Que bonita es noruega!! hola gracias buenos tardes amiga mucho mucho

I don’t like LOVE
It takes me up and then it brings me down
It makes me cry and there is some type of pain I feel
I always searched and searched for love and now that I have found it I abuse it
I have always been taught how to show love to a sibling, but not to a friend or a boyfriend
I would always see how love was expressed on TV, but never in my own home
and unconsciously abusing me.

Now that I am older I search low and dig HIGH to find love.
Love-Pain, leaving, Lust, Lies, Desire, money –this is what I seen love to be.
Many say God is love so I look and look to embrace his.

I don’t Love, Love.
Love is bad and it has its ways of controlling many things.
When I was a little girl I would see, what I thought love was and it looked so good, but I always had the what if in the back of my mind.
Love takes you high and then love takes you Low.

I ask, WHAT IS LOVE? GOD!

I am in pain now because what I thought I had with GOD was real and so when I thought that I thought I would be able to Love.

NO…I gave Love to one who didn’t care and gave love to one who wasn’t there

And now that one of GOD’s images is giving LOVE to me…I run and run away…
I don’t want to be vulnerable…
I don’t want you to see I care
I don’t want you to know what I want you here…
All because I am scared you will abuse it
as I was abused before.

I am lost trying to find my way…
I am lost looking for love and while I search

I hurt YOU, YOU and YOU!

I–I just don’t like LOVE

..because I don’t know its real meaning not the one that definition in the dictionary, but the one that Jesus died on the Cross for. That is LOVE and before I give it to you I want to give it to GOD!

I am scared I will not love you and not only you but also the children that I may one day give birth to.
I am scared that I will not trust you, because of LOVE.

I am scared of Love, Life, Happiness, Affection because it just seem so unreal.
So I hurt you so I can make you feel my wanted desire of love.

I shout mean things, I do mean things, I have vindictive ways and I desire mean things because….

I never been taught Love, besides the one I have for my family.

Reality is Its not that I don’t like Love…Reality is I don’t know HOW TO LOVE.
How can one judge something that they have never met.

I gave my heart away several months ago. It was healthy. Still a little shiny and pink around the edges. It was in fairly good condition as it’s been well looked after and nurtured for the eventual day it left me to belong to another.

Usually the outcome of giving your heart away can result in two scenarios.
One- It comes back to you. If your lucky and people are decent, it might come back with a nice note attached. The note may read something along the lines of “Thanks, but no thanks” or “I’m not sure what I would do with it. It’s better to return it to you for a more deserving recipient” If your judgment is completely wack (as in your choice of recipient and the thought they wanted your heart to begin with is completely out), it may just come back. Probably a little bruised from it’s journey and the stress of being in transit, but nothing some deep breaths of oxygen can’t eventually heal.

Of course the outcome one wants when giving away their heart is thus: a grateful recipient who will proudly and carefully receive it. Who will place it in a position of high esteem- say the bedside table- where every morning it’s the first thing they see and every night the last. They will care for it, feeding it love so it grows and blossoms and most likely in return you will receive their heart to be custodian of.

Unfortunately for me, there is always a third, lets face-it, completely shattering outcome. When the recipient has not the decency to return it to you or to take it willingly into their lives to care for it.

The third outcome is this: my heart is currently sitting at the bottom of an old Wholefoods bag placed next to the couch. The bag has a rust-coloured stain from when my hope gave out and my heart started to bleed and whither. As with most things left around the home, the bag has been next to the couch so long, it’s no longer noticed by the recipient, it has essentially blended in with the furniture and been happily forgotten.

Every now and then, my heart will receive a jolt and splutter to life. Usually this is from the bag being knocked by the mop or brushed by a leg stepping by to turn on the lamp. After a few hopeful beats, it once again falls stagnant from lack of care or interest.

I have no way of getting my heart back to try and nurse it from it’s deathly state to some sense of health. Sure there is asking, or in fact demanding, but matters of the heart are not so easily discussed or resolved. In fact if my heart still thinks it has a chance, it won’t give in for anything. It will continue to rot in the corner of the room, with only hope holding it together. It won’t give in, until it’s let free.

And so now I sit, an empty shell with a cavernous weeping hole where my heart was. I have nothing to replace it with and no hope it will survive it’s current hostage existence. And no hope I can survive without it.

Sorry !

And I was never free,

that you made me feel.

As the wind kissed me,

I saw you ,tried to kill !

Can you leave me now?

I need some time.

I wanna see,without you,

I wanna have me,for a while.

You didn’t wanna lose,

I felt that much before.

But in dreams you lie,

so I wanna back my soul,that you wanna store.

You stole my moments.

You were standing there at the door way.

There was weakness in your feet.

You could stand in there,and so stay !

My entity doesn’t permit me,

to fill the distance now.

I can’t feel your emotions !

Can you tell me,how?

]]> http://fightrumors.com/2009/09/09/mma-news-tidbits/ Wed, 09 Sep 2009 13:12:32 +0000 Admin http://fightrumors.com/2009/09/09/mma-news-tidbits/ http://mumfusa.wordpress.com/2009/08/04/too-soon/ Tue, 04 Aug 2009 20:22:56 +0000 mumfusa http://mumfusa.wordpress.com/2009/08/04/too-soon/

2009-06-26 – 12:08 p.m.

posted courtesy of http://www.theadorablestalker.com/

3:00pm THE HEARTBREAKER

I’ve come to discover that men and women have different interpretations of the word ’soon.’ Apparently for men, soon can mean anytime between tomorrow and the end of next fiscal year, while for women, soon is anytime within the next 48 hours. Now it’s been days since I heard “I’ll see you soon,” from the Heartbreaker and I’m still waiting for soon to get here. And he will call. Because the moment I delete him from my contact list he will pick up the phone – extraordinarily late – and right on time.

editor’s note: this seems to be the exact thing that is troubling me. timing. and what is too soon? just right? too late? and how am i supposed to know!? i wear a watch 7 days of the week, but apparently, i can’t tell time.

2009-06-02 – 5:38 p.m.

I know. I sort of can’t believe it myself, but yes, I’m about to write about The Bachelorette because something Jillian said during the most recent episode (aired on 6/1/09) really irked me.

She’s on a date with this guy Sasha, who is great and who Jillian is seemingly really getting along with. It comes up, as is wont to happen, that Sasha has had 3 girlfriends (he’s 27), two of which were in high school. So, he admits that while he thought at the time he was, he probably hasn’t been in love and he certainly hasn’t had his heart stomped all over. He really opens up and goes on to say that sometimes he thinks he has too high expectations, but then reconsiders because he knows he’s a great guy and shouldn’t have to settle. Yes, he has huge ideals, but he knows she’s out there, so he’s not afraid to wait.

Jillian then proceeds to kick him off the show because she doesn’t want to have to fulfill all those expectations. She thinks they’re too high. She thinks it wouldn’t work because he hasn’t had his heart broken. Umm, what? That seems like a bogus reason to kick someone off. No one is saying that a relationship is roses and sunshine all the time, but why would he be a bad boyfriend/husband because he hasn’t had his heart broken? Why must pain and love be intertwined? Why can’t you have one without the other? And who defines heart break anyways? To me, a missed opportunity is a huge disappointment bordering on massively painful. So is having to break up with a guy because you’re finally listening to your gut (your heart and your friends) even though he begs you not to leave. No, this might not be in the same category as dating a guy for 7 years and then learning he cheated on you. Or being left at the altar while your fiance and maid of honor go on your honeymoon. But who’s to judge what’s painful to me? Or why would I be allowed to judge what’s considered heartbreak to you? It’s so subjective…how is that a valid reason not to date someone?

And why does it have to be another person that causes the heart break? Cause I’ve sure done a number on myself without the help of a guy, but does that mean I’m not dateable? I should probably admit that the reason her action got under my skin is because I’m awfully similar to Sasha. I have not had a prolific dating history, but so what? I don’t feel the need to date someone just to “bulk up my resume”, you know? I have a busy life and I aim to keep learning about myself and my surroundings and my hobbies and the world in which I live, all of which should hopefully help me to grow into a more confident and knowledgeable person. Is it really so ugly that I haven’t had my heartbroken? That trumps all other personality traits and quirks? Maybe I’m too optimistic, but isn’t love supposed to (the vast majority of the time, anyways) make you happy and not cause heartache? So because I haven’t been dumped, that means I’m incapable of love? I know I’m no math whiz, but how do you figure?

and don’t be thinking that because i haven’t had my heart broken (in the traditional sense of the word) that it means i’ll be reckless with your heart. simply not true. that’s not how i treat family and/or friends, so i certainly wouldn’t treat a (worthy) man’s heart any less careful than i do my own.

besides, A LOT of what goes into dating someone is timing. You meet at a time when you’re both ready and open to date. You are both attracted to each other. You’re not too busy with work/hobbies/social life (or are willing to be flexible with your schedule). You both live in the same state. Both of you are of legal age. You’re not looking for a rebound. You click with each other. You have matured past the “let’s get drunk and hook up and not call each other” stage. You want more out of a person. You want more out of yourself. So with all of those factors, how the hell is surprising that I’ve only had one “true” boyfriend and a few near misses? There are so many outside forces at work here, not to mention what’s going on in my head and heart, why would you assume that since I haven’t had my heart smashes to smithereens that I’m not worth dating? They’re are so many other reasons it hasn’t happened. Or why would you jump to the conclusion that I’m not ready to put myself out there. Because I am. Damn it. I finally am.

Now, would a funny, genuine, sincere, warm hearted, taller than me, adorable, athletic, slightly nerdy, silly, caring, patient, sarcastic, not too old, not too young guy please come find me?

2009-02-13 – 10:22 a.m.

just when you think you’ve been able to successfully avoid those annoying questions about “your dating/love life”, the question comes from a truly unexpected source.

the background – i used to have my renter’s insurance with metlife (i get a discount through work), but as it turns out, if i go through my auto insurance guy, it’s (a) cheaper and (b) gives me a discount on my car insurance. score! so i’m working with him to get any and all relevant information so that he can cancel my current plan and activate my new one.

after a year of not having my sparkly ring insured, i decided i do want to insure it. so i had written this to bob:

Hi Bob -

I just faxed over a copy of my policy. 6 total pages (I wasn’t sure exactly what you’d need). One other thing though – I want to add a diamond ring to my insurance, but I’m not sure what you need to know. And also, I want to make sure the policy covers ring loss and loss of a diamond…I have an appraisal form I can fax over tomorrow (I don’t have it with me today), will that help?

Thanks.

and this is his response:
Hi,

Yes, a copy of appraisal would be handy. If you got engaged, congrats! If so, are you living together? Your current renter’s just lists your name, so let me know your situation.

Working on quote now.

Thanks,
Bob

granted – this is a very normal question for those working in the insurance field since adding a diamond ring to one’s insurance is usually a result of one becoming engaged. but this is me we’re talking about. not much that i do is normal.

caitlin suggested i write this back:

“Hi Bob, I have come to acquire a diamond ring as a celebration of my Master’s degree and continued single status. Please send quotes and single men my way. Thank you!”

2008-11-06 – 10:55 a.m.

well the lack of response answers it. it usually does, well, in my life.

how come i try and try but get no results? when is it my turn? i’m a good kid. i put love out there. but nothing’s coming back to me. and it’s so hard to continue to be patient because i’m actually putting myself out there now. in more ways than one. but it appears i’m destined to have no lifelong companion unless i carry a pocket mirror around with me.

sorry for the self-pitying nature. it’s raining out. it’s hard to be positive.

2007-06-04 – 9:27 a.m.

vocabulary 101.

unrequited (technical definition) – un·re·quit·ed; /ˌʌnrɪˈkwaɪtɪd/; adjective
1. not returned or reciprocated: unrequited love.
2. not avenged or retaliated: an unrequited wrong.
3. not repaid or satisfied.

unrequited (my definition) -
1. means one sided.
2. means no love in return.
3. means me.

2006-10-11 – 9:05 a.m.

i definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. i’m in a terrible mood and it’s getting worse by the second.

a friend just emailed me to tell me that she has to stand me up on 10/24 because her BF is reading from his paper that night. “he’s been having a rough time with school and so is excited about this paper and i want to be there for him.” fine. you should be. don’t let me stand in the way – though we have had these plans scheduled for at least two weeks – i understand the BF comes first.

which is my problem. when do i get to be someone’s number one priority? i’m tired of taking second, third, last place in my family, at work, and with friends. it’s annoying and i know i should be my own number one priority, but it’s frustrating when nothing seems to be moving smoothly right now. not school and certainly not work.

grrr. today is definitely not my favorite day this week.

2006-04-20 – 2:54 p.m.

so i just went down to city sports to purchase some much needed flops and a boston red sox cap.

as i was checking out, i mentioned that i worked in the building (cause i get a 10% discount) and i showed my building pass. he saw the dolphin on it, and asked “what, do you make dolphin food?”

i laughed and said, “no. children’s books.”

anyways, it was a silly question, but even sillier because while the guy was not cute at all, i realized just how much i miss flirting. damn, i need to go on a date.

2006-02-14 – 9:08 a.m.

so i was prepared to have today be just another tuesday. i was fine with that. if anything, i’d just be nice to everyone today (including myself) and not worry about all those stupid couples. (read – valentine’s day)

then on the T this morning, i’m just standing there, minding my own business, when a guy getting off the train slams his backpack into me in his hurry to get off the train. first off, why the rush? it’s a tuesday, your work will still be there when you get there. second of all, excuse you. i was literally knocked off balance and rammed into the pole with enough force to ellicit an “oof”. third of all, now everyone is staring at me, which i HATE.

then i’m getting ready to depart at the next stop, when this guy makes a wiseass comment “oh, EVERYONE gets off here. EVERYONE.” as if he’s cool for not getting off there? what’s the purpose of that statement, captain obvious? are you better because you’re on the train longer? thanks for taking a second away from straddling your girlfriend to look up and make that brilliant statement.

it wasn’t until my ipod turned to “move, bitch” by ludacris that a smile was on my face. and then when i went to get my coffee, michael buble’s “home” came on. two very different songs, but i love ‘em both. hey, i gotta feel some sort of love today, no?

p.s. why does everything seem so dramatic today because it’s V-day? why can’t it just be a normal day? stupid american consumers.

now i just have to work on being in a better mood!

2005-10-20 – 9:31 a.m.

words of advice from my coworker that are so brilliant, i had to share.

“think of it this way — if we had a spark with everyone we dated how would we ever weed anyone out? sparkless dates just speed up the elimination process so we can move on to new people and don’t waste long periods of time on the wrong people. its a good thing.”

now the only question is, how to break the “sparkless” dating pattern? but first, how to break the news to the boy that i’m feeling sparkless, even though he is not.

2005-06-23 – 3:14 p.m.

first thing. niki was going to get a cat and name it buttercup and call it “b-cup” for short. she has since decided that her apartment is too small for another cat.

i’m thinking of getting a cat and naming it b-cup for short. naw, not really, but with a name like that, that’s the closest i’ve ever come to wanting an animal to name.

second thing. the green line was very crowded this morning and the woman next to me was standing inappropriately close to the pole, so that no one else around her could get to the pole. bitch. anyways, since i had to hold on or go flying through the train, i had to reach over her should to reach the pole. she was doing the crossword puzzle and in my reaching, i was in a position to read over her shoulder. something i HATE when people do to me, but since she was doing something rude (i.e. not making it easy for anyone else to hold the pole) i figured i’d do something rude back.

well of course it backfired. well i use the term loosely. the first answer for the down column was “abby” as in an advice columnist. the second down answer was “solo” as in concert performance and the third down answer was “stag” as in antler holder.

well abby is obvious. solo is also obvious, as that is what i am. and stag, well that generally means you are going solo to a dance. WHAT THE HELL. even the metro newspaper is forecasting that i’m going to be alone for the rest of my life.

i couldn’t bear to look at any of the other answers.

2005-06-23 – 8:48 a.m.

so many things to write about. and i’m going to write about them all because it’s been a long time since i’ve written. although i am the only one who reads this.

(1) so i was at the guster/boston pops concert last night – fyi the boston pops are like the boston symphony orchestra but with a sassy name. and if you don’t know guster, well then i’m ashamed of you. sooooo, that’s not the point of the story. the pops were doing their classical music thing and then they brought out a solo pianist for a piece. his name was michael chertock.

and it was this fancy new thing because while he was playing on a yamaha piano, it was a “hyper piano” as it was wired with a computer inside. i, unfortunately, was on the “wrong” side of the piano so i couldn’t actually see the keys (bummer) and so don’t quite understand how the computer replayed the keys that michael had just played? too 21st century for me. it sounded really amazing though and i do love a good piano player.

oh and the other cool part was that this guy marc downie was in charge of the interactive images. that part was pretty sweet/really weird because the images were highly unusual. some parts were better than others – but generally it was just a bunch of lines in varying degrees of color and positions.

nancy again was the one who hooked me up with the tickets and i couldn’t have had a more enjoyable night.

(2) speaking of tickets and enjoyable nights, erin just asked me to take the 4th ticket to the yankees/red sox game on july 14. who’s excited? oh me. me. me. me. the biggest rivalry in baseball and i get to go. with a ticket i bought for face value. and a british boy will be there. bloody hell!

(3) speaking of boys, my love life sucks. i have to live vicariously through jennyo and she’s not even following procedure, so imagine how hard it is to vicariously live…

(4) here’s a joke to liven up the day.

Not a real joke, but very amusing just the same. . . read on.
Please note the Typo at the end… I wouldn’t like to have sent this
memo out, but I’m glad my friend Laurie was included in the original Mailing…
To: All Corporate Employees
Subject: Copier!
Date: Thursday, November 6, 1997 12:48PM
PLEASE PLEASE please please please — I am begging here — keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier.
Especially the document handler which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.

Thanks for your help.
(5) haha. i still laugh at that typo. ok my work here is done.

2005-04-29 – 12:47 p.m.

i fear my last words will be quite similar to this.

“an elderly woman died last month. having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. in her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “they wouldn’t take me out while i was alive, i don’t want them to take me out when i’m dead.”

2005-02-14 – 10:10 a.m.

happy monday to you all! my valentine’s day started out very typically for me. the red line was a MESS due to an earlier disabled train. i waited (in a mass of people) while 4 trains passed me by letting off 4 people so that only 4 people could get on. it sucked at life. but i finally got on one and no one on the train was feeling any love, just crankiness.

then at park street, i ran into joan. she asked of my v-day plans. i told her i was going to the gym, per usual.

so another year passes with me being valentine-less. oh no, wait. my mom is my valentine. yay!

2005-01-09 – 5:00 p.m.

it really sucks when what you want is NOT what you need.

i’m sorry for causing h.w. any pain.

2004-06-16 – 10:54 a.m.

pourquoi est-elle cette ma vie ? je suis si fatigué d’être seul. d’elle étant juste moi, moi-même et I. quand finit-elle ? pourquoi amour juste de can’t i moi-même. la solitude est palpable. parce que c’est ma vie. parce que la vraie vie n’égale pas le bonheur de conte de fées. parce qu’il n’y a aucune fin heureuse ici.