Who’s Gone

Fletcher – straight

Filippo- straight

Kyle- gay

Leroy- gay

Andrei- straight
A little obvious, but that poor Cara couldn’t put up with it much longer.

David- gay
This week’s casualty who was gay simply because every sentence muttered had a mandatory “But I’m HONESTLY straight” shoehorned in…

Who’s still around

Danny
The laaaddd from Essex has been a little quieter these days…suspicious…but he did look so darn mad in that club…suspicious…

BUT ‘Danny Laaad’, are you gay or are you straight? Still a tough one, he could be a red herring, but I think I’m swinging towards straight.

Ben and Sam
Ben and Sam are together because they are twins and writing for both of them would be effort. And seemingly write a re-cap for you is too much effort also. The awful grey v-neck has disappeared, and so has my judgment…

‘V-Neck Ben’ and ‘The Other One Sam’, are you gay or are you straight? Still a very difficult call. Ben and his v-neck had me think clearly, but then Sam behaved like a bit of a wuss with the fish…but still going with Ben gay, Sam not.

Levi
Levi’s a cool man, who still hasn’t really done much…and therefore,

‘Coolman Levi’, are you gay or are you straight? Still not a bleeding clue.

Sven
Is Sven beginning to crumble? Cara is getting suspicious, and she has every right to be. Why? Because…

‘Well ‘Ard Sven’, are you gay or are you straight? He’s in it for the money tooth and nail, going for gay.

Dean
Dean is the other Levi. Quiet and mysterious…and kinda doesn’t do much but looks a bit pretty. However, after this week’s episode…

‘Dean who likes stuff’, are you gay or are you straight? Maybe…sitting on the fence is far to easy with this game…

The Newbies

Jordan
Jordan describes himself as “darn big, well-built, athletic guy” so we know he has good eyesight…but who might he be eyeing up, eh eh? Jordan’s nickname will be ‘JorGUNS’ due to his gigantic ‘JorGUNS’.

Mitch
People always say Mitch looks like Prince William, which he actually does! Unlike a certain ‘Not Ben Affleck’ David. Mitch couldn’t live without food. So he’s a factual one. Watch your back guys. Finally, Mitch says he’s like “vegemite” so he’s a by-product of beer manufacturing that you spread on toast. Mitch’s nickname will (obviously) be ‘VegeMitch’.

Another week, another hour of frolicking somewhere in Spain. This week saw David chunder in a marina, Ben or Sam throw a bit of a paddy, and two new (what can only be described as) hunks running in slow motion. Hunk 1 is called Jordan, a bit scouse and has a large amount of guns (the arm kind). Hunk 2 is Mitch who is roughly the height of a baby giraffe.

First came a game of ‘Gay Runaround’. You know, where a man stands on a little podium, you pick at his looks and stand in either the hetrosexual circle or homosexual circle. From this highly accurate experiment, it was determined David was the straightest. This was mainly because he was pale and slightly plumper than the rest (so British looking basically). THEN there was a tug of war. They tugged, and tugged some more and newbie Jordan and his guns won, obviously. THEN David and Jordan went for a dinner with Cara.

I’m speeding through this because next is the real corker. The losers went to a gay club whilst Cara impersonated David Beckham! True story. The aim, to try and see who was a little too comfortable…Cara determined pretty much everyone seemed to be too comfortable and we’re all back at square one.

*Now, before we go on, there is going to be a little spoiler*

So, the results, and I’m very pleased to say my gaydar still has its 100% record as it was announced that David was gay (well, if he lies about tennis rackets what else is he capable of?). So it’s bybye to ‘Not Ben Affleck David’ , the devious little weasel.

And in what’s now my Tuesday night tradition, here are some of the best quotes that truly embody the spirit of the entire episode 4 of Playing It Straight…

• “On hand to help her, a bunch of hairless gays, a safely untanned ginger lady and some old biddies who missed the coach to the pottery museum.”
•  “Oh look, it’s like they’re expecting the prize in a pub meat raffle…”
•  “You got a sympathy straight!”
•  “That reminds me, I need to buy a leather sofa…”
• “Put the cat in the kitchen! Throw a blanket over your gran! ‘cause it’s time for meat bomb!”
•  “I WANNA GET FREAKY WITH YOUUUU!!!!”
•  “I think Sven’s giving Levi an invitation. No rsvp required.”
•  “That pink box is there to perserve my Granddad’s dignity.”
•  “So David Beckham walks into the gay club to find our boys being accosted by a darts player in a wig.”

Hello there! Playing It Straight is back! What’s Playing It Straight I hear you cry?

‘It’s about this girl called Cara who needs to out the gays to win some cash and you can watch it here.’

So the new series of Playing It Straight (which you should now have a very good understanding of from the amazing synopsis above) started a couple of weeks ago and is becoming a bit of a classic. There have been two series of the show, but the first one was shown YONKS ago and has June Sarpong in. Where is Sarpong? I like the Sarpong. BRING THE SARPONG BACK!

Anyway, replacing ‘The Sarpong’ is Jameela and it is now narrated by that spexybeast Alan Carr whose comments are obviously fantastic.

So, without further delay, here are the 12 chaps looking for love/money/to prove a point/or all of the previous:

Who’s Gone

Fletcher – straight
We don’t remember Fletcher. But here’s a fun fact for you! Fletcher “hates arrogant people who only talk about themselves”. Fletcher told us this in his profile…where he talks about himself.

Filippo- straight
This guy was blatantly straight. He is also apparently MARRIED but separated for six years! Filippo says he looks like Al Pacino “when his hair is down “. That’s so weird, me too.

Kyle- gay
This was a shocker! Not because he’s gay (blats again) but Cara kinda fancied him so I thought she’d keep him around to stare into his eyes or summat. Kyle says in his profile that he’s prone to telling “little white lies”. Probably not the best thing to say when you’re on a gameshow based around lying. Silly beautifully-eyed Kyle…

Leroy- gay
Yeah, I get that. Leroy didn’t make much of an impression…but he does like the cinema…

Who’s still around

Andrei
a.k.a the biggest prat known to man. Andrei ”knows the laws of attraction and will use it to attract as many fans as (he) can”. Right then.
The highlight for Andrei so far is his amazing wooing skills which include trying to snog the face off the poor girl and talking about his “half dead drunken penis”…

‘Wooing Wonder Andrei’, are you gay or are you straight? Going with…straight…he’s too obvious!

David
David describes himself as “outgoing, confident and opinionated”, which he isn’t, and that people tell him he looks like Ben Affleck, which he doesn’t. Basically I wouldn’t believe a single word he says on this here profile.

I bet he COULD live without a tennis racket. Liar.

‘Not Ben Affleck David’, are you gay or are you straight? …possibly! If he lies about tennis rackets, what else is he capable of?

Danny
He’s a laaad. From Essex. Laaad. Danny doesn’t like people who are camp or posh. So David then. And he likes raving, quad biking and exercising in no particular order.

Danny’s a fun guy ’cause he comes out with quotes like “Don’t judge a book by his hair”. Laaad.

‘Danny Laaad’, are you gay or are you straight? Tough one. He should be straight, but something’s niggling with this one…

Ben and Sam
Ben and Sam are together because they are twins and writing for both of them would be effort. One can be distinguish from the other with a certain awful grey v-neck and, also, when Alan Carr tells you which one’s which.

‘V-Neck Ben’ and ‘The Other One Sam’, are you gay or are you straight? Difficult call. Very difficult. Ben and his v-neck could be a double bluff but heck! I’m going with Ben gay and Sam straight!

Levi
Cool man Levi. Cool man Levi who can’t live without his…leopard print thong? Levi hasn’t done much yet, but he’s a bit of a enigma…

‘Coolman Levi’, are you gay or are you straight? Not a bleeding clue!

Sven
Sven is a bit of a weird one. Like he doesn’t really understand what he’s suppose to do. Instead of wooing fair maiden, he decides to make her hate him by being a prat and drawing awful pictures of her. Is this a tactic though? So when Cara finally has his affection, she won’t want to send him away?

He also was chat chat chatting away in the last episode about how competitive he is…He probably got confused with which gameshow he was suppose to go on. Hot, sunny, 12-ish contestants, silly tasks. He thinks he’s on Total Wipeout doesn’t he. He was well ‘ard with those tomatoes though.

‘Well ‘Ard Sven’, are you gay or are you straight? Controversial, but I think he’s gay…

Dean
Last but not least. Dean, from… probably Bedfordshire, has never had his teeth whitened.

Nor have most people Dean. Get over it.

He enjoys stuff and does stuff and will probably couldn’t live without his phone like everyone else. To be honest, I’m running out of steam here.

So, ‘Dean who likes stuff’, are you gay or are you straight? This is another Levi situation. We’re going to have to see more…