And then I thought to myself, “Must cheer myself up, what shall Spotify bring my ears tonight?” And after about 1.2 seconds of deliberation the choice was obvious of course.

When all else fails, let Usher take over and seduce your sweatpants off.

Okay, well you don’t actually have to let the last part happen…or at least you don’t have to tell anyone about it.

Also, it’s totally normal that I’ve been seriously jamming ’97 Usher, right? I mean, god talk about R&B glory days, Usher really just gets it. Not even just R&B, but you know, like, life. ”You make me wanna leave the one I’m with, start a new relationship”—so simple, so real, and better yet, he makes getting dumped sound sexy. Seriously, whatever happened to prefacing songs with a little sexual whispering?

Nothing like a little “Nice and Slow” to make you want to run your fingers through your hair, wear completely unpractical underwear under those jeans. I mean he’s literally crooning about driving around town trying to find a place to get it on in the car like midwestern high school students…and yet, his finesse makes me not nearly as uncomfortable as I would be in real life. No, I definitely did not just spend the last five minutes belting out “U Got It Bad” on my bedroom floor…

“U Don’t Have To Call” was like the getting ready jam sophomore year, despite the fact that the song had been out for like four years already. Every Friday night, while my best friend Tim did his hair, I applied eyeshadow in colors that were all wrong for my skin tone, both of us singing along and screaming out the bridge, nailing the soprano…obviously. Ah yes, to be young again and blindly unaware of the fact that I was dressed like a semi-skank, and should’ve listened to my mother when she told me to wear a slip, about to head out to a party where the couch was so soaked in beer that when you sat in it, dirty sofa water squeezed out on the floor. Weren’t those the days? You and your friends are about to roll out of the party and you realize you’re missing one of your posse, you turn around, and she’s doing a kegstand…in a dress. Ah yes, those were my high school glory days…well, when we weren’t making the rounds at the Austin Powergay Parties.

Don’t ask. High school was weird time for my social life. But then again, that’s what happens when you’re best friend is hot and gay, and you’ve realized you born to mix and mingle with fabulously hilarious and quippy gays.