I have spent now 5 years as a Single Mama. I have a child who is not insane. I am not bankrupt. I have not traded Mr. Wrong for a slew of sugar daddies, dimwits or thugs. And, despite the spam of “Meet Men Now” that clouds my life – despite the scramble here and scramble there, juggle this and juggle that – I am happy.

But I have not seen so many happy stories. I have seen the ugly, the bad, the wrecked, the inscrutable, the sad and the just plain horrific. Being happy as a Single Mama does not fit the stereotypes of Single Mamadom in a patriarchal society. So there isn’t much information out there supporting the reality of Happy Single Mamas. Or how to BE a Happy Single Mama.

It seems that I need to delineate, exactly, how to BE a Single Mama. Or at least how I do it. I can’t guarantee happiness. Results may vary.

But I can – at least – advise avoiding a few traps that may leave you broken, bruised, or confused.

Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Amy Tan wrote that there are the types of turtles who feed on swallowing people’s tears. If someone gets a rush from playing the role of riding up on a white horse and saving you from the weight of your life – be wary. Be very, very wary. Or rather, be very, very afraid. Or rather, lets just break it down like this: JUST SAY NO.

Skip the event, eat the ice cream. Don’t over-analyze. Do nap. Let a beautician wash your hair. Let a masseuse rub your back. Drive through the full service lane at the gas station. Get a pedicure. Even if you are vegan – at least get an unsweetened iced tea at the drive through window. Outsource. Don’t think. Breathe. If you have to hang your head between your knees, remember to breathe.

Get your finances in order. Read Beth Kobliner. Read Ariel Gore – especially the Hip Mama Survival Guide. Use what is available to you. Work it out. Use every any governmental assistance you qualify for – and then work. Work, work, work.

Talk to Big Brother. Institutions are created to serve the public. They don’t make you institutionalized – unless your head is a sponge and your spine is a feather boa. Whatever you may think of the government, big government, this organization, that organization – you can be in this world without being of this world. Public resources are there for a reason. Welfare. Consumer Credit Counseling. You are a part of the public. You need resources. Go for it. Two more words: YWCA. YMCA. (OK those were acronyms, not words. I know.)

Dating: Not a requirement. Fun idea. If only because you are entitled to do it. But you are also entitled to buy every widget in Walmart that you can. You are also entitled to eat pig skin until you vomit. Entitlement is a tricky thing.

You are entitled to date. You are not required to date.
That should be a relief. A relief indeed.

Your child or children have one childhood. Just one. And you are providing it. Weigh wisely. Home Alone is a bad movie. It’s not an option. Please don’t get your options from movies or TV. Thank you.

Surround yourself with people who respect your time and your responsibilities as a mother. If someone disrespects you once – Gone! You simply cannot make time for someone who does not respect your time, your responsibilities, your family or your priorities. You cannot let anyone waste your time. You have precious little time to begin with. And it’s all already allocated . Remember this rule: One Loser per Lifetime is the Limit.

Popcorn and pancakes for dinner and pyjamas all day on Saturday is not just all right. It’s your right. The 4 basic food groups should go into your little person or little people every day. But no-one ever said you have to sit up at the table and use the right fork.
Fork that.

Find an anthem. Or two. Or twelve. “Like Babygirl, I ain’t got a motor boat but I can float your boat. We can live without the punks just you and me.”

Don’t Worry. Be Happy.

Remember nothing but happiness. Mathilde Urrutia, the last wife of Pablo Neruda was raised by a poor widow in Southern Chile. Her mother ran a rooming house, grew food in her garden and sewed her dresses from flour sacks. How does Mathilde remember her childhood?
I remember nothing but happiness, she writes.

You don’t need a partner to be miserable, but sometimes it helps. Think: Stepford wives. Talk to me.

Un-single-ifying? There will be time for that.

Single Mama does not equal SaveMeMama. It means that I divided by choice and that’s the state I chose: HELLO! MatchDotCom and FindSinglesInYourArea and BlindDates and GeekswithMoney? OhHellNo.

Empower yourself. Carpentry. Hammers. Mechanics. Logistics. Pragmatics. Locks and Doors. Popcorn and Pancakes and Music on Saturdays. Nothing more. Life is good. Can you hear me now?

Laura Hartmark is a writer and is glad you took the time to read this blog.

So yeah the other day I was talking about a pigeon that was living on my fire-escape for like 2 – 3 days..it might have been sick or something, i have no idea. I’m thinking that the heat might have just gotten to it.. It wasn’t bleeding or anything and it tried to actually enter my apartment a few times. It was very persistent. It was cute and I wanted to named it Mortimer, just cause typing Mortimer is nice and saying it makes me laugh & smile. The bird flew away before I could do so..and that bird above is the bird i’ve been talking about. yeah. I think it just used me for food and water.. I’ll post more photos later this week..

later nerds,
antwan.

Back again! Been a quite the busy week trying to become a rockstar, but I managed to make a couple refixes along the way.

This one brings together a couple female anthems, Joining TLC with Beyonce. There are two edits and can be useful in different situations

Teknikscian – Crazy in love with scrubs (surprise edit)

Teknikscian – Crazy in love with scrubs

catching the rx bandits show tonight, so i thought i’d throw this up. there must be something about this TLC gem. first incubus, now rx bandits. i’m sure it doesn’t end there, either.

some good news: while sunbear’s on vacay in orlando, rx bandits are rolling through and doing an in-store there, so here’s to hoping he gets to the show and gets ya’ll me some footage.

-grizzly

So I usually don’t write two posts a day, but well this one called for it. So a reader asked if I had feelings for PMS guy. The answer is no. The only feelings I had were brotherly feelings. He was feeling bad so I helped him out and he seemed to really appreciate it. Anyway so I found out the true reason why he is pissed and I was right. He is pissed that I’m in a relationship. So he made this note on facebook. If you don’t know a note on facebook is basically something you write about whatever you want to talk about. So he writes one about me. Keep in mind that I have never used this guys name. I would never do something like that. He on the other hand uses my name on this notes. Anyway apparently he started getting pissed when I showed my hickey. Then he said I constantly talked about my sex life. Once again the only time I ever really make mention of it was on this blog and it was never in any detail. He then continues to rag on my photos. He also said that I’m the reason behind his pissy mood. So all I’m saying is that I don’t have feelings for him, but he clearly has feelings for me. So I hope that answers the reader’s question. If it did then I of course will be done with PMS guy since well I have awesome friends, in a great relationship, and pretty soon will be out of school for the summer. Not to mention I have to worry about finals. So like usual I’ll end with a video. This one is No Scrubs by TLC. If you grew up in the 90’s you know this song oh so well.

Evening Cherubs

Let’s all cross our fingers and hope for the best that BRAVO got it right this time. Word on the cable beat is that they are replacing DeShawn “snoozers” Snow

with Kandi Burress. I know most of you are like “who the hell is that?”

Kandi is one of the three chicks from the 90’s R&B group Xscape. Kandi is not just a former 90’s star, she is also a song-writer that has credits on TLC’s “No Scrubs” song. 

I don’t know much about this woman, but I have a feeling she will bring a WHOLE lot more to the table then DeShawn Snow ever did. I also would love to see a show-down between this woman and the infamous Kim.

Perhaps Kandi is going to be the one to tell Kim EXACTLY about herself! It is going to be a great second season. I cannot wait for these drunken old 5th Avenue/Hamptons Ho-bogs season is OVER! The Housewives of NYC not only are hard to look at because my eyes singe with pain from there botxed pulled skin, they are also SUPER boring! At least give me someone so pathetic I can get a good laugh at,  but alas the laughs are scarce with this show.

Stay tuned for more Housewives of Atlanta dish…

Night Night

Spotlight Presents: The Music of TLC

I became a fan of TLC after I have listened to their album, “FanMail”. The first single from the album is the hit, “No Scrubs”.

A “rap version” of the song is used in the music video. This made the song really cool.

See, if you can’t spacially expand my horizon / Then that leaves you in the class with scrubs, never rising / I don’t find it surprising and if you don’t have the Gs / To please me and bounce me here to the coast of over seas / So, let me give you something to think about
Inundate your mind with intentions to turn you out / Can’t forget the focus on the picture in front of me / You as clear as DVD on digital TV screen / Satisfy my apetite with something spectacular
Shake your vernacular / and then I get back to ya / With diamond like precision / Insatiable is what I envision / Can’t detect acquisition
from your friend’s expedition / Mr. Big Willy, if you really want to know / Ask Chilli, could I be a silly ho? / Not really T-Boz and all my senoritas / are steppin’ on you Filas / but you don’t hear me, no

A male version of the songs has been released after a few months. The song is called “No Pigeons”.

1. Various Artists including Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes
“Freedom (Theme from Panther)”
From Panther:  The Original Motion Picture Soundtrack
Released:  1995

If you listened to my podcast interview with Ron Lopes, brother of the late, great Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes, you know I asked him what his favorite all-time Left Eye rap was.  Well, he didn’t just give me one; he gave me a few.  This was one of them.  And his mention of “Freedom” tickled me in a way the others didn’t. 

Originally written and performed by Joi for her debut album, The Pendulum Vibe, someone had the genius idea to include it on this soundtrack and make it an ensemble piece.  It’s a great song and I think it still stands the test of time.  Really an anthemic song.  I know I called “No Scrubs” anthemic, but this is a truly anthemic song.  “No Scrubs” is fun, but “Freedom” is anthemic in a whole ‘nother way.  I think it speaks for itself.

I think this is a nice song to end the countdown with (though I’ll post my OUTRODUCTION tomorrow) especially in the wake of our new president’s inauguration last week and our continued celebration of MLK’s legacy. 

I wish everyone freedom.  Freedom of expression.  Freedom to love whom you want to love.  Freedom to love them how you want to love them.   Freedom to learn, explore, and grow.  And, mostly, freedom to be yourself  fearlessly, fiercely, and unabashedly without fear of judgement, rejection, or regret, which is how I think Lisa lived.

I remember I posted a poem I wrote on a TLC fansite message board once.  Lisa opined on it right away.  She had nice things to say.  I’ll never forget that.

By th way – you get the rap version and the original R&B version as a BONUS! (T-Boz and Chilli representin’, too!)

And, yes, she kilt it.

2. TLC “Waterfalls”
From CrazySexyCool
Released:  May 29, 1995

So, I said it had to be “No Scrubs” for Number 4, but really “Waterfalls” had to be the top TLC song of the countdown.  It is one of my favorites, but it’s so obvious that I would have chosen another, but I don’t think that would have been true to Left Eye’s memory.  This is the song the put TLC over the top and turned them from an R&B/hip-pop girl group to  a super-pop megastar girl group.

Ms. Lopes’ rap in this song is the one that she will most be remembered for.  It’s even engraved on her tombstone.  This video was one of the most expensive videos ever made and one of the few that actually visually interpreted the story/lyrics of the song.  Very cinematic, it won a ton of awards, and director F. Gary Gray went on to direct hit films such as Set It Off, The Negotiator, and The Italian Job.

I remember that each TLC album came out at a significant time in my life.  I was a freshman in high school when Ooooooohhh…On The TLC Tip was released.  CrazySexyCool marked my senior year of high school.  I was about to graduate college with my Bachelors when FanMail came out.  (3D not so much, but I don’t really count that one because Lisa had already passed.  Don’t get me wrong, I like a lot of it, but that release became a different kind of thing just because of how things happened to go down.)

3. Donell Jones  featuring Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes
“U Know What’s Up”
From Where I Wanna Be
Released:  September 14, 1999

So, this came out the same year that TLC came back with FanMail and “No Scrubs” was such a huge hit.  This is Donell Jones’ biggest hit.  And I think it goes without saying that that’s due in part to the Left Eye factor.  A lot of the songs by other artists that featured her climbed to Number 1 on various charts.

I think Ms. Lopes is underrated and doesn’t get enough credit for her individual contributions to modern pop, hip hop, and R&B music.  No, she never got to establish a solo career, but if her life hadn’t been cut short she more than likely would have.  She’ll always be most known as one-third of TLC and she’ll always get props for that, but she worked with a lot of other artists and to be able to enhance another artist’s song while still allowing them their individuality and maintaining yours takes some talent.

I remember when Number 4, “No Scrubs,” came out  I was in my last year of undergrad at UT.  I lived in the Jester Center dorms.  East Side!  When the video premiered on MTV I ran back to my dorm from one of my classes just to catch it.  I was blown away by that video.

4. TLC “No Scrubs”
From FanMail
Released:  Spring 1999

Oh, yes!  It had to be “No Scrubs.”  When I first heard this song…Well, first off I was just so happy to have TLC back after 4 years.  I’ve always said that an artist has to come back strong with that first single off of a new project after they’ve been away for awhile.  And the promotional single, “Silly Ho,” just didn’t do it for me.  It sounded like a wannabe Missy song. 

So, I was weary of the first official single.  But this, just sounded like something else.  Today it just sounds like “No Scrubs.”  But, when I first heard it.  I knew it was TLC, but it was like I hadn’t heard them before.  Chilli hadn’t ever been in the front really.  And the harmonies were just bananas to me.  And the beat was so infectiously sweet that I…I don’t know…I was going to say got tooth decay, but that’s just corny.  It was just anthemic and the video was first class with all the extras.  And what made it extra extra special was Left Eye’s call-outs all over it, which is signature TLC, and her rap, of course. (I don’t understand why this wasn’t the version on the album from the gitty-up.  Why wouldn’t the record company want all 3 girls on the album version? It’s obviously better by far.)

I remember thinking that one reason TLC was so popular was because they had a nice balance of masculine and feminine (though all 3 got sexier and more womanly as they “grew up”).  Chilli was the most girly.  Left Eye was the most tomboyish.  And, T-Boz was right in the middle with a nice balance of both.  There was something for everyone; something for every taste.

In a fit of self indulgence, post-Thanksgiving boredom and the fact that I feel too chubby and cold to go out I started re-reading an old journal.

Circa a time when I thought waking up at 11 qualified as “early.” Circa a time when I thought knowing the “dj” mattered and that vodka and Red Bull made for a tasty cocktail.

This was only about a year and a half ago ya’ll. In the interim, I may have developed some better habits, but I’m on the brink of becoming boring. The fact that I’m blogging while wearing my boyfriend’s Cardinals hoodie on a Saturday night proves this.

I found a list that my friend Alexis (who inspired this) and I made in May 2007. It’s our “No Scrubs” list which I think sprung from a terrible date I went on where the guy took me to see “Hannibal” and smelled my hair. Not a nice, cute hair smell either. It was like he was trying to inhale me. This is a very weird thing to do on a first date.

Anyway, it says a lot about the sorry state of affairs for the modern single woman (at least in Phoenix) that some of our requirements were actually, “showers regularly,” and “doesn’t say things like ‘lay the pipe’.”

I’m not sure if it’s that our collective female standards have never been lower, or if once you reach a certain age in a certain scene, the stock just plummets.

Or maybe it’s just that I spent far too much of my single time making lists and going on dates with dudes who probably make hair dolls and lamenting past “loves.”

And now I spend my coupled nights in a hoodie, writing about lists I have made, pretending I’m too busy to help my boyfriend move his things into my basement and lamenting the “good old days” when I was miserable.

I think this need to romanticize and feel nostalgic about the very recent, very terrible, extremely boring past is a defining characteristic of post-emotionalism (a working theory I have about everything my generation loves and hates) but for right now, I’m going to cop out and decide I’m too post-post emotion to work it out tonight.

A scrub is a guy that thinks he’s fly and is
also known as a buster
always talkin’ about what he wants
and just sits on his broke ass
so (no)
I don’t want your number
no I don’t wanna give you mine
and no I don’t wanna meet you nowhere
no I don’t want none of your time and no
Chorus:
I don’t want no scrub
a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
hanging out the passenger side
of his best friend’s ride
trying to holler at me
I don’t want no scrub
a scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me
hanging out the passenger side
of his best friend’s ride
trying to holler at me
But a scrub’s checkin’ me
but his game is kinda weak
and i know that he cannot approach me
cuz I’m lookin’ like class and he’s looking like trash
can’t get wit’ a deadbeat ass
So (no)
I don’t want your number
no I don’t wanna give you mine
and no I don’t wanna meet you nowhere
no I don’t want none of your time (so no)

Chorus
If you don’t have a car and you’re walking
Oh yes son I’m talking to you
If you live at home wit’ your momma
Oh yes son I’m talking to you
If you have a shorty but you don’t show love
Oh yes son I’m talking to you
Wanna get with me with no money
oh no I don’t want no scrub
No scrub
No scrub
No No
No scrub
No no no no
No no
Chorus (until fade)

Watch out now. I’m going to flip the routine here to spice things up a little. Today, I’m offering my “Song of the Day” at the beginning of the post. Yeah, I know, I didn’t think you guys would be able to handle it either, at first, but I think it will enhance your enjoyment of the post. So here it is:

Timbaland – “The Way I Are”

Listen to the song if you haven’t heard it yet, then proceed with the post. I’m not even gonna go into length about the grammatically incorrect title…

I’ve heard this fine piece of music all over the place…blaring from radios, cell phones, leaking out of ipod earbuds, I’m pretty sure I recall it was played the one time I went to a club last year, and basically everywhere there was a speaker. It features a bouncing beat, synths, and the signature “yeah”-guy present in seemingly every Timbaland production.

But it wasn’t until I recently downloaded it from a blogger’s end of the year list of “hot tracks of 2007″that I actually listened to the lyrics. And wow…I was shocked. The guy in the song is totally me — if I, for some ridiculous reason, decided to try to be fly and hit up the club scene and find a girlfriend there with the meager funds I have in my checking account. I am sure this song would be the exact result; musically and lyrically, it really captures that situation perfectly. Check out these opening lines:

I ain’t got no money
I ain’t got no car to take you on a date
I can’t even buy you flowers…
…Talk to me girl.
…
… (YEAH!)

Whoooo! How’s that for a pick-up line? Does T-to-the-Imbaland have you girls just swooning and out of breath? I sure would be if I were a female. (Okay, that “Yeah!” wasn’t really in the song)

Alright, let’s look at the similarities. Although I do have a car, all the other stuff is totally true for me. I ain’t got no money and I definitely can’t be gettin’ flowers too regularly for anyone. I think all I need is the super-cool, “thug it out” confidence that Timbaland exudes so effortlessly. That’s got to be it. I mean, that’s really the only difference between him and me. And look at the results that difference yields after he says those magic words, “Talk to me girl”:

Oh, baby, it’s alright now, you ain’t gotta flaunt for me
If we go there, you can still touch my love, it’s free
We can work without the perks just you and me
Thug it out ’til we get it right [...]

Cause I like you just the way you are

This girl already seems very taken by those oh-so-seductive words. But it turns out T-Boots is just getting warmed up. He throws down this woozy next:

I ain’t got no Visa
I ain’t got no Red American Express
We can’t go nowhere exotic
It don’t matter ’cause I’m the one that love you best
Talk to me girl

Wait…“I ain’t got no Visa” ? He’s probably talking about credit cards but I think there is enough textual evidence in the song to suggest that this line reveals that the guy is not only broke, but he may also be an illegal resident. (But who doesn’t have a credit card these days? Aren’t credit card companies aggressively marketing to daycare students now?) And really, there’s nothing like hearing, “We can’t go nowhere exotic,” that just fires up excitement and passion as you’re planning a romantic vacation or get-away.

But yeah….I don’t have no Red American Express either. And I also can’t go nowhere exotic. Maybe it’s just his brutal honesty coupled with that confident swagger I pointed out earlier, because even after spilling all this out, when he says, “Talk to me girl,” as if on cue, this presumably hot, and totally stupid, or incredibly kind and unambitious, girl immediately replies with: “Oh, baby, it’s alright now” because “I like you just the way you are” and “We can thug it out ’til we get it right.” What does that last line even mean?

And just when I thought all the similarities with me had ended, this rapper comes into the song out of nowhere and says:

Baby girl, I don’t got a huge ol’ house I rent a room in a house [...]
So listen baby girl…

I don’t think I’d use “baby girl” so often or rhyme “house” with “house” in my personal wooing of the ladies, but man… I don’t have a “huge ol’ house” either! And I actually have been renting “a room in a house” for the past few years, except I’ve been financially stable enough to be able to switch up different houses from which I rent. (Side-note: this rapper contributes a total of four lines to the song and within those lines, he manages to rhyme “motorboat” with “boat,” “Doe” with “Mo’ “, and “back” with “back,” while using the phrase “baby girl” four times and “So listen” three times. Then the song and his verse ends. Genius.)

The guy in this song actually reminds me more of that dude from TLC’s “No Scrubs.” It seems that after he got “no love,” and was rejected by all three of the TLC girls, he went on to the girl in Timbaland’s song. And for some inexplicable reason, this girl dives head-first in love with him. It’s like Timbaland’s club-bangin’ synths and beats are a form of, and a subtle allusion to, the “love juice” sprayed by Puck in A Midsummer Night’s Dream — except this is about 12.6 times more unlikely and hilarious than Bottom and Titania. Whoa….wait just a minute. Maybe Timbaland is giving a modern wink and nod to the Bard of Stratford-upon-Avon?

Umm….no, fools, I was just joking. This song is just stupid. I guess it would be mildly enjoyable after a few Vodka and OJ’s at a club if you’re also hanging out with multiple attractive ladies begging you to dance with them on the dance floor. Mildly enjoyable. (Note: By the way, I just want to say I have no idea what the big deal is with clubs and “clubbing” among the young crowd which I think I am a part of. I’ve gone probably three times in the past five years or so and, hell, I have more fun dancing to random songs on “Party Shuffle” from my iTunes library in the privacy of my room. Umm…I mean…I don’t dance.)

Some of you may be asking, “Hey Michael, if you’re trashing this guy so much and also saying he’s so similar to you, aren’t you trashing yourself?”

Actually, smart-ass, no, I’m not. I’m just saying if I were to try to be flyp (i.e. fly and hip) and “thug it out” within the financial and life circumstances I’m in right now, this song would be the result, without the female vocal part, of course. That is why I’m not trying to be flyp. I’m actually just trying to be the best poor, starving, aspiring-writer/college-student I can be right now. Even if I don’t always do too well with even that, I’m definitely not going to trendy clubs on my weekends and proclaiming how poor and unsuccessful I am, while trying to work all that into seductive pick-up lines, ending each one with a “Ta-da! Talk to me, Girl.”

I am convinced Timbaland does not spend more than two seconds of thought on any single line of his lyrics. I guess he focuses everything on the production, which accomplishes its aim very well. But even Kanye puts some effort into his lyrics…

Bonus Songs of the Day:

TLC – “No Scrubs”
“If you don’t have a car and you’re walkin’…Oh yes, son, I’m talkin’ to you.”

Ingrid Michaelson – “The Way I Am”

Thanks to the recommendation of Sally, this song has been included in the post. The lyrics, although simple, are very personal, intimate, and real. And the title uses proper grammar. I also think it is a much more accurate description of love/relationships than the Timbaland tune — which the young, love crazed demographic is gobbling up and, god forbid, might actually be applying in their own lives.
It’s a nice song. I would love to hear a girl tell me, “I’d buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair / Sew on patches to all you tear.” I’m somewhat anxious about losing my hair later on in life and my iron-on patching skills that I use for my jeans are not really cutting it. It’s much better than hearing, “We can thug it out ’til we get it right.”