Sun always shines down on me. Life is beautiful.

A hater is someone who is jealous and envious and spends all their time trying to make you look small so they can look tall.

Currently, I am watching the movie Julie & Julia. A very good movie so far. Very funny actually. It reminded me that I hadn’t been writing in my blog for quite sometime now. I figured the day has come to let everyone know where I am with my writing.

So I have finally been able to get back into my writing. I finished my first semester of college and I feel like I’ve learned quite a bit. I guess I wasted a few months of my life. I’ve already incorporated some of what I’ve learned and I can’t ever say I regret the time I spent in school.

I’ve gotten somewhere for once and needed the rejuvenation. Although I thought I was doing so well, I don’t feel the support I once had. I guess I’ve been stretching it out too much and writing more about the book than the actual book itself. I love trying to get all the information I can about the novel. I’m starting to get the feel for my characters and where I want them to go and how they get there. I guess I just need to suck it up right? I just need to get to the meat of the novel and write. I fear the worse, I fear losing the drive to write this novel that is slowly turning into a series!

It’s ok. Off to write again, if I can keep my eyes straight.

Rice Cake and Peanuts

I’d like to say right now that I’ve passed a milestone.  Just a few minutes ago, I had the first female in my life ever to tell me to put the toilet seat down.  Aside from the slight embarrassment (and huge flush of relief that came to realize that she saw it up before her mom did), I felt a sense of… becoming- not quite pride, but accomplishment; the feeling of passing on into being not just a boy, but maybe even a man.

My 21st birthday is in 3 days.

I’ve been thinking about it for about 5 months now, and I’ve finally decided that I am, in contradiction of everything I’ve said before, going to cut my hair.  Yes, I’ve said before that I don’t:

1)  go around wearing what I wear or looking what I look like just to make things easier for everyone else.  I do this for ME.
2)  follow gender stereotypes, because if I think that’s what makes me a man, then I might as well just pack up and go home.
3)  want to go through transition for the sake of being a man, I do it for the sake of being MYSELF.

I still hold to those standards, but the funny thing is, I feel like a completely different person today than I did five months ago.  I feel that short hair would suit me better as I am, that I’m really not trying to live up to that scruffy biker/metalhead image anymore, that I want a softer, shaggy, more boyish cute faggy look as I settle into my male self.  (Plus Hilary Swank looked awfully cute in short hair in Boys Don’t Cry.)  In fact, I could go on listing a thousand reasons I’ve changed my mind- it doesn’t matter.  I will never abandon my resolution to be myself, and if I tried to hold to an image that I was before but not now, just to prove something to anyone else, then I’ve lost sight of that.

This cutting of my hair will also mark the passing of another landmark, no matter how I try to downplay it.  I’ve had long hair for my entire life, as long as I can remember, and losing it will almost be a point of no return.  I may grow my hair long again, in the future when my features have masculinized again, but for now, this is my aggressive visual act of manhood to those around me.  It says, “this isn’t just something I’m saying, or a phase.  I’m serious about this.”  If nothing else, I hope that it will be a constant reminder of what pronoun to use.

So, I’ve decided that, the night before I get it done, I’m going to make almost a ceremonial gesture, an act of severance to the female life behind me.  My friends and I are going to go out for a night on the town, and I’m going in full drag as a female.  There will be nothing questionable about it- I’ll be gussied up in every way possible, from corset to makeup and hairdo, head to toe.  It will be very symbolic as the last time I ever don the female garb, and at the end of the night I’ll remove every piece and say goodbye to the life behind me.

I’m calling it my Severance Ball: my rite of passage from a female body into a male one, and I feel that at the end of that night, I will have no regrets and will never look back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0RlIIn1cB0

Why Hypnosis Can Change Your Life For The Better
Believe the hype or think for yourself
For too long hypnosis has had ‘difficult’ press. If a person doesn’t understand something they have 3 options open to them.
1) They might be sceptical and therefore save the trouble of looking further and possibly benefiting. 2) They may conclude it is dangerous and to be avoided at all costs. 3) They may spend time discovering the truth behind the hype.
If you don’t know much about a topic it’s easy to be suspicious. Some people assume hypnosis is akin to a carnival side show, others consider it mystic mumbo jumbo or ‘mind control.’ For those who look beyond the hype the truth is far more illuminating.
The most powerful tool you possess
There are potentially huge benefits for those who use hypnosis as part of everyday life. When you understand hypnosis you start to see its potential to improve human performance in the physical, emotional and intellectual realms. For me, rumour, gossip and suspicion weren’t good enough.
I determined to learn all I could about hypnosis – I learned every fact and practised every technique under the sun. I took several training courses – some good, some terrible. I invested thousands of hours of devoted study to hypnosis and discovered just what is possible. I hypnotised friends, neighbours and work colleagues. Hypnosis greatly changed things for me on a personal level
How hypnosis helped me
I used to be shy. Thanks to hypnosis I can now talk to thousands at a time and can approach anybody calmly and confidently.
I used to have poor concentration and procrastinate; thanks to hypnosis I can instantly motivate myself.
I used to find physical work outs and exercise exhausting but because of hypnosis I am now in the best shape of my life.
Incidentally I also stopped myself blushing with hypnosis. Now if ever I have a difficult call or conversation coming up, something I may naturally feel reluctant to do (you know the kind of thing) I spontaneously self hypnotise and rehearse the upcoming situation feeling good, with myself remaining calm. In this way I habitually set my own emotional ‘blue prints’ for up coming situations. Having said that it’s naturally that some people have concerns or half digested ‘hand me down’ ideas regarding hypnosis. A common one is the one about ‘mind control.’ However what does this really mean?
Why you are more in control of yourself in hypnosis
If someone expresses concerns about being ‘controlled’ in hypnosis what they mean is they don’t want to be like a robot, an automaton that is forced to obey the every whim of the hypnotist. We can’t help but influence others but we don’t control them. To understand why you need to understand hypnosis better.
So what is hypnosis like?
Hypnosis isn’t like a coma. It’s not unconsciousness – more a subtle shifting of consciousness. In hypnosis, you can still think logically but you also have access to the ’software’ of your mind so that you can update instinctive emotional and physical responses. In fact the hypnotised subject (not the hypnotist) calls the shots. When I hypnotise someone I need to go at their speed and respond to their needs and expectations. Hypnosis will give you more control in your own life because of what it enables you to do.
How can I be so sure?
Because over the decades I’ve seen all kinds of people, all ages and from all backgrounds turn their lives around thanks to hypnosis. When you use hypnosis for yourself it improves confidence in all kinds of ways. When you use it to change other’s lives it just blows you away. This is what I mean.
When I first hypnotised someone to feel no sensation in a painful arthritic arm it was an incredible feeling. When I first cured life long phobias quickly and comfortably I was astounded. When I stopped hardened alcoholics from drinking and even got a heroin addict off the stuff and back into mainstream life again I started to feel angry that people could just associate hypnosis with entertainment.
With the aid of hypnosis I (and many people I have trained and worked with) have helped severely depressed people feel strong and positive again. The rewards and satisfactions are hard to describe. I’m going to take a stand against ignorance and short sightedness around hypnosis and here’s why.
Why you need to reclaim hypnosis for yourself
Hypnosis is your birthright. It’s nature’s optimum learning tool. In fact to learn and perform anything well you need to experience a natural focussing of attention, a natural kind of hypnosis. To be successful hypnosis needs to be your companion and friend.
Successful people use it naturally all the time because hypnosis is natural. It’s the way we learn new responses. Unlike medications its side effects are purely positive – one expectant mother I worked with to feel relaxed during child birth later reported that she was also more relaxed when flying!
Hypnosis is easy to learn and every body can benefit. Hypnosis is a safe environment to ‘try out’ new behaviours and emotional patterns before you experience them for real. So the young man can ask a woman out for a date many times in calm relaxed hypnosis so that by the time he does it for real it feels real and natural and relaxed. Sports people who use hypnosis learn new quicker and more accurately. So hypnosis gives you more control of yourself and your life, it’s natural and gives you instant benefits and it’s a way of ‘trying on’ and establishing new patterns of emotional response and behaviour, Hypnosis enables you to develop yourself as a human being.
HypnosisDownloads.com offer a free course called ‘Learn Hypnosis in 5 Days’.
Article by Mark Tyrrell of Hypnosis Downloads.com.
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A strange month. Worst weekend ever. Well, a bad one.

Broken hearts, hours of consoling and pulling a suicidal girl off the road nearly getting killed myself. Absolute trauma. Accusations, inclinations. Hurting others, being hurt by others. Breakups, break-downs.

Too much alcohol. Being someone I am ashamed of. Life is a roller-coaster, everything cracked on the way down this time. I was doing so well – I shouldn’t have let it happen but well, I did and I fell.

I am strong, I am dedicated. I will fix me. You are strong. I have faith in you, you and you.

Apparently time heals all. Well let me tell you – that is bullshit.

Time helps with healing, especially with what doesn’t seem so trivial but in reality will later be laughed about. It helps to heal a lot. We all hurt, but time is all we’ve got.

No judgment, no justifications, no excuses, no regrets – only lessons. Lessons.

but in this moment, nothing seems to work..

I got to reminiscing last weekend. A friend and I were having drinks and watching music videos. Somewhere amid drinking and singing for one reason or another we begun to talk about my past life. Love life to be exact. And to be specific my love life in Wales. I had 2 major things while I was there. This is the story about the first one.

The first time I met English was at a cafe I worked a couple of months after I’d arrived. He was a regular there. We chatted regularly and eventually became friends. Around Christmastime I had developed a crush for him, but it was after christmas we started to hang out together. We went clubbing and bar hopping and shopping and for coffee. He quickly became my best friend as well as a love interest. I thought we had a really good thing going and that he was interested in me as well. Why else would we hang out together all the time. We were a gang of four. Me, him and two other guys, one of which had a crush on me.. We partied hard especially on Wednesdays and Saturdays. £1 drinks at Reflex and after that £1 drinks at Liquid. It was really fun and we were all over each other like schoolkids. If he was away for a week I missed him and didn’t know what to do. When I was back home visiting, I couldn’t wait to go back to see him. In London I sat with my luggage on Victoria street station for 2 hours talking and texting to him while waiting for my bus to leave to Cardiff.  We saw the latest films, we celebrated birthdays, watched football and played snooker. We even had sleepovers.

Eventually one thing lead to another. After one hazy but memorable night in a club we took a cab and headed to his place and slept together. The next morning was awkward but I was over the moon. My excitement was short-lived. The next week we met up for a coffee and he told me that the night we spent together was a mistake. I was crushed. I put on a brave face. I was used to this. Being heartbroken. After he told me, I was due to go to work and off we went, together. And boy was I mad. He was having fun with the mates. I think it was bingo-night. I worked and pretty much ignored him. I stayed mad for a couple of days and then cooled off. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t fancy me, but I was upset he suddenly wanted to define our relationship as things had been going well up to that point. And so they continued for a while. At least on the surface. On the inside I began crumbling down. I didn’t live in the city centre, so I started walking from home to the centre. I listened to Garbages ‘Cup of coffee’ repeatedly. The song was like written about my life. That was the final push towards my depression.

I was in denial for sometime and made myself believe that he just needed time to digest all of this. But no, another blow came a couple of weeks after our night of passion. We were at another bar with a bunch of people.Who all knew how I felt about English. I was minding the drinks and glanced to the bar where English and Bitch were getting drinks. And I saw them kissing. I poured down my drink and ran out in order to make it to the bus. I made it and unfortunately I had chosen a bus which lead straight to English’s house and they jumped on board as well. I was gutted and hurt and really upset. How could he fancy her??? She was at least 10 years older than I was? And I was still in my early twenties. I was a foreigner, who wouldn’t want to get with that? I did find out later that they hadn’t slept together since they didn’t have any condoms. Thankfully the ones we used were mine so I, as  a wise girl, took them with me.

After all this went down I still couldn’t let go. Even though I wanted to, I couldn’t let go. Somehow we overcame all that had gone down. I still hung on to hope that one day we’d be more than friends. There were a couple of kissing incidents, but he always put a stop to it. I managed to find new friends to hang out with, so he wasn’t my only social life. But he always remained a big part of my life, my best friend. Up until I left he was always my ‘what if’-guy. And I’m quite positive that if I was still living in Wales he’d still be my ‘what if’-guy. He was such a wonderful person, as a friend, I could always count on him.

Last weekend, we were listening to Robbie Williams, and  I wanted to listen to the song ‘No regrets’. It reminds me of English more than anything. (Well maybe JT’s ‘Like I love you’ is a close call). In a masochistic way it reminds me of all the heartache I put myself through because of him, but it just also makes me remember all the best times we had together. <3

There is so many things I wanna say or tell you. But you will say I bo liao.

I simply don’t understand you.

我想要說…….I really miss you

我想要說…….I really want you to be happie

我想要說…….I have tried my best

我想要說…….I have always put your interest first

我想要說…….I really want to take care of you for the rest of my life

我想要說…….I will do anything for you

我想要說…….I can give up anything and everything for you

我想要說…….I dont want to lose you

我想要說…….I want you

我想要說…….I want your love

我想要說…….

如果没有了你
我该如何往下走
那一秒钟
有没有发现我倔强里的问候
怎么劝我放手
在这一切之后
整夜的风
冷得我手颤抖
你在温暖的那头
熟悉路口
再一次的路过
等在那角落的人已不是我
默写你的爱过
坦承自己脆弱
对白怎么说
表情才不难过
在这一切

我想要說…….I LOVE YOU

Budaoweng is dying: 4 days left.

下雨天了怎么办
我好想你
不敢打给你
我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景
做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞
一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

其实没有我你分不清那些
彻别接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

期待让人越来越疲惫
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞
一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

其实没有我你分不清那些
彻别接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

怎样的雨怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大天要多黑
才能够有你的体贴

其实没有我你分不清那些
彻别接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

Its been raining very regularly recently. And it don’t seems to stop as to me it meant to kill me.

In this kind of weather, I miss you even more. many times I wanna pick up the phone and call you or sms you. But what can I say or what should i say? What will your reaction be? will you answer? Will you response? Will you reciprocate?

怎样的我能让你更想念

The day is drawing nearer and I can sense that you don’t even have a single clue about it.

Hide away from you is xin ku for me. Open up to you this is the result I get. It seems that I am fated to fight this alone, all by myself. I know you do not know what to do but hey so am I! I guess I can only learn to fight this and get over it.

You know, it’s not easy and never will be easy to forget you let alone letting you go.

ITS GONNA BE A LONG LONG PAINFUL JOURNEY FOR ME.

However

I have no regrets.

I LOVE YOU.

Budaoweng is dying: 7 days left.

I, as your assistant editor of Lady Business, am not exactly known for my class. I have drank wine straight from the bottle, I have cussed during a job interview (this clothing retailer was desperate because I still got the fucking job), and I post horrible pictures on other social networking sites just to get a rise out of people. Luckily for me, there are worse people in the world, so bad that I wouldn’t be heartbroken if they were mauled by a mountain lion. I am of course talking about Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.

so...very...violent....looking....at....this

Somehow these idiots have gotten a book deal with a major publishing house, and have subsequently wrote the book “How To Get Famous”. It’s unfair that I know 13 year olds with more creativity and drive than these fuckers. The state of our society, along with the brain cells that will gas themselves after reading the book, are in peril. THEY WROTE A FUCKING BOOK. Our headitor’s reaction to this? “Can they even fucking read?”.
Now, it’s going to be marketed as a satire, if the cover is any indication. It looks like a mock up of an US weekly cover, which could cause legal issues. Only if they don’t do a gazillion interviews with them, so you have been warned. I am not saying that they don’t know how to be famous, but they have become famous with no actual contributions to society. We are rewarding people who are getting rich for being assholes. But this doesn’t mean you should read this. Fug Girls so cleverly said, “It’s impossible to judge How to Be Famous the way you would a real book, because it isn’t one beyond the fact that it uses words on paper and is portable.” From other reviews, it appears that the wonder twins don’t believe that they have made any mistakes or errors in judgment. This level of narcissism makes me want to get violent again, but luckily I’ve had my coffee so that won’t happen. Which makes it even worse is that they give no credit to Lauren Conrad, who although is also on my shitlist, was the famous one on that LA stereotype show when it started.
Not to say that there isn’t some level of self awareness, these two aren’t complete Zoolander like characters. Pratt apparently admits that he has a very punchable face, which is an understatement, his face could cause me to attack like an opossum. Of course, this won’t happen, as I avoid Beverly Hills at all costs. But there is more to this book, it’s a prime example of how money and fame can’t take away passive aggressive tendencies. From charming anecdotes about Conrad, to allegedly a chapter dedicated to trashing another girl, Kristin Cavallari, and to giving unsolicited advice to Audrina Patridge, they don’t hold back behind their back.
All I can say is I’m going to my safe place with my Ria Grande and Fat Tire, and will not buy this book even if I was dared. I have enough to be ashamed about, like knowing who all these girls are.

En este episodio salen temas de grupos que han sacado álbumes este año. Ya que llegamos al fin de año quiero repasar álbumes, o artistas que en muchos casos no he puesto en otros episodios. Como los siguientes:

Heaven & Hell
Slayer
Chimaira
The Haunted
Kreator
Static-X
Mudvayne
Fear Factory
Dope
Sister Sin
Lacuna Coil
Marilyn Manson
Rob Zombie
God Forbid

También se habla sobre lo siguiente:
The Devil You Know, World Painted Blood, Megadeth, Tom Araya, Rob Arnold, The Elite, The Infection, Versus, Thrash, Cult Of Static, Tony Campos, Prong, Wayne Static, Dave Mustaine, The New Game, Arkaea, Mechanize, Zakk Wylde, Ozzy Osbourne, No Regrets, Motorhead, Switchblade Serinade, I Like It, Lamb Of God, Shadow Life, The High End Of The Low, Kobetasonik, Kerry King, Fox News, Halloween, George Bush, Doc Coyle, Earthblood

El podcast se puede descargar en formato que prefiere desde aquí:

O escucha online aquí:

OMG! I have been inked and it’s all because I started writing. I orginally planned on getting a tattoo the minute I hooked up with an agent but that’s taking too dang long so I just went and did it. Actually it was a bit of a surprise because I was only going to talk to the tattoo artist today.  It was probably a good thing that they made me do it today. I may have chickened out if I had time to think about it. I mean it is permanent.

The reason I first started writing was because I didn’t want to live with any more regrets. I wanted to get the stories out of my head and onto a piece of paper or computer as is my case. I needed to try! The next step was to actually finish the story which I did. It was a huge step in my life to finish something this big. After the first story was completed I kept writing. There was more to this story than just one book. During the writing of the second book I started doing research on how to go about getting published. There was tons of rules and regulations, but I gave it a shot.  Although I wasn’t initially successful I did receive some encouraging feedback from several of the agents. I went back and re-evaluated my story and after some fricking harsh words from some asshat at a writer’s conference I rewrote the story and upped it to adult. Now I’m getting ready to do the final edit and send the whole manuscript to a publisher bypassing the agents.  {Crosses fingers, toes, legs and braids hair}

So during all the no’s and everything else I kept telling myself No Regrets…you are trying and now I have that sentiment permanently written on my back…Je ne regrette rien…

我的眼光该去向何方
失去你的日子渺渺茫茫

我可以假装微笑假装无伤

你还想我吗
像我现在想你一样

有没有一个充分的理由
让我忘你不会牵强

叫我不想你也难

为何无法对你从此遗忘

叫我不爱你也难
你是我的最爱
叫我不爱你也难

放开你的手才了解什么叫迷茫

Days without you am so lost and helpless. I smile to cover up my sorrow and pretend that I wasnt hurt. I put on a brave front and fight the world by myself.

Do you  think of me like I am thinking of you now?

I just couldn’t forget you because till this day you are still my only love.

Only after I let go of you then I understand what is the real meaning of confused.

Budaoweng is dying: 14 days left.

…is an illusion.

as is being able to manage life.

we are never truly in control…we only think we are. and if what we thought were always true…then I think I am a rich happy person without a worry… but… oh look, i’m not…

so stop worrying about being “in control” or “managing your life” or “planning ahead” or “for the future”… you can plan all you want… but when does life ever play fair?

just remember…

“Life’s a Bitch…because if it were easy, it’d be a slut.”

Carpe Diem. No Regrets. Live. Laugh. Love.

Shit Happens… it’s what you do afterwards that matters most.

…lata days

I love you Michael, Always and Forever!

So, I watched the movie: This Is It. All I can say is that it was pure brilliance and genius and would have held its place in history for what it could have been. In fact what it was and what Micheal Jackson has always been. Most importantly what he would have given to the world if this tour would have realized.  In essence, they were rehearsal performances yet still breathtaking.  MJ in his age, still knew every move to every beat and perfected his craft.

This behind the scene look at how thought out and how much attention to detail entails when it came to his shows. He was extremely hands on and he hand-picked extreme talent to play and perform his songs and dances just EXACTLY like his records. He truly was a perfectionist and you can see his King of Pop persona yet the kindness of the man he was.

The dance sequences were spectacular and each song was perfect.  The short films that were included as intros for each song were amazing. The wardrobe would have been out of this world. There was so much trailblazing and never before seen technology that MJ would have brought to the stage.

I’m truly happy that this film was documented not only for his fans but for generations to come. To see that some people have a destiny and are here and meant to do what they do. MJ was one of these people. They say that every 100 years a genius like him comes along. Just saddens me that he was taken too soon.

So, I left theatre a bit shocked that I didn’t shed more tears than I did. I left entertained and in pure awe of a master of his craft.  The only disappointment was that he wasn’t able to really perform his last curtain call. I even recall telling my sister after having seen the press conference of  This Is It and hearing the announcement of his London shows, that after the 50 it might have gone to worldwide tour. I told her I would have paid ANYTHING to see him.

And I would have.

Michael couldn’t have said it any better than he did in this film. Love lives forever.

Even if he’s gone, he left his impact in my life. He left his message in his songs and he did it with Love.

L O V E.

Gone but forever in my heart.

NPC

P.S.- I made it onto the This Is It banner along with Gabs, not once but TWICE. I’m super geeked about that!

http://www.ThisIsIt-Fans.com?fanId=43527&language=en

Here’s one hit.

黑暗中静静搂紧自己
孤单有谁明白
难过懒得再去管
泪要不要流下来
我也只好默默啃蚀寂寞
留着痛灌溉

Miss you day and night and even when I am with you

This love  to you is unconditional, trust me.

I just hope you be happie always even when i am not around.

 We had cleared several mis understanding and I really hope we can continue being so understanding and feel for one another more than last time. To you I may have not done a good job last time but to me, I did just that the methods were wrong and expectations were different. Our relationship is very new to you and you might not know how to handle . I know you didn’t give up cos you know I was real and truthful and very serious about us.  In fact I do not know how to handle too.

Now that you are in a relationship you have to put in more time and effort and its difficult to juggle your time, I promise I will not complain!! I am ok. Cos this relationship I believe is getting stronger.  I just feel  that now we have somehow have a better understanding le so I believe things won’t be so complicated. Though I said all this but hey somewhat I feel that we gone through so much but now I have to be even more understanding and accommodating  cos your time with me will be very little and I don’t think you have the heart and time to have a good Herat talk with me. That I will use time to make myself accept it. In fact, I believe its only right to share most important thing with your girlfriend.

I know you need alot of love and the kind of love i give might not be the one you need. But you can feel it I am sure.

I am lucky in the sense that I know quite a fair bit on things about you and glad that you shared it with me. please do not stop as you did stop for many times le. In fact most of the things  I actually heard from people around you.

I am not jealous, I am happie you are in a relationship that you found someone whom you can love back. However, somehow or other I feel lost. This is so cos I know you won’t have time for me le.

I do not know how long we gonna last, I just hope it won’t end. At least not so soon or even if we have to end it, it should be a peaceful one without grudges and hatred but with good fond memories.

Just want to assure you, rain or shine, I am always here for you, didi.

Season change people change, I won’t change. You know that.

Budaoweng is dying: 24 days left.

It’s really amazing my roommate allows me to room with her.

We don’t usually think of Joshua as a prophet.  We tend to remember Joshua as assistant to Moses in his earlier years.  We remember Joshua as one of the spies sent into Canaan to scout out the land of promise. We think of him as Moses’ successor… as a leader, a warrior…as a faithful servant of God.  But today as I read the opening to this twenty-fourth chapter of the book bearing his name, I see Joshua in a new role.  Today I see Joshua as God’s prophet, as God’s mouthpiece: “This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says…” (Joshua 24:2)  I don’t know how I could have missed this before.  Review the book of Joshua and see that throughout its entirety, there is record of the LORD speaking to Joshua, and Joshua relaying God’s message to his people.  As Moses’ successor, Joshua had big shoes to fill.  God validates Joshua’s leadership and calls him to the task of leading Jacob’s descendants into the Promised Land. God says, “Moses my servant is dead. Therefore, the time has come for you to lead these people, the Israelites, across the Jordan River into the land I am giving them… For I will be with you as I was with Moses.  I will not fail you or abandon you.” (Joshua 1:2, 5b)

From the beginning of his tenure as Israel’s leader, God encourages the son of Nun to “be strong and courageous for you are the one who will lead these people to possess all the land I swore to their ancestors I would give them.” (Joshua 1:6)  Joshua resolves in his heart to be faithful to his God.  He leads God’s people into the land, and drives out enemy nations as he had been instructed.  Time is of essence, and as the clock of his time on earth is ticking, Joshua realizes that he will not be able to oversee the conquest of all of the land. (see Joshua 13:1) Before his death, Moses had meticulously assigned land to each of Israel’s twelve tribes (descendants of the twelve sons of Jacob). In obedience to God and in honor of the incredible leadership of his mentor, Moses, Joshua does his best to ensure that the remaining unconquered territory be divided into allotments of land according to Moses’ instructions.  By the close of his life, Joshua has certainly paid his dues like his predecessor.  In my opinion, Joshua has earned the right for us to listen closely to what he has to say… to what God has to say. 

“This is what the LORD, the God of Israel, says: Long ago your ancestors, including Terah, the father of Abraham and Nahor, lived beyond the Euphrates River, and they worshiped other gods.  But I took your ancestor Abraham from the land beyond the Euphrates and led him into the land of Canaan.  I gave him many descendants through his son Isaac.  To Isaac I gave Jacob and Esau.  To Esau I gave the mountains of Seir, while Jacob and his children went down into Egypt.  Then I sent Moses and Aaron, and I brought terrible plagues on Egypt; and afterward I brought you out as a free people.” (Joshua 24:1-5)  Joshua outlines the history of this nation that stands before him.  He reminds them that from their inception, God has initiated this relationship.  God has been behind every act of deliverance and provision.  “I took… I gave…I sent… I brought.”  God took Abraham out of the polytheistic fabric of the ancient Mesopotamians.  God gave Abraham many descendants through Isaac and his son Jacob.  God sent Jacob and his children down into Egypt.  And God brought them out of Egypt as free people.

Joshua continues his discourse by reminding the people of God’s protection.  God, their King, has brought down the proud Egyptians, defeated the Amorites, given victory, given them land, and turned curses into blessing.  “It was not your swords or bows that brought you victory.  I gave you land you had not worked on, and I gave you towns you did not build—the towns where you are now living.  I gave you vineyards and olive groves for food, though you did not plant them.”  (Joshua 24:12b-13)  At critical junctures, before moving ahead, it is important to stop and recall God’s faithfulness and remember God’s promises to us.  This is exactly what Joshua did.  Backing up to chapter twenty-three we read these words: “Joshua, who was now very old, called together all the elders, leaders, judges, and officers of Israel.  He said to them, ‘I am now a very old man.  You have seen everything the LORD your God has done for you during my lifetime.  The LORD your God has fought for you against your enemies.  I have allotted to you as your homeland all the land of the nations yet unconquered, as well as the land of those we have already conquered—from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea in the west.  This land will be yours, for the LORD your God will himself drive out all the people living there now.  You will take possession of their land, just as the LORD your God promised you.  So be careful to follow everything Moses wrote in the Book of Instructions.  Do not deviate from it, turning either to the right or to the left.  Make sure you do not associate with the other people still remaining in the land.  Do not even mention the names of their gods, much less swear by them or serve them or worship them.  Rather, cling tightly to the LORD your God as you have done until now.’” (Joshua 23:1b-8) 

When we stop and intentionally recall God’s faithfulness, God’s provision, God’s protection in our lives, we are encouraged to believe God again, and to believe God for more.  Joshua was smart.  He had called together “all the tribes of Israel to Shechem, including their elders, leaders, judges, and officers.  So they came and presented themselves to God.” (Joshua 24:1)  It was time for a meeting.  It was time for serious evaluation.  Joshua was careful to point the people’s attention to Yahweh.  Is it time to call together a meeting in Shechem?  Christ Church is experiencing transition in several areas of growth even as I type these “reflections.”  But it’s nothing new for us.  As we discussed last week, rapid growth brings change.  Christ Church has grown rapidly, and so our leadership has often called us to Shechem.  In fact, I would venture to say that Christ Church has grown rapidly, because it has been willing to courageously face change. 

Every autumn, for eleven years now, Christ Church has celebrated in the spirit of “Joshua” as we remember God’s faithfulness. Our “Joshua Celebrations” are like a meeting in Shechem when we remember where God has brought us and ask God where he wants to take us?  In obedience, our leaders recommit themselves to God, and ask each of us to recommit ourselves for the coming year.  We are challenged to commit our time in volunteer service, our tithes and free-will offerings for the expansion of ministry and outreach, and our presence at weekend worship so that corporately we can say together, “We love you, Lord.”  Together we declare, “All that we have comes from you, Lord. We choose to honor you with all that we are.  And like Joshua, we declare, “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord!” (Joshua 24:15b)  God has blessed this church richly. This is Christ’s church.  All the glory belongs to Him!

Joshua’s words are as strong to us today as they were that day at Shechem.  “So fear the LORD and serve him wholeheartedly.  Put away forever the idols your ancestors worshiped when they lived beyond the Euphrates River and in Egypt.  Serve the LORD alone.  But if you refuse to serve the LORD, then choose today whom you will serve.  Would you prefer the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates?  Or will it be the gods of the Amorites in whose land you now live?  But as for me and my family, we will serve the LORD.” (Joshua 24:14-15)  The people seem to be ready to make their commitment, so they respond affirmatively and enthusiastically. (vv.16-18) However, according to the next two verses (vv.19-20), Joshua challenges their sincerity.  “You are not able to serve the LORD, for he is a holy and jealous God.  He will not forgive your rebellion and your sins.  If you abandon the LORD and serve other gods, he will turn against you and destroy you, even though he has been so good to you.” (Joshua 24:19-20)  How could Joshua say this?  He had led these people long enough to know them well. 

A person is strengthened in his/her resolve to follow through with a decision.  God has designed us so that our determination becomes an energy that helps us to overcome obstacles and see solutions as we pursue a desire of the heart.  If I am determined in my heart to pursue a desire that is noble and good, I will be strengthened with an inner fortitude in order to accomplish that worthy goal.  If I am determined in my heart to pursue a desire that is shameful and unhealthy for me, I will be strengthened in the opposite direction with an inner obstinacy in order to satisfy that unhealthy desire.  God’s grace melts the heart of one individual and seems to harden the heart of another.  One is framed in surrender.  The other is framed in resistance.  One is willing to turn.  The other stubbornly refuses.  The layers of a man’s heart can either be softened or hardened.  In the book of Exodus, when God called Moses to represent him before Egypt’s brutal ruler, Pharaoh’s heart was like clay baking in the sun.  He was determined to keep the Hebrews as slaves, and so he was strengthened in his resolve to not let them go. Over time (ten plagues), his stubbornness and pride led to his downfall.  Scripture is replete with examples of hard-hearted leaders bringing down a whole nation.  The innocent suffer when persons in position of influence are determined to flex their muscles and claim power that belongs to God alone.  In our Scripture for this lesson, Joshua seems to understand this human trait.  And so he sternly warns the people to check their resolve. 

How can our hearts stay tender and responsive to God’s way?  I believe one way is to act upon what we say we believe.  For example, the people said they would serve the LORD.  “All right then,” Joshua said, “destroy the idols among you, and turn your hearts to the LORD, the God of Israel.”  Our words are no good if we do not throw away our idols and live into our commitments.  Is it hard at times to stay on God’s path?  Of course it is.  But if we resolve in our hearts to do the right thing, and humbly trust God to help us, we will be strengthened in that decision of faith.  “The LORD says, “I will rescue those who love me.  I will protect those who trust in my name.  When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble.  I will rescue and honor them.  I will reward them with a long life and give them my salvation.” (Psalm 91:14-16)  Further, as believers in Christ, we are strengthened when we regularly meet together for worship, when we serve others in the name of Christ, and when we give the best and first portion of our income back to God.  “For this world is not our permanent home; we are looking forward to a home yet to come.  Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to his name.  And don’t forget to do good and share with those in need.  These are the sacrifices that please God.  Obey your spiritual leaders, and do what they say.  Their work is to watch over your souls, and they are accountable to God.  Give them reason to do this with joy and not with sorrow.  That would certainly not be for your benefit.” (Hebrews 13:14-17) 

It may be time for you and I to get alone with God, to go to Shechem privately and evaluate where we are.  “Be careful then, dear brothers and sisters.  Make sure that your own hearts are not evil and unbelieving, turning you away from the living God.  You must warn each other every day, while it is still ‘today,’ so that none of you will be deceived by sin and hardened against God.  For if we are faithful to the end, trusting God just as firmly as when we first believed, we will share in all that belongs to Christ.” (Hebrews 3:12-14)  This past year, I have had to take many walks to Shechem and get alone with God.  The following is my PREP journal entry from February 13, 2009.  (The Scripture was Exodus 35:10-36:38; Matthew 27:32-66; Psalm 34:1-10; Prov.9:7-8):

I don’t feel like writing in this PREP journal this evening.  But I’m going to anyway.  As meaningless as it seems to be right now… perhaps I need to more than ever.  (The phone is ringing and really getting on my last nerve.)  The tabernacle is being constructed by specially gifted men and women.  The people are excited to offer their gifts and contribute to the work the LORD has given Moses.  In the NT, our Lord is taking the nails for us, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani”—“My God, my God why have you abandoned me?”  I feel abandoned right now, nothing like Jesus felt.  But it is worthy to ponder: He knows what I’m going through (what ‘we’ as a family are facing.)  I feel like such an utter fool…like a failure as a mother…my lack of faith to face what is ahead leaves me with feelings of anger and bewilderment.  Lord, would you please help me not sin against you?

Last week during worship when we were singing “Lead Me to the Cross,” my heart began to fall under conviction.  “Do I really want to go to the cross of Christ? Am I ready to trace his steps of suffering that led to Calvary?  After finishing the supper with his disciples, Jesus went out of that upper room knowing what faced him.  He crossed the Kidron Valley, made his way to the Mount of Olives, and entered a familiar grove of trees we know as Gethsemane.  Kneeling there on the damp earth underneath the gnarled, tangled branches of olive trees, Christ settled in his heart what we all must settle.  Is it my way or your way, Father?  Is it my will or your will?  What am I determined to do?  What is my resolve?  Our Lord Christ knelt in total surrender and accepted the Father’s will.  God’s way might mean suffering.  No one wants to suffer.  Jesus didn’t want to suffer.  He pleaded, “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me…” (Luke 22:42a)  God has brought me (and our family) a long way since that cold evening in February.  Many times, I have had to stop and intentionally recall God’s faithfulness.  “The righteous person faces many troubles, but the LORD comes to the rescue each time.” (Psalm 34:19)  At your critical junctures, what is your heart’s resolve?

If you’ve been around here a while you’ll have realised by now that I’m a big fan of singer Robbie Williams. I’m in very good company. This week Robbie performed live for the first time in three years at a record breaking sell-out concert at London’s Roundhouse theatre. As the show was also being screened at 250 cinemas across 23 countries, as well as being broadcast on 23 radio stations, it’s estimated that he reached an audience of an almost unbelievable 33 million people. It puts him firmly back in the Guinness Book of World Records – a place where he is no stranger thanks to his ongoing phenominal chart successes.

This is an old video and the title seemed appropriate for this week. It’s ‘No Regrets’, from 1998. (Fans of the Pet Shop Boys may recognise Neil Tennant on backing vocals).

Robbie’s had his fair share of troubles over the years and has a  surprisingly fragile ego. I sincerely hope that this time he’s back, healthy and strong, having finally exorcised his demons.

If you’ve been around here a while you’ll have realised by now that I’m a big fan of singer Robbie Williams. I’m in very good company. This week Robbie performed live for the first time in three years at a record breaking sell-out concert at London’s Roundhouse theatre. As the show was also being screened at 250 cinemas across 23 countries, as well as being broadcast on 23 radio stations, it’s estimated that he reached an audience of an almost unbelievable 33 million people. It puts him firmly back in the Guinness Book of World Records – a place where he is no stranger thanks to his ongoing phenominal chart successes.

This is an old video and the title seemed appropriate for this week. It’s ‘No Regrets’, from 1998. (Fans of the Pet Shop Boys may recognise Neil Tennant on backing vocals).

Robbie’s had his fair share of troubles over the years and has a  surprisingly fragile ego. I sincerely hope that this time he’s back, healthy and strong, having finally exorcised his demons.

The Saturday after the scan was tough.  The prospect of giving birth to Abigail loomed ahead of us.  The shock of her having died still rested on us.  We were in between the times.  The world had just fallen apart but we knew it was still about to disintegrate further too.

There were a few things we were not prepared for.  My wife could still feel Abigail moving inside her womb (not kicking but moving still) and shefound that very traumatic.  My wife’s parents came up to look after our son the next day when we went into hospital.  They said a few silly things like “it will be easier when you have another child” – that was silly then (we could have a 1000 kids and this wouldn’t be any easier) and it is even more silly now since we won’t have another child.  That said, I do appreciate that they had no idea what situation they were coming into and we were/are grateful for their support.

19 October 2008 (Abigail’s birthday)

I think my faith had disintegrated over these few days.  I had the sense that if it was going to survive at all, God would have to hold on to me, not the other way around.  As my wife and I walked out to the car there was a small sparrow on the roof.  I remember praying sarcastically “that is nice God – not a sparrow can fall without you noticing – well you are going to have to do better than that, a lot better!”

The hardest part for me was driving my wife to the hospital.  We went in for 9am.  I wanted nothing more than to drive in the opposite direction, get away to a beautiful part of the country and take my wife AWAY from this ordeal.  And yet here I was driving towards it.  That was the only part in the day that I was really active, that I decided what happened.  Once we were in the hospital the medics took over and we were on rails really.  We were active but not with any real options, we became passengers.  But here in the car I was the driver – this was my last chance to run away and I desperately wanted to.

In the hospital the staff were great.  Our consultant Paul had come in to kick things off.  He understood my wife’s concerns about the baby moving and arranged a final scan (even though he knew their was no point). It was strangely comforting to see Abigail’s body on the screen one more time.  Still no heartbeat (what did we expect?).  This was a Sunday and I remembered thinking about our church meeting, praying for us – it seemed a long way away but I could imagine their support.

All the midwives took time to say how sorry they were.  They latched on to our language and quickly started talking about Abigail.  Also, I had on the spur of the moment grabbed some pictures of our son and my wife kept looking at them and showing them to the midwives.  It gave us a way of remembering him through the day and dissipated some of the focus off Abigail.  This was a helpful survival tactic and I remembered thinking how impossible this would be if we had no children at all.  At one point in the late morning my mother-in-law was able to bring our son in and we played and chatted with him for a bit.  It was good for him to see Mummy was okay and it was good to break up our day as at this stage there was quite a bit of sitting around.

Once labour kicked in, it got going really quickly.  One of my prayers was that it wouldn’t take too long.  We had been told sometimes it could take days in induced stillbirths.  Once we got down to the labour ward the atmosphere changed  – we were a few rooms up from where our son had been born (one of the happiest days of our lives!).  Now it was all about Abigail (the saddest day of our lives).  The midwives asked how we had chosen Abigail’s name.  I explained about the infertility problems and how happy we were when we conceived.  How Abigail means Father’s Joy and that was our expectation when we chose the name – she would be my joy.  Now we believed Abigail was our heavenly Father’s joy.   The older midwife cried at this point.  She said later she would pray for us and I believe she definitely had faith.

My wife had enough pain relief as there were no real limits to the drugs they could give her (as no baby’s health to worry about).  But whilst with our son (she had had an epidural) with Abigail she could feel her body moving down.  We were both very emotional.  And there was nothing they could give us to dull the emotional pain.  I felt so much for what my wife was going through first and foremost but was also in turmoil myself.

At one point the midwives asked us if we wanted various mementos – photos, lock of hair, crib blanket etc – and we said yes we wanted everything.  They also asked if we wanted to see Abigail the moment she was born or later.  We said we wanted her to be taken away at birth and then bought back once we were ready and my wife had been cleaned up.  This took some of the pressure out of the later stages of labour.

I remember being really surprised when my wife went through the exact same stages of labour as she had with our son.  There was the very emotional tearful stage when she seemed to give up on it ever finishing.  I knew it would not be long at that point.

At 19.16 (Sunday 19 October 2008) Abigail was born.  She came quickly in the end.  As she was being born my wife screamed that she wanted to hold her straight away.  “Give Abigail to me” she said.  The midwife was aware that we were changing what we had said we wanted, but we didn’t care at that point.  Abigail was out now and that changed everything.  She asked “were we sure?  Did we want her to tell us what to expect first?”  Images of horror filled my mind…  I simply said “just give her to us now.”

And there she was.  My wife held our daughter.  I  held my wife.  After a bit of clearing up we were left alone.   We cried.  We examined and cuddled our daughter.  I took a few pictures (I still regret not taking more pictures such as a good picture of my wife holding Abigail).  There was at this point a feeling that the worst was behind us.  We could just relax now.

After all of the scans and grainy images here she was.  I am not sure how much to say here.  Some things are just for me and my wife I think…

On the one hand our daughter was beautiful.  I could see the family likenesses.  Her features were wonderful and intricate and yes she was a girl.  I felt emotions at that, my only daughter wouldn’t get to grow up, wear a princess outfit, have a boyfriend, have her own babies.  So yes she was beautiful.

But death’s mark was on her too.  Her body quickly darkened and cooled.  My parental instinct says she was perfect but my mind knew she was not.  She had died for a reason.  A couple of her fingers and toes were fused together and that made me think the cause must be genetic (not nutritional which was the other scenario we had lived with).  We would await the post mortem results to see if this was the case.

Then came my time for a cuddle.  We later found our she only weighed 625 grams (our son had been 10lb 10oz!  Quite a difference) but she was still bigger and heavier than I expected.  She fitted easily in my arms.  Even as I write these words and remember holding the weight of her… tears are so near.  I cried then.  Throughout the day I had planned this moment.  I knew what I had to say to dedicate my daughter (Father’s Joy) to our Heavenly Father.  (Every night when I put my son to bed after stories and prayers I say what he calls the special words – I said them for Abigail too).

The Lord bless you and keep you, Abigail

The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you my Daughter

God lift up the light of his countenance upon you and give you his peace, his eternal peace.

I Love you

And I put Abigail back in her crib.  I had done for my daughter in death what I did for my son every single day in life.  I committed her to God, blessed her, loved her and put her to rest.  At that moment I felt secure in my place as her father.

Then I invited the staff back in to take her away.

Seeing Abigail was desperately hard but not as bad as I had thought it might have been.  This was my first personal encounter with death and I think the main feeling to be honest was peace.  It wasn’t horrible or ugly, it was just sad but also peaceful.  I felt God in the room.

With Abigail out of the room we took some time to make some phone calls.  I remember telling our minister with a wierd conviction that even if before conception I had known this was going to be the outcome, I would still have gone through it all.  To hold Abigail and know she had lived and now was in heaven was worth it.  I didn’t regret that despite the pain.  I also had the bizarre feeling that we had been perfect parents to Abigail.  I couldn’t say that for my son where we make mistakes on a regular basis.  But for Abigail we had done everything we could.  OK it wasn’t very much but throughout her short life and on this her birthday we had loved her, cared for her, protected her as best we could and that was all we could have done really.

At one point my wife felt very sick and stood up and suddenly there was blood everywhere.  The staff came back in and sorted us out.  I realised my wife was quite woozy and wobbly still.

Throughout the day we had had two midwives.  One was very experienced, the other very young and inexperienced.  When we had first met the inexperienced one she had been very chirpy and happy and nervous.  She hadn’t recalibrated her expectations to what was happening this day and was acting like it was a normal happy birth.  The experienced midwife took her outside and she came back totally different – very sober.  I wondered what had been said but I can guess.  At the end of the day they were out with Abigail, weighing her, taking photos for us and things like that.  They bought Abigail back in – I think they thought we had not had enough time with her.  I felt a bit undone by this at the time but looking back we should have had a lot longer with her that we did – I wish I could go back now and have another few hours, few days (lifetime !) with her.  So I am glad for that extra time.

At one point I asked the inexperienced midwife if this was the first “sad one” she had done.  She said yes and burst into tears and left us.  I bet she remembers us and Abigail for the rest of her career.  I was grateful someone else felt emotion for our daughter – it was another person who would keep her memory alive.  At another point the senior midwife asked if there was anything she could get us.  My wife, asked though tears if she could get her another heart as this one was broken.  The midwife responded instantly and very warmly by saying that from what she could see there was nothing wrong with the heart she had.

Our Doctor Paul came to see us at one point with Abigail.  He said she was beautiful.  I really thought highly of him that day coming in at the start and the end of the day and just sitting with us for no reason other than to show compassion with us.  All the staff were absolutely wonderful.

Earlier in the day I had picked up a booklet from the hospital chapel.  When we were on our own again, I got it out and read a few pages with my wife.  My heart skipped when I opened the page that quoted Luke 12 v 6-7

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

That verse had top-and-tailed, totally-encompassed the day.  I had said God would have to hold me, my strength was gone.  And he had.

We went back upstairs to the ward.  We spent some time talking through the post mortem authorisation.  We felt it important to know what had caused Abigail to grow slowly and to die.  Would it happen again?  That said, I didn’t feel old enough to be making decisions about whether they could take small samples of organ matter and things like that.  I just got through it by telling myself that this was not our daughter now, she was somewhere else, this was what had been left behind.

My wife and I talked late.  She slept – she was exhausted.  I was mostly awake.

At about 4am I got up for a walk.  My restless wander.  I went to all the places that had dominated so much of our lives those past few months.  The car park we had parked in so many times, the hospital entrance we had walked through for each appointment, the yellow lines that our son had played on during the 20-week scan when everything started to unravel, the room where we had all the scans, the room where we had sat after Abigail died, the drink’s machine which had served me the odd drink.

The hardest place I visited was the entrance to the neo-natal intensive care unit.  I could see tiny babies.  Babies I had felt so sorry for a few days earlier.  But these were breathing babies.  Ours was on a mortuary slab somewhere now.  I saw worrying parents and I didn’t pity them – I envied them.  I had been terrified by this option a few days before but now I would have happily given my right arm to have Abigail in there with all those machines and tubes.  Was that selfish – she was in a better place.  I was sad for me not her.

As I toured the hospital landmarks I was consumed with grief.  All these placed had only a few days earlier represented different possible outcomes.  Some were hoped for, others feared.  Now I said goodbye to each of these scenarios.  I was left with just one scenario, a funeral to plan.  There was nothing to hope for now, only our grief to endure and to survive.  I felt cheated.

I went back to bed.  Hopefully this was rock bottom, hopefully it would all be easier from here.