I can’t believe how much Thor has grown.  Well…I can believe it. I just can’t wrap my brain around the fact that he is my son. I carried him for 38 weeks and now he is rolling around on my floor like a goon.  He has a sense of humour. He loves to cuddle.  His eyes get red when he’s tired and needs a nap.  He’s a mommy’s boy.  And I love him more than life itself.

Did I think 3 1/2 years ago that life would be like this? That my child would be playing on my floor and wanting me to snuggle him?  No. I thought it would never happen.  I thought I was doomed to be a slave to the fertility tests and drugs until I finally gave up and realized I would never bear children.

And I nearly threw in that proverbial towel.  That last clomid cycle that I got pregnant with Thor was my last round. I had had enough.  Isn’t amazing how things work out?

"Me & My Daddy...Working Hard at the Computer"

My DH suggested today that I write a book based on my infertility experiences….basically a more detailed version of everything I have written here thus far (plus those relevent events which predate this blog).

He has a point.  I receive a lot of email on a regular basis from people wanting to know more.  And I know I’ve touched people’s lives around the world (from Canada to Australia, South Africa, Slovenia, and more!)

My Question is….should I write the book?  Would anyone be interested?

I’m interested in some honest feedback.

Today I received a wonderful surprise…. beautiful crosshairs.  I’m 3dpo.

Yay me!

Today is the last day of my clomid tablets.  So now…I wait.

Sometimes it’s even more stressful than the 2ww….because if I don’t pay attention, I could miss the big O Day and the whole month will be a waste.

….and so I wait.

Thank you to everyone for your  hopeful, supportive comments.  But, AF arrive this morning and apparently she’s miffed that I actually thought she might not be coming this month.  She seems angry…. giving me horrible cramps too.

I guess I’ll be calling in for my refill of Clomid today, so I can start Round #7 tomorrow.

Yay…. [sarcasm]

Tonight DH & I went to a friend’s place for the weekly poker game.   Except that tonight I had to set across from a very pregnant woman – rubbing her belly lovingly all night long.

Let me be perfectly clear.  There is only ONE pregnant woman that I like.  UNO.  She is wonderful and I couldn’t be more happy for her (yes, that’s you Sam).  Anyone else?  Kindly leave me alone.  I feel as if (fertile) pregnant women everywhere are continually seeking me out… to kill what ever sanity I still had remaining.

I don’t want to see their pregnant bellies.  Or their happy faces.

Yes, I am miserable.  I am a bitter infertile, hear me roar!

Just had my shower… and dry-heaved the entire time.  What. The. Fuck.  I have never in my life threw up (or dry heaved) in the shower.  That is gross.  Good thing I didn’t have anything to eat before going in there…could’ve been hard to explain to DH “Uhhh… sorry hun.  Threw up in the shower.  No time to clean it up – gotta go to work, BYE!”  heehee..I think not…

I went and bought 2 FRER and a Digi test.

I came home and used 1 FRER, 1 Digi, and 1 OPK.

The OPK was the only one with two lines.

Oh well. Maybe I am going to O soon?

I’m still depressed. Now I’m going to spend the day at my in-laws…. that should help….. LMAO

I think I have the flu.

Or… I’m pregnant again.  Ok.  Let me explain.  Here’s a rundown of the events of the last few days:

• AF came… but has only been light (unusual for me), and is almost gone – a record breaking 3 days.
• I nearly barfed up one of my favorite breakfasts two days ago – waffles.  It took every once of will power I had to not do it.  (If I had, it would have ruined waffles for me for ever… you know… coming up doesn’t taste so good as going down.)  Err…sorry.  Moving on.
• I am exhausted.  I’ve been going to bed at an average of 8:00pm. Enough said.
• I cried tonight while watching The Santa Clause 2.  I mean… come on!!

So that, in a nut shell, is what’s going on with me.

And for those of you wondering….I did test.  I did get a very light line.  I mean, microscopic.  And if I *were* pregnant again…I would only be 8dpo… so it’s too early to see a dark line anyways.

*sigh*

First thing’s first…I’d like to send a shout-out to my fellow TTC-ers.

How’s everyone doing? I feel like a total a$$ for not being on here for the last 4 days. I’m usually much better. I’ll try harder this week. Really I will.      

Okay… on to bigger things. Such as, ooooh… my POSITIVE OPK THIS MORNING!!! The clear blue is still saying only “high” – but hey, what does it know anyways, right? Also, all day I had horrible horrible pains in my side. I think I actually felt the moment that my eggie(s) burst from my ovary (it is possible, I’m not just making this stuff up ya know!). Oh, and I’ve had a wicked migraine all day.

So what do I do? I come home and seduce my DH. That’s right, I’m a TTC Warrior. I’m not about to let a blinding migraine and excruciating ovary-pains stop ME from creating my baby!! Uh-uh. No Sir!

So now…. now I’m exhausted. Going to have a giant glass of water and then call it a night. I’m such a wimp. It’s only 9:26pm and already I’m calling ‘er quits. *shrugs* I think I’ve earned it.

I. am. going. crazy.

This morning (CD 13):

• OPK = negative
• CBEFM = “high”
• Temp = up by more than .5

You know what that means?? Emergency BD time. Like…. E-mer-gen-cy!! What if last nights cramping was my silly ovary exploding with my tiny soon-to-be baby egg?? Ack… that makes sense too! Dang! dang! dang!! Okay… I must go wake up DH. I’m sure for this, he will be happy to wake up.

I guess in my situation I would be the guy and DH would be the girl:

I have horrible cramps.

This is yet another side effect of Evil Clomid. My ovary is over-stimulated and feels as though it is possibly the size of a mid-sized grapefruit. And yes… it hurts. A lot.

Tonight, while at a friend’s ‘game night’ I had horrible nauseating cramps. Did I complain? Did I go home ad sulk? No. I stayed and tried to pretend that everything is a-okay. I’m slowly getting the hang of Evil Clomid + Social Life.

Now… now it is 12:11am and I am going to play some more Wii.

DH & I will be going to Jeff & Sam’s house tomorrow. DH to help Jeff with renovations. Me, to hang out with Sam and show her all about American Idol for PS2. (I know… I’m cool. It’s okay to be jealous.)

Well, I took my last 100mg of Clomid for this cycle. Still taking everything else faithfully (vitamin, folic acid, metformin, daily low dose aspirin…)

DH did his 2nd SA on Friday, and my OBGYN emailed me as soon as he had the results. Last month it was at 3 million. 20 million is what they look for. This time? This time is was 130 million. Yeah…. so I guess being sick last time really did affect him. This is one less thing to worry about now.

I began testing with my CBEFM this morning. And I got a ‘high’ reading. Which is totally bogus, because I shouldn’t even be close to ovulating yet. So…I broke out an Ovulation Test Strip and low & behold…. no second line. SURPRISE!! (not…)

So I will continue to use both…and tomorrow morning I will start charting my temps.

This is going to be the month for us. I can feel it.

I don’t really have a lot to say today… I’m PO’d at AF – she finally showed.  But I’m going to have a heart-to-heart with her and let her know that I just don’t want her around here again until sometime late in 2008.  I think we need a break from each other.  I need some space.

I guess on the “bright side,” I can pick up my Rx for Clomid and start it tomorrow.  I wonder, if I’m doubling the dose this time…will my side effects double?

That worries me.  I feel bad because the side effects make me really sick….our friends may began to think that I’m just a bitch who doesn’t want to hang out ever.  Boo…that sucks.

Friends: I still love you all.  But clomid kicks my ass.  Please be patient with me.

Okay… I think I’ve got everything ready for this next cycle:

1. Clomid  (check)
2. Pre-Seed (check)
3. Fertility Monitor (check)
4. OPK strips, because I don’t trust the monitor  (check)
5. DH  (check)
6. Lots of HPT’s to obsessively test all month long  (check)

Okay… I think I’m ready.  Now I just need AF to do her thing so I can get on with my thing.

I hate my life body ovary.  Really, I mean it this time.  I started spotting over at my friend’s house tonight.  Not a lot… but enough to make me mad at AF for showing her stupid, stupid face yet again.  Tomorrow should be CD1…which means Tuesday I will start round #3 with Clomid – 100mg/day.  Yay….. not.  Anyways… DH is in for a heck of a lot of BD’ing this month.  After AF, it’s going to be every other day…no excuses.

Well, here we are.  CD32.  No AF.  No BFP.  Temps are still high, though a bit down from yesterday.

My temp dropped by .4 today.  Looks like the old hag will be coming afterall.

I hate my life.

I’ll be calling my OBGYN to find out the results of my progesterone test this morning…. I’ll be so pissed if he says that they are low…again.

I am beginning to lose all hope.  For me, 2 years is too long.  It’s getting ridiculous.  Is it so much to ask….to have children??  I guess for me it is.

I’m not trying to have a pity party.   Really I’m not.  It’s just that I’m frustrated.  And I’m not excited about the next cycle.  At all.

We’re now starting to talk of IUI, donors, and all that jazz.

ok.

dont. get. excited.

This morning there was a very light second line.

I said dont get excited.

I think it was an evap. The lighting here is too weird and I cant take a decent picture. I’ll try again tomorrow morning. If it’s not an evap, it should be there tomorrow too, right?

Ok… I’m going to be late for work.

Okay… so my temp is Waaaaay up this morning.  And Both of my sides feel like I pulled my muscles at the gym or something (and no.  I did not go to the gym.)  It hurts to even breath.  ouch

argh…. must. go. have. breakfast.

… my temp is back up. So maybe I still have a chance? I’m only at 9dpo now though so I think I should wait till Friday??

Let’s have a vote. Check out my chart and tell me when I should test.

Well I’m depressed. I had really hoped that this would be the month. But….no. Not for me. As you can see here, my temps have taken a dramatic drop, and Aunt Flo is surely on her way. Bitch.

What’s worse is that I was supposed to have my progesterone checked on Friday to see if the Clomid worked….but if AF arrives before then, I’m not sure that it would be very affective. Argh!!

So… I’m pissed today. Don’t really want to go to work. Would rather curl up and go to bed for the rest of the day.

Can’t though… have to get the stupid van fixed. Oh, and I kinda need to go to work ’cause I’m the only one there who knows how to operate the computer. *sigh*

We’re now at 6dpo.  The past couple of days I’ve been feeling a bit ill…but that’s okay because I’m feeling optimistic.  And then tonight I felt a bit of cramping.  I hope you didn’t invite cranky ‘ol Aunt Flo back to visit again.

I had hoped that after last month’s visit, she wouldn’t come back for at least 10 months.  I so hope she stays away.  I’m looking forward to Mr. Stork coming in her place.  It’s not that I’m playing favorites.  I’m merely looking for a change.  And to tell you the truth, Mr. Stork can give me something that Aunt Flo never has.

So, my dear uterus, while you’re making arrangements for this month’s house guest I do hope you  take what I’ve said into consideration.

Take care, and don’t let Aunt Flo bully you into letting her come over.