls. ‘He was a great friend, quiet and withdrawn but there was something about him that was special. I even found him attractive despite his scraggly, greasy hair, pale skin and weight of 140kgs,’ a close female friend confessed.

Apart from its effects on those closest to him, the death of this hero has rocked the world as The Sienna Justice could have finally been that crime-fighting protector of the night we’ve all been waiting for. A private ceremony will be held for friends and family on Saturday followed by a public service on Sunday.

Everyone’s pulled that prank on somebody at least once in their lives. It’s one of the oldest lines in the book. Yet surprisingly, people have fallen for it time and time again; so much so that a wave of letters is sent to Oxford every year asking them why they removed the word and many demanding that it be put back. Feeling the build up of half a century’s worth of frustration, Oxford language professors finally cracked and it was unanimously decided on Monday, 26 October 2009 that the word would officially be removed. ‘We have decided that this shall be the final wave of harassing letters and emails,’ John Smith, head professor, says, ‘People will most likely complain for a few months but then it will die down and they will come to accept this change. Once that happens, the prank will be rendered useless and it will end the flood of annoying correspondence.’

There has been little public outcry surprisingly. ‘It’s about time. I fell for that joke twice and I’m sick of it,’ Jake, a street sweeper, commented. ‘I don’t care, I never use the word,’ Emily, a high school pupil remarked. Some scholars are actually even claiming that the word “gullible” should not ever have been in the dictionary anyway. ‘You see it was never an English word to begin with. It is actually an Elven word which originally just meant a person who was trusting, not in a blind sense but more in the sense of somebody who believes in the good in all beings. It started off as a complement,’ Judy Devon, a professor in Elven explained.

A law will soon be passed in Britain prohibiting the use of the word. ‘We just want to get people out of the habit of using the word is all. It’s a minimal fine but enough to make one think,’ Captain Soddy Potroast said at a police press conference.

South Africa and America however have refused to accept the change to the dictionary claiming American-English and South African-English are totally separate languages from traditional English. Although most people agree that this is an acceptable stance for both countries to take, there are many purists that are claiming that this attitude is negative and will have dire future consequences. ‘It’s already difficult to know what an American is on about these days. If South Africa and America continue this rubbish, eventually the original English language will grow so far apart from them, that they won’t be able to communicate with the world,’ John Smith warned.

It is unclear at this stage as to whether countries whose second language is English will comply with the new Oxford dictionary and remove the word or not. Some analysts believe that it’s likely that these countries will leave their dictionaries intact as it would be too costly to begin printing new ones.

There has been much ado about the Caster Semenya saga and the flames have still not died down one hundred percent yet. As a professional athlete that’s now been disqualified from running ever again, the poor girl/boy will be left with not much in the way of a career. But things are about to change, not just for Caster but all hermaphrodites and inter-sexed people globally.

A planning committee was set up by an anonymous man only known as “Mr” to have a Special Olympics created for sexually undetermined people. After a month of planning, the regulations were drawn up. There will be four gender classes for each event; a dominant male and a dominant female for inter-sexed people and a dominant male and dominant female for true-hermaphrodites. The events will include all the usual challenges from javelin to hurdles. Mr made a statement to the press while wearing a black satin bag with eyeholes over his head, ‘If there are Special Olympics for the mentally challenged and Special Olympics for the physically challenged, why should there not be Special Olympics for the genderly challenged?’

Nobody has ever been able to ascertain the true identity of the apparently very wealthy and powerful Mr but he has been behind a number of reforms in the past. There are many theories as to who Mr is which include an alien, a demon, a famous actor, an eccentric millionaire and even an android. Still, despite all the theories, Australia was still more than happy to host the first Hermalympics (the informal and affectionate name for the “genderly challenged” Special Olympics) in Sydney.

With a surprising public response, more than four thousand tickets have been sold since sales began on Tuesday and at this rate it’s expected to be a full-house long before the event is scheduled to commence in 2013.

Dear NNW. I am displeased with the obvious deformation of Julius Malema’s character. It seems you are targeting him. In two consecutive issues, you have quoted him saying very embarrassing things. Do you not think that what politicians say should be censored before reporting back to the public? James (Letter)

Let me start by saying that as Editor, I’m truly regretful that you feel this way. By “this way” I do not refer to your opinions about our paper but rather to your opinion regarding politics. Let me make it clear that it is a politician’s duty not to make a fool of him/herself. If one does and there is a journalist present, then all the better that the public knows. As far as your allegation about “targeting him” is concerned, pay careful attention. If a politician makes an idiot of themselves publicly extremely often, it is them who are targeting themselves.

Hi all, great paper. This isn’t a criticism; it’s merely a suggestion or two. Why don’t you guys have a self help page? I think it would be good. Obviously not a trashy glossy magazine type one, but something that focuses on the more serious issues. People’s letters may actually become great leads for future articles. Also, it would be nice if your articles were accompanied by pictures. Anna (letter)

Hi again Anna. I believe we’ve been through this before. We can’t afford the printing costs of pictures yet and we don’t do self-help. You seem to be troubled though as you are obviously rather obsessed with a self-help page. How about writing to us and telling us what your problem(s) is? Since you’re a valued customer, I shall make a special exception for you and personally give you advice.

This is an anonymous warning. I have taken offence to your slanted articles regarding FAP, that’s the For All Parents group. You make them sound like a bunch of bored PTA mothers and unemployed, stuck up, rich fathers. If you do not cease your reporting on these matters immediately, a bomb will be planted on your premises. You will not know when but it will happen. This letter cannot be traced. Pete L. Smithford (Letter)

Dear Peter. Some advice. When you send anonymous letters, do not sign your name at the bottom. That’s a clear give away. Secondly, don’t lick the envelopes as your saliva is DNA evidence. Thirdly, you left fingerprints all over the letter and the envelope. Finally, we don’t have offices – it’s an internet newspaper and our address is a public mail box that’s been registered in a fictitious name. Nice try anyway. Keep up the good work and don’t stop reading.

Can’t you guys do two fokkin issues a week? I fokkin love your paper. It’s so fokkin cool! I just fokkin love it. I can’t stop fokkin reading it! I fokkin read last issue three fokkin times. Wikus (Email)

Thank you so very much Wikus. Unfortunately, we can only publish on a weekly basis. We have named our paper “Not The News Weekly”. If we printed more often we would have to change our name and our address. These things are costly and tedious. Still, we value your support.

Three weeks ago, aliens landed in Zimbabwe where they apparently sustained injuries from “accidental gunfire”. They were then treated at President Mugabe’s private medical facility. Since then, all public access to the aliens was denied. An alleged statement was made by the alien leader and delivered to the press through one of president Mugabe’s representatives. Since then, the world has waited on tenterhooks for the aliens to recover.

It was a clear and sunny morning at “Area 1” – the informal name of the facility where the alien craft was being held. At approximately 11:32am, a roaring sound came from the main hanger and the alien craft emerged. Without word, the craft shot off into the blue abyss bound for space. After it reached the moon, the vessel sent a transmission to Earth that appeared on every television and radio in the world, covering every single signal frequency. The message was in very poor English but the intention was clear, ‘This a message to Earth. We disgusted by treatment here. We get shot and experimented on. We only escape because one human feel sorry for us. We never come back here. We warn all planets about human beings. We thank man who help us escape. If you humans try make space craft like ours, we make war on you and you all die. Goodbye.’

An international froth has been stirred up and the world is blaming Mugabe for the alien’s poor opinions of Earthlings. Mugabe responded with ‘I don’t care what you say. All the colonials in England are doing this because they want me out of power. I will not submit to them. If anyone says it’s my fault once more, I shall shoot them’. The statement has only served to further infuriate the public as well as the political arena. However, it was the stand-up comic Joe Furry who managed to calm things down when he did his latest show in Whales. In it he parodied the entire debacle before making a serious statement at the end in which he said that we should simply put this behind us and continue to strive towards growing so that one day we could prove to the rest of the alien races out there that we were in fact ready for space travel.

Back in South Africa though, things were not so bright. Malema held a rally in order to have his say. ‘These aliens are the victims here of racial discrimination. Even myself, I thought they may be friends of that Mugabe. Now we hear this. But, what I want to know, where were the white people? Why did the white people do nothing? Was this racism? I cannot know. The only thing I know, maybe the aliens will have come for the 2010 world cup. But now they won’t. It is that Mugabe’s fault. We must pick up our guns!’ Malema said before retiring to a limousine. Analysts are worried that if Malema persists, he may very well succeed in starting a war between South Africa and Zimbabwe. ‘At this time, so close to the 2010 world cup which Malema seems to love so much, it would be a very bad idea to start a war,’ Marco Sitholi, Chief Analyst at Wits University says.

Scientists in America are desperately trying to figure out a way of communicating with the aliens while a team of anthropologists and psychiatrists have been given the task of putting together a DVD movie we can broadcast to the aliens to make them see that we are not the violent race they believe us to be. Though nobody can predict the outcome of this project, most people are sceptical about any form of success.

A number of marble-related injuries have occurred at schools and homes since marbles were invented. As a result, the design of marbles will now forever change.

Since the mainstreaming of marbles as a toy some two centuries ago, there have been twenty-two injuries and one death caused by these benign-seeming death-traps. At first, these statistics were ignored by manufacturers who claimed that the statistics were simply too low to be classified as significant. However, FAP (For All Parents) started up and international petition that yielded over a million signatures. After taking the petition to the International Court, a ruling was made in FAP’s favour stating the all marbles were to be recalled by their manufacturers.

In response to this, global marble manufacturer Round Phoenix made a proposal to change the design of marbles, making them less hazardous. The new design will be a cube rather than a sphere, making impossible to slip on.

Safety Marbles have been well-received by parents, teachers and by FAP themselves however, children do not seem so happy. ‘How the hell do you roll this shit?’ Johnny (8) asked. ‘I’d rather play with a used condom. My poor kids will grow up never knowing what real marbles are.’ Sarah (12), mother of twins commented. A children’s right organisation known as For Our Kids or FOK for short made this statement, ‘This is an infringement of children’s rights. They have the right to choose what they play with. You don’t see FAP going around schools confiscating knives? No. Why? Because children have the right to defend themselves. Just as they have the right to play with whatever they want. If I confiscated everything harmful from my eight-year old, he would have had a miserable Guy Fawkes because apparently fireworks are considered dangerous too. This is just another classic FAP publicity stunt.’

Regardless of politics and group fighting, the International Court has made its ruling and all spherical marbles have been recalled. They are to be replaced by their safer counterparts by Monday in most major retail stores.