offbeat-news « WordPress.com Tag Feed

Monkey Bidness: The Dumbass & the Go-rilla!

Fearless Leader — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:40:18 +0000

I think we have come across a first here at Dumbass News. I say “I think” because I used all the relevant search terms to scour the blog archives for a similarly themed story. My efforts were in vain. I was looking for a post relating to monkeys. Or chimps. Or gorillas. The closest I came to meeting that criterion was this post about King Kong. Even that story wasn’t about the real King Kong, just some ugly bitch who liked like the Big Ape.

Therefore, I believe we are about to boldly go where we have never gone before. Kind of like Star Trek.

Except we are in the alternate universe known as the Dumbass Divergence.

Read the rest…

Tax Day Deals!

Nina — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 13:03:55 +0000

It’s tax day which means today is either a last minute scramble or you’re kicking your feet up because you got it done and are ready to take advantage of some deals! Apparently, I’ve been living under a rock because I didn’t realize that there are quite a few places that offer coupons and discounts every year on tax day. Grab a bite and then hit up the movies!

Here’s a list of some places with special offers HERE!!!

PETA and the Story of the Dancing Shrimp!

Fearless Leader — Sun, 14 Apr 2013 14:27:29 +0000

Let me state this up front. I think the vast majority of people who are members of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) are dumbasses. Having said that, I know there are people in the organization who truly believe in PETA’s mission of stopping animal cruelty, and they do so legally and non-violently. I agree with these people 100%. Anybody who deliberately abuses an animal through acts of violence, starvation, neglect or whatever, should be punished to the full extent of the law. I am not talking about hunting or fishing, as the overwhelming number of these sportsmen obey applicable rules and regulations regarding their harvesting of animals or fish. Those outdoorsmen who do break the rules and regs concerning their sport, should also be punished according to the law.

Now that that has been cleared up…

Read the rest…

Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Fearless Leader — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 13:41:38 +0000

Best of Dumbass News

Ladies and gentlemen and Dumbasses from 154 countries around the globe, it’s time once again for one of the most popular features on Dumbass News!

No, we are not gonna show nekkid lezbean photos of Salma Hayek, Angelina Jolie or Charlize Theron. Get your mind out of the gutter, Dumbass. We show nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful Hollywood starlets on Saturday, not Thursday! Geez.

Although I am great fan of nekkid lezbean photos of beautiful wimmin, what we are gonna do today is another edition of Dumbass Newspaper Headlines!

Let us sally forth…

I’ll be busy that day. While police are busy taking all you Dumbasses into custody, I’ll be on a crime spree of epic proportions.

Read the rest…

Dumbass Real Estate Company Ad: For Sale: One Sun

Fearless Leader — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 17:33:15 +0000

One of the essential rules of economics is, regardless of what you intend to market, you’ve got to determine if there’s a market for it. And damned if some dumbass lady in Spain didn’t pick one of the most marketable products in the history of Man. The sun. Yup, that big bright yellow ball at the center of a our solar system. That sun.

Read the rest…

Grandma Does Beer Bong On Airplane

Nina — Fri, 12 Apr 2013 14:05:19 +0000

What kind of things do your grandparents say about you? Do they brag about you to every person they encounter in the grocery check out line like my grandma did? Grandparents are the best!

One person was so excited by their grandma’s ability to do a beer bong on a plane to Cabo they posted it on YouTube!

Skool Daze: Parunts Are Stoopid

Fearless Leader — Thu, 11 Apr 2013 11:08:23 +0000

If you’ve ever been the parent of a child who goes to school, you, more than anyone else, know that However! Upon reading the “my kid missed school because,,,” notes, teachers have to wonder how the hell did Mom or Dad make it through school! Or if they even went to school.

kids occasionally get sick and have to miss a day of the Three Rs only to become the Fourth R, Rotten! But Rotten is another story for another day. When kids are too ill to attend school for a day, it’s school policy that the parents of said sick child, upon her return to school, issue a note from Mom or Dad explaining Little Susie’s absence. Fair enough.

Let me splain.

Read the rest…

HIJACKED! Car w/Over $425,000 Worth of Pot Stolen From Drug Runners!

Fearless Leader — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 12:40:33 +0000

Best of Dumbass News

Boy, have I got a doozy of a dumbass story for you today. If the dumbass were any thicker in this story, you could cut it with a knife. So, let’s get to slicin’.

Herb Superb

A man and a woman recently took off from Utah heading across the country to North Carolina. However, this was no ordinary cross country cruise. On the leg of their trip that found them in Wyoming, the couple was carjacked by three men in a red SUV. “That’s terrible!,” you’re thinking.

Yes and no.

Read the rest…

Do You Believe In Signs?

Nina — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 16:00:28 +0000

A woman found a very unusual Goldfish cracker in her bag. She eats Goldfish regularly and had never seen anything like it!!! The cracker had a cross and a crown on it which seemed like a possible coincidence since it was the week before Easter. So she called Pepperidge Farms to see if they were making an Easter edition of her favorite snack? They said it was impossible. The only explanation the woman could come up with was that it was a sign from God.

SEE THE CRACKER HERE!!!!

Do you believe in signs? I totally do and find myself seeing them a lot lately. I’ve had a few life decisions to make recently that were influenced by signs. This weekend I encountered one too! I was trying to open a bottle of wine that was being difficult. I was already pretty buzzy and may have done something stupid if my judgement was any more impaired so I saw the bottle not opening as a sign and took my booty to bed.

Signs are all around us!

Granny w/ Gun Chases Off Guys from Their Own Car!

Fearless Leader — Mon, 08 Apr 2013 11:25:04 +0000

I can not attest as to the veracity of today’s Dumbass News.

With this admission I know that I am in danger of losing in one fleeting moment what has taken me two and a half years and millions of words to earn – your trust. Then again, if you put your trust in me, you are dumber than a box of yak poop.

Read the rest….

Lonely house getting lonelier, contemplating suicide

Tim from The Teaspoon Times — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 19:46:09 +0000

by John Johnson, staff writer

OAK PARK, MI—7124 South Becker Court, an off-white, two story, four bedroom, two bathroom house that has been empty for nearly a month, admitted it has been entertaining thoughts of suicide for several weeks, citing loneliness and heartbreak as main reasons for its depression, despite regular visits from parties interested in buying it and moving in.

7124 S. Becker Ct., far right, pictured here hanging out with its friends.

“When the Reeds moved out last month, I was a little sad, but thought they might be coming back,” 7124 told The Teaspoon Times. “Then [neighboring house] 7132 told me what the sign out in my front yard meant—that I was for sale, and the Reeds would never return. After that, it just got worse. Now I’ve decided nothing would please me more than dying a quick, painless death.”

7124′s circle of friends, consisting of neighboring houses in the quiet suburban cul-de-sac, have sought to comfort the troubled house whenever possible. One friend, who asked to remain anonymous, said that 7124 is “usually a very sweet, house-next-door type, but lately has been nothing but a house of blues, what with the closed curtains and sullen demeanor and all.”

Another friend, 7102 South Becker Court, said it baked a cake for its friend yesterday, and that although it had no way to bring it to 7124, “I let the aroma waft over in that direction.” 7102, who acknowledged being romantically involved with 7124 for a brief period of time in December of 2002, did not hold back praise for its friend. “’24 is an all-around great house,” 7102 went on, “but I was on the rebound at the time and looking for more of a fling than anything…and ’24 was…well, a very attractive house.”

One of 7124′s neighbors, 7110 South Becker Court, whose owner is a therapist, claimed it had learned enough about the symptoms of depression from its inhabitants to be able to offer its support to 7124. “I understand ’24′s emotional state to a tee,” said 7110. “Heck, I was there once myself, back in the eighties when that cold snap froze all my pipes. It was very painful and I didn’t see the point in going on, but eventually I thawed out and made it though. We houses are a strong lot. You know what they say: the odds always favor the house.”

7124 said it was considering several suicide methods, including developing a leak in its basement walls during a rainstorm in the hopes of growing mold, leaving the oven on for a few minutes and somehow creating a spark, or just waiting for tornado season and “hoping for a direct hit.”

This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
http://www.teaspoontimes.com

Hazelwood, MO: City of Girl Scout Cookie Hating Commies!

Fearless Leader — Sun, 07 Apr 2013 13:52:28 +0000

Best of Dumbass News

http://dumbassnews.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post-new.php?post_type=post

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that when I start off a post with words similar to “St. Louis is a great city (here comes the all-powerful three letter word that let’s you that somebody is about to get scorched) but…To be fair, St. Louis is a great city. It’s not St. Louis that I have a problem with. It’s a St. Louis suburb named Hazelwood and the Girl Scout-hating, anti-American Commie bastards that run the town that have me pissed off. Allow me to further elucidate. For some of those of you who live in this Commie-run enclave, that means “let me splain”.

Read the rest…

Don't park your trunk in the City of Fun Times

Tim from The Teaspoon Times — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 14:52:26 +0000

by Timothy Stephen Pike

And now a word about parking tickets. I hate them. I got one the other day for an expired meter. The biggest problem with all this is that they want you to send in a check, which is difficult because the department you have to pay is the department that takes care of forty-five different things around town. So there I am making a check out to the “City Department of Traffic Control, Parking Tickets, Money Collection, Downhill Skiing, Nose Blowing, Lawn Mowing, and So Many Other Things All Combined Into One Department That If You Can’t Fit Our Name On Your Check Just Attach a Separate Piece of Paper.” Whew! But oh, I fit in on there. Just to spite them.

A photo of Paris featuring several unused parking spots.

Ever seen a parking ticket with an attitude? You should have seen this one. I know you’re thinking, “How can a piece of paper have an attitude?” Well, it can. And this one was glaring at me. It looked so downright menacing, in fact, that it might as well have been issued by “The Department of You Better Pay Us or We’ll Send Johnny After You and Johnny’s a Big Guy.” So I promptly mailed my payment, and a week later, I got a very nice letter from the Department that said something like, “Dear Mr. Pike: Congratulations, you are the first person ever to pay a parking ticket! We are so grateful, we are refunding your money, and we feel so bad for ever giving you the ticket in the first place that we are throwing you a party. Just come on up to our office, we’re in the City Department of Traffic Control, Parking Tickets…” Six pages later, it went on: “Our sincerest gratitude, signed, Grace Smith, director of the City Department of…” You guessed it. Six more.

So maybe I should move to Paris. It’s a great city—there are no ‘NO PARKING’ signs, no parking tickets, and no cars bigger than the left rear wheel of one of our obnoxious American SUVs. What I’m getting at is that it’s awfully easy to find a parking spot in Paris, because the entire city is a parking spot. Two cars already parked close together along the curb? No problem. Just slip yours in perpendicularly between them. Won’t fit? That’s okay, just go ahead and shut off your car and leave it in the middle of the street—you’re good. One time I was watching a guy trying to park his car in the Latin Quarter, and although I couldn’t be sure, it looked like he was using a forklift to stack his car onto another. Perfectly acceptable in the City of Light.

That’s another thing that bugs me. Being from Denver, I think my hometown needs a better nickname than “Mile High City.” That’s like saying, “Come to Denver! You’ll pass out in our thin air and your nose will bleed for a week, but it’s not a bad place.” The problem is that Denver is not the “City of” anything. You’ve got Las Vegas, “City of Sin,” Los Angeles, “City of Angels,” Philadelphia, “City of Brotherly Love,” and of course Omaha, “City of…Omaha.” So I’m going to lobby for Denver to be the city of “Fun Times.” Yes, a name like that would be very descriptive and certainly lock in Denver’s reputation as a place to go to have fun times. But now that I think about it, it’s not always fun times in Denver. Like in the morning, when everyone in town feels the need to drive to work at exactly the same time. I guess our pamphlets could say “Denver: City of Fun Times Mostly But Not Always*” (*Like when you’re driving to work.)

But back to the main topic of this article and the whole reason you started reading it in the first place: our discussion of Paris. I can’t say enough good things about it. In addition to being the parking capital of the world, they have really good cheese, and a very romantic language. Cheese and language are always a deadly combination in my mind. Also, as I mentioned earlier, they have extremely small cars. And when I say small, I mean you could fit one of these suckers in your trunk. In fact, for the most part, they are trunks. Just trunks with wheels and a seat that people drive around, mainly because they get close to 450,000 miles to the gallon.* (*well, you know, kilometers to the liter, but still.) These cars are also handy for when you’re stuck behind a truck that’s going too slow—you can just drive underneath it and be on your way. On your way across the Atlantic to the City of Fun Times. You’re always welcome here. But just a warning: when you get here, don’t park.

Timothy Pike is an antediluvian essayist who kills time for sport.

This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
http://www.teaspoontimes.com

Nothing Says I Love You Like Stabbing Your Spouse in the Back w/a Kitchen Knife!

Fearless Leader — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 13:55:44 +0000

From October, 2012:

Gentlemen, when you ask a lovely person of the female persuasion to be your bride, you are asking her to be your partner until death you do part. She is is to be treated with the dignity and respect due a woman who will one day bear your children. She is to be cherished for being the invaluable treasure she is. In short, don’t piss her off! When sufficiently provoked, the pookie bear of your life turns into she devil with felonious intentions. Consider yourself lucky if your beloved requires an ample amount of you giving her shit before she finds her chicken cuttin’ scissors and applies them to your gazebos. SNIP SNIP

Read the rest…

Are Prisoners Rating Prisons On Yelp.com!

Doug Lazy — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 01:35:05 +0000

TheDailyDot.com is bringing it to our attention that prisoners (and some jokers) have been offering reviews of correctional facilities… on Yelp.com!

A sample review from the Yelp.com page of San Quentin State Prison says:

“When I arrived there was a HUGE line for food, so my hopes got pretty high right off the bat. Everyone seemed really excited for the food so I assumed I was in for a real treat.

…how wrong I was.”

Another entry says:

Weather’s cool year round, free food, exercise outdoors in the cool crispy breeze (if you’re allowed too) and you’re close to the best baseball city in the world!

Cons: the worse of the worse reside here. Death Row…..fo life….not your Motel 6 or Best Western!

TheDailyDot.com has more links to pages for prisons on Yelp.com.

Mom Slaps Kid at School; Woops! Wrong Kid!

Fearless Leader — Fri, 05 Apr 2013 11:06:09 +0000

Have you ever come across twins or triplets so identical you wonder how anyone can tell them apart?

I have.

One time many years ago I was at a Dairy Queen in Tyler, Texas having a cheeseburger when a nice family came in. First in was a little boy, followed by Mom. Dad was holding the restaurant door open for the rest of the group. In walks a little girl closely tailgated by another little girl who looked exactly like the first girl. I thought, “That’s cool. Twins!”

I was wrong.

Read the rest…

Guy to Pay for Tattoo Ad Removal on His Face By Selling Tattoo Ad Space on His Body!

Fearless Leader — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 11:00:15 +0000

We’ve seen this before on Dumbass News.

Dumbasses getting tattoos on their person in return for some product or service. One Dumbass got a radio station logo tattoo on his forehead because of a station promotion that would give the tattoo-ee $100,000 for doing so. One teensy weensy problem though. The promotion was a joke conceived by one of the radio stations DJs!

Another Dumbass got a Netflix tattoo on his leg and the media streaming giant was so impressed that they gave the guy a free year of their service.

Yet another Dumbass got a tattoo that helped put him in prison! The tat in question was of a murder scene with which the Dumbass had been associated. Talk about irrefutable evidence!

Now comes the story of a guy in Alaska who went the Extra Mile in Tattoo Dumbassery.

Allow me to elucidate.

Read the rest…

Part 2! That Moment Just Before "Oh Shit!"

Fearless Leader — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 20:23:11 +0000

Read and see more….

Robot Helps Men Find The Perfect Jeans

Nina — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 16:46:15 +0000

I picked this weird picture of Chris Evans because he’s one man that seems to always get it right when it comes to finding the perfect jeans for his body. They’re never too tight or baggy they fit just right. I admit that I’m a little shallow when it comes to dudes and jeans. NOT because of name brands but because if they fit funny it’s a turn off . Most girls I know in relationships help their guys any time they go shopping for clothes. I used to all the time! My boyfriend was like my very own dress up doll and I loved it. He hated it if he had to come with me. I’m sure most men feel the same way so the invention of this robot will make all parties involved very happy.

The robot is supposed to help a man pick out the perfect pair of jeans for his body in 30 seconds!!!!! Check it out HERE!!!!

What's Your Trigger Word?

Nina — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 15:53:18 +0000

What word drives you crazy? Funny I should use “crazy” right there because that’s mine. I hate when people call me crazy! That will usually cause me to act much crazier then I normally would. For other people there are words that just give them a physical negative response, like when they hear the word “MOIST”. Most people can’t stand the word “MOIST”. My friend is one of them so I purposefully find ways to work it into a sentence. “Moist” cake is the best! hahahaha! Other words include, crevice, fudge, and one woman told me she hates the word, cankles. What’s yours?

Man breaks wind, destroys airplane

Tim from The Teaspoon Times — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 15:41:48 +0000

by John Johnson, staff writer

RICHMOND, VA—In what has been described by local and national officials as “possibly the most astounding flatulatory event in all of recorded history,” pilot William Harper, 41, of Richmond broke wind in his airplane just after takeoff from Hanover County Municipal Airport on Monday afternoon, completely destroying the aircraft.

A Piper Seminole, shredded by a massive fart, sits in ruins Monday inside a hangar at Hanover County Municipal Airport in Virginia.

The 2000 Piper Seminole, capable of reaching altitudes of higher than 14,000 feet, was only at an altitude of three feet when the severely bloated Harper “ripped off the biggest fart I’ve ever heard in my entire life,” according to passenger Jon Kilbourne, 37. “We had just lifted off the ground, when suddenly he pinches one off—loud—and the entire plane just falls apart. Damn, that boy needs to control his gas.” Amazingly, neither Kilbourne nor Harper were seriously hurt.

“We’ve never seen anything like this,” said Sandra Metcalf, the National Transportation Safety Board agent in charge of investigating the accident. “I mean, my husband—um, passes gas a lot, but I’ve only ever seen the bedsheets puff out a little. To utterly destroy an aircraft such as the twin-engine Piper Seminole, there must have been some serious pressure built up in that bowel of his.”

A spokesperson for The New Piper Aircraft Company, Inc. expressed surprise over the incident. “Our airplanes are thoroughly tested and designed to withstand even the harshest of nature’s often brutal forces—updrafts, downdrafts, crosswinds, and severe turbulence,” said Ken Middlefield, customer relations director for Piper. “Unfortunately, one cannot foresee every possible circumstance, and in the case of Mr. Harper, a two to three hundred knot wind originating inside the cockpit far exceeded the structural limits of the aircraft.

Middlefield expressed sympathy over the situation, and said his company would offer limited financial support to Harper, mainly for medical attention. “We’d like to see him seek medical help for his…well, his ass. I mean, come on, that’s just crazy.”

Although the NTSB is still investigating, the cause of the accident has thus far been classified as “pilot error.”

This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
http://www.teaspoontimes.com

Pizza Hut's New Creation: The Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza

Nina — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 15:28:13 +0000

You gotta love Pizza Hut for always trying to keep it fresh with new ideas. I like this one much better then their Pizza Hut scented perfume. I only want to smell like pizza because I was rolling around in cheese and stuffing my face with this new Crazy Cheesy Crust Pizza! It’s like little cheese bowls all around the outside. I LOVE cheese. It’s one of my favorite foods….wine too. I recently decided that wine was its own food group.

Check out the new Pizza Hut Creation HERE!!!

That Moment Just Before "Oh Shit!" - A Dumbass Pictorial

Fearless Leader — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 14:03:42 +0000

See more Dumbass Photos here!

The Next Big Thing: Door-to-Door Breast Exams! By Phoney Doctors!

Fearless Leader — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 11:11:24 +0000

On Wednesday, October 12, 2011 I extolled the virtues of the Constitution of the United States, especially the part about “life, Liberty, the pursuit of happiness and the God-Given right to be a Dumbass“.. OK, the dumbass part ain’t the Constitution, but that’s essentially what “life, Liberty” etc. means. I also wrote about the Constitutionally guaranteed right to be the best Dumbass this country has ever seen, excluding of course President Obama until January 20, 2013. I remind you of these things in order to make a very relevant point, so let me splain.

Read the rest…

Should I poison my boyfriend with gasoline?

Tim from The Teaspoon Times — Tue, 02 Apr 2013 17:22:41 +0000

Dear Mark,

I got a cup of hot chocolate at the gas station yesterday, and when I went to savor its aroma, I noticed it smelled a lot like gasoline. Of course, normally, I like the smell of gas, but not in my hot chocolate. Even worse, it also tasted like gas. Was there really gas in it? What’s the deal?

-Chris Lawrence
Orlando, FL

Mark Klein takes his wife, Laura, out for a cup of hot chocolate.

Every issue, readers from all over write in to ask our featured advice columnist pressing questions about a very specialized field. Whether they hope to resolve a dilemma or find a way out of their quandaries and quagmires, they get their answers here.

Today we are proud to feature Mark Klein, a Boston, Massachusetts, resident specializing in hot chocolate.

Dear Chris,

There’s an old saying that goes, “If it smells like gas, and tastes like gas, it must be gas.” Sometimes, especially at the larger gas stations, the gas pump lines overflow into the hot chocolate machine lines, and vice versa. That’s why so many people are driving around these days with high concentrations of hot chocolate in their gas tanks. But don’t go fretting about all the hot chocolate that’s getting into your engine—after all, your engine will probably long outlive you, especially after you’ve ingested all that gasoline.

Dear Mark,

Every morning at breakfast, my boyfriend slurps the hell out of his hot chocolate. I’m not kidding when I say he slurps it loud enough to wake the dead. One time, his hot chocolate slurping actually did rouse our next door neighbors from their pre-dawn slumber, much to their extreme dissatisfaction. What steps should I take to get him to “can it?”

-Helen Pendleton
Edina, MN

Dear Helen,

A few drops of gasoline ought to do the trick.

This and much more in my new 120-page e-book!
http://www.teaspoontimes.com